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“My Husband Refuses to Have Children with Me!?!”

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I am planning to feature this wife’s journey occasionally as she takes her first steps towards healing in Christ as she faces a very painful situation in her marriage. I am no longer able to email everyone individually, but I hope that this email correspondence may bless other wives who have very similar issues in their hearts. We will call her “GraceAlone.” I believe that this wife’s struggles and concerns are extremely common and she has agreed to allow me to share her journey. That takes an incredible amount of courage. She hasn’t even taken the first step yet – but is willing to allow me to share her story publicly. She is still very fragile, so I know that all of you will rally around her to love, encourage, pray for and support her as you do every hurting wife. 🙂

We are going to go in very small steps. This is going to require a complete overhaul of this wife’s heart, mind and soul. I can’t fix her. I can’t change anyone. I am not the key ingredient here – God and His Spirit are. I can point her to God’s truth and the power of Jesus. 

The responsibility will rest on her to decide to accept or reject the help, hope, love, power, healing, grace, mercy and forgiveness of Jesus. This will be PAINFUL. Not as painful as staying where she is – but it is very painful at first when God opens our eyes to what He wants to change in us. She will have to allow God’s Word and truth to shine brightly into the darkest, most sinful recesses of her soul and allow Him to remove everything that is not of Him and radically change  her by giving her a new heart, mind and spirit in Christ. He will expose the spiritual foundations upon which she has built her life and she will have to choose to allow Jesus to be LORD and rebuild everything completely on Him alone and His Word. This will involve her being willing to discard everything she thinks she knows about being a godly woman, about God, about herself, about masculinity, about femininity, about being a Christ follower and about marriage and replacing all of that with the truth from the Bible.

Despair, depression, misery, anxiety and the spiritual frustration are inevitable when we build our lives on anything but Jesus – which we all do unless we allow Jesus to radically change us. Please realize, this wife is a believer in Christ. She and her husband are in ministry in the church. Her husband is a sinner, too, as we all are. He has plenty of things he needs to work on himself – NO DOUBT. But we will trust God and His Spirit to work in him as Gracealone focuses on herself and her walk with Christ. That is where her power is:

GRACEALONE’S EMAIL #1

I grew up in a Christian home. My husband was not a Christian when we very first met, but was saved quite awhile before we got married. He did not grow up in church. We went thru pre-marital counseling and the question about kids came up.  My husband said he would want kids , but would like to wait a few years first before having them. My deepest, greatest dream has always been to be a wife and mother.

  • I noticed that every time I would bring up children, my husband would not want to talk about it. I finally pressed a little more, and he eventually told me that he does not want children – ever.

I was shocked and heartbroken beyond words. I asked him about what he said in premarital counseling, and he said at the time he thought he would want kids, but decided after we were married he did not.

This sent me into a spiral – I gained a lot of weight, found out I had a medical condition that affects fertility (maybe a direct result from weight gain) and was depressed beyond measure. As a result, our sex life has almost stopped. Maybe once every 8 weeks. I hate my body now, and my husband when asked , admits that he struggles due to my weight gain.

I do not know how to move on or heal from this fully. I have tried many many times to pray, surrender, pray more, but feel as though I keep failing. I want kids badly, but feel as though with my medical condition, it will be too late to have my own if my husband comes around later. I see no sign of him changing. I have no desire to lose weight because I feel like my motivation to lose weight was to have a baby. My primary love language is affection- so to have that gone is unbearable. My husband and I have talked so many times about these things. I’m at the point now to where I don’t know what to do. My husband is a good man, but I don’t feel like he wants to go to counseling.

I know God hates divorce and there are only a few biblical reasons for it, but I would be lying if I said I don’t think about it. How do I stay with a man who never wants children and barely has intimacy with me? Both biblical commandments.

GRACEALONE’S EMAIL #2 (Peacefulwife’s questions are in bold)

As I was reading over your questions to me, the question that keeps coming back to me is How?

  • How do I respect my husband when he talks down to me?
  • How do I respect him when I get so frustrated at the mass amount of time he spends on the computer?
  • How do I show a loving attitude to a man that barely touches me physically?
  • How do I keep bitterness from a man who doesn’t want children?

I know that the answer is probably prayer and God. There are so many times where I feel like I have tried that and through praying get increasingly more frustrated. I cannot tell you how many times I feel like I have tried to do the right thing – only to find that I get hurt and become so much more weary of trying. I will try to answer your questions as best I can.

How is your walk with Christ going?
It could be better. I have good quiet and prayer times maybe once to twice a week. I do pray alot to God every day, but as far as sitting down with my Bible it happens a couple times a week. I know I need to get better with this – I will try to reckon myself to do so and then never seem to be really consistent.
Are you fully submitted to Him?
No. I guess I am probably not submitted like I should be. I have good intentions to be, but find myself fearful of fully letting go and trusting.
 
Is it possible there could be things that are more important to you than Christ?
Yes. It is possible I have put children, marriage, health, etc things before Christ unintentionally.
 
What are your fears?
This is a sensitive one for me.
1. I am afraid that I will never be able to have my own biological children.
2. I am afraid that if I fully trust God in my marriage, that I will become a doormat and my husband will never change (I have seen this many times) – From Peacefulwife – That has not been my experience on this blog at all. We aren’t talking about wives becoming doormats here – but becoming godly, Spirit-filled, holy women who bring the power of heaven to bear in their marriages and pour healing and blessing into their families in a powerful way.
3. I am afraid I will always wonder if I made a mistake marrying my husband and if I will ever feel at peace and happiness with my marriage.
4. I am afraid that if I fully surrender God may allow some terrible thing to happen to “bring my husband and me closer.”
5. I am afraid of being unhappy the rest of my life.
6. I am afraid of not being good enough (physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally).
7. I am afraid that I will never measure up in the physical department to what my husband would be attracted to.
8. I am afraid of not being loved.
 
