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“Why is the TV More Important to My Husband than I am?????”

From a precious wife and sister in Christ:
Dear April,
I just read today’s blog on (not) pursuing your husband and I never really thought of it that way.

That was me.

I remember standing in front of the television, more than once, demanding that my husband spend time with me and the kids.
  • I begged the Lord to blow the tv up
  • I was tempted more than once to cut the cords on the roof.
  • I would beg him to love me and get mad when he didn’t.
  • I would even cry on his shoulder while he watched the ball game….and ask if he still loved me and why the game was more important to him than me.

He would tell me, “You can’t demand my time when and if you want it.”

I thought he was being soooo selfish and prideful.  I never thought I was being disrespectful with my words…it seemed to me just a normal request and I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t give in to my common sense demands and he was the one that had to be so controlling.  It seemed to go in a cycle for me..  I would do really well for a week or two giving him over to the Lord, and then bang I would just have to say something… If I didn’t, who would?  Then we would go through the cycle all over again.

He looked at it as an attack on his character, I looked at it as a lack of love.  

I spent many hours and days in prayer begging God to wake my husband up to his responsibilities…. not really seeing the sin in my own life.  I had great expectations of how our marriage was suppose to be, I couldn’t understand why my husband would choose to live in a cave and not come out and be a part of my life.  Wow, if I would have know this then…I wonder how things would have been different.  I really thought he was the one in the wrong…...

If he was just more loving I would be happy.

The only way I could keep my heart from hurting again was to harden it and act like I didn’t care…..I think I was just plain exhausted:
  • trying to make him love me
  • trying to be his Holy Spirit
  • trying to make him into the “perfect husband”

I just gave up trying.   It didn’t work anyway, so why bother?  I think that was a good thing and a bad thing….good I wasn’t disrespecting him with my words anymore, but bad because I wasn’t doing any good either.  With this kind of relationship we were really like roommates, not really connecting on any kind of level.

So now is the hard part….undoing all the damage that had been done over the years, showing him love, admiration, respect, and rebuilding his trust and his confidence as a man.

I have been slowly giving him room to lead and sharing with him how truly much I appreciate and love him.

It had been a long time since I have asked him to spend time with me….as I said, I was just tired of feeling rejected and not knowing why he had withdrawn from me was driving me crazy. But now seeing the real reason, I am being more careful as to how and when I ask.
Just an example of how God is working, my husband was sitting in his easy chair the other night, so

I sat down next to him on the couch I said, “Hi, Hon, it looks like you had a hard day at work, can I rub your shoulders or get you anything to drink?”  

Simple I know, but he actually got up took me by the hand and walked me into the bedroom.  Hmmm…  I didn’t realize we would have to go that far 🙂 but I was thankful that he chose to sacrifice his time for me.  Although, I really didn’t do it for that reason, I did it because I just wanted to bless him as you mentioned in an earlier email.  Time together was just frosting on that cake you mentioned:)
I know it is a long road ahead….it’s hard to change old habits, but I thank you for the way that you minister to my heart.  I read your blogs daily and am learning so much.
The Lord continue to bless you richly for His honor and glory,



I could have written the part about the tv at the top.  ALMOST EVERY WORD.

Greg and I read this together and laughed so hard because THAT WAS ME!  THAT WAS WHAT I USED TO DO!

  • I used to beg Greg to turn off the tv.
  • I prayed for God to break all the tvs.  Seriously.
  • I thought TV and football were idols for my husband.
  • I thought if I could throw the TVs (and later the computer) out the window, that my husband would love me again and want to be with me like he used to!
  • I would cry because the TV was “more important to him than I was.”
  • Then I would stomp off to another room and cry even more… and then I would be even more disgusted with my “unloving” husband for not coming in to check on me.  MORE EVIDENCE that I didn’t matter to him whatsoever, right?

I had no idea it was my disrespect and controlling, smothering, angry, critical, condemning, self-righteous, negative, complaining, arguing attitude that repelled him.   It kind of blows my mind now that I couldn’t see this for so long, but…

The real problem in my marriage, was not the TV, it was ME!?!??!!?!?!  YIKES!

Before I got married, I was always with my twin sister, or with our college roommates – who were girls, of course.  We would sit and talk and talk and bond for hours every day.  I thought when Greg and I got married that once we were both home from work, we would be talking face to face and connecting from supper time until time to turn out the light every night.  You know,  for 5-6 hours every day, I figured we would talk and connect.  Why on earth wouldn’t we do that if we could?

