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A Wife Faces Her Fear of Betrayal

This is a series of portions of emails a wife sent to me recently and my responses.  She is very open to God working in her.  She is approaching Him with humility and faith.  I am in awe of what He is doing in her life!  A huge THANK YOU to her for sharing with us!  I am sure that many other wives relate to her struggle.  I pray that all of us might put all of our hope and faith in Christ and seek Him above everything else!  Each wife’s situation is unique.  Each marriage and circumstance is unique.  But our God is able to guide us, empower us and give us the wisdom we need to honor Him and to do what is right in His eyes no matter what our situation may be.  The key is that we keep our eyes squarely on Him and LISTEN to His Word and His Spirit.  I am NOT God. My words are not the gospel.  Please weigh everything I say aginst Scripture.  The most important thing is not what I say, but what God says and following His Spirit with a willing, obedient, humble heart. 🙂
My husband is leaving town for work for 3 days next week.  I saw on his phone it looked like he called a female friend there in that area whom I know nothing about, just that she’s very hot and single.  I TRUST MY HUSBAND – He is very friendly but I am still struggling a LOT.  My problem at the moment is dealing with fear of the betrayal which is my deepest fear along with abandonment.
I have decided not to double check his phone that I was correct about [them speaking] because that would be like spying.
At this point, you have stated your concerns. (She had told me that she voiced her issues with this situation – VERY STRONGLY. That is good and important!  I do not believe it is appropriate for a married person to meet with someone of the opposite sex alone.  That is a recipe for trouble.)
You cannot control him or force him to do what you want.  If you try – you will repel him.  (Here is a a post about Boundaries and Control)
He does have the ability to make horrible choices that would devastate you.  That is part of the risk of loving someone in marriage.  (This husband has not cheated on his wife in the past and has always been trustworthy.  If a husband has already broken a wife’s trust – please seek godly counsel ASAP!!!!!!)

Jesus is the PERFECT husband to us – and yet, we often choose to put others/other things ahead of Him and this grieves Him deeply. 

There is risk in marriage – or in love of any kind.  

There is risk of being hurt.

What I believe is important to focus on right now is Jesus – the perfect Husband.
When these doubts, worries and jealousy rise up – think about how much Jesus is hurt when you want to be with others instead of Him, or you put other people/things above Him in your heart.  He is a jealous God.  Identify with Him a bit and feel a fraction of His grief.  He is the only One worthy of our worship, devotion, sacrifice and dedication.  Let this pain lead you to Jesus and remind you how much He hurts and longs for you to be with Him.  Look at the suffering He endured because of His perfect love for us!
Then, set your faith totally in Him alone.  Let your trust be in Christ.  Put all the weight of your life and future on Him.  Jesus’ perfect love can cast out all fear.  Find  your acceptance, identity, strength, purpose and joy in Jesus – not in a mere man.

If you have His Spirit empowering you – He will guide you and be with you no matter what choices your husband makes.  

You may get hurt.  But you can know that Jesus is able and willing to use all things for your ultimate good to make you more like Christ and that He is going to use even the sin and mistakes of yourself and of others for His glory in your life.  So you can’t lose.  This is how you have peace in any circumstance!
Trust the promises of God. 
Now we will pray and see what our sovereign, mighty God might do.  I have seen Him intervene in similar situations and cause trips to be cancelled.  Or to bring conviction to a husband.  Or to cause illness.  There is no limit to what our God can do. 
We will pray that your husband will be sensitive to God’s voice.  He can hear God’s voice most clearly when he is not hearing your voice a lot.
In these next few days you are together:
  • Praise your husband for the good qualities he has. 
  • Thank him – with a smile – for being such a faithful, loyal, amazing, loving, wonderful man.
  • Make your last few days with him AWESOME!
  • Send him sexy texts or flirty texts a few times a day if he likes that.
  • Let him see that you know what an incredible catch he is and that you are glad to have him in your life.
What do you think?
Ok.  Yes, you are right I will do that.
I will pray and focus on Jesus. Everything good I have is thanks to Jesus.
Thank you so much,  this helps a lot I really appreciate you.
I know the real issue is likely in my head.   My husband is a very proud husband with good family values who prays with me if I ask him to.
I will focus on faith and my trust and my husband whom would not hurt me (and especially on Christ).
You know I really appreciate what you mentioned there about a relationship giving someone the ability to hurt you, yet that also adds to the value, beauty and blessing of it.
THANK YOU for your time and for helping me April.
You are more than welcome!

