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My Husband Blamed Me for ALL of the Problems in Our Marriage – by the Satisfied Wife

ADMIN NOTE:

I am going to be spending as much time as possible with my grandmother who is in her final days or hours this week. I will respond to comments when I am able to. Thanks for your patience and prayers for my family.  I would especially appreciate if some Titus 2 ladies might jump in to help encourage our hurting, struggling sisters as they feel led by the Lord. – April

My apologies for the issue with the last post that went out on email this morning – please ignore it.

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A guest post by Satisfied Wife about how to evaluate this issue with a husband who tends to blame his wife for all of the problems in the marriage:

If we try to go off of our own perceptions in life, we will most likely be found to have made some errors. However, if we look to God and His Word, we will not find error, and we can trust His Word to speak truth to us in any situation.

Here are some things that the Bible says about ALL people:

  • There is NO ONE righteous, not even one (Romans 3:10)
  • All of us like sheep have gone astray, Each of us has turned to his own way; But the LORD has caused the iniquity of us all To fall on Him. (Is. 53:6)
  • For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23)

The place to start when trying to figure out what or who might be the one with the issue in the marriage is the fact that no one is righteous apart from CHRIST.

The Bible also says some things about judging others:

  • “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Romans 7:1-5)
  • Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor? (James 4:11-12)
  • Therefore you have no excuse, O man, every one of you who judges. For in passing judgment on another you condemn yourself, because you, the judge, practice the very same things. We know that the judgment of God rightly falls on those who practice such things. Do you suppose, O man—you who judge those who practice such things and yet do them yourself—that you will escape the judgment of God? (Romans 2:1-3)
  • For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.” (1 Cor. 5:12-13)

I see that it is ok to judge MYSELF (asking the Holy Spirit to shine the truth of His light into my heart) and to make sure my heart and life is right and aligned with God’s will. Unless I do this FIRST, I will NOT be able to clearly see what is going on in my marriage – whether I have an issue, or if the toxicity is coming from my husband. When you are in the middle of a marriage relationship where you are trying all you can to change, and seek God, and get your side right, and you may even see progress over time –  it is much much harder to figure out what is going on if you are being blamed for ALL the issues in the marriage, no matter what you do.

STEP BACK AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE BEING BLAMED FOR

Me personally, when I found myself spinning in circles trying to figure out what is wrong with me all the time – and trying to uncover some hidden sin that was causing me to feel like a total failure in my marriage – most times, the Lord led me gently back to the truth about what was really going on in my marriage, and He showed me that I was taking blame for things that were NOT my problem.

If my husband is blaming me for:

  • His bad moods
  • His irresponsible choices (for work, quitting jobs, etc.)
  • His unhealthy sleeping patterns/eating patterns
  • Him not taking ANY time for himself to seek God/rest
  • His harsh, critical, or condemning words towards me
  • His discontentment in life
  • His inability to trust me (when there is absolutely NO reason for him not to)
  • His insecurities
  • His fear
  • His inability to lead our family
  • His withdrawing from me
  • His physical sinful attitudes/actions toward me
  • His inability to love me

Then, in my experience, God has had to show me that I am only responsible for MY own:

  • Choices
  • Behaviors
  • Attitudes
  • Decisions
  • Emotional/spiritual well-being
  • Words/how I treat others
  • Contentment

When once the Lord led me back to this truth that I am no responsible for my husband’s life, choices, attitudes, behaviors, etc…. – I was able to let go of all the weight of carrying blame for things that did not belong to me! I still had some things that WERE my issue and when the Lord shows me my own sin — I repent immediately. No one is perfect.

So the key for me was to first realize that it is often not just either me or my husband – there is most likely sin on both sides.

But then, when once the Lord opens my eyes to my OWN sin—and I REPENT – that is when I am able to see clearly if I am being blamed for things that do not belong to me. When I am allowing God to reveal the truth to me, I am able to discern when my husband is blaming me. And at this point, my evaluation of that is what leads me to find freedom in Christ, and I am able to step back and focus on my own life, and God, and not allow the blame darts to hit any part of me any longer, because once I know the truth, the truth sets me free.

I think evaluating in a godly way has to do with looking at my own life, repenting of any sin, and then being able to see clearly what I am being blamed for. When I can see that it is NOT my responsibility to:

  • Make my husband happy
  • Fix his irresponsible choices
  • Fix his sin issues
  • Mother him
  • Give him security in life/marriage in ways that only God can
  • Meet the deepest needs of his soul

Then I am free to step back and pray, and allow God to work in my husband’s life and heart, while not subjecting myself to inappropriate blame any longer.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

We must weigh criticisms and rebukes against us in the light of God’s Word by the power of His Spirit. Then we can receive any rebuke that is true and repent of our own sin but we can also reject any rebuke or criticism that is from the enemy and that is not true. Reminder – we can have reverence for God, respect for ourselves (right biblical thinking about ourselves), and appropriate respect for our husbands all that the same time. We must have all of these things going on in proper balance.

RELATED:

“Do You Think Women Are Always to Blame for Problems in Marriage?” – Peacefulwife responds to a concern from a reader

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships

Approaching My Husband’s Sin Issues – by LMSdaily

25 Ways to Respect Myself (or to think rightly about myself)

25 Ways to Show Real Respect for Your Husband

25 Ways to Reverence God

How to Have a Saving Relationship with Christ

Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced

119 thoughts on “My Husband Blamed Me for ALL of the Problems in Our Marriage – by the Satisfied Wife

  1. Wow. Thank you my husband has been in this pattern of blaming me. It was good initially cuz God ripped a lot of sin outa me! But then I would feel guilty all the time for the past issues that he kept bringing up of “my Sin” that he supposedly forgave. I finally said I’m done believing your lies -I’m not 100% responsible for our problems-Stop blaming me for everything. He has stopped the big blames and continues to blame shift the little subtle things that I need to NOT react to. Thank you for reminder that this is HIS responsibility. Not saying you should say it like I did. –I could have used a lot more grace!!!

  2. I’m in the same situation as Carla. He blames me daily for everything and won’t take any responsibility for his actions. So taking it to God is what I do, but it doesn’t stop the blame game from him. So I wait on God. In his timing. I’m working on me!

  3. Carla & Tina,

    A lot of times the Lord will use our husbands to tell us if there is any sin on our end that needs to be dealt with so it is definitely important to take what they say and see what the Lord is saying to our heart about it first. And then if we deal with that and are trusting in the Spirit of God in us to conform us to Christ and we are counting our self and our whole natural man dead (Romans 6), and we are seeking to follow Christ and His voice leading us inwardly, then He will be able to empower us to respond in godly ways and allow His Life in us to shine forth to all around us!

    The main thing is to realize that we are only responsible for ourselves, and although it is necessary to evaluate if what they are saying might be true and a real issue, sometimes what they are saying and blaming us for is coming out of their own un-dealt with bitterness, resentment, and anger.

    I pray that you both might be strengthened with might by the Spirit so that you will be able to follow Christ in any and all situations! 🙂

    Love,
    Amanda

  4. Ultimately, the blame game is a tactic of the enemy. We see it first right from the beginning after the Fall – neither Adam nor Eve took responsibility and owned their sin.

    It helps me to remember that my husband is truly being used by the enemy when he chooses to shift the blame to me instead of looking at his part. And, it can be very confusing. It took me years to get untangled from the blame that my husband used against me in various ways all throughout our marriage. I’m thankful God opened my eyes and helped me to see the difference. And, I’m hopeful that this will be a good thing to stand up and refuse to take blame when it’s not mine to be had. Because truth is a powerful weapon against spiritual darkness.

    I see shame wrapped up in all of this, too…Adam and Eve were ashamed, they knew they were guilty. But, the lies of the enemy kept coming at them at that point and to them, it was a better choice to blame than let the shame lead them to true repentance.

  5. This is what I am struggling with as I type. I’ve done a lot of work to put to bed the sinning I was doing to make my marriage thrive, however as I’ve made efforts, I can see all the things my husband blames me for that aren’t my fault (directly caused by coworkers, family, etc). I feel I get the worst of him and act as a personal dumping ground for his frustrations whether it’s related to the marriage or not. I am at the end of my rope as I am tired of being made the enemy and disrespected so much. I am struggling to not defend myself to his every blame and be more peaceful and content in christ. I am at the point where I don’t even look forward to being around my husband each day. 🙁

    It takes so much of my energy I see myself internalizing his bitterness for me and it comes out toward my children or family. I’m just not at a good place right now in my marriage and wish he would also see that it takes two to tango.

    1. Amarie,
      I am so sorry that you are having to go through this! Certainly no one wants to be on that end of things especially if they are unaware that they are being blamed for things that are not theirs. At the same time, as you said, bitterness can be what is behind it all and it is coming out of your husband because he has not dealt with that bitterness.

      When I was on the other end in the past, I came to the point where I just realized that I’m not responsible for my husband in any of the mentioned ways, and anytime he would say something bitter or blaming me for something that belonged to him, I would just say, “I’m not responsible for X”….. and he had enough knowledge to know that was the truth and would leave it at that. He has also called me out on this several times 🙂 And we have grown together in realizing that we are not responsible for each other’s lives/happiness/choices/behaviors, etc.

      All in all, it is very simple to just realize that in Christ, there is no condemnation, and if you are being blamed for things you know are just not true, then you really don’t need to worry about those things, and instead, you can rest in Christ and seek to be filled with His Spirit and empowered to respond in a godly way to any blame or bitterness.

      Is your husband in Christ?

      If he is not, then it may also be helpful to realize that if he is not in Christ, then he is being powered by satan.

      Here to talk,
      Amanda

      1. I am also going through problems similar to Amarie’s.

        My husband hates his job (which he will be quitting in the next few months after I get my degree and a job while he goes back to school) and tells me that he is unhappy a lot of the time. He is moody (I never know if he’s going to be in an “alright” mood or if he is going to be rude), complains a lot (about the house, financial issues), and frequently withdraws from me when I try to touch or love on him. The only time I feel intimate with him is in bed.

        He isn’t a good communicator and would rather walk away from problems and stay angry. He is not in Christ. His grandparents always invite us to church without pushing and my daughter and I often go without him. We have been to couples’ counseling for a year through the church and I feel that I have grown so much as an individual and with my own walk with Christ. We have resolved many of our problems but his attitude just gets worse.

        I feel that I have a wonderful life and I’m thankful every day for it; the only times I feel sad are when he is around and being disrespectful. He always blames me for things and brings up the way I used to act 3 years ago. I’m aware that I can’t fix his problems nor am I the cause of them, but I’m having the hardest time feeling happy with our relationship. I want more for us. When I turn to God I feel relief but I wish that my husband would be there for me also. I feel that I am the only one that cares about our relationship and it’s exhausting. Any time that I am dealing with stresses in my life I feel that I can’t turn to him because he doesn’t care. He is emotionally paralyzed. I don’t know what to do anymore.

        1. Jorden,

          It sounds to me like your husband is going through his own hard time at the moment, and like the things that he is doing and saying are coming out of his own bitterness and unhappiness, etc. in his life. Especially since he is not in Christ, it would most certainly be impossible for him to view life from a Heavenly standpoint.

          I often ask ladies what they want out of their marriage?

          Do you want something just for yourself such as the emotional connection, friendship, love, etc.?

          If that is all you want, or anything like that, then what I want to say is that our marriage is not about us or what we want. When we are in Christ, our whole life shifts from what we want, to what the Lord wants!

          It would be ideal for all husbands to live out their love for us like Christ, and for the wives to live out their love for the husband in submission and respect—but that is not what we see in most marriages today.

          I have learned in my own marriage that the reason I was so discontent all the time and the reason my husband and I were always at each others throats was because I wanted something for myself in the marriage.

          The Lord showed me the real meaning of the Cross, and He showed me that my marriage is to be had and lived purely for the Lord’s interests and nothing else. I am to represent the Church in my marriage by submitting to my husband and respecting Him, not matter what that costs to me personally.

          I have also learned that no matter what my husband is doing, I can be content and joyful in the Lord as I focus not on myself or my husband, but Christ!

