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“My Technology Addiction Hurt Our Marriage” – a Guest Post

A guest post from a sister in Christ:

The lightbulb moment for me came in the format of a “threat” to our marriage, actually through my husband’s use of his phone and texting. My husband is the farthest thing from a “techy” person. Very little computer or device use, spends absolutely NO time on social media. Kind of the last thing I would have thought was that my husband would be the one getting sucked in by devices, leading him down a dangerous path. However, I believe the Lord used this to open MY eyes, to how my own use of technology/social media was driving a wedge between us in our marriage, one that I was absolutely blind to seeing, as I was so caught up in creating my own perfect little world where I tried to control everything and thought as long as I did, then I could assure the outcome. How very, very, wrong I was, and I thank the Lord for showing me this!

I was the one in our marriage who spent all the time on devices, having to stay “connected”. I always viewed my technology time as “harmless” and a way to stay in touch with family and friends that I am separated from by distance. Well I guess over time, I started to let my time spent “connecting” with others in this way increase more and more, to the point I was pretty much having a device in my hand most of the time. I would “browse” and “chat” and whatever while I was spending time with my husband and family, thinking I was still “there” with them, when really I wasn’t. I was giving them only what was left, as my attention was always split, and I was always distracted.

Over time, as those devices competed for more of my attention, along with my disrespecting and controlling ways in so many other areas of my life, I was pushing my husband away more and more. I see now it was just another tool Satan uses to drive a wedge in our relationships. I was completely blind to the impact it was having. My husband was already pulling away because of all my disrespect and controlling ways (which I didn’t see then) and this was like another nail in the coffin of our marriage.

He felt less and less important as it was yet another way I was using my time for something else, and only giving him the “leftovers” which wasn’t much with a technology “habit”, a full time job, kids, kids activities, household duties, etc. And then the more he pulled away, the more I substituted the time I should have spent with him, just accepting he wanted to be “left alone” and just turned more to my devices and social media for companionship. It was a destructive cycle. We spent most of our time in the same house just existing side by side, but so little time actually “connecting” with one another. And the more I craved that connection with him that we USED to have, the more frustrated I got, and the more I just comforted myself in time spent on social media where I felt better “connected”. And I was just absolutely blind to the impact this destructive habit was having on our lives. This went on for a long, long time.

Then my husband, who doesn’t hardly bother with any of it, the gadgets, the internet, hates social media, etc. started getting attention from someone that he had met through his work (no longer works with her now, thankfully) who found him “interesting.” This someone was half his age and started bombarding him through text-chatting. First it was a text here or there, then within only days it had grown to a continuous chat where he was ignoring me yet almost hanging on every word in that conversation. It was growing into something fast and furious.

And I, in my perfect little world (or thought so), couldn’t get a word out of him! I was dumbfounded! Hit right over the head. I clued in that something was amiss as his behavior because very hidden and secretive, not like him at all. It wasn’t long before the Lord revealed what was going on to me and I am thankful that He revealed it before it went TOO far (although he had met with her when I wasn’t around as “just friends”). Even though at that time I was not really “listening” to him, I can say that I clearly see this was the moment the Lord was using to show me the dangers and the impact of what the “idol of technology” that I had made was doing to us!

I can clearly see now how this easily could have been me. But I thought my own actions were perfectly fine, because of course I couldn’t see who I was then! The Lord turned it around to finally open my eyes to the self-destructive path I was on in my own life (in many ways), by using the one in our marriage, who didn’t use technology at all in his personal life, to show us how dangerous this idol can be in our lives and what a devastating impact it can have on our relationships!

It was VERY rejecting and hurtful that I had already felt I had lost my best friend over the last couple years in our marriage that was spiraling downhill very quickly, and that connection I desperately wanted back had easily been picked up by someone else when I hadn’t been giving my husband the respect that he deserved in so many ways. It wasn’t JUST that, but it was the pivotal moment, and it was the beginning of the painful truth of how much our marriage was near the breaking point. It was at that point that things really exploded between us and my husband had clearly said he was “done.”

Through that experience, the Lord clearly showed me the truth about so many things about myself, and it was the beginning of a turning point where I finally gave control over to Him and stopped fighting for it. The Lord revealed so many things I could never clearly see before.

  • One of the things that came out was my husband sharing how rejected he felt that connecting with everyone else in the world was more important than him.

