A Wife’s New “Problem”

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This is an email from a wife I have been corresponding with for many months.  God has changed her heart and her perspective dramatically – and He is healing this marriage.  What God is doing in this wife and husband and marriage is so beautiful, I asked her if she might let me share!
Please keep in mind that she has been working on respect and biblical submission for at least about 6 months or so.  And please remember that each wife, husband and marriage will have their own story and timeline.  The most important thing is that we stay close to God, feast on His Word and desire to submit ourselves completely to Christ.  He will handle the timing and results for His glory.
FROM A WIFE:
Things are so good between me and my husband lately … Since I have taken an interest in his business , taking walks with him and going to his basketball games – it’s like we are best friends now.

Now, I’m finding he wants to do EVERYTHING with me! hehehe

I NEVER had this ‘problem’ before- instead it felt like I was always asking him to do things with me and he didn’t really seems to want to. But now,  for example  I might just get back from gym and he would like me to go for a walk with him … Occasionally I say no because I’m so tired and he seems disappointed … Last night I went with him and realised that before when we went walking we would often just each listen to music or a sermon on our iPhones but the past 5-6 walks I realised we have the head phones in our ears but neither of us ends up playing anything on the iPhone as we were too busy talking the whole time.
Now he always asks me to come with him on errands and to anything he is doing (if I am home)
Maybe he asked me before too, but I only wanted to spend time together on MY TERMS…
  • “Why should I go walking with him, he is just trying to fit me into his routine , he can come to gym with me if he really wants to spend time together”
  • “Why should I help him with work ? He is just trying to get free labor out of me – if he wants to be workaholic that’s up to him – I’m having no part in it”
  • “Why should I go on errands with him? He doesn’t want to carve out time and take me on a date and he things dragging me along on an errand it going to cut it?”
  • “Why should I go and watch him play basketball?  It’s so boring! And besides its just a silly game why does he care so much about it? He could be spending that time with me!”
Those are the things I used to think – and add to that almost daily complaining and criticizing and I think I’m beginning to see why things are so different now. 
I NEVER realized the beauty and power of tapping into the things my husband loves and joining in where I can. I now LOVE his passion for basketball and feel so relieved he didn’t allow me to completely snuff it out!
With his business I have found ways to be involved that I enjoy like making the website and marketing.
The walks they have become such great times for conversation.
I read somewhere that to be attractive to a man a woman needs a perfect balance of 2 qualities. Playfulness and independence.
Independence meaning:
  • Not being clingy/needy
  • Being emotionally mature (From Peacefulwife – and I would add … spiritually mature – finding your joy, acceptance and purpose in Christ)
  • Not panicking if at moments you feel your husband is withdrawing or not responding exactly as you’d like every moment …
And at the same time remembering to be playful, light hearted and fun.
I have consciously been thinking of this and I think it makes me a happier person to be around as opposed to constant complaining and nagging.
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9 Comments on “A Wife’s New “Problem””

  1. Michelle
    April 3, 2013 at 8:18 am #

    Good job ! Happy to hear you’ve changed your ways so that your marriage can benefit from it. It’s pretty Kool to see the rewards of being submissive and your husbands friend not just his wife. I too for many years did my own thing and thought that he needed to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Boy did that put a strain on the marriage. When I realized that was throwing a wrench in our relationship and we were becoming distant, except where the kids were concerned, I opened my eyes and thought I’d better change. I took a bible study at our church called ” the excellent wife” wow what an eye opener. Sure it took me a while to really grasp what The Lord wanted me to do as a wife ( a couple yrs actually), but once I did, what a huge difference !!! My husband and I became more connected. we were best friends, and our family unit ran much more smoothly. it was even showing in the kids a difference once dad and mom were living more biblical. I stopped complaining and nagging and feeling upset. It’s been wonderful to live a marriage as God had intended not what I thought it should be like. Keep up the good work, your marriage and walk with The Lord is well worth it ! :-)

  2. Kristin
    April 3, 2013 at 9:59 am #

    I love this! I look forward to becoming more and more like this in my own marriage…and just pray that the Lord gives us a second chance! Good for you! It’s so awesome to read encouraging success stories. :)

