A Wife Responds Beautifully to Her Husband’s Bad Mood

enjoying a sunny afternoon
This is from the wife who decided to stop pursuing her husband and trying to make him show love to her the way she wanted him to.  She is the one who gave up on her dream for her marriage in August of this year.  She began this journey 12 months ago, but only REALLY began to understand stopping control and stopping all disrespect a month and a half or so ago.  Her husband is a believer in Christ.  There are no major issues in this marriage (no infidelity, drug addiction, mental health disorders, violence, etc…).
The other day, her husband had a REALLY awful day at work and rushed home to go out with his friends that night as he had planned.  He was very short with her when he got home.  She told him that she was hurt by the way he talked to her.  He tried to get her to argue with him.  She refused.  She said, “I am not arguing.  I just want you to know that I am hurt.”  When he continued to try to get her to engage in a fight and accused her of controlling him, she said, “You are free to leave.  I am not saying you must stay.  I don’t want you to leave with things like this between us. I just want you to know I feel hurt.”
He left.  
She emailed me a few times.  She asked me if things get worse before they get better sometimes.  I assured her that “Yes, sometimes that does happen!”  I have a post about that issue linked at the bottom.  I encouraged her to not text or call him, but to just wait.  I told her that if she gave him some space, he would probably apologize.  I suggested that if he did not apologize right away, that she just respectfully create some distance until he did apologize.  If he asked what was wrong, I suggested that she could say, “I’m still upset/I’m still hurt.” She was sad for a bit, but then, looked to God and found strength and was calm about the whole thing.
She sent me an email the next day.  Her husband acted VERY differently this time…
So, wouldn’t you know it, the one night I want him to come home late so I can be asleep and have space, he doesn’t.  He comes home at 11:30 – the earliest he has ever made it in.  He comes in, just talking as if nothing ever happened.  Men are so funny.
I was not rude.  I answered any question he asked me but made NO comments to him.  He would say, “Did you hear me?” and I would say “mm-hmm” and look preoccupied.
He came over to me and said, “I want a kiss.”
I said, “I am still upset.”
He said, “I don’t care.  I still want a kiss.”  I allow him to kiss me.  Then I exit the room.  Maybe that was wrong.  I am learning here.  So, I basically stay in different rooms.  We get in bed around midnight-ish.
He tries a few more attempts at conversation.  I continue to not comment and only answer questions and give him distance as best I can in the same room.  I read beside him in bed for probably 30 minutes.  I was thinking “Oh my goodness…. is he REALLY not going to apologize?! Is he going to let it go like this?”
I finally get tired and put my book down and turn out the light and turn my back to him.  I lay there for several minutes.  Then he said, “Can I have a kiss goodnight?”  I paused.  Then I say, “Is that all you have for me?”  maybe that was wrong?  I don’t know.  You can tell me.  I was probably pushing for an apology too much.
He sighs and says, “No, I could give you an apology.  I am sorry I was such a jerk.  I should not have took my bad day and my job out on you.  I love you, Honey.”
I rolled over and kissed him and crawled up to lay on his shoulder.  I don’t know if this was wrong but I thought- I really need to reward him for apologizing and showing me this effort.
He kissed my forehead and told me he loved me again.  I told him I felt very hurt when he spoke so harshly to me.  He said he knew and he was sorry again.
THEN- I broke a rule and asked if he thought about us while he was gone.  I have not asked him, not even once, if he has thought about me at work since I let go of him.  BUT I felt like maybe it was okay? I wanted insight into his thoughts.  I probably made all kinds of mistakes here.
He sighed again, “Yes, I thought about us.  I had a terrible time.  I didn’t even have any fun.” (It was not funny but I found it just a little bit amusing).

“All I could think about was how hurt you were.”

Okay- that last statement was HUGE!!!!!!  It is not unusual for him to tell me he thought about us after an argument and that he was working it over in his mind .  But for him to say he thought about ‘how hurt I was’ was BIG, BIG, BIG!!!!  I am sure if the lights were on, my eyes would have appeared about to fall out of my head…  I was thinking about what you said about how his conscience would really echo if I didn’t get in his face and stuck with giving him my pure feelings.  AND IT DID.
So, all is well.  I am thankful I did better than in times past- though not perfectly – that he did apologize and that is was worked out – and especially that he told me he thought about how hurt I was – big deal to me!
So, crisis averted.