It was only a matter of time that something (ie. someone) came up to fulfill his loneliness and give him some attention to enjoy that I was no longer giving him. It was a HUGE eye opener. We have now dealt with that issue and I believe we finally have the technology monster under control. I made the commitment to no longer using technology when we were together and if so it’s something that we are looking at together or else it’s off limits.

We both have made the commitment to the phones coming out of our hands and getting left out where each other can see them but they aren’t used. We make the effort to power them off and leave them behind when we are doing something that doesn’t require technology. It is something we have to be diligent about and we realize that, as it’s so easy to not even notice how much of our lives gets consumed by it. While I believe personal technology has been a wonderful, powerful advancement that has helped the world in so many ways, it also has opened so many doors to temptation, the opportunity to connect in ways we couldn’t before, the opportunity to “be” people we aren’t as we hide behind a screen, and if the devil can use it to get his foot in the door to destroy our relationships and make us dishonor God, he will. We must be on alert at all times, or it will happen before we realize what hit us.

I now only use my phone/device for any length of time generally during the time when I am not with my husband/family. I will only spend any length of time on social media, texting, checking email if I have time to myself. I realize now that staying “connected” to the world, is not what I need ALL the time. Staying connected to God IS all that I need. He is the only connection I need to have “open” all the time. Honouring my relationship with my husband and my family is honouring God. I now spend my time with my family without a device in my hand. I’m not perfect at it, but I try my best. And when I feel that itch, pulling me away from what is important, and trying to pull me back into immersing myself in social media, etc, I will continue to turn to God. I know He will help me overcome it. He has been faithful every step of this journey so far and I know He promises to be all that we need if we turn to Him.

 

 

44 thoughts on ““My Technology Addiction Hurt Our Marriage” – a Guest Post

  1. Can I please ask for prayer, my boyfriend who I prayed for during 5 years of being single has left me for this exact reason
    Please I am praying for reconciliation between Shaun and I. Please pray for me. Thanks Vanessa

  2. How ironic that women used to complain about their husband watching too much TV, sports, etc. and withdrawing…it seems Satan has provided an “equal opportunity” for women in the form of FB, etc.! Wise words to all of us to re-examine if we are “using” too much and can this be time better spent elsewhere? There is research that shows that adolescents who spend alot of time on FB have a correlation with more depressed mood. Not what I want for myself and my family.

  3. An additional but extremely important point: you said you caught this thankfully “before it went too far.” Gently, I want to point out that your husband has had an affair. It is often felt that an affair is only when it becomes physical. This is an incorrect view. Much of an affair happens within the mind, particularly in the fantasy section. When your husband became secretive, that is when he began to have an affair. This is an important point because it should be dealt with. If it is swept under the rug, it can happen again as part of the denial is “I didn’t really have an affair because we did not have sex.” Affairs that are emotional are still sexual. There is a sexual tension even though it is unconsummated.

    I would urge you (and any others of us in similar situations) to prayerfully consider having counseling with a professional who has experience in this area. It would be important for your husband to recognize that he has indeed been unfaithful to your marriage. Then you both need to talk together and dig deep about why. You cannot take the blame for your husband’s affair on yourself. You may have contributed to the circumstances that made him vulnerable to an affair (too much technology) but having an affair is always the Betraying spouse’s sole responsibility. Rick Reynolds has a short piece about emotional affairs on his affair recovery website that you can read here. https://www.affairrecovery.com/types-of-affairs/emotional-affair. A lot to think about. Hope this helps.

  4. April,

    It was a blessing to see my own words this morning, as I needed to refresh my memory on this very topic! For the most part we are keeping technology under control, but I do find that when my husband is working nights I am spending too much time on social media and I believe the Lord has planted in my mind this morning that I also need to have more self control over that as well.

    Vanessa,
    Technology can be a wonderful thing but also such a hinderance in our relationships. I will pray for you that you will also be able to control this monster and will pray for your reconciliation.

    Marked wife,

    Thank you so much for your words. Yes, fortunately we have dealt with the issue of my husbands actions and he has taken full responsibility for his mistakes and his part in driving our marriage to rock bottom. I didn’t want to get into too much detail as the post was already long, but our healing process has been a journey and just as you suggested, we were able to deal with a lot of things and we were careful not to just sweep everything under the rug as we believe, as well, this is very dangerous and achieves very little in the long term. Dealing with the issues has been a long process.

