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“How I Became Enmeshed with My Husband” – by LMS

ADMIN NOTE:

An update 3 weeks ago created many technical issues on my blog, unfortunately. Jetpack lost all by a few dozen of my WordPress and email followers. My understanding is that the issue should now be resolved. Thank you for your patience! If you haven’t been receiving emails from me, there are some posts you may have missed:

A Summary of the Stages of This Journey

Can I Be a “Peaceful American” Even Now?

My Husband Isn’t As Involved with Our Newborn As I Want Him to Be 

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A guest post by LMSdaily

I had a dad, but he was a workaholic. I was close to him, but never got enough of him. So, when I met my husband, who was very much into family, promising to adore me, cherish me, etc… he also said it was his job to make me happy….I believed it hook line and sinker.

It was no longer my job to make me happy and I was relieved of the duty in my mind. As I relied more and more on my husband to make me happy, more and more pressure was put on my husband. I was a black hole of need. It was too much.

He failed all the time (in my eyes) and there was no satisfying me. He felt like he could NEVER make me happy… nor could ANY man.

I never understood how this thinking acted like the death of a star…imploding on itself, then a massive explosion outward, until I realized what it meant that I had put my husband as an idol above God in my life. ONLY God can fill that endless need in our lives to help us feel loved, cherished, wanted, needed, worthy, valuable, and accepted. Our husbands are humans too. They make mistakes, have wrong ideas, thoughts, and ideas too. They are have sin issues at times and struggle with idols, too. Even if they are Christians. Understanding the imperfections of ourselves and others is crucial to the humility we need to feel before God. This humility helps us realize how imperfect we all are, and how perfect only God is.

One other thing I realized also was how incredibly “lazy” I was in my thoughts. It was very easy to just let my husband tell me how I should think, what to feel, what opinions I should have or to make all the decisions.

My family felt like I lost myself when I started following my husband’s every thoughts. I looked like a snob to them because my husband was judgmental, but I thought he was right to be that way. At that point, I stopped being his helper in life, or, I liken it to a co-pilot. Rather I was like an anchor, or another passenger he was responsible for. Dragging me along for the ride and not taking any responsibility for myself.

He had no one to help him think through his ideas, thoughts or to even run things by for a different perspective. I was blindly following him.

He may have been questioning his own path, but realized I was no help anyway to him… kind of foolishly clueless and blind in life. So he dragged me along out of responsibility. He didn’t have a helper because I was not interested in doing the brain work of thinking on my own. I am disgusted at my laziness when I look back at it.

Now, I have started to really think about it all. Even subjects I would avoid in the past, like finances, or deadlines, or cleaning out closets. This is something my husband is not used to. He is used to just making decisions and having no obstacles or contradictions. So, now, he sees me as something in his way. He thinks I’m arguing with him, that we think differently, that we are incompatible.

But the truth is, I have good ideas, valid concerns, and viewpoints too. My husband, having to now consider them, is irritated with my concerns. It’s like red tape to him. Of course, I don’t demand my way, but I bring up my concern in a respectful way, then leave the decision to him. If he is not trying to break the law or hurt someone, it’s fair to let him decide, but he gets my viewpoint too, nowadays. Not always. If I bring up a good point he had not considered, he gets irritated, because it was easier to just make the decision and live with it. But my point makes him have to think more, too. His conviction from the Holy Spirit and his responsibility as the head of the family is making him feel uncomfortable and not as sure. As he learns to trust me as a helper instead of an anchor, I hope he will find a value in me again. I’m sure this will take time.

For too long, in many ways, I think we both lived together, physically married, but really thought more as single people… not really understanding what “two becoming one” really meant. If my ways worked with his, or vice versa, then cool…no problems, but if not, he/I complained. That is a controlling attitude. Now, I am constantly thinking on how a desire or idea I have might affect him, not just me, and I want to choose what blesses him first, then me. I think more “married” than single now. Less self-centered, more wanting what is best for my husband and kids. But there is always a balance that needs to be made. I can’t just ignore my own desires and wishes either… that’s the starry-eyed groupie way. More of a doormat. To women, it can feel loving. To men, it feels like we are spineless and weak.

We need to be strong and whole as individuals before we can come together and be part of a unique being in a marriage.

My lack of a daddy figure basically was a hole that needed filling. Ideally, I should have had God fill that father role for us instead of my husband. Then, I could be a help meet in my husband’s life, not a groupie looking for attention from a man. This is why God is the great “I Am”, in our lives. He alone can fill those missing holes.

I will pray that you can seek God as a Dad in your life and feel the love, protection and attention you crave from Him. In this way, the love, protection and attention you receive from your husband will be extra. Icing on the cake – that you can enjoy as a treat – not daily living sustenance.

Look up the following subjects in April’s blog for more:
Oneness in Marriage – Not Too Close, and Not Too Far Away

Closeness in Marriage Looks Different from What I Expected – A Fellow Wife

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

I Was SURE I Hadn’t Made My Husband an Idol!

Fully Trusting God with My Husband – Laying Down All of My Fears 

LMSdaily’s posts

 

 

5 thoughts on ““How I Became Enmeshed with My Husband” – by LMS

  1. LMSDaily, this post was a blessing to me as you have opened my eyes and mind to thinking about this perspective in relation to my own life. While I don’t have exactly the same situation from my childhood it has helped me to think about some things that definitely do relate, like the expectations I place on my husband that aren’t fair and how I sometimes forget the “humanness” of my husband and how I need to respect this. As well how God wants me to seek how to bless others first before myself and that includes my husband.

    I have been thinking of you daily and praying for you and I am looking forward to an update on how things are going with you when you are ready to share with us. praying that God will continue to guide you and bless you every day on your journey!

  2. LMSDaily and Peaceful Wife,

    A Question:
    I have just been reading about good works and faith,
    Contrary to popular belief, I think, faith takes work.
    Doing good works doesn’t, it can be more in the nature of checking off things on list. It’s not nothing, but its not essential to our entering Heaven.

    So my question is: Can doing good works be like dragging the anchor and working out of faith be more of a co-creation, which if by necessity messy?

    Working to become one out of two requires faith, it requires taking a risk without knowing what will come of it. It may not feel so good sister, while your husband is finding your comments interfering and a nuisance. LMSDaily, have you shared anything of what was in this post, rhat you wish to make your marriage a work of faith, not simply of good works?

    Always good to read and share,
    Thank you sisters,
    Jesuscentreoflife

    1. jesuscentreoflife,

      I believe that real faith produces works. I think that is scriptural. Just doing things without faith or doing things to try to earn salvation won’t work. But when we have saving faith – our desires change. We WANT to please God and obey Him. Not to earn salvation but out of joy and thankfulness for what Jesus has done for us. And we do it in His power, not our own.

      True, it is messy and there is risk.

      1. I’m also wondering about the act of faith that is marriage,
        We are the church and Christ is the Bridegroom.
        In our marriages, faith with good works, that is the key, right?

        Faith allows us to make it work and together with that good works help create not only sweetness but a joy in being together?

        Thank you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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