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A Lightbulb Moment for a Wife Who LOVES Control

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I am so thankful to the wife who allowed me to share her story. I have a feeling that God may use her lightbulb moment to trigger a lightbulb moment for many other wives, too! 

Why am I stressed? Well I could say because my husband works 12+ hours a day 6 days a week and I only see him 30 mins a day and on his day off he just sleeps and he is grouchy all the time or because I have a much needed surgery scheduled for May 6 and still haven’t heard if my insurance will cover the surgeon, But, that wouldn’t be true…I am stressed because I want to control these things and I can’t.

I am thankful to say that the last few days and with the help of your story, Nikka, I figured out many things and I feel better.

Lying in bed the other night, I wondered what I was not getting. Then it hit me. April, talks all the time about making your husband an idol and depending on God to meet your needs but it just didn’t sink in.

One thing I was doing was trying to be the perfect wife.

I was trying to do all I could to be happy and smiling and helpful when my husband was awake. Then he would just be grouchy and mean and I would get upset. I would make his favorite pie and he would grump at me. I would fuss at him for his behavior and take another step back.

Another thing I was doing was reading and praying and trying everything I could to fix me so I wouldn’t be emotional and I wouldn’t be upset by his moods and I wouldn’t be upset because he would not ask for less work hours. I was upset because he didn’t seem to need me at all anymore for anything.

So what hit me was

  • I am trying to get closer to God.
  • I am trying to be a good wife.
  • BUT, I am not learning to control me!

Being a person that likes to control, I need to learn to control my responses. I need to make my own life right – now, during this season. I had been reading Joyce Meyers book on controlling emotions and she laid it all out and I finally got it.

  • There is so much power in controlling one’s emotions.
  • Not controlling them zaps all our strength. ( I am a poster child for that!)

I can’t get closer to God or be respectful if I can’t even control me.

Since I like to control this was like offering candy to me. I get to control something!!

  • I stopped immediately trying to be the perfect wife. That only brought me hurt when it wasn’t appreciated.
  • I will ask him if he needs me to do anything but I won’t fall all over myself trying to please him.
  • I also decided to stop talking about my problems or even thinking about them. I mentioned them here as only a point. When I think about them or talk about them it only adds to my stress. Something else I can control!!

When my husband was grumpy with me, I just answered nicely and went outside to my flowers. Instead of feeling hurt and offended, I thought well that is his sin, I will go do something nice for myself and enjoy God’s beauty. Another thing I can control!!

I really like to control, can you tell? I just needed to find a way to do it the right way.

The weird thing is I was having a hard time focusing on God through all this. Maybe like Nikki, I was just thinking that God didn’t want to do things like I thought He should, so why bother? Why wouldn’t God want my husband to work less and spend more time with the family? Why wouldn’t God want me to have my surgery?

Because God knew I needed to depend on Him not my husband for my companionship, safety and love.

If I depend on my husband for those things, I will always be disappointed when I don’t get it. Yes, I know you say this all the time, April but I just didn’t seem to get order of things. 🙂

I need to control my overwhelming emotions before anything else can fall into place. When I do that I will once again feel in control of my life.

So for me the order needed to be…

1. Control my hurt, anger, responses and thoughts.

2. Draw closer to God to meet my needs.

3. Respect my husband.

INSTEAD OF….

1.Try to be the perfect wife and respect my husband.

2.Try to be closer to God.

3. Hope God can fix my emotional messed up head and actions.

Seems like God should be first, right?…but He plainly showed me that He can’t be first until I get some of the junk out and make room for him.

FROM NIKKA:

 

Wonderful sharing! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

How refreshing your insight was on CONTROL.

Come to think of it, CONTROL should be amoral.

It is not bad or good in and by itself. It only becomes bad when one uses it for things or people that are clearly NOT one’s responsibility or business, like “changing” one’s husband because that is not for one to control, only God can change hearts.

BUT,

and this is the exciting part that I learned from your sharing..

We are encouraged to CONTROL things too by no less than our good God!

  • Control our tongue.
  • Control our temper.
  • Control our emotions.
  • Control our passions.
  • Control our desires.
  • Control our thoughts.
  • Control our actions.

Yay! We can still ‘CONTROL’ but in a good way, in a godly way!

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I LOVE this!  I remember thinking something VERY similar. I realized that I needed to control myself and that I could change myself – with God’s help. And I thought, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Something I can control! WOOOHOOO!  I love being in control. I can’t control Greg. I can’t control God. But with God’s help, I CAN learn to control myself! So that is where I began to focus. That was also where my greatest power was and is.

What lightbulb moments have you had about these issues? We’d love to hear about it! You may just be the catalyst that jumpstarts many more lightbulb moments for God in other women’s hearts.

