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The Respect Dare, Day 31 – “Watch Me!”

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Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.  Proverbs 21:9

YIKES!

I don’t think that any of us want to be labelled a “quarrelsome wife”  – but I have to admit that I sure was one at times in those first 15 years of our marriage.

I was quick to anger, quick to speak and slow to listen, unfortunately. 🙁

I was so task-oriented, that I didn’t just slow down and enjoy my husband or savor the journey.  Now I know, that is NOT at all how I want to live my one chance at life!

HOW MEN BOND

Do you know that men enjoy having peace in their lives?  Sometimes quiet is just the thing they need to recharge their souls.   Men do not usually emotionally bond with words or by talking face-to-face like women tend to do.

One of the ways men like to bond most is to do “shoulder to shoulder” activities (Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only” and Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ “Love and Respect”).   They often like to bond just by being together doing stuff.

Try just sitting quietly in the same room or out in the garage or in the driveway a few feet away from your guy as he works on a project sometime this week.  Don’t try to initiate conversation.  Just enjoy being with him.  Get him something if he asks for it.  Or surprise him with a cold glass of tea and a snack.  Sit on a stool or in a chair and just savor being with him, enjoying watching him work.  Smile at him if he looks at you.  Know that you are feeding his soul and nourishing your marriage.

RESPECT DARE #31

1. What can you do to be more relationship focused and to enjoy your husband more?

2. Think about what your husband loves to do – maybe he has invited you to go and you have always turned him down.  Do something he enjoys with him this week if at all possible.  Fishing, basketball, watch him work on a project, help him with a project (if he suggests it), go with him to a game or race.

3. How can you show your husband that you are “his number one fan” as Nina Roesner suggests in The Respect Dare?

4. How are you doing with not being a nagging, quarrelsome, contentious wife?  What do you believe God would have you to do about this if you have room for improvement?

SHARE:

You are welcome to share your ideas of things to do with your husband, or how to show your husband you are on his team.   How do you plan to turn down the negativity, arguing, complaining, nagging, criticism and negativity.

22 thoughts on “The Respect Dare, Day 31 – “Watch Me!”

  1. i just thought of something! my hubby likes to sit & look at cars online. we need to sell his truck & get another vehicle within the next month or two. i am going to ask him if he wants to go together to a dealership & see the actual SUVs he’s been researching online. i do appreciate all the time & effort he’s been putting in, looking for the right vehicle for our family. maybe he would enjoy doing that together. 🙂

  2. I just want to say thank you for providing this blog overall and as a daily supplement to the Respect Dare book. This journey has truly opening my eyes and allowed me to see things differently. I have always yearned to be a respectful wife as I knew it was so important for my husband, I just didnt know how to put it into action. This journey has truly shown me how.

    To give you an update on how these past 31 days have affected my marriage: my husband recently told our counselor that things between us have been the best they have ever been. He feels so happy overall in our marriage. I feel it too!! The connection between us is so very strong right now, emotionally, spiritually and physically.

    This is huge b/c less than a year, my husband was considering leaving our marriage for someone else. This journey is working a miracle in my heart, my husbands heart and our marriage. I am sooo very thankful for this experience and love living in this wonderful, abundant peace. 🙂

    1. Jamie,

      WOW! This comment brings happy tears of joy to my eyes! This is why I am so thankful that God allows me to be a little part of what He is doing in women’s lives and marriages. What an encouragement you are to me! 🙂

      I am so excited about all that God has planned for you, your husband and your marriage. I hope that you will write down each little victory and cherish them always. It is good to have those reminders from the past when the valleys come.

      Please stay in touch and let me know how you are doing! 🙂

  3. Doesn’t it ever get to be to much? All of this is so overwhelming. Constantly trying to be perfect. Always have a smile, always be pleasant, always ask first, always [insert rule here].

    I’m probably just having a rough day, but sometimes it would be nice just to get to be a person instead of a “peaceful wife”.

    1. Lynn,
      Great question!!!!! I wrote a long response to you, and now I don’t see where it showed up. :(. I am praying for you! I am here if you need to talk. Aprilc@sc.rr.com

      But I wrote about this topic on my FB tonight, because I am SURE there are many women with this same issue, so here is my post:

      If you have been doing The Respect Dare or reading along with my blog the past 30+ days – some of you may be feeling a bit overwhelmed with how many things you see God may want you to change and your husband may want you to change.

      It is easy to turn this journey into a quest for “perfection” – but please do not do that!

      This is about a lifelong journey of becoming more like Christ. It is about learning to die to self – which is VERY PAINFUL. And it is about learning to submit totally to Christ as Lord. It is about pleasing Him and seeking Him above everything else.

      If you are feeling overwhelmed – here is my suggestion – TAKE A BREAK!

      Really! For a few days, or a week or several weeks – or however long you need.

      Thse challenges and dares are intense. If it takes you several days or a week or a few weeks to do one dare – that is ok! I would rather you really search the depths of each challenge than gloss over them and get nothing from it.

      So, if you are overloaded. Take a break. Ask God to show you 1-2 things to focus on for now. Or, if your husband is a believer and you have fairly good communication with him, ask him to tell you 3 things to prioritize and focus on first. And let the rest go for now.

      This is much like learning a new language. You cannot possibly be fluent in a new language in a few days or weeks.

      It takes time, study, prayer and practice. The most important thing is not what I say or what Nina Roesner says – but what God is saying to you and what your husband says.

      Give yourself grace. Slow it down if you need to.
      That is totally fine!

      Remember, I personally spent HOURS almost every day for 2 years praying and studying about 30 books and the Bible before I began to feel like I had any clue what I was doing with respect and biblical submission.