          It is all about CHRIST! We learn to be conformed to the image of Christ through these marriage issues if we allow the Spirit of God to be Lord of our lives!

          You are more than welcome to check out some of my posts on satisfiedwife.com about this issue!

          Love,
          Amanda

  6. Unrelated to the post itself, but I think it’s really sweet how you used a biracial couple for the picture at the top! My boyfriend and I are a biracial couple, so I especially liked the picture. 🙂

    Love,
    Flower

    1. Flower,

      That is awesome! The Bible says that in Christ there is no more Jew or Greek and in this case “white” or otherwise whatever the race may be! 🙂 All One in Christ! Amen!

      Love,
      Amanda

      1. Apparently, Moses` second wife was black, a `Cushite woman“, cush means black. And if I am remembering my OT correctly, I think it was Miriam who spoke against Mosès for having a black wife and did she ever get in serious doo doo over it.

        1. Lil Sheep,

          Yes, you are correct! God struck Miriam with leprosy because she spoke against Moses’ dark skinned wife and she stayed that way until Moses prayed to God to heal her.

  7. I’m a husband who is going through a divorce right now. I found April when I was seeking help for my marriage and her blog, videos and book has been a God send to me. Every person has a different story and It’s true that the blame should be accepted by each person, but in most cases it’s not. In my search to get my marriage back on track, I found so many things in the Bible about being a loving Christian and that’s what God wants from all of us; to love one another as He loved us. I’m going to share a letter from my soon to be ex-wife which shows that I tried to do the right thing, but the spirit of rebellion was strong. Even after she wrote the following letter, she still couldn’t change. I have a peace now about moving on with my life but its hard because I love my step-daughters so much. I hope this post can help someone.

    My Dear Husband,

    On March 30, 2007, God ushered into my life the vessel that he desired to use to restore the pieces of my shattered life. He sent me YOU! It seemed unreal, and I felt so undeserving. Could it be real? Had God REALLY sent me the LOVE OF MY LIFE? Was God REALLY about to take away all of my stress, worry, anxiety, every weight that was plaguing my life in every way? The answer, without a doubt, was “YES”! God had smiled on me. My time had come. The final chapter began to be written–day by day, minute by minute. My broken pieces were mending….because God gave me you!
    During the nine years that followed, I tried to rely on what I had been inadequately taught over the years to play out my role as YOUR wife. I thought the things that I was doing, the way I carried myself, the things I said, the way I behaved were enough to keep you happy. Not once did I ever believe I was doing anything wrong; contrary to God’s Word. I could have not been more wrong. While it was true that I was doing many things that were pleasing to you, I didn’t realize that the biggest thing you NEEDED and WANTED from me and the children was our REVERENCE and RESPECT. I didn’t realize over the years ALL THE WAYS that our lack of true reverence and respect were manifesting themselves and destroying the marriage and family that GOD GAVE US. My attitude–whether subtle or blatant, my tone–which could appear negative at times, my words–whether intentional or not, my actions–that didn’t line up with your plan for the family, my behaviors–questionable at times…were all forms of disrespect, and I didn’t even realize it.
    When you began showing my various forms of disrespect, I wasn’t receptive; still leaning on my understanding rather than God’s Word. I believed I was “doing it right”. I was resistant to what you were saying, and I KNEW I didn’t need to change a thing. Things got worse. Tension built within the family. It was obvious we were on a downward spiral, and STILL I couldn’t accept my role and responsibility in the demise of the marriage GOD HAD GIVEN ME. What I began looking at as controlling was actually you trying to establish a solid foundation for the family that God wanted us to have. I wasn’t “getting it”. I felt some of the requests were unfair, harsh, mean, and just downright wrong. I voiced this over and over; again….WRONG! I made it clear through my words and actions that I WAS NOT GOING TO BE CONTROLLED; not realizing that my failure to surrender my will to God and to the HUSBAND HE GAVE ME made me the most cantankerous, debating, quarrelsome wife ever. I WAS OUT OF GOD’S WILL AND PLAN FOR MARRIAGE. I began feeling that, because of some of the “demands”, you didn’t care about my happiness; that you didn’t truly love me; that you were only concerned about having your way and having things done your way. I could not have been more wrong.
    Then you began sending me scriptures and websites to visit in an effort to see that I was not moving in line with God’s Word in regards to marriage. I wasn’t receptive. Something in me would not allow me to open up and accept a different, more Godly way, of looking at marriage. THINGS GOT WORSE. I felt myself beginning to “not care” because it seemed that nothing I could do was correct. When I thought I had it right, I didn’t. So I gave up trying. I decided that no matter what I did or didn’t do, you had become unhappy and no longer wanted to be married to me. So, when God led you to April Cassidy as a means to save the sinking ship, I had closed down. I had shut out any desire to receive any more information. I HAD FAILED, and the worst part about it was I didn’t feel like the marriage could ever be restored. I convinced myself that you had already began looking for other women; even allowing myself to believe that you were seeing them on trips out of town. This, of course, caused a further retreat within my box of not caring.
    Fast forward to July 2015….the end had come. My lack of reverence and respect had caused your frustration and anger to boil over. We had to separate. It was inevitable. Things COULD NOT continue to go the way they were going. It was unhealthy for both of us and the children. So came the move. The move was supposed to be the complete end to the disaster that my inability to surrender completely to God’s Word in regards to my husband had caused in our marriage. It was tough, tears were shed, skepticism set in. This couldn’t really be happening.
    During this time of separation, God has continued to use you to speak to my areas of weakness as it relates to our marriage. At first, I was still unreceptive, and then one day, as if the Holy Spirit was standing by my bed in the flesh, I heard him say, “Get yourself together, and get your husband back. I gave him to you.” I immediately fell out of bed, onto my knees, and with tears streaming down my face, and my heart surrendered, I repented to God for ALL OF THE SINS I HAD COMMITTED AGAINST GOD, AGAINST MY HUSBAND, AND AGAINST MY MARRIAGE. I had caused this demise, and God was revealing it to me. I knew that I had to begin to correct what had been wrong from Day 1. I had to begin changing the things that had made you feel so disrespected for so many years. I started right away; studying the scriptures, reading the books, watching the videos. GOD HAD BEGUN MY TRANSFORMATION.
    I said all of this to get to the point where I need to be in this letter:
    O’rion,
    For EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, that I have done or allowed to be done to make you feel unappreciated, unloved, disrespected, and neglected, I AM SO SORRY. I have repented to God, and now I am repenting to you. I have been wrong in the way that I have carried myself as your wife, and it has caused you much hurt and distress. I AM SORRY. You have given so much to make sure life for the girls and me is amazing. You continue to do so; even in separation. I realize now how my lack of submission to God’s Word and to you have caused you to feel the way you do. I ask you to forgive me. My desire is to make you smile, to be your biggest supporter, to give you something to look forward to, to be all that you desire in a wife and a friend. For every unkind word, disrespectful action, debate, cantankerous behavior, rebellion, stubbornness, and unwilling to bend on what I thought was right, I APOLOGIZE TO YOU..PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

    All my love,

    1. O’Rion,

      Thank you for sharing with us this personal letter from your wife. But I have to ask, as it seems she truly had an opened eye to all of the disrespect and things…… and as you have said that she still “failed to change”—— did she have a time limit to change???

      If my husband was expecting me to change over night he would have divorced me by now too, but he knows how much he is in need of the grace of God just as much as I am in need, and therefore we would never give up on each other in this marriage. It is a life long journey of being conformed to the image of Christ…… and if our spouse and us are both In Christ…then we are to see each other as only in the Lord and not after the flesh….for if we look at each other in the flesh with all our weaknesses, we will surely be discouraged and the devil will have a field day and play on us in both directions.

      Also you say you have learned that we are to love as Christ has loved us—- Christ does not get offended by our failures, and THANK THE LORD FOR THAT! Or we would all be cast away forever and ever!

      But thanks be to God, it is not what WE ARE IN OURSELVES…it is what CHRIST IS in US that counts in God’s eyes! And if that is how we are to love our spouses, then I don’t see how there could be no grace left for a spouse who is just not changing fast enough!!!!

      I don’t profess to know all the details of your life or situation, but am merely responding to what you have shared!

      Blessings,
      Amanda

      1. After 5 years of trying, separation and this letter nothing changed, It got worse. There was not a time limit but there was a human limit. When it started to effect my mental and physical health, I had to make a decision. With prayer, I believe I’ve made the right decision. God has given me peace about moving on.

        1. O’rion, I am so sorry to hear of your upcoming divorce. It is so very hard for anyone here to know all that is going on in your life, and I pray that the Lord will lead you and that you will listen to His leading through this time.

          I do want to say that there is nothing in that letter that sounds like a spirit of rebellion. If anything it sounds completely the opposite, it sounds genuine and humble. It sounds like she is genuinely trying to be open and truthful with her own flaws. There are many husbands to whom a letter like that would be a huge breakthrough.

          In Christ, HH

          1. I agree with HH. I have written letters to my husband and no matter what I say it has not brought him home. He tells me to change from here.. if i tell him about a scripture I found or anything else. He doesn’t hear me. I would give anything for a second chance to show him I can be a peaceful wife. I was trying before he left. I don’t want a divorce. Love your wives in an understanding way…..we are the weaker vessels. No one person is perfect.

        2. O’RION,

          I understand what you are saying, but at the same time, I wonder if your wife has tried and tried to no avail and has given up? I’ve been there too in my experience. I was so worn out and dragged down by the satanic thought that if I didn’t change soon enough, my husband was going to leave me. I almost just gave up because I kept messing up and he kept pointing it out to me over and over. There was no hope for me in that cycle.

          Were you constantly pointing out your wife’s mistakes and imperfections?

          In my experience, it wasn’t until the Lord showed me the true meaning of the Cross, that my natural life and self is completely put away in the Cross of Christ, dead with Him in that death, and I have been raised to new life in Christ……

          Until I saw that I could do NOTHING in myself….. I was a hopeless case as well, and I had plenty of reminders from my husband that I wasn’t changing at all.

          But then the Lord did start to change me for real, and if or when my husband said I was not changing, I knew it was a lie and I reminded him that it was a life long journey so if he wasn’t willing to bear with me in love, the front door was always there. That was his choice. And I suppose it was your choice after all.

          Forbearing one another in love is what the word says….I don’t see anywhere where it says to divorce your wife because she is not changing at all or in the way you want her to or in the time you want her to.

          I’m sorry that this is what you have chosen, as I believe all things are possible with God. Marriage is supposed to be for life. But our selfish desires often get in the way of that commitment and if things aren’t going how we want them to go, we want to just get out or give up. But I would seriously consider if that is honoring the Lord or not. I do not believe the Lord would ever lead a true man of God to divorce his wife who is also in Christ just because she is not changing the way he wants her to.

          Maybe I am misunderstanding the situation, if so, my apologies.

          Blessings,
          Amanda

    2. O’Rion,

      Only God knows all the details, but as I read this letter, I see a lot of hurt in your wife before she got to the point of her apology. I hear a lot of language of “giving up” that sounds like she couldn’t make you happy.

      I know for myself that my husband’s lack of concern for my opinion and lack of valuing my voice in the marriage doesn’t help me want to submit to him at all. Which we could all debate about where the line is on that….

      But, I do hope that your wife felt valued as your partner, that she felt loved as Christ loves the Church – that she wasn’t just a wife who was “under your authority” and should submit to your ways all the time.

      If she didn’t, then I believe (or rather know) she is very hurt also and is probably praying for God to open your eyes to your role in the demise of the marriage.

      I’m sorry, brother….these things are just so hard. I pray God will do a mighty work in the restoration of your marriage.

  8. Wow! How timely…I just came out of another round of my husband blaming me for everything that is going on, and I actually was gracefully able to speak the truth and walked away when it became rude. It is hard to see him so lost and so set in running away from facing his own stuff. He actually got angry when I didn’t react and even smiled, because I felt empowered to stand for myself being treated with respect and if that doesn’t happen to walk away!

    He now sees that he cannot get to me any longer with his threats and his way of being. I continually extend grace to let him know that I am still his wife, but I no longer tolerate how he treats me. It is so scary and hard to confront the enemy within…he has run away from it all his life, and if he chooses to do it again, I cannot stop him. It is not my job to stop him… only God can change his heart, all I can do is work on my stuff and continue to confront my sin and work on improving me.