    As I have apologized for my disrespectful and controlling ways that contributed to this downward spiral, he has also apologized for how he got caught up in the attention when he should not have put himself in that position, and for his wrong behaviours. He also has worked through his own failures along this healing journey, taking accountability for his lack of involvement in our marriage, and for finding other outlets for his discontentment rather than approaching me and working on solving the problems. In regards to his actions with this other woman, he has acknowledged how he let himself get led astray and I absolutely believe his remorse over the situation is genuine.

    You are so right though, healing can never happen if there is no willingness to deal with the issues and take accountability on both sides. It cannot be a one sided journey. Over the last 6 months it has been a sometimes painful but amazing journey. It is only because we both were able to admit our failures that we could restore our marriage. I firmly believe this issue was the way the Lord was finally able to get our attention to how bad things were. And specifically for me, get my attention to how badly I needed him in my life that I could not go on the way I was in my old self.

    Our marriage right now, I believe, is the strongest it has ever, ever been. After years of frustration we finally feel like we are a true team in our marriage. We have dealt with issues that built up and were not dealt with for 20 years. The transformation in our marriage has been nothing short of amazing, and I have peace and contentment in the Lord that I tried to find elsewhere but could not, for so many years. It was all possible in the Lord’s power I give all the glory to God as I know none of this could have ever been achieved on our own.

    My husband right now is in a different place in his spiritual journey for a few reasons, and I am praying for him but every day I see evidence of the Lord working in his heart. Unlike in the past, though, I have learned I cannot be the Holy Spirit to my husband and God doesn’t need me. He has clearly shown me I need to wait and I have learned that silence is much more effective than trying to lead him where I have no power to lead him.

    I trust completely that the Lord is in control and that He is working on it. My husband, I believe, is on the road, but it’s a slower and more cautious walk and I have learned to be content that only God can help my husband to take bigger steps and for now I’m trusting in Him while I focus on my own journey and that’s ok. One thing I am glad of is my husband does know God, he is not really far away, just not ready to fully commit to a personal relationship with him and I believe he struggles with the understanding of how to really have that personal relationship. I understand his struggle well as six months ago I was still there as well, I just couldn’t “get” it and never understood why. So right now I am respectful and wait for God’s timing. God was able to finally open my eyes to see how to take those steps, and only He can do that for my husband. I am fully trusting that in His time He will, our God is faithful and He has the power to heal every heart.

    1. Melanie,
      Wow! This is how it started for my husband. He started texting another woman and when I found out I was so hurt. He told me he stopped, but he locked his phone and found another way to chat with an app. I struggled so much with this.

      In Feb. our home burned down and 3 weeks later he moved out. He is now seeing this OW and it kills me. I had filed for divorce but stopped it a month ago. Slowly there are some signs that God might be working in his heart. I am trying to let God take care of him and understand it’s God’s timing, but wow its hard.

      So I have begun focusing on me by exercising, reading devotions and scriptures. I have a lot more faith today than I did 6 months ago. My friends think I am crazy for standing for my husband, but I can’t let him go. I love him and I want our family healed. Your story inspired me! Thanks for sharing!!

      1. Tina,

        I am grateful to the Lord that Him allowing me the opportunity to share my story has inspired you. I am so glad that you are seeing signs that God is working in his heart. Have faith in the Lord.

        One thing that The Lord spoke to me during this process was that as I was hurting immensely and felt so betrayed, my husband was essentially no different than me. He is a sinner in need of God’s grace, just like me. We both allowed things to come between us in our marriage. We both have our sins that were destroying our relationship and it wasn’t fair for me to judge him in his sins as being so awful, yet dismissing my own as less significant. The Lord has reminded me daily, that while I convinced myself for so long that all my actions were ok and it was my husband’s actions that were causing the problems, my husband’s sins and my sins are equal in HIS eyes. They are all sins.

        This was one of the key things the Lord taught me that has helped me be able to forgive my husband. I felt betrayed by his embracing the attention of another woman when I tried so hard to get it (now I know I was trying to get it in all the wrong ways!). My husband also felt betrayed that I always acted like he was inferior, like my ways were always better, like I was superior to him, and eventually he got to the point he felt he could never measure up to my expectations. I just never, ever saw it because I was blind in my own self-absorbed world.

        Looking at it this way, I could see myself being refreshed in and possibly falling for the attention of someone who was interested in me for just who I am too, with no endless measuring stick and unrealistic expectations. Does it justify his actions? Not in the least, and he acknowledges that, but I have to say that the Lord showing me that perspective is what helped me to be able to forgive him and understand it.

