Skip to main content

A Lightbulb Moment for a Wife Who LOVES Control

1205205_80089250

ADMINISTRATIVE NOTES:

** If you want to search for posts by topic, go down on the right hand column of my home page and click on “posts by category” and you can see a large list of many topics to choose from. When you click on one, all the related posts will be displayed.

** Our children will be on spring break after today for the following week. I may not be able to respond to comments as quickly as usual (until 4-22-14). I am planning to spend a lot of time with Greg and our children. You are welcome to leave comments and I would certainly encourage you all to minister to one another, support and build up and pray for each other. Thank you for the way you love and honor everyone who comments here. I’m so thankful for each of you!

 

I am so thankful to the wife who allowed me to share her story. I have a feeling that God may use her lightbulb moment to trigger a lightbulb moment for many other wives, too! 

Why am I stressed? Well I could say because my husband works 12+ hours a day 6 days a week and I only see him 30 mins a day and on his day off he just sleeps and he is grouchy all the time or because I have a much needed surgery scheduled for May 6 and still haven’t heard if my insurance will cover the surgeon, But, that wouldn’t be true…I am stressed because I want to control these things and I can’t.

I am thankful to say that the last few days and with the help of your story, Nikka, I figured out many things and I feel better.

Lying in bed the other night, I wondered what I was not getting. Then it hit me. April, talks all the time about making your husband an idol and depending on God to meet your needs but it just didn’t sink in.

One thing I was doing was trying to be the perfect wife.

I was trying to do all I could to be happy and smiling and helpful when my husband was awake. Then he would just be grouchy and mean and I would get upset. I would make his favorite pie and he would grump at me. I would fuss at him for his behavior and take another step back.

Another thing I was doing was reading and praying and trying everything I could to fix me so I wouldn’t be emotional and I wouldn’t be upset by his moods and I wouldn’t be upset because he would not ask for less work hours. I was upset because he didn’t seem to need me at all anymore for anything.

So what hit me was

  • I am trying to get closer to God.
  • I am trying to be a good wife.
  • BUT, I am not learning to control me!

Being a person that likes to control, I need to learn to control my responses. I need to make my own life right – now, during this season. I had been reading Joyce Meyers book on controlling emotions and she laid it all out and I finally got it.

  • There is so much power in controlling one’s emotions.
  • Not controlling them zaps all our strength. ( I am a poster child for that!)

I can’t get closer to God or be respectful if I can’t even control me.

Since I like to control this was like offering candy to me. I get to control something!!

  • I stopped immediately trying to be the perfect wife. That only brought me hurt when it wasn’t appreciated.
  • I will ask him if he needs me to do anything but I won’t fall all over myself trying to please him.
  • I also decided to stop talking about my problems or even thinking about them. I mentioned them here as only a point. When I think about them or talk about them it only adds to my stress. Something else I can control!!

When my husband was grumpy with me, I just answered nicely and went outside to my flowers. Instead of feeling hurt and offended, I thought well that is his sin, I will go do something nice for myself and enjoy God’s beauty. Another thing I can control!!

I really like to control, can you tell? I just needed to find a way to do it the right way.

The weird thing is I was having a hard time focusing on God through all this. Maybe like Nikki, I was just thinking that God didn’t want to do things like I thought He should, so why bother? Why wouldn’t God want my husband to work less and spend more time with the family? Why wouldn’t God want me to have my surgery?

Because God knew I needed to depend on Him not my husband for my companionship, safety and love.

If I depend on my husband for those things, I will always be disappointed when I don’t get it. Yes, I know you say this all the time, April but I just didn’t seem to get order of things. 🙂

I need to control my overwhelming emotions before anything else can fall into place. When I do that I will once again feel in control of my life.

So for me the order needed to be…

1. Control my hurt, anger, responses and thoughts.

2. Draw closer to God to meet my needs.

3. Respect my husband.

INSTEAD OF….

1.Try to be the perfect wife and respect my husband.

2.Try to be closer to God.