    I really feel a lot of compassion for him, but I cannot take on all of his sin on top of mine… I pray for him, act gracefully and lovingly toward him, and ultimately he is in God’s hand. He sees the big picture and he knows the outcome. All I can do is strengthen my relationship with the one that is in charge, and fine tune my listening ears, to make sure that I hear His voice clearly. Surrender all of me, all of my life and wellbeing to Him, and trust that I am first and foremost doing everything for His glory!

    Sometimes people are so focused on finding problems, that that is all they will ever see. There will always be shortcomings, mistakes, misinterpretations, etc…. we all fall short, so unless we are willing to extend grace like God has done for us (while we are sinners), we will be blind to all that is good and right. That’s why Paul urges us to look at all the good that is there, (Phillippians 4.8) instead of dwelling on the wrongdoings:

    “Finally, bretheren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be ANY virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

    Continuing on the journey, one step at a time…

    A Lifetime Learner

    1. Lifetime Learner,

      Thank you for sharing your experience with us all! I sense the Spirit of God in all that you are learning and I pray you will continue to put to practice all that the Lord has been showing you!!! 🙂

      There is a lot of spiritual value in all that you are experiencing, and I pray you will not rest until you have got it all!!!!

      Love,
      Amanda

      1. Thank you, Amanda…things are looking bleak, but that means that I need to keep a more focused eye on the Lord! I am at the point to just turn it all over to God, because I cannot carry the burden alone even for one minute… without Him, I would be in deep despair, but with him, I can prepare for whatever outcome it will be… only the Lord can open my husband’s eyes, and it is in his timing whether that is going to happen and how! Addiction is a powerful thing!

        Thank you for your loving support! I always appreciate it!

        1. A LifetimeLearner,

          I believe you are hearing the Lord correctly when He says to turn your eyes to Him!!! and HIM ALONE!!! That is what our life is all about—Christ! Not our marriage or anything on this earth—– it is all about CHRIST to represent Him in all things and all ways! He is our Source of life!

          You can not go wrong when your heart and mind are focused solely on the Lord!!! 🙂

          Love,
          Amanda

  9. When you say “Then I am free to step back and pray, and allow God to work in my husband’s life and heart, while not subjecting myself to inappropriate blame any longer.”

    What does that look like? You obviously have set boundaries, but how do you enforce those boundaries and honor them? When you are being Blamed, the blamer is usually angry if you don’t take responsibility, so how do you show Grace and love to them when you feel hurt by the blame? How do you move towards positive communication habits or reconciliation in an environment that feels toxic?

    1. Kay,

      What it looked like for me is for example, after I laid down my boundaries which I clearly told my husband that if he did not speak to me respectfully on the phone for instance, I would no longer carry on the conversation and would be getting off the phone. So if or when he would say something inappropriate on the phone, I stuck to my boundaries by simply saying: “Well, I have to go, talk to you later! love you bye” and I would hang up.

      I got to a point that if my husband were to blame anything on me, I would simply just say “that’s not true”. And be done with it in conversation or whatever it was. I wouldn’t get upset or lose my cool, I would simply dismiss it and wait for him to let it go.

      What I have learned honestly is that most times me and my husband were not seeing eye to eye about something and blaming each other for it, it was all a big huge misunderstanding on both of our parts!

      He took what I said the wrong way or vice versa.
      He assumed something or vice versa.

      It was all a big misunderstanding and then we both caught onto the fact that the devil was behind it all!

      For example, one morning, my husband’s alarm didn’t go off and we made it to work in the nick of time—- well he told me later on that day that the devil tried to plant thoughts in his mind saying “Amanda didn’t set my alarm on purpose, this is her fault”….He literally heard that thought, and thankfully recognized it as the devil’s voice, and he dismissed it and didn’t let that thought take any place in his heart.

      See how this works?

      So now, it is like that for us, and we are able to atleast talk about anything like this and come to the bottom of it all if there are any misunderstandings or assumptions!

      Honestly, what moved us forward past all this stuff was us BOTH realizing that the devil was behind all our issues and that the devil wanted to keep us divided in any way he could. Once we both realize this, we have been able to stay united and not allow for anything to come between us for longer than a few minutes, if at all!

      It took me to realize what the Cross of Christ actually means in terms of how it put to death my entire natural self, and now I am a new creation in Christ, and therefore it is not longer about ME or what I want or what I think…it is what God wants, what He thinks, and I am no longer living to please my own interests, but I am out to learn what Christ is and what He wants for me and my marriage, and on that ground I have been able to move forward, realizing when I am being selfish in any way or allowing things to come between my and my husband that shouldn’t, etc.

      I hope this helps but I am here to talk! 🙂

      Love,
      Amanda

      1. Hi Amanda,

        Yes that was helpful. I guess I feel stuck. Stuck because I’ve set boundaries and they are violated profusely. My husband claims he’s a Christian, but will blame, minimize and ridicule my feelings, cuss and raise his voice at me, make me the reason for his actions (so for instance i am upset when he’s clearly disrespectful when he curses at me when angry about something) so when to address it, he just says it’s because of me, that if I just did what he asked or didn’t do etc, in the first place, he wouldn’t be angry and he’ll continue on. Then if I walk away or say I won’t talk with him when he’s talking that way to me, he’s angered even more and tells me I need to listen or else kind of talk.

        I’m beyond exacerbated by how long this has gone on. It used to be difficult but now I feel undone and my fuse is short. We had an awful fight the other day. And I hurt back. I’m just so hurt by him. Then there are times when he’s wonderful. I’m just so confused by how to address it. I’m seeking counsel and if needed will ask the church to intervene, but it’s all so scary and sad. Pray for me. And any advice I’d love to hear it.

        1. Kay,

          Is your husband honestly asking you to do something and you are not listening to him? and then he is getting angry because of it?

          In my experience this is exactly what I had to learn to figure out and decipher between.

          I learned that no matter what I do, my husband can’t blame me for HIS choices. That is a fact. He still can choose NOT to get angry or react, etc.

          But at the same time, the Lord also showed me that my husband was not just getting mad all the time and being crazy or anything for no reason. I had been unintentionally,unknowingly disrespecting him the whole entire time! I thought I wasn’t at all, but I was blind to it. I thought he was just being mean all the time for no reason, but I came to see that it wasn’t true.

          And it still didn’t excuse HIS choices, but until I learned to stop doing EVERYTHING that was disrespectful, things didn’t get better lol.

          Now that I see what I need to do differently, we have not had any such experiences where there is any blame or any arguing or anything like that, not like it used to be!

          So I guess what I’m saying is maybe there are some things going on that you are unknowingly or unintentionally doing that are causing him to react in this way, which is still wrong, obviously, but that is between him and the Lord.

          Please feel free to check out some of these posts because I literally went through what you are going through!

          Responding To Toxicity in Marriage

          When Is It My Turn? (This is a post from April on her other site)

          Reacting To One Another On The Ground of Christ

          The Key To Intimacy In Marriage: Accepting Your Man, As Is

          Could He Just Be Stressed?

          The Difference Between Showing Him Love & Showing Him Respect

          The Power Of Not Assuming Things!

          Please let me know if this helps at all!!! 🙂

          Love,
          Amanda

          1. Kay,

            Sorry, those posts that I put on the above comment are from my site satisfiedwife.com if you are interested or if anyone else is interested! Thanks!

    2. Kay,

      There are two people in a marriage. One can do their part and keep working on themselves, but sadly, we can’t do the work of the other party. Or maybe that’s not really sad. 🙂 We have enough to control with ourselves! But, I think you know what I mean by that.

      You can work on your side of “positive communication habits”….but this doesn’t necessarily mean your improved behavior and respect will magically make your husband behave better. You can disengage from harmful and hurtful conversation and put up healthy boundaries for yourself. But, in some cases, these boundaries will then trigger more intense sin from the other spouse. Which might lead you to have to set new boundaries. That’s the reality of some marriages.

      Sometimes, things get worse when healthy boundaries are drawn. I wish that wasn’t the case.

      True biblical reconciliation is only possible when both parties are seeing and owning their part and are willing to own it and repent and work towards healthy change/godly behavior.

      Have you read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie Vernick? I really like this book. She is clear that we need to look at our own behavior and what it might be doing to take a dysfunctional marriage down even further. So, it is not biased or one-sided. It’s very balanced, I think.

      I’m sorry for your pain and frustration. I understand.

      1. ContentinChrist,

        Yes, thank you for sharing your valued perspective here on all of this! Lord knows you have experience 🙂

        And I want to add too for Kay and anyone is that even if we get our side of things right, that doesn’t really even necessarily mean that our husbands change anything, it could just be that our whole entire perspective and attitude towards him and the situation changes! It can shift from a selfish perspective to a Christ centered one, and in that transition, our husband doesn’t necessarily change, or maybe he does stop getting defensive, etc. when disrespect is stopped, but besides that, he is still who he is, and that is what we come to see and accept and we love him for who he is, not for what he is doing or could do for us! It becomes an attitude change and we begin to change as a result and things become more peaceful because of our attitude change!

        Love,
        Amanda

        1. I agree with what you say here, Amanda….there can be a deep peace that comes even amidst a painful marriage and I think once you come to that place, you will be able to hear God clearly about what steps to take next.

          I believe the only way for me to love my husband well right now is to be separated from him (and adding onto that, I believe that boundary of separation was a boundary made in love). It was not loving to keep letting my husband use manipulation and lying to run our relationship and to just continue to provide all the benefits of a married life to him (which is what he expected – he actually expected me to be joyful and happy that he was treating me this way and to just act like all was fine in our marriage. He wanted me to never bring up any of his sin or ways that he hurt me).

          I can see how 5 weeks into my separation, I have more compassion for him and where he is spiritually. But, that doesn’t mean that compassion is driving me back to try to be reconciled fully to him. He knows I want reconciliation, but he also knows my terms (honesty in marriage) and he doesn’t seem able to give that right now. I can see this for what it is and who is behind it.

          Anyway, I just wanted to clarify for some that are in destructive type patterns in marriages that there are not always easy answers. But, the key is to find your security and identity in Christ and begin to live from truth and be willing to follow Him no matter what He calls you to do.

          1. Thank you for this, CIC. I am glad that you focused on yourself first and on allowing God to change your heart and that He has given you the wisdom and godly perspective you needed to see the boundaries you needed to set. I want to see your husband commit to and be willing to prove that he is willing to live out honesty and transparency for a period of time, as God leads you, before you get back together. I believe that separation can be necessary at times – and that it can be a critical step in healing in really toxic situations – as God leads a wife and helps her have pure motives and seek to please Him first.

            Thank you for sharing.

            Much love!

  10. Hi ladies,

    I have a difficult situation. What do you do when your husband refuses to work? He constantly says he will & wants to find a job but its been 3 months he’s out of his job that he impulsively quit & has barely looked for a new one.. he has done this ever since I’ve been married to him, just doesn’t hold a job down. I’m discouraged. I need advice on how to approach this because every way I’ve tried he always gets offended. My husband thanks doing online ministry should biblically get him out of his husband providing duties, but I really don’t feel that stands biblically and his online ministry makes no money anyways. I’m very discouraged on how to approach this but he’s being irresponsible. We just had a baby too.

    1. Confused,

      I am sorry that you are having to go through this. I actually know how you feel to some degree. My husband has always provided, but he has also chosen in the past to quit jobs out of the blue when he had enough of the drama at work, etc. In his field of work, he can quit and find another job usually no problem, so it wasn’t that big of a deal to him, but to me, I was scared everytime because I didn’t know what would happen. At one point I thought he wanted ME to work and provide for us because he would make comments about how I don’t work and stuff.

      But at the same time, every time I did apply for a job or go on an interview, he always told me not to take it because he didn’t want to not work, so maybe this story doesn’t relate exactly, but I still know how you feel either way.

      Does your husband suffer any mental health issues like ADD?

      Are you working or home raising your new baby?

      If you are not working, does your husband want you to work to provide for the family??

