MY BIGGEST FAN
Greg (the Respected Husband) is my #1 fan. He has been behind me with this whole blog thing from before day 1. Almost a year before I started Peacefulwife – he wanted me to start teaching other wives what God had taught me. He is extremely supportive of me as a wife, as a mom, as a pharmacist and as a blogger. He is even my IT guy for all my technical issues! I am pretty sure I wouldn’t even have a functioning computer if it weren’t for him! I am not very tech savvy. I am most blessed to have him for my husband for so many reasons.
TWO WEEKS AGO
The week of Valentine’s Day was a little rougher than usual. Not because of Valentine’s Day at all- and nothing catastrophic:
- my period started WAY earlier than usual (like over a week earlier), so I was much more hormonal than usual, and not expecting it that week
- some extra difficult email situations
- frustrations with the book I have been writing – to the point that I am rewriting much of it
- even less sleep than normal (normal being 5.5 hours max per night)
- some dizziness with my chronic sinusitis
… you know – LIFE.
My poor husband – normally I am so stable these days. Not so much that week. I cried a few times that week – which is now very unusual. It was not about him, and I didn’t blame him for anything. But it is hard on him to see me like that. It was probably my most hormonal week in 4 years. You see – I am, indeed, truly human!
As soon as I realize my hormones are taking over – I try to disengage them and begin depending on my husband’s perspective and judgment rather than my own. It took me about 5 sentences to realize – hmmm… maybe I am hormonal? Greg said, “It is definitely a possibility!”
Last Monday, Greg mentioned in passing that he was thinking about “pulling the plug” on Peacefulwife.
That made me REALLY SAD! I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing this ministry and blogging and emailing and seeing God work miracles in marriage. And I care so very much about my readers and many of them are now very dear friends to me.
But - I know that God can and will lead me through my husband. So, I released my blogs/book/emails to God’s hands and sought His will. I do that every day – but even more so when my husband made a comment like that – which he has never done before. It is definitely possible that even something like blogging could become an idol for me. What a GREAT chance for me to practice holding all things loosely before Jesus – allowing Him to lead me in His will. And it was a fantastic opportunity for me to practice living out, “Not my will but Yours be done!”
I decided that I would accept his decision if that was what he believed was best – even if it meant stopping the blogs. And I was able to enjoy the day with him and our children while we went to the zoo together. I was still exhausted that day from some other medical issues, and lack of sleep. But I thoroughly enjoyed my family and my heart was a bit sad but at peace.
I told Greg that I love blogging and believe that is what God wants me to do but that I would trust him and if he felt that the blogging/emailing/book writing were not right for me to be doing – that I would accept his decision as God’s will for my life. I waited patiently. I also quickly emailed the wives on my prayer team and asked them to pray for me. Which they did! I’m so thankful for them!
ANOTHER HUMBLING MOMENT
Our pastor knows that I write this blog. He likes to kid me about it in a friendly way, “Isn’t ‘peaceful wife’ an oxymoron?” That same week, he came to Greg and me and said, “April testifies that she is a peaceful wife. What is your opinion?” And, with this huge questioning tone in his voice, Greg said, ”Mostly????” And my pastor laughed so hard.
Wow… that was humbling. It was probably a pretty bad week to ask my husband that question! But I figured my husband would say, “She is a wonderful wife. She’s doing a great job!”
I did keep it together at church and waited to get home to cry. My husband didn’t mean his answer to sound negative – he said he doesn’t want me to feel like I have to be perfect. To me that answer sounded like I was doing a terrible job! Then I remembered all the times we had misunderstandings because I expected him to use the same enthusiastic words and tone of voice I use. That is just how he talks. He didn’t mean I was a failure. And then I thought, ”Awesome. Now my PASTOR is going to think I am a failure. Maybe I really shouldn’t be writing for other women!”
But then God prompted me so quickly, “What are you respecting your husband and submitting to him for? Whom are you trying to please? Your husband? Your pastor? Isn’t MY opinion of you the one that matters the most?”
And I realized -
I am not doing this for my husband or for the praises of people. I am doing it for God.
My disappointment with my husband’s answer and my embarrassment at feeling my reputation could be ruined with my pastor was a great time to check my motives. AND MY PRIDE. Apparently, I was starting to veer off course. And is my pastor really going to be that affected by my husband’s answer? I was probably being quite overly sensitive.
So – Thank You, GOD, for the pop quiz and the motivation checkpoint. I am so grateful for the chance to see some hidden ungodly motives and confess them and repent!
I NEED MY HUSBAND’S LEADERSHIP
Thankfully, Greg decided that particular week was a bit of an anomaly because of all my medical issues/hormones/extra stress from a few specific emails/book stuff. And he told me he supports me continuing on with the blogging ministry. YAY! BUT - he said he wants me to have more BALANCE, and to be sure to put him and our children ahead of the blog stuff. I completely agree with him.
Unfortunately, I am HORRIBLE at balance and moderation.
I am awesome at obsession or just stopping something altogether. But BALANCING things. UGH. So I asked him what his definition of balance was and told him I am really bad at this! And that I might need his guidance and direction.
We spent a very quiet evening – cuddling in our bed after our children went to bed. Greg told me how much it means for him to just have me there with him, even if he is just watching tv. And I actually relaxed!
If I am left to my own devices, I will run myself into the ground until I CAN’T do anything. Like my friend, Selena, says, “I unbalance easily.”
So I am really thankful that I have a husband who will help me establish balance and help me figure out how to keep him and my children first and not get so consumed by good things that I am missing out on the most important things.
I have been a bit slower in responding to emails this past week. That is because I have been spending time with my friends and my grandmother and my twin sister and my family. Y’all are REALLY important to me! But I hope you can be patient as I learn to get this balance thing going. I do plan to respond to each email, but it could take a few days at times depending on my schedule.
And, please pray about the book. Please pray that God will give me the exact words He wants me to use and the messages He wants me to write. Please pray for it to only be for His glory and His will in His timing by His power and for His purposes. Thank you!
I am thankful that there are moments in life that keep me grounded and humble. I need that!