Are you holding anything back from God?
Probably my trust, and surrender. I fear that with anything I fully surrender to God, that He won’t fix it or that if He does it will take years or something bad happening.
 
What are you praying for?
I try to pray that I would be a respectful wife, that God would restore what the locust has taken, that I would fear God but not be afraid of Him, that I would laugh with my husband, that God would restore our marriage and intimacy, that he would change my husband’s heart, that I would find peace and joy, that my husband and I would grow spiritually. 
 
What do you believe you need to be happy and content?
I know the correct answer is probably God is all I need. Sometimes, I feel like I need more. I need a husband to affirm me verbally and physically.  I need a husband who has a strong always growing relationship with God and mentors that can speak into him. I need to not always worry about money. I need to feel at peace with my marriage and I need to know that there is hope for change.
 
How are you honoring your husband and respecting him?
I work part time.  Something my husband mentioned was that he wanted me to make his breakfast and lunches more and keep the house clean. I try to do those things, I am not perfect and could always improve, but I try. I try to build him up occasionally when I think about it, I pray for him.
 
Are there ways you are disrespecting him?
Yes, I know there are. Sometimes, I react out of hurt. I know that it’s no excuse. I may share things with others at times he may not like, or I may put him down, or if we have arguments I tend to say what I feel – which often comes across as criticizing to him. I guess I have been guilty at times to play his Holy Spirit, as well.
 
What is your motivation to take good care of your health?
I don’t feel like there is a whole lot of motivation right now. I used to want to be in shape for future kids, but I feel like that is off the table. I feel very apathetic about myself. Sometimes, I will have a little motivation because I worry about my health long term, but often it is cancelled out by just hating myself more.
 
Are you trying to punish him in some way?
Maybe. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I do think sometimes to myself that it shouldn’t matter if I have gained some weight, he should not let that interfere with our physical commitment. Or, at times, I was so hurt to know that he thought I was overweight that I just kind of let myself go more. I don’t try at all anymore because I think he is not interested. I never initiate anything because I feel like he thinks I am ugly and I have been turned down many times before. So, I completely stopped trying and then with the kids thing – maybe it was in some form a punishment. This area of our marriage is in dire ruins. We are awkward with each other now. How will I ever feel comfortable in this area again unless I am supermodel pretty? I almost hate to even think about it and will do things to avoid it. Not that it happens a whole lot to avoid in the first place.
 
What is your motivation for eating? Is food a source of comfort to you?
Right now I feel like food can make me feel happy for a short time. It is a feeling of satisfaction that I don’t feel anywhere else. I know a lot about health and research it often, but never stick with anything.
 
What has your husband asked you to do? Are you cooperating with his leadership?
He always says he wants me to be happy and content. To not always be in a bad mood, to exercise and eat right. I find all of these very hard to do as it is our marital circumstances that often merit hurt and unhappiness.
 
Do you believe and trust that God is able to change your husband’s heart and desires? Is it possible that you are depending on your husband in areas where your faith should be fully in Christ alone?
It is possible. At this point I feel hopeless. We have been married a few years and it feels like an eternity. Instead of God changing my husband, I feel like things have gotten worse. I almost have no desire left to want to work on it, because I am so tired of feeling like I always have to be the one to change before my husband changes.
Is it possible that God is still sovereign over your husband even though he has has free will, and that God’s purposes will still be accomplished in your life regardless of your husband’s current attitude and feelings and that God could hold your husband’s heart in His hand and direct it anywhere He wants it to go?
It is possible, but does God still work in a husband’s heart, who I feel is not listening to God at times??
 
Are you ready to begin to fully trust Christ with all of this? He is able to handle even this situation. It is not beyond His power to act.
I want to, but the same self-doubt keeps coming back. What if I do this and things never change? What if I am miserable the rest of my life? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this man (with things as they are right now, I don’t know). I feel like I am barely holding on.
 