      Nina Roesner said it took her about 10 years to get to that point.

      This is a LONG journey. It is about Jesus. If you are exhausted, just sit at His feet. Praise Him. Listen and rest in His love.

      As you repent of every sin and His Spirit fills you, He will give you the power to be a godly wife in ways you cannot possibly begin to be on your own.

      Here is Nina Roesner’s post about the usual stages and cycles of this respect journey:

      http://peacefulwife.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=7939&action=edit#

    2. You are still very much a person! And this is a very difficult process and one that cannot be completed in a day… I have been on this journey for about 9 months and am nowhere near having it mastered and that is completely okay.

      I was just like you when I first started. I wanted to do all of this perfectly- now! And I felt overwhelmed… in fact, about 2 weeks into this, I was stressing myself out so much I thought I was fighting off anxiety attacks. But do you know who was putting pressure on me to master this? ME. Not God. Not my husband. I made this so hard on myself!

      My advice to you. Relax. Don’t try to eat this thousand tier cake in a day. Take a bite and nibble on it for awhile. It is okay if it takes a long time. You have no curfew. 🙂 As long as you are moving forward you are going in the right direction. 🙂 No matter how slowly…

      I am STILL learning and still very much a beginner in learning how to respect my husband. I have learned a LOT but I have a long was to go and I am okay with that. Relax and enjoy the journey…

      Your husband loved you before you began trying to be a better, more godly wife so he will certainly love you while you are in the process.

      Blessings to you.
      Alicia (another wife who has felt this way)

    3. One more thing, Lynn… if you want to chat more with me and talk about how you are feeling and how I felt, peacefulwife has my email address and will share it with you. Good luck, dear heart!

  4. Boy was I a quarrelsome wife. I didn’t think so of course. I just thought I was defending myself. At the moment I’m trying really hard to just listen and say ok whenever I can. It’s getting easier. It’s not so bad keeping quiet about my opinion on smaller things. Last week there was an issue where my son was being uncooperative with his dad. I wanted to step in and instruct them both but I just said one small sentence and bit my tongue. The two of them sorted out the problem on their own, quite respectfully and apologised. All without my stirring the pot. Go figure; they don’t need my nagging to do what is right.

    I think that Gods vision for me is not just to grit my teeth and watch what happens. When I do that it’s still using my own strength and not Spirit. But I’m trying to remember to turn my eyes back to Christ when this happens. That’s why I see the benefit of doing this Dare Journey a couple of times. This is a process. I’m not going to get it right first time. 40 days is not enough to unlearn a lifetime of putting my sinful nature first. But I believe that Christ is guiding us as we go and if we continue to turn our eyes back to him we will get there.

    We volunteer at the local library to play games with teenagers there. My husband is the leader and he really wants to do a Dr Who themed theatre sports event because that’s what the boys really love. I usually play a little but I’m not really involved in the preparation. I think he would really appreciate it if I made some props and helped write a storyline for the next event.

    It is really difficult to dredge up all my sin. Sometimes I too have felt overwhelmed by it wondering when it’s going to get easier. I pray about it. I don’t have the strength to change myself, it’s too hard. But the Holy Spirit is our constant companion and he can guide us towards the change God wants for our lives and marriages.

    Thank you April

    Much love
    Tam

    1. Tam,

      I can so relate! I never thought of myself as a quarrelsome wife – I just knew I was “always right”!

      I am REALLY proud of you and thankful for all that God is doing in you so that you were able to allow your husband the respect, freedom and trust to let him handle your son’s situation. That is awesome!

      You are right – gritting your teeth is not living by the Spirit. It may be the place you have to start – but God can take you way past that place, thankfully!!! 🙂

      I also agree, going through the dares several times is a great idea!

      I love your idea to help your man next week, that is awesome!

      The first few months of this can be overwhelming. If you need to stop and stay on one dare for a few days or a week or something, that is totally fine!

      Yes, God is able to make the changes as we allow Him access to those darkest corners of our hearts.

      Much love to you!

      1. I’m kind of relieved to find that for lots of you this is a long slow process, I only found April’s blog a few weeks ago and I have been reading it through in instalments and joining in with a few of the Love dares….and as long as I fix my thoughts on this being something I do to bring myself in alignment with Christ, I’m finding that I take babysteps in the right direction,but oh so quickly I find I can slip into self-righteous and controlling behaviour. Being English I have only seen snatches of Dr Phil, but something he said has always niggled away at me: “Would you rather be right or happy?” Now that is for me a big question, and for most of my life I would have had to have answered “right”. …but the older I get and the longer I am married it seems to me that actually happy is the right answerLOL.

        And I think it is hard because trying to live like this is counter to all the culture around me, my Mum is an atheist, there are no believers in my husband’s family, and my own church is a liberal Quaker one, I just don’t have any real life examples to follow, which is why I am so very grateful to have found Peaceful Wife’s blog!

        1. Susannahc61,
          Yes, motives are HUGE! As soon as you start feeling discontent or upset or disappointed – check your motives! Am I doing this to please God or to control or change my husband?

          I like Dr Phil’s line! I think God might change it to be, “Do you want to ‘feel like you are right’ or do you want to be holy and have my joy and peace?” 🙂

          You are very welcome here. I didn’t have real life examples – that is why this ministry is such a passion of mine. I am so thankful God is willing to use me to pour His love and truth into other women’s lives. 🙂

          Much love to you!

  5. what if my husband likes to drink? He never misses drinking in a week. It sure makes me upset but I am trying to learn to trust God. I am just wondering what to do in this circumstances, I dont drink. Usually, when his friends come Im trying to be helpful like serving them food, cleaning, etc. but deep inside i feel so dissapointed and tired.

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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