I don’t feel I gave up control at all (now).  There are times things do not go my way- that he doesn’t do the things I want him to do but he didn’t before, either. 

I actually do get my way a lot MORE often now.  He is very anxious to please me.

But a month and a half ago, I really could not see that. 
I was soooooo heartbroken.  I cried buckets and buckets and buckets.  I remember sitting in the Arbys drive through line trying to clear my face up enough to get my sandwich because I was crying so hard.
I thought my marriage was over.  I thought that we would be here out of commitment and no more. I thought our marriage was dead.  It was one of the most devastating things to feel.  I thought I was NOTHING to him.
Things ARE better now.  Not perfect but then they won’t be on this side of heaven.  But MOST days are blissful.
And last night, I did not go to pieces when he left.  I cried a few minutes and then I became logical and knew he would come back to me.

Yes, God’s ways WORK.  

Dh has never, EVER said that he could not stop thinking how hurt I was to me.  He has gone off and come back to apologize but (he was) not that soft in his spirit toward me.
And what was so funny to me was that here I am sharing my feelings- just true feelings with him and he was trying so hard to get me to argue and to argue my feelings down…. BUT like Bob Grant said, you absolutely cannot argue with true feelings.  They stand.  They are real and sincere.  No argument will hold.
And he called me Sweetheart this morning.  That is NEW.  He calls me pet names ALL the time and I love that about him but never that one.  And I love the other names but it was a new happening between us for him to call me that one.
Things are good today.  He is very sweet today.

This way of living is MUCH, MUCH more peaceful.  Stepping out toward it though is a HUGE leap of faith.

I don’t know how you EVER did this without a friend to encourage you along and to give you a picture of the future.
I believe that my friend handled this situation BEAUTIFULLY!  I think she was in tune with God’s Spirit.  I have no concerns about any of the things she did.  I think she was authentic about her feelings.  I think she was respectful.  I love that she cuddled with him after he apologized.
This wife was convinced her husband didn’t really love her just 6 weeks ago or so.  I could see many signs that he really did love her, but she was looking for him to do certain things and couldn’t see all the other ways he showed his love.
But now that she has given up trying to control him and make him submit to her will – he is free to care so much more about her feelings.  Now that he feels more respected and sees she trusts him and she has taken her hands off from his neck, her emotions become much more important to him.
The awesome thing is that when we are being the godly wives God commands us to be –

When we don’t respond to our husbands in sin – all they have to think about when they leave after a conflict is their own sin.  

If we just stick with respectfully, genuinely labeling our feelings briefly – that is much more powerful than a 2 hour lecture or a 3000 word email.
When we repay evil with good and refuse to engage in an argument – God’s power is free to work in our husbands to convict them in ways that are much more powerful than our words could ever be.
I’m so thankful for this precious sister of mine, for what God is doing in her, for what God is doing in her marriage and for her willingness to allow me to share with you.
I Am Trying to Respect and Submit to My Husband – He’s Being More Unloving Than EVER! What Is Going On? – things sometimes seem to get a lot worse at first… here’s why!
Learning to Respect and Give up Control Is a Process - by Nina Roesner, author of The Respect Dare
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41 Comments on “A Wife Responds Beautifully to Her Husband’s Bad Mood”

  1. SimpleNurture
    October 13, 2013 at 9:28 am #

    That was really encouraging :) thanks!
    Is there a link to a blog post where you go into what she mentioned about how his conscience would echo if you don’t nag at him??

    Thanks again!

    • peacefulwife
      October 13, 2013 at 2:27 pm #


      I’m so glad! I had a feeling that this story would be VERY helpful to many other wives.

      She was referring to some emails I had sent to her in response to her questions and concerns.

      Here is a bit of what I shared – let me know if you need more info!

      Yes, waiting is hard. I remember thinking it would be easier for me to send Greg 87 emails a day than to leave him alone!

      I like how you handled things about not forcing him to stay but sharing that you were hurt. I think that was great.

      He will be thinking about that all evening. Knowing you felt hurt and that you refused to argue.

      When you can respond without sin when he sins against you – his own sin will begin to eat away at his conscience. It’s actually extremely cool. God’s way totally works!