In Christ – you can be content in any circumstance.  If He allows it in His sovereignty – He will use it for good ultimately.

As you show trust in God and in your husband – it also inspires your husband to want to live up to your trust and expectations.
If you are needy and jealous – that can push him away from you.  
Ultimately – it is about your ability to trust in Jesus.

Love costs.  

Look what loving us cost Jesus.  Love is not about avoiding pain.  Love is about savoring the blessings more than being afraid of the pain.  Love in marriage is a little laboratory that teaches us to love God more.  These are tests.  God is grading how well you do.  Let His Spirit empower you to pass the test with flying colors.  
  • Be a blessing to your husband.  
  • Appreciate him.  
  • Admire him.
  • Honor him.  
  • Thank him for what he does well.
I personally vote to not bring up the hot blond again.  Bringing it up once was definitely necessary.  
Just be the most amazing, godly wife out of love and reverence for Christ that He desires you to be.
That is your job.  The rest is out of your hands since you have already voiced your very legitimate concerns.  


I wanted to update you.  I did it – I got through the weekend without bringing up my insecurity again!  It was hard sometimes!  I really had to pray.
But my silence gave me the chance to look harder at myself and the situation.  My fears of betrayal are causing me to want to know about every hot woman my husband interacts with and the entire interaction as well as the reason for it. That’s just not a good idea for my sanity.
Always with Jesus in mind, which was SO CALMING, as you said it would be, I gave (my husband) a ton of extra respect this weekend.  This was so much thanks to you as well.  You’re so clear in what you write.   I told him that I hold him above all others for my respect and importance in my life, we were intimate a few times, we were flirty.  But overall, the main giving came from him.  He was very reassuring, loving, he was extra touchy.  As you suggested, it WAS an AWESOME weekend in terms of our relationship.
It’s SO hard for me to know that he may have cared about seeing an old friend – not because I don’t like him to see friends, but because of how she looks.
Over the weekend he told me several times that he only needs me and is so lucky to have me. I feel that him saying all the sweet extras about being the only thing he needs, may have been because of my insecurity when I told him I didn’t want him meeting up with women I didn’t know about, but luckily he says similar things all the time 🙂   So I feel lucky in general, but actually extra lucky right now!
April, thanks again SO MUCH, for being there for me and for so many other women.  You are a blessing!!!
This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU for letting God do the hard work for you and for looking to Jesus instead of yourself or your husband or the situation.  This is the kind of peace God can give you every day!  And He will take care of you no matter what anyone else does – so you can’t lose.  God is in control.  He is sovereign.  No one can take you out of His loving, sovereign hands.  Nothing can separate you from His love.
You are more than a conqueror!
If this wife had become jealous, angry, resentful, demanding, negative, critical, controlling, bitter, suspicious or began spying on her husband – that weekend they had together would have left a VERY different taste in her husband’s mouth right as he was about to go out of town.  We are wise to give our men beautiful, joyful memories of us before they must leave for extended periods of time whenever possible!
Our power to attract our husbands is in our being the women God desires us to be.  That does not guarantee us that our husbands will be faithful to us.  We cannot control our men.  We can tell our husbands our concerns, our desires, our fears, our feelings and our perspective.  It is VERY IMPORTANT that we do that! But then we can be an oasis of trust (if our husbands have not broken that trust), respect, admiration, acceptance, fun, flirtiness and we can make the time we have with them very special.  A man with tons of awesome memories of his incredible wife is going out into the world much more prepared to successfully face temptation.  Hopefully, this husband will see the legitimacy of his wife’s concerns, realize what an amazing wife she is and how much he cares about her feelings and cancel any plans he had to meet this old friend or to communicate with her any more.
  • We are accountable to God for our behavior, our faith in Christ, our sin, our obedience to His Word, our being filled with God’s Spirit.
  • Our husbands are accountable to God for their behavior, their faith, their sin, their obedience to His Word, etc.
I pray that we might be the women God desires us to be and that we might bless our husbands greatly and bring them good, not harm, all the days of our lives.
If your husband is actively involved in an affair, or your marriage has been shaken by an affair – please talk to a godly, Christian pastor, counselor or strong godly mentoring wife.   I pray you will seek God’s help to be able to forgive so that your own relationship with God can be restored.  Trust will need to be rebuilt – that takes time.  He will need to re-earn your trust.  You may have to re-earn his trust, as well, depending on your situation.
There are times when separation may be necessary if there has been infidelity – always seeking to reconcile if at all possible in God’s power.  There are many times when God can and does heal marriages after affairs.  (“His Needs, Her Needs” is a great resource to prevent affairs and a good place to start to heal if you are struggling in your marriage because of infidelity.)  I pray that you might seek to honor God primarily in every thought, attitude, word and action and not make decisions without seeking God’s face first.  His Word gives us much wisdom to deal with very trying times in our marriages.
If the marriage must end in divorce – I pray that it will only be after every possible chance was given for the marriage to thrive and for God’s Spirit to be allowed to work for His glory.
I Corinthians 6,7
Romans 8-12
I Corinthians 13:4-8
I John
Philippians 2 and 4
I Peter 3
Ephesians 5
James 1

