“My Way Isn’t Working… Where Do I Start to Learn to Be a Godly Wife?”

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What better time to decide to begin learning to be the wife of God’s dreams than at New Year’s?

THE FIRST STEP

The first step to becoming a godly wife – is to have God in your life.

We are ALL desperately  in need the blood of Jesus and the sacrifice He made for us on the cross to make us right with God.

NONE of us can be good enough to impress God on our own.  Only God is good.  We are not.  If I even just look at the 10 commandments in Exodus 20, I see that I fail miserably to live up to God’s standards.   Because, to God, any time I put something ahead of Him in my heart, that’s idolatry.  If I won’t forgive another person, that is hatred which is murder.  If I think about being with another man in my heart, that is adultery.  If I want what someone else has, that is coveting.  If I ever dishonored my parents, I am a law-breaker.  God’s standards are perfect and holy – and my best efforts to be good on my own fall miles short of God’s holiness.

For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.  Romans 3:23

The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 6:23

Some signs that we don’t have God in our lives are: a lack of peace, anxiety, fear, putting other things ahead of God as being more important to us (idolatry), discontentment, anger, resentment, unforgiveness, bitterness and sometimes even depression and hopelessness.

And the way to have God in your life is to have a relationship with Jesus Christ.

“I am the Way and the Truth and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through Me.  John 14:6

How do I know that I have Jesus?

If anyone loves me, he will obey My teaching.  My Father will love him, and We will come and make Our home with him.  He who does not love Me will not obey My teaching.  John 14:23

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you,  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.  John 14:27.

I am the Vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in Me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from Me you can do nothing.  John 15:5

My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:12-13

IF YOU DON’T HAVE JESUS AS YOUR SAVIOR

Jesus (God’s Son) lived a perfect life and died in our place, taking on the punishment for the wrong we have done that each of us deserved.  He wants to give us the gift of life forever with Him in heaven after we die and an intimate relationship with Himself and God the Father now.

Read this post for more about how to invite Jesus into your life   http://wp.me/P28uul-qN

THE SECOND STEP – JESUS MUST BE LORD.

That is a big problem for many believers!  There is a HUGE difference between having Jesus as your Savior and also having Him as your Lord.

This is where I got tripped up so much for many years.  I thought I was living with Him as Lord of my life – but I was blind to my own sin and my sin kept Him from having the power and influence He wanted to in my life.  I really wasn’t walking in obedience to Him and I didn’t have His Spirit controlling and filling me daily.  I know I was His.  But my sin had disrupted our fellowship and I was missing out on some REALLY powerful stuff with Christ.

My own pride, thinking I knew better than God did and better than His Word did – thinking I was the exception to Gods’ commands for wives and my rebellion against God’s Word as well as my own idolatry – putting things ahead of Christ in my life – showed that Jesus was not fully my Lord for many years.  There is no worse sin than idolatry – and, sadly, the human heart is “an idol factory.”

EVIDENCE THAT JESUS IS NOT IN CHARGE IN MY LIFE:

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like.  I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.  Galatians 5:19-21

I used to think that because I didn’t commit witchcraft or have issues with drunkenness, witchcraft,  orgies or sexual immorality – that I wasn’t living according to the sinful nature.  But if ANY of these things are happening often in my life – it is the sinful nature that is in charge, not the Spirit of God.  That is a SOBERING realization.

EVIDENCE THAT JESUS IS IN CHARGE OF MY LIFE – THAT HE IS MY LORD:

The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.  Galatians 5:22

When God’s Spirit is in control – I will have ALL of the fruit of His Spirit in increasing measure on a daily basis.  If a lot of these things are missing from my life – or don’t happen very often, I need to look at whether there is sin I am cherishing in my heart that has grieved God’s Spirit and might be keeping Him from hearing my prayers and from working powerfully in my life.

Also, when Jesus is my Lord – I will obey Him.  I will WANT to obey Him.  I will be grieved when I don’t obey Him.  I will make Him, His will, His Word, His presence,. and His plans more important than anything else in my life.  I WANT to spend lots of time with Him.  I want to sing praises to Him.  I want to thank Him.  I trust Him.  I wait on Him.  I am content in Him.  I have His peace, joy and power even in difficulties more and more.  I can’t do this on my own – His Spirit works in me to accomplish these things.