      I am glad you won’t approach him again. It may be good that he has that much time to think before he talks with you.

      When he sees that you are calm and not freaking out or trying to make him apologize and that you are not constantly texting him or calling him to try to get him to do what you want – it will be very interesting to see how he responds. I think he will be confused.

      No need to apologize when you were not wrong. You did apologize for what you did do wrong. That was great.

      If he doesn’t apologize, just keep your distance a bit, respectfully, not pouting.

      Now, enjoy time with God. Pray. Sing praise songs. Rest in His love and rest in Curt’s love. He does love you more than anything – read over what he said yesterday. He is going to have bad days. And he is human. And a sinner. This is a fantastic opportunity to show grace.

      I am reading a book, planning to do a review on it this month called “A Grace Filled Marriage” it is AWESOME!

      Also, another book Greg got me is “How to Talk So Your Husband Will Listen, and Listen So Your Husband Will Talk” IT IS AWESOME!!!!! I can’t wait to talk about it on the blog, too.

      • ariel
        October 19, 2013 at 12:37 am #

        hi there,
        I was searching articles on why do husband get grumpy with their wifes and I found your article. I have been facing countless moments where my hb got very abusive in language and behavior that really upsets me deeply he doesn’t hit but his words can be sharp as knifes and negative vibes is unexplainable, when he is calm he is an excellent dad and husband but he posses a bad temper getting mad at smallest matters when something else is bothering him at the moment, for me I feel its really stressful to deal with his temper tantrums as running the home with 2 kids, chores, volunteer work, a part time job, cooking. All those chores don’t wear me down is the temper flares that sucks up all my remainder energy.

        Thank you for your articles, i just came across it, Ive been praying alot about this and I did hear an advice telling me to meditate and do reflection of what I may have triggered the problem, also as a wife we are the only way of outlet for them which can be really hurtful, they need to be told constantly in a humble way, and if they have no faith in God it takes longer to show them the way not in a controlling way but loving way its hard but possibly that’s what God is teaching us humility.

        • peacefulwife
          October 19, 2013 at 6:45 am #


          I’m so glad to meet you! :)

          It sounds like things can get very tense with your husband. That could be scary. If you want to talk about it some more, I am here. :)

          I pray God might give you wisdom and I pray for His glory in your life and your marriage. Also I pray for peace in your marriage.

          If you get a chance, you may want to check out the post at the top of my home page about disrespect. Sometimes when men get really angry – it can be because they feel disrespected. The list of things that make them feel disrespected is pretty lengthy – and surprising – to many women.

          Praying for you! :)

          • Amy Wagner
            June 15, 2014 at 11:11 am #

            I would like to respectfully disagree that men become angry because they feel disrespected. They become angry because they choose to do so. The responsibility is on them. I don’t believe in blaming the wife.

            • peacefulwife
              June 15, 2014 at 9:56 pm #

              That is an interesting point. Anger can be an important flag that tells us we are being sinned against. If a man feels angry because he feels disrespected, that is not sin. What he does with that anger is the question. Will he react in a sinful way or in the power of God’s Spirit.

              We don’t generally choose what makes us angry. Anger happens when we feel our emotional boundaries are being violated or we are being mistreated. But then we are responsible for how we handle the anger. That is where our choice comes in.

              Since my blog is for wives, I focus on our responsibilities before God. God does command us to respect and honor our husbands’ leadership Eph 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3, Titus 2:3-5. It is sin for us to disrespect our husbands. So it is our responsibility as wives to obey God ourselves. Just like it is a husband’s responsibility to obey God’s command for him to love his wife with God’s love, to be selfless with her, to be Christlike (as all believers are to be) and not to be harsh with her.

              We may feel unloved and we may feel sad or angry about that. Then our response to our sadness or anger is our responsibility.

              Much love!

    • peacefulwife
      October 13, 2013 at 2:31 pm #


      Some of what I was sharing here was from Bob Grant’s ebooks. He does not ever claim to be a Christian. He is a marriage counselor. But he explains a woman having power in being gentle and calm and the power of sharing emotions without blaming. He does a great job explaining how men respond to PAIN and DISTANCE not words. He says “words are for women.” He also says, “Words are not for men.”

