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An Interview with My Husband – Understanding a Passive Husband's Mindset

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Greg and April – May 28, 1994
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Greg and April at the church where we were married – May 28, 2013
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Greg and I had an impromptu interview the other evening.  I have been hearing from one of my dear friends who has been struggling a lot on this journey of learning to be a godly wife.  I was asking my husband what his perspective was earlier in our marriage as I was being so disrespectful and controlling.  During that time, he became passive and very unplugged.  There were times he barely spoke to me, barely looked at me and sometimes barely touched me.  I thought you might be interested to hear what he had to say.  
This was the first time I have ever heard much of these particular thoughts of his.  I am SO honored that he feels safe enough now to share his heart with me like this.  What a privilege for me to be married to this man and for God to have so radically changed me, our marriage and Greg.  I thank and praise God EVERY DAY for the miracles He did in our marriage.  It was ALL Him.
1. What are some of the things I did that used to bother you the most before God showed me my disrespect and control?
You already had this conversation in your head with me all day long and were already mad at me before I could even say what I wanted to say.  You  already decided what my answer was going to be and how you were going to deal with it, there was no use in me answering.
You would ask me a question, but it was worded so that if I picked one answer, I would have to be the stupidest person in the world.  There is only one right answer.  I couldn’t disagree with you.  That was not allowed.   You knew you were “so right” about it, there was no room for you to be wrong.  There was no room for any other perspective in the world.  

Once you are hit with that over and over, why answer?  What’s my role?  Do I have a role?

2. (Talking about the TV/football watching thing) I can probably watch 1 football game,  but I can’t watch 40 hours/week.  Of course, wives would like to talk and connect with their husbands 40 hours/week.

I don’t even talk to MYSELF 40 hours/week!

To husbands, talking = conflict.  At work, we have to have a meeting because there is a problem.  At home, we have to talk because there is a problem.

It was never, “Can we talk about what you want to talk about, Honey?”  It was always, “I’m going to tell you, and you’re going to listen to me.”

Wow!  I have never thought of it like that!  But – that is so right!  Yikes!
3. Why did you stay with me all those 14+ years that I was not giving you what you needed?
There were times I wasn’t happy.  I stayed because I loved you.  Leaving wasn’t an option.  I could be unhappy, but it didn’t mean I didn’t want you to be my wife.
4.  Were there any happy times?
There were some happy times.  
(My perspective was) if I didn’t want some of your characteristics, I shouldn’t have married you.  Some of the things that made you struggle a little bit at being a wife were some of the things that were probably at the same time things that attracted me to you as well.
I liked that you were intelligent and a go-getter and had a little bit of an edge of brazenness.  I liked that you were independent, strong-willed and educated (as a pharmacist).  I didn’t want to be with somebody that was “just average.”   You wouldn’t do any thing that you didn’t give it 110%.  School, flute, piano, pharmacy…  you gave everything you had to all of it.
You were good with words.  I thought it would help me somewhere in the long run.
5. What were some of the hardest things for you during those years?

At times I felt trapped.  I felt like I didn’t have a voice.  

I wasn’t “not answering” you to try to irritate you at all.  I felt trapped in my situation.  It didn’t matter if I answered.  It seemed like however I saw it – it wouldn’t matter.
6. There were a handful of times that you really stood your ground, and I ended up VERY reluctantly doing what you wanted.  Why were you willing to insist on those few issues?
If I lost those types of things, I wouldn’t have had anything to call my own.  I wasn’t willing to lose those things.
7. How did the way I disrespected and controlled you impact your relationship with God?
I don’t know that you had a real negative effect on my relationship with God.  But your “mastering” of it, would come into play.  When it came to (Bible) knowledge, you were way, way, way beyond advanced of where I was.  When it came to wisdom, I looked at is as we all had issues with that (due to a lack of) experience and maturity.  I don’t think you had a huge role in disparaging me (spiritually).  I didn’t challenge you much on it.
8.  Did you have any hope that I would change?
I was not looking for you to change.  I knew there were ways we could be better.  