22 thoughts on “A Wife Faces Her Fear of Betrayal

    1. Anis,

      I would be glad to see him, give him a big welcome home, ask him about his trip – and be excited to hear all about what he did. I personally believe it may be wise to trust him unless he gives reason not to.

      If he talks about meeting the friend – she may want to ask him some questions in a calm way. If she believes what he did was inappropriate – I believe the most powerful thing she could do would be to show him sadness. To cry (if that is how she feels) and say, “That hurts me. I am so sad that you met with her.” And then maybe give him some space to think about it and process what he wants to do and what is right and to let God speak to him.

      If things got truly serious between him and the friend – I would advise her to seek godly counsel. She will also need to express that she wants to trust him, but that she cannot right now, but that he can re-earn her trust by doing X, Y, Z. It is important for her to say if things are not ok or to let him know if he sins against her. And it is important to let him know what he can do to make things right and re-establish her trust by being completely transparent.

      I am open to discussion about this idea!

  1. Peaceful wife,

    This post has hit very close to home. My husband went to school out of state in May and will be gone until November, and unfortunately he parted on bad terms. We are newlyweds (married last April) and after growing up in a fatherless home I am still learning how to shut my mouth when necessary and submit to him (it has proven to be much more difficult than I expected). He too is learning how to be a godly spouse which has caused me some frustration as well, however he has had a much more difficult time moving forward and working together as a team to get through this challenging time.

    My husband decided to take all of his anger and frustrations with him to school. Along with rarely speaking to me over the phone, he has been spending a lot of time with other women. I don’t think he will cheat on me but my heart just breaks knowing that he is upset with me and so far away. Deep down I know that him holding a grudge against me is wrong, but I still continue to apologize for all of my wrong-doings time and time again but he is still angry. I don’t know what to do! I feel as though he could care less about me or our marriage right now based on our lack of communication, and his time spent with other women (which I only know because of Facebook)

    I read what you told that other women, about making her husband feel important and respected and desired before he left town, but all of that is too late for me since we’re already 2,000 miles apart. I have suggested that I take a trip out to see him (I really want to remind him of how much I really love him, need him, and respect him) but he keeps turning me down.

    Please help! What do I do?


    1. Brooke,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂

      Can you please tell me why he is angry?

      I would love for you to read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission.

      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      Here is something about men – apologizing more and begging to see them can often repel them.

      What might actually be your most powerful move right now is to stop contacting him and wait for him to be ready to come back to you.

      If you have genuinely apologized for your disrespect – then just wait.

      Let him call/email you first.