      Let’s start here so I can get a better understanding of the situation!

      Love,

      Amanda

      1. Hi Amanda,

        Oh no you can definetly relate than. There was a point where I was the some provider and not by choice but because he just wouldnt hold a job. We both agreed that I’d stay home once the baby was born, and I have an older daughter too. I still make some money because I live in Canada where we get child benefits but I used to make much more.

        My husband suffers depression even though he would just blame the entire world for his misery, I know he has depression and have encouraged him to seek appropriate help for it but he doesn’t want help so I’ve stopped pushing because after all it is His decision. I might add, his depression gets worse when he’s not working which prevents him from finding a new job. It’s a vicious cycle. When he does get a job, he just quits like your hubby and stays on unemployment for months before seeing the urgency to get another. It discourages me because he knows it’s the man’s responsibility to provide but feels justified if he’s preaching the gospel to people which is not biblical since even Paul worked as an example. I’m sorry to pour my heart but I’m frustrated. We have children and I’m the one worrying about everything while he acts childish. I’m trying to remove the criticism from my heart & extend grace but its difficult to do so because were not getting anywhere and I dont know how to approach this. I see conviction about it from him, but no drive to change.

        1. Confused,

          Thank you for sharing more detail about your situation! I can understand what you are going through, and I would probably feel just as you do in this situation. No one wants to see their husband go through that depression and vicious cycle. I can testify that when men are NOT working, they are much more likely to be depressed, even if they are not working NOT by choice. My husband if he gets laid off from a job NOT by choice, he still gets depressed in a sense because he wants to be working, he feels like he has no purpose if he is not working, which is totally a man thing!

          I actually relate more to you in my growing up life—I know my dad was this way growing up. He had his own construction business, but when that wasn’t booming, my mom would get anxious and worried and then go out and get a job, leaving us kids behind. My mom actually realized now that if she could do it over, she would NOT have worried and fretted and sought a job because in the midst of it all, my dad wasn’t telling her to go get a job, he was fine waiting for the next job to come around, but my mom was the scared one and she acted off of her fear.

          My dad always took care of our family and provided more than we could ever have wanted, so it wasn’t really an issue of him not wanting to work—but at the same time he never kept a “steady” job for various reasons, one of them being ADD issues as well.

          No one can tell you what to do here, this is your life.

          But what is the Lord speaking to you lately about all of this??

          That is where your answer will come from.

          Perhaps there is a lot of fear and that is what is controlling you in the time being.

          When I went through this the first time with my husband, the Lord led me to personally see that it was not for me to rush off and take over our life and provide for our family and pick up his slack in any way. It was his job and his responsibility, and I made that known to him and he agreed. He was not denying it.

          When it came down to it, he took care of everything and he has provided for us. He would never purposefully allow us to be run into the ground if that makes sense.

          Perhaps your husband is thinking along the lines of everything is ok and he will work when he needs to???

          If it comes down to it, all you can do is share your concerns respectfully, and pray and if necessary you can decide if there are some boundaries you need to set up. Not in order to control him or his choices, but for yourself.

          If my husband refused to work just because he didn’t feel like it, I would probably have to set some boundaries in that instance. But that is just me personally.

          Love,
          Amanda

        2. Confused,

          Do you believe there may be any other issues going on like ADD or bi-polar? That makes a BIG difference how a wife would want to approach this situation if there are uncontrolled mental health issues going on that may be fueling the issue.

          Much love!

  11. Thank you all for the discussion going on here. Thank you, especially, Satisfied Wife. Much love to each of you! My grandmother, Mom mom, is still hanging in there. I have been spending hours with her every day and am so thankful for each moment. She is getting very weak. But I know she will be in a new glorious body soon and will be so full of joy. I love her and hate to think of not being with her, but I am so thankful she will be with Jesus.

    Much love!

    1. April,

      You are most welcome and we are all here behind you, praying for you sister!! Lots of love to you and your family!!

      Love,
      Amanda

  12. Hi, April

    I am glad you are getting to spend precious time with your grandmother…it is a sacred time…my prayers are with you and your family.

  13. Hi,
    I’m new to this blog. However, I’ve poured over so many of your posts in the past 2 days after finding it. My husband is active duty military and has been for the 14 years we’ve been married. We’ve had ups and downs and fought a lot throughout our marriage but in the end always found our way back to each other. We were high school sweethearts and been the only relationship each other has ever had. We were both raised in christian homes and have continued to keep God in our life. We had recently started looking for a new church before he left and I felt like we had gotten away from God in our marriage as well.

    Well, My husband has just returned home from a 4 month deployment. It was a very intense deployment for him and the last 2 weeks of it were very hard. He had been very loving and his normal self throughout the whole deployment until those 2 weeks. Then, he picked fights and then finally the week before his return he told me he didn’t think he loved me anymore. He said he was done with our marriage and what little love he had left in his heart he had to give to our children.

    Needless to say, I was completely devastated and begged and pleaded. It didn’t work of course. He came home on my birthday, no hello, no happy birthday…just I don’t love you and want a divorce. I was devastated all over again, I barely ate, barely functioned, I cried, I prayed, I begged him, I promised Id be better, I got mad. I’ve had all the emotions. It’s been a little over a month now. He has since stayed at a friends house and not stayed at our home. He comes by on his own time and doesn’t want much to do with me at all. One day he is nice and tells me he loves me but just can’t have the relationship and the next day the marriage collapse is all my fault and if I had been a better wife I wouldn’t be in this position.

    Needless to say, I have had a lot of time to cry out to God. To pray for him to reveal my sins (which are many). God has revealed so much to me about what I did wrong our whole marriage. I didn’t respect him the way I should have and I questioned him when I didn’t need to. I didn’t trust God with him and tried to control him. I can give every excuse why I did this but now I realize it was my own selfishness that did it. Im having a hard time letting go and just giving this to God. I say I’m going to do this but every day the worry sets in and the fear of what he’s doing when he’s not around cripples me. I know God has a plan and I know that no matter what I will be okay but I truly love my husband and our family.

    Our girls are 12 and 13 and are equally suffering with his distance and understanding his sudden detachment from our family. He has always been so involved. Please pray for us and pray that God can give me the strength to just work on myself and submit the rest to him.

    1. Mollie,

      I am sorry to hear about what has happened, but at the same time want to encourage you in this time to continue to seek the Lord. Sometimes the worst things happen all in order that we may come to the knowledge of Christ in a new and living way. He is the need here, and as surely as you set your eyes and heart on Him, He will see you through and reveal Himself to you in this hard time.

      I am sure all of us here will be praying for you in this time. And I am hoping others who have experienced this will be open to sharing with you from their experience.

      A lot of us have found ourselves here at April’s site when we were at the bottom of our marriages and the Lord has used His faithful servant to speak to our hearts and lead us in the way to go from there and we have all found the Lord here in our times of need and that is what matters most!

      This is not the end yet 🙂

      God is working your heart and has drawn you to Himself by this hard time, and that is gain no matter what happens in the temporary realm of things.

      Praying for you!

      Blessings,
      Amanda

    2. Mollie,

      Welcome! I believe you will find support, love, prayer, encouragement, and blessing here for your soul and your marriage. I am so very sorry to hear about the pain you are both experiencing. I can feel the pain from here.

      Some posts that may be helpful:

      – military wife
      – when your husband says, “I’m done”
      – insecurity
      – husband idol
      – what is disrespectful to husbands
      – what is respect in marriage
      – security
      – lordship of Christ

      Would you be interested in doing a general spiritual check up with me where I ask a few questions – so I can get a better pulse on where you are? I would love to do anything I can to direct you to the healing that is available to you in Jesus.

      Much love and the biggest hug to you!

      1. I would love to do that with you. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement. This blog has brought me to my knees already, I know God led me here. I would gladly seek any counsel/advice/guidance from all of you.
        ❤️️
        Mollie

        1. Mollie,

          Okay, awesome! 🙂 Take your time to prayerfully answer these questions. Not what you think you should say, but go deep and answer these based on how you actually live.

          1. How do you believe you can be right with God?

          2. What is your relationship with Christ Jesus?

          3. What are your most precious dreams and desires in life?

          4. What are your greatest fears?

          5. Is there anything you believe you may be holding back from God?

          6. What are the general dynamics in your marriage – is one more passive and one more outspoken or more “take charge”?

          Much love to you!

          1. I may have written to much in the answer but I tried to be completely honest.

            1. I think I can be right with God by humbling myself and praying/seeking forgiveness for sins I know I have in my life and asking for awareness of sins I may not see or know. I think knowing the difference of actually wanting a real relationship with God and feeling like because I’m a Christian I just have one has been an eye opener to me. I was raised in a Christian home with wonderful Christian parents who love the Lord and love me through him. I fell back on that base too much and didn’t work to strengthen my own relationship with the Lord beyond the basics I learned growing up. I always thought you repent and God takes it away and it should be easy to move on from that sin. I’m learning through this painful process that is not the case. You must do it daily, I have to fight this urge to sin and make my own choices every single day…sometimes multiple times per day. I think getting right with God is full submission to him. And, it’s not always easy that is for sure. But, God brought me to a place where I could see that when I feel I have no one he is there even when it’s hard to believe it. I feel him.
            2. I have periods in my life where I have felt so close to God. Like I said, I was raised in a Christ filled home. I got saved as a chid but I knew it was right. I made a choice then and I still remember knowing that God was my savior then. I’ve never wavered on that. I think I’ve had set backs and rebelled against God but he draws me close through trials/moments in life and deployments/trips and I have continuously had that internal need for him (I just didn’t always listen). He was always in my mind but I just shoved him to the back. I haven’t always made the best choices in my walk with him. I will start to study and be diligent with reading my bible but then I let life pull me away. I have put my husband and children and friends before him time and time again. And, honestly I never saw it that way. I never thought of my husband as an idol until I found your blog. It was truly eye opening.
            3. My desire is to have stronger faith and to have assurance in Christ. I want to be filled with his love and be able to have that joy. I know it would give me all that I desire like being a good christian mother. I have always wanted to be a good example to my children like my parents were to me. And, I have failed them so much and I have failed my husband and mostly, I failed God every step of the way. I do desire a life with my husband, not the life we’ve had because it has been so broken. But, I know God put us together and I believe in my marriage. There is a strong desire within me to want to be the wife I have failed to be.
            4. My greatest fear is honestly losing my family. I don’t want my children to go through this and I fear losing a man I’ve loved for 18 years. I’m afraid I won’t get the chance to be that kind of wife to him. I fear being alone. I fear a life I’ve known for so long is over and it scares me so much. I’m afraid I will never have enough faith to let God have control of my life. I’m afraid I’ll never find that joy and peace. I can’t even see through my fears right now. I have fear that my husband will find someone else and move on and have a new family. I’m afraid I’ll never recover from this.
            5. I am holding back with those fears and pride. I am very active in our community and in my children’s school and it’s so hard to face people during this time. Im ashamed of myself and I’m mad at his choices. I’m holding back giving up that anger and resentment of this heart break he’s caused me. I feel like if I don’t worry about it, I’m giving up. I know that’s not what God wants. But, I literally cannot think of anything but this pain inside me. Nothing i have done has changed anything, only made it worse. I have prayed and told God I’m giving him this situation but every time I pick it right back up and take it with me.
            6. We are both very stubborn and think we are right about most things. I have definitely expected too much from him. I wanted (demanded) him to call me and pay attention to me and for me to be a priority (how I expected him to do it) and got angry and mad when he didn’t do those things. He is more laid back in that sense. He was affectionate and didn’t get mad easily. He would just close himself off. He would distance himself and not want to engage with me until I pushed him to the point and then he would get mad and resort to name calling and degrading me as a wife and mother. He would tell me he didn’t like who I made him. I look back now and I see the downward spiral so clearly. I didn’t see it. I thought I was so justified. I feel so foolish for treating him with such disrespect all these years. It physically hurts me when I think about it. But, I can’t tell him this now. He thinks every thing I say is a manipulation and I can’t even apologize because he says its too late for that. And, I don’t know how to even begin to forgive myself.