I looked at myself as the problem most of the time.  I looked at me as “not getting it.”  I didn’t look at you as the problem.

  • I just wasn’t doing what I needed to do.  
  • I wasn’t making you as happy as I needed to.  
  • I was not the husband I needed to be.  

I was looking for ways to limit the pain by going into a shell.

9.  I believe that if you had told me I had hurt you – at any point in those first 14+ years –  I would have felt HORRIBLE and would have wanted to apologize and make things right.  But you NEVER told me about your pain.  NEVER.  I eventually believed you didn’t have feelings at all. Why didn’t you ever say anything?  Why did you suffer silently all those years?

I didn’t tell you my pain because “a man doesn’t show pain.”

10.  Why did you allow me to lead?

Some things I looked at as it was advantageous for you to lead.  When I wouldn’t make a decision, you were always there to hammer down the decision, and if things got screwed up, it was your fault.

11. I can remember BEGGING you many times, ” PLEASE, just tell me what you need!  I don’t know what you need!”  Why didn’t you say that you needed respect from me?  Why didn’t you say you needed me to stop trying to control you?

  • I felt like it was my problem.  
  • I didn’t necessarily know what I needed.
  • I would have felt like it would have been selfish for me to say what I needed.

I knew I needed respect, but I didn’t know how to explain that to you.  I didn’t look at it as something I could ask for.  I looked at is as something I couldn’t obtain.  There was something I was doing that meant I didn’t deserve it.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I think it is SIGNIFICANT that BOTH of us thought my husband was the problem.  I didn’t see myself as any part of the problem those first 14+ years of our marriage.  My husband didn’t see me as being any part of the problem.   But the truth is – we were BOTH contributing to the problems in our marriage – and change only happened after I was willing to look at my (rather hefty) part in the mess. My power came when God opened my eyes to my own sin and helped me stop pointing my finger at my husband and begin to deal with the mountain of sin in my own life.

  • I was not responsible for 100% of the problems in our marriage.
  • I was not responsible for my husband’s sin.
  • My husband was not responsible for 100% of the problems in our marriage!!  Sadly, that was the only explanation I could imagine for many years.  How wrong I was!

But I was responsible for my own sin, my own walk with Christ, my emotions, my responses, my joy, my contentment, my peace.  Of course, real joy, contentment and peace can only be found in Jesus.  My husband can’t give me those things.  Only Jesus can.  And He only gives me His supernatural joy and peace when I follow Him and lay down my life for Him in total submission 100%.

Please notice that some of my husband’s feelings are the exact same kinds of fears women tend to have about biblical submission and respect.  Quite honestly, in the first 14 years of our marriage, I expected my husband to “submit to me.”  I tried to force him to bow to my will.  And man, was I offended when he wouldn’t do as I said he should!  I would NEVER have said that I wanted him to follow me or “submit” to me.  But I thought I was always right.  I thought I was better than he was.  I thought I was closer to God than he was. I thought I was a better leader than he was.  I thought he “wouldn’t” lead or “couldn’t” lead.  So I tried to take control.  What a disaster!

Thankfully when a woman biblically submits to her husband – she has the freedom to speak her mind and voice her feelings – and her husband, as he feels respected and honored, will generally desire seek what is in her best interest.  

A godly husband who is entrusted with leadership reacts with humility, sacrificial love and a desire to delight his wife.  

But his first priority is to please and honor Christ.  So – ladies – don’t worry about losing your voice when you obey God in marriage.  When we do things God’s way – we have MORE power in a godly way – than we ever could when we try to usurp our husbands’ authority and take over and try to force our way.

