This is some more of my correspondence with Godlywifetobe. I have also taken on another wife to mentor whose story I hope to share in the coming week. GraceAlone is doing well. There are definitely some days that are very hard, but there are also new blessings. She is 3 months into her journey – which is still quite early.
I hope to share another update from her in a week or two. She is making some definite strides in her understanding of God and her trust in Him and she is learning to refine her motives and to continue to seek to bless her husband regardless of his response. She has had a LOT of tests in the past few months that have really forced her to depend on God and to face some of her deepest fears. I love being on this journey with these wives and with all of you!
I wish I could email every single wife, but I pray that these wives’ stories might bless you. If you are interested in being a wife that I mentor, I may be able to take another wife in about 2 months. So you can be thinking about that. 🙂 The requirements I have for wives that I take on to mentor are in Godlywifetobe’s first post.
(Background – Godlywifetobe is a believer in Christ. Her husband is not. Things are often difficult right now.)
Ladies, you are all welcome to write out your answers to the assignments I give Godlywifetobe. You can send them in as comments, or you can keep them for yourself in a journal or a private file. The actual writing/typing out of these deep heart issues is so important as we allow God to shine His light into the deepest corners of our souls. We cannot heal and move forward in God’s power if we are clinging to lies or unknown sin.)
I guess my fears are…
- Being alone
- Nobody wanting me
- Being unloved
- People not liking me
- Not knowing what’s going to happen/future
- Wanting romance. Which comes down to wanting to feel loved/cherished/important.
Growing up I always had to be the adult and the responsible one with my mother and father. I also watched my mum go through around 30 sexual partners growing up and mopping up the mess when they cheated on her or dumped her. I grew up having to be in control and take the lead. By being in control of things I also kept safe from the various abuses I had experienced as a child (sexual, mental, physical, emotional).
So giving up control is something very scary for me.
I want things the way they should be done and I feel unsafe and scared when it’s not and that’s some of the anxiety I feel, I guess.
What I would like you to do is to look at each of these fears and come up with scriptural truth to counter your fears.
What does God say about you, about your worth, about if you are alone, about you not being wanted, about you being unloved, about His feelings for you, about pleasing people, about fears and worry for the future and about your desire to feel loved?
And, can you please tell me, what do you believe will happen if you do not “feel like you are in control”?
What are the worst case scenarios that run through your mind?
What are the tapes you play in your head and the things you tell yourself about you, God and your husband?
Scriptural truths for my fears is a great idea…
- Being alone-
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
- Nobody wanting me-
For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called.
- Being unloved-
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
- People not liking me-
For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.
- Knowing the future-
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
- Romance/Feeling cherished and important
The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
What do I feel will happen if I’m not in control? Well my head says nothing major will happen, that God will work it all out. I want things done the way I think they are to be done. I guess that’s pride and control isn’t? Ugh. I don’t want to be like that!!! I guess I feel anxious and worried when I’m not in control.
Worst case scenarios would be:
- my husband cheating on me
- my husband leaving
- my husband getting more distant and mean
- my children copying our behaviour in their relationships
- my husband not coming to Christ
I guess the tapes that play in my head are that:
- I’m not good enough
- I’m a failure
- I made the wrong choice marrying my husband (that one makes me sad…but it’s the truth)
- my husband will never change and only get worse
- my husband has issues he needs to deal with but is putting his head in the sand or using hobbies/smoking etc to drown it out
- I guess with God I feel that I’ve done something to deserve this, that I’m not good enough
- I feel He’s ignoring me
Are these things you are telling yourself true? If so, what will you do about it? If they are lies, what is the real truth?
What if God is able to even turn “mistakes” into something beautiful and glorious?
The things I tell myself aren’t true. No. It’s a false perception I’m believing. Satan is the father of lies and I’m sure he enjoys me believing these lies so he has me being less than I am…of who God made me to be.
Those lies stop me from doing things, they cause me to act of fear or control, they produce self pity and bitterness it me. I didn’t realise how powerful those lies were until typing this just now. It’s bondage. Chains. But Christ came to break every chain. He came to free me from the bondage of sin!!! I need to walk in this daily!
You are so right. Those lies are absolutely creating bondage and they are very powerful. You end up believing those lies that you repeat to yourself over and over again.
Jesus DID set you free from the bondage of sin. You died with Him on the cross. Your old sinful self is dead and buried with Christ. Now He gives you a new self, a new heart, a new Spirit so that you can live in the power of His resurrection and in His truth. You can choose to stay bound by those old lies. But you don’t have to stay there. Jesus set you free already. All you have to do is thank Him and praise Him for it and begin to live in Him. 🙂
Some things to wrestle with on a very deep heart level:
Are you willing to lay down all of these fears and the lies that you are believing?
Is God sovereign even if your worst case scenarios were to happen?
Are you willing to replace those tapes with the truth of God?
Are you willing to give up all resentment and bitterness towards your husband and God?
What are you afraid to trust God with?
What would happen if you fully surrendered to Christ and trusted His sovereignty?
Is God who He says He is?
Is His Word true?
I definitely want to. I feel like Paul when he’s talking about doing the things he doesn’t want to do…
I guess it’s all renewing my mind isn’t it? Feeding it on the Word of God and replacing those lies and thoughts with Gods Word.
I’m going to watch through your video on idols and read all the posts again on them. (From Peacefulwife – you can search “idol” “idolatry” “insecurity” “security” “control” “fear” on my home page)
Do you know of any sermons that cover this? I might google my favourite preachers and see if they have anything to say on it. (From Peacefulwife – I would suggest checking at www.desiringgod.org – John Piper’s site and www.radical.net – David Platt’s site.)
You know I saw something on fb that said the more you are in the Word the more you believe His promises. That’s been true for me. Since you challenged me to read every day and not just go on my old knowledge of what I’ve read I’ve been able to take control of thoughts. I’m reading the Watchman Nee book you suggested, too, (The Normal Christian Life) and have nearly everything in it highlighted. Lol.
So I’m building my faith up, building my thought life up and now the next step is to start putting it into practice. So when hubby snaps at me for no apparent reason instead of me thinking he hates me or “poor me” I can think “I wonder what’s making him so mad and stressed? How can I help him share what’s bothering him? How can I show him that we love and need him around”.
Thank you for being submitted to God to allow Him to speak through you. I’ve come to see that I have lots of sin in my life and instead of looking at what my husband may or may not be doing, I need to look at me!!!
I love this! What God is already doing in your heart is SO BEAUTIFUL! His Word is powerful. We need to feed our souls with it often. We have no power when we are starving ourselves spiritually. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for you and your husband!
Fear Fuels Our Need to Control
Laying Down All of Our Expectations
Expectations – Part 1
PEACEFULWIFE YOUTUBE VIDEOS:
What Causes a Woman to Become Controlling? – 11 minutes
Overcoming Fear – Part 1 – 14 minutes(different content from the blog posts)
Overcoming Fear – Part 2 – 12 minutes