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A Wife Changes Her Perspective

A wife’s response to “Things Are Beginning to Click – A Wife’s Little Victories”. Please remember that every wife’s story is unique.  Husbands usually take a long time to heal. Some husbands never change. We are not guaranteed that God will change our husbands, but we are guaranteed He will change US when we trust and obey Him and ask Him to change US for His glory.

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Yes, this is the thought process I went through also, when trying consciously to change the way I related to my husband. We argued very little about everyday things, but I would feel hurt when it seemed he wasn’t affectionate and didn’t care about my feelings (we had just moved and he was devoting all his attention to renovating and didn’t seem to notice me much for weeks. Now I know that was his way of showing love, to hurry and prepare a weatherized, warm house for the winter).

It was when I decided to not take everything personally (my insecurities were huge) that things really started to improve. I realized it had been awful for him, too; he couldn’t just relax and be himself for fear of offending me in some way.

Learning to find contentment and total acceptance in Christ instead of anyone or anything else has been key in overcoming my insecurities. When I did this, I could relax and be myself–the person my husband fell in love with. I, too, would stop myself from responding in the old, negative pattern, and concentrate on thinking first. This made such a huge difference!

Instead of having to wait months or years for an improvement, it began almost immediately. This in turn made it easier for me to keep thinking in positive ways, which in turn made my husband enjoy my company. It really is true that when we think and behave in healthy ways–that reflect God’s will for us–that things do improve. At first I had to struggle with negative thoughts much of the time, but after several weeks I noticed myself thinking in positive ways without “counseling” myself first.

Although I’m not perfect, it’s getting easier all the time, and I’m so MUCH happier!

SECOND COMMENT

April, I wanted to clarify what I meant by saying that “things really do improve” when we do things God’s way. In my case, my husband began responding affectionately and with joy, exactly what I wanted. But even if he hadn’t, I was improved and much happier on the INSIDE because I had decided my happiness wasn’t contingent on him. I felt PEACE because I had decided not to give any human being the power to take that away from me.

I had worried so much about my weight, my age (I’m 13 years older than my husband), whether or not he might ever regret marrying me and what I would do if he did, etc.). But living with those worries was terrible! Underneath everything, every day, I was worrying about the “what if,” and no one can ever feel at peace living like that. It was only when I begged God to forgive me and help me change that I began to feel at peace. I still care very much about my husband and want to please him, but whether or not he is doesn’t determine my happiness or self worth as a person any more. What FREEDOM!

15 thoughts on “A Wife Changes Her Perspective

  1. I can relate to everything your saying here, down to the age difference. My husband is 15 yrs my junior and I’ve never really had a fear of him regretting marrying an older woman but when he shut down on me nearly a year ago, the fear did set in. But April instilled in me this information: My happiness and peace must come from my relationship with Christ and Him only no matter how my relationship is with my husband. It has taken me a while to “try” that method and I have failed several times but truth is, she is right! Only when I concentrated on my walk with the Lord, was he able to start a work in my husband’s heart.

  2. Hi April,

    You know I’ve been reading your articles a little over the last two weeks. And I should say I now have Peace although I’m still struggling in many areas.. Here are some of my little victories

    1) On last Sunday, as we were going to church, my husband was getting into the car and I was surrounded by four dogs growling at me. I was carrying the baby and a handbag and I’m very very scared of dogs.. And my husband said don’t move and I obeyed but i was so so madly fearful, as soon as he started the car I opened the door very quickly and in the state the door touched the next car. And my husband gave me an angry look, took the car a little front and got down from the car saw if something happened and got into the car. That moment was soooooo easy for me to just shout at him in response.. I previously would say “I think you would go to heaven with your car” when he gives this reaction. The demon inside my head kept saying me – hes not bothered if you were bitten by dogs, hes not bothered if they bit your kid, all hes bothered is HIS CAR so selfish!! And in a moment, I just prayed Jesus I give you my hurt, Im definitely hurt and you give me comfort and being the sensitive person my eyes were flooded with tears. And he dint look at, he never apologized and that was even more hurtful but I remembered one post where you said “Husband cannot give us all the happiness because they are not Christ and If im expecting him to do that I’m setting himself up as my idol. And hes sinner and hes bound to make mistakes. I never spoke about it to him again

    2) Since yesterday I’m having terrible tooth pain, my wisdom teeth are growing abnormally and I may need a surgery to extract them. And I was down with fever, cold, shivering and headache and all other complications. I was telling him in a very nice tone about all of my pains. He was not able to comprehend, i decided to not get hurt for his behavior. But he took me to a Chinese restaurant, I love Indian and he loves chineese. And I couldnt eat and he dint tip the waiter and I told him in a nice tone, and he dint respond. Through the dinner time he was busy on his phone and I was deep in pain both physically and emotionally and I was biting my lips asking God to silence me… I dont still know how to communicate to him, if i do I do it very disrespectfully so I decided not to communicate.