I am concerned that your eyes seem to be so much on your husband and his current feelings instead of on Christ, His power and His will.
How do I change this? I feel like I have tried so many times.
Thank your for letting me pour my heart out.
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
Please understand, my precious sister, almost every wife who begins this journey begins it from almost this same place where you are.  When I began, my husband would barely touch me, talk to me or look at me. I didn’t think he could hear God or be a godly leader.
I was wrong.
God was able to change my husband’s heart – but He had to change me first. I was standing squarely in God’s way, making it so much harder for Greg to hear God’s voice in his life.
Your questions are the same questions every wife has as she begins this road. We will be addressing them all in time.
When the sinful nature is in control, we cannot have God’s Spirit in control. We cannot have God’s love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control if we choose to cherish sin. Idolatry (dreams of what I thought I HAD to have in life to be happy), pride, bitterness, resentment, self-righteousness and unbelief in God were my sins. God will NEVER let me have contentment, peace and joy if I am cherishing sin in my life. I can only have those things when I willingly lay them down, agree with God that they are sin, turn fully away from them and give my life completely to Christ.
I had to face each of my fears – which were similar to yours – and decide –
  • Do I trust my fears or do I trust God?
  • Is God who He says He is?
  • Is His Word true or is it a lie?
  • Do I trust Him or not?
Your husband is not responsible for your happiness and your emotional/spiritual well-being.  You are responsible for yourself. You will stand alone, my precious sister, before Christ one day. I want Him to be able to say, “Well done, My good and faithful servant!” You are responsible for repenting of your sin and for obeying God in EVERYTHING He has commanded you to do.
God is able to handle your husband. But your husband cannot hear God’s voice very well if you are standing in God’s way in his life and your voice drowns out God’s voice, which a wife’s voice can easily do in a husband’s soul.
This is a very painful and extremely long (lifelong) journey – but not nearly as painful as staying in sin – and the rewards of living in total faith, trust and hope in Christ are incredible! He is SO MUCH MORE than anything this world has to offer!
You will have to wrestle with God over these things and decide for yourself whether you will choose fear or faith.  You cannot have both.  You must decide between the two. You can cling to idols, fear and bitterness, or you can have Christ.  If you have Christ, He must be LORD. He must be in charge. There is no saying, “No, Lord” to anything He commands us to do.
God showed me my mountain of sin in december 2008. It was PAINFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I wanted to go live in a cave for the rest of my life when I realized that I am a really awful, evil, wicked sinner.  But I thank and praise Him that He showed me my sin and opened my eyes and has shown me the way to His narrow path that leads to Life.
I can’t wait to see what God is about to do in your life!
UPDATE:
God is already beginning to work in GraceAlone’s heart. Please pray for her as she begins to truly seek Him. This is just the beginning place where she started. It is a very painful place. She does need a lot of help – she needs Jesus. And He is here with her, on the scene already. She has already had several lightbulb moments. I have seen God heal many marriages, many in much worse shape than this one. Both the husband and wife here have very deep pain and also sin to deal with. I don’t talk about what husbands should do. I only minister to wives. Yes, the husband needs accountability and godly counsel, too. But my job is just to help this precious wife focus on her walk with Christ and her end of the marriage.
**  If someone is severely depressed or there are major uncontrolled mental health issues, active addictions to drugs/alcohol/porn/gambling in a marriage or someone is suicidal or in actual danger, please get experienced appropriate help ASAP! I am not writing for people in these types of severe situations. If anyone is having major struggles in your marriage, please seek godly counsel at your local church or from a Christian counselor.
RELATED:
Marriage is a holy covenant – Brides and Butchers
MORE FROM GRACEALONE:

52 thoughts on ““My Husband Refuses to Have Children with Me!?!”

  1. Ouch. 🙁 I am in pain just reading what she is going through. It seems to me that our dear sister here is in a very, very bad place right now. I empathize with you Grace Alone. I have been there and it was not a good place to be in. 🙁 It was dark, depressing, and I almost always felt to be living “under a cloud” or under a literally a “gray atmosphere” wherein every single day was just excruciating to live and it was painful to just stay alive. There were times too that I wanted to die or commit suicide but though I was oppressed by the Enemy during those long, pathetic years, I still loved God and I didn’t want to take my life because I was God-fearing. Didn’t change the fact that I still wished death on myself every single day just to stop the pain. 🙁

    Grace Alone, I know no words right now will suffice. I will pray for you, sister. It seems to me that you are believing so many lies of the evil one that God’s Truth has no space in your heart. 🙁 It is easier to believe the enemy because circumstances are not happening according to how you want them to happen, and so it “makes more sense” to believe that:

    – you are unworthy of your husband’s desire because you are a certain weight
    – you are not fully a woman because you have not borne a child
    – you should not submit to God because if you did, bad things will happen to you like perhaps what happened to Job
    – etc etc

    THESE ARE ALL LIES! But I know right now, they seem like the “truth” to you. 🙁

    Living in sin and despair is painful. 🙁 As I’ve said, I have been there. I used to cry myself to sleep. I slept on the bedroom floor because all I did was cry and hyperventilate while wishing to die. Nights on end…. 🙁

    It was only very recently that God freed me from ALL my bondages when my heart was ready and when I was ready to repent for ALL my sins. It was painful to “watch”. God showed me how wretched I was and how sinful. 🙁 But I allowed Him to remove every single filthy, stinking sin in my heart… I wanted it to be clean so His Spirit will have room in it.

    The peace and joy I am experiencing daily since September 2013 is out of this world. I never knew this was even possible! Christ’s Peace cannot really be found here in this world. I can just bask in His Presence all day long. Praise God!

    Praying for you, Grace Alone. You are not alone.

    WE are all here for you. We will be all here when the Lord finally opens your spiritual eyes, when you see the deceptions for what they are — LIES, and when the Truth Who is Jesus, finally sets you FREE!

    God bless you and keep you.

    Love,

    Nikka

    1. Nikka,

      Thank you so much for sharing your struggle! How heartbreaking to see you and also this precious sister of ours in so much pain! Especially when Jesus has opened the prison door and made the way for all of us to get out of these dungeons we have ourselves in. We can run into His glorious freedom, peace, joy and light!

      I praise God for what He has done in your life to free you from possession and oppression and depression in the past, Nikka!

      GraceAlone’s starting point is extremely painful. That is where so many of us start. We are about a week into this process now, and I am seeing some lights come on in her soul already. But I want the other wives to get to experience the entire journey starting from the beginning. I believe that many, many wives will relate. Their circumstances may not be exactly the same, but the spiritual place where GraceAlone is right now is a place where so many wives are right now.

      I can’t wait to see all that God has in store and the healing He will bring to our beautiful sister, GraceAlone, and to many other wives as they follow her story and seek Christ with all of their hearts as well! 🙂

  2. Yes, looking forward to it! It’s almost like a reality show, except that it is actually supernatural! 🙂 May God work in this sister’s life. There is nothing impossible with Him and with all of us praying for her, we believe that the Lord will answer our prayers for her to be freed from her bondages! Praying for her husband as well, that his heart will soften towards having children.

    Yes, April. I am so grateful the Lord has really freed me from the evil one. I was deceived for sooooooo long. I couldn’t free myself even when I tried so hard to! I clung to Christ but the world was still so much with and in me. It was only when I really died to myself that the Lord found the space to work His Spirit in my life. I sometimes stop in awe at how different I am now. I do not take credit for anything. When the Lord created me anew, He really made everything and I mean EVERYTHING new and beautiful. I am a new creation! I couldn’t believe this was even humanely possible!!! But then again, this was not done by human hands, but by Divine Hands. And with God NOTHING is IMPOSSIBLE!!!! 🙂 Praise God!

