Skip to main content
Mile High bridge at Grandfather Mountain

A Wife Begins to Truly Trust God and Let Go of Fear

Mile High bridge at Grandfather Mountain
Mile High bridge at Grandfather Mountain, NC

From a precious wife in whom God is doing a mighty work! She is married to a man who is believer in Christ (they don’t have major issues in their marriage like abuse, infidelity, addictions, etc…). I so appreciate her willingness to allow me to share a bit of her journey with y’all. I love to share stories from all kinds of wives in every stage of this amazing journey we are sharing together with Christ.

————

I do feel that God is doing a huge work in my life, and I am so grateful. It is very exciting, even though not easy.

There are three things that God showed to me very clearly that I would also like to share with you.

1. He showed me that all my fears and insecurities and control addiction are due to the fact that I don’t trust Him to take care of me:

In reality it is God that I think of as being responsible for my father failing me, and for every other spiritual authority (like spiritual father) failing me, because it is God who placed them in my life. That is why, knowing that He chose my husband for me doesn’t comfort me. I feel He has left me uncovered and unprotected when I most needed it. Of course, I didn’t know I was feeling like that, but He revealed it to me, He told me this is the root of the problem, and this is what He is working to heal.

1 John 4:18

2. He showed me that He is the highest authority in my life, above any other authority he placed over me, by that meaning that – He is not compromising the plans of blessing He has for me just because the people in my life who were supposed to help me, didn’t.

He did place these people in my life to bless me, but sometimes people don’t respond to God’s calling or they just make mistakes, because this is a fallen world. However, He sees and He knows what has happened and He plans to restore me completely as if I had never found my self in an disadvantaged situation. He, Himself can be for me the father, the pastor… or anyone else I feel that wasn’t there for me, including my husband, if my husband were to fail me.

He did call my husband to respond to his role as a spiritual leader, and He will work in my husband to make him a godly spiritual leader. However, I need to lay down
my expectations and make a decision that even in the worst case scenario…

Even if I face another disappointment by another spiritual authority in my life, God will meet me where I am and somehow – (I don’t know how) – He will cover that gap in my life.

That will help me lay down my idols about how my husband should be, help me accept him unconditionally, and see him as a gift and not as someone who is about to fail me all the time. That will also remove the pressure from him and take his focus off of how I might judge and reject him all the time.

I think that God is asking me to let Him show me that He can be for me everything that people failed to be in my life in the past, so that I can trust Him for the future as well, that He is going to be everything I need.

It is indeed a long journey and I need to take it just one day at a time. I have been starting to feel hopeful! I do have my ups and downs, and some days are harder than others, sometimes I just feel terrified. But I think that my heart has started to feel hopeful expectation about what God will do in my marriage and in my life in general. I am starting to see the potential of change of my self and my perspective about my husband and marriage. I think that when you try to take the first step in obeying and honoring God, He steps in to help you make it. I’m starting with baby steps to let God change one thing at a time.

I want to go through the pain of recovery because it does brings results and makes the next step a little easier every time. And it is so worth it because it leads you to His peace and freedom. I’m not there yet completely, but I am starting to see the light at the end of this long tunnel. I am learning to trust Him one baby step at a time.

(God’s design for Spiritual Authority in our lives)

3. I have always heard and thought, and I believe it to be true, that our earthly fathers represent God in our lives and we perceive God as a Father by the way they respond to this role. I have felt very disadvantaged to find myself in a place where I need to discover who God is – as a Father – for me, all by myself because my dad didn’t respond to his role. You know…feeling like my life got started all wrong just because my father hurt me and that is going to affect me for the rest of my life inevitably!

But God showed me that before my father, He was my Father. Even more precisely, before my father, HE IS my Father. The beginning of my life wasn’t when I was conceived and born by my parents, my beginning was way before that, when I was conceived in my Father’s heart and plans. That is when it all started for me. He is my real Dad.

(Romans 8:14-16)

A STORY – I RESPONDED IN A NEW WAY TO MY HUSBAND

The other day my husband and I were talking about a financial decision he made, and we both knew he had to make it in a short time. I had let him know that it’s up to him to decide but when he finally told me what he actually decided, I started feeling all the well-known fearful and disappointed feelings that I do every time I think I would have done some thing differently than he did!