        There has been a lot of painful moments on both sides in the last six months but I am grateful to the Lord for getting us to this place. He is such an awesome God. I will pray for healing for your marriage, and that you will keep seeking God and what He wants you to do in his life, and trust in Him that no matter what happens He will take care of you. He is faithful.

      2. Tina,

        I am so glad to hear an update – but very sorry to hear what is going on with the OW. 🙁 Praying for you, my precious sister. I love that you are seeking God with all your heart. I know He can make something beautiful of this mess. Sending a huge hug!

        How may we pray for you?

  5. I needed this. I do spend too much time on my smartphone. I, too, feel that it’s fine because my boyfriend spends all of his time watching TV – so what’s the difference, right? I’m not being tempted by other men online. So, what’s the problem?

    Well, we’re not connecting as much as we should. I’m sure it looks bad from his point of view when I’m staring at a screen all the time. He’s actually mentioned it a few times and half-jokes about it. It’s obvious he doesn’t love what I’m doing, and I need to respect that.

    Thank you for posting this, April. 🙂

  6. I have just the OPPOSITE, my husband will do NOTHING!!!! on the computer….this includes his medical records, filling of prescriptions. sending an e-mail to (HIS) Dr. .,appt. reminders…. all of the technology is a blessing and a curse, but I do try to limit my time on devices & I try to do computer things when he is not at home…but as always Thank you for posting this, April

    1. iowasc,

      I know that you are a blessing to him, my sweet sister! 🙂 And so glad you get to have some time together.

      I hope you are both doing well! It is wonderful to hear from you!

      Much love,
      April

  7. Thank you for sharing with us. I am glad God showed you too much technology was hurting your marriage. However, your Husband made the choice to go too far with the other woman. Please don’t think that you overusing technology made him cross the lines. Of course it contributed to drifting apart, but we each have free will and have to make the choice to honor our marriage vows and not cross the line with someone of the opposite sex. It sounds like God has taught you so much.

    1. Thanks Ashlie,

      No I don’t believe in the least that it was my use of technology that made him venture down the wrong path and do what he did. However I do believe that the drifting apart due to my technology addiction and my disrespect for him in so many ways did contribute significantly to the direction he was going which did result in him making a very bad choice. He fully admits that he made many mistakes and has taken accountability for what he did and in general for his part in our problems. This crisis was only a small part of the big mountain of issues and I believe the Lord used that incident to show us how bad things really were between us.

      I am so thankful to the Lord for showing me where my own actions were contributing to the failure of my marriage when for a long, long time, I truly believed he was all to blame for all the problems and I was superior to him AND to God. I could do nothing wrong in our marriage. My ways were perfect and I really could see nothing else. It was very ironic that the very thing that opened my own eyes to how far exactly I had driven in that wedge, was through the use of technology by the one in our marriage who hadn’t actually ever idolized it before and it was clearly an idol for me for a long time. Technology was only one of my many, many idols that I have learned to recognize and tear down and am still working on tearing down in my life.

      The Lord opening my eyes to my own sins and showing me to finally understand God’s plan for marriage and for my own salvation through Christ, crumbled everything I had convinced myself to believe about how life and marriage should be. It is only after I had stepped down off my personally made throne that I was able to take accountability for my own part of the failure and start over. The Lord bringing me to this point to see that, was the olive branch that was needed in our marriage to bring us together again.

      Now we have been working together for the last six months to restore and rebuild what had been crumbling for so many years. Our marriage is stronger after this crisis than it has ever been and I praise God for allowing us a second chance. Both of us are learning, and I see so many genuine changes in my husband I am amazed. It’s like all the things I tried to manipulate, force, nag, and control him into doing for years and only ever produced frustration, are finally coming into our marriage and it was ONLY after I finally handed the reigns over to God, and recognized He was the only one that could ever be in control.

      One of April’s posts about ‘why do I have to change first’ was pivotal for me. God used this post to prepare me for what He was about to do – to show me every area of my life and marriage for which I needed to repent. I learned through this process that I am only responsible for and can only be accountable for my own part in the destruction of our marriage. That is why I don’t generally talk about or continue to blame my husband for his part. I have left that between him and God and it is only since I have released that, that I have started to experience real peace and forgiveness.