Guess what?

My expectations and my husband’s expectations were NOT THE SAME!

Men don’t tend to bond by talking and emotional connection the way women often do.  They bond more by doing things shoulder to shoulder – often without talking.  In fact, sometimes, it is possible for them to get a bit overloaded with too much talking.

Kind of shocking, isn’t it?

AND – in His Brain, Her Brain by Dr. Walt Larimore MD, the author (a Christian neurologist) talks about how different men’s brains are from women’s and how they need a few hours per day to just relax and recharge.  Our brains are not like that.  But this helps them prepare for another long day of work ahead.  They are not made to go full speed all the time.  They need to rest some.  Honestly, we could probably benefit from a bit of rest, too. 🙂

It’s really important to figure out that MEN ARE NOT WOMEN!!!!  THEY ARE VERY, VERY DIFFERENT from us.  They are not wrong.  They are just different.  That has to be ok!


We wouldn’t have a TV in our house.  I don’t turn the TV on when I am home by myself.

But, now, I trust that if God wants us not to have a TV or wants Greg not to watch so much TV – He is able to work on my husband’s heart.  That is the job of the Holy Spirit.  I can ask for what I want (usually once), then I trust that God is perfectly capable of speaking to my husband and working in his heart without my “help.”

I have my own obedience to God and my own capturing-every-thought-for-Christ, and listening to His voice about MY attitudes/motives/behaviors to do that keeps me plenty busy.


When I first saw my sin – my disrespect, my control, my idolatry, my pride, my self-righteousness, my selfishness, my neediness (see my About page)… I withdrew from everyone (after repenting to Greg and all of the adults in our extended family for my disrespect and control towards them) for awhile and poured myself into repenting before God and seeking Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength and spent hours every day reading, studying and trying to understand God’s design for femininity, for marriage, for masculinity and what it meant to respect and submit.

  • I would often quietly sit beside Greg and read.  Lots of times, I would have to leave the room to cry about what God was revealing to me.  But I would sit, take notes, highlight, read and re-read – I was DETERMINED to learn what God wanted me to learn.  I wanted my husband to feel like “the most respected husband on the planet”!

I didn’t have a godly mentor.  I didn’t have a spiritually mature, godly wife to help me and explain things to me.  If you do have some support system like that – a godly wife who understands these things and can meet with you once a week or so, that would be amazing!

  • It was just God, me, the Bible and about 30 books in 2.5 years.  It was kind of like I was studying to get a college degree in godly femininity and being a godly wife.

When I felt lonely, I would read books like For Women Only (Shaunti Feldhahn) and His Brain, Her Brain (Dr Walt Larimore MD) and try to learn about God’s design for masculinity.  It made me feel so much closer to Greg to be able to begin to understand men’s perspective on life.

At first, I was really quiet.  (The Frustrating Quiet Phase)  That was the first step toward learning discretion and wisdom.  Stop saying the foolish, disrespectful, sinful things.  Eventually, I began to be able to add saying positive things, encouragement, genuine praise… and I began to understand how to use my words to build up my husband and give life to him, instead of using my words to destroy.  It was like learning a new language!  It was very awkward and foreign feeling for a long time.

I personally, also did something that probably seems radical today.  You can read about it on this post if you want to.  It helped me SO much.


If I want time with Greg, I will…

  • sit by him on the bed (or join him while he works on a  project)  while he watches TV in a CHEERFUL, PLEASANT way.  I don’t pressure him to talk.  I enjoy being beside him.  Lots of times, he will play with my hair while I sit beside him.  I savor those moments.  It’s my favorite time of the day!  I just show up, join him in what he is doing and appreciate him being with me.  I know that this is seriously awesome bonding time for him – that helps make me feel like it is bonding time for me, too.
  • offer to get him a drink or snack.
  • say, “Honey, I would love it if you could hold me for about 10 minutes and just listen to me for a little while whenever it’s a good time for you.  Thanks!”
  • if I want to talk with him as I sit beside him, I will say in a friendly voice with a smile, “Hey, Honey, would this be a good time for me to talk with you?”
  • walk through the room where he is and give him a hug and a kiss with a big smile, then continue on doing my chores or whatever it is I am doing.
  • just go lay down beside him and cuddle with him.  I’m always welcome now. 🙂
  • really, at this point, I can have a deep talk with him about things almost any time.  All I have to do is ask respectfully.  We talk for a long time now, almost every night.  Yes, the TV is usually on.  But we are able to have really deep, amazing discussions together and I LOVE IT!
  • sometimes, Greg will actually turn off the TV himself and give me all of his attention now.
  • sometimes, I will ask if there is a time where we could turn off the TV and just enjoy each other for awhile – and Greg is almost always fine with that, now!

