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Godlywifetobe – Step 2 – Facing Her Fears

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This is some more of my correspondence with Godlywifetobe. I have also taken on another wife to mentor whose story I hope to share in the coming week. GraceAlone is doing well. There are definitely some days that are very hard, but there are also new blessings.  She is 3 months into her journey – which is still quite early. I hope to share another update from her in a week or two. She is making some definite strides in her understanding of God and her trust in Him and she is learning to refine her motives and to continue to seek to bless her husband regardless of his response. She has had a LOT of tests in the past few months that have really forced her to depend on God and to face some of her deepest fears. I love being on this journey with these wives and with all of you! I wish I could email every single wife, but I pray that these wives’ stories might bless you. If you are interested in being a wife that I mentor, I may be able to take another wife in about 2 months. So you can be thinking about that. 🙂 The requirements I have for wives that I take on to mentor are in Godlywifetobe’s first post. 

(Background – Godlywifetobe is a believer in Christ. Her husband is not. Things are often difficult right now.)

Ladies, you are all welcome to write out your answers to the assignments I give Godlywifetobe. You can send them in as comments, or you can keep them for yourself in a journal or a private file. The actual writing/typing out of these deep heart issues is so important as we allow God to shine His light into the deepest corners of our souls. We cannot heal and move forward in God’s power if we are clinging to lies or unknown sin.)

FROM GODLYWIFETOBE

I guess my fears are…

  • Being alone
  • Nobody wanting me
  • Being unloved
  • People not liking me
  • Not knowing what’s going to happen/future
  • Wanting romance. Which comes down to wanting to feel loved/cherished/important.

Growing up I always had to be the adult and the responsible one with my mother and father. I also watched my mum go through around 30 sexual partners growing up and mopping up the mess when they cheated on her or dumped her. I grew up having to be in control and take the lead. By being in control of things I also kept safe from the various abuses I had experienced as a child (sexual, mental, physical, emotional).

So giving up control is something very scary for me. I want things the way they should be done and I feel unsafe and scared when it’s not and that’s some of the anxiety I feel, I guess.

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

What I would like you to do is to look at each of these fears and come up with scriptural truth to counter your fears. What does God say about you, about your worth, about if you are alone, about you not being wanted, about you being unloved, about His feelings for you, about pleasing people, about fears and worry for the future and about your desire to feel loved?

And, can you please tell me, what do you believe will happen if you do not “feel like you are in control”?

What are the worst case scenarios that run through your mind?

What are the tapes you play in your head and the things you tell yourself about you, God and your husband?

FROM GODLYWIFETOBE

Scriptural truths for my fears is a great idea…

  • Being alone-

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

  • Nobody wanting me-

Isaiah 54:5

For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.

  • Being unloved-

Romans 5:8

But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

  • People not liking me-

Galatians 1:10

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

  • Knowing the future-

Proverbs 16:9

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

  • Romance/Feeling cherished and important

Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

What do I feel will happen if I’m not in control? Well my head says nothing major will happen, that God will work it all out. I want things done the way I think they are to be done. I guess that’s pride and control isn’t? Ugh. I don’t want to be like that!!! I guess I feel anxious and worried when I’m not in control.

Worst case scenarios would be:

  • my husband cheating on me
  • my husband leaving
  • my husband getting more distant and mean
  • my children copying our behaviour in their relationships
  • my husband not coming to Christ

I guess the tapes that play in my head are that:

  • I’m not good enough
  • I’m a failure
  • I made the wrong choice marrying my husband (that one makes me sad…but it’s the truth)
  • my husband will never change and only get worse
  • my husband has issues he needs to deal with but is putting his head in the sand or using hobbies/smoking etc to drown it out
  • I guess with God I feel that I’ve done something to deserve this, that I’m not good enough
  • I feel He’s ignoring me

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Are these things you are telling yourself true?  If so, what will you do about it? If they are lies, what is the real truth?