I tried not to say much (and that’s also progress by the way!) but couldn’t hide my disappointment and concern, and suddenly my husband became gloomy and sad and started telling me how he feels pressured about me thinking that he has made the wrong decision all the time.

It was such a wonderful morning until this conversation. So, I started thinking what would be the right way for me to handle this. He was responsible to make the decision. He was trying to make it wisely so, even if I thought he made a mistake, I should trust God with it and let it go. Letting go is always the problem for me, I don’t want to let go, I want to control. But this time I thought, there’s nothing I can do, I can ask God to take over this issue and enjoy the day with my husband or I can stay miserable and ruin the rest of our day.

So I said to my husband, “It is ok. Even if you had made a mistake, God will show us.”

I couldn’t believe these words were coming out of my mouth! My husband said: “This is the way I want you to react.” He didn’t say that with anger, but with pain and I realized how hard it must have been on him to constantly feel the pressure of my judgement and control. It was really an important moment.

The other day, I apologized to my husband for all the pressure I have been putting on him about his spiritual growth and decision-making. I made it clear that I am not completely changed yet, but I want to change. Maybe that move will help me keep myself accountable about how I handle situations from now on.

SHARE:

If you want to share a story from your journey about something God has shown you – we’d love to hear it! I may even share your story anonymously in a post or in a book in the future.

RELATED:

The Washcloth Incident

When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God!

“Amy” Shares Some Encouragement and Her Story

One Wife’s Story – 6 Days in

Portia’s Story – Winning Him Over without a Word

Mrs. B.’s Story

Why Isn’t My Husband More Supportive of Me As I Seek to Change?

I Am Responsible for My Emotions

I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually

30 thoughts on “A Wife Begins to Truly Trust God and Let Go of Fear

  1. I think this was a very honest article. You did a great job owning up to the things that God is showing you that you need to change. Good job! The biggest step to change you are already taking by knowing what God is saying to you and owning up where you fall short. You and your marriage will be blessed 🙂

  2. Thank you to the wife that wrote this! I felt like I was reading my own heart letter. Wow.

    I struggled with independence and fear (it has taken me 7 months to get to that analysis – still work in progress!) – my mum is very controlling and operates a lot out of fear (“we better get that cause we may get robbed” or “we better pray because it is dangerous”). I did not appreciate it – I just assumed it was her communication style and unfortunately picked a lot up of bad habits. She loves me to bits which was great as a mum but not a great example now that I am trying to prepare to be a wife 🙁 My dad is super loving but anxious and gets bossed around by my mum. A combination of growing up with these dynamics meant I have always understood God’s love because my mum and dad are amazing and extend grace and love me BUT I have serious issues trusting God because I never understood how he could make good decisions if bad things happened, how to trust Him even when I feel afraid, His power – because I would see my mum pray and pray and pray and talk and talk but not backed by POWER, how His sovereignty worked and because I learnt to be very independent, I always want to help Him up and have a plan B that relies on my own strength 🙁

    It has therefore been a bit of a struggle as I fight the old me and learn to undo years of operating from a position of fear (not strength in God and trust in what he can do) and independence. But thank God I am learning this before getting married! I am so grateful for this blog!

    We had such a breakthrough moment over the weekend – we had some tension over finances too and we had a deep long conversation which exposed the root of the problem. Essentially (long story) we were selling a flat, my fiancé was negotiating and I was relaying the info to the buyer (I originally bought the flat before we met). All was going well until he said tell them 362,500. I said “no we have been at it so long – lets just agree on 360,000. We may loose the buyer”. So we did. I thought nothing of it. Fastforward 3 months later and he says he wants nothing to do with the flat and the proceeds – cue in shock on my part, tears, confusion… when we finally had the talk he explained that my decision to do it myself showed my independence. And that that is a trait he finds so scary about me – I always want to proof I can do it on my own so I dont need him. 🙁 It was so hurtful and such a deep revelation. It was such a small thing for me because in my head he had had the leadership and had negotiated everything!! But I dropped the ball at the last minute. I am so grateful he was able to share. I woke up early in the morning (3am) and it was as if all the “minor” disrespects over the last year came flooding to my mind – I lay there in remorse praying. So at 3am I sent him an email saying please forgive times for … and listed them, specific and non specific ways I have disrespected him. It was very humbling but freeing. It reminded me of April’s blog article – submitting in the small things.
    He said “how can I trust you in the big things when you are so willing to do things your way all the time?” 🙁

