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A Wife’s Path to Peace

Couple in convertible

A wife’s response to  “But I’m right!  I’m the better leader.  I should be in charge.”

A SISTER IN THE LORD:

Wow.

I saw myself (thankfully how I used to be) in your post. I, too, saw myself as always right and the better person in my marriage. The fact that my husband and I have just celebrated our 30th anniversary is, first, because of God’s love and mercy, and second, because my husband is such a good, gracious man. For the last few years I have been learning more and more about how to be the woman God wants me to be. Your blog has so much God inspired wisdom. I truly thank you for sharing!

It feels so wonderful and, yes, PEACEFUL to release my death grip of control and relax in God’s and my husband’s care. I am truly feeling “the peace that passes all understanding.” My husband is smiling now and being sweeter to me more and more every day.

PEACEFULWIFE

Congratulations on celebrating your 30th anniversary! What a blessing! :)

I am so excited about what God is teaching you and all that He is doing in your heart.

Tell me something, please, many women in the early stages of this journey are terrified to give up control – looking back now – do you feel like you had to sacrifice anything that was actually valuable to do this God’s way? It sounds to me like it has been more than worth it to you. :)

I love that you are living in God’s supernatural peace and resting in His love and your husband’s love. I know I NEVER want to go back to my old ways of doing things! You could not PAY me to do that stuff anymore!

A SISTER IN THE LORD
The changes in me did not happen overnight. You speak of a journey. That is exactly what it is and the destination is personal joy and peace.

As far back as I can remember, being in control of my own life was prominent in my attitudes and actions. My father left my mother for another woman when I was five. I was home and witnessed the horrible verbal and physical fight that culminated in his squealing car tires as he left. I saw my Mom weeping and begging him not to leave. I guess this was my first lesson in self-reliance.

I’d never put myself in a position with anyone where I would need them so much I’d fall apart if or really WHEN they left.

I truly thought that self-reliance was evidence of personal strength and was a laudable trait. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. Being too attached to someone was just asking for trouble. I was saved by Christ and believed the Bible but I had no understanding of my own sin: arrogance, pride, and distrust of everyone INCLUDING God. I was blind to my own sin and was convinced I was better than most people.

This spilled over into my marriage in a poisonous tide. I “grabbed onto the steering wheel from the passenger seat” all the while thinking I knew better. And the most incredulous thing? I thought my husband would be pleased that I wasn’t a needy woman, that he would be happy that he didn’t have to see after me! Boy, oh, boy.

So, have I given up anything of value?

No, I think I have FOUND that treasure in a field that Jesus spoke of. I have traded my ashes for beauty. I have a growing relationship with Jesus that is real. I trust God to take care of me. My realization that I am as you said a “wretched sinner” was the best thing that ever happened to me! Because of this, the poisonous tide in my marriage has changed to the sweetest water. I am not perfect in this journey but I want my life to be a testimony to what following God’s plan can do in a marriage. My husband responded positively almost immediately to the changes in me. Where before he never mentioned God, now he occasionally reaches out to take my hand to pray over our meal. Where before he was sullen and absent, now he plans things for us to do TOGETHER.

But the greatest change has been in me.

I am calmer and more joyful. I have discovered that from the passenger seat one can truly enjoy the scenery! I can rest when I get tired or dance in my seat if I want to! :) I look forward to the rest of my journey.

I am thankful for your blog. It is such a blessing to have this helpful resource readily available. You and your husband are on my list of people I thank God for in prayer.

PEACEFULWIFE

Wow! Your experience with your parents BREAKS MY HEART!!!!!!!

You learned to expect men to leave and to expect to have to take care of yourself. That dramatically impacted your understanding of God, men, marriage, masculinity and femininity… I can’t begin to imagine how big the scars would be from that devastating experience.  Thank God He is working in your life!

I LOVE your story! Gives me chills!

I am so excited about what God is doing in your life and marriage!!!!! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!

Yes – this is the treasure Jesus was talking about- it is worth giving up everything else in the world to have it.

That part about you describing enjoying the scenery, resting if you want to or dancing in your seat – makes me smile.  What a beautiful picture!

Much love to you my precious sister! Thank you for shining for Him and allowing Him to work in you!

 

8 thoughts on “A Wife’s Path to Peace

  1. I can relate to this precious sister’s own journey and my own ‘problem’ with self-reliance. At work or in school, that is a great characteristic, a virtue even. But in marriage and in life in general, one has to learn the value of letting go and letting God.

    Having my mother pass away when I was only 17, (I am 37 now.) taught me that life was too short and that I should be responsible for myself at all times. This did not translate well in marriage. My super-efficiency was in a way, emasculating my very kind but passive husband. I could do it all after all, or so I thought. That left him with no role to fulfill because I was doing his role/s too. I thought I was just being industrious and helpful!