Sometimes – he actually pursues me now!

  • When he does, I enjoy it!
  • When he doesn’t, I’m fine.  God has taught me to be able to be gracious when I get a lot of attention and also when I don’t.  Totally a God thing.

He comes looking for me many times if I am not in bed by 10:00 and asks,

“Are you about done?  I want to spend some time with you!”   WOW!

This is the same man who used to shut down and totally ignore me when I was acting controlling, disrespectful, clingy, needy and demanding!

Sometimes, he literally sweeps me off my feet and carries me to the bedroom.  Yes.  Really.

That NEVER EVER happened when I was smothering him and demanding attention and affection.

The key is – I do what I do to please and honor God – not to change my husband or get certain “results.”  I leave my husband to God, and I focus on Christ and my relationship with Him.


Stop Pursuing Him in the Wrong Ways  Youtube video

Why Men Sometimes Need Space Youtube video (6 minutes)

If I am Right, but Don’t Have Love and Respect, then I am Wrong in All the Ways that Matter Most

Praying for Your Husband so that God Will Hear

How Men Process Emotions

A Husband Answers My Questions about Emotions

More Men’s Emotions

How Do Men Think?

29 thoughts on ““Why is the TV More Important to My Husband than I am?????”

  1. Dear PeacefulWife,

    I don’t know if this is the place to write this. I’ve been looking on your blog for “I am angry with my husband” or “unfair husband”, but can’t find anything…

    Last month, I was invited to a birthday party. My husband told me, not to stay more than 2 hours. I was so ashamed as I was leaving my friend’s house. I told her I must go home, but she thought it was strange. Is it you husband, she asked? I said no, but I am not a good liar. She said she doesn’t believe me, but will let me go.

    Later, she asked if I was being abused or controlled at home. I told her no. I sincerely don’t think I am being controlled. Mister said that because he couldn’t be there, he didn’t want me to stay late.

    Well, well, well… guess what! Last week, one of his friends told me if I was coming a birthday party. I looked surprise at my Mister. This was just before church. That morning, church service was a misery for me.
    I read on your blog, that you speak once to your husband and then leave it to God. I am trying that. It is hard, because I am sure he needs several reminders…

    But, I am working hard on speaking only once.
    After church, I tried my best to speak with respect and in facts. I said, “how come you ask for a 2 week notice when I want to go out, but you don’t do the same? And are you going to stay to your friend’s house only 2 hours, as you ask me to?”

    He said he was going to tell me, but he forgot. He also said that because his friend lives far away, he “has” to wait to get a lift home, unlike me, since I can walk, I shouldn’t stay late in one’s house, especially if he isn’t there. I told him I think this is not fair. He can take a cab and leave early. Quite frankly, I don’t mind that he goes to his friend’s house. I don’t know why he care when it comes to me. I think it is good for him to do other things besides work and have fun away from me and come back later. I just think he is being unfair in this.

    So, yesterday was the bday party. I didn’t say anything. A few times during the day, he said : I will just stay there 2 hours, maybe 3. I didn’t say anything back. I know how hard it is to leave a bday party. Anyhow, Mister His Highness got home a little before 2 am, to use his words. He stayed many hours at his friend’s house.


    I don’t know what to do. I think it is useless to speak to him. The Bible says not to stay angry, but I am angry and finally, I keep think of Exodus 14:14, God will fight for you and you shall hold your peace. Or another scripture that says to win your husband without words.

    Now, I know that he knows that something is wrong. He can’t be that crazy. He knows he was unfair. Yesterday, he told me many times, he would only stay 2-3 hours at his friend’s house.

    Now, what about restitution.

    I just feel stuck.

    I am super angry. And of course, he is acting like nothing happened. He says: oh, my, I had to wait so long to get a lift… Of course, he won’t say he had a lot of fun.