    I came home and slept, he was busy with work though he kept seeing my temperature twice in the night and I felt good..

    And truly, to respect because God has laid that commandment on us has created a new paradigm shift in my reactions. I’ve tried this reaction before but the motive was mostly to be loved back.. But I’ve realized that when we give God the rightful place, we will receive love as a by product!! And the result is we honor God!

    This experience is beautiful, but always to bite lips is so unknown of me so I’m still struggling!!

    1. Vinodhini,

      I am SO glad that you didn’t say any of those things when the car door incident happened! WOOHOO!!!!

      One day, you won’t even think those disrespectful things as God continues to change your heart.

      It was not wrong for him or selfish to check the door and the other car to be sure there was no damage. In fact, I think that was pretty responsible of him to be sure that the other car wasn’t damaged.

      You and your child were safe. So – everything was fine. 🙂

      Are you able to see a doctor? You need some antibiotics if you are having a fever from your teeth. As a pharmacist, I would urge you to see a dentist or doctor immediately, my sweet friend!

      It is better to not say anything right now, than to rage at him in disrespect.

      You told him to tip the waiter and he didn’t respond?

      Here is my suggestion, for whatever it is worth – please let him handle the tips. If he is paying for supper – thank him for taking you out. It’s ok to tell him you have a fever and are hurting and need to get to the Dr. But – let him handle paying for the meal and the tip. You have so many issues in your marriage – it is not worth having a fight over him tipping the waiter or not, in my view.

      Yes, he should tip the waiter. But – he is probably more likely to do that if you don’t tell him to.

      I think you are beginning to understand! 🙂

      This is so exciting!

      Yes, you do this because God commands it – because GOD deserves it. It has nothing to do with your husband. It is all about you and God. 🙂

      Thanks for the update my friend!

      1. Vinodhini,

        PS

        One of the things love does – is – it trusts and assumes the best instead of the worst.

        So – even when you don’t agree with your husband’s decisions or he has different priorities than you do, you can then avoid assuming he has evil motives towards you “He doesn’t love me. He loves the car more than he loves me.”

        And you can give him the benefit of the doubt, “He does care about me, he is just also being responsible with the car.”

        That is how you can take your thoughts captive and how God can change your thoughts so that you don’t assume the worst – but learn to trust and assume the best about your husband.

        That change in perspective changes everything! 🙂

  3. I just can’t assume that he can have best thoughts. When I’m not well, he wants me to walk and go to the doctor and not use my bike because its not safe to drive when im weak.. And he wants to continue to go to work and not take a day off for me.

    Not just in my case he thinks too cheap about my family, my sister!

    All I can see in him is selfishness may be hes become like that because of all the ways I’ve disrespected him. Hes become hard on the inside maybe… And hes now become very independant, he gets up in the morning reads the bible and prays sometimes, goes for his walk and goes to office. He never asks me why im not cooking, he doesnt wake me up for anything. Previously he was not so active…

    May be hes trusting God more, because initially in the marriage he thought I was the solution for his problems. All my failures has led him closer to God and numb to emotions and me!

    I need you to pray for me, looks like I’m back to my backsliding and emotions and the want to loved and cared and its getting worse with my health issues!

    1. Vinodhini,

      You CAN assume the best about him. You choose not to.

      Maybe he is concerned about providing well for the family. Maybe there would be consequences if he didn’t go to work or maybe he is afraid he could lose his job or jeopardize his job?

      Maybe he has become hard in his heart.

      But you do not have to be hard in your heart!

      PRAISE GOD that he reads his Bible and prays.

      Your pain and exhaustion are probably making things seem a lot worse. Right now is not a good time to try to evaluate or judge your marriage or your husband – but to focus on resting and getting the care you need to get better, my friend!

      1. Vinodhini,

        Even if your husband IS selfish and hateful (which I am not entirely convinced is the case), God desires you to treat him like this:

        Romans 12:9-21
        9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

        14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.