    Praying for Grace Alone and Grace Alone’s husband.

  3. Ladies,

    It is easy to demonize a husband in a situation like this. Let’s avoid making snap judgements, please! This is just a snapshot of this woman’s life at a point in time last week. In this one post, you do not have all of the information about this man, his faith, his childhood, his wounds, his scars – and you don’t have all of the picture about this wife either.

    Instead of passing judgment and condemnation on this husband, I would like to see us band together in prayer for this man and his wife who the enemy is trying to destroy. Our God is strong enough, loving enough, powerful enough and wise enough to bring great healing to this situation. I have seen it happen hundreds of times.

    The husband here is not the enemy. He is in just as much pain and just as deeply wounded as the wife. He doesn’t know what to do. He is probably just as depressed, frustrated, hurt, lonely and afraid as his wife is.

    The real enemy wants to destroy this marriage and these people and their ministry. Let’s focus our energy on the real enemy. People are not our enemy.

    We are not God- that we need to insert our own judgment and condemn people whose hearts we don’t even begin to know.

    But we can extend hope, faith, the power of God, the grace of God, the healing of God and the truth of God to those who are hurting. That is our job as the church. 🙂

    1. I am thankful for the progress the Word has made in and through me so far regarding healthy submission to God and my husband, although I still have a LOOONG way to go. Every day, my heart is getting a little bit stronger and more steadfast in my commitment to do things God’s way instead of living a frustrated, fearful, voiceless life. I used to stifle vocalizing my fears about and disappointments with my husband’s leadership and choices, but inside my heart, I was harboring resentment and all kinds of negativity. I couldn’t hear from God, and I felt really disconnected from the real me, and from God and my husband as well.

      It feels risky, but I’m “letting go and letting God” and trusting that He will sort out areas in my life that need work. I am learning when and how to respectfully speak up to my husband about an issue and when to simply wait and hold my peace. Since I haven’t been quite as controlling for real lately (from my heart and not just in appearance), my husband seems to feel freer to be more open with me about emotional and spiritual things. I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe this wife’s husband will open up to the idea of having children one day, but constant pressure isn’t the way to persuade his heart; it will only alienate him. He probably deep down wants to make his wife happy, but he doesn’t want to be controlled and pushed into anything either; it feels like a threat. He may feel weighed down by her neediness instead of freed up to make giving, loving decisions for their future. Maybe he feels like she loves the idea of a baby more than she simply loves being with him. And maybe he has certain overcomable fears about having kids that God needs to minister to him about. Making room for God is a great way to go.

      I am personally overcoming a different idol in my own life and marriage– the performance trap of being super involved in church, praying 24/7, going into ministry so I can “serve God” full-time in the way I think it should be done. My husband is in a very different place than me right now regarding spiritual things. He watches a lot of tv and isn’t really giving much time to church or Bible study. I was so focused on him that I was ignoring the idolatry in my own life. The concept of idolatry is the same whether we want a baby, a ministry, or a million dollars: We think we need life to be a certain way before we can obey God and truly walk with Him. It will be a process, and I’m still in the beginning steps of mine, but I really believe if we wives begin to surrender everything to God, He will give us exceeding abundantly above all we can ask or think. And even if He doesn’t give us the exact thing we think we need to be complete, once we surrender it, we will live in peace with a clear conscience, contented and appreciative of all we actually DO have.

      1. Growing up spiritually,

        Wow!

        This is a post in and of itself!!! God is speaking so powerfully and lovingly through you! Thank you VERY much for sharing what God has shown you.

        I am so glad that you are learning when to speak up and when to wait patiently. That takes sensitivity to God’s spirit and quite a lot of practice to learn! It sure did for me!

        You are exactly right that husbands feel much safer to share and be vulnerable as we take our emotional hands off of their throats and allow then to share without us trying to control or condemn or pressure them. It has made the biggest difference in the world in my marriage that I stopped trying to control and force Greg to do things my way and stopped looking down on him like he was spiritually inferior to me. It took 3.5 years into this journey for Greg to feel totally safe with me and totally free to share his heart. He is able to tell me things now that he never could have told me before, and he cares a lot more about my feelings and desires now that he feels safe, honored and respected. Great point!

        And you are so right about idols. It doesn’t matter what it is that we put before Christ in our hearts, we have to be willing to lay those things before Jesus and allow Him to decide whether that is best for us or not and let Him bring it to us in His timing and His way as we learn to put all of our faith and find all of our contentment in Him alone.

        Beautiful!

        Would you please allow me to share this on my FB page? Thank you so much!!

  4. Grace Alone,

    My heart goes out to you, and my hand, to help you in prayer walk through the dark hours ahead. We are all here for you, and know firsthand so much of the pain you are feeling! But everything April and Nikka said is TRUE! If you will just keep taking “one more step” toward God and the wisdom and insight his spirit will provide, your life will totally change. Anxiety turns into PEACE, and despair into JOY when we truly care more about pleasing God more than anything else. The amazing thing is, even though we don’t choose to please God just so everything in our life will go well, it often does improve enormously!

    I have learned not to depend on my husband for complete love, acceptance, and security. Only God can provide that for any of us. Of course we hope our husbands will love us unconditionally and think we are beautiful no matter what, but if we build our entire self-esteem and internal peace on that foundation, it could easily crack if they make insensitive comments that make it seem we aren’t “good enough” for them. God will never let us down, not in any way!