————–

This post is based on the fruit of the Spirit of self control (Galatians 5:22-23)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

and agape love that God commands us to have for all people (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

and showing honor and respect to our husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33)

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

and using wisdom as wives to build up our home instead of tear it down with our own hands (or mouths)

The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

27 thoughts on “A Lightbulb Moment for a Wife Who LOVES Control

  1. This was just priceless! Wow!! I cried, I laughed reading this!! What a revelation at the end the week..We are to have self control !!! (Of course!!) This was just so beautiful, so funny, such an eye opener..I have struggled so with emotions this week, pounding inn truths, tearing out my heart and all it’s crazy feelings.. Not getting it at all! Then comes this.. You beautiful person who wrote this..Thank you dear one! This is going straight into my “read me every day book”… Thank you!!!

    1. Charlotte,
      I’m so glad this wife’s comments blessed you. I have a feeling that almost every wife who reads this will have her own lightbulb moments. Thank you so much for sharing with us on this journey together! I’m thrilled that God is speaking so powerfully to you. 🙂

  2. Thank you for sharing this example. This is where I have been unaware! It’s exciting to see this huge missing piece of why I have been getting tripped up in my marriage. Yesterday I was reading my journals from 17 years ago when I met my husband and within 8 weeks I was already trying to control things. Then I read a journal entry from 8 years ago and I was angry at my husband for backing away and not jumping up to greet me when I would get home. I mentioned that he would ignore me and I wrote “when did that start?” I justified my behavior as being a very sensitive person and my husband was mean. Today’s email showed me that I have never really been in control of my emotions. Yesterday after reading all the journal entries I felt distressed over how negative I was. Since December I have been surrendering and feeling good. Today’s email showed me where I need control. Controlling myself. I needed this. This website is a real blessing.

    1. Rebekah,
      I am so glad this wife’s lightbulbs helped you! I love hearing each wife’s lightbulb moments. Each wife has her own unique path and learning style and way of expressing things and her own focus. I love every single story!
      Thank you so much for sharing!

  3. This is so perfect for me today since it’s something that has been on my mind! Thank you!

    I have been trying to carefully watch my motivation as I serve my husband and family…. am I doing these things because I know (or expect) my husband to react positively or am I doing it “as unto the Lord”?? People will ALWAYS disappoint us at some time, so I’ve had to try to remember that I am not serving for their approval!! That makes ALL the difference in my attitude!

    I love what you said about emotions:
    “Not controlling them zaps all our strength. ( I am a poster child for that!)”

    I used to be (and still am at times!!) just a SLAVE to my emotions! My ultimate goal, when it came down to it, was to do WHATEVER it took to make myself “happy”!! What an exhausting experience! BUT praise God because “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom”!! This is true in SO many ways— now I am FREE from my sin nature and no longer rely on other people or my emotions to make me “happy”!!

  4. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! I can see some areas in my life where I need to have our Lord shed his light on. My husbands works a lot too And sometimes…well…most of the time i get angry because I am here with the kids,(which is great, would like some company though) Then when he gets home is a a grumpy person too then i just want him to go back to work!

    My husband before has told me to “Let go and Let God”. Sometimes this would frustrate me because I want things done my way when I want them done. Other times I could agree with him and pray then hand it over to God.

    A while back my husband and I went to marriage counseling, it worked really good. I learned that I can not change my husband only Jesus can. And as I sat their pointing the finger at my husband, it was brought back to me…What do you do? What is YOUR reaction in some of these situations?….A lot of them had to deal with control on my part. SO thank you so much for sharing! I obviously need to spend some time with God so He can show me what He wants to change in my life. 🙂

  5. Oh my goodness! This is exactly what I needed to hear! God has definitely been working in my heart but I couldn’t figure out why it seemed that my marriage was getting worse. I was putting God first so that should be what’s needed, right? WRONG! I still needed to step aside. And being a control freak deluxe (quietly, though. Is there such a thing as a passive control freak? If so, that’s me!), I am grateful to have something to control. How sad that I’ve struggled to let go of controlling others & ignored controlling myself. Focusing on what I can’t control instead of what I can. My prayer now is that God will see my heart in this & let His Spirit in me be the speaker for me, not my selfish, controlling flesh. So hard sometimes, though.

  6. It’s great that so many sisters are having AHA moments! 🙂 It’s so exciting to see people “getting it”!

    When we “let go and let God”, it does not mean we lose control of everything and just sort of let God push us around. God did give us FREE WILL after all. Even with Christ living in our hearts already and the Spirit transforming us daily, it is still US who will have to choose God again and again, and not choose to sin again and again. We do not become ROBOTS devoid of reasoning or choices.

    But, we are asked to CONTROL every THOUGHT for Christ!

    2 Corinthians 10:5

    5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    We are asked to CONTROL every WORD that comes out of our mouth!

    James 1:26

    If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.

    We are asked to CONTROL our temper and our emotions!

    Proverbs 29:11
    A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

    Colossians 3:8
    But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

    We are asked to CONTROL ourselves, especially in our homes!