3. Hope God can fix my emotional messed up head and actions.

Seems like God should be first, right?…but He plainly showed me that He can’t be first until I get some of the junk out and make room for him.

FROM NIKKA:

 

Wonderful sharing! 🙂 Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

How refreshing your insight was on CONTROL.

Come to think of it, CONTROL should be amoral.

It is not bad or good in and by itself. It only becomes bad when one uses it for things or people that are clearly NOT one’s responsibility or business, like “changing” one’s husband because that is not for one to control, only God can change hearts.

BUT,

and this is the exciting part that I learned from your sharing..

We are encouraged to CONTROL things too by no less than our good God!

  • Control our tongue.
  • Control our temper.
  • Control our emotions.
  • Control our passions.
  • Control our desires.
  • Control our thoughts.
  • Control our actions.

Yay! We can still ‘CONTROL’ but in a good way, in a godly way!

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I LOVE this!  I remember thinking something VERY similar. I realized that I needed to control myself and that I could change myself – with God’s help. And I thought, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Something I can control! WOOOHOOO!  I love being in control. I can’t control Greg. I can’t control God. But with God’s help, I CAN learn to control myself! So that is where I began to focus. That was also where my greatest power was and is.

What lightbulb moments have you had about these issues? We’d love to hear about it! You may just be the catalyst that jumpstarts many more lightbulb moments for God in other women’s hearts.

————–

This post is based on the fruit of the Spirit of self control (Galatians 5:22-23)

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

and agape love that God commands us to have for all people (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

and showing honor and respect to our husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33)

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

and using wisdom as wives to build up our home instead of tear it down with our own hands (or mouths)

The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

53 thoughts on “A Lightbulb Moment for a Wife Who LOVES Control

  1. Gee it seemed like that was my story. My husband seems to be exactly the same in all areas. And I was trying to do everything perfect…yet controlling my reactions and emotions was not something I was doing.

    Thanks for sharing your story!!! I have realised THAT is what I need to control too, my emotions and reactions.

  2. Ohhhh I loved this post… It comes at the right moment to me.. Many of you know me from the tooth incident I had shared in January.. Yday was another such day, I took a day off, because I had too many pending things on my list. I had my passport application on hold which I had to take care, my daughter tore a demand draft which i had to cancel and apply for a fresh one, I had to register my two wheeler vehicle… In India it takes much longer to get all these done.. I was driving in the sun and I was exhausted… To top it all, I met with an accident, my vehicle skid and I my knees and legs got bruised and I sprained my waist and shoulder.. I had a tough day! And the voices in my head were louder… But I tried to control them… I tried to control my emotions.. I wished that my husband was beside me.. and I was literally feeling heavy that he’s of no help to me!! So i decided to do something else to control my emotions, it was my dads birthday so I chose to buy a cake and a gift and make some food which he likes to avoid myself getting burnt in my emotions.. Its DINT help much i should confess… I felt too negative… But then there was another voice telling me that God isn’t giving me all of that I want – my husbands company, his care, his love because he doesn’t wants me to content with that… He wants me to find contentment in HIM alone.. This is very difficult for me right now… My husband and I have not had proper conversations for the past few weeks…. I know I need God’s strength and His Holy Spirit to help me tide the storm… Its absolutely easy for me to make some damaging decisions right now.. Although I’m still struggling with my body language and lack of proper communication..

    I know all of you here will support me with your prayers as I go thru some of my darker days

    Love
    Vinodhini

    1. Vinodhini,

      Goodness what a difficult day! I am praying that you will have time to get in the Word and in prayer, humbly before God – that you might have your strength greatly renewed and refreshed by our Savior. And I pray for His power to equip and enable to you to walk in obedience even though things are very discouraging right now.

      I’m so glad you are not more seriously hurt!

      Praying for God’s strength, peace, wisdom, power, joy and direction right now for you!