What if God is able to even turn “mistakes” into something beautiful and glorious?

FROM GODLYWIFETOBE:

The things I tell myself aren’t true. No. It’s a false perception I’m believing. Satan is the father of lies and I’m sure he enjoys me believing these lies so he has me being less than I am…of who God made me to be.

Those lies stop me from doing things, they cause me to act of fear or control, they produce self pity and bitterness it me. I didn’t realise how powerful those lies were until typing this just now. It’s bondage. Chains. But Christ came to break every chain. He came to free me from the bondage of sin!!! I need to walk in this daily!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

You are so right. Those lies are absolutely creating bondage and they are very powerful. You end up believing those lies that you repeat to yourself over and over again.

Jesus DID set you free from the bondage of sin. You died with Him on the cross. Your old sinful self is dead and buried with Christ. Now He gives you a new self, a new heart, a new Spirit so that you can live in the power of His resurrection and in His truth. You can choose to stay bound by those old lies. But you don’t have to stay there. Jesus set you free already. All you have to do is thank Him and praise Him for it and begin to live in Him. 🙂

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Some things to wrestle with on a very deep heart level:

Are you willing to lay down all of these fears and the lies that you are believing?

Is God sovereign even if your worst case scenarios were to happen?

Are you willing to replace those tapes with the truth of God?

Are you willing to give up all resentment and bitterness towards your husband and God?

What are you afraid to trust God with?

What would happen if you fully surrendered to Christ and trusted His sovereignty?

Is God who He says He is?

Is His Word true?

FROM GODLYWIFETOBE:

I definitely want to. I feel like Paul when he’s talking about doing the things he doesn’t want to do…

I guess it’s all renewing my mind isn’t it? Feeding it on the Word of God and replacing those lies and thoughts with Gods Word.

I’m going to watch through your video on idols and read all the posts again on them. (From Peacefulwife – you can search “idol” “idolatry” “insecurity” “security” “control” “fear” on my home page)

Do you know of any sermons that cover this? I might google my favourite preachers and see if they have anything to say on it. (From Peacefulwife – I would suggest checking at www.desiringgod.org – John Piper’s site and www.radical.net  – David Platt’s site.)

You know I saw something on fb that said the more you are in the Word the more you believe His promises. That’s been true for me. Since you challenged me to read every day and not just go on my old knowledge of what I’ve read I’ve been able to take control of thoughts. I’m reading the Watchman Nee book you suggested, too, (The Normal Christian Life) and have nearly everything in it highlighted. Lol.

So I’m building my faith up, building my thought life up and now the next step is to start putting it into practice. So when hubby snaps at me for no apparent reason instead of me thinking he hates me or “poor me” I can think “I wonder what’s making him so mad and stressed? How can I help him share what’s bothering him? How can I show him that we love and need him around”.

Thank you for being submitted to God to allow Him to speak through you. I’ve come to see that I have lots of sin in my life and instead of looking at what my husband may or may not be doing, I need to look at me!!!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I love this!  What God is already doing in your heart is SO BEAUTIFUL! His Word is powerful. We need to feed our souls with it often. We have no power when we are starving ourselves spiritually. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you and your husband!

 

RELATED:

Fear Fuels Our Need to Control

Facing Our Deepest Fears

Laying Down All of Our Expectations

Expectations – Part 1

How to Stop Idolatry and Truly Live for Christ

PEACEFULWIFE YOUTUBE VIDEOS:

What Causes a Woman to Become Controlling?  – 11 minutes

Overcoming Fear – Part 1  – 14 minutes(different content from the blog posts)

Overcoming Fear – Part 2 – 12 minutes

 

56 thoughts on “Godlywifetobe – Step 2 – Facing Her Fears

  1. Thanks April for your dedication and support to me. I thank God for you!!

    As I shared with April, tonight I was faced with a test. To put what I’ve been saying about being the peacemaker and not controlling to practice. And with help from April and God I did it. It turned out peacefully. I submitted to my husband even though I was very against it and he was fair in a way that it’s going to happen.