  3. sarah
    April 3, 2013 at 12:46 pm #

    hmm this reminds me that a couple times last night during the Rangers game my hubby tried to talk to me about it but i wasnt so interested.. and they had the first game of the year the other day but i sat & read my book on the couch instead, even though he asked me earlier in the day to watch it with him.

    im going to sit & watch the game with him next time.. im sure Jesus will help me stay interested & have a joyful heart about it! ;)

  4. David J.
    April 3, 2013 at 5:43 pm #

    Kudos to these wives. And I’m happy to hear that the change in their approach works so well. I always thought that would be the case, but never had the opportunity to know. Despite having done most everything together while dating and engaged, once we were married my wife no longer had any interest in attending my basketball or softball games. Like the wives above, being together didn’t count or didn’t happen unless it was on her terms. I had an interest in camping as a couple and later as a family, but that was too much trouble and inconvenience to her. And so forth. These wives have chosen a much wiser course; it’s great to see God blessing their choices.

  5. rem6782
    April 3, 2013 at 8:34 pm #

    Hi Guys, I wrote this email and just wanted to thank yo uall for your responses and encouraging words.

    Sarah – I think something that has helped me to take an interest in the things my husband likes is something i read on Peaceful wife’s blog. Our husbands like us to be happy when they see us at the end of the day – so DO what it takes to make you happy. I try to do something each day that I like… for example a bath, reading a good book that i borrowed from the library, planning a trip away etc. Then i am refreshed myself, so if my husband would like me to sit next to him on the couch while he unwinds with a show he likes, i am happy to do this – usually I will be on my laptop and talk to him throughout… however if he has rented a movie he particularly wants us to watch together (even if it is not something i would necessarily have picked, but he thought i would enjoy it – i will watch it with him and won’t be distracted by my laptop or a book) – or if there is a sports game that he particularly wants me to watch with him then I will pay attention – I dont pretend to LOVE the game nor do I make a special effort to learn the name of all the players, if i just politely watch, make a couple of comments on things that are of interest to me – and he is happy with that. I think its important we stay true to ouselves and BE ourselves. No point pretending we love something we dont. It’s more the gesture of, if this will be more enjoyable to you – having me here with you – then I will do it because I love you, not because I love sports.

    Once you have done this for your husband for quite awhile, and he is starting to have fun in the relationship and LOVES having your around, THEN and only THEN, I think it’s also imporant for to realise the activities that we ABSOLUTELY need our husbands involvement in in order to make us happy, and things that ‘yeah it would be nice if you did it with me, but i will enjoy it anyway with or without you’. For the first catagory eg. romantic dinners, massaging each other etc. if it is something you LOVE and you NEED to do it with your husband then respectfully ask your husband to join you in these things (even if it is not something he LOVES to do) and start SMALL…dont get upset if it doesnt turn out exactly how you wanted, appreciate the ATTEMPT….dont get mad if he says no at first, but keep persisting and asking in a playful and fun way. It’s important for him to also do at least SOME of these things with you otherwise you may start to feel resentful after awhile. But for the second catagory, just do these things by yourself or with a friend – why burden your husband with them if you could enjoy them without him anyway (and he doesnt feel like doing them) …it makes you a more interesting and fun person anyway.

    David – are you still married?
    I think that usually wives are not intentionally refusing to join men in things they like doing to be mean or cruel, its just that they genuinely are not interested in sports/camping etc. And to be honest I could think of a hundred things that would be more fun to me personally than to sit every sunday for 2 hours watching my husband play basketball. BUT I understand some things about him that I didnt realise before – and that is why I dont want to miss a game, if possible, this season. They are:
    – my husband was very hurt as a child that his mother would never go to any of his basketball games to watch when he was a boy
    – basketball is something he deeply loves, for example if somebody told me i was never allowed to sing again – that would be the equivalent of him not being allowed to play basketball… when i try to understand it in this way, i start to GET it.
    – I LIKE my husband to be fit and healthy! when he wasnt playing basketball he started to put on weight and then i realised i was dumb for not supporting his basketball AKA his fitness!
    – i realised my husband is a much happier person when he does things he loves, just like me and i prefer a happy husband over a grumpy one
    – just because we are married doesnt mean we shouldnt continue to do the things we always loved, and continue to develop our talents – if both spouses do this the whole marriage is more interesting and happier, and realising this makes me want to be supportive of my husband in this.