      I struggled with this tremendously at first and it was torturing, and God clearly spoke to me and told me that there is no grading system for our sins through HIS eyes, and for the first time I was able to see that my husband and I are absolutely no different, we are BOTH sinners in need of Gods mercy and grace. His crossing the line did not in any way make my own sins any less significant. My husband is accountable for his own actions and all I can control are my own. Dwelling on the failures on his part never did and never will accomplish anything on my own spiritual journey. It took a long time to see that but I thank God now I think I am finally beginning to understand.

      When I came to the Lord and I gave everything to Him, I had no idea what was going to happen in my marriage. But what I did know was that I could not fight the Lord for control any longer. For the first time in my life I heard the Lord and knew this was for real. I was absolutely terrified of losing control and intensely feared losing my husband and my marriage. But God helped me work through this intense fear and understand that if my husband did not stay I would be just fine.

      I have gone from a smothering, uncontrollable fear to having peace in trusting the Lord with my marriage. I vowed to make the changes the Lord was calling me to make and that was all I could do and all that was required. I have been very blessed that our marriage has done a complete turnaround as I have learned to put my trust in God and stop trying to claim the control that was never mine to have.

      1. Thank you so much for sharing your feelings! I struggle with fear and control too. Also with self image and self esteem. Sometimes the struggle is tough.

  8. What I also like about this post is that it shows that women and men are pretty much the same. I had a trauma in my childhood that made me think that men tend to focus on their addictions while women tend to focus on family and kids. Then I understood that women also can do much harm to relationships.
    However then I had a problem which brought me to support groups for partners of porn addicts. I read all the heartbreaking stories. I found some usefull information, but also I struggled with that idea from my childhood trauma again. It made me think that men are less caring for the relationships. That women are hurt by their addictions and they simply do not understand how much pain is caused. For personal reasons such stories are no good for me.
    But then I came across a forum where both women and men share their struggles for the relationships. And surprisingly I noticed the same pain they face when wifes are hiding porn, addicted to erotic novels, physically attracted to other guys and so on. Even the questions very exactly the same! Exactly! As “what else are you hiding?”, “how can I trust you again?”, “is it the matter of time for you to step out of the marriage?”. I felt relief for my pain of blaming men for problems like that,
    We are the same and the reason for pain is that we tend to sin.

    1. Kate,

      Thank you so much for sharing these insights. Yes! Husbands and wives have the same capacity to hurt each other. And you are right – it is because of sin. I’m so glad you are able to see this more clearly.

      Much love to you!

      1. Please pray for me. I’m still on this journey of PTSD recovery. I still have some painfull flashbacks, there are reminders sometimes. I need to let it go and let God to restore my heart.

        It’s a crazy thought but sometimes I wish to change the roles, to be the one causing problem in the relationship. It’s awful, I know. Because I don’t know how to deal with all this wide range of emotions. When it’s so easy with the addiction, you just should not act on it and it’s gone. You don’t want to cry if you notice a hot naked girl on the screen. If you relapse you can forget about it because you forgive yourself. But it’s more complicated with the emotions.

        My only hope is God, I’m not able to handle it myself.

        1. Kate,

          I’m so very sorry to hear about how painful this is. 🙁 But you are so right, precious sister, that God can restore and heal your heart completely!

          I don’t know that addictions are “easy” to deal with. I think many people struggle mightily with them. Ultimately, they are idols. But how thankful I am that God can give us victory over them!

          Would you like to talk about some of the emotions you are dealing with?

          No pressure!

          Much love to you!

          1. Thank you, April! I appreciate it so much! I get overwhelmed with my emotions sometimes and have nobody to talk to about it. Since my first comment I’ve read some topics about forgiviness and resentment.
            And I realised the pain is caused by my sin of not forgiving and holding resentment. My mistake was waiting for true remorse, I wanted to see something remarkable. However now I realise I need to forgive despite anything and not wait for anything. That brings peace. Note that here I mean that I don’t deal with an unrepentant sin against me but rather with being not so carefull about my feelings as I would like so that there are triggers from time to time.
            Thank you for everything! Next time I get overwhelmed again I’d like to share thoughts with you. I really appreciate your help!

          2. Kate,

            It’s so freeing to realize that we can forgive no matter if the other person is repentant or not – so that we are not held in a prison of resentment. Of course, trust has to be rebuilt if it was broken. So we would need to see fruit of repentance in our husband if he broke trust. But you can be free in Christ no matter what your husband does.

            And sometimes, too, our expectations about what repentance looks like can be an issue. Sometimes we can have unrealistic expectations of what we want our husband to do to demonstrate “true remorse” in our minds.

