“Giving Up on My Dream for My Marriage” – by A Fellow Wife

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I started on my journey in seeking to become a godly wife in October of 2012.  My husband and I had a horrible fight that ended with angry words on both of our parts and a lot of hurt feelings.  I remember the term that led me to The Peacefulwife’s website was “how to get your husband to lead” because that was something I wanted and needed desperately.

My husband and I have never really had a bad relationship.  We are both Christians.  We deeply love each other.  We are strong in our commitment to each other.  But things still weren’t on the right balance and it could be felt by both of us and in our home.  We were not where we needed to be to have a godly marriage… and we are still very much in process.

But I did not fully get the depth of what I was doing.  And because of that, I grew overwhelmed.  I was trying all the right steps, why weren’t things happening?  Don’t misunderstand; things did improve somewhat.

But the total renovation that I read about happening to Peacefulwife and other wives who did this was not happening for this girl. 

My heart was truly wanting to do the right thing.  But I hadn’t *hit* where I needed to hit to truly make the change.  It was like I was trying to work a 5000 piece puzzle with only 2000 of the pieces.  Every now and then I would get a glimpse of how beautiful it could be but I didn’t have all the pieces I needed to get that picture.

I was still feeling lonely and neglected by my husband.  He still wasn’t responding to me very well, although I was making lots of practical steps toward respecting him.  I did a lot of things right.  While I didn’t completely stop being disrespectful, I cut a lot of it out.

• I turned a lot of decisions over to my husband.
• I tried to focus on building him up.

Here I was, trying to be the best wife I could be and I didn’t think he cared at all what kind of husband he was being.  He seemed selfish and tuned out.  Then he made a choice that hurt me very deeply.  Were there worse things that could have happened in our marriage?  Certainly.  But for me, it was the last brick that finally broke down the load I was carrying.  I just could not carry it anymore.  I remember thinking this thought, in my heart for at least a couple of years before I finally hit “My Breaking Point”…

I felt absolutely exhausted from that fight.

• I had given it my all.
• I had tried everything to win.
• I wanted to win.
• I NEEDED to win.
• It was VERY, VERY important to me that my husband show me and everyone else in the world how much I mattered to him.

Not because I made the mature choice and saw that my behavior was not pleasing to God.  I wish I could tell you that was the reason.  It wasn’t.  That came a bit later.  No.  I let go because it was too painful to try to hold him any longer.  I just hit a point where  I could not fight for him to love me any longer.  He always HAS loved me.  But he hasn’t always loved me in the way that *I* wanted.  Which is what I was fighting for.

If he didn’t do it from the heart, it didn’t count anyway, did it?  What satisfaction is there in buffaloing your husband into doing something you want him to do when you know deep down that you pushed him into it?

• It meant I would no longer pursue him to get him to pursue me.
• It meant that the ball was in his court.
• If he wanted to play ball, I am up for it but I will not make the first move.
• I handed him control of our relationship.
• I finally understood what Peacefulwife meant when she said she had to grow content in a season of waiting because this meant I was going to wait on my husband until he was ready to make a move.  And if he didn’t, we would sit here.

I did this lovingly.

There was directness but no harshness.

Although I still had the love of my life, what I did not have was the fantasy marriage (the idol) I wanted and had fought for, for so very long.

• Peacefulness in myself
• Security regardless of what my husband does or does not do.
• An ability to see things more clearly.
• An ability to find God in a totally new way.
• I got a few more puzzle pieces to work with.

In what I am learning about men- and my knowledge is very limited at this point-  the surest way NOT to get what I wanted was to push for it.  

This is about me

• hitting the point where I could not go on living in such an unhealthy way any longer.
• saying, “Lord, my husband belongs to you.  You take him and work with Him.  You are far better equipped than I.”
• realizing how little control I actually had.
• realizing just how tiny I am and how big God is.  I am just a little ant in his great big world.
• realizing that although my husband and I are joined by marriage, I do not own him.
• seeing God show me how much work there is to do in ME.
• realizing that it is okay to focus on ME and my relationship with God and let my husband have his own process.

For me, this was not a joyful experience.

No.

This was an experience where I had to reach a point where I tearfully, brokenly handed my marriage to God and said,

That was a hard place to be and a hard thing to say.  My heart was so broken accepting that the things I have waited on and wanted so desperately may never be a reality.

• I had to get to where I could go on EVEN if my worst fears happened. 
• I had to get to a place where I realized that I never really had any control at all.  At best, what I had was some sinful tools of manipulation and guilt to try to get my way.
• I had to get to a place where I let go of my husband and got ahold of myself again.  Where I could realize that the only person I could change was myself.

While there are still some hurts in my heart and still some things God and I have left to work through, I can tell you that

I do not know what the future holds.  I see some little sprigs of hope springing up.

• I see my husband beginning to stand taller.
• I see my husband beginning to search for his wife now that she is not following his every step.

I am hopeful good things are coming.  I have to trust that this is for my ultimate good.  Since I am a child of God I believe that anything that happens to me is FOR my good or He would not allow it.  I felt frustrated and overwhelmed when I first started out to become a godly wife because I didn’t have all of the puzzle pieces yet.  I may not have them all now.  I don’t know.  My puzzle isn’t finished.  But I have more than I did have and the picture is becoming clearer.

Blessings to you.