    My husband wasnt REALLY able to verbalise these things to me. He never specifically said to me “i felt really hurt that my mother never wanted to watch my games” but after years and years of trying to understand him I finally realised these things. So I guess what you could maybe do for your wife is perhaps first sit down and type up your FEELINGS of why you would LOVE for her to at least perhaps watch SOME of your games, and perhaps bring the kids along too (if you have any). Then try to memorise the list and talk about it with her. I am only going to ALL of my husbands games because this may be his last chance to have a go and his last season before he is too old to play competitively. I think perhaps if you could get your wife to agree to come to 1 a month and actually schedule it in your diaries, that woudl be good. But then also you could do something with her that you dont particularly love but she enjoys more if she does it with you – to reciprocate.

    I know that before, my husband would say ‘do you want to come to the game?’ and if i said no he would just let it go, so i assumed that my presence there wasn’t really that important to him. But if he really took the time to explain the reasons WHY its important to him and kept persisting i probably would have gone much earlier.

    In terms of camping, we have the opposite situation. I love camping but my husband hates it. So we end up going to hotels most of the time. However, I was able to get him to agree to a SHORT camping trip with the rest of my family, explaing that I also do things for him that I dont particularly enjoy and that it would mean a lot to me if he came. Growing up this was an important part of what my family did. Unfortinately the weather was really bad that weekend so we didnt end up going but STILL it means a lot to me that he was willing to go and I will try again next time.

    It doesnt really matter WHO puts in more work in the marriage to make it good. If it is you – well YOU get to reap the benefits later. My advice is, understand what is important to you and what your picture of a happy marriage/family will look like and then dont give up and dont stop learning till you get there.

    God bless you all.

    • David J.
      April 3, 2013 at 9:25 pm #

      @rem6782: No, I’m afraid she left. Divorce was final about 18 months ago, after 29 years and 4 kids. I handled the “my activities” situation very much like your husband did: I invited her but didn’t make a big deal of it when she wasn’t interested, and I never really articulated to her how important it might actually have been. Your post just resonated with me as one of many things that could have been better. You articulated reasons and benefits that I had felt but not said. I’m genuinely happy you and your husband were able to figure it out and are able to reap the benefits.

  6. Nina
    April 3, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

    I am so Happy for you. I like you feel as if I have to do things on my husbands terms which for some reason makes me not want to do them. I have so much to learn UGH! Thank you for Posting this April I really needed to read this. I find that I need so much work which is ok with me I just dont like the down and out days.

  7. rem6782
    April 4, 2013 at 3:06 am #

    David, I am so sorry that after all those years it had to end. Have you ever watched the movie ‘courageous?’… I suppose as long as you have done all that you can to make things right, and if the marriage still fails/is not able to be reconciled, all you CAN do is move forward. Try to be grateful for and appreciate the things that you DO have… you are very lucky to have 4 children, many people would love children but have never been able to have them. Nothing is too much of a hinderance to God, no sin, no divorce. He is WAY bigger than divorce. And although staying married is the ideal, I believe there is ALWAYS a way to live a wonderful and meaningful life, with God’s help and a LOT of positive thinking and guidance from God.

    None of us can GUARANTEE our own marriages, even if at the moment things seem to be going well, by God’s grace. All we can do it to always do our best, with God’s help, in the situation we are in. While there is breath there is hope, there are dreams and there is beauty to be found around us.

    I will pray for you and your ex wife and children.

  8. Faithful Servant
    April 4, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    I am so happy for your joy in your marriage.

    I thank God for my blessings and hope my wife will come back to me.

    Were now seperated.

Beginning 7-21-14 I am back from a one month blogging vacation. You are welcome to leave respectful, edifying, constructive comments. May God richly bless your walk with Christ!

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