The truth is …  I wouldn’t follow Greg.  He did try to lead early on.  I fought him tooth and nail.  I was in rebellion against God and against Greg.  My husband was totally capable of leading.  He does a wonderful job of it now!  I was sabotaging him, myself and our marriage – and didn’t even know it.  I NEVER EVER EVER want to go back to the way things were.  I was miserable, lonely, anxious, stressed and fearful.  Greg was shut down and emotionally very distant.  Our marriage has been INFINITELY better since God showed me His design for marriage.  We have the intimacy and connection we always wanted.  My husband is the man I always knew he could be.  I am the woman I had always longed to be.  I am SO ETERNALLY THANKFUL to Him!  

MY HUSBAND’S BLOG:

www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com

RELATED:

Things that Fuel a Spirit of Discontentment in Me

The Secret to True Contentment

A Husband Answer’s a Wife’s Question – “Why Won’t My Husband Lead?”

Humility is Beautiful

Why So Many of Us Aren’t Prepared to Be Godly Wives – Part 1

Why So Many of Us Aren’t Prepared to Be Godly Wives – Part 2

My Husband Is Not Responsible for My Happiness

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

Could My Disrespect Contribute to My Husband’s Depression?

Dying to Self

38 thoughts on “An Interview with My Husband – Understanding a Passive Husband's Mindset

  1. There’s a saying that is stuck in my head and probably a lot of guys-‘ Respect isn’t given, it’s earned”. In my head if I have to ask for respect it isn’t really respect.It’s just some imitation of it, probably with a hidden agenda.

    1. Ted C,

      Respect is earned in the work place. I think we can all agree on that. But we have translated that concept into the marriage covenant instead of upholding unconditional love and unconditional respect. Of course, God does not call us to love and respect sin. But He does call us as wives to respect our husbands no matter how we feel they are “performing” – even when things aren’t going well. just as He calls husbands to love their wives even when we are unlovable.

      That is a good point – about not being able to trust someone’s respect if you have to ask for it. I can understand how a man would think that way. It’s amazing to me how women have no problem asking for love from their husbands. But when men ask for respect, many women gloss over that. And for others, they never voice their need, and their wives never know what is really wrong.

      God’s design is very counter-cultural but His wisdom is infinitely higher than ours. I’m so thankful He didn’t leave us in the dark about this.

      Great to hear from you!

  2. I am so thankful for your blog! I am that wife ( the disrespectful, know it all, take leadership one.) I’ve read many many of your articles the last few weeks. Finally, I have answers to the what is happening in my marriage. I have known for years that my marriage is not what God would want. I put the blame on my husband. “Why won’t he lead?!”, I would cry out to God. Which, further justified my actions in my head. So many of your articles pierce me right in the heart. I’ve never heard anyone speak of our roles as wives with such honesty, and actually give ways to change the behavior. I have to admit it is like speaking Chinese to me right now. At least now I can see the problem, but I am having a really hard time changing the behavior. I can see now how I’m hurting my husband, and I’ve apologized and asked for forgiveness. It doesn’t stop me from going back to my old behavior when I’m tired, or annoyed. Sometimes when I am trying my very hardest, are the days when he is being a jerk. Then I lash out again. I love God so much, and feel I have an incredible relationship with Him. I can so easily submit it all to Him. Knowing that I’m being disrespectful to God through my marriage is painful. I can honestly say I never SAW my sin in my marriage before. The examples I see in the marriages around me are as equally dysfunctional, and I don’t know if I’ve actually ever seen an example of marriage as God wants it to be. Thank you for your blog. Although I feel lost, I will not give up. I want my marriage to be what God designed it to be. I want my husband to feel loved, and respected!

    1. Lea,

      I SO WISH I had access to all of this information 19 years ago! I can’t begin to tell you how much different our marriage would have been if only I had understood God’s design from the beginning.

      I can totally relate – FINALLY – ANSWERS!

      This is a LONG process. Think of it as a cross country walking trip of 3000 miles. It is not a sprint. It is not an instant switch and you are suddenly the most godly wife ever. It is the process of sanctification, really. Chunking out the old worldly, sinful ways and rebuilding from scratch on the foundation of Christ alone. The issues go VERY DEEP to our understanding of who God is, our understanding of ourselves, getting rid of all our idols, dying to self, living in the Lordship of Christ, abiding in Him and being filled with His Spirit…. VERY, VERY deep issues. Check out this post It explains all the stages of this journey.