            Thank you for caring so much,
            Mollie

          2. Mollie,
            You did such a great job answering. Thank you! I have a daughter with a stomach virus who was up at 4:30 this morning – and spent about 6 hours with my grandmother who is deteriorating rapidly and now completely unresponsive. So – things are a bit crazy right now in my life.

            BUT – I am so thankful for your willingness to take the time to dig and answer these questions and I plan to get back with you as soon as I can. I want to take time to respond in detail and thoughtfully.

            In the mean time, I invite you to check out some of the posts I shared and let me know what God speaks to your heart. 🙂

            Much love and a huge hug to you!

          3. Mollie,

            I think it is always tempting to try to do the whole Christian life thing in our own strength. Of course, we can’t! We don’t have that power. Only Jesus does. So when we rely on ourselves, we crash and burn. But as we learn to depend on Jesus, not only for our salvation, but for the strength and power to walk in God’s ways daily – we can find victory in Him. 🙂 But it is a learning and growing process. I had no idea how much I was not submitting to the Lordship of Christ for decades in my walk with Him. It is hard and painful to die to self, to take up our cross, and follow Him, leaving everything and everyone in this world behind if He asks it of us, but it is the path to abundant spiritual life.

            I had no idea I had idols in my heart until God showed them to me about 8 years ago. I was shocked! It is SO easy for us in our culture to put things above Christ in our hearts and to not even realize we are doing it. So thankful God has shown you this. The first step is that God opens our eyes to these things we couldn’t see before.

            In God’s power, as you fully yield to Him, He can transform you to be the wife and woman and mom He calls you to be. I think that is the most amazing news!

            1. Are you ready to lay down your fears? If you are, it is painful, but a necessary step to grow in your faith. You can’t hold tightly to your fears and have faith in God. One or the other has to go. If you are ready, please search my home page for “fear” and read some of the posts. 🙂

            2. Are you ready to receive the truth that Jesus Himself is the greatest Treasure there is and that if you have Him, you have EVERYTHING? Even if you don’t have your deepest earthly dreams?

            3. Are you ready to lay down your most precious earthly dreams, goals, and desires, trusting them all to God whether you receive what you want in these situations or not?

            4. I invite you to read, Apologizing Stories. There will be a time in the future God will show you that is right for apologizing. But first, He may want to radically change your thinking, your attitudes, and your heart. As your husband sees that over a long period of time, many months or maybe years, God may heal him and your marriage. But whether God changes your husband and heals your marriage or not, YOU can have Jesus and the healing He has for you.

            The key to forgiving ourselves is to realize that the primary One we sin against is God. If Jesus’ blood can cleanse us from all sin in God’s sight, who am I to say that I can’t forgive myself if the holy God of the universe is willing to accept Jesus’ blood as payment for my sins? I must be willing to lay down my pride and receive the grace God offers to me, and then realize that it is God I have most offended and His forgiveness I truly need. Then I can also receive that if God forgives me, I must forgive myself because Jesus’ sacrifice was certainly more than sufficient.

            Much love to you!

          4. Mollie,

            Also, please search my home page for:

            worry
            anxiety
            oneness
            closeness
            healthy vs unhealthy relationships
            space
            what is respect in marriage
            loneliness
            lonely

            Much love and the biggest hug to you! You are NOT alone. There are so many of us in the body of Christ on this journey together with you. I am glad to walk beside you and point you to Christ each step of the way.

          5. Thank you for your prayers. I have began reading them all! I’m so torn with what to do. My husband comes over in the evening for dinner and sits at our home and acts like everything should be normal. And then as soon as our kids are in bed, he zips up his coat and leaves. It’s so hard to watch and go through this every night. He tells me one day he loves me and misses me and the next day he won’t even speak to me. It doesn’t seem like the right thing to do for me or my children to let him continue this behavior. Otherwise, he has completely checked out of our lives. He hasnt asked about Christmas with our children and even skipped our youngest daughters chorus concert. Which I know I cannot force his relationship with our kids but when they hurt and don’t understand why he’s so distant…it’s heartbreaking. I finally told him yesterday, I respect his decisions and will honor what he has asked. But, I cannot deal with the every day emotional roller coaster. I feel like maybe I ran before God. I don’t know. And I know I shouldn’t be finding my comfort or joy in him but it’s so hard. It’s hard to not understand. I am just so hurt and it’s so hard to feel such pain day in and day out and see the hurt in our children’s eyes as well (our girls are 12 and 13 so they see and understand the change in him). And I know I should trust God has this under control but it’s so very hard to emotionally go through this every day. Any recommendations on how to deal with what feels like emotional abuse at this point? And I understand he is also hurting and his mind is dealing with something as well. I am just confused and having a bad day with this.

          6. Mollie,

            Let’s work on getting you as strong in Christ as possible first – because then you will have God’s wisdom and discernment to know exactly how He wants you to deal with this extremely difficult situation.

            How is your time with God going this week?

            What are you praying for?

            What do you believe God is prompting you to do? Are you able to hear His voice clearly at this point?

            And – as far as this being emotional abuse… if your husband is purposely doing this to hurt you – maybe you could label it abuse. But is he purposely doing this to try to hurt you – or is he just that wounded and confused? To me, there is a big difference between those two things.

            What do you believe needs to happen for things to heal?

            What has your husband said he needs? What does he say is the problem?

            Praying for God’s wisdom, discernment, healing, and comfort for you, my precious sister – that you would be open to anything God may have for you to grow closer to Him in this time and anything He may want to use in this fiery trial to help you grow in your faith and in spiritual maturity. There are serious spiritual treasures available to us in trials like this if we are open to the things God desires to share with us.

            My first prayer is that God will give you His eyes to see the situation and His perspective. Then I know as you seek Him far above all else, He will help you navigate this beautifully and in ways that honor Him and bless your husband and children.

            Much love!

          7. Thank you for your prayers and words of encouragement (again). My time with God has been wonderful and honestly helped me feel the only peace I’ve had throughout this entire thing.

            Yesterday was a hard day, My daughter was home sick and I didn’t have as much quiet time and I let my emotions get the best of me about the situation. Honestly, I’m unsure if he has PTSD. I have suspected early on something may have happened overseas but I’ve tried to distance myself from those fears and not focus on that stuff because I knew I couldn’t do anything to change it now and God would reveal all at some point.

            He refuses to speak to anyone and has denied anything is wrong. Although, there is clearly something wrong.

            He has a very secretive job in the military. They are given a lot of status and treated with extreme respect and idolized by most. The opportunities exist for infidelity even on deployments and it’s very well known that it’s there if you want to participate. Which has always bothered me but I chose early on to give that to God and not fear that. I guess the most confusing parts for me is the highs and lows. I could understand if his heart had hardened and he was cold all the time but he’s so back and forth with his emotions.

            I have not spoken to him in anger and honestly by the grace of God I don’t even have anger for him. I agree with you, emotional abuse is a strong word. I feel like at times he’s doing it to hurt me to push me away because he will later on apologize for it. But, I know you are right, he is hurting also.

            I have prayed mostly for God to reveal my sins to me and for him to fill me with peace and understanding during this trial. I pray that I can be used during this for his good and for him to increase my faith so that Satan cannot get in my mind. But, I do pray for my husband. I pray for his mind and his relationship with God also. I pray for my children as well and that God may fill them with understanding and peace.

            I do know that God has revealed so much through scripture. I have read the serenity prayer so many times but it spoke to me so differently the other day. I know that I can only change me, I cannot change him and I should pray for the wisdom to know the difference in every encounter with him. I do feel strongly he is not being honest and has had very erratic behavior lately. So, I do think limiting his ability to come over for “comfort” isn’t the right thing for any of us. He otherwise is not participating at all in our family. I wasn’t angry or mean when I told him this and he agreed and said he knew he was being hurtful and confusing. I do not think I’m spiritually ready to confront any sin to him. I have felt so much stronger because of my time with the Lord and my renewed walk with him. I’m disappointed I continue to seek out comfort and happiness in my husband though, especially when he has no interest in giving it.

          8. Mollie,

            I’m so thankful for your time with God. That is your lifeline! Do everything necessary to get the time you need with God to be filled to overflowing with Him. 🙂

            It seems that he is dealing with something huge in his own heart. It could be that he is trying to provoke you to get you to lash out at him so he can blame you for destroying the marriage? It sounds like he may be confused himself. Not sure if it is guilt or if he saw something awful that he is grappling with – it can be hard to know with someone in a position like his what traumatic things he may have seen or had to deal with and sometimes it is so hard for a wife to know what is really going on because these men often can’t talk about their work. For example, I can’t imagine how a man would deal with having to see buddies killed or deal with having to kill a child who was going to kill him. And then, there is a possibility that there were other issues going on, too. You are right – God will have to bring things to light. Right now – you just don’t know and it could be destructive to make too many assumptions.

            I’m so thankful that you have not spoken to him in anger and that you are able to see his pain even if you don’t know the scope of it or what exactly caused it. I’m so thankful you are seeking God and asking Him to show you anything He wants you to change and that you are looking at this trial for the good that God will be able to accomplish through it. That is awesome! I love that you are praying for your children and your husband. Satan would love to destroy your marriage and family. But God can give us victory over Satan’s plans.

            I love the serenity prayer. So thankful that is a blessing.

            Are y’all working with anyone in the military or the church to help you all as he tries to come back into the family and society? I know that many, many military families face similar issues when a spouse returns from war. There may be a lot of support available to you all.

            Of course, we will gladly support you here as much as we can. 🙂

            Praying for God’s continued leading. I love how you are listening to Him. That tells me that you are on the right track, my precious sister. I pray for His wisdom for you and His healing for your husband, yourself, your marriage, and your family. I pray for God to provide the resources you each need, and that if there is any sin issue or trauma, that it will come to light so that y’all can work together on it as a team and experience God’s healing.

            Much love to you!

  14. Hi Amanda,

    Yes! I definetly do get anxious & have a lot of fear over this. I guess I’m not walking in faith, because sometimes the idea that things will always be this way gets the best of me. I’ve been seeking God a lot about taking all my fears from me so I can live by faith. It’s just difficult because I feel he blames me for not getting his life in order. He always makes comments about how he’s not eating right, sleeping right, and about how he’s having a hard time finding work because of these things but it always comes out as blame towards me and the stress hes under in the family (normal stresses, kids crying, stuff to do etc.) Even though I’ve taken on all the house duties kindly. I know from weighing these things against the truth, as this article says, that these things are not my fault, but I feel like I’m indirectly being blamed for them. Thanks for the timely message. Please pray God uses this season according to His purpose.

    1. Confused,

      Now that you mention this, I know exactly how you feel and I have great news for you! 🙂

      When you say you feel indirectly blamed for things——-that issue alone made so much havoc in my marriage until this past season. I used to feel indirectly blamed and indirectly everything from my husband, and the Lord showed me that it was NOT my responsibility to “save” or “rescue” my husband from his life, his choices, his feelings, his anything!

      Once I really understood this, I was free from all those feelings or feeling blamed indirectly, etc.

      If you have ever read the post April has called “Worthy of Love finally gets her husbands text messages”…there is one text that I sent to my husband in that post that says basically that I felt like he was dumping all of his problems onto me and like I had to take over and basically fix his mistakes….. but after learning all I’ve learned now, I see that what my husband was telling me was simply how he felt!!!!!!!!!! He was NOT blaming me!

      Think of it like this—– and I’m betting this is true for a lot of husbands——– whenever I tell me husband how I feel it usually comes off to him like I am BLAMING HIM!!!!!!!! You won’t believe the issues that have come from him thinking I am blaming him when I simply tell him my feelings about something!

      So, first I learned that I am not responsible for his feelings or choices or anything, then I had to learn how to tell him how I feel without it sounding like I’m blaming him, and even then, he still feels blamed sometimes and I just tell him that I’m just telling him how I feel and not to feel like he’s being blamed!

      So from what you last wrote, I really feel that your husband is not really blaming you at all he is just telling you how he feels, and that feeling inside of you that is saying you need to fix his life or save him in this choices, is something in YOUR heart that needs to be dealt with! 🙂

      And what that comes down to is simply realizing that God is sovereign and that no matter what your husband does or doesn’t do, God is in control! And once you let go of trying to rescue your husband or feeling like it is your fault, you will be free from that weight and bondage that is only holding you down in fear and anxiety!