      1. April,

        Yeah Im hoping for the same, to get to my knees in the presence of God… I find myself theoretically sound but I find it difficult to put to practice what I know… What do I do?? Why are my emotions so erratic? Sometimes I find myself too joyful and other times depressed… I find my graph in every area of my life to be very erratic… I’m very good or very bad… hahaha… I’m not consistent at all… This gives a very bad impression about me to everyone around me… I try to control my emotions and then one fine day bring them out.. now my reactions are not very disrespectful but then it shows in my face…

        Yeah im not hurt much.. but my body is paining..

        1. Vinodhini,

          The only way I know how to do this is to be in the Word and to be full of God’s Spirit. Praying for you – I know you have some health issues that are making it even more complicated right now.

          Much love to you!

          1. Ive been feeling good… I dint force myself to do everything I wanted to, despite just gave time for myself and my little girl.. cooked some good food for my husband…. and tried keeping it low… it helped.. 🙂 I dint get much time to spend in the word of God and prayer…. I got up late, with my daughter and once shes awake… i just cant get alone for prayer or anything.. Tomorrow being palm sunday, I taught my daughter a song for the day in my native language… It was quite fulfilling… Now I will take her out for shopping.. 🙂

        2. Hi, Vinodhini~~

          I think that we learn to control our disrespectful actions/ reactions verbally before we do non-verbally…. for me, I learned to stop saying disrespectful things (most of the time, anyways) before I learned to stop things that were non verbal such as giving my husband a look or rolling my eyes. Those things are hard to stop.

          For me, I have to watch those things very carefully. Just know you are not alone in learning ‘part 2’. It is a journey, this process…. an important thing for me was realizing that even when I fall, I can keep going.

          Blessings to you!

          1. A fellow wife,
            I agree! I think the first thing we learn is to stop the verbal disrespect. The nonverbal stuff is much harder and takes more Holy Spirit power! 🙂

            I have a post about the stages of this process, I hope to re-run in the next few days. 🙂

  3. This was just priceless! Wow!! I cried, I laughed reading this!! What a revelation at the end the week..We are to have self control !!! (Of course!!) This was just so beautiful, so funny, such an eye opener..I have struggled so with emotions this week, pounding inn truths, tearing out my heart and all it’s crazy feelings.. Not getting it at all! Then comes this.. You beautiful person who wrote this..Thank you dear one! This is going straight into my “read me every day book”… Thank you!!!

    1. Charlotte,
      I’m so glad this wife’s comments blessed you. I have a feeling that almost every wife who reads this will have her own lightbulb moments. Thank you so much for sharing with us on this journey together! I’m thrilled that God is speaking so powerfully to you. 🙂

  4. Ok, I’m trying to figure this out. Yes, I am trying very, very, very hard to be the perfect wife because I think that is what God wants… So that shouldn’t be my goal??? If he is grumpy or works too much, I DO NOT snap at him or get huffy. I force a smile and sweet words. What I cannot control is the sadness inside of me. I don’t have a clue how to control that. I am good at controlling my tongue and my outside stuff but not my inside stuff…

    I’m continuing to have my quiet time. I’m just not sure what the answer is…

    1. Dear Elizabeth,
      I wonder if you’re feeling also that there is so much striving to be perfect, but feeling as though there is never rest for your dear soul. Jesus calls us to rest in Him. He wants righteousness, but not an anxiety producing standard of perfection in our hearts that condemns us because we can never be perfect in this life…..Perhaps the following will better clarify what I feel inadequate to say clearly…..
      http://www.cfdevotionals.org/devpages/de960702.htm

      Praying for you today.

      1. This is like so many other things in my life: I KNOW them logically but I don’t feel them. I printed it off to read and remind myself, but don’t know that it will help any more than anything else I’ve done. How do you get your HEART to FEEL it and believe it. I can nod and agree to so many thing. Yep, that is the way it should be, that is the way I should feel, but I don’t. I repeat scripture but it doesn’t change my heart if that makes sense. It is like there is a HUGE disconnect.