            You are always welcome here. Praying for God’s continued healing for you and your marriage!

            Much love!

          3. I’m here again looking for some advice. My problem is that I have put too much hope into my marriage. I dreamed about a christian family for many years, I thought it was like a miricle for the first years.
            About a year ago I realised there was an addiction(i mentioned above), I confronted and he was really repentant. I had a lot of hope that together we are going to overcome it.
            Each time I noticed his slips I had hopes that they will stop.
            Now I’m losing hope because I can see that he apologizes sincerely about what happenes, but than it happens again.
            I lost my hope. I went to gym, lost weight, tried to spice up thinhs in bed.
            But no I feel I have lost the battle. It happens again and again. I used to confront each time I noticed that he was looking at brautiful naked girls, but now I don’t want. Because I look like a mum and paranoic and control freak.
            Other than that the relationships are fine. I just wish I would not care.
            Oh, God, let me not care about it, let me not feel like ugly and guilty and miserable control freak.

          4. Kate,

            My precious sister, that is a very painful situation. 🙁 Sin is hurtful. I don’t think it is possible to not be hurt by a husband’s sinful addiction. So I actually don’t want to pray that you won’t care. But what I do want to pray is that you find all of the healing that is available for you in Christ and for God to bring healing to your husband and marriage.

            I invite you to search my home page for “porn” for a number of posts that I believe may be a blessing. Also, the site http://www.xxxchurch.org has resources for those addicted to porn as well as for spouses of those struggling with porn.

            Marriage and human relationships are fragile. That is true. And no human can fulfill our deepest needs. But I believe God could use this very situation to greatly impact your walk with Him and deepen your faith. Would you be interested in doing a spiritual check up with me where I would ask you some general things to get a pulse on where you are and then I can seek to point you to the healing Jesus has for you?

            I also invite you to search things on my home page like:

            – worry
            – fear
            – lordship of Christ
            – why do I have to change first?
            how can I be a godly wife?

            Much love to you! I would love to walk beside you on this journey. I know God wants to do some radical things in your heart and I believe that may be the first step for healing in your marriage, too.

          5. Kate,
            And another note:

            Christian marriage IS to be sacred, special, divine, and holy. Right now, your husband is trapped by the enemy of his soul and right now, he can’t get out of that prison. But he is not beyond the reach of God. I hope you might especially read the post that is a prayer for those involved in porn.

            Much love and the biggest hug to you!

          6. Also for about a year I pray alone and go to church only with kids often times, he wants to sleep. I notice families coming and feel sad that I’m alone there.
            But than I ask myself, why have I put so many efforts to something that is so fragile? I recall the days when i was young and I thought that a christian family is something special, something sacred and divine and holy.
            Now I need to rewire my brains….
            Nobody is going to ask me “Was your marriage really christian?” when time comes.
            How to stop worrying? How to focus on my individual christian life?

          7. Thank you so much, April! Your reply is such a blessing to me! I have mixed feelings. I really need to focus on my relationships with Christ and possibly solution will come.
            I don’t know may be my expectations are too high and may be my “gut feeling” is going to turn to paranoia.
            Unfortunately counseling, accountability partners, support groups are not popular where I live. I read about all these beautiful things but unable to implement. From time to time I start to worry and don’t know if I do it for a reason or without any reason.
            Becouse of all these troubles I can see myself as a controlling person, people pleaser with a fear of rejection, constantly looking for signs of rejection.
            Sometimes I want to go somewhere for a trip in order to avoid triggers I face from time to time. Right now it’s not possible, but the idea gives me some peace of mind.

            God bless you! Thank you soooo much!

          8. Kate,

            How severe is the addiction, do you believe?

            Is he a believer in Christ? Does he admit the addiction is a problem? Or does he think he is doing nothing wrong?

            Is he willing to look at http://www.xxxchurch.org?

            What are your expectations?

            What do you want to see happen in your marriage?

            What are your greatest fears?

            What do you believe you need most to be content?

            What has your walk with Christ been like lately?