      It is definitely hardest to respect and honor our husbands’ leadership when we are sick, in pain, exhausted, have low blood sugar, are hormonal, etc… Yes. Allowing God’s Spirit to overpower the weakness of our flesh does not come naturally!

      I NEVER saw my sin either. NEVER. I didn’t think I was that big of a sinner. HA! It was a shock to find out that I am just as wretched of a sinner as any other human on the planet. How unbelievably prideful and arrogant of me to not even consider that I might play some part in the problems in our marriage. WOW!

      I believe we have all, men and women, swallowed such poison in the culture – not even realizing it. It takes time to purge the poison and replace it with God’s truth. Especially when there are almost no godly examples to follow around us.

      I am SO excited for you! I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you my precious sister in Christ!

      Please keep me informed!

  3. April, Thank you so very much for posting this. I can absolutely see/hear my husband in each response your husband gave. Here are some of the statements my husband has said since his major shut down, and I think back and remember these statements one by one as I pray and learn.
    “Haven’t you felt a strain between us for at least a year now?”
    “I just have no desires anymore”
    “I feel worthless”
    “Do you hate me”
    “You may not realize it but we would sometimes go for two months without making love…don’t you remember when told you I wasn’t asking anymore? ”
    “Every time we got in the car to go somewhere, you would call someone or be texting”
    “I hate that I’m hurting you do badly”
    “Why do you ask my opinion about something but then do the opposite (this was usually a do you like this dress or this other one. .I would invariably pick the one he didn’t pick)
    “I love you but I just don’t feel that butterflies in my stomach feeling when I touch you like I always have”
    “I can’t explain why i feel this way”

    There are more that I just can’t think of right now. I do remember him at one point a little over a year before he shut down, saying I watch way too much tv..we need to get rid of the tv and spend more one on one time together. He turned off cable and what did i do? I picked up my laptop every day after I got home from work! He was screaming “I need more intimacy and I was deaf! I have so many regrets I can’t even tell you! Then sit at our first marriage counseling session and state “your the one with the problem you speak first! ” Will he ever forgive me? I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t. And what is hard for me is I can’t sit with him and tell him all of the things that I have come to realize that I did and said that were a slap in his face because he won’t talk about it. .were just make everyday small talk!

    1. LTL,
      UGH!!!!!

      Wow – those statements your husband made just tear my soul!

      I wonder if I might be able to add those anonymously to the list of “Signs that Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected” post?

      Thankfully, I do believe he can forgive you – with God’s help.

      It took a long time, about 3.5 years into this journey for us before Greg was able to be so candid and honest. This takes some time. He has to see over a period of many months, sometimes years, that he is truly safe with you.

      But I know God is SO at work in you both. I can’t wait to see what He has in store!

  4. Thank Greg for opening up! This is the comment that punched for me, “I was looking for ways to limit the pain by going into a shell.”

    I experienced the same thing with Darrell, and years later when I asked him, his response was the same as Greg’s!

    What I find sad is that women associate ‘pain’ as abuse when it’s the pain of the wife – they feel completely justified to abandon their marriage. Woman yell about “equality” but this doesn’t seem equal in integrity at all.

    1. Robyn,

      No kidding – this was NOT equality. I was “in charge” by my own self-appointment. I demanded that Greg “submit to me” – not with those words, but that was what I expected. It was NOT AT ALL EQUAL. It breaks my heart to hear my husband say that he had no voice in our marriage, that his opinions meant nothing to me for a long time. And so sadly, he is right.

      I think if he had explained his pain to me, I would have seen my sin. But he never did.

      I had no idea he believed a “man doesn’t show pain.” UGH!