THE THIRD STEP:

Because of my relationship with Jesus and my love for Him – I will study and learn all that He desires my life to be.

As a wife, I will desire to obey God’s Word to me and I will decide to:

  • respect my husband  (Ephesians 5:22-33) – even when I feel unloved.
  • cooperate with my husband’s God-given leadership (Ephesians 5:22-33) = unless he is asking me to sin.
  • not nag, preach, lecture or criticize my husband to try to make him be closer to God (I Peter 3:1-6) but influence him with my respectful, pure and godly behavior
  • be patient with my husband – when he doesn’t deserve it (I Cor 13:4)
  • be kind to my husband, even if he is not kind to me (I Cor. 13:4)
  • not envy my husband having time to himself or time with friends or time to relax (I Cor 13:4)
  • not boast about how “right” I am or how “godly” I am or how “spiritually mature” I am or how much “better” I am than my husband is or how much more money I make or how much smarter I am or how much more wisdom I have (I Cor 13:4)
  • I will leave room to acknowledge that God’s wisdom is MUCH higher than my own and that compared to His wisdom and His Word, my “wisdom” is foolishness.  I will leave room for my husband to share his masculine perspective and wisdom and will appreciate the insights he has to offer and realize that my perspective is not the only one in the world and that God may want to lead me and speak to me through my husband’s wisdom. (I Cor 13:4)
  • not be rude to my husband or disrespectful, even if he was rude or unloving to me first. (I Cor. 13:5)
  • not seek my own way, my own goals, my own will, my own purposes, my agenda, my comfort, my needs to be met but look to meet my husband’s needs and seek God’s will and His glory in my marriage. (I Corinthians 13:5)
  • not be easily angered. (I Cor 13:5)
  • keep no record of wrongs my husband has done to me, and definitely not throw his failures and past sins and mistakes in his face (I Cor. 13:5)
  • not delight in evil happening to my husband or want to see him hurt and suffer and be in pain. (I Corinthians 13:6)
  • rejoice in the truth of God and God’s work in my marriage and my husband’s life (I Cor. 13:6)
  • always protect my husband and my marriage, regardless of what my husband is doing (I Cor. 13:7)
  • always trust in God, His Word, His power and His ability to heal in my marriage and trust in my husband as much as I possibly can (there may be times when he has to earn my trust back, but I WANT to be able to trust him), assume the best about him, not the worst. (I Cor 13:7)
  • always hope in God and in my marriage because I know God is able to work in my marriage. (I Cor 13:7)
  • always persevere and keep on obeying God’s Word for me no matter what my husband is doing or not doing at the time (I Cor 13:7)
  • forgive my husband (all of his sins against me) so that God will forgive me my sins against Him.  (Matthew 6:14-15)
  • repay my husband with good when he does evil to me and when he acts like he hates me (Luke 6:27).
  • bless him when he curses me and pray for him when he mistreats me. (Luke 6:28)
  • love my husband, not hate him.  “Whoever loves God MUST also love his brother.”  I cannot hate my husband AND love God.  If hatred is in my heart, God cannot be there.  I have to choose love and forgiveness to be able to allow God’s Spirit to fill me and empower me to be the wife and woman God wants me to be.  I John 4:20-21

MY MOTIVATION

My desire to be a godly wife MUST be to please and honor Jesus Christ because I love Him more than anything or anyone.  If I try to learn to respect my husband and cooperate with him in order to change him or make him love me more – my husband will feel manipulated and he will know my respect is not genuine.  Husbands are very sensitive to the motives behind our respect!  And so is God.  God weighs my motives constantly.  If there are any ungodly, sinful or selfish motives behind my behavior – that dishonors God.

My goal must be to bring glory to  Christ – I leave the results in His hands.  I must start on this journey of becoming a godly wife without knowing what the results will be.  I trust God for the results in my marriage and for the timing and if/when my husband or marriage might improve or change.

He may change, or he may not.  My responsibility is to obey my Lord.

Most husbands do eventually change in time, when their wives obey God and are full of His Spirit and power.  But it can take a VERY long time.  That has to be ok.  And even if my husband never changes – that has to be ok, too.  My priority and goal is to be close to Jesus and to love and obey Him.