    I am learning to let go. Ive been doing so well but this weekend was really a huge breakthrough. I felt like a bolder was moved from our view – just that honest conversation and hearing the hurt in his voice made me realize I can do better than that! I want to do better for someone who loves me so much. I kept a copy of the email so I can keep myself accountable. He has not responded and I feel no stress (normally I would be checking my mail every 15 minutes hahahaha). I acted out of love and I know he is not a words person so his response will be different – I am tuning my heart to watch out for his response not my expectation of how he will respond. And I am resting knowing he loves me even if he chooses not to respond back. Its going to be okay.

    And I agree – it really starts with trusting God. Even if the worst case scenario happens. That is the biggest learning curve of all. I love the way the wife handled the situation by choosing to be happy and maintain the intimacy when she got upset and leaving it to God. That gives me so much encouragement because I will probably drop the ball again (!!) but I know I can choose to pick myself up and extend grace and not allow my fear/independence to create a road block.

    I also really like the way you are taking small steps and celebrating your progress!! I sometimes read entries and breakthroughs and wives who are at the end of their journey and feel overwhelmed. I have to remember its a process!! And God designs it that way – to build the capacity to carry the blessing. Thanks for that reminder to celebrate my small steps!! Such freedom.

    Thank you for sharing. Praying for you as you continue your journey xx

    (yikes – sorry longer than I had anticipated LOL)

  3. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I felt such a connection reading this and very encouraged to see how you are celebrating each small step. It can get overwhelming when you see wives at the end of this journey – thank you for the reminder that we are changing and even when we slip up we have the power to decide how to respond. And thank you for reminding me its all about God – and our trusting Him and not falling back on our fears (and in my case independence/pride). Such a timely reminder for me. Praying for your and your marriage x

  4. I really loved it. Thank you so much for sharing, I think this is exactly where I am and what God is saying to me and has been wanting me to see the past couple of days.

    May God Bless you and help you to continue to surrender each day to Him.

  5. Great lesson here!!

    One thing I learned about myself recently is that I am a micromanager/motherer. I mean I knew this but I thought I was doing to much better.

    3 things enlightened me. First I read a new book Have a New Husband by Friday. I know I said I wasn’t reading anymore marriage books but I saw an interview with this author Dr. Kevin Leman and he was fascinating. The book is funny, easy to read and has a wealth of information from a man’s point of view. He pointed out some things in the book that I did not even know I was doing wrong!!

    Second, I read an article about men who avoid intimacy and closeness and why they do this. Again, there I was in black and white.

    Third, my husband said out loud and to my face exactly what the book and the article said.

    I always thought that I was just nuturing, that I was being a good wife but apparently I was being very annoying. I reminded a lot, I suggested a lot, I called to check up on things a lot. In other words I did things a caring mother would do.

    And low and behold….Did you know that was a turn off for men??!! *sarcasm here* Yes, I knew but I didn’t think I was doing that…..sigh….

    So I have a new challenge for myself for the next 30 days. Not ask “why”, not offer advice on wearing warm socks, not offer healthy snacks, not call to check on how his day is going, etc.

    I will put in a disclaimer here…. Some men especially men for whom Acts of Service is their love language might like these things and feel loved by them. I know a couple of men whose wives bascially completely ignore them that would eat up what I was doing.

    But my husband does not like it at all. He sees it as I am saying he is too stupid to take care of himself. And I will confess (only here) that when he goes to work on a rainy day without his rain coat and comes home soaked to the bone and freezing, I do wonder. I feel like a horrible wife because I didn’t go put it in his truck because I knew he would forget…..as the mothering world turns….

    Anyway I do highly recommend the book. It is worth the read to see what we as wives do wrong from a man’s point of view. I have to say, he is on the right track. In just 12 hours, my husband was looking at me like WHO is this woman and where is my wife? 🙂

      1. Thank you for the prayers HappyWife and Free Indeed! I will need it!

        Right this moment I want so bad to call my husband and ask him what time he will be home because he hasn’t let me know.