      It would be much better if he was here and you could show him your respect without words – but that is not an option right now. Has he talked about coming back after school?

      Much love to you!

  2. I’ve been trying to mirror this behavior with my fiancé. I read the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Eggerichs. Very similar to what you are saying. Its okay for wives to confront concerns, but we can do so with respect. This sounds horrible, but I have never been in a relationship that didn’t involve infidelity (except for my current relationship). I struggle daily with insecurity and jealousy. My fiance hasn’t had many serious relationships. He practiced 10 years of abstinence until his gf before me. Early on, my fiance was close with a lot of women (including ex-girlfriends) and I couldn’t make him him understand why I found it in appropriate. He’s a godly man, but he thought that since the relationships were so long ago and he had no feelings for them, it was harmless. I saw it the exact opposite. In my opinion, if there was a spark once, its playing with fire. Early in the relationship he took a trip and stayed overnight at another woman’s house to avoid the cost of the hotel. He stayed at other male and married friend’s houses too during his two week trip. But when I discovered that he and this girl had dated briefly years before, I was extremely hurt and my trust was broken. He has asked for forgiveness and since then he has made signifiant efforts to be more mindful about things like this. He tries to be honest and open about anyone he is with and he has promised not to do anything like that again. But I am having the hardest time not being jealous or suspicious of innocent things. He is very patient with me and we pray about it together often. Please keep me in your prayers for healing. I’m never quite sure what to do when I feel suspicious. I’m just so afraid to get hurt again.

  3. I submitted to a husband who not only had been severely controlling and manipulative but 2days ago found out he has been unfaithful. Even when I asked him respectfully he continues to lie. Yes we have been separated for 8mths but that was because we were going to work things out. Thats what he wanted. Its been lies after lies and i still don’t even know the complete truth and never will. Im absolutely heart broken because the only option i see now is divorce because he has lied the entire marriage about so many things. I do believe respect and submitting is biblical and works but not for everyone. I feel like all that hard work to be more submissive was all in vain. If a man is honest and sincerely sorry then it can be worked out but with so much deceit and dishonesty there seems to be no hope. The double standards are hard to take, when he puts a heap of standards on you but then does whatever he wants.

    1. Megan,
      How my heart breaks for your pain!!!! I don’t know your relationship with Christ. But, we submit to our husbands out if our love and reverence for Him. However, if a husband is sinning like this and is unrepentant, that is not ok. I often encourage wives whose husbands are involved in infidelity to seek godly, wise, biblical counsel one on one with a trusted godly mentoring wife or pastor.

      There are times like this when separation can be necessary. Our respect and biblical submission may inspire our men to seek God more themselves. But our respect and biblical submission do not change our men. They still have free will and can choose to sin, even if their wives are living in the power of God and walking in obedience. You cannot change your husband. My prayer is that you might focus on your walk with Christ and that He may give you wisdom. I pray for God to open your husband’s eyes and bring him to true repentance. I pray God might restore your marriage in time. Our obedience to God is never in vain. He will reward us when we stand before Him if we are in Christ. 🙂

      Much love to you!

    2. Megan,

      You cannot change him – that is for sure. But God can. We will pray together that God might use this awful mess and pain for good and that He might bring something beautiful from the ashes. I wish no wife ever had to go through what you are going through. 🙁 Do you have a godly support system in your life?

      I would definitely have to see him truly repent and stop all of the sin – the cheating and the lying and anything else. And I would need to see him be completely transparent and willing to rebuild trust before attempting to reconcile.

      I am praying for you!