      Yes, his answers are so powerful – I know that many other husbands feel like he did. I feel like if only their wives can hear their voice and pain – they will wake up! Then they can see the real problem and begin to address it!

    2. Robyn, just had to second your point about the double standard on emotional abuse. In the many, many arguments my ex-wife and I had with each other, she would say things that were so vicious and such personal character attacks (frequently emasculating) that it would take my breath away. I often thought, and sometimes told her, that she would never tolerate similar types of attacks from me. In the divorce pleadings, guess who accused who of emotional abuse?

  5. You make a great point April; An angry man asking for respect is the same as a hurt wife asking to be loved.
    To me it seemed that when my husband was demanding to be respected he was always so angry and defensive. I didn’t get it. I think because he was vocalising his pain in a way that I thought was negative then he must be wrong and therefore not entitled to feel disrespected. I was blind to my own sin and transferred all blame to him and still expected him to love me anyway. I missed the point.
    Thank you for being so open Greg and April. My husband said different words but my disrespect had the same effect on his leadership.
    I’m still learning how to hear my husband, I think I still don’t get right. Hearing from you has been valuable.
    Bless you both for sharing
    Love Tam.

    1. Tam,
      I expected my husband to emote and express himself exactly like I did. I had no idea how different he was form me. I was totally blind to all of my sin, too. I blamed my husband 100% for our issues for so long. YUCK!

      You are very welcome. I can’t keep this to myself. I have to share with my sisters in Christ. I want to see God regenerate our hearts and minds and give us godly, healthy, vibrant marriages that bring great honor and glory to Him.

      It is going to take looking at the nasty icky stuff to get to that point. But it is SO worth it!

      I’m glad this is helping you. 🙂

      Much love!

  6. *jaw falls open and crashes into the keyboard*
    Oh.My.Gosh. April, I feel as if I could have written this entry myself – word.for.word. I got to Q&A # 3 and started bawling my eyes out. My husband said those exact same words to me. Not once. Not twice. Many times. Why he stayed when I was so cruel and disrespectful to him, I may never ever understand. And I’m okay with that…I am woman; he is man…we are NOT the same. Like you and Greg, my husband and I started out the same. He took the role of the leader and it was my responsibility to submit. I did at first, and was happy to do so – I was a naive young woman who knew nothing. He did a wonderful job of leading us (not so much spiritually, but in most other areas) and I remember being happy. Then everything came crashing down around me, a few short years into our relationship, and I retreated into myself. My lonely, selfish self. A role reversal occurred and turned my life and our relationship completely upside down. A war raged in our relationship for the next 16 years and I was too consumed with fear, rejection, resentment, anger, pain, loneliness, and despair to recognize it. I began taking control of everything…EVERYTHING…because I didn’t have faith in any of his abilities (in the home, at work, in the garage, in the kitchen, in the yard, or in the bedroom). I couldn’t trust him to keep me safe anymore. When I sank into his arms and rested on his chest, I no longer felt security. I no longer felt safe. I no longer felt loved. I only felt anger, resentment, and fear. If I didn’t do it, it wasn’t going to get done or get done right. At the end of my rope and ready to bail – God reached out to me and told me enough was enough. And so, here I am! It’s been a long, hard road, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I never ever want to go back to the way it was… Thank You, God, for seeking me when I was so unwilling to seek You. Thank You, God, for loving me soooo much that You made it a point to save me and my marriage. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! …and thank you, April for again sharing your heart (and your hubby’s) and ministering to us who suffered for so long. You are a blessing to us all. In Christ, Karen.

    1. KarenE,

      Your comment brings tears to my eyes every time I read it!

      You are more than welcome. It is the least I can do – to share this precious information with my present and future sisters in Christ who need it!

      I am SO THANKFUL God has been working in your life. I LOVE what He is doing in you. I am thrilled about what is to come. 🙂

      I want to run into the dark prison cells where so many hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of my sisters in Christ sit afraid, alone, worried, stressed out and miserable. I want to bust open the door run in there and take them all by the hand and show them the way into God’s glorious freedom, light, peace, joy, purpose and abundant life!