          1. Yes I did! I am determined to do this. I know sometimes I may forget and do something but I am not going to do it knowing he doesn’t like it.

            When he got home, he brought me 7 5gallon buckets for my container gardening that he had picked up throughout the day. I could tell he was very proud that! I made sure to ooh and aah over them.

            April, when you have time, read that book I mentioned. It is an easy, fun read. The buckets are a prime example of how our husbands try to please us. In the past, I never would have caught on to how proud he was of those buckets, but after reading the book, I picked up on it.

          2. Daisymae,

            YES! Bringing you those buckets was absolutely a way that he showed you his love for you. Men tend to show love in actions. They don’t value words a whole lot, in general. And if our words don’t match our actions, then they sure don’t value our words.

            I may just have to check out that book, it sounds great! And I am proud of you for realizing what your husband was doing and appreciating the way he showed you love yesterday. WOOHOO!

          3. daisymae,

            I hope you won’t mind if I give some unrequested advice about the masculine perspective. You mentioned that you could tell how proud he was of having brought you those buckets. I would like to suggest that he might not actually have been proud.

            If a man accomplishes something that attests to his intelligence, strength, resourcefulness, or whatever, then he will have that satisfied feeling of having mastered himself, and “beat” the challenge. And he definitely hopes that his woman sees that and admires him all the more because of it.

            It is hard to see how gathering those buckets would have been very challenging and stirred up a sense of pride. However, your description of what he did shows some other things that are important. First is that he was thinking of a way to fill a need you had (did you tell him about it, or did he just notice?) from his own resources and plans. Second is that he was thinking of you all day long. Every time he picked up another bucket, you were on his mind and it made him happy.

            If your praise is directed at being proud of his accomplishment, it could backfire because he likely doesn’t see it that way. It feels like being praised for remembering how to tie shoes; you do that for children. It is praise that lacks true admiration.

            In this case, rather than expecting you to admire him for his “accomplishment”, he wants you to feel desired and loved. He wants you to know that being at work doesn’t mean that you are far from his mind, and that he’s paying attention to *your* garden and what he can do to bless your effort. He hopes you like his mushy romantic expression and he almost certainly hopes that it will go straight to your soul and turn you on!

            He probably feels very valuable and loved when you ask him, “were you thinking about me all day long?” … and he can see love on your face when it lights up. You know where it should go after that. 😉 Who knew gathering buckets could be so sappy and romantic?

    1. Daisymae,
      I just love you! You are so funny – and boy, can I relate to the issues you have!! 🙂 That sounds like a very interesting book. Hmmm… you may have to give us a little more info if you have time.

      I love that you are giving up the mothering stuff. I know your husband will appreciate it so much! And thanks for your disclaimer – there are some men who would appreciate a few of these things. We have to each get to know our own husbands’ preferences.

      Praying for God’s continued wisdom for you and for you to cling to Christ and that He might be greatly honored in your life and marriage. 🙂

  6. Dear Peaceful Wife . . .

    Keep doing what you’re doing – we need you out here!! It’s a lonely go being a wife and not having a proper role model. Many generations ago it was a lot easier – there were at least more examples. Now we accept the role models in the movies and all around us – our ideas are warped and we find out – through a lot of turmoil and pain and division – that they don’t work. It’s a lot of trail and error. We need to give ourselves a lot of grace to learn and then take those baby steps as we learn them – it’s a big learning curve!!!!!!!! The guys have the same challenge and overwhelm in their role, but they usually don’t read the books like we do – they are not as relationally/family-oriented as we are, so their primary focus is set on providing – that’s what they saw their dad do. Why isn’t she happy? I get up each day and work hard to provide for all the things she buys or wants to buy – I’m sure he feels the list is endless, so he keeps working harder hoping for your approval, but usually never gets it. Wifey is usually too busy complaining and picking at this or that. Thank you for your so-very-helpful perspective – I have been struggling greatly with the same and it is definitely a big, daily challenge.

    1. Tricia,

      I know!!! Many of us have zero godly role models. And some of us who have godly examples, still don’t have women who are able to break down all the baby steps and explain each of those things to us. So it can be really confusing and frustrating many times.