      Men do better when we respond with our actions instead of a flood of words. We actually have much more power when we use very few words about highly emotional things and when we don’t allow ourselves to stoop to arguing or competition.

      Bob Grant says, “Arguing is beneath you. You are into harmony and peace, not competition and arguing.”

  2. Vicki
    October 13, 2013 at 8:25 pm #

    I had trouble reading this blog, because I have tried these things that she did. However, my husband has a motto..”Don’t say you’re sorry, just be sorry” and. “Don’t say thanks, just be thankful”. He never ever apologizes and rarely shows appreciation or gratitude. It seems like he is grumpy 95% of the time. Any suggestions on how not to let this bother and hurt me on a regular basis?

    • peacefulwife
      October 13, 2013 at 10:15 pm #


      Each husband is unique. So you will be tailoring your behavior and words to what fits best for your particular man. Many men do not place any value on words whatsoever. Most men place a whole lot more value on behavior.

      However – repenting to someone we sinned against and expressing gratitude are commands God gives us to obey as believers. So, I am not sure you can completely go with what your husband is saying. But you will definitely want to be sure your body language, tone of voice and facial expressions and behaviors show your gratitude or your repentance.

      Is he a believer in Christ?

      • Vicki
        October 13, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

        Yes, he is a believer in Christ. I know what he is saying is not Biblical, but I would never tell him that as he has told me he doesn’t like it when women ‘use the Bible’ to try to contol a situation. We rarely discuss things biblically, which I am sad to say

        • peacefulwife
          October 14, 2013 at 8:55 am #


          I Peter 3:1-6 is going to be your most powerful approach – with the power of God’s Spirit, of course. Not using words especially about spiritual things, but showing him your genuine respect for what is good in him, cooperating with his leadership, being appreciative of the good things he does. You may have to do more with non-verbal body language, facial expression and tone of voice since he is vocal about not liking words about those things.

          If you’d like to talk about this in more detail, I’m glad to talk with you! :)

      • sonadewonderful
        October 17, 2013 at 11:19 am #

        My husband also is Christian (and even pastor/missionary) but I know how it feels cause he almost never ask me forgiveness and he is really harsh with me, destroying me with his words. He doesn’t understand how words are so powerful.

        I don’t know if it can help but what I do when he tell me I’m stupid or crazy, that I’m so bad…. I silently take position and say “I refuse these words and they fall in the floor in Jesus name”.

        Since a year, he has hurt me so much. I was thinking last week about the great book of John Bevere about not taking offense. Sometimes, it works but some day I’m more sensitive; it still hurts.

        I feel also the pain that we never read the bible and pray together. It’s even harder knowing he’s in the ministry but I know he has still some wounds and fortress from the past and I pray according to te word of God that the darkness in him won’t overpower the light but God will show him his sin and he’ll repent.

        I know one day he’ll fall in his face and see who he is inside and repent. Meanwhile, I pray, trust God and hang on there. This is the hardest part. But there is hope :-)

    • KarenE
      October 14, 2013 at 3:26 pm #

      Vicki – dear sister in Christ, my husband’s motto USED TO BE “Don’t say you’re sorry; show it (by never doing it again).” I am one to apologize and who likes to be apologized to. He was not; until…. During my walk to become a godly wife, at some point, the conversation came up as to why I continually apologized even though he didn’t like it. I explained to him (in the most pleasant voice I could muster) that I would love to SHOW HIM that I was sorry, but sometimes I will still goof up and make the same mistake. Maybe not the exact same way, but inevitably the same mistake nonetheless. By voicing my apology, I expressed my sincere sorrow for having done that behavior or thing and would do my darndest to make sure I didn’t do it again, knowing full well that it could happen again, even though I was trying my hardest not to. And in my apologizing, I was asking for his forgiveness. It’s huge to me…huge for us. Then…about a month or so later, MY HUSBAND began apologizing to ME for his actions/behavior. I was in such SHOCK I couldn’t find the words to thank him for apologizing to me. My jaw hit the floor and I gasped. He had an odd smile plastered on his face and he walked away with a skip in his step (in case you missed it – he was showing me his love. :) I didn’t recognize it then, but I do now. I will never forget that day or the emotions that surged through my body!). Many months later, I asked my hubby what changed his mind about apologizing and why it was now acceptable to him to apologize and not HAVE TO SHOW it. He, matter-of-factly, explained to me that he thought about what I said and indicated that yes, there were times that he wanted to apologize, but knew that it would be difficult for him to stop that behavior overnight. He thought that the only way he could DO better, was to BE better, and he would feel like a jackass every time he tried and failed. He learned that apologizing was important to me and something that I “needed” and learned that it did make a difference to him knowing that I was repentant for that particular action and he could see that I was really trying – and would continue to apologize each time I sinned (or failed) against him. He told me that he APPRECIATED when I would catch myself and apologize to him. It meant something to him to see that I was really trying so hard. I don’t know if my story will help you – or change your husband’s heart – but who knows! God is amazing and His timing is always perfect! Good luck to you, sister. I pray that God will bless you and consider opening your husband’s heart to understand the importance of “an apology” and that he would see that you are trying and doing your best – and then would be willing to try an apology himself. xoxo