    It’s also very important to love yourself in a healthy way. God said that we should love our neighbors as ourselves, so we must learn to first take good care of ourselves–for OURSELVES first–not for our husbands, future children, or anyone else. When you begin to feel God’s spirit working in your mind and heart, it’s so much easier to do this! It feels so good to finally begin to LOVE YOURSELF because you are God’s daughter that he loves totally and completely! Sometimes we use food for comfort, but understanding God’s totally unconditional love for us is so comforting that we no longer need to rely on food to dull our pain or punish those who have hurt us. It feels good to go out and take a walk, to do things that nurture us, independently of our husband. It feels good to dress in flattering clothing (whatever our size or shape), to smile, put our shoulders back, and have the sparkle in our eyes that comes from our growing enlightenment from God’s wisdom for us as women and wives. It feels good to see things the way God does, to see where we fit in “the big picture.” When we have this expanded view of things from God’s perspective, former anxieties seem so small, and our priorities change.

    Please do choose to exercise faith that what God says is true, and keep taking steps toward him. He will not abandon you–ever! Also, please keep reading these posts every day, because they, and the comments, are a tremendous source of spiritual support to us all. We look forward to sharing your journey. Much love to you!

  5. GraceAlone you are not alone. I too have wanted children for 10 years while my husband said no. My heart and prayers are with you. As long as I focused on what I did not have I was miserable and my husband felt further and further away. The times I trusted Jesus and practiced being thankful, I was able to be happy with my husband. I have vacillated between these two camps of trusting in the Lord and of focusing on my broken heart and its been a long journey of spiritual warfare. Praying for you in the trenches, always know there are other “silent” women in the church who feel your pain.

    1. Shannon,
      Thank you so much for sharing your heart and pain, too. And for sharing what has helped you spiritually. I appreciate that so much! 🙂

      I pray for God’s greatest glory in your life and in your marriage, my sweet sister!

  6. My heart goes out to Gracealone. I was duped in an equally devastating way and after many years my trust and hope in the Lord still has never been the same. So on top of the devastation are the feelings of God’s displeasure in my lack of faith. It’s all so yucky.

    1. Jane,

      How I pray for you to find restoration with Christ, my precious sister! I know that He can heal your brokenness and pain. I am SO SO sorry you have hurt for so long. 🙁

      I’m so thankful – “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18. He has such a tender place in His heart for women who yearn for children and used many “barren” women to accomplish some of His greatest purposes among His people. 🙂

      I am so glad that Romans 8 applies to us ALL and that God is able to turn the most devastating, painful, hurtful, messy, awful situations into something beautiful. That is my prayer for you!!!!

      1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set youa free from the law of sin and death. 3For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh,b God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.c And so he condemned sin in the flesh, 4in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.

      5Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.

      9You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. 10But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives lifed because of righteousness. 11And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because ofe his Spirit who lives in you.

      12Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. 13For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

      14For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.f And by him we cry, “Abba,g Father.” 16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

      18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21thath the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.

      22We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. 24For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

      26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.

      28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, whoi have been called according to his purpose. 29For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. 30And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

      More Than Conquerors

      31What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? 33Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 34Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. 35Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? 36As it is written:

      “For your sake we face death all day long;
      we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”j
      37No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,k neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

      1. “He has such a tender place in His heart for women who yearn for children and used many “barren” women to accomplish some of His greatest purposes among His people. ”

        Can you please make a post with examples from the Bible illustrating this, or even just a reply showing this in the Bible. Thank you so much

        1. Annalerner,

          Interestingly, God used barren women who desperately longed for children to be the mothers of some of the most prominent figures in Scripture.

          Sarah and Abraham were unable to conceive and prayed for decades for a baby. God promised them a child when Abraham was about 70 or so, but they didn’t have a baby until he was 100 years old and Sarah was 90! Isaac’s name means “laughter” because he brought them so much joy. A child who must be prayed for and waited for for decades is a child who is dearly loved – yet even though Isaac was the child of the Promise of God – God still tested Abraham to be sure that Abraham didn’t love Isaac more than God.

          Jacob’s wife, Rachel, was barren for many years and begged Jacob to give her sons and he said, “Am I in the place of God that I can give you sons?” Eventually, they had Joseph, and many years later, Benjamin.

          Hannah prayed fervently for a son, vowing to dedicate him to God when he was weaned, and God gave her Samuel. He was one of the greatest prophets of Israel.

          Elizabeth (cousin of Mary) was barren and possibly around 60 years old if I understand correctly. God told her husband, a priest, that he would give them a child. But he didn’t believe God, so God made him be mute until the baby was born because of his unbelief. Their baby was John the Baptist.

          Mary wasn’t barren in the sense that she was married and infertile. But she was a virgin and unable to have children, of course, at that time. God chose her to have Jesus because of her faith and willing, joyful, selfless obedient spirit to Him.

          Much love to you!

          April

          1. PS, Annalerner,

            I also personally know a number of couples who struggled with infertility for many years, sometimes a decade or two – and then got pregnant without any medical intervention. Or sometimes there were couples who tried all kinds of medical intervention and it wasn’t successful, and later, when they stopped the intervention, they got pregnant.

            God is sovereign and able in these situations in ways we cannot begin to fathom! 🙂

  7. This wife clearly has a passion and heart for children. It seems to be a goal of hers she was working towards and dreaming about for sometime.

    When you have a dream of that size taken from you I can only imagine how your life would seem to crumble around you.

    When we lose people we go into mourning for them. It is part of the healing process of loss. You have lost something very important to you, but intangible. I think you have been mourning for a very long time over your loss and you do not know how to move on. In your grief you have lost sight of hope and God’s will for you.

    You need God’s love and wisdom to lift you up. Rely and trust in him. Place your burden of grief at the feet of Jesus. He will take it from you.

