- I rolled my eyes at him.
- I used a tone.
- I insulted his income.
- I said things in front of people that were unkind.
- I called the shots.
- I kept him in line. Although, he wasn’t lining up so great for me
and I am not proud of any of these things.
But the total renovation that I read about happening to Peacefulwife and other wives who did this was not happening for this girl.
- I turned a lot of decisions over to my husband.
- I tried to focus on building him up.
“I am so tired of fighting for him! I have done nothing but fight for his attention and to be his priority for ALL of our marriage.”
- I had given it my all.
- I had tried everything to win.
- I wanted to win.
- I NEEDED to win.
- It was VERY, VERY important to me that my husband show me and everyone else in the world how much I mattered to him.
I did not win.
I waved the white flag.
I. LET. GO.
This is not something you can just decide to do. This is something that you have to HIT.
I told my husband this very clearly that
I would no longer try to make him show me how much he cared about me.
- It meant I would no longer pursue him to get him to pursue me.
- It meant that the ball was in his court.
- If he wanted to play ball, I am up for it but I will not make the first move.
- I handed him control of our relationship.
- I finally understood what Peacefulwife meant when she said she had to grow content in a season of waiting because this meant I was going to wait on my husband until he was ready to make a move. And if he didn’t, we would sit here.
I made a decision that I would continue to meet his needs even if he didn’t mine. That was not easy because that was unselfish which is not something I was very closely acquainted with.
I let that fantasy die.
Letting go of that fantasy also brought me some good things. Life giving and healing things.
- Peacefulness in myself
- Security regardless of what my husband does or does not do.
- An ability to see things more clearly.
- An ability to find God in a totally new way.
- I got a few more puzzle pieces to work with.
I did not get that when I tried to make him give me what I needed that I was using another form of control.
My husband may never choose to meet my needs.
Perhaps he will.
This really isn’t about that at all.
This is about me
- hitting the point where I could not go on living in such an unhealthy way any longer.
- saying, “Lord, my husband belongs to you. You take him and work with Him. You are far better equipped than I.”
- realizing how little control I actually had.
- realizing just how tiny I am and how big God is. I am just a little ant in his great big world.
- realizing that although my husband and I are joined by marriage, I do not own him.
- seeing God show me how much work there is to do in ME.
- realizing that it is okay to focus on ME and my relationship with God and let my husband have his own process.
“Lord, I cannot do this any longer.
Please take this because it is too heavy for me.
Take all of my expectations of my husband and
all of my hurts and unfulfilled dreams because
they are too painful to carry any longer.
I pray someday you bless our marriage with the things
You know I have wanted so desperately
but even if You never, ever do,
I can’t do this without You any longer.
I need You to help me.
I need You to do the changing and fixing in our marriage.
I am not equipped to do it and I am sorry I ever, ever tried.
I pray You work with both of us.
And start with me.”
That was a hard place to be and a hard thing to say. My heart was so broken accepting that the things I have waited on and wanted so desperately may never be a reality.
- I had to get to where I could go on EVEN if my worst fears happened.
- I had to get to a place where I realized that I never really had any control at all. At best, what I had was some sinful tools of manipulation and guilt to try to get my way.
- I had to get to a place where I let go of my husband and got ahold of myself again. Where I could realize that the only person I could change was myself.
This is a much more peaceful way to live. Trying to control my husband and the outcome of everything in our marriage was exhausting. Resting in myself and my relationship with God is refreshing.
- I see my husband beginning to stand taller.
- I see my husband beginning to search for his wife now that she is not following his every step.
I am hopeful good things are coming. I have to trust that this is for my ultimate good. Since I am a child of God I believe that anything that happens to me is FOR my good or He would not allow it. I felt frustrated and overwhelmed when I first started out to become a godly wife because I didn’t have all of the puzzle pieces yet. I may not have them all now. I don’t know. My puzzle isn’t finished. But I have more than I did have and the picture is becoming clearer.