    1. Godlywifetobe,

      It is HARD to give up controlling – it is very similar to giving up any other addiction. There is a withdrawal period – and you want a “fix” sometimes of control to give you “peace” and to take the anxiety away when you are first learning.
      But, then you discover the supernatural peace of God when you rest in His love, obey Him and trust in His sovereignty – and you discover His joy and the power of His Spirit – and you realize that what you had before was not a good thing and you never ever want to go without God’s Spirit again!

      I am so excited about what God is doing in you! Thank you VERY much for your willingness to share your journey with everyone!

      1. You know I really did feel peace last night. I wasn’t stressing about the money or that hubby hadn’t listened to my opinion. I just felt peaceful and quiet about it! Thank you God for your peace when we obey and trust!

  2. WOW! Thank you Godlywife and April for sharing this! It really resonates with me and I plan on sitting down and answering these myself. As a result of some tough situations in my childhood, I felt a giant sense of rejection and then became a perfectionist–even as a child, just trying to perform perfectly to avoid getting rejected.

    I then became so focused on trying to control as much as possible as a young adult to avoid getting hurt. Major control freak :/. I see that I’ve tried to control my husband to protect myself, then I was hurt when he reacted, which amped up my fear, etc. This process is so painful, but I’m thankful that God loves me enough to not leave me this way! Godlywife, may God continue to strengthen you and hold you close! Keep going! 🙂 Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂

    1. Thanks andra!
      I know that one way God turns our messes into things of beauty by us sharing our stories and supporting one another!

      Keep reading your bible, keep praying, keep in fellowship, and keep reading this blog and you will change! God bless you on your journey!

  3. Yes, thanks for sharing this!! Even though our stories are not all exactly the same, there is so much to learn from each one. You are helping so many, April & Godlywifetobe! I can’t wait to sit down & go through this slowly.

  4. Godlywifetobe,

    Just reading through what you have experienced growing up (I can’t get over that your mom had 30 or so sexual partners, and you had to witness that. 🙁 ), being abused, and hurt… being able to LET GO now, is truly a miracle! God is so good! 🙂

    May the Spirit enlighten you and strengthen you daily as you hurdle not only this bondage with control but all the bondages that led to it, in the first place.

    God bless you, sister.

    Love,
    Nikka

    1. Nikka,

      SO VERY MANY wives, even here on this blog, have experienced unspeakable pain and suffering, sometimes even abuse, growing up. 🙁 That makes the fear so very strong, and the desire to control seem even more important when the scars run this deep.

      Thank you for reaching out in love to our precious sister!

      I praise God that He is able to heal every scar and wound and give us new hearts and a new life!

      1. Praise God indeed. He healed us instantly, it just takes time for our minds to catch up on it doesn’t it?
        X

      2. I could not imagine being in their positions, April. 🙁 And yet, here I am, also formerly controlling, formerly self-righteous, formerly domineering.

        The enemy really attacks us from our weakest points. He feeds us all these lies, and we lap them up. It does not matter how or from where he feeds us these lies from, the effect is the same — we get scared, we panic, we take on the illusion of control. He wins temporarily.

        But when we stop listening to the lies and facing those with the Truth, his fallacies are exposed for what they are, and they melt in God’s Radiant Grace.

        Praise God for opening up our spiritual eyes to the Truth. And not just any Truth, but THE Truth — Jesus. 🙂

        1. Nikka,

          We didn’t all take the same road to get to be controlling and disrespectful, but some of the same factors were involved – fear, primarily, and a sense that if we didn’t take control we would not be safe on some deep level.

          I am so thankful that God’s truth and love can reach all of us, no matter how badly damaged and broken we are. God is so very good!

    2. Thanks Nikka

      Yeah it was hard growing up…having to hear my mother and her partners or sometimes walking in on it has scarred me. It made me know even before I accepted Christ that it was wrong and it only hurt my mother in the end.