    Somehow, I believe he understand he wasn’t fair with me. I know for a fact he won’t come to me and say it. He is not big with stuff like “I recognized I have hurt your feelings”. He doesn’t say these things. But when he does hurt my feelings, he becomes “really” nice to me. I usually accept his kindness as a “I don’t know how to apologize, so I am being nice. Can you forgive me?”
    And I usually forgive him.

    I truly want to leave this to God. I think God can explain Himself better to hubby then me.

    How do I get rid of all this anger? What will happen next time I want to go out with my friends?

    I hate what is UNFAIR with a passion. Why do I have to go through this?

    1. PS,

      It is totally fine to say, “It would mean a lot to me if you would come home before midnight. I know that may not have been possible. But I really missed you! I love it when we are together when it’s time to go to bed.”

      Or, even, “It makes me sad when you are gone so late. I wish you would come home sooner if you can next time, please.”

      Praying for God’s wisdom for you.

      Sending you a huge hug, my friend!

    2. Dear PeacefulWife,

      Thank you for your response. I did feel a bit ashamed. Indeed, I wrote my message before church Sunday morning, and during church service, the preaching was about the rapture and living a holy life. Wow, did I feel that a bday party issue was a small issue 🙁

      Well, I think my husband has to learn to trust me because in the past he was in relationships with no trust. As for myself, I truly totally trust him. Sometimes he says: look on my computer and see if there is anything that is not right. I tell him I will not look, I that I trust him. But I find it interesting that he would offer me to look.

      Anyhow, I did leave the bday party early as I wanted to be obedient, but I guess I became resentful in doing so. I don’t think there was going to be something bad that would happen there. But like you said somewhere, sometimes God uses our husband to speak to us. So, I will take this as a personal test to see how my heart is towards trusting God and trusting God through my husband.

      Thank you so much and may God bless you.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story this is great to know that their is lot if woman out here going through this and god is able to change them prays god.. This story was so me i use to do the same thing I hated the tv because I want him to spend time with me ,lonely I complain about any thing I thought I needed him to make me happy. The more I complain the further he push away from me..but thank god I found myself if want I know now I knew back then It would have been differed.april I watch your video on YouTube and take note thank you my beautiful friend you’re a blessing:)….

      1. April, I think you should do that poll! We definitely used to have the television issue, followed by the computer issue……and the root of my dislike of electronic devices probably comes from my own prideful and controlling nature. I used to be convinced of my own moral superiority, that my preferences for reading books/ working on projects made me in some way a better person! At my worst, and I am ashamed to say this, I have ranted about throwing electronic devices out of the window….this did not help my case in spreading the Christian message through my family, it just made me look slightly unhinged and very ungracious. Now I relax about it, I even ask my husband about some of the historical research he does online, instead of dismissing it as an “indulgence”. I think that was and is my worst sin in this matter, was so disrespectful of his interests and his need as an introvert to unwind after a long day at work interacting with other people. Ugh! The more I dig I to it, the more I see how wrong I was! I do thank you so much for your blog, it has opened my eyes to so many things!

        1. Susannahc61,

          I definitely thought I was the “better person” and more “spiritually mature” too for a long time. 🙁 That did not help my marriage or my fellowship with Christ at all!

          I’m thankful God is using this blog in your life. That is a huge answer to prayer for me. 🙂 Thanks for the comment!

  3. God is so awesome! For a couple of weeks (on going, actually for about two years now), I’ve been seething in resentment towards my husband and his computer (he uses his computer to watch horror movies, night after night after night). I’ve been praying, silently, that God would intervene and fix him or fix “this”. Oops…instead, God revealed my sin! I’ve been crying and praying all morning. Thanks again for such a timely blog entry! 🙂 I’m looking forward to seeing God work in our marriage, again! Blessings, Karen.

    1. karenE,

      I can’t blame you for hating horror movies! I can’t watch those!!!!!!

      I am praying with you for God’s glory in your life and your marriage. There is so much more power in focusing on us and God than when we focus on what we want our men to change.

      God is able to speak to him in ways you never could! I am so glad you are listening today! Sending you a huge hug! Please let me know how you are doing!

