Respect, Biblical Submission, and Intimacy

Married Christians CAN and SHOULD have the best sex lives on the planet.  God will show us how if we are willing to do things His way!

When God designed marriage, men, women, masculinity, femininity, romance, sex and families – He did it WISELY. And when He gives us commands about marriage, it is for our protection, good, joy and benefit in every area of our lives.

God wired men to respond to respect, admiration, faith and trust of their wives.  And He wired us to feel attracted to our husbands when we respect them, too.  It’s a win/win!  I have seen this time and time again – when the wife begins to obey God and learn to respect her husband and step down out of control, sexual intimacy often heats up.  It makes total sense!

The more feminine I am – in appearance, in attitude (gentle, respectful, trusting, admiring, cooperative, peaceful, not giving way to fear), in behavior – the more masculine my husband feels – and the greater the attraction!

**  If you have active infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse, a history of sexual abuse, uncontrolled mental conditions, physical abuse in your marriage – please find a godly, experienced Christian counselor/pastor ASAP and get help!
It can take TIME, like months, a year, or longer for marriages to heal sometimes.  The timing and the results are in God’s hands. It is our job to honor what the Lord asks us to do on our end.
Note – We speak about “biblical submission” and respecting our husbands in this post. But what we are talking about is NOT BDSM or CDD. It is also not slavery or abuse of any kind. It is simply a wife’s willingness to honor her husband as the God-given head of the home. It is God’s design for marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33 (and other passages of scripture) and it goes along with a husband loving his wife selflessly and unconditionally as he portrays the love of Jesus for the church and the wife portrays the way the church relates to Jesus with honor, respect, and love. For more info, please check out these two posts below and the links at the bottom of the page. This topic can easily be dangerously misunderstood. And in our culture, the word, “submission,” tends to mean “Fifty Shades of Gray,” slavery, or a doormat. That is NOT at all what we are describing here. We are also not talking about a man acting like a selfish tyrant. Godly leadership, by the Lord’s definition, is about humility, selflessness, and being servant-hearted.
Spiritual Authority
A Husband’s and Wife’s Authority in Marriage


Wife 1:

I had realized that I was still trying to control that aspect of things and realized that I was literally tensing up. Once I mentally and physically relaxed, it was quite a difference for the better.  Things have never lacked in that dept, but I did find that I wasn’t as excited as I used to be in the earlier years, but my attitude has gone a long way to change that and make it “new” again. :)

Wife 2:

Since being married, I have always viewed sex as an inconvenience.   Like something I HAD to do, but if it was up to me I could go my whole life without it. I enjoy it once it gets going, but the getting started is just too much trouble and I’m usually too tired at the end of the day. And a lot of the time it would actually get on my nerves!!
WELL, I have been following your advice about submission and respect strictly for the past 4 weeks and in the last week the change in my husband is huge!!

He’s sweet, tender, affectionate and considerate of my feelings!! I have also noticed that I…..get in the mood easier/faster and enjoy it more. And where usually once I have done my “duty” (that’s how I used to look at it) I would look forward to not being bothered about it for a few days. I actually catch myself thinking about having sex with my husband during the day, and for the first time since we’ve been married– we had sex 2 nights in a row.

This has been an amazing week!!

I had get to where I will still submit and respect him even if he never changes. And I do it out of obedience to God, not to change him. It’s like the moment I decided that, the atmosphere in our home and marriage changed. I don’t feel like I’m doing much different, but I think it’s my countenance behind my actions that is different. Does that make sense?  It’s an amazing revelation once it sinks in. And it’s very powerful too!!

I have such a peace and feel great!!

Wife 3:

Our marriage was strained before God changed my heart; there was a lot of unspoken struggles going on between us. There was an obvious tension in the air.
Realizing and accepting God’s plan for my role in our marriage was like the missing piece to the puzzle. I struggled for a while, since submission definitely does not come naturally, but once I trusted God and let go, it was as if I was free. Free of the weight of the burden I had been trying to carry, and free to love my husband in the way God intended.
When I stepped into my role in our marriage, my husband gladly stepped forward into the leader position of our family. He was able to look at me as an equal partner rather than his competition. He became the man of the house in every sense of the word. He now pursues me like he did when we were dating. He is tender and loving toward me now that he no longer feels that his manhood is being threatened. His confidence is much higher because he knows that I support him 100%. I have always had a strong sexual desire for my husband, but in the beginning of our marriage, I would often find myself feeling emotionally unfulfilled after sex. I believe allowing God to fulfill my emotional needs and aligning my marriage plan with His has changed that completely.
The book “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs talks a lot about the cycle of how once a man’s desire to be respected is filled, he will desire to show love toward his wife. This translates well into the bedroom! A submissive, respecting & loving wife is very feminine and sexy to a man. And a man who is confident and knows his wife loves him (remember: to a man, respect equals love!) is eager to please her in every way.
I won’t beat around the bush – our sex life is red hot!!! My husband knows I have his full confidence, so there is a deep trust which allows us to intimately connect inside the bedroom & out. And as I said, he pursues me on a daily basis – he can hardly walk by without touching me, and I love it! I can tell you it has less to do with my outward appearance (like most moms, I look different now that I have had children!) but more to do with the change that has taken place in my heart. (See 1 Peter 3:3-4)
He feels safe with me, and I feel safe with him; so I feel free to be uninhibited during sex, which makes it more enjoyable for both of us.