      I’ve had to forgive her a lot, various physical abuses, bringing unsafe people into our life, the mental and verbal abuse she inflicted almost daily…even kicking my sister and I out when her boyfriend at the time told her to choose us or him….

      But I’m working through that with Gods help. I couldn’t forgive in my own strength at all. The wounds run deep and only God can fix those and make me whole again.
      🙂

      1. Amen to that, Godlywifetobe! Yes, what is remarkable is that the bondage could go on for years, with NO END in sight, but when your heart is ready and when you are most broken and you ask the Lord to heal you and you let go and let God reign in your life… the bondage is almost INSTANTANEOUS. It’s as though you were trapped in this extremely locked cage and suddenly you are just FREE!

        Those who have experienced this could attest to the miracle that it truly is. I know you feel the same way too. 🙂 NO way am I going back to my former self. The old is gone, the new has come. Blessed be the Name of the Lord!!! 🙂

          1. Godlywifetobe:
            It is so encouraging to see your willingness to learn and to do what is right. Thanks for sharing… it is very helpful

  5. First of all, thank you for blessing me with some insight in your journey of respecting your husband. I am so encouraged by the dialogue in this post, and have been reading peaceful wife’s blog for quite some time now. I struggle each and every day to give up my control and pride, and allow God to take his rightful place on the throne of my life. I am so thankful that God’s mercies are also new each day. I have really struggled with my marriage, and I feel that you and I have similar background issues that contribute to a difficulty in letting go of control. It is so true that when I am spending time with God, it is only then that I am able to humble myself enough to be my husbands helper. It is refreshing to read about other women struggling in similar emotions/situations, because I sometimes have felt so ashamed for the anger I feel. Thank you for sharing your journey- I look forward to reading more.

    1. Praying for God’s healing and His Spirit’s power in your life, Samantha! I am so excited about what He is doing in your heart already. I can’t wait to see all that He has in store!

      We do sometimes feel angry as we are learning to die to self. Self does not want to die!

      1. Your prayers are so appreciated 🙂 The concept of dying to self is the exact opposite of our wolrd’s views today…”take care of yourself!” There’s actually a billboard in a nearby city that says something along the lines of, “don’t waste time praying about it; YOU need to take action.” Thank you for this blog, and allowing us to receive Godly christian advice. I have already experienced God’s love and faithfulness in my obedience to respect and submit. God bless you, April!

        1. Samantha,

          So true! Dying to self is definitely not “the American way.” We want to look out for #1 as sinful humans, but that approach leads to our destruction.

          I am so excited about what God is doing in you!! 🙂

    2. Thanks Samantha.

      Like April said it’s hard and you do feel angry dying to self.

      We really can’t do it in our own strength at all. It’s all done in vain.

      I have tried for years and years to have peace but it hasn’t been until this year, until I lay it all down and addressed those fears and idols.

      I pray you are able to move forward in your journey on becoming a peaceful wife and experience the peace and freedom that is yours!

  6. I have a hard time when my husband snaps at me. In the past I would get angry immediately and retaliate. I am working on just simply saying “Please don’t snap at me” and leaving it at that (and really leaving it alone instead of stewing about it in my head 🙂 ). Most of the time I don’t think it occurs to me that he could just be having a bad day.

    1. Victoria,

      Husbands are human and they definitely can have bad days, too!

      Laura Doyle, “The Surrendered Wife,” recommends just simply saying, “Ouch.” It is shocking how effective that can be!

  7. Wow! I have wanted to comment since yesterday! I was blessed to be spending some much needed adult time with my husband – just him and I! We are doting parents of a toddler and it is good for a very small break every now and again!

    Back to my comment–(sorry it is long!!)
    Godlywifetobe, praise God for your journey!! I struggle with much of the same issues and “tapes” playing! So much, that I -almost- could have been the one writing this piece?!