      I can’t leave anyone behind. Not when God has blessed me like He has.

      How I pray that all who come behind us might find us faithful!

      Sending you a huge hug my friend!

      1. I so totally get it! Now that I’ve found peace and freedom, I too, want to grab my fellow sisters and shout from the top of the mountain that they, too, can be free in Christ! Hugging you right back!

  7. I’m actually working hard on my book today! Please pray for God to speak through me mightily!!!!

    But I took a break to check out the comments – and y’all have me in happy tears of joy! I can’t wait to respond to each of you individually later. How I wish I could hug all of your necks, cry with you, pray with you and assure you that this is the beginning of a new chapter. It is a painful road at first, YES. It is so VERY painful at first to see our sin. I don’t think that most of us as women have really ever had anyone show us our sin. I know I hadn’t until almost 5 years ago in Love and Respect. But this is the missing puzzle piece!

    I’m thrilled we can walk this long journey together. I’m so thankful that you don’t have to do it alone. We can support one another here. I didn’t have support. I didn’t have anyone to mentor me. I just had God, 30 books an insanely patient husband and many notebooks of journalling. But I prayed that God might use me to somehow put the dots closer together for those coming behind me so that you wouldn’t have to “reinvent the wheel” the way I felt like I was as I tried to learn and understand all of these things.

    You are each such a precious answer to many prayers! I thank God for you! 🙂

    1. April, I have to say that I truly believe that your book will be a changing point in a lot of women’s lives and marriages. Just reading your husband answers to those questions opened my eyes even more than they have already been opened, God revealed to me yet more things that I said and did everyday that I hadn’t even thought about…hence more pain in my heart :'( and the tough thing for me to believe about myself is that I was TOTALLY oblivious to my controlling hateful ways. When my husband first shut down and admitted to me that he had no feelings left I was floored. I thought we had the greatest relationship in the world. When he said to me “don’t you feel the strain between us?” I said “no! I really don’t” I was totally clueless until I started reading and researching because I could not figure out why my husband that I loved so much and thought he loved me so much didn’t feel the same way about me all of a sudden. that’s when I started learning about respect and realizing my controlling behavior Because he just couldn’t tell me!

      1. LTL,

        I feel like God is giving me clear direction about writing it. Please keep praying for me to have His wisdom!

        I agree – Greg had some EXTREMELY important things to share here – I wish every wife with a passive, emotionally distant husband could read this!

        Much love to you my friend!

  8. As I wait for my wife to shed the same attitude as your “former self,” April, I can see Greg’s response as familiar to me. I also began to see myself as “not getting it” over the years. And yes, there really is one answer in an argument. My wife tends to use “silent scripture” on me. Things that are not in the Bible about respecting the wife’s perspective. The perspective that, since my dad was abusive, therefore I don’t know enough about loving my own children. Unfortunately for my wife, I am the Bible scholar in the house. If I cannot remember the exact place of a scripture, I CAN find it in 5 minutes. I know revelation and I know the difference between a command of the Lord and a perspective or “truth.”

    If I was to point out disrespect to my wife from the bible, she would say that my actions were unloving and therefore a more serious sin. If I “demanded” to biblically lead the family, she would claim that an unloving husband (me) cannot lead in decisions about the kids, so the scripture on respecting husbands is therefore null and void.
    I actually wanted to call the kids to the table for 1 to 2 times per week to read the bible for 5 minutes! My wife said that I need to make it fun or else they wouldn’t want to do it. I said “it needed to be done anyway…5 minutes won’t hurt anybody.” She would not support me. On the few attempts, she kept telling me to hurry up because they needed to get to bed. Most of the few times she retreated to our room, she was checking on the lives of other people in our church on Facebook.
    I gave up. Needless to say, most of my kids were baptized.
    I am moving on. I cannot hold on to other people’s sin. In my wife’s case, I cannot get her to see my needs she wants me to feel more like a woman…you know, wanting that “loving feeling” as mentioned above. Her “managing me” is simply ignored. I maintain the house at my pace. I believe I am smart. I can do and lead without her telling me and I will do it as responsibly as I can.