  4. When my husband goes through periods of late night tv watching its usually cause he is stressed and cant sleep so Ive learned now to not take it personally and let him have his private time to relax,think,recharge ect. I dont have sex with him when he does this because I dont enjoy sex when I dont feel emotional intimacy with him. He said he can understand that,its a woman thing. I told him Im not being spiteful by refuseing, my body just doesnt cooperate or respond to him without emotional intimacy so he understands. Like I said in another post, Ive come to realize I am needy of attention and so in order to help get over my husband as an idol I bought myself a large adorable furry soft Teddy Bear that I hold tight at night. I cant sleep well without it. My old friend is what I named him. Hes so cute and doesnt mind when I sleep on his head and smush him and he never moves around and wakes me up when Im squeezing him. My counselor suggested it and boy is she smart. I sleep great with him. My husband is getting jealous but hey, hes too busy for me so I respect that and do what I gotta do to take care of my needs. Funny that a teddy bear would work so well. Makes me want to give everyone a teddy.

      1. April,
        WHenever I see a nice teddy bear at the thrift store (in new condition) or I see a real cute one on sale I want to buy it. I have this desire to get it but I dont and even now Im thinking about a couple I passed up and want to go get them. $4 each.I think your right. Maybe this is a calling. Teddy Bears are such an incredible comfort. . Instead of avoiding this like its a silly idea, Im going to ask God what he is trying to tell me. WHat does he want me to do about this. I would enjoy it immensely. Thanks for pointing that out.

      2. Hi… I am not sure where to comment on the above article about the tv watching husband. Let me do it here. It is so beautiful. Oh my! God Himself incarnate,speaking to me,setting me free. I agree. I know it is true. Oh how wonderful it is to be free and love and give. It is so wonderful to be like God. To do things like God does. I was searching for an answer to this because I felt I was starting to become anxious over the tv thing. I have not really said much but in my heart. I was starting to lose my joy and like you know,it just gets worse. One must keep in the giving mode. Once self sets in. It was feeling like oh my why do I have to struggle so hard. I enjoy and desire to live freely,to give him joyfully and freely inspite of him and his actions. Well let me not say much but many thanks and many thanks. You have made my day. I am alive now. I am strong now to go study and work and above all, love my man of God. Thank you. Thank you thank you for bringing God to me. Ps know I totally agree with what you teach about being submissive and all. it is the truth of God’s heart.With love and a heart full of praise to God, a beautiful and glorious woman all the way from Uganda

  5. Elizabeth,

    You are completely free to respectfully share your desires and needs and to invite your husband to join you on a walk or doing something. I do that! And Greg often comes with me. I used to try to force him to do things with me – that did not go well. But now that he feels respected and safe with me, he loves to do things that I like to do many times. But I can also allow him the freedom to make his own choice and not flip out if he doesn’t always do what I want to do. I can extend grace and give him freedom to make his own choices.

    Does that make sense? 🙂

    Thanks for the great comment! 🙂

    Much love,

  6. I will be the first one to agree a woman needs to respect and honor her husband. And praying for him and having an intimate and close relationship is part of a wonderful marriage. But when a husband begins to separate himself emotionally and physically by losing himself in television for hours on end there is an issue, and it’s not the wife’s. I am sorry, but you can become as sweet and loving and generous with your compliments and back rubs as you want, and as you stated in your article he might, or occasionally, takes you into the bedroom. That borders on manipulation. And walking on eggshells and not facing the true issue at hand. Which is he has a problem with interaction, intimacy, knowing or caring what his role is as a husband or father, and understanding priorities. We women who have been at home mothers are constantly laughed at mind you jokingly, as sitting and eating bon bons and watching soap operas all day. If that truly were the case and for some of us sometimes that is we usually have an issue we’re dealing with or in some cases not dealing with. And we are checking out. And when we do, everything around us starts to fall apart including our marriage. Same thing goes for men. The television while a nice entertainment tool has destroyed more family time, distorted family values and eliminated what used to be time spent either with our children or doing something constructive. That honey do list whether it be for him or her doesn’t seem to get any shorter sitting and watching TV. you wanna needed what use to be time spent either with our children or doing something constructive. That honey do list whether it be for him or her doesn’t actually have to be about stuff that needs to be fixed or done around the home, it can be a date it can be a hand hold, it can be time spent with the kids. It’s just a shame it’s now turned into a list instead of something that just comes naturally.

    1. Kelly,

      Husbands do have their own issues. Any addiction – including a TV addiction – can certainly be sin.

      I would personally love to see TVs be turned off or even sold in just about all of our homes. I agree – TV has replaced things that should be much more important.