    God is amazing! I, too, have been a slave to attempted control, only to squeeze so tightly, realizing it will all slip through my fingers! God spoke to me definitively last week. “Let it go”. So I released all of my pseudo control in my marriage and with my husband.

    God has us! We are all free to make our own choices and decisions each day which may adversely (or complimentary) affect those around us. I cannot control those around me; I cannot manipulate or force others to behave how I think they should. AND I SHOULDN’T!! what kind of pressure is that? God is much better at holding each of us up. He Loves us!! God desires us to love one another, honor our husbands, and glorify Him! Dying to self is so painful!! I have been on this journey for over a year… for every step I take forward, there are times when I take 2 steps back. It can be madness! That is my sinful self… Holding tight. I get mad at myself, I know better, I’m ashamed because if I was truly trusting God then I wouldn’t be holding tight to this sinful self, this control !

    My biggest fears:
    1) my husband could leave me
    2) my husband could cheat on me
    3) he could stop loving me
    4) he may be bound by certain behaviors forever

    Truth:
    1) God will never leave me! I would still continue to exist if my husband left me.

    Deuteronomy 31:8
    The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (NIV)

    2) we are all sinners! God will always provide comfort no matter our trials.

    Psalm 34:18
    The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

    3) my husband does love me now. I cannot live in fear… I am missing out on the now, worried about the future.
    He may never love me as Christ loves the church, yet my respect isn’t conditional to his love.

    John 14:27
    Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

    4) My husband is a believer!

    Jeremiah 24:7
    7 I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart.

    The Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials. (2 Peter 2:9)

    —————————————-
    There are so many biblical truths that override and erase the lying insecurities that whisper (and sometimes scream) inside of my head! Since I have told God I would relinquish the thought of control and cried out asking Him to help me give it up, because I was not strong enough to do it on my own… an enormous weight has been lifted! I do feel peace. God gave me peace! I was still and quiet and He replaced those tapes with His truth and comfort. As long as I continue to dig into His word, I can draw closer to Him!

    This does not mean my trials are over ….but I may be allowing God to do a new work in me by laying down this small (yet so big for me) thing.

    As far as my idols, my fear and insecurity have at times unfortunately been larger than my love for Christ- NOT INTENTIONALLY, and not logically, but sadly, with my actions and my thoughts that crowded the truth out.

    I question have I made my marriage an idol? Maybe? Sometimes, perhaps. Yet, my desire to glorify God in my marriage and for us to have the marriage God intended, is not an idol; I pray to submit, to respect, to honor God by living out my life, including my marriage, as God commanded.

    I was reading a marriage devotional today. It stated (paraphrased): The devil is the enemy of relationships. A strong marriage is a threat to Him. He is always trying to divide us, he wants to separate us from God, separate us from each other. he tells lies, feeding on our insecurities.

    ^^^Now that is how the devil operates.

    Another truth:
    James 4:7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

    I do love sharing with you women on this journey !! It does give me hope when I see some women struggle where I have struggled, it gives me hope to see you women persevere. And I hope that my words and insight into my journey does the same! I am so far from perfect. My husband still doesn’t trust me not to snap, snoop, or snip, but I am learning, changing and with God’s grace, I will continue to move forward and not backward, and eventually my husband will continue to grow in his journey with God.

    Thank you for listening to my ramble! Those how suffered to the end!

      1. Absolutely! This journey is beautiful and terrifying at times! I feel blessed that God can use me and my story in any way to glorify Him!

        And many blessings to you April!! I spent all evening putting that comment together and transposing into my own post (and no one even reads my blog!!). Kudos to you for the work you do to reach all of these women! And allow us to minister together with one another! God is great!!
        You are amazing!

        1. Prayingwife79,
          Maybe I can link your blog to the comment. 🙂 Would you like that?

          Thank you so much for allowing me to share. God is the amazing one. I am in awe of all He is doing! 🙂

    1. Thanks for your encouragement!!!

      I’m so pleased to read of your progress and success.