            Much love to you! 🙂

          9. Addiction is not severe. From regular user he turned to an occasional one. Also the pattern has changed. Now it’s stuff like in Playboy, but on the web from time to time.
            I was so upset because I started to think “So this is how recovery looks, he is a man, so there is nothing more he can do. Just accept it. That is never going to stop completely “. I shouldn’t feel this way as my happiness is in God’s hands but I was trapped with this thought that this is recovery and we are ok now.
            Yesterday I turned to men who have recovered and they told me that’s not true! I felt relief and peace.
            He knows that’s a problem. But not a big one. Actually nevertheless it hurts me deeply it’s not the biggest one in our lives.
            Sometimes I’m on a roller coaster: I was so depressed a couple of days ago with the fact that this situation will last forever now, but today I think I should leave it between him and God.
            We are both Christians. He knows that’s a problem, but not a big deal.
            My fear is to repeat what I saw in my parents marriage, where dad had alcohol addiction and mum was a co-dependent.
            Actually I show signs of co dependency. He suffers from depressions greatly. And I’m to focused on these problems. I’m a people pleaser, I cry easily and feel like a victim, I can’t insist on anything.
            I want to be stronger, want to find my power in God.
            No, he wouldn’t look at the resource and reluctant to talk about it. Though I ask like once a month how is recovery going and than feel guilt that I’m not forgiving and think too much about not a big problem.
            But when I find something about how it affects brains he would listen. I have to admit he wants to be recovered but may be he doesn’t understand what recovery means.

          10. I feel that I’m on a roler coaster. Sometimes I think nothing bad is happening, it’s not about you, relax, he loves you, you are fine, the addiction is not severe, you are exagerating.

            Than come thoughts how is it possible that a loving husband is addicted to other women bodies? What is love at all? Do I know him at all?

            Then I just want to stop. To jump off that roaler coaster. Just to cut off the asking and aching part of the heart. We are good friends after all. There are a lot of good things that I don’t want to lose, there is a lot of joy in our lives.

            Am I inadequate?

          11. Kate,

            So many wives blame themselves when they have husbands who are addicted to porn. It isn’t usually about whether the wife is inadequate. It is usually about that a husband has a sin nature and has an addiction. Can wives do things to make themselves more or less attractive? Yes. But if a man is addicted to porn, it really doesn’t matter what she does or does not do, he will be addicted. It is very much like a drug addiction. Lust and porn use are sin. They are wrong. It is a big deal. All sin is a big deal. All sin leads to death (Rom. 3:23). All sin, when left unchecked gets progressively worse and more destructive. There is no sin that couldn’t destroy a marriage. Porn addiction, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, betrayal of trust, pride, self-righteousness, idolatry, etc…

            Have you read some of the resources on http://www.xxxchurch.org or the posts I shared?

            What is God speaking to you?

            If he spend the night with a laptop and cleared the history, that is a pretty good sign that something did happen.

            Is it possible that you may be confusing forgiveness with trust? Love, forgiveness, and trust are very different things. God never commands us to trust sinful people.

            Would it be okay if we look at some of the toxic thinking you have in your own heart and work on your healing in Christ together a bit?

            Much love to you!

          12. Recently I woke up and found out he spent night behind a laptop. History cleared. If I confront he would say that nothing bad happened and I need to be loving and forgiving anyway. I would feel guilty that I’m not trusting. Uh….

          13. Thank you so much, April! I’ve read a lot. Yes, your blog, covenant eyes, some topics from xxx church, nofap forum.
            Now I see it’s time for me to Really concentrate on prayer only. I feel I’m so weak. I tried to talk about the issue many times but to no avail. I see now that’s because I’m nervous and don’t want to hurt people. When I see signs of sorrow , I want to apologize and forget about the issue. But then it comes to my mind again.
            I’ll pray and wait. And then I’ll try to have a calm and open conversation with a list of arguments, may be even in written form.
            And my problem is that I worry a lot. I need to calm down and pray for peace.
            When I’m ready may I ask you for a piece of advice to prepare for the conversation?

          14. It started in teenage years or even earlier. I don’t know. And I had no clue about it for 8 years. I thought we were very good christians. I discovered about 2 years ago. And I want it to stop completely, but feel it may be too big sacrifice for him.

          15. Kate,

            It is right to want this to stop completely. How it breaks my heart – so many boys start into porn as teenagers, some even in middle school or elementary school. And then they are ensnared and don’t know how to get out of this trap of the enemy.

            Keep in mind that Satan is the real enemy. Sin is the real enemy. Your husband is not the enemy. He may have no idea how to get out of this – so, he may need some help. But probably not the kind of help most wives would try to give in this situation. It is not like you can just tell him to stop and he can stop. Addictions are more complicated than that. And this is not about you. He had this before he met you – it is very much like a drug addiction. It is about the high he can get – the dopamine hit. What you can do is be in the best position in Christ possible and healed up yourself so that you are overflowing with the love, truth, and power of Jesus – and then you can be an effective prayer warrior against the real enemy here. And we will pray that God will work in his heart so that he is willing to reach out to the resources and support he needs to stop this.