      • Vicki
        October 14, 2013 at 6:56 pm #

        Thanks for your story ~ It offers me hope and encouragement, as well as some guidance on how I can better express myself respectfully.
        I am so happy for you that you got to experience and remember that first apology from him!

      • dh
        November 11, 2013 at 10:27 am #

        so cool, my husband has not apologized to me for he thinks it is weakness – it is strength in a man that can, especially if he is doing it because he knows he wife needs to hear it. That is love, stepping out and meeting your spouses needs, wow what a turn on. I am so deeply happy for you, it gives me hope.

    • SadWife
      August 27, 2014 at 11:19 pm #

      My husband is the EXACT same way……you are not alone. My husband never apologizes. …..ever. I try to please him but nothing seems to work and he blames me when he gets angry. I don’t pester him or chase after him seeking attention either. The tactics in this article would never work on my husband……He would love it if I left him alone or left the room or didn’t initiate a conversation. Basically I feel he wants me around for sex, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry and grocery shopping. I’m at a loss on what to do.

      • peacefulwife
        August 28, 2014 at 7:55 am #


        I used to feel a lot like you do now. I can definitely feel your pain!!! I am so sorry you are feeling so unloved. :( I hope you might check out the posts at the top of my home page, particularly about disrespect and respect and see if there is anything that jumps out at you.

        I used to feel like my husband would be happier if I wasn’t even here. Now, I know that it was my constant (although inadvertent) disrespect that pushed him away for many years in our marriage. My husband who used to ignore me, avoid touching me and avoid talking to me is now the man I always knew he could be. He cares about my feelings. He cares if I am upset now. He does things just to make me happy. We are not perfect at all. We still have lots to learn. But God had to change ME first. Then, very slowly, He changed my husband, too – and He continues to change us both.

        There is much hope in Christ!!!!

        Much love to you!

      • KarenE
        August 28, 2014 at 9:01 am #

        Oh, honey! I certainly feel your pain. Until my husband turned that corner (and he’s still working on things in certain areas), I too, felt the same way – unloved, unwanted, undesired… I prayed, a lot. My women’s group prayed, a lot. Lots and lots of prayers for me, for my courage, for my patience, for my faith, etc… And then lots and lots of prayers for my husband – all the way around. Prayer works. It takes lots of hard work on our part, as the wife, to lead a godly life and become patient while learning how to live this godly life to become a godly wife. It didn’t happen overnight…it took many, many years – but seeing this through and watching my marriage and intimate relationship with my husband blossom has been so incredibly rewarding (I have a post earlier on here about my husband’s theory on apologizing). He apologizes all of the time now – without hesitation. There have even been times where he stalled an apology and then (later) would take me into his arms for a serious, face to face (literally inches away from his nose), apology. He would crumble into my arms when I would thank him, forgive him, kiss his lips, and tell him I love him, still. The transformation my husband has gone through has been miraculous! I never, ever, ever – in a million years – would have dreamed that we would be where we are today. He’s not only the man I initially met and fell in love with, but he’s even more. God is amazing. His plan, desire, and will for our marriage (and yours as well) is breath-taking. Please do not lose hope. As April suggested, review the list of ways men can feel disrespected, and pray over the list. Ask God to reveal to you ways that you might be disrespectful, or ask God to reveal to you what’s really bugging your husband and ask for wisdom, courage, and guidance for how He best wants you to approach your husband, respectfully. When I first read the list, I didn’t realize that half of them were considered disrespectful and now I could even add a few more to that list. Something you wrote jumped out at me, “He would love it if I left him alone or left the room or didn’t initiate a conversation.” Maybe that’s what you really should do. After all, if that’s what he truly desires – then you could respectfully submit and be happy to do so. But be careful to watch your tone of voice, body language, muttering/moaning under your breath, etc… Maybe softly speak something loving or respectful as you leave the room. Find a quiet place and then pray (strength/courage/wisdom/patience for you and ask God if it would be in His will to soften your husband’s heart and to bring him back to you). I’ll be praying for you – for your marriage – and for your husband. Please do not lose hope! God’s plan works! He is in our corner and will fight for us – when we ask Him to! xoxo