      I’ve been there before! It is not fun!!!

      I know April has posts about all that I have said. Not exactly what they are titled, though. Maybe she or others can comment with some posts about this topic if they know of any!!! But I would atleast read April’s posts on fear if you get a chance!!!

      Love,
      Amanda

      oh p,s there is one post for sure that was in the respect dare and it was all about not saving him. Here it is I found it!

      https://peacefulwife.com/2013/08/02/time-to-stop-the-rescuing/

      1. Confused,

        You are welcome to search my home page for things like:

        – insecurity
        – security
        – oneness
        – closeness
        – husband idol
        – spouse’s happiness
        – healthy vs unhealthy relationships
        – I am responsible for my emotions
        – I am responsible for myself spiritually
        – Being vulnerable and direct

        Much love to you!

  15. My dear sister April, just a very quick message to let you know that I am praying for your family:
    Oh Lord, I pray that April’s grandmother may come home to You in peace having had a fulfilling and satisfying life.
    Loving Father, I am sure that April’s family will feel Your love and balm as they have to let go of a loving and beloved part of their lives.
    Jesus, I see you taking the hand of April’s grandmother and leading her through the Glory that is her new Home.
    In His Holy Name,
    Amen

  16. I have to confess if any partner in my marriage blames more it is probably me, the wife. I’m trying to pray about things more instead. Also my husband sometimes used to be angry with me when he was really mad at himself. So I wonder if some husbands are shifting blame like that. I always suspected that was going on. And then one day, he admitted he was subconsciously blaming me when things would be wrong or he’d do something wrong. So I’m thinking maybe it’s part of our sin nature, the old man. Remember how Adam blamed Eve or actually God for giving him Eve, and Eve blamed Satan when they fell? Neither wanted to admit their own fault. And where was Adam when Satan was tempting Eve? Just some random thoughts on the issue.

    1. Catherine,

      You are absolutely right in saying that it is all part of our “old man”! Yes, it is this old man that comes out in blame-shifting and all kinds of other things to create strife and anger, etc.

      No one wants to take responsibility for their own sin naturally— but that is why it is so important for us to really have a close walk with the Lord so that we are always open to Him and what He is revealing to us that is in our own hearts and what He wants to rid us of. If we always blame someone else then we don’t have to face the Cross of Christ!

      But the Lord is faithful and He brings us to see that we must face it and accept that in Him, the “I” is dead and we are not to live our life unto GOD!

      Thank you for sharing here Catherine!

      Blessings,
      Amanda

    2. Catherine,
      I was the one who blamed my husband a lot, too. 🙁 I love that you are seeking to pray first now. And that you are abel to see that sometimes he may be lashing out at you, but he may actually be angry at himself. Yes, you are so right! Blaming is part of our sinful nature. We don’t like to take responsibility for our own sin and obedience to God.

      So thankful that the videos and blog have been a blessing. I am extremely glad God allows me to be a little part of His work and sharing His love, truth, and healing with other ladies.

      Thank you for the prayers for my family.

      Much love to you!

  17. By the way I was so impressed with April’s Peaceful Wife videos and blog. Thank you sister, in Christ April, for bringing us your peace in Christ to share. Much appreciated along with your prayers for my marriage.

    We’re praying for your grandmother and family.

    Thank you for sharing this topic Satisfied Wife. All of this is so helpful to keep people focused on Jesus.

  18. All,
    Mom mom passed away peacefully this morning with my parents and my sister-in-law beside her. I wasn’t able to get there in time. But I know that she is rejoicing in heaven right now in a new body that will always be young and healthy and never get sick or have pain. I can’t be sad for her – especially when I got to see a preview of the joy she was going to get to have in heaven last week when she was still responsive. This week has been tough. She was suffering a lot even when she was in a semi-coma, but when I sang hymns to her, she would calm down.

    I am relieved that she is at peace now. We will miss her terribly. I pray I can learn from her example. She just radiated unconditional love to everyone around her. I am so blessed to have her for my grandmother.

    Much love!

    1. Thank you for letting us know April. I am glad with you that she is rejoicing in heaven. I look forward to meeting her one day 🙂 HH

    2. Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints… Psalm 116:15

      Was thinking about this verse yesterday or today (sad that I can’t remember which, haha) with regard to your grandmother, April, and also a guy in our church who is close to death from cancer.

      I am praying for God to give their family an experience like you had so that they will have assurance that their dad/my friend’s husband is in pure joy in the presence of Christ. It has been a brutal journey of suffering with death hanging over them.

      I am so thankful your Mom mom is with Jesus and that she left a beautiful legacy for her family. And that you got to spend a lot of time with her in her last days. But know God will be glorified in the celebration of her life in the coming days.

      1. CIC,

        I love that verse and have been thinking about it a lot the past few weeks. Thank you for that, sweet sister.

        I pray that your friend’s husband will be able to share some amazing things with his family, too, that will give them assurance, comfort, joy, and hope about all that he is about to experience.

        Yes, I am super thankful for the time I got to spend with Mom mom – and the little previews she was able to give me about heaven. Yes, may God be greatly glorified as we celebrate her life this week.

        Thanks for the love and encouragement!

  19. Hello All,
    I decided to read all the comments and take a break from work. What a blessing to hear from everyone. Even in hard times we need to be reminded what God wants for us.

    Gosh Mollie, your story sounds like mine in so many ways. Praying for you sister!

    I’m so thankful for all the guidance by you April and Amanda and CIC! A lot has changed for me in the last week. My husband brought my daughter to me and we had a family supper this past Saturday. After he told her she would be staying with me for a while. I can’t explain how good it felt to have them in my home and presence. I literally thanked God the entire meal over and over. The next day my daughter packed and is staying with me. And last night my husband came again for supper. Today he took me to buy a new bed for my daughter coming home from college and we even had lunch together. And when we got back to my place he helped me get things done. It was like old times. I praise God! He is not home. He and I have not reconciled but God is showing me that he is faithful. I was able to have long conversations with my husband and he has finally shared how he has felt. It makes me want to cry. I can clearly see what I have done. My eyes are open. I want to fix it. God is not done! Remember my message in church a few weeks ago……Don’t Quit!!! I must let God continue in his time. I will continue to look to him and I know all good things will be to Glorify God!
    Much love to you all,
    Tina

    1. Tina,
      i have been following your story and i wanted to just tell you that i am so happy to hear your update!!!God IS FAITHFUL and He WILL bring us through trials FOR HIS GLORY!!
      Stay strong!!! I know you mentioned you read RMM…i love their resourses and reading peoples testimonials…love seeing how our Lord comes through for those who wait on Him.
      Blessings,
      NB

      1. Hi NB,
        Thank you so much. Yes I do follow RMM. What a real blessing. My husband still says he doesn’t want to come home. I’m not asking him to even though i would love it. But I did ask if he would come back for supper again. He explained how he felt like my girls and I did not respect him. And a few other things. I can’t change the past. I can only make today and tomorrow better. I wish I had known how he felt a long time ago and when he did share some last October even though never said he was leaving he felt then he wanted to. My prayer is his heart will soften and he will let me back in. I have some peace having my daughter with me and tomorrow my oldest will be home for a month. I will continue to pray for God to work in his heart.
        Much love
        Tina

    2. Tina,
      That is GREAT NEWS! You have been faithfully hanging onto the Lord in this drawn out time and I am so glad that you did not lose heart! What a testimony to the power of the Lord working in you to wait, be still, and seek God’s will above all else in this situation!!!!!! Praise God!

      Love,
      Amanda

    3. Tina,
      Thanks so much for the update. I am extremely glad to hear about the things that have been happening and also about the conversations and steps toward healing. I know it will take some time, and it will be tempting to rush things along. But I pray for God’s continued healing and wisdom for you, your husband, your marriage, and your children.

      Praising God with you!

  20. Thank you April,
    I’m going to praise God for all the blessings. I’m going to focus on family and having my girls together. I know I can’t change my husband, but all things are possible with God. I can’t let the enemy win this battle. My family is way too important and it will Glorify God.

    I hope your family is well. I was sorry to hear about your Mom mom! But we know she is much better now….

    Much love to you!
    Tina

    1. Tina,

      Yes, Mom mom is doing really well now. Better than ever! We miss her – but I know God has us even in this time and that He will teach us some of His treasures as we mourn and as we seek and trust Him.

      I love that attitude. Praying you will continue to grow in Christ and that He will continue to heal and change you and your family for His glory. 🙂

      Much love and a huge hug!

      1. Hi April,
        Thank you for the hug! My daughter has been with me a week now. She stays to herself in her room when we are home and comes out to eat with us. I honestly can only pray for her right now. She is not approachable. My husband needs continued prayer too. Every time something good happens, Satan interferes. My husband went back to saying hurtful things yesterday. So now I am zipping my lips. Today I spent a lot of time reading devotions and catching up on housework. I was also so excited to see some sunshine so I could take my walk. Its been so cold here I have not been able to walk. That is “my time” and I look forward to it every day. I am able to listen to music while I walk and just enjoy Gods beauty. Since I live in the country my walk consist of visiting many of my neighbors animals. They will walk to the fence and greet me and allow a pat on the head! I am able to find blessings in many places and it takes my mind off of what my husband is doing.
        love,
        Tina

        1. Tina, I’m so sorry that your relationship with your daughter is so strained. That would be so hard! Have you thought about writing her a letter expressing your love for her (take the time to praise the good things you see in her and express your thankfulness that she’s your daughter), your sadness that she is so hurt by everything that’s going on and letting her know that whenever she is willing to talk and wants to express herself to you, that you are ready to listen to her? She needs to know that she is safe to express anger, hurt, fear, any negative emotions.

          I spoke with a pastor last week who gave me some wise counsel. He said that if my kids started pulling away from me, to not just accept that and get passive. He really recommended being intentional to keep reaching out to them because they need to know they are being pursued in love right now, especially with all of the pain in their lives right now. Yes, you might keep getting rejected for a while. But, I believe that it will pay off in the long run.

          He also recommended that if she has any questions about what’s going on with you and your husband, that you can give highlights of what the problems are without going too much into detail. He affirmed that I had answered my older son’s specific questions to me. He said if they’re old enough to ask, they’re old enough to know, and I agree. Again, there’s a way to do this that is being truthful about the situation while respecting your husband and also holding it all together with an expressed faith that God is in control, He loves all of you and has a purpose and a plan. I would be hesitant to offer guarantees of the marriage being reconciled or any other guarantees other than ones we KNOW that I just spoke about (God’s faithfulness, His sovereignty, His love, etc.)

          In between times of reaching out with words, continue to hug her (as long as she’s not verbally telling you to stop, even a stoic standing there could indicate she wants your hug) and show love in other ways. One of those ways is to continue to lovingly point out any sin or bad behaviors and lovingly drawn lines and boundaries that are good for her. I know that’s hard to do in times like this, but our children still need this desperately. Is she responsible for helping around the house?

          Praying that God will give you the right words and ways to reach out to her during this time. He knows the best way for her mama to reach out to her and I trust that He will lay on your heart the things you can do during this time.

          1. CIC,
            I had not thought about a letter but what a great idea. There is so much turmoil going on it just grieves me. She doesn’t want to help do anything around the house. She basically is just so unhappy being here. It’s not always been that way. To make matters worse she has been seeing a 20 year old and she is 16. I don’t condone it. He dad has allowed her to see him but now wished he hadn’t.
            So one of the reasons she doesn’t want to be here is i won’t let her see him. She thinks if she goes back to Dads she will be able to see him.

            This morning before I left for church i read my devotionals and again the words to a song was at the bottom of the page. When I got to church, that song was first to be sung and I couldn’t stop the tears. God is telling me he is here. Hark the Herald Angels Sing………it’s this line: God and sinners reconciled…..it just made me think about my husband. Glory to the newborn King!