    I also think you need to start thinking about a new goal you can work towards in your life that will give you motivation, purpose, and hope.

    I would incourage you to start thinking on a ministry where you could work with children as it seems to be a passion of yours. Let God guide you and give you new purpose in your life.

  8. Gracealone,

    My heart goes out to you, I felt your pain but I do know that God hears us, loves you so much, wants to restore the places where we’re broken if we allow him to work in our hearts. I too need so much healing and restoration in my marriage. I will be praying for you my sweet sister!
    Love,
    Amy

  9. Also,

    You mentioned you are worried you have made a mistake. I would encourage you to try and look at your situation in a different light.

    Trust thst god led you into this marriage knowing your husband would refuse your request. Then ask yourself why? The answer can only be that he has a plan for you. A plan. For you. How exciting! You can look forward to a life of unexpected miracles. You only have to listen to God and let him guide you on this new and bold bath. It will take you somewhere wonderful. You only need faith and trust. God will do the rest.

    April mentioned that there are many stories of women in the bible who find themselves in unexpected circumstances. God used their lives for MUCH glory! Study their stories and look forward for what God might have in store for you!

    Much Love!

    1. Julia,

      Thank you for encouraging our sweet sister! God DOES have a plan for her, and I know His plan is good. I know He is able to use this difficult and painful situation for something very beautiful. I can’t wait to see what He does!

  10. This struggle that Grace alone is going through must be so hard. I really feel for her……… none of my children were planned in our timing but God’s timing he gave us our 5 children. we never tried for them. so I know without a shadow of doubt that the lord could easily bless you unexpectedly with a baby. it may be none of my business but is Grace alone on contraception? if so, maybe she could pray and see whether the lord wants her to cease taking it. leave the contraception in her husbands control. so if he fails to take contraceptive measures its on his head. maybe that sounds a bit manipulative correct me if I am wrong April. I guess just from my experience in my walk with lord we never planned our children, we had the desire, but the holy spirit completely moved in that area. so don’t give up grace alone we serve a God who can change your husbands heart or you may just fall pregnant 🙂

    1. Mumof5,

      God is able to override contraception, yes. And He is able to change husbands hearts and medical situations. Nothing is impossible with Him!

      I don’t know what the contraception situation is. I don’t personally recommend a wife sneak around and stop using contraception without her husband’s knowledge, but she could ask him to be responsible for contraception. But since sex is happening so infrequently, some husbands may respond by not having sex at all in such a situation.

      This is one of those circumstances where I would want to see a wife pray and seek God and allow Him to give her wisdom.

      I have some posts about birth control, that can be searched on my home page that address some things we may want to consider about birth control that we may never have questioned in our culture.

      Thanks so much for sharing!

  11. I was here once upon a time. We now have two little girls and are hoping to adopt more in the future. I’ve also lost 45 of the 100 lbs I need to lose. I’m praying for this dear sister.

  12. Ladies,
    First and foremost, I am brought to tears at the amount of love and encourage poured out from you all. I am GRATEFUL beyond words to know that there are women who struggle with different “idols” in their marriages just like I do- be it kids or something else. I am encouraged so very much to know that there are women praying for me in this situation. THANK YOU!
    Each comment was so encouraging and hit me to my very core- I kept tearing up reading each comment and than ” thanking Jesus” for each and every one of you and your wisdom. God is doing a work in my heart for sure- for so long having a child was my deepest rooted idol in my life. Yes, there are so many more “ugly” idols that God is showing me, but having children of my own has been the hardest, toughest one to surrender. I have not brought the topic of “children” up to my husband in about a month- that is a long time for me. I do feel like God is telling me to be silent on this topic for now- my husband knows my desires as does Jesus. I think I have known all along that nothing I would ever say or do would change my husbands heart- that it had to be God Alone. Knowing this and putting this into living action every day is tough! However, I am sensing now more than ever that this is HUGE reason that I have felt distant in my relationship with God ( which has led to other issues in my marriage I’m sure), because this idol was so BIG, he couldn’t speak to me. This issue of children is still extremely hard, but I am also seeing there are bigger issues for me than finding out after I was married that my husband does not want children. Issues like my relationship with God. To the woman who mentioned that this situation for me is like ” losing a loved one.” How right you are! I had never thought about that before. Being the oldest girl of eight children, they were a huge part of my life. From as far back as I can remember, all I wanted was to marry and have children. I even ” made sure” this was discussed in pre-marital counseling so that all of my
    ” bases” were covered. After all, that’s what all the books say ” TALK ABOUT IT BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED.” Well, we did that, I thought we were good. I had no idea things would drastically change AFTER I got married. So yes, I had to grieve that “loss” and try to move on. I guess it would be knowing someone has died, but that there was a “chance” they would come back to life. If you knew someone could give you that “chance” you would fight for it with your life- when that chance kept slipping away, bitterness would grow- as it has with me. I am earnestly praying that I will truly lay this at the feet of Jesus ( along with my other idols) so that I can heal and be restored. To answer some of the commentors questions: To mumof5, No, I do not take any medical contraceptive- my husband is ok with this. I did take it for a year, when we first married, but came off of it for various reasons.
    Again ladies, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your prayers, love, empathy, and encouragement. I will pray for each of you as well, and pray God’s abundant Grace (alone) will fill your hearts with the His love! Thank you for ministering to me.
    Love,
    Gracealone