Wife 4:

We usually don’t go for a long time without sex – even before I followed God’s guidelines to biblical submission. I admit, though, that for me there were times when I think, ok when are we done with this? NOW, however, it is just amazing – for me and for him. We went away for our anniversary recently so we were alone, no children, romantic setting, no time constraints… and I can’t go into details because this isn’t THAT kind of blog- but it was WOW for both of us.  The only thing that is preventing us from repeating that experience more often is our children and him starting work at 4am and me working until 6pm and both being tired at the end of the day. So we wait (not so patiently) for the weekend.

I asked my husband what he wants for Valentine’s Day (thinking tangible present wise) and he simply said, a repeat of that amazing bedroom time during our little getaway.

Wife 5:

I am very new to this, as you know 🙂 but in the past I have found, sadly, that my husband has been the most attracted to me sexually when I have been unwell or hurting from something and he has to hold me or comfort me with words. It struck me this week, the reason that has been happening is because it was the only time I showed my vulnerability and needed his strength. The only really sad thing is it was times like these I was closest to my children and we also loved in a new level during those times, I was dependent on someone else to take care of things because I couldn’t. I was soft and grateful and and gentle.
How amazing it will be as this transforming of my mind and our roles happen that he will get to see that real me without the need for illness or personal hurt :). We are only one week into this and my husband can’t keep his hands from touching my shoulder, arm, holding me when I am standing at the counter, waking me every morning with, “Hello, beautiful wife of mine!”

Maybe because I am in that quiet phase and he’s not fighting to be heard.
I never realised how much I have missed as to how my children and husband look, when you look into their eyes and listen, they really have beautiful faces.
Obeying God works, even if it means dying to some old junk.

Wife 7:

I just wanted to share something with you, that as a Christian woman, I did NOT expect to happen in my marriage.

I didn’t expect to feel so free. I didn’t expect to feel so weightless. I didn’t expect to feel so secure and happy. I didn’t lose myself, I feel like I have FINALLY found myself!

To have him firmly take charge of the family has given me the most delicious peace I have ever felt. And, most surprising of all, I didn’t expect it all to be so wildly erotic! I am not kidding! It’s crazy, but I wish the “older women” who are supposed to be teaching the “younger women” would have mentioned that somewhere along the line!

Now that my husband knows he is the leader in our family, he has become a new man. He stands taller. His confidence has shot up. He is more…..ruggedly masculine. He is sexier! He is flexing his power, and finding that it’s good, for both of us! He is more relaxed, and so am I.

When I think back to how our love life changed, when I was constantly putting him down, demanding, rude… it totally killed both my libido, and his. No wonder! Somewhere along the line I think that a lot of Christian men (and women) got the idea that “good guys” are wimps. Nothing is further from the truth. In my mind, there is no true goodness without strength. And nothing makes me go weak in the knees like MY man, secure in his God-given strength, in his proper place as MAN of our house! Talk about make a girl swoon! Lol.

God knew that what a women truly wanted and needed was a strong man, stronger than her, strong enough to not be pushed around by her, strong but GOOD. I gladly entrust myself to such a man.

It’s the craziest thing, but I feel more complete, more feminine, more ME than I ever did when I was fighting him for control all the time. I look back now and wonder if I was so busy fighting for crumbs, that I missed the feast God had for me all along.

Wife 8:


Thanks so much for your most recent posts about our attitude toward sex in our marriages!  What a difference they have made for me ~ and in just a few days!!! My hubby and I have been married for nearly 9 years, and we went through a “Marriage for Life” class through our past church while we were newlyweds … so we immediately were taught the differences between men and women, our differing roles and how blessed these differences are. I immediately understood his need for the physical, and he immediately understood my need for the emotional. As we’ve grown in our faith and spent more and more time in the Word, we’ve learned so much about not depriving one another. So, out of love for my husband, even if I didn’t necessarily ‘feel like it’, there were times I would “submit to his needs.” Ugh, just saying that sounds so … well, sterile I guess. LOL.

But, I thought I was loving him and being submissive to his needs in this, but I know he could tell when I really wasn’t “into” it, and him being a most unselfish husband, I know that his desire is to please me and how hurtful it must have been for him in those moments that I was merely fulfilling my “wifely duty.”  Double ugh … since reading your posts and learning more about how respecting my husband really looks, I am understanding that my desire for him is directly linked to my respect and ADMIRATION of him.

So, in the last couple of weeks I’ve committed to dolling up for him (almost daily now), giving him a kiss when he walks in the door from work and being available to him, and I hug him longer and tighter, and walk over and give him a random kiss for no reason. And for the past few days, I have been receptive to his advances without inhibition and with gladness and joy (even some playful initiation) … and I’ve noticed that just being more available to him has created a refreshed desire for him in me and I find myself anticipating our next encounter.

WOW ~ submission really is better than Viagra!


The Peaceful Wife book has a section on respect and sex

Posts about biblical submission

What Is Respect in Marriage?

What Speaks Disrespect to Husbands?

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected and Unloved

23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again