  3. SimpleNurture
    October 13, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

    Thank you so much, that’s really helpful!
    God bless

    • peacefulwife
      October 13, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

      I am so glad!!!! Let me know if you want to talk about anything else. :)

  4. Brandi Harris
    October 14, 2013 at 12:09 am #

    I just love to see women choosing to interact with their husbands out of God’s desire for that interaction instead of their own feelings. This gets me a lot because there are times I just want to make sure he knows exactly how I feel. But as you said God’s ways do work. His thoughts are higher, His ways are better.

    • peacefulwife
      October 14, 2013 at 8:53 am #

      So true!!!! :) Thanks very much for sharing!

  5. jack
    October 14, 2013 at 12:53 am #

    Good job.

    Submission does not mean pretending you don’t have feelings, nor does it mean you should not express yourself.

    The persuasive power of femininity is quite effective, is it not?

    Note the subtle difference between “you need to apologize” and “is that all you have for me?”

    I once heard a pastor say that he had a time when he was being very rude to his wife, and her response was “I am going to be a blessing to you one way or another”.

    He said the effect on him was a sudden sense of conviction. The refusal to fight is a good things as well, because a person who is in a combative state of mind will try to draw you in, to help them justify their own bellicose behavior.

    • peacefulwife
      October 14, 2013 at 8:56 am #


      Wow! I LOVE that example! Thank you for sharing. What a beautiful response for a Christian wife to have when her husband is being hateful.

  6. KarenE
    October 14, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

    I cried through this whole post…bawling my eyes out. Brava, sister! Brava!! May God continue to bless you as you walk in His truth and find peace through Him!

  7. sonadewonderful
    October 17, 2013 at 9:58 am #

    I can SO relate to this post. In 1 year and almost 5 months of marriage, my husband apologized maybe 3 times. And it was after terrible things he said…. He even doesn’t stand that I apologize and say he doesn’t want me to do it because it’s nothing for him…..And he always do as if nothing happen.

    After some fasting and praying, this week I really focus on staying silent. Yesterday, he criticized me again bit I managed to hold my tongue.

    This morning, he woke up in such a bad mood and accused me again. I was about to justify myself but didn’t do it.

    I know one day, God will make me justice and will convince him of sin. Until that time, I need to do with it.

    I know part might be due because I disrespected him. I know it takes a while before he’ll see and believe that I changed. Some day like yesterday, I feel like our marriage is over and that I God doesn’t do something soon, we’ll go into a wall.

    But I’m going to obey him and be silent and we’ll see what happens…..

    • peacefulwife
      October 17, 2013 at 10:52 am #


      Such a difficult thing to be sinned against and not to respond back in anger, justification and defense.

      I pray that God will give you wisdom. And I pray that He will empower you to respond in the power of His Spirit – with kindness, mercy, grace and Godly love. I pray God will help you know what to say and when and when to be silent for His glory. I pray for conviction for your husband and most of all for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Christ and in your marriage.

      Thank you for sharing!

      It absolutely does take time for a husband to see his wife has really changed – like – usually many months. I pray eventually he will feel safe, respected and loved by you. And I pray that God may show you each step to become the woman of His dreams. :)

      Much love to you!

      Please let me know how you are doing!