        1. Elizabeth,
          It is probably time to do a very deep examination of your motives and to allow God in to the darkest corners of your heart.

          What is it that you are holding back?

          What are your greatest fears?

          What do you believe you need to be happy?

          Much love!!! And a big hug!

    2. Elizabeth,

      Woah!!!!!!

      I don’t think God wants us to be perfect. He wants us to be in intimate fellowship with Him and with people. He wants us to live by the power of His Spirit. he wants to give us victory over sin.

      But if your goal is to be “perfect” – that is going to be very, very stressful… Not to mention, impossible. Have you seen my video about perfectionism on YouTube? My channel is “April Cassidy”. 🙂

      There is a very delicate balance to find where you are honest, transparent and authentic yet at the same time respectful, kind and loving. You don’t have to fake smiles. You have joy because God gives you joy.

      What if your goal was just to know Jesus more and more and to become more like Him and to be full of His power?

      When His Spirit fills you, He gives you His supernatural joy and peace.

      Why are you sad, my sweet friend?

    3. Dear Elisabeth. Your sentence “I cannot control the sadness inside me” made me stop and I feel so sad for you! How many times I have felt that.. That is so hard, because it has to do with repentance and healing. It was for me anyway, and maybe this can help you a bit. My hurt feelings had it’s root in plain and simple selfishness. But we can also be affected by other peoples sins towards us.(mix of that can confuse us, but lets not focus on others) So forgiveness can be one key, repentance another.. I actually really repent from hurt feelings and give, it over to God. Ask forgiveness, give forgiveness, pray for healing, pray for cleansing..Turn away from hurt and go to God for all that I need.(Like lightbulb wife) He is love, the best, most perfect love. It is nearly “silly” to go to sinners and expect them to love us and care for us perfectly! But we still get a tiny shock when they let us down. (Isn’t that funny!!) It shouldn’t be so surprising to us really! In repentance I find so much help in denying myself, lay down my life, and pick up my cross, and follow Him.. I do this with hurt also, again and again if I need to for a season..To be set free deeply and fully! Give your hurt feelings over to God. Ask Him to set you free and be willing to repent and fight it. Hurt can have such a huge hold of our hearts, treat it as an enemy that will do nothing for you but keeping you miserable ..Hurt can also be “disguised” bitterness. Or it can have a root of bitterness in it. It was for me. Then I had to deal with that! Hard work but the fruit is wonderful when we go the extra mile in deep repentance, because it is so much healing and “restoring love” we miss if we don’t dig deep down in our heart and search ourselves there. Repentance is such a great thing, always healing in side it! I so understand how you feel.. We go through the same things. I will pray for you. Hoping some of this may help you even a tiny bit, if not, know that I will pray for you so much anyway. Love Charlotte

      1. Charlotte,
        Thanks for seeking to love and encourage our sister, Elizabeth!

        Elizabeth,
        I don’t know if these are your issues. They may not be. I know it is very difficult to deal with a depressed husband. That alone can be extremely discouraging. And it can be very overwhelming to try to be perfect. I have a post about that up today! And I have a post on perfectionism on my Youtube channel “April Cassidy”

        Or you may be dealing with something else entirely.

        I lift you up to our Lord for Him to heal you! Much love to you!

        I have a series on bitterness. That was a HUGE issue for me, too!

        Exploring the Depths of Bitterness

        Finding God’s Victory Over Bitterness

        Bitterness Is Contagious and Toxic

        Spiritual Causes of Depression and Anxiety

        Finding Healing for Hopelessness

    4. Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you. I felt the same way. I was not only sad inside but anxious and in turmoil. I was trying to fix my marriage. I desperately wanted it to be different. Surely if I do enough, it will be. Surely, if I am just a better wife, things will turn around. All that accomplished was crying in desperation most days.

      When I wrote my story in a comment to one of Nikki’s posts, I was just at the end of my rope. I either had to get this or just give up (I felt).

      The one thing I did that I think might help you, is I had to back away from being the perfect wife. I had to take care of myself. This is something that was foreign to me.