    1. GraceAlone; I feel your pain so much. Oh, how delightful children are. Though my situation is different from yours, there are some similarities. I do have a child – a wonderful son; but I have ALWAYS wanted a daughter…. that desire has grown to where I want daughterS. My husband and I are separated and for years, my idol was my overwhelming desire for my marriage to be restored. I was mad at my husband for his selfish actions and have reached stages where I wanted to have at least one daughter with him, even if our marriage was not what it wanted to be. Everytime, I go in the stores, I find myself walking over to the girls section checking out outfits that I would buy for my daughter. I have yearned for a daughter so much, that I already purchased a tiny pink and black outfit with the words, “Mommy’s answer to prayers” printed on it. YES! I want a daughter that badly! So, hopefully, even to some extent – you see, that I have some understanding of your desire. God knows your desire…… and, hear this – so does your husband! My husband, even in my situation now, often tells me that I tell him what I want SO much even though he already knows. He tries to prove to me that he knows what I want by listing everything I have “whined” about all this time….. and on that list – he always includes my desire to have a baby (He does not specify daughter, I guess he is more realistic than I am, in knowing that even if I tried, it might be a son!).
      Recently – I have decided to stop focusing so much on what I want, and focus on God, knowing that if I seek him he will not withhold anything good from me. I have placed everything at God’s feet and recognize that when I put a desire for ANYTHING (even something that it is “ok” to desire), above God, this is not honoring to Him. We should not desire anything more than we desire God. We should not want our will so much; that we ignore God’s will for us. He is a good Father, who wants to pour out his blessings upon us. His timing is different from ours and his plans are always good for us.
      GraceAlone, I REALLY do believe that if you focus less on your desire (I know…know….know it’s not easy), and focus on building your relationship with God, you will be in a happier place. This “happier place” will help to impact positively on your overall health and self-image. God will soothe your aching heart and uplift your spirit! I think the more you pressure hubby with the desire, the more scared he gets of it. I see in my own husband, that he is more inclined to do things when I “back off” a bit.
      I am not suggesting that you throw away the desire to have a child. (I still sometimes pray and hold the piece of clothing I mentioned, asking God to one day let me lift up my daughter in it and give him thanks!). I am just suggesting that you allow it to be secondary to your relationship with God, because it should be. Focus on what hubby needs from you… how you can fulfill his desires, how you can make him feel respected… and though I am not saying you should do this, simply to get him to reciprocate, I believe that in time – he will desire to fulfill your greatest desire too. Your husband cannot stop God’s plans for you. Rely on God only…..
      I read where you said, hubby is ok with you not using contraceptives……hhmmmm…..interesting. Not sure if I understand right, but that sounds good to me. I feel very positive about your situation….. There is so much hope in it, even though you feel hopeless right now. I think as you change your focus, you will feel renewed and hope will flow through you. I wish everything good for you.

      1. Prayinglikehannah,

        WOW!

        God amazes me at what He is doing in you. He is using you so powerfully to bless, encourage, exhort, love and support other women who are hurting deeply right now. It is such an incredible thing to watch as His love, wisdom, truth and Spirit pours through you.

        Thank you for being a co-laborer for Christ with me, my sweet sister!!!!!

        Much love,
        April

  13. I have also been unable to have children. I blamed my husband, too. It made a huge mistake by putting a lot of pressure and blame on my husband. What I can share with you is:
    1. Love God with all your heart. Pray and get into his word daily. This will be your most important relationship ever.
    2. Love and respect your husband. Pray to God to be in your husband’s heart to do HIS will. This will be the second most important relationship you will have.
    3. Pray for God to work in your heart to do HIS will, even if it means that you will not bear children.

    I know that this is not easy. I have cried over it many times. I have found comfort in knowing that I am living a life that HE wants me to.

    1. Thank you Deb! I am learning so much thru this trial! I am feel so much more at peace when God is my focus. Thank you for the encouragement! Praying for you!

  14. As I was reading thru the other comments, I had a vision all of a sudden of how dramatically this marriage will be changed not only as you trust God with this and feel his peace beyond measure in your heart, but also as your husband feels your love, respect and acceptance if his choice. Of course you don’t change for the purpose of changing your husband, but God can change him and when your voice is out of the way, God has the room to move in your husbands heart in whichever way. And even if that doesn’t happen, you will experience a peace beyond comprehension and know that God lives you beyond measure! Grace alone, this is a courageous walk; God (I know!) will use your story to encourage many women and you will be able to hold into his faithfulness for you even when it doesn’t look how you thought it would. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing this painful struggle! MANY BLESSINGS to you, sweet sister!!

  15. My heart goes out to you, GraceAlone. While I’m not in the exact same situation, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 2.5+ years and God has chosen that every avenue we try leads to a closed door. Most times I don’t feel bitter towards my husband, but I have to fight hard to not be bitter that it is God who has rejected me and my desire to be a mom.

    Just the other day I was talking to my sister who quoted Elisabeth Elliot to me, “Peace comes through acceptance”. From a woman in a similar situation, I don’t want to make light of anything, but I have over the last 6 months come closer to accepting that God is sovereign and isn’t punishing us. In the moments where I accept this, I find so much peace. It’s hard and really painful, but there are moments of peace, when before there seemed to be none.

    I know the all consuming nature of wanting to have a baby in your arms, it hurts so much to feel you have no control. It has helped me tremendously to ask God to help me find other passions. For example, I find jogging/working out allows me to get out the anger I feel, finding godly women to be vulnerable with gives me an outlet for when I feel sad and bring joy and laughter in other times (just make sure this isn’t a place you complain about your husband, solid wives will allow you to feel upset, but remind you of how to respect your husband), and lately I’ve felt more passionate and excited about my work. I will pray the same for you, passion for other things in your world where God can show you other ways He has gifted you–you are more than just your desire to be a mom (though that is a good and huge desire).

    I will pray for your heart to see the ways your husband needs love, so you can care for him and find moments of enjoying your marriage.