PRAYER

Lord,

I pray that You might help each of us find You.  Let us want You more than anything else in the world!  Let us long to know You more and more.  Let us love You with pure hearts.  Cleanse us of our sin.  Convict us of all that offends You.  Help us to lay still on the operating table as we hold open our hearts to You and allow You to examine each dark corner with Your blazing, holy light and remove the filth and rot in our souls.  Make us the women You desire us to be.  Give us hearts to love and obey You no matter what the cost.  Use us to shine brightly for You in our families, our marriages and in this world for Your greatest glory!

In the Name and power of Christ,

Amen!

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:

The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace

Sacred Influence by Gary Thomas

For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn

Check out the posts at the top of my home page:

“101 Ways to Show Respect to Your Husband”

“Husbands Share What is Disrespectful to Them”

“About”

“When She Surrendered”

“Peacefulwife Videos”

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10 Comments on ““My Way Isn’t Working… Where Do I Start to Learn to Be a Godly Wife?””

  1. Christine
    January 1, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    Amen!

  2. Angelique
    January 1, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    Happy new year April!! Thankful that I got to journey with you in 2012 and very excited to see what God has in store for your ministry in 2013! Praying for you! To Him be the Glory!!

  3. Debbie Calderon
    January 15, 2013 at 7:49 pm #

    I always was and am a peaceful wife, I am just a co dependent being who was accused of being verbally abusive as opposed to helping. So as women we need to know the difference between manipulated into believing we are in the wrong. I am learning as a wife of 25 years. I was made to believe I was wrong, I need to change myself and yet my husband was the one that didn’t have friends his family had to stay away due to his anger and yet he accused me of hating his family and not having any friends. Yet, he sits in a hotel room traveling for his job and alone. I still love my husband and will always be there for him, but he has to change his thought process…Please help me in prayer to help him seek help. I am on my way to church Week 1: “Two Kingdoms” “Understanding the Enemy’s Schemes” God Bless you all!!!

    • peacefulwife
      January 15, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

      Debbie,
      I don’t know if it is because my granddaddy was an alcoholic- or because I was the dominant twin and picked up some really messed up theology as a small child about that I was in control more than God – but I was codependent, too.

      Codependency is actually a form of idolatry – trying to be in control of situations and other people and trust self instead of God. Or that was what I read when I studied codependency, and it sure fit me! And yes, what I thought was “helping” came across as controlling, nagging, bossing and disrespectful. And I didn’t understand!

      Being labelled “verbally abusive” is such a broad and overused term. I am sure that term could be applied to a lot of people. And it sure sounds horrible.

      In my experience – in my own marriage and in talking with hundreds of wives in the past year – I have yet to find a spouse who is not at fault in some way in contributing to the problems in a marriage. Every case I have seen, both spouses are sinful people and both spouses are wrong about some things.

      THe awesome thing is that if just one spouse will start to work on his/her own relationship with God and take responsibility for his/her own sin – THAT is where our power is and that is when miracles start to happen!

      So, I would encourage you to ask God to show you your sin, and to help you repent and be the wife He wants you to be. I would encourage you to focus on the good things in your man and what you can respect. Stop the negativity, criticizing, condescending, bossing, “helping” that is not appreciated. And tell him the things you admire about him, smile more, show some faith in his good abilities, praise him when he does things well. Anything!

      I would also suggest reading three posts at the top of my home page:
      - one about what disrespect is to husbands
      - one about what respect is (I will be revamping that one soon, but it is very helpful even now)
      - one about biblical submission.

      I will pray with you for both of you to hear God’s voice and to be convicted of your own sins and to be reconciled with Christ and to put Him WAY, WAY, WAY above your own desires, your needs, your hurts, your plans… and to seek Him with your whole heart. I pray you will both desire His will no matter what that will mean, and that you will seek His glory for your individual lives and your marriage.

      I am glad to hash through this stuff with you if you want someone to walk beside you on this road. :)

      You may check in with me after you read those posts and let me know what you are thinking, feeling and struggling with. I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word! :)

      Much love to you, my precious sister in Christ! I feel your pain. And I know the way out to God’s great freedom, peace, joy and abundant life! You can have this too. :)

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