            Addictions are idols. They can be torn out. But it is painful. And that person has to be willing. God can open our eyes in situations like that. Your husband is not beyond His reach!

            Only you can decide if you can continue living with him while this is going on if it is severe, especially. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” maybe a helpful post. Sometimes, God will use a wife’s respectful separation to wake up a husband. But other times, God may prompt a wife to stay and fight with her husband as a team against this thing.

            Now, what can we do to support you and your walk spiritually in Christ? That is my first concern.

            What do you believe God wants you to be doing now and what does He want to heal in your own heart?

            Much love!

          16. April, thank you for your love and help. I was in church yesterday and received so much peace from God. Today I feel I have no pain at all, but joy.
            Yes, I need to remind myself there are results of enemy’s work in both of our hearts. Mine is worrying to much, resentment, not much hope in God.
            Actually what I am longing for most of all is compassion. But unfortubately I can see that there is a lack of understanding of my heart on his part. May be that is the situation you described with comparison to a car crash where one person cannot help another because of damage.

            And that pops up in conversations. For instance I see phisical infidelity as a disaster and he as “wrong”.
            My problem that I became too sensitive, I know. I want to be stronger. I’m may be mistaken about the extent of the addiction. Actually he may deleted history because I became a bit more sensetive to the topic lately. But that lack of compassion hurts the most.
            Previously I didn’t look for any freinds, but these days I want to have freinds among people who love God very much. And I pray for that.

            That post you have mentioned is a truly blessing. I want to be in that place very much!!!
            Thank you!

          17. Kate,

            I’m so glad you are experiencing God’s peace and joy! There is no better place to be. 🙂

            I have some posts about worry, fear, and bitterness if you are interested. You may search each of those terms and there are a number of posts that may be a blessing.

            Yes, porn addiction is sin. It is destructive to marriages. It grieves God’s heart. It is a betrayal of trust and of the marriage covenant. It is not that you shouldn’t be hurt by his sin. His sin is hurtful and wrong.

            But – the question is, how can you handle this situation in the power, wisdom, and truth of God – with the primary goal of seeing him restored to Christ?

            I pray God will provide strong, godly women to be prayer partners with you. 🙂

            Much love, my dear sister!

  9. Thank you for this post!

    I struggle with addiction to technology as well, which is kind of ridiculous, because I’m also awful with technology and I hate it. LOL

    I find that, as someone said above, the more I use it, the more depressed/anxious I become. It’s a poor substitute for actual human contact. That said, it’s also quite necessary for someone who’s working on becoming a writer. 😛 So I have to be careful how I spend my time on it. I don’t want my husband or kids to feel I’m prioritizing it over them.

    I am so blessed by my family, and I want to give them the time they deserve, and be a faithful steward of what the Lord has given me. 🙂 I also want to make sure I’m glorifying and honoring God by carving out a chunk in the morning of each day to pray and read His Word.

    Thank you for the helpful reminder, TrulyBlessed. 😀 God bless you as you continue to rebuild your relationship with your husband.

    1. Can I ask you all to please pray for me. I lost my boyfriend a week ago and this was one of the reasons, this as well as my pms moods apparently. Please I’m praying for reconciliation between him and i. Please pray for me and Shaun, please pray that he forgives me and he realizes that I will change and that he gives us another chance.
      Thanks God bless
      Vanessa

      1. Vanessa,

        Of course I will pray for you both. My greatest prayer is that each of you will find individual spiritual healing and oneness with Jesus first, then you may be able to build a godly, solid relationship in a new way. 🙂

        How are you doing with Christ this week? This is a time when God is calling you to Himself for you to be transformed by His power if you are willing. I believe He intends it to be a great time of spiritual growth and maturity for you as you seek Him far above all else.

        Much love!

        1. Thank you so much. I just heard from him he told me the reasons why we split up and honestly they are things God can fix easily. I’m holding onto God for dear life right now, I want him to be first in my life and I want that for Shaun also. The I pray for God to reconcile and restore our relationship

          1. Vanessa,

            My prayer is that you will continue to seek Christ first so that you can have Jesus and the abundant spiritual life He offers to you. 🙂 I’m glad you are seeking Him and that you are feeling hopeful.

            Much love to you!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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