This is a comment I received from a husband on a post I did about Finding God’s Will. I think he is onto something really important. And he graciously allowed me to share his comments with you.
Reading your post turned a lightbulb on for me. I think I now actually have a much better understanding of a key element of my wife’s long-term disrespect for me. Here’s what I think I’ve realized:
Knowing the will of God and/or how to know the will of God was actually a big reason for my wife’s pervasive disrespect in my marriage.
We had both been raised to believe that in every decision, and especially in every “big” decision (college, career, spouse, church, house, etc.), there was one and only one choice that was God’s will. All other choices would put you permanently in “Plan B” (and the next time you missed the will of God, you’d be in Plan C, and so forth).
It wasn’t until I was in graduate school that I figured out, thanks to Dr. Garry Friesen’s book “Decision Making and the Will of God,” that this “specific will” view of decision making was not biblical. Instead, as you’ve described above,
God’s concern is that we seek to glorify Him and, with that motive, that we make the wisest decision we can, taking into account whatever the Bible says about the subject, all the facts we can learn, wise counsel, etc. Then — the best news — He will take care of us. We’re free to fail, in the sense of making a bad (i.e., unwise) decision, because God in His sovereignty and love will “work together for good” even those things.
And we’re free to change course when things don’t work out as expected (for example, bailing out of a start-up business that doesn’t catch on or even a career choice that isn’t working) without berating ourselves for “missing God’s will” in the matter. All of this assumes that the range of choices we’re considering are all within the moral will of God set out clearly in the Bible.
Unfortunately, my wife never understood this alternative (and more biblical) approach to decision-making. As a result, for the remaining 28 years of our marriage, she had to worry that because I was using the “wrong” approach to decision-making I was likely missing God’s will for myself and for her (and the kids) on a regular basis.
Under this reasoning, virtually every major decision — and certainly every decision where we didn’t agree — became a significant spiritual event in which I was leading the family astray. And, by definition, if I was missing God’s will in the matter, we were going to suffer the adverse consequences (Plan B, Plan C, etc.) and there was nothing God could do about it. His sovereignty and His love for us were handcuffed by my failure to discern His specific will. AND, because every decision was fraught with spiritual significance, she had a quasi-biblical basis for resisting my leadership. After all, even the strongest advocates of submission and respect acknowledge that the wife doesn’t have to allow herself to be led into sin.
I wonder if any of your readers are facing a similar thought process that has wives deceived into disrespecting their husbands while believing that they are actually abiding by their duty not to submit to sin?
FROM PEACEFULWIFE (my response)
I LOVE your lightbulb moment.
Many wives subscribe to the ideas that you are talking about. I used to think like that, too. I thought that if it was God’s will, for instance, for me to be a missionary to Africa/a stay-at-home-mom/a homeschooler or whatever – that if I submitted to my husband, and my husband wasn’t tuned in to God – I would completely miss God’s will for me and it would be all my husband’s fault. How selfish of me, I wasn’t even thinking in terms of God’s calling on my husband! Just me. Sadly.
So I was terrified to submit to my sinful husband at first because I thought God was too small to direct my husband. And I thought my husband’s faith was too weak for him to really follow God. I thought I was responsible for causing God’s will to happen and for knowing what God’s will was. I thought I could discern God’s will much better than my husband could. Never mind that God didn’t give me the position of spiritual authority and responsibility in the marriage. I knew I was better for the job and I was totally justified in taking over because my husband OBVIOUSLY wouldn’t/couldn’t lead.
I didn’t think my husband could hear God. And you know something? He was having a hard time hearing God’s voice. The reason? ME. My voice was SO loud and obnoxious – my voice drowned out God’s voice for my husband. I caused us to miss God’s will. Not my husband. (And yet – God has used even MY sin and mistakes and rebellion for His glory now! HOW AWESOME HE IS!)
That was my biggest struggle at the beginning of this journey – is God really big enough to lead me through my sinful husband?
I started out knowing that my answer SHOULD be “yes.” The God I knew should be big enough. But I didn’t feel like He was big enough. I couldn’t see how big He was and how small I was. The more I understood about God and how HUGE He is and the more I understood about how wretched and spiritually poverty stricken and sick I was – the more I realized how ludicrous my fears were.
The scary thing is NOT for me to trust God to lead me through my husband. The scary thing is for me to trust MYSELF to take charge and try to be in control of God and my husband.
I grossly misplaced my fear. I trusted myself and doubted God. That was so backwards. I am nothing and I know nothing beside the God of the universe. My pride was astronomical.
Yes, I thought if I trusted my husband, he wouldn’t lead and we would sit in spiritual stagnation for the rest of our lives. I was constantly trying to run ahead of my husband and trying to drag him towards God. My husband wouldn’t let me do it. I’m SO THANKFUL NOW! I hated to wait. I was extremely impatient. I got ideas in my head and ran with them at 100 mph, assuming my ideas were of God. They weren’t.
