From the wife who gave up on her dream for her marriage and who decided to stop pursuing her husband (in the wrong ways) – an update!
HASHING THROUGH GIVING UP CONTROLLING MY HUSBAND
I was thinking this morning that it is hard for me to believe that if I am trying to honor God, put Him first in my heart and allow HIM to work on my husband in His time, that He will not honor my efforts.
Those fears are REAL. But in the end, they aren’t NEW fears. They are fears I have already had but tried to handle by controlling my husband and the circumstances we found ourselves in. It is mind blowing that I actually thought I *had* control.
I didn’t have control.
What I had, at BEST, was manipulation and tools of guilt, bitterness and some truly real emotions I tried to share. But I NEVER did have control. That was an illusion I was fooled by.
It is a matter of weighing those fears with the peace of releasing my husband and having an open heart to accepting whatever God’s will is vs. keeping those fears and trying desperately but ineffectively to prevent them. Not too much of a question, is it?
That does not mean it is easy to accept them or the possibility that the worst possible scenarios may occur. But trying to control was not protection against any of those anyway. Trying to control my husband and how he loved me- along with many, MANY other things in our lives was painful! It was exhausting! I remember having the thought, “I am so tired of fighting to get him to love me. How much longer can I do this? When is he going to do it on his own?” and having that thought often, sometimes daily for probably the last year- two years leading up to last week. But, although hurtful, that time was helpful to get me to the point of releasing my husband and releasing expectations.
BEING AFFECTIONATE AND NOT MAKING MY HUSBAND AN IDOL OR SMOTHERING HIM
Change of topic here. Small question…. I am still trying to sort all of the correct actions out in my mind…. it is fine to be affectionate with dh on my own, yes? I am thinking it must be because you have mentioned that you are with Greg when you wish to be… and it is fine to tell him I love him spontaneously, right?
My understanding/ general gut-feeling is yes, it is absolutely fine to share my love for him as long as I am not trying to manipulate him to giving me a certain response and as long as I don’t go into excessive overdrive where I am smothering him and taking the lead for our relationship away from him (again). I WANT to be able to express my feelings for him. Am I off base or that is the direction I should be heading in?
A NEW APPROACH AND NEW RESPONSES
A couple updates from last night (cause I know you are just on the edge of your seat- LOL!)
-I was stressed last night. PMS, kids pushing it, money issues and then a small issue with my job just finished it off. I tried to talk to dh about the issue with my job and at first he didn’t want to listen. I was hateful to him.
Then I approached it differently and asked him sweetly if he had time to talk to me for a minute- each time my boss emailed me- and I asked him for advice and to help me figure out how to handle the situation. He patiently helped me figure out the right responses to get my point across respectfully to my boss. Later, I told him thank you for helping me and I told him I was sorry I was hateful to him. I almost added a ‘but’ but remembered in time.
He was very forgiving. I could tell the apology went over much better without the explanation of why.
– Last night, we were in bed and he was reaching around in between us. I asked him what he was looking for, thinking it was the remote. He said, “Your hand.”
THIS IS NEW. This is a BIG deal. Did not happen up until the last week. I gave him my hand and told him I loved it when he held my hand and that it made me happy.
I believe it is great to be affectionate with our husbands – IF we are just being affectionate to bless them NOT to try to get them to do what we want them to do and IF they are receptive.