      The key is to plug into Christ and to allow His power to flow through you and to be fully submitted to Him. Then we can hear His voice and His promptings and He can give us the power to have victory over our sinful tendencies because in Christ, we are dead to sin and alive to God!! WOOHOO! We don’t have to continue on nagging, criticizing, resenting, being afraid, worrying, and trying to control. We can trust God’s sovereignty, His love, learn about His design, and allow Him to radically transform us to be the women He desires us to be. Then we get to be full of His supernatural peace, love, joy, … and the spiritual treasures of heaven! 🙂

      I’m so excited to be on this journey with you. Please let me know if there is anything you need to talk about. 🙂

  7. Wow reading this story today felt like reading my heart out…

    I’m in a such a situation that I need to brush the thought aside that my husband doesn’t care enough for me while he always puts his parents ahead of me…

    Last week was such a challenge..

    I’m 27 weeks pregnant, my daughter fractured her leg and my Father in law (FIL) was just out of the hospital after a surgery.

    I’m staying at my parents place, my parents are taking care of me and my daughter.. And my husband stays in his dads house… Its been like this since two weeks..

    In the current scenario, my husband also had decided to buy a flat which is far away from both my parents house as well as my in laws house. The plan was to shift to the new flat in last week of this month (This was planned last month before all the health issues cropped up)

    I’ve been asking my husband wat are his plans now, since his dad needs help and he wouldnt allow me to come to his house (we had some issues before a few months, although I’ve apologized hes not willing to forgive me nor allow me to enter into his house)

    He keeps silent most of the times, but only a couple of days back he said, we will shift all our things to the new flat but i will have to continue to stay with my parents for a few months and he would continue to stay with his dad… I felt he was being inconsiderate about me or my daughter or my parents. But in his position thats the best he could probably do.. I just dint want to argue, I gave it to the Lord and went quickly to bed. And the next day morning I tried to be normal. However thoughts like he will never think or care for me, he loves his parents more than he should etc keep hitting home.. I’m trying my best to get things out of my head but it is getting difficult…

    I need all your prayers to be able to focus on God and his sovereignty and completely entrust myself to his care…

  8. I too am trying very hard to let go and let God. My back story is that of the controlling wife. We had a pretty big fallout last year, but God has been restoring our marriage and I am so grateful to Him for that. My husband always told me I needed to be more respectful but I never understood what that meant or looked like until I stumbled upon your page April- so thank you so much for everything you do- it really does make a difference in so many people’s lives.

    My husband may not tell me, but I know he sees the difference because of the way he is acting with me. This is all God’s doing- no one else can take credit for that.

    For my part, I am struggling in terms of starting a family. We’ve been married for 3 years now and I can honestly say that being a mother is rooted deep in my heart- it is one of my deepest desires- however, we have not been trying to start a family despite this. It isn’t because of my husband really…it has been due to my fear and insecurities. I have always felt we weren’t “financially ready” to start a family. The situation in our household has been that I have been the main provider financially ever since we got married…and I have always wanted to wait until it was my husband who filled that role.

    A few months ago our business went under so we were left with debt from that, monthly credit card payments and me as the only provider. He’s been looking for a job but right now he only does odd jobs here and there, and despite the fact that the money does help some, I feel like he spends it on “luxuries” rather than necessities. Anyway, this past weekend he told me that he knows that I deeply want a baby- that he can see it (my brother just had a baby 4 months ago) and by this time I could have been a mother 3 times over- but it was my own mentality that was preventing me from being a mother. That we can plan and plan down to a T all the expenses, but if God forbid, something happens – all that planning is meaningless. We can’t be called surprised once a baby comes into our life how our life is going to change- we’re still going to need to buy diapers and clothes and food- but if I am going to be fearing and worried and anxious- then there’s no point in bringing an innocent child into the world.

    Children are always a blessing, but is it wrong to want to be “smart” about starting a family? I know that God is in control, but is it wrong to try to be a little more financially stable before starting a family? I mean I am not needing to have all our debt paid off or thousands and thousands of dollars in a savings account, but I do feel it is important to at least know that there are two decent paychecks coming in and that if I want to have maternity leave from my job, that is an option without worrying about how to pay for things. My husband says that a baby can be motivational for us. I constantly pray for God to bless my husband with a job that he enjoys, that has decent pay and that allows us to think about starting a family…to help my husband be the provider He has designed him to be…are my motives wrong? Am I not trusting that God will provide for me? Please pray for me and my husband as we continue on this journey.