I didn’t understand that God was big enough to lead me through my husband. Turns out He IS PLENTY BIG ENOUGH. And, it turns out, that when I stopped all my disrespect and was quiet about things of God (like I Peter 3:1-2 commanded me to do if I really thought my husband was being disobedient to the Word) – my husband did begin to hear God’s voice and to lead. He hadn’t had a lot of experience, due to my taking over for 15 years. But he grew stronger and stronger in his faith and as a leader when I stepped out of the way and supported him. Now I know that my Lord is SO sovereign that He will change my husband’s heart and mind to conform to His will whether my husband is close to Him or not. Now I also know that God’s sovereignty is big enough to break my pride and humble me and open my blind eyes. I PRAISE AND THANK HIM FOR THAT EVERY DAY!
Now I know that when I trust God to lead me through my husband and I am obeying HIm, walking in faith and full of His Spirit, He will cause miracles to happen and He will take me to a much better place than I could ever have taken myself. Now I also know that if I fight my husband’s decisions, I am likely fighting God. So I don’t fight anymore. I share what I want and desire with my husband and God, and then I trust them to lead me. Even if it looks “wrong” to me. Even if I don’t like the direction. That is ok.
I know that God has infinitely more wisdom than I do now. So I trust Him. And I know that I CAN’T LOSE.
- If my husband sins – my God is big enough to use that for His glory.
- If my husband makes “mistakes” – my God is big enough to use that for His glory, too. And God will use it to discipline us, train us and prepare us for things we can’t begin to imagine. Even bankruptcy. Even financial struggles. Even big mistakes with family relationships or drama. There is NOTHING beyond the reach of God!!! Nothing is too difficult for Him. Nothing paralyzes Him. Nothing will stump Him and make Him scratch His head and decide that no good can come from that situation.
- If my husband follows God, God is glorified and we are filled with joy.
I have no fear anymore because God is working all things for my good and for His glory – and I know that I don’t know how to get there, only He does.
I also know that God can take the things that caused me the deepest pain and my own years of sin and rebellion and turn them inot something that brings glory to Him and draws others to Christ.
The keys that I was missing were God’s sovereignty, power and wisdom and my weakness, foolishness and smallness .
Something else stood out to me that you mentioned. You talked about your wife not wanting to follow you into sin. Wives – a husband leading us in the direction he believes is God’s will towards a certain job, a certain house, a certain church, specific decisions IS NOT SIN. If our husbands think differently from us or have a different idea of what God’s will is – THAT IS NOT SIN! We are to give them our perspective, share our feelings, and cooperate with their decisions – trusting God’s sovereignty.
Your husband leading you into sin is something like:
- He wants you to cheat on the taxes.
- He wants you to steal.
- He wants you to ignore his pornography addiction or worse, he wants you to participate with him or have a threesome or go to a strip club.
- He wants you to gossip.
- He wants you to lie.
- He wants you to commit idolatry with him.
- He wants you to do something illegal.
- He wants you to kill someone or have an abortion.
- He wants you to not forgive someone.
- He wants you to not pray or study your Bible.
- He wants you to go against God’s Word in a significant way (not just some minor little interpretational difference).
THEN – we need to respectfully but firmly resist our husbands.
But most of the time – they are NOT asking us to sin! Most of the time, they are TRYING to lead us, but we won’t follow. If your husband asks you to do one of the following, tell him your feelings and then please cooperate with him joyfully with your trust in God:
- tithe or not tithe according to his definition (not tithing is not a sin – not from what I can tell in scripture. But trying to force a man to give under compulsion is wrong according to the Bible. He has to be free to make this decision – with your input – but then he makes the call.
- take another job
- go to a church of his preference (unless it is a cult)
- not go to church on Wednesday nights because he wants the young children in bed on time (that is not sin! Please respect his priorities. Tell him what you want and then allow him to make the final call if you disagree)
- move to another town
- start a new business
- have you home with the family more
- start stricter discipline with the children
- follow a tighter budget
The vast majority of decisions will fall into this category – he will have to determine what he believes God’s will is on things that have no clear direction in the Bible. So he needs the freedom to be able to decide according what he believes God is calling him to do.
We label so many things our husbands do as SIN – and often, we are WRONG. We easily make ourselves judges of our husbands. We are in serious sin when we do this. Not only is our judging them sinful – but then we rebel against our husband’s authority or try to usurp our husbands’ authority and THAT is also sin on our own heads. It’s time for believing wives to repent and become the godly wives God desires us to be who will bring healing to our marriages and great glory to Christ and His gospel!
Thank you to this precious husband for sharing. I completely agree that the mindset you are describing contributes to great disrespect among wives for their husbands. I appreciate your wisdom and insights very much!