  21. Tina,
    It’s a blessing you and he are on the same page with forbidding her to see this young man. I had to do the same even though they were both the same age and she didn’t talk to me for days. The first time in my life she did this. Then, after about 4 to 5 days, (this was about a month ago) I put Christmas music on in the living room and made for a warm ambiance, i was hurting too because I missed her, missed her voice and company and her cheerful disposition, and then, miraculously, as I was in the basement finishing laundry I heard the door open and she walked in with her head down, hugged me quietly and my heart found life again. I don’t even remember if she verbally apologized, it wasn’t necessary. I told her don’t worry about a thing (we already lectured her before her punishment) and then I elevated the moment by telling her to start thinking of the gifts she’d like for Christmas. Take heart!

    I’m sorry for the aches these teens cause our hearts. Mostly when we see them aching. Remember she is going through hormonal changes, moodiness, this is normal….and she will come around. I’ve always heard that when our precious young ones become teenagers we wonder what happened to our chubby faced children, and then one day when they’re about 17 or 18, we get them back. I’ve often heard variations of that so please take heart and don’t take her moods personally. Really try not to. Pray immediately for her when dissensions start and then go about the day or evening. Otherwise we’ll drive ourselves crazy when we need to be healthy in mind and spirit. The one thing we must do is cover them in prayer while showing them love and discipline with mercy.

    I’ve gotten into a habit years ago, after reading of it, of praying for the spouses my children would have and all the qualities I want in them. And that God would grant them good Christian men and women to share their lives with. It’s never too early to pray for that as well.

  22. Thank you for this post.

    My husband blames me alot and never takes blame never sees my side, never says sorry. He will be totally in love with me for a month. Then something happens and we are back at square one for months on end. It’s a roller coaster and im so weary i want to fall off it. He ignores me at the moment, is rude and will not spend any time with me. He only talks to blame and tell me what im doing wrong. We are on holidays its been a big year.

    I need a break from this. I’ve been unwell. I need prayer. I cannot tell a soul as no one in my church or family knows or could understand. I feel ashamed. It seems only my son sees what is going on. He is kind and sensitive towards me and he should not have to feel he needs to be kind and caring to his mother because of his dad.

    I try to change and compliment and respect, but fall and boy do i pay for those moments. I dont feel i will ever be perfect enough for my husband no matter what extremes i go to. I know that no one could live up to his expectations. Pls pray for us. I feel its a spiritual battle for his mind as his life is falling apart in so many ways except his career.

    1. Very Desperate Wife,

      I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Honestly, in my own experience, this type of thing doesn’t go away 🙁 It seems as though no matter how much progress one makes, as soon as a mistake is made again, everything goes back to square one. You are not alone in this, trust me. I know a lot of women who are going through this as well, including myself! Also in the past, I have felt this even stronger, that unless I become perfect towards my husband, he will never love me or be ok. At some point, I had to realize what I wrote in this post, and I had to turn to the Lord and just stay there, instead of looking to my husband and trying to please him in order to make him not be mad at me or not love me, etc.

      I feel your pain, desperate wife.

      And there was one post on April’s Peacefulwife Blog facebook page that I read last night about how our husband’s feelings are not always the best indicator of what’s going on. And I’ve found that to be true. Sometimes my husband will be looking at what I’ve done in the past instead of focusing on the here and now and what is happening today, and it causes him to think negative thoughts that influence how he sees me as I am today.

      It is hard to push forward when we feel like we will not be able to achieve success.

      But here is the fact and truth in Christ—— we will NEVER be good enough in ourselves, That is true! And as long as we follow after our own natural self, we will continue in the ways we have always gone. But if we walk after the Spirit, we will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh! In Christ, we are dead to our old man, and we are now alive unto God, we live for God, and everything is for and by God. We can do nothing. If we are struggling to overcome some certain sins or things, we will fail. But if we realize that Christ has already won the victory, and we step out in faith upon what Christ has already accomplished, we are more than conquerors! It is all about no longer following our own natural way and judgments and feelings etc as the thing that we follow in life—but rather, we are to follow the Spirit of God that dwells in us, and follow the way of life in all things!

      Desperate Wife, don’t let this weigh you down, sister. It is going to take a LIFE TIME to learn CHRIST! It will take a lifetime to be even slightly conformed to His image! And the way we learn Christ is by making mistakes a lot of times. We make a mistake, and the Spirit convicts us, and we learn that that was not from God but from the spring of our own natural self. And then hopefully, the next time, we remember the pain we went through after making that mistake, and like a child who learns by being corrected in the same ways, we learn what not to do!

      It doesn’t mean we will never mess up or do that same mistake again, but we will, over time, stop doing the things that cause spiritual death in our lives. And we more and more become like Christ!

      Our husbands are struggling with their own life, too. I know for my husband, he really feels that I ruined his spiritual walk with God in the beginning of our marriage. I’ve talked to him about it, and explained that I truly didn’t know what I was doing, and he knows that I didn’t. But he still feels that I somehow sabotaged his walk with God. I can’t change that…… all I can do is not do the things that caused him to feel that way in the past. And I have to conclude that if my husband is struggling with the things in the past, only God can move in his heart to heal that and lead him to forgive me if necessary.

      All we have is today, and today we can choose to follow the Spirit, and overtime, by God’s grace, hopefully our marriages can heal and move forward.

      I truly understand what you are experiencing, I’ve experienced it and still do to some degree. It is hard because it tempts us to start looking at our self and trying to make our self better and trying to figure out what we need to do to win their love, but that will never happen because this is not something that we can change. They are the ones who need God to work in their hearts to lead them to forgiveness, etc. towards us. All we can do is seek the Lord and follow His Spirit on our end!

      Praying for you desperate wife, and please know if you ever want to talk, you are more than welcome to email me at manduhhh12@yahoo.com. The Lord brings people in our paths at just the right time who know exactly what we are experiencing in order to build each other up and fellowship. I am more than available if you feel that need today, or anytime. 🙂

      Love,
      Amanda

        1. April,

          I have not arrived yet, just as none of us will fully in this life—-and I am reaching out to you, in the presence of all in order to receive the truth from you!

          Lately, since my husband has been able to really seek God since being off from work, he is deeply concerned about the fact that he lost that consciousness of the Spirit. He brought something up the other day, and my heart is being tossed around about it. He basically believes that I am the reason for him losing touch with God for so long. I acknowledged that in the past, I really had no idea what I was doing, am sorry for anything I’ve done wrong towards him, and have truly been shown what I did wrong and how the Lord wants to work in me to do the opposite . But he is questioning everything, thinking that I was sent in his life by SATAN and not GOD! My heart breaks over this. I can’t believe he would even believe such a thing.

          I know I’ve messed up April, but this is too much. His perception of our entire relationship is totally different than mine.

          In my eyes, I see what is happening is that the devil is just continually looking for ANYTHING to come between us.

          At the same time, I know from your experience you said that Greg felt like he couldn’t hear God for a long time, etc.
          So I am also evaluating if what he is saying to me is true or not. I believe it is true to a certain degree because I was blindly seeking all of his time and attention, getting mad, frustrated, upset at him constantly, etc. But those things are long gone now.

          My husband is disappointed that I did not turn out to be the spiritual godly woman he thought I was. 🙁
          He blames me for every job he quit, us moving here and there, all types of things. I told him that either way, He still decided what he decided and I couldn’t have forced him to do anything. As you know, I have ALL of our text messages from the time we met, so I was able to look back and see what was going on in those months in our marriage, and I have proof that his memory is not quite in line with what he was saying to me at that time in our life/marriage. In ever told him to quit one job. I didn’t demand that we move here or there. I didn’t make him do anything!

          We were so sure when we got married that God had brought us together, we had no doubt! We were so close, so open with each other, so loving and forgiving! I even respected him before we got married. The only thing I can conclude is that the devil is just set on keeping me and him apart and I even said in a text message to him before we got married that I believed God was bringing us together to use us as a representation of what God can do in terms of changing people’s lives and how God can restore all that has been lost in the years before being born again.

          Something’s gotta give here. God has already overcome. What He purposes no one can thwart. I can only pray and hope that God opens my husband’s eyes to see that we have been brought together for His purposes and nothing else.

          I can’t fall back into believing that it is ALL my fault that we had issues in our marriage. That will bring spiritual death and arrest. I have to focus on the truth.

          And That is why I can so relate to desperate wife right now.

          Love,
          Amanda

          1. Amanda,

            While I do believe that we can make it much easier or harder for our husbands to be in touch with God – (just as our husbands can for us) – ultimately no matter what anyone else does or does not do we are each accountable to Christ for our own walk with Him. I don’t believe a wife can take on the entire burden of her husband’s spiritual walk on her shoulders. In fact, as the leader in the family, it is the husband, primarily, who is responsible for himself and his wife to lead them both toward God. If anyone has greater responsibility – it is the husband.

            Yes, Greg listened to me for a long time and grew farther away from God. I made it harder for him to hear God. BUT – it is still his responsibility to be close to God and to not allow anyone or anything to pull him away. Does that make sense?

            No matter what Greg does – I am responsible for myself spiritually and emotionally and for my spiritual well-being and the same is true for Greg. Of course, if I realize I am sinning against Greg and making it harder for him to hear God’s voice, I want to repent and allow God to change me. But it is not right to place my responsibilities on his shoulders or for him to place his spiritual responsibilities and his walk with Christ on my shoulders.

            It is convenient – and we are all prone to this – to blame all of our sins on someone else and to justify our sin and our walking away from God or rebelling against Him or drifting away. But God calls us to take personal responsibility and to die to self and yield ourselves to Him.

            I don’t believe that the issues were all your fault. I would love to see you both fighting the real enemy instead of each other. Praying for more revelation from God for you both and for God’s Spirit’s power of discernment for you both.

            Sending a huge hug!

          2. April,

            Thank you for the encouragement! I didn’t even think of it like this, thank you! I was feeling weighted down by the thought that I had somehow truly gotten in between God and my husband and totally just stopped him from being full of the Holy Spirit. But I knew better and that’s why I reached out to you! Thank you sister!!

            I agree that no matter what anyone does or says, we have to decide not to allow that voice to overrule the voice of God.

            God has opened my eyes to what I’ve done wrong in my marriage, as you know so well. And I am committed to following the Lord in my marriage in becoming the wife God wants me to be.

            I pray he will have eyes opened to see the reality of the situation. I know I was wrong for the things I’ve done in the past, and I am trying to show him that I am not going to do what I’ve done in the past. But if he can’t see all that God has done and is doing in my heart, then that is also something I can’t control.

            He was basically questioning if I was truly born again or not, and that disturbed me too. And I heard the Lord in my heart say, “whatever does not line up with My Word is NOT from Me!”

            I think that’s why he’s blaming me for his spiritual decline, because he thinks I wasn’t truly born again and that satan sent me into his life to destroy him and his relationship with Christ.
            I was not following the Spirit of God in the beginning of our marriage, so I understand where he might think those things, but who is he to judge another’s servant?

            I have learned that I can not look at my husband according to his flesh—what I see on the outside and even in his wrong words, choices, etc. I must look at him on the basis of our unity in Christ. We are both in Christ, therefore I am to react according to this fact, and not react according to any other judgment I might have on him.

            I pray he sees this fact, as well, and is freed from this lie!

            Thank you for your support and encouragement!

            Love,
            Amanda

          3. Amanda,

            Marriage (and the trials it can bring) reveals things in our sinful nature that can be very hard to see before marriage even if we take our time and try to carefully and prayerfully examine things. Y’all didn’t spend much time at all “vetting” each other – so it is even easier to fool each other when the time is so short. It is easy to look holy and godly when you are not under stress and everything is going really well even if reality is that we are not abiding in Christ.

            You both had a responsibility before you got married to “count the cost” before entering into marriage and to examine yourselves and each other to be sure that there was real godly fruit in your own lives and each other’s lives. You both had a responsibility to be sure that you were marrying someone who didn’t just profess Jesus but who wanted to live in full submission to Him.

            Both of you made the decision to jump into this marriage and assumed it was from God without stopping to truly evaluate and process the red flags you both had – from what you have described to me and in other posts. Of course it is tempting to blame a decision totally on the other person. But he can’t wipe out his own responsibility and accountability before God. He made that choice to marry you in a very hurried manner. He also allowed himself to drift from God – that is his responsibility.