    1. Thank you, abucoliclife!!! I appreciate your encouragement, sympathy, empathy, love and prayers for our sweet sister! 🙂 THANK YOU for sharing your story. I pray for you to live in God’s peace, joy, power and strength and that He might accomplish His every beautiful, holy purpose through you, your life and your marriage for His greatest glory!

    2. Wow! What a powerful reminder! I am learning by God’s grace, to accept the life that he has given me *right now*. The more I begin to trust in His sovereignty the happier I am. I loved what you said about having an outlet/distractions too. I believe God has us in this very season for a specific reason. I am able to go do things for people ( take a meal, drive them somewhere, lunch dates, ) etc., that I know having children would make these things more difficult to do. So, I am trying to be thankful that God is giving me this time to minister to others. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I am praying for you on this journey friend!

  16. Grace Alone,
    It may look so dark right now, but God is bringing his light. You have taken a courageous step, thanks for encouraging us with your experience. God sometimes withdraws what we think we need most to give us the opportunity to be satisfied with Him alone. May He bring you to that place of peace and rest in Him. it is he who works in us both to will and to act according to his good purpose (Philippians 2:13) .I am proud of you. Your life will be changed through this process to shine for God’s glory. I pray that Jesus may off load the burdens of your heart ,leaving you light to smile, laugh, and spread joy to your hubby.
    When we focus on God, he deals with our concerns at HIS OWN PACE but eventually for our good.
    Love you sister.

  17. How relevant and timely this post i to my own circumstances. Gracealone, I am facing the same dilemma; my husband and I agreed on additional children prior to marriage (I have a teen son from unplanned pregnancy at 20), and my husband blindsided me with his change of heart. I am devastated, but not completely without hope. I know that I have been refusing to relenquish control to Him. There have been several times where I truly handed Him my troubles and the outcomes of those situations were wonderful beyond my meager prior expectations. Over 3 years, my family has been like a ship on stormy sea with no captain at the helm. My eyes are opened and my heart is striving to let go of the fear that fuels the discord in my family.

    I look eagerly on reading your journey and will pray also for all of us suffering the same struggle.

    Thank you peacefulwife for addressing this and for sharing your wisdom.

    1. Livelywriter,
      I’m so glad that this post blessed you.

      I love how you are ready to let go of the fear. I can’t wait to see what God has in store as you learn to trust Him and depend on Him completely!!!!! 🙂 Thank you for praying with GraceAlone and for sharing your story!

    2. livelywriter,
      Thank you so much for posting and sharing your story. I am so encouraged to see what God has done in your life! I am trying to look to God and trust that his outcome is far better than mine ever could be! Thank you for sharing!! Blessings to you!

  18. Grace Alone,
    I am where you are at. What brought me to this post was looking for answer to divorce. Unlike your husband, mine is not a christian. Everything else seems to be the same:
    Lack of intimacy
    No touching – just a bodiless peck kiss before work
    “Maybe kids” before marriage and “No kids” afterward.
    I’m a christian and don’t want to be a doormat either.
    All attempts to be the good wifey have backfired, making me a doormat and more hurt.
    Scared of giving God my all for fear of criticism from hubs (again) and being in the same place years from now. As of right now, there’s still time for a new relationship and kids. 3 yrs down the road my chances get drastically slimmer. I’m 35yrs old.
    Can’t say the comments have helped me as much as you though. I’m just ready to give in and divorce. Guess my saying all this is my way of putting it out there. Hopefully someone will have something to say that will stop me. *Maybe* it can get better but my changing alone isn’t going to cut it.

    1. Kat,

      I am so pleased to meet you! And I am so very, very sorry for your pain. 🙁

      Can you please tell me about your walk with Christ?

      What are your greatest fears?

      What is your greatest purpose in this life?

      Much love to you!
      April

    2. Dear Kat,

      Is this the first marriage for the both of you? If so, God’s word is very clear. Marriage is for a lifetime until death and remarriage while the first spouse is still living is adultery. This is when you need to step up to the plate and pray, pray, pray for your husband’s salvation. That is the most important, but you also need to learn to stand at the gap for your marriage.

      While your situation is very painful and it’s very easy to give into our feelings, we must be obedient to God’s Word.

      1 Corinthians 7:10-11
      10And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: 11But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.

      1 Corinthians 7:12
      12But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.

      1 Corinthians 7:16
      16For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband?

      If this is not the first marriage for you and for your husband and there is a living covenant spouse in the picture, then you need to get out of the marriage immediately, because you both are in adultery. That is not a scriptural marriage. If you have a previous covenant spouse, then you need to stay single or be reconciled to him. If it turns out that you do not have a previous living covenant spouse, but your husband does, then you can marry, but only to someone never married before, lost a spouse to death and there is no living covenant wife, or the marriage was un-scriptural.

      If this is your covenant spouse, please look for Covenant Marriage Standers on Facebook for support and teaching on how to stand for your husband.

      God Bless!

    3. Kat,

      There is so much hope in Christ! But – it will come only when you are willing to lay down your dreams of having children and of having what you want in your marriage and when you are willing to seek Christ far above everything else. When you are willing to become a godly wife purely to please God and to honor Him and to know Him more – not because you want to get something in exchange. I hope that makes sense.

      It is VERY, VERY easy for us to turn good gifts from God into idols that we cherish more than we cherish Christ.

      Divorce is not an option for a believing wife.

      God may want to use you to draw your husband to Himself, but He may want to work on you first.

      Here are some posts to consider:

      My Secret Idol (a wife who wants her husband to be saved)
      the idol of happiness
      God, Don’t Waste My Time
      God Didn’t Give Me a Good Husband
      Why Should I Have to Change First?
      I Want a Divorce!
      Are You Willing to Sacrifice Your “Isaac”?
      Submission Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely

      I want God’s very best for you!

      I’m right here and would love to talk with you about these difficult issues. I am praying for you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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