    • Vicki
      October 17, 2013 at 2:15 pm #


      Thanks for sharing. It seems your situation is similar to mine. My husband tells me it is his job to ‘teach’ me, and I typically feel like a reprimanded child rather than a wife or helpmate. His way of teaching is to put down and criticize me, never with encouragement or affirmation. In reading your story I am reminded of the only time he ever apologized to me… He yelled at me so much one time that he spit in my face. At the time I was so shocked and hurt that I simply stood there until he was done and then I walked away without a word. I was very quiet around him the rest of that day, and he actually came and apologized later. Maybe I should have learned more that day… Let him vent and don’t defend myself or say anything back. Let God convict him.

      I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in, and how you are spoken to. It sure is hard not to take offense, and I admire your approach to silently rebuke his negative words. I think I will check out the Bevere book you mentioned.

      It does help to know we are going through similar issues, although I wouldn’t wish them on anyone!

      Peacefulwife – you are so right in pointing out it is hard to be sinned against and not to respond out of the sinful nature. I feel so young and immature in this journey of obedience to God, and I pray for his wisdom, I know I cannot do this without him.

      Thanks for all the time, energy, and prayer you put into the blog. It has become a huge source of wisdom and support for me in my marriage.

  8. Unsure
    April 18, 2014 at 8:14 pm #

    This sounds very sweet. When I for example waited a day then was quiet the next day until he pried it out of me and I said, “I actually trout maybe you were just tired” and he said “NO, I meant what I said…you usually aren’t lazy but when you choose to go into the house and not carry in groceries like the rest of the family, I was right to tell you and do it in front of the children.”

    If I am hurt or sad about the mean words he says, he is always VERY justified and actually just tells me to “move out and go live somewhere else because he’s sick of listening to me and my feelings.”

    The fact that your husband is nice to you is very nice. I get to the point where I just figure why respect him when I’m not even allowed to be myself around him…being myself is Always Wrong. I’ve not talked to my parents for months and had to break down and call my dad today just to get some affirmation that I am not stupid, lazy, or half *ssed….sometimes I just get depressed because I being to believe my husband is right about me and I just come to our room to read. Because I’d rather be alone than sitting next to him. It’s so terrible and maybe this will just pass but I’m sick of making excuses for him !

    • peacefulwife
      April 18, 2014 at 10:26 pm #


      Has your husband always been this way?

      What was your courtship like?

      Does he have a history of abuse or being abused, addictions or serious issues?

      Does he ever apologize to anyone?

      How does he treat his mom?

      Did his dad ever apologize to his mom?

      Does he have a godly mentor?

      Do you have a godly wife mentor?

      Are you able to separate the lies he tells you and not absorb them but listen to God’s Word about you?

      How does he get along with people at work?

      Have you had godly counseling before?

      What are you praying for these days?

      Are you safe?

      Have y’all ever separated before?

      Is this a first marriage for both of you?

      I wish I could hug your neck!

      What did you used to do and say when you felt unloved and mistreated?

  9. Unsure
    April 19, 2014 at 7:34 am #


    Has your husband always been this way?
    Yes…he would only apologize if he did get physical.

    What was your courtship like?
    He always liked to know where I was and what I was doing at all times. I just thought that was romNtic at the time but actually seemed more like he never trusted me. Yes, he was always right and if not, there is nothing more said about an issue. He will question and re-question me sometimes to the point that it is easier to just agree with him (be it I looked at another man when I didn’t) it is actually MUCH more peaceful to just agree with him or keep my mouth shut because either way…it’s gonna hurt more to disagree.

    Does he have a history of abuse or being abused, addictions or serious issues?
    I’ve been told he was a womanizer (even he agreed to that accusation) and spanked as a child.
    Does he ever apologize to anyone?

    How does he treat his mom?
    Adores her !!!

    Did his dad ever apologize to his mom?
    I do not think so. His dad was an alcoholic and at one point lived with a girlfriend but to my knowledge this was not apologized for; one day he wS given an ultimatum and came home.

    Does he have a godly mentor? No. He can be quoting scripture in one breath and explaining to me what good integrity and character he has then in the next breath he is cussing up a storm.

    Do you have a godly wife mentor?

    Are you able to separate the lies he tells you and not absorb them but listen to God’s Word about you?
    Yes, most times, however in separating his lies it also separates me father and father from him…because it’s as if I have to “show and agree” on the outside but on the inside parts of me are saying “break me free from this.”