    Titus 2:5

    to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

    How wonderful to know that in letting go and letting God, we do not lose ourselves. We are asked to CONTROL our SINFUL natures, in order for God’s Spirit to really take over. We do the controlling by OURSELVES. God can only work in our hearts and we ourselves have removed the filth.

    FAITH is both a GIFT (Freely given by God) and a RESPONSIBILITY (We do our part).

    Thanks for all your inspiring comments. 🙂

    God bless us all.

    Love,

    Nikka

  7. Refined,
    I look forward to being able (on a regular basis) give my husband love without strings, and appreciate him. My husband isn’t a bad guy. It is so easy for me to go to a place of feeling like he doesnt love me when he doesnt act the way i think a man in love should act. Its such a bad feeling and a waste of time! Your message was good for me to hear.

  8. A fellow wife,
    I agree! I think the first thing we learn is to stop the verbal disrespect. The nonverbal stuff is much harder and takes more Holy Spirit power! 🙂

    I have a post about the stages of this process, I hope to re-run in the next few days. 🙂

  9. Kelly,
    Wow!

    That was some seriously powerful stuff God spoke to you. Sure would have grabbed my attention, too!!! And I love that your daughter spoke to her dad to try to help him find peace.

    Praise God for what He is doing in your heart!!!!

  10. Thanks, Refined! I’m just now finding who I was made to be & it’s just a little of center of “normal.” And learning to be ok with it & not seeking approval from others has been quite a journey. A little scary, for sure, so your words really ministered to me in a mighty way. Thank you!

  11. Wow! So very eye opening. This could very well be my own story. I used to believe that because I wasn’t being controlling in a verbal way, I wasn’t being controlling. But in reality, my motive to be the “perfect wife” was all wrong. It was in order to make my husband show more love. For example, I thought if I shower him with all the love and attention I could, he will feel compelled to show me love the way I want him to. So totally wrong! I’ve had major issues with being overly sensitive to my husband’s bad moods instead of seeing them as his own issues or sins, I took them to heart demanding a reason why, questioning him and ultimately causing an argument. Its been difficult truly coming to grips with the fact that I can’t control anyone else, not my husband, my children or anyone but myself. So instead of trying to control him I need to gain control of my own emotions and make sure my relationship with God is always first priority. I definitely needed to read this today. Another post that spoke directly to my sinful heart. Thank you!!!

  12. Hi Peaceful wife!

    First I love your blog and have learned so much from it over the past few months. Especially on how to give my husband the respect that God wants of me. I thought for many years that I was alone in my struggles, but it has been encouraging to read your journey, and that of your commentators, and see them, with God’s help, overcome the same issues I have. This post in particular spoke to me, for I too struggle with control and all the sin it leads to.

    I however wanted to point out what I believe will be helpful to your readers. While this advice is filled with helpful words, we need to guard from “worldly wisdom” (1Cor. 3:19). I too often encounter the temptation to give advice based on my personal opinion or experience, and this tends to be unbalanced and not necessarily godly.

    This post and others in the blog could have benefitted from direction from God’s word which is always useful “for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2Timothy 3:16)

    PeacefulwifePhilippines, in her comment above, does well in pointing out scripture that speaks to this topic of control.

    I hope that this will help build you up and the many women you encourage as we all seek to be godly women using God’s word, as a light to our path.

    1. Debiterry,
      Thanks so much for commenting!

      Yes, thank you for pointing out, worldly wisdom is not helpful, and actually can be quite destructive. Ultimately, all of our wisdom needs to come from God’s word and we absolutely need to test and measure everything we hear against the Bible.

      1. This post is based on the fruit of the Spirit of self control (Galatians 5:22-23)

        But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

        and agape love that God commands us to have for all people (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

        Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

        and showing honor and respect to our husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33)

        Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
        25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

        and using wisdom as wives to build up our home instead of tear it down with our own hands (or mouths)

        The wise woman builds her house,
        but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

  13. I am deeply humbled and quite surprised at the response to my story. I thought, surely, I was the only one struggling in this way and not getting it. I am praying for each of you. 🙂

  14. I really need to learn to control myself – especially my emotions, but also my reactions. I am quick to apologise if I realise that something I have done or said has upset or frustrated my husband, but in reality the “damage” is already done. I didn’t realise it fully until today (and then stumbled across this very appropriate blog post!), but the biggest issue right now in our marriage is my inability to control my emotions. I have particular issues with crying – to me it is an involuntary emotional reaction and part of me dealing with an issue, but I definitely do it too much and am easily set off. It affects all kinds of things in our relationship and I feel that I need to take better control.

    1. Just me,
      I had a problem with crying too. It seems like once I got my emotions more in control, I would could put his hurtful ways or comments “in a separate box of his sin” and then I wasn’t so devastated or hurt. Two good books…The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle and Managing your Emotions (I think is the name) by Joyce Meyer Both of these really helped me along with April’s teachings.

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