    Through April’s blog, I realized the beauty of God’s Design for Marriage. I can still be responsible and efficient, yes, those are great traits after all, BUT I should be efficient in MY God-ordained role, as submissive wife, telling my husband my thoughts and feelings,after which, letting my husband have the last say on every decision. That way, I am pleasing God and following His Commandment, and this is a BIG thing for me, and at the same time being PROTECTED because I am submitting to and obeying my God-ordained authority, my loving husband.

    Thanks April! Your blog is my breath of fresh air every day. I wonder at times how you are still keeping at it, and I remember, this is really all about GOD and you are really being empowered by the Spirit with wisdom and counsel. Much love to you! 🙂

  2. I never considered why I had trouble with controlling behavior. After this article though it became clear to me. I too had traumatic experiences with my father and it makes perfect sence. Letting go of control is one step to healing.

    1. Marie,

      Our childhoods are so important. That is where we are “programmed” hopefully to understand God’s love, who God is, what men are like, what to expect from them, what women are like, how to be a woman and what to expect in marriage.

      If we have deep wounds or we were “programmed wrong” in our childhood – we have to deal with that, excavate it and allow God to rebuild from scratch from the truth of His Word.

      I’m so glad this helped! 🙂

  3. “Asking for help was a sign of weakness. Being too attached to someone was just asking for trouble.”

    “I thought my husband would be pleased that I wasn’t a needy woman, that he would be happy that he didn’t have to see after me!”

    I can so relate to these statements. They basically used to be my philosophy of life :(. My mother was divorced twice by the time I was 3, and after that she never remarried. I grew up watching her do everything by herself and thinking other people, especially men, were not to be trusted or relied upon.

    My mom never let ME help her with much, either, so I also grew up feeling useless, and as though her life would have been so much easier if she didn’t have to take care of me. So I’ve always felt like I can never do enough to “earn my keep,” or to erase that feeling of being a burden. Subconsciously, I was determined to always be in control and never to need anything from anyone, including my husband because I didn’t really expect him to stick around forever. But of course it was all a lie. Inside I was incredibly needy from years of pretending not to need anything.

    I finally realized (among so many other things) that I was doing the same thing to my husband that my mom had always done to me: making him feel like there was nothing for him to do in the house and making him question why he was even here. I felt awful! Now it still baffles me that the more I accept from my husband and admit that I need him, the happier he is. It goes against everything I always thought and believed, but we are both so much happier. And of course it also helps to realize it’s not my husband’s job to fill that gaping hole of need in me. It is a spiritual hunger that nothing in this world can fix.

  4. Thank you to everyone for so much honesty here. I’m going to share a little of my past too because I’m working on opening up to safe, godly people and not hiding behind masks anymore. So here goes: My married mom had an affair with a married man, and I was the result. She kept the affair a secret for a few years but eventually told her husband (my emotional, but not biological, dad). They decided to stay married, but then along came a temptress that easily seduced my dad away, so my parents ended up getting a divorce and I was told the awful truth about the affair so that I wouldn’t find it out from my dad’s new girlfriend/second wife. I lived my entire childhood into my twenties unaware that self-sufficiency was not really a good thing. Lol. Thankfully, I got saved along the way. I too could not comprehend my own sinfulness and arrogance. Other people seem to comprehend that so quickly, but I had reacted to my parents’ issues by becoming so “perfect” and so “good” that I honestly believed I was better than other people. I made outstanding grades, and I thought that made me a somebody. Maybe I was trying to make up for all of my parents’ mistakes or to prove that I wasn’t a mistake myself. I was deeply ashamed of what they had done to one another but also terrified I would lose my mom too if I expressed too much anger, hurt, etc. It is only by the grace of God that I have become emotionally available enough to have a romantic relationship and get married to the man God picked for me and also to be on the journey to becoming a peaceful wife. My poor husband doesn’t get why I’m such a jumpy person. Lol. I think I better understand it now after reading this blog and writing this comment. 🙂 Just like he has explained a hundred times that his frustration about different things life throws our way has nothing to do with me (I often have a knee jerk fear response to any anger or discontent on his side even if it’s totally unrelated to anything I have done- drives him nuts!), I have explained that my anxiety is not related to him at all. Continuing on the journey…

    1. Growing up spiritually,

      Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can completely understand why you learned to try to be “perfect” to attempt to be accepted and valued. I also became a perfectionist – and was so blind to my own sin. It’s crazy how deceitful my heart can be!

      I am so excited about what God is doing in your heart. You are always welcome to share here. Praying for God’s greatest glory in your life my precious sister! I can’t wait to see all that He has in store for you. YOU are not a mistake. You are a precious child of God. 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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