      I had to look at it as This is just a season in my husband’s life. I can’t let it get me down. I have to make my own life good. Right now his life is negative and if I keep trying to fix it, then I am just becoming more and more sad. This is his choice so I have to take care of me.

      That doesn’t mean I don’t try to bless my husband each day. I still try to do at least one thing that will bless him. But, I stopped the other things. For example, I had been sick all week with a cold/allergies. I finally made it to the grocery store but I still felt bad. When I got home, my husband asked me did I forget the popsicles? My normal response would have been Oh I am so sorry. Let me get these groceries put up and I will go get them. If I had done this and later that evening if I were to ask my husband for something like a cuddle or help with a chore and he said no, I would have been extremely hurt and upset. So instead, I said I am sorry Honey, I will start a new grocery list and make sure I pick them up next time.

      I struggled at that moment between feeling selfish and not doing enough and feeling like I needed to take care of me. If he had been sick with a sore throat of course I would have returned to the store, but he was capable of going himself if he really wanted them. We only live a mile away.

      I think when I was discontent and sad all the time, it was because I was making myself a doormat. He wasn’t doing it. I was. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I had to come to the point that it was ok to eat the best apple in the bowl. It was ok to say No, I can’t do that right now. It was ok for me to allow myself to separate myself from my husband’s bad mood and do something nice for me.

      And you know what I found out? When I did that….guess who was there to give me the love, affection and contentment that I needed?…..GOD! But, you see, I couldn’t feel that when I was trying to be the perfect wife and fix my husband and our problems.

      I am praying for you that you can find joy and happiness because I well know what it is like not to have it.

  5. Thank you for sharing this example. This is where I have been unaware! It’s exciting to see this huge missing piece of why I have been getting tripped up in my marriage. Yesterday I was reading my journals from 17 years ago when I met my husband and within 8 weeks I was already trying to control things. Then I read a journal entry from 8 years ago and I was angry at my husband for backing away and not jumping up to greet me when I would get home. I mentioned that he would ignore me and I wrote “when did that start?” I justified my behavior as being a very sensitive person and my husband was mean. Today’s email showed me that I have never really been in control of my emotions. Yesterday after reading all the journal entries I felt distressed over how negative I was. Since December I have been surrendering and feeling good. Today’s email showed me where I need control. Controlling myself. I needed this. This website is a real blessing.

    1. Rebekah,
      I am so glad this wife’s lightbulbs helped you! I love hearing each wife’s lightbulb moments. Each wife has her own unique path and learning style and way of expressing things and her own focus. I love every single story!
      Thank you so much for sharing!

  6. This is so perfect for me today since it’s something that has been on my mind! Thank you!

    I have been trying to carefully watch my motivation as I serve my husband and family…. am I doing these things because I know (or expect) my husband to react positively or am I doing it “as unto the Lord”?? People will ALWAYS disappoint us at some time, so I’ve had to try to remember that I am not serving for their approval!! That makes ALL the difference in my attitude!

    I love what you said about emotions:
    “Not controlling them zaps all our strength. ( I am a poster child for that!)”

    I used to be (and still am at times!!) just a SLAVE to my emotions! My ultimate goal, when it came down to it, was to do WHATEVER it took to make myself “happy”!! What an exhausting experience! BUT praise God because “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom”!! This is true in SO many ways— now I am FREE from my sin nature and no longer rely on other people or my emotions to make me “happy”!!

      1. Elizabeth,

        When you have God’s spirit! you have JOY!!!! No one can take away the joy God gives you. You serve from a place of great strength and godly power, not from weakness and depression or fear.

  7. I feel your pain, Elizabeth. On the way home today from work I had a thought that I hope may be of some help. “I can be me- giggly, goofy, silly me- and happy because I’m free to be all those things no matter what he does.” I don’t have to wait for affirmation, or validation, or a sincere smile to make the sun come out. I don’t have to only serve him because he just served me. I am free to be generous and funny just because I’m me!