  4. Thankyou April for you reply. It means so much for me right now as now i don’t really have any godly support in my life right now. I had emailed you in the past about some of his control and issues and we did separate but i thought he was getting help for these things so i was waiting on God to see when or what i should do as far as reconcile. I had prayed and submitted to God during this time and just before i felt i was ready to ask him to come back i prayed for a few days and asked God if he could be trusted. I wasn’t thinking that he was being unfaithful (although i now see the signs i missed) but i was actually meaning could i trust he was working some of the damaging behaviors he had. God made something known to me and in one moment i realized that there was something else i wasnt aware of. Long story short he has tried to cover lies with lies and i don’t feel il ever really know. I don’t see evidence i true repentance at all. Just words but completely different actions. Heart is breaking right now. It feels like our whole relationship was based on me forgiving and forgiving. Don’t get me wrong i have sinned and needed forgiveness but the difference is the honesty and the repentance. I feel so unloved right now. He has tried to make me feel bad like how dare i ask questions about it. I do understand that i was submitting to God and i will continue to do so. I feel like i focused on what i needed to change with myself and left him in God’s hands only to find that i was being betrayed the whole time. It seems like he does not have a conscience with anything. How does he not get convicted of any sin? This is another question i am struggling with. I know we can all try to cover up sin but for how long? I feel so disrespected because i don’t even deserve the whole truth. I know there wasnt just one woman. Oh gosh im sorry for venting but i cannot process this in my own mind. It hurts so much! Please pray for me.

    1. Megan,
      It is ok to vent here. 🙂

      I am SO SO sorry about what you are going through. 🙁 how I wish I could wave a wand and make your husband a godly man who does what us right. I am very thankful that God did reveal this to you before you got back together. But I can’t imagine the pain in your heart.

      I am really excited about what God has been doing in you. I pray you will keep your eyes on Christ in this storm. There are so many others who read my blog in this same position. 🙁 I believe you will find love, prayers, encouragement and support here.

      I don’t know if your husband will truly change and repent. I pray a God will open his eyes and bring him to Himself. My greatest concern is his salvation. Maybe God will use this awful situation somehow to being your husband to Jesus. And, although I don’t know how, I know God is able to use even your husband’s sin to bring something ultimately good in your life and glory for Himself. That is my prayer.

      If your husband doesn’t get convicted of his sin and repent and turn to Christ, he will stand accountable for this and all of his sins before God and he will pay for his sin forever separated from God in torment. There will be justice. Either he will receive Christ and His payment for his sin and submit to Christ, or he will pay a heavy price himself. I don’t want that to happen!!!

      I am praying for God to draw you closer to Himself than ever and that you might find that He is the Greatest Treasure there is. And I am praying for God to wake up your husband and give him new life in Christ.

      Sending a big hug!!!

      1. I missed this comment! Thankyou for the virtual hug:) April you have such a BIG heart the way you help so many women through your blog. Yes i have doubted for a long time if my husband had actually ever given his life to Christ or just thought that growing up in a christian home automatically made him a christian. He often said he couldn’t hear from God. I had asked him a few questions about salvation and when he actually found Christ for himself. He was very vague about that but was always willing to go to church, talk about God and loved when i was growing. But i saw no evidence of a personal relationship with the Lord and i always wondered. He is a very self righteous man and full of pride (i know we all can be). So i do know that for him to admit even to himself that he does not have Jesus would be hard. Of course God can do anything. I will pray for his salvation. For a while now i have read the blogs and advice on how to be the wife of an unbeliever because it seemed more relevant to me even though my husband professes to be a christian. It does help me to think that God will bring something good out of all of this. Right now i want to believe that there is a purpose for this not just a huge mistake/misjudgement on my part:(

        1. Megan,

          Your husband is far from God. Does he have a relationship with Him? I don’t know. But I do know that someone who knows God cannot continue on in habitual sin. It is probably wise to assume he is not a believer and I think it is wise to read about being a godly wife to an unbelieving man.

          How is your relationship with Christ going?

          Much love to you!

        2. Megan,

          Thankfully, we serve a God who is so sovereign that He is able to use even the sins of others against us for His glory and our ultimate good. Your husband cannot take you out of the sovereign, loving hands of God. And he cannot thwart God’s good purposes in your life.

          I am praying for you both!

  5. The whole relationship and marriage he as suspicious and controlling, even while we were separated he threatened that i better not be on facebook! Yet he was doing all these things himself. I said to him that what really hurts is the hypocrisy all the time and he agreed that he was a hypocrite and a liar. Yet still wont come clean. We have a child which makes it even harder as far as moving on and divorce. I hate divorce! At the same time i cannot put my trust in this man:(

    1. Megan,
      Wow. How that must hurt!!!! 🙁

      I am glad he admitted to his sin.