      The peace is just amazing huh?

  8. Reblogged this on Peaceful Single Girl and commented:

    Ladies,
    This is the process of tearing out idols and facing our fears we all must go through no matter what stage of life we are in when we decide to yield to Christ and repent of our sin. I believe it will bless you! Let me know if you have any questions or things you want to discuss!

  9. I actually recently wrote a post about a similar topic. I talked about the fears I had concerning being the submissive partner in a relationship. Especially where biblical submission is concerned. I talk about what they were, how I think they came about, and where I am with that today. I think sometimes fears where this is concerned can come from being misinformed about what it will look like, whether through a lack of information or from bad examples. For me something that really helps is actually to look at what biblical love looks like, and what a husband’s love should mean, and what it isn’t.

    1. uncommonprincess,

      There is a lot of benefit to really digging into our fears and looking carefully at them and examining them for truth and comparing them to scripture. I love how you handled that!!! BEAUTIFUL!

      1. Thank you! I wanted to just get that all out and I also thought that other people might read it who had that desire but maybe had some of the same fears or even who wrongly judge that kind of relationship because of misconceptions. It was kind of hard to get out there, but I thought if one person read it and was less afraid that would be so worth it.

  10. Hi Peacefulwifes,

    I just can’t stop myself from posting…The conversation between April and Godlywifetobe looks like it’s mine and someone just changed the names hahaha…. Oh I just have the same fears…
    Recently I had an AHA moment… I call it my Frog in the well analogy 
    I realized Ive been living in a well, made of the walls built by the lies of the evil one.. A wall which says my husband is going to cheat me anytime, my husband is interested in everything but me, I need happiness in my marriage to sustain myself, Im a failure if I don’t receive love in return blah blah… The more the lies, the stronger and higher the wall of the well…
    We live because there is little water in the well… But the sun rages, the storms set in out life and soon the water dries out… and we start getting angry that there is nothing in life, we just don’t know anything about the outside world other than the world built of walls of lies….
    For 27 years Ive been busy building that wall with my perceptions, assumptions, my fears, my idols etc.. And four years of marriage has made the wall stronger..
    I just realized that I need to break my walls down, and experience the ocean of God’s love and power…. Jesus alone is the living water and he can alone satisfy us… And we just need to experience the sea and come out of our wells into Gods power

    1. Vinodhini,
      Wow. That gave me chills! I love that word picture and I am so excited about your AHA moment! Praise God that He is working in you. We can’t do this in our own strength. We need Him so very desperately every moment. 🙂

    2. I’m so glad for your A-ha moment!!! Praying that as each brick (lie/fear) comes down you experience the joy and peace God gives!

  11. I was thinking about what GWTB said about when her husband snaps at her, wondering what might be bothering him. How can we be certain that we aren’t the ones bothering him?

    For instance, the other night, my daughter was very disrespectful to me. My husband (her step-dad) reprimanded her very sternly, but very calmly, which I appreciated. After she left to brush her teeth as requested, I sat down next to my husband and just sighed, because I was so frustrated with my daughter’s behavior. My husband asked me what my problem was, and told me that it was handled and I needed to move on. It made me feel like it wasn’t okay for me to be upset, even for just a second. So I got up and left the room to clean the kitchen. He fell asleep and I got my daughter ready for bed (after another outburst of hers which I’m sure woke him up).

    I asked her to very gently wake him to see if he’d like to come into her room to pray with us, because we all pray together before she goes to sleep. He told her no. I poked my head in and confirmed, “You aren’t going to pray tonight?” He said no, I said okay, and put my daughter to bed.

    When I came back out, he told me that I was so rude for snapping at him and being so disrespectful in front of her when she was misbehaving. I was floored. I had no idea what he was talking about! When my daughter was misbehaving, he was in the other room. I asked him what exactly I’d said or done wrong, explaining that I didn’t understand what he found disrespectful – he asked if I really didn’t see anything wrong with my behavior, and then said he was tired of having the same conversation over and over again. I said it was a different situation and circumstance, and so I don’t understand what came across as disrespectful in this instance. He still refused to tell me, so I just went to bed.