    1. Macu,

      Oh how I relate to you! I was exactly like you. I wanted to wait until my husband had a job with insurance to be sure I could go part time. I was terrified to have a baby when I was the one with the full benefits. I didn’t want to work full time once we had children. So we ended up waiting over 6 years before we had our son. I was really controlling about everything about trying to get pregnant and the pregnancy and parenting, too. I was so full of anxiety and so afraid to trust God.

      I understand your concerns. I also understand that God can work things out when we trust Him that we couldn’t possibly imagine.

      So, I think this will require a lot of prayer, maybe even fasting, and you seeking God’s will and His wisdom and His direction about trusting Him vs. trying to be prepared.

      Much love to you! Sending you a big hug! Please let me know how you are doing. 🙂

      1. April,

        I am so glad that I am not the only one that has these feelings! I admit that I was a lot like you in the sense of trusting myself more than trusting God and although I have made so much improvements, one of the things that I struggle with is that line between being prepared and trusting. It’s kind of like the whole thing “God helps those who help themselves”. My husband has been looking for a job so I trust God to guide him to the job he needs and is destined to find, but if my husband were to tell me, “Trust God that he will help me find a job” when he spends all day sitting at home playing video games, for example…I’d have a hard time trusting things would just work out and he’d find a job.”

        When it comes to starting a family, I think it is important to be prepared because you do know that a child involves extra expenses and if you’re barely making ends meet, why would you go ahead with it? Like I said I am not wanting to wait for us to be homeowners or have X amount of money in our savings account, but I struggle with the thought that by me “planning” to wait to have a family until my husband finds a job and we are at least able to afford a baby with our current paychecks, that I am not trusting God- is that what I am doing? Not trusting Him by waiting?

        You say you waited for over 6 years because of your fear-how did you get over that fear? Or did you give in until you felt in a financially stable environment? What were your husband’s feelings like during the time you waited because of your fears?

        My husband seems to think “we’ll get by” if we have a child- but I don’t just “want to get by” even if my desire to have a baby is enormous… because I want to be able to enjoy my pregnancy, enjoy my baby, and not be “worried” about whether we can pay all the bills, CC, diapers, clothes, etc that comes with having a baby. And yes I know God will provide and we will have all we need- maybe we could get govt. help if “needed”…but what if I don’t want that because I feel God has designed me for so much more than that? Because I feel God has equipped us to be more than just “get by” people. IS it wrong for me to want to be prepared? To help myself so that God helps me?

        It’s a daily struggle. Sometimes I say- just go for it- but then I get so fearful that I am not “ready” mentally and if I “just go for it” and if we do get pregnant, that same controlling nature that I am trying to get rid of, will come back with a vengeance and I will go back to being that controlling, prideful, untrusting wife I was. And THAT is terrifying. When do I know I am ready? When do I know our marriage is ready?

  9. I just want to second an earlier comment: what a blessing your blog is! It is very lonesome out here, trying to learn things from books and the internet and never having much chance to see it in life or know anyone personally who’s gone through this process. I find myself to be a completely different wife and mother than I was even a year ago, without a roapmap or a guide and it’s lonely indeed. God bless your ministry here 🙂

    1. burnoutswife,

      Yes, it is very frustrating to feel like you are the only woman on the planet trying to figure out all of this stuff! And having no one to emulate or talk with about how to work through wrong thoughts and how to adjust mindsets. Although, I will say that with me having no mentor and nothing but God, the Bible, my prayer journal, and about 30 books over 2.5 years and hours and hours of prayer and study each day – I did learn how to depend on God alone. What a gift that was!

      My prayer with this blog is that God might use me to “put the dots closer together” for those who come behind me than they were for me. I love getting to share this journey with so many wonderful sisters in Christ from around the world. Can’t wait to hear every single one’s story and to hug everyone’s neck in heaven if we don’t get to meet here on earth!

      Thanks so much for sharing! May Christ be richly honored and glorified in your life.:)

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: