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A Fellow Wife Begins a New Challenge – "I'm Going to Actually Believe My Husband"

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I first “met” A Fellow Wife in October of 2012. We have had some INTENSE conversations over the past 3 years. This has been a difficult journey many times for her – as it was for me (and as it is for all of us, I would daresay). I always love sharing what God is teaching her. I pray this might bless you (If your husband is involved in unrepentant sin, is abusive, is a compulsive liar, or is not in his right mind for some reason, perhaps you can’t believe your husband and this post may not be a good fit for you.) Thankfully, most of us really have decent men who are pretty straightforward and honest with us about what they say or who would like to feel safe enough with us to be straightforward and honest with us – even if they are not believers.

I’ve been thinking how different our marriage would be if I just truly took my husband at his word, if I believed him, if I took him as literally as he intends his words to be INSTEAD of allowing doubt and insecurity to creep in. Instead of over-analyzing and worrying he may not mean what he’s saying or that he’s just trying to spare my feelings or avoid conflict. How much more secure would I be in his love? How much happier would I be in our marriage. How much have I allowed Satan to steal from me through causing doubt, fear and insecurity?

  • Instead of thinking maybe he doesn’t want to have sex because I’m not a size 0, maybe he truly is just tired.
  • Instead of thinking he doesn’t love me as much as he says he does, just believe him.
  • Instead of believing I’m a low priority because he has things he wants to do, how about believing him when he says he just has things he wants to get done and it’s no reflection of his feelings for me.
  • How about believing him when he says he loves me with his entire heart instead of wondering if he’s truly got his priorities in order and prioritizes his marriage?

It would be a MUCH less painful way to live.

The reason I shared this is that I was thinking that doubt and insecurity can steal SO much from you – they’ve certainly been enemies of mine the last few years and I’m tired of the battle. It’s certainly easier and feels much better to have confidence in his love for me.

My husband’s biggest complaint (or close to the top) over the years has been that I don’t believe him.

I don’t want him to feel that way at all! It’s not been a matter of believing him but a matter of doubt and insecurity creeping in. But I want to conquer that. Love believes all things (Corinthians 13:8)!

I once read in book that Satan’s weapons are always doubt, deceit and distraction and if you can trace your thoughts back to those then you know you’re in a spiritual battle.

This is definitely a battle of doubt.

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Isn’t this the same issue we have with God so many times? What would happen if we just believed Him and took the Bible at face value and accepted His Word to us?

But, back to talking about our husbands. It has been my experience that most husbands really do try to tell their wives the truth in a very straightforward way. We tend to get ourselves into a lot of trouble though, because some of us want to read into everything. What did that look mean? What was that inflection in his voice? Maybe he really meant this, not what he said. Maybe he is trying to hide his real feelings. And we get into a big tizzy over all of the possible interpretations we can imagine regarding what our husband said rather than just taking his words at face value.

That is a LOT of unnecessary drama and angst, my dear sisters!

It is extremely frustrating to a man to tell his wife the truth and then have her not believe it and begin imagining 96 other things he may have meant – that he definitely did not mean.  In fact, for a man to tell his wife the truth and for her not to believe him and to assume evil ulterior motives instead feels really disrespectful to a man. Why is that? Because she is calling him a liar. No one enjoys being called a liar. Certainly not most husbands.

What if your husband does fudge things a bit to keep from upsetting you? What do you do then? Well, I think that if you begin to take his words at face value and don’t freak out and launch into “what if” land, he may eventually begin to feel safe enough to be more honest with you when he has a problem. In fact, that is one of the signs that he feels more safe with you and that he trusts you more is that he begins to share the really hard things with you more often.

If he truly has an issue with dishonesty and lying, that is a different situation – and you may need some experienced one-on-one counseling to help you. But for most of us, what if we try taking up a challenge:

Treat your husband as if you completely believe whatever he tells you this week. Take his words at face value. Rest in them. Act on them.

  • If he says he likes something, believe him.
  • If he says he doesn’t need help – trust that he is being honest and don’t help him. 
  • If he says he thinks you are beautiful – graciously receive the compliment and rest in his words, trusting that he is telling you the truth.
  • If he doesn’t give a lot of compliments, rest in what he does to show his love for you and that he is still there.
  • If he says he loves you, receive it.
  • If he does something special for you – receive that as his way of showing love for you and appreciate him.

If he is not being honest about little things, he will figure out that he needs to change things as you begin to consistently take him literally. Your husband is probably a pretty intelligent guy. You may be amazed at how relieved he feels when you stop questioning everything he says – if you have been doing that.

In the next post, we will talk about a challenge for us to share in an honest, respectful, and straightforward way, too.

SHARE:

If you have already been down this road and have learned the blessings and freedom of just believing your husband and trusting he is being honest, please share your story.

PRAY:

How would your relationship with God change if you began to do this with Him, as well? What would happen if you just took His Word at face value – believe it and act on it?

OTHER POSTS FROM A FELLOW WIFE

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “A Fellow Wife Begins a New Challenge – "I'm Going to Actually Believe My Husband"

  1. I want to first Thank you, I have been struggling with this for years now. This truly hit home for me, and was an eye opener. God will always provide you with what you need, you just have to accept it. Thank you once again for sharing, I accept this challenge ! May The Lord bless other wives who are struggling in this same area with Strength to over come the doubt that satan places in our hearts about our husbands. God Bless you all.

  2. Thank you so much April this has been my problem since I was dating my husband .Even when he decided to marry me still I couldnt believe anything that comes out of his mouth.Just couple of weeks ago I was trying and trying to find out the reasons why I do no believe him.But today i got the answer from heaven , that even if he doesnt sound convincing I have to believe and trust , thank you my sister we have be blessed to have you in our lives

  3. April,

    To my amazement, even as an older woman I discovered how often I expected my husband to think and communicate the way I do. When I stopped those expectations and realized his way was DIRECT, no hidden meanings or clues to interpret, our life became much happier, not filled with misunderstandings, worries, and doubt about his love for me. The more I focused on pleasing God and being ME–the happier we both became.

    A wife should strive to love and respect her husband deeply, but it’s also important to live YOUR life, too, not lose it within marriage. We can become so ensnared in insecurity that we lose sight of ourselves. We as individual women are worthy, beautiful people in our own right, with personalities, talents, and strengths that can sparkle, shine, and add so much joy to our own lives–AND those of our husbands. Believing our husbands is the beginning. Removing their power to either make or break our lives, and remembering that is God’s place alone, will truly give us security.

    1. Elizabeth,

      LOVE this! Thank you very much for sharing, my precious sister! I always appreciate the insights God has given you so much!

      The second paragraph you shared reminds me of something I shared on my PW FB yesterday:

      It is really tough on us as wives when our husbands are in a bad mood. In fact, it’s easy to let them pull us down if they are angry, irritable, depressed, or upset – whether it is with us or something or someone else. It is good for us to have empathy and to seek to bless our husbands or to be concerned if we did something hurtful or disrespectful. It is great for us to want to make things right if we messed up.

      But – here is some awesome news, my sisters…

      We don’t have to be tied to our husband’s bad mood. We are responsible for our own emotions and spiritual well-being. Our husbands are responsible for themselves spiritually and emotionally. We are responsible to God as to how we treat our husbands and other people – but we are not responsible FOR them or their decisions. There is great freedom when we realize what we are and what we are not responsible for.

      Our husbands can’t take away the peace, joy, power, and stability of Christ in our hearts. We don’t have to be shaken when our husbands are out of sorts.

      If we know we are doing what God desires us to do and our motives are pleasing to Christ – and we know that we are walking in obedience and the power of God’s Spirit – we can trust our husbands to God and not be thrown off course even when our men have a bad day.

      Check out Romans 8!!!

      – There is no condemnation for us if we are in Christ Jesus!
      – We are more than conquerors through Him who loved us!
      – Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ! Not even our husbands!

      (Check out the link below to see some posts about that we are responsible for ourselves emotionally and spiritually and that we are not responsible for our husband’s happiness.) http://peacefulwife.com/?s=responsible&submit.x=0&submit.y=0

  4. Pingback: Another Challenge – Let Your Yes Mean Yes and Your No Mean No |
  5. I’ll probably end up reading the book first.

    And “ouch”, five hours can quickly take up a large chunk of a day.

    Thank you for the replies.

    1. Orrey,

      Sounds like a good plan. 🙂

      I try to be as available as possible here – and am glad to do anything I can to share helpful information, my brother. 🙂 Thanks for your patience and understanding.

  6. Hi everyone! God hit me so clearly last night with why I don’t believe my husband when he says or does good things towards me. It’s because I have spent 42 years believing the little liar in my head (the Enemy) about myself and God. And 24 years believing what the little liar in my head says about how my husband couldn’t really believe good things about me instead of believing my husband!
    Well – I am going to give that to God today and quit playing that game! No more!! Thank you God for freedom in Christ! How can I still let these little foxes of doubt and negativity and attack in to destroy our marriage? And for no reason! These Proverbs hit me today about how the enemy works in our heads.
    Prov 26:20 For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, quarreling ceases.
    (I think most of our misunderstandings are stoked by the whisperer – the enemy -who makes me think we are each others’ enemies. I need to kick out the whisperer in the name of Jesus!)
    Prov 26; 28 A lying tongue hates its victims and a flattering mouth works ruin.
    (These negative thoughts and not being able to receive good from a good husband are not my friends! And when I think I am right and everyone else is wrong from that flattering whisperer – my relationships are ruined).
    Prov 26:22 The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body.
    (Think about the church, friendships and marriages ruined from us believing lies about each other and assuming the worst about others. How hard it is to dislodge them once they settle in our minds and hearts. We believe them even when there is no evidence.)

    Thank you God for the huge gift of being able to believe and receive good from You and from my husband.
    Blessings to you all!

    1. Beth,

      My precious sister!!!! THIS IS AWESOME!

      How I praise God for what He has revealed to you! And that you see who the whisperer is. WOOHOO!!!!!!!

      Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

  7. If you are dealing with a husband who has major narcissism issues – that is a different situation entirely than what A Fellow Wife is describing here. It would be extremely difficult to know if/when you could trust your husband again. It will take God’s wisdom for you to know when to trust and when to put up boundaries.

    I would certainly encourage you to stay as close to Christ as possible. You will need His wisdom, strength, and power to handle this. And I think that a situation like this would also call for outside, experienced, trustworthy help, as well.

    The main thing you are responsible for is your own sin, your attitudes, your walk with Christ, and allowing God to transform you. God can give you the wisdom and resources you need to know what He would desire you to do with your husband. I pray that God might bring spiritual healing to you both and healing to your marriage. I expect that this healing is going to take time and that the steps will be slow and small in order to rebuild trust and build a healthy relationship.

    This video may also be helpful, To Trust or Not to Trust…

    Much love to you!
    [youtube

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