        17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”[b] says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

        “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
        if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
        In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”[c]
        21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

        I Corinthians 13:4-8a
        4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

        8 Love never fails.

        And He desires you to be filled with His Spirit – then you will have all of these qualities abundantly in your life by His power:

        Galatians 5:22-2322
        But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

        You will be able to do these things NOT because your husband deserves it – but because you are walking in obedience to God and in the power of His Spirit.

        I pray you will have some time with God today and I pray for healing for your infected tooth!

        Sending a big hug my precious sister!

  4. April
    I will mail you certain things which make me feel he’s selfish, not exactly to justify what I feel. May be I’m wrong, but I want to get your perspective on that. While I continue to work on myself to rely on Christ and to tear my idols down!

    1. Vin,

      I have no doubt he is selfish at times. My greatest concern is YOUR obedience to Christ and YOUR walk with Him and YOUR behavior. THAT is where you have the power to allow God to work miracles. I believe God desires to change you first. 🙂

      But yes, I think you need to get well and rest for awhile – and not try to get this all figured out right this minute. 🙂

      I am very excited about what I know God is about to do in your heart!

      Much love!
      April

      1. Dear April,

        About his selfishness I was just traumatized this morning. But I dint want to let it drown me into sin again!

        I got up at 7:00 AM for the tests, since my daughter was sleeping, I said I will go myself and get the tests done. He was saying he will come along but that was not practical, though I wished he could.

        However, I left on my two wheeler and while I was almost done with my test, he send me a message saying why dont you go to work today and take an off on Monday!! While yday morning he told me he would take leave today and said he would accompany me for tests and the dentist.

        The reason for the whole change is his mom. She called him last night and said she wanted him to accompany her to the doctor. and he decided overnight to accompany his mom. And as always he tends to give me the least priority!

        I still felt hurt, because Im not filled with the spirit currently, my body is weak!

        But I made a conscious choice, that his actions would not affect my reaction! On my way back I bought some breakfast for him and behaved normally but I think It was more like acting and not my original self because I was hurt.

        The entire day, I’ve been into introspecting and a lot of thoughts weighing me down and now its time for me to go and get my tooth extracted!

        I’m a lot nervous and scared of all the dental instruments 🙁

        Please pray for me!!

        Love
        Vin

        1. Vinodhini,

          At first, it will feel like acting – because it is different from your normal sinful nature reaction.

          That is ok – as you continue to pray and practice and repent of sin and seek God above everything, it will become more and more normal. You are dying to your old self and putting on your new self in Christ. 🙂

          Did you ever read a Fellow Wife’s post “Bitterness of Soul”?

          She felt her husband put others above her in priority, too. But – interestingly – as she truly submitted to Christ and gave up her idol of her husband and his attention and being his “first priority” – he became much more attentive.

          As you choose to bless your husband and see the best in him and you seek God – God will radically change YOU. Then the power of heaven will begin to flood your soul and your marriage. He is able to change you and your husband in ways you cannot change yourself and you can certainly not change your husband. In time, you will begin to inspire your husband by God’s power working in you instead of trying to use your sinful nature to attempt to force him to do what you want – which only repels him.

          I can’t wait to see what God has in store!

          There will be a lot of things to change and pray about. That is ok. We ALL have to go through that part of this journey.

          I’m thrilled to get to walk beside you!

          Praying for you with your dental appointment today.

          Maybe you can thank your husband for taking such good care of his mom and being a great son. And – maybe you can thank him for offering to take you today and tell him how thoughtful that was and how much you appreciate it.

          Much love!
          April

  5. It is so easy to take things personally and when our emotions get the better of us, we loose perspective and sometimes we are not discerning the truth of our relationship. Our thoughts wander adn imagine the worse when in fact it is usually not so complicated. I find for myself, I get terrorized at a bad end or that I am not really appreciated but for many years, the sun never ever went down on our anger. Rarely have our frustrations lasted more than 24 hrs. They may come agaisn the next day mind you!! But we do not brood and there is a solution or a break at the end of the day. Somehow God gets us through each day and I reflect at how my emotions and fears got up and down at escalating rates during a criss so I keep these things in mind. It will pass!

    1. Miryam,
      Yes, we have to order our feelings and emotions around at times, and not let them take us captive. I think if we can rest in our husbands’ love and realize they do love us even if we don’t agree at the moment and we are going to work things out, we can be a lot more calm and peaceful and patient to work things out within the next day or two. 🙂

      Thanks for sharing!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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