            You can look back and own your wrong decisions and sins and repent. You can’t own his wrong decisions or his sins. And he can’t fool God. God isn’t going to say, “Oh, you poor boy! It’s totally fine that you sinned against her in all the ways you did because she sinned against you. No problem.” And God isn’t going to say, “You rushed into marriage with a girl you hardly knew but all of the problems are totally her fault. You have zero accountability in that decision and the things you did.”

            I have questioned my own salvation as I look back over my life and see the fleshly fruit in my life earlier. Sometimes I am not completely sure what would happen if I had to stand before God before He opened my eyes 8 years ago. I really believe I trusted Christ to be my Savior at age 5. But I did not understand the Lordship thing and I had so much sin in my life. All I can do now is praise God that He opened my eyes and ask Him to keep changing me and to empower me to be faithful, holy, and obedient from now on.

            You know that you are in Christ now. You know the mighty work God has been doing in you the past year or so. That is your identity. You are living in Romans 8 now. That is your security. Satan can speak to us, accusing us, through those we love when they are not walking in the power of the Spirit. Only receive what is from God, my precious sister.

            Your husband is a grown man. He is to be the spiritual leader of the marriage and family. His decisions are his own. Your decisions are your own. We will each be judged individually by God and God will not allow us to justify any sin for any reason – not even if we were wronged or sinned against.

            I know God can give him the revelation and discernment he needs. I pray for His continued healing for you both!

          4. April,

            Yes! I agree, and you are totally right! Thank you for clarifying these things! I hope anyone else who is facing this type of situation will be able to glean from our discussion about this! It can weigh a person down to be in it.

            And it is true—we really didn’t know each other long enough to really see what we were like. We didn’t encounter any troubles while dating and the minute any thing happened after marriage, it was a very rude awakening for us both. We both had unrealistic expectations of each other that we are only just beginning to face and let go of! But we have both let go of a lot of those expectations, and it has made for a much more peaceful environment! But I had to learn the hard way, as you know!

            And I agree as well that I had no understanding, no true understanding of who Christ really is, and I was not submitted to Him as Lord. I was living from my natural self and was not aware of the things that were totally contrary to the Spirit of God!

            But God, in His faithfulness, did not leave me in such a state! He opened my eyes and has shown me who Christ is, and now the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has freed me from the law of sin and death! There is victory, there is hope, in Christ alone!

            Thank you sister for your love! What a touch of Christ to fellowship with you!

            Love,
            Amanda

          5. Amanda,

            What God has been doing in your heart has been so beautiful and powerful. I love being on this journey with you. I trust that God will provide the revelation needed for your husband and pray for His wisdom and discernment for you that you might handle the situation rightly in His eyes for His glory.

            Much love!

    2. Very Desperate Wife,

      If it is okay, my precious sister, I would love to do a spiritual check up with you to get a feel for where you are and what is going on and then I would love to point you to the healing that is completely available to you in Jesus no matter what your husband is or is not doing. As you are healed spiritually and emotionally, and you are filled up with Jesus, He can give you the clarity and wisdom you need to deal with your husband’s issues, even if he is sinning against you.

      Much love to you!

  23. Thankyou so much to you both Amanda and April for your encouragement, advice and prayers. Spiritually i am doing ok. The Holy Spirit is my guide and comfort and i have been reading my bible quite a bit. Just completed the bible in a year yesterday. I need to pray more though. I have a group of ladies from church i check in with and who pray for each other, but i cant dishonour my husband by telling them the whole truth. They just know he doesnt go to church much. I love my husband, but i need the wisdom to know whats going on with us and to change where i need to and be strong and corageous to stand up against the blame and help him see the reality when i need to. I dont know if thats something i need to do or not . Whatevsr i do i need God to enable me to act with love and respect and i need the strength to continue. Thankyou for sending up prayers for us. My children need a happy home.

    1. Very Desperate Wife,

      I”m glad you have been in the Word of God so much and that you are seeking Christ first and want to have GOd’s power to respond rightly.

      Here are the questions I would ask for a spiritual check up if you would like… (take your time):

      1. What do you most desire in your walk with Christ?

      2. How do you believe you can be right with God?

      3. What are your greatest fears?

      4. What are your most precious dreams?

      5. What do you believe needs to change in your marriage for it to be healthy?

      6. Please check out this post and let me know if there are any lies that are issues for you at this time.

      7. Please read healthy vs unhealthy relationships and let me know if anything jumps out at you. 🙂

      I am glad you want to respect your husband and not spread gossip or betray his trust. That is a good thing. It is why I love blog comments and discussions – you can be anonymous!

      Do you believe that there may be uncontrolled mental health issues going on? Are you safe? Are there any addictions or abuse issues? Was he deeply scarred earlier in his life emotionally or spiritually? How about you?

      Much love to you, dear sister! I believe there are resources here and that we may be able to share other resources to help point you to Christ that will be life changing for you and that may also be healing for your marriage. My greatest prayer is for you and your husband to be completely healed in Christ!

      Some other helpful resources, you are welcome to search my home page for:

      – insecurity
      – husband idol
      – security
      – lordship
      – confronting our husbands about their sin
      – bitterness
      – fear
      – abuse
      – keep husband at any cost
      – 25 ways to respect myself
      – 25 ways to reverence God

      If there are really severe issues going on – mental health issues, abuse, gaslighting, severe narcissism, addictions, etc… please pray for God to lead you to someone trustworthy you can speak to in person in your area for specialized help.

      Much love to you!

  24. Thanks april. Heres my answers…

    1. Closeness with God, peace and contentment.

    2. Keep short accounts. Truly humble myself. Repent when convicted. Listen and obey.

    3. I fear my family leaving the faith. I fear not hearing “well done my good and faithful servant” and a biggy is fearing no one will care for me when i get sick. I have health issues and a long healthy life is not on the cards although at present i am fit and eat well. I do strive for health as long as i can.

    4. I dream of my husband leading people to Christ as he used to. I dream of him being the passionate man i married who loved Jesus more than anything. I dream of my husband wanting to be with me, hold my hand, put his arms around me. I want him to sit and have a cup of tea with me.

    5. We need forgiveness. We need kindness love and respect. We need our marriage to be a higher priority. My husbsnd actually says and believes that his friends, our kids, his work come ahead of our marriage.

    6. People pleasing is a thing for me. This bothers my husband. Its a pattern. I try to please my parents and siblings then get rejected manipulated hurt and then try to please them more etc etc. I was kind of blind to this pattern, but can see it now and try to set boundaries.

    7. My husband says he loves me, but doesnt like me and cant stand being with me at times. I have been manipulative in the past and was a complete emotional mess the 1st 5 years of marriage. I have definately moved on to be a stronger confident person in past 10 years, but my husbsnd is stuck in the past. I fear i have broken him. He doesnt want conflict. He wont discuss differences of opinion esp if i get emotional or if there is a chsnce he thinks i might grt emotional. He shows love if im good and withholds if if im not. For years sometimea. He merely grunted st me for 6 months a couple of years sgo. He honestly never apologises and is always right. I can see even my children struggle with havinv a Dad like this now too. He told me hd would never forgive me for a number of things. I once told thd kids in a state of anger to marry someone kind not someone like their Dad. I kmow thst was wrong and i immediately apologised when i realised he overheard. He will harbour that agsinst me though for as long as he remembers it. He has many friends, is the life of any get together, is well respected in his profession and community, but being his wife is very difficult. …. i sometimes think he has mild depression. He drinks too much and plays computer games too much. Is addicted to buying things which i think is to fill a void. He was deeply hurt when we were married. My family treated him dreadfully and severed ties with us for a number of years on account of our marriage. There was split in our church over this and we were very broken over it. I could barely get out of bed for a year after the marriage, but didnt really realise i needed help. We have done well to stay together. We do love each and we are commited to hatd times from the beginning. Many of our issues stem back to this issue. Many hurtful words were spoken by people we loved and trusted and respected. We were told we would be cursed for marrying and sometimes it feels liks we are. I want that curse broken.

    1. Very Desperate Wife,

      Thank you so much for taking the time to answer these questions for me. I appreciate it! I want to be able to understand what is going on with you. 🙂

      A few more questions, if that is okay with you, sweet sister…

      1. Are there things you are afraid to lay down before God, things you may be holding back or afraid to entrust to God?

      2. What things has God been showing you and teaching you lately?

      3. Have y’all had anyone to help mentor and counsel you both through the really traumatic experiences you had earlier in your marriage where there was so much hurt caused? It sounds like what happened was REALLY difficult. I can’t imagine your marriage causing a church split. That would be very painful.

      4. I invite you to search my home page for:
      – people pleasing
      – control
      – boundaries
      – fear
      – healthy vs unhealthy relationships

      Those posts may help with people pleasing. 🙂

      5. What does your husband think y’all need to heal the marriage?

      6. Are you interested in finding spiritual healing in Christ for yourself no matter what may happen with your husband?

      7. Do you have a godly, biblically based church now that you go to (even if he doesn’t)?

      8. Yikes. You would be cursed for marrying? These were believers in Christ that said this?

      Much love to you!

  25. Amanda, Carla & Very Desperate Wife,

    I will pray for you all tonight. It seems the dynamic is very similar with a lot of our situations. This is a spiritual battle, for sure. It seems like it is all around and increasing – or maybe it is only that because I’m living the reality, I notice it more. We need to all be praying about how God wants to use us in this battle against the enemy and against darkness. For starters, I know He has repeatedly shown me over and over that my husband is truly blind and bound. This gives me the grace to not become bitter and focused on my hurts. I am able to show respect to my husband and kindness (but we are separated and, speaking personally, I was at a point where I needed the separation to be able to continue to show him kindness but to also protect myself from continued emotional abuse and from getting bitter).

    We have a role to pray in prayer and continuing to love and show mercy (with appropriate boundaries always and loving and showing mercy does not mean pretending things are great when they’re not). Love never fails. That truth has come to mind a few times over the last week. I don’t think that necessarily means we get everything we want when we want it (speaking of our desires for a restored beautiful marriage right now), but it is comforting to hold onto the promise that love never fails.

    We have to keep believing that God is sovereign and knew about these days in our marriages before we came to them. We have to believe and keep choosing to believe that He is in control, that He is FOR us and not against us and that He loves us and has plans to prosper us and not to harm us.

    Stand in faith on who God is and who He is for you. I know that through this trial, I am going to grow to love Him and desire Him more than anything else on this earth. We can look forward to the things God is working in us through these trials even though it is so incredibly painful.

    Lord, I lift up my hurting sisters to You tonight. Sing your comfort and peace over them tonight. I pray that they will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Your love for them is unfailing. I pray they will know who they are in Christ – righteous, holy, without blame (!!!) — all because of what your Son accomplished on the cross for us. Thank you that you are the Man who will never blame or accuse us. We know who the accuser is. We know it is the enemy using our husbands against us because he is attacking Christ in us. Give us wisdom, strength, boldness, love, mercy and forgiveness as we walk the road ahead. We pray that you will set us free from the oppressiveness of continuing blame and unforgiveness directed at us and that you would set our husbands free from the bondage they are in. They are not joyful or at peace walking in these ways. They are wandering in the dark, buying into the lies of the enemy and the temptations of this world. Protect them and block any evil the enemy has set as a trap for them in their daily lives. At every turn, God, bring them to people and situations and songs and whatever else You want to use to convict them of their need for You and to show them the glory of the gospel. We will follow you wherever you take us and you will strengthen us to do so. In just a little while, we’re going to be with You. It doesn’t seem like that now, but we will all look back one day and realize the truth that these troubles we are in are light and momentary compared to the glory that is being achieved for us in eternity. We love and praise you! In Jesus’ name. Amen.

    1. CIC,
      I also stand in your prayers for us all and thank you sister! Your words are truth and they are life! 🙂 What you will learn through your experience will be of great value to others one day. Let His will be done for His greatest Glory!!!!! Amen!

      Love,
      Amanda

  26. Thank you Carla content in christ and April for your encouraging words and prayers. I so appreciate your kindness.

Thanks for joining the discussion! Let's keep it classy and respectful. :)

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