      I do believe in the power of prayer and in the power of a wife living wholeheartedly for Christ. We can’t make our husbands stop watching TV. We can’t force them to have proper priorities. But we can allow God to change us and we can be the women God calls us to be. We can seek to please Christ. And we can pray for God to work in our husband’s lives and to bring conviction – which only the Holy Spirit can do.

      Thanks for sharing!

  7. I found your blog tonight as I did a search about husbands who don’t want to do anything but sit around and watch TV. My husband is overall a very good man; he loves me and tries to make me happy, he works and is faithful. He is, however, an almost constant TV watcher and very, VERY slow about doing anything around the house. I work as many or more hours than he does and yet I do almost everything around the house. This makes me resentful and angry, and of course the things I say or the way I act about it don’t help matters improve.

    Forever it seems, I have struggled with why it always seems that the woman has to do everything to keep the home together and the husband just does what he feels like doing whenever he gets around to it. I still feel like this is the case, but I had never really acknowledged that my husband is “boss” and I am essentially the proverbial minion. Looking at things from that perspective, it stands to reason that it’s just what my position/rank is in the grand scheme of things, just like I rule over our dogs – under us is just where their place is and they accept it gracefully.

    I am a supervisor in my job, and all of my employees but one are men. I work in a male-dominated field and I have a strong, assertive, take charge personality. These things make submission difficult for me – submission just isn’t part of who I am except for submitting to Christ. I will do anything He wants. So through my anger and frustration tonight I found your blog and the Heavenly guidance therein instead of the article on ‘how to change my lazy, inconsiderate husband’ that I was seeking. I’m not going to say that I believe that I’m the whole problem in the situation, I still believe that he has responsibility here too, but how I look at it all is much different now, and that’s a gift. Thank you for your words; I truly believe God used them to speak to and guide me and I will be a better person because of it.

    God Bless –

    1. J,

      I can relate to your story, my sister!

      You know, husbands and wives are both accountable to God for every thought, word, motive, and action. Husbands will be accountable to God for the use of their time – including if they did not use their time wisely. Wives will also be accountable for our use of time and for our thoughts and motives.

      I don’t think of it as the husband is the “boss” as much as that God is the boss, the ultimate Master, and husbands are managers, or stewards – just like wives are. But husbands have a position of God-given authority for which they are accountable to God. Wives are not minions, thankfully! In God’s economy, whomever wants to be greatest is to be the servant of all – that includes those in authority. And those who are under authority are valued, cherished, and respected. Thankfully it is a very different thing from worldly authority. The post at the top of my home page Spiritual Authority might be helpful on this topic. 🙂

      Submission doesn’t really come naturally to most of us as humans. We want to do things our way. We like to be in charge. Dying to self is painful. And icky. Especially at first. But I praise God for your heart for submission to Christ! WOOHOO!

      No, you are certainly not the whole problem. But you are the only one you can change. Your husband absolutely has responsibility, too. It will be interesting to see what God is about to do in your life and in your marriage. Let me know how things are going!!!!

      Much love to you!

  8. Hi Peaceful Wife,

    It is refreshing and creepy to hear the commonality to my marriage. I’ll be brutally honest and say after reading this, I blantantly told God “I can’t do that, I won’t do that. I must find someone/thing else to love me.” My husband is a twin and it is the most painful part of our marriage. The day we got home from our honeymoon, the twin was right there and my husband left me to be with him. That day changed the last 7 years of my marriage. I knew that he cannot be one with me and remain one with his twin. It simply cannot work in God’s design for intimacy. It has taken lots of marital counseling for him to understand that and for to understand what a loss it is for him to “leave” his twin and allow me to take this place. While he made great strides there, my heart remained wounded from the rejection, the humiliation that I wasn’t enough and the loneliness that eats me alive. Just now, I am sitting alone in our bedroom crying as I bare my soul to everyone reading this. I did not hand over the rest of my life to feel like an accessory to someone else’s. I want a partner, I want the man I dated who made me feel like I was the only one in the world who mattered, who sought me out for affirmation and affection and love. He has become more of a dependent, someone I have to manage because he cannot do it himself. We are foster parents, have an orphan care ministry, have a toddler, and both work full time. I manage the home, the finances, a second bachelor’s, volunteer work, all fostering things like visits, paperwork and caseworker/court hearings. I do the taxes, remember all of the things he asks me too for him and essentially manage his life. I finally found enough courage to sit him down and physically show him all that I do…begged him for help and for some set time a couple times per week just for us. I even had him schedule set days to be with his twin so he can enjoy that relationship. It starts out well, then decreases, then dies. My heart simply cannot take one more ounce of rejection…I constantly feel such an overwhelming need to find my own companionship…something to make me feel part of something….but everything I try feels colorless without him. I can’t quite say that I will try what is in this blog, I am too afraid at this point of what could happen if I’m rejected again. I may try to see my counselor again….I am just running on fumes and have no reserves that are healthy to pull from.