  9. I swear reading this, it’s exactly me and my husband!!! I am you and he’s your husband, but 12 years of marriage! He finally snapped and told me how he felt and i feel HORRIBLE!!! I was so blind!!! We are trying to work things out now but he has a wall up and not letting me all the way in. He says he tried so long and now here I am wanting to change. I have changed myself and got closer to God, and he’s noticing. But he still has his guard up! How do I get him back completely??? He says he stopped caring for so long 🙁

    1. Angela H.,

      I sure wish your husband and my husband had told us how much we were hurting them MANY years earlier!

      But I am glad you see now and that you want to change. How long ago was it that he told you?

      He will have his guard up for awhile, yes. Here is a post about how husbands sometimes respond at this point.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      Here is a post that has some basics for wives and many links to other helpful posts.

      Much love to you and the BIGGEST hug!

      1. Thanks for the reply! It’s been about 2 months and I’m miserable! He has his good days where he’s good and bad days when his wall is up 🙁
        My faith was non existent before due to trauma I had (miscarriages and I dealt with them alone he’s military) but after this all happened 2 months ago I asked God to forgive me! I’ve been praying everyday now!! Thanks for your advice! Keep it coming! 🙂

        1. Angela,

          I pray you will continue to focus on your walk with Christ and on becoming the wife and woman God calls you to be. Let’s trust God to reach your husband in His timing.

          There is often a very long time in the beginning of this journey where a husband keeps his wall up. But God can and does use that time to refine a wife’s faith and to purify her motives and to strengthen her walk with Christ.

          Please let me know how you are doing and how we might pray for you. 🙂

  10. I love my husband and want to respect him. What do I do to respect my husband if I married him, he is the custodial parent of two children, he doesn’t work and I have been supporting the family, they all live in my house and I am responsible for those children’s daily care when I am out of work and he is watching tv or videos at phone, he had money and lied at me and spent it in guns and I have told him so many times to look for a better job or help at home at least that I am working being the provider, I accepted that this may be my mission or call from God to help these children but lately all is just a big burden I dont think is ok.

    What can I do if I have talked to him about what is needed and he gets upset when I touch the subject, When I am all good and provide and don’t say a word he is fine, but when I tell him about what is needed or I need support he says he doesnt know, or hang up the phone or walks out the room. We started counseling, the counselor told him to look for a job but then I take the same problem home. I dont know what to do.

    1. Carol,

      That sounds very painful and frustrating, my precious sister. 🙁

      First, I want to check for any really serious issues, if that is okay, before we hash through some of these things…

      Are either of you dealing with any active addictions, illegal activity, uncontrolled mental health issues, violence, unrepentant infidelity, etc?

      Do you know why he is buying guns? Do you believe that you and other people are safe? Do you believe he is mentally and emotionally stable?

      If there are super serious issues like these kinds of things going on, I would strongly urge you to continue seeing a trusted counselor, even by yourself if necessary. What does he say about looking for a job? Is he willing to go back to counseling?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      Much love!

    2. Carol,

      Your last comment is on the old site and hasn’t transferred to the new one, but I have saved it on my email and hope to get to address it after work tomorrow. I haven’t forgotten about you! Thank you for your patience with all of the technological issues today. 🙂

      Much love to you!

      1. Carol,

        Would you agree that there is maybe a bit of a mother/son dynamic with you and your husband?

        What was your relationship like before you got married? What made you decide to marry him? What did he love about you? 🙂

        What do you believe you need to be content in life?

        What are your greatest fears?

        What does your husband plan to do with the guns?

        What was his parents’ marriage like?

        What was your parents’ marriage like?

        Much love to you! I am praying for God’s healing and wisdom for you both!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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