    How does he get along with people at work?
    He is the boss and he has a wonderful personality with his staff…they adore him.

    Have you had godly counseling before?
    Yes, I sought counseling last year.

    What are you praying for these days?
    Gods will and for Him to give me wisdom…

    Are you safe?

    Have y’all ever separated before?
    Yes, and when we separated he attempted to go to counseling with me but met another woman and then 3 more after that. To this day, he maintains the fact that he NEVER cheated on me because I no longer lived in our home but to me I maintain that if he had continued counseling with me instead of being tempted by these other women we may have been back together a lot sooner….however that argument is NEVER agreed upon. He NEVER cheated on me and prides himself on that. So, whatever.

    Is this a first marriage for both of you?
    For me yes. Him third.

    I wish I could hug your neck!

    What did you used to do and say when you felt unloved and mistreated?
    I used to yell and scream and cry and hate my life but now I just keep my mouth shut and go to my room to read because it’s just NOT worth it…he used to cover his eRs and go “lalalala I can’t hear you” so, he is much happier if I just leave him alone and he actually will not answer his phone if he knows I’m upset because he says it wouldn’t be a fair conversation and so I have to “self soothe” and come to him when I am better and. O longer emotional. In the past if I got to where I’d yell and scream (out of complete frustration and isolation) he would take away the keys to the nice car and I’d have to drive the junk car for a couple weeks or he would take away my wedding ring. Soooo…knowing what will happen if I disagree with him, I just think that I am too controlling and emotional and go to our room and read. A few weeks ago, I lost the nice car and a week later got the keys back but still cannot drive it.

    • peacefulwife
      April 19, 2014 at 7:51 am #


      Goodness. What a mess. :(

      What does your mentor suggest you do?

      What did you learn in counseling?

      This is not ok. :( It is not a healthy situation for either of you.

      When did he get physical? What happened?

      How did he treat his other two wives?

      • Unsure
        April 19, 2014 at 8:07 am #


        Goodness. What a mess. :(

        What does your mentor suggest you do?
        Basically, she suggests I stay focused on God and pray.

        What did you learn in counseling?
        I matured, I learned about myself and setting healthy boundaries with family, I learned that God is in love with me and with me always, I learned control of emotional and other channels to express myself rather than just laying it all out there, counseling changed my life and invited the Spirit into my heart and life.

        This is not ok. :( It is not a healthy situation for either of you.

        When did he get physical? What happened?
        He used to get physical on a weekly basis, that’s why we separated. He’s not touched me since we been back together…we’ll he did pull my hair hard and my head was soar. I had turned the tv off because he hid and refused to give back to me what he took and I told him that wasn’t fair.

        How did he treat his other two wives?
        The first one was physical and over quick. The second one lasted 10 years and she was just quiet but told me that being divorced from him is the best ever and she’s free. That didn’t help me much but apparently he cheated on her, which he denies.

        • peacefulwife
          April 19, 2014 at 1:10 pm #


          Have you, by chance, read the posts at the top of my home page?

          What did your counselor say about agreeing with things that you didn’t do and apologizing for things you didn’t do?

  10. Gina
    May 12, 2014 at 8:41 am #

    What a bunch of rubbish!

    • peacefulwife
      May 12, 2014 at 9:01 am #

      Would you like to talk about what’s going on? You sound pretty angry.

  11. WifeC
    July 10, 2014 at 4:56 am #

    I am not religious and the original husband in this article was not abusive, just had a bad day. But I’m sorry, some of the husbands described in the comments section, if you were friends telling me that story, I’d recommend leaving. Life is too short to spend with someone who doesn’t respect you. Especially as some of the men described are Christians who should be setting an example as the leader of the family.

    My husband has bad days, as we all do, but he ALWAYS apologises when I point it out, he doesn’t get argumentative, I am likewise, I will apologise straight away. Whilst the approach in the article worked and hopefully the husband in the article will apologise more readily in future, I am very wary of approaches that advocate passive aggressive behaviour such as being purposefully distant and answering questions with mmmm or similar. If this were my husband and I, the thing would have been resolved before he stepped out the door and we’d both have had good nights. But I guess every marriage is different and an approach for one couple won’t work with another.

    We have spent 9 years as a couple, 4 of those living together and 1 married.


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