    Thank you for listening and please keep me in your prayers.

    – SKM

    1. SKM,

      It is wonderful to meet you, my sister! 🙂

      I have an identical twin sister myself. So I am a bit familiar with twin dynamics and some of the ways twins interact and the issues that can arise in marriage when one spouse is a twin. Twins can very easily become “enmeshed” and that would certainly create major issues in marriage.

      I wish we all could have had counseling before marraige to discuss expectations because sometimes husbands and wives go into marriage with extremely different expectations that can lead to a lot of hurt feelings and division. 🙁

      Wow. It sounds like you have A LOT going on. i know for me, that would be way too much. I pray for God’s wisdom for you and your husband about how to best prioritize.

      There IS healing for you in Chrrist, my precious sister. Only God can fulfill any of us in the ways that we need to be fulfilled emotionally and spiritually. Even if your husband never changes, You can have more than enough in Jesus. I know that may not make a lot of sense right now, but if you are interested, I would be glad to point you to Him and walk beside you on this journey to be filled with the abundant Life of Christ. 🙂

      Much love!!

      If you are interested, please search my home page for the following:

      – how to make your husband an idol
      – closeness in marriage is different from what I expected
      – not too close, but not too far away
      – the separation-leads-to-greater-intimacy paradox
      – when you are feeling deprived
      – insecurity
      – security
      – the answer to all of your marriage problems

      1. Thank you….I am slowly gaining courage to browse through more of your blogs and I would like to present some of them to my husband to help give him the chance to say “Yes! That is exactly what I feel from you!”. I saw the peaceful husband site too and would be interested for him and I to maybe make a little study out of it. Thank you for being there…so funny you are a twin!! I hope I did not offend with my comments…it is very hard and even harder for twins to understand from our side how painful that relationship is. There has to be clear boundaries and understanding that our marriage is not shared with your twin…he cannot be touching or kissing you AND me then touch or kiss you. He cannot baby talk with you AND me baby talk with you. The fine line of intimacy is difficult in that relationship.


        1. SKM,

          You didn’t offend me at all – I am very aware of just how enmeshed twins can be and how difficult it is to navigate a twin relationship in a healthy way and how to find the balance between being close but not too close. There are unique challenges in a twin relationship that are unlike any other relationship, in my view. It is very easy for twins to develop a “conjoined” emotional relationship and to have difficulty with separating individuality and personal identity from the other twin.

          Our parents had us separated in school in 1st grade. I sat under the teacher’s desk and cried for 3 weeks because “no one from my family is in my class!” But I needed that separation to learn to be independent from my sister and to learn to think as “I” rather than always as “we.” If my parents had not purposely tried to give us separate identities and space, I know that we could have had a very difficult time later. We still had a very hard time negotiating being close enough but not too close. It has only been in the last year or so that the balance has been ideal. Many times we were either too close or too far apart. I thank God for the healing He has done in each of us individually and together. 🙂

          A wife or husband needs to know that the marriage comes before the twin relationship. Yes. Marriage is a covenant. Being a twin is not. There do need to be clear boundaries.

          The tricky thing for a wife in your situation – is that you don’t want to steamroll him to try to control or dominate him into creating a healthy marriage. That approach will backfire and make him retreat from you and toward his twin. He will then feel safer with his twin. What you will want to do is create a very safe, welcoming, respectful place for him with you. And it will be important that you understand that it will probably take some time for him to learn to detach from his brother. This is probably going to be a long process, not an instant thing.

          It will also be important to be sure that you are not enmeshed with your husband but that you are finding your primary security, peace, contentment, and identity in Christ. It is possible to put your husband on a pedestal and to expect him to meet needs that only God can meet. As you seek Christ first, then you will have the power and ability to be patient as God works in your husband.

          Have he and his brother ever been apart before you got married?

          Much love to you!

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