    The next morning, he again stated that he was very frustrated with my disrespect, but again wouldn’t be specific about what was said or how I was disrespectful. I later sent him an email during work to say that I am sorry he felt disrespected, but that I couldn’t know what to work on unless he is specific with me. I explained that what I think is disrespectful, he may find insignificant, and vice versa, and that’s when I need him to be specific with me so I can learn.

    He texted me in response and just asked that we start our day over again. I immediately agreed and didn’t bring it up again.

    So part of me would like to just say, “He had a bad day, not my fault, my hands are clean,” but I can’t. I obviously did something, but I don’t know what. This is when I start to feel like a failure – especially when he says, “You read all of those blogs about how to be a godly wife, and you’re still going to ask me what you did wrong.”

    Side note: a few days later, he mentioned that he needs to have more grace with me when I mess up, especially with things like that, because I so rarely ever disrespect him and never intentionally, I never nag him about anything, and I really appreciated hearing that – but I still need to know what he does find disrespectful. I asked that he try to tell me right away when I’ve said something, but he said he often gets so irritated and angry that he just…gets angry, and I’m left wondering what I said to invoke that. Sometimes I know he’s just stressed and anything I say will set him off – then I try my hardest to just be quiet.

    Is it possible to get to a point where I just say I’m doing the best I can, I don’t see anything disrespectful in how I behaved and if he won’t tell me, I don’t need to worry about it?

  12. M
    Have you told him that you appreciated how he reprimanded your daughter, calm and stern?
    I sigh a lot and it frustrates my husband who often sees it as a criticism on him. I need to find a way to let go of my frustration another way. Maybe the sigh was for him like that?
    Maybe you could say thank you for handling that and in that way also get rid of your own frustration withouth having him wonder what he did wrong?
    Tabitha

    1. Tabitha, I think you’re exactly right. If I’d approached it with a spirit of gratefulness for his actions, if I’d focused on the good in the situation which was his response as her step-dad and my husband, it would have been much better. I regret reacting in frustration to my daughter rather than in appreciation for my husband.

      Thank you for pointing that out!

      1. Your welcome M
        I need actually to learn and practice that myself. I get frustrated easily and forget to look at all the good things my husband does focus to much on what goes wrong. I sigh often out of frustration on my own failures or simply because things are difficult. Signals unhappy. Maybe it would help to voice the frustration so it is clear for your husband that it was not about his action. I find it hard not to get frustratet. Although that would be a good thing. Also if you really do disagree that would also be better to say than to sigh. A sigh can be really troublesome for the other partner for you leave you spouse out of what goes on to only guesses. And that is not helpfull.

        1. My husband has a tendency to leave me to guesses, so I understand that all too well, and I work hard to express my thoughts and feelings clearly to him. I also sigh often, mostly when I’m sad about my daughter misbehaving (we share custody with her dad, and when she comes back from his house, sometimes she acts like a different child, much more disrespectful and spoiled). That’s something I need to work on. And definitely, focusing on the good in my husband more so than the frustration of my daughter’s misbehavior!

          1. I have spent so many years sending my husband those “secret signals” to let him “hear” I’m frustrated without saying it, that I now have to consciously let him know what I’m really meaning. Like she suggested, follow up the sigh with verbalizing your frustration but letting him know he’s your hero for addressing the manner appropriately. When I do this my husbands reacts with comforting me as opposed to being guarded like he used to be 🙂 they love to be our hero’s!!!

          2. Thank you! I have actually been working on this the past few weeks. We had my daughter for a few extra days so I had more time to practice. 🙂 Now instead of just sighing at my daughter, I will make sure I tell my husband thank you first, and he understands my sighs are not directed at him. Now to work on not sighing at all… 🙂

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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