      Don’t trust him until he proves he is trustworthy. Put all your trust, faith and hope in Jesus. He is able to heal you and give you His supernatural peace and joy in the midst of this storm.

    2. Megan,
      I suggest not thinking about divorce right now, or reconciliation, but just stay on your knees before God and seek Him and His wisdom, power and direction. Be still and wait in The Lord. You don’t have to rush into anything right now. Give yourself some time to think, pray and process things and see what God will do.

      1. Hi April,

        Yes he admitted he had been a hypocrite but not so much to the unfaithfulness. He had to confess to what i saw on his phone. Btw i didnt go through his phone but after we spoke i asked if he could show me his contacts. He was on his phone ALOT but always said it were guy friends. He accidentally sent me texts that were not for me. But the problem was i read about one lady and then i went to see more and he wasnt ok and so i yelled at him to stay back while i looked at the phone he said he wanted to leave with his phone! I gave it back but there proves there is so much more because of what i found out later. The story is more complex as to what i found out. The thing is during the separation i had no idea what to do so i waited on God. 8mth later when i felt i wanted to give him another chance and get back together i find out this. He is not repentant and i cannot mentally be blamed for everything all the time. It hurts to much. He was abusive, controlling and not unfaithful. I don’t know what i would be holding onto. I can’t bare to think it really is over and since he doesnt want a divorce ever i feel like its really hard to let go but at the same time he is sinning against me and yet making me feel like im in the wrong. I feel so unloved. He has abused my trust and respect over and over. I do understand what you are saying April that i shouldn’t make rash decisions right now until things settle down. At the same time i am tired of putting my whole life on hold hoping things will change. I feel ive wasted 8yrs of giving myself for what? He will be very aggressive if he finds out i do want a divorce now so i have to consider my safety also. It really would be a miracle if he confessed the truth but i honestly have not found that to be true with him. Prior to us he had cheated longterm on partners and i had believed him when he said he would never do it again because of the pain it caused. I should have known better.

        1. Megan,

          Goodness. 🙁 What an awful situation. I would love for you to seek some godly, wise, one-on-one counsel. Do you have a trusted pastor or Christian counselor you can speak to?

  6. When we met i was a fairly new christian of 2yrs and he had grown up in a christian home. Sadly his family have the mentality that it doesn’t matter too much what u do as long as the church friends don’t find out. I believed he was a christian and wanted to grow in God as i was very passionate at the time with my new found faith in Jesus. I have come to realize that he is the type of person who will give the right answers or tell people what they want to hear not what he really means. Even counselors have picked up on this. This makes it hard to know what he really truly thinks and feels.

  7. Hi April,
    I am not coping very well since finding out parts of the affairs, just having huge anxiety. I have seen a Dr and going to counseling but it isn’t christian counseling. My relationship with God has been up and down during the separation as i have been suffering a severe pelvic condition which has been such a struggle and i have to admit i have been upset with God at times and asked why is all of this happening to me? So yes it has been huge testing and trials and i have hoped in my heart that our marriage would be restored and trusting God for my health condition to improve. I will be honest here and say i am feeling like nothing. Worthless. Despite that i will continue to seek God. I have reacted very bad at times during this past week after finding out of the affairs as i was so frustrated that he continues to lie. But i know that is no excuse so i am begging God to help me respond in a Godly way. Unfortunately this man does not care at all of how i am coping or doing.

    1. Megan,

      Is it possible for you to find a godly Christian mentoring wife or godly Christian counselor?

      I am so sorry to hear about how much you are hurting physically, emotionally and spiritually. My prayer is for your healing first and for God to provide the resources you need to be able to draw near to Him and to cling to Him and to allow Him to heal you.

      Those feelings are from the enemy, not from God.

      If you have sinned, you can repent to God – and to your husband if necessary – and seek God with all your heart. Maybe you need a bit of time to pray and think and process things?

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