    If this all sounds rather infantile to you, my sister, I won’t be offended! From a recovering co-dependent, it’s big for me! We had been homeschoolers and this was the first year the kids were in school because I needed to get my head together. I’m looking forward to giving more to my children and exploring more of my own talents —now that I’m not soooo obsessed with why my husband’s not making me happy or fulfilled or the prince I thought I married. And now that I’m giving him love without strings, I actually appreciate him more. He’s actually not a bad guy!

    I also enjoy my fellow submissive girlfriends more. My house is cleaner and has been put in order. There are more freshly baked goods (the kids are loving that). I hear birds chirping and I let myself enjoy that.

    I NEVER would’ve thought feeling this way would come with so little “help” from my husband. Keep moving forward and let God prove to you that He’s God. Give Him that chance.

    You can do this Elizabeth. Keep up the faith Vinn! So glad you are ok.

    1. Thanks, Refined! I’m just now finding who I was made to be & it’s just a little of center of “normal.” And learning to be ok with it & not seeking approval from others has been quite a journey. A little scary, for sure, so your words really ministered to me in a mighty way. Thank you!

  8. Wow! Thank you so much for sharing! I can see some areas in my life where I need to have our Lord shed his light on. My husbands works a lot too And sometimes…well…most of the time i get angry because I am here with the kids,(which is great, would like some company though) Then when he gets home is a a grumpy person too then i just want him to go back to work!

    My husband before has told me to “Let go and Let God”. Sometimes this would frustrate me because I want things done my way when I want them done. Other times I could agree with him and pray then hand it over to God.

    A while back my husband and I went to marriage counseling, it worked really good. I learned that I can not change my husband only Jesus can. And as I sat their pointing the finger at my husband, it was brought back to me…What do you do? What is YOUR reaction in some of these situations?….A lot of them had to deal with control on my part. SO thank you so much for sharing! I obviously need to spend some time with God so He can show me what He wants to change in my life. 🙂

  9. Oh my goodness! This is exactly what I needed to hear! God has definitely been working in my heart but I couldn’t figure out why it seemed that my marriage was getting worse. I was putting God first so that should be what’s needed, right? WRONG! I still needed to step aside. And being a control freak deluxe (quietly, though. Is there such a thing as a passive control freak? If so, that’s me!), I am grateful to have something to control. How sad that I’ve struggled to let go of controlling others & ignored controlling myself. Focusing on what I can’t control instead of what I can. My prayer now is that God will see my heart in this & let His Spirit in me be the speaker for me, not my selfish, controlling flesh. So hard sometimes, though.

  10. It’s great that so many sisters are having AHA moments! 🙂 It’s so exciting to see people “getting it”!

    When we “let go and let God”, it does not mean we lose control of everything and just sort of let God push us around. God did give us FREE WILL after all. Even with Christ living in our hearts already and the Spirit transforming us daily, it is still US who will have to choose God again and again, and not choose to sin again and again. We do not become ROBOTS devoid of reasoning or choices.

    But, we are asked to CONTROL every THOUGHT for Christ!

    2 Corinthians 10:5

    5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    We are asked to CONTROL every WORD that comes out of our mouth!

    James 1:26

    If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless.

    We are asked to CONTROL our temper and our emotions!

    Proverbs 29:11
    A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

    Colossians 3:8
    But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips.

    We are asked to CONTROL ourselves, especially in our homes!

    Titus 2:5

    to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.

    How wonderful to know that in letting go and letting God, we do not lose ourselves. We are asked to CONTROL our SINFUL natures, in order for God’s Spirit to really take over. We do the controlling by OURSELVES. God can only work in our hearts and we ourselves have removed the filth.

    FAITH is both a GIFT (Freely given by God) and a RESPONSIBILITY (We do our part).

    Thanks for all your inspiring comments. 🙂

    God bless us all.

    Love,

    Nikka

  11. Refined,
    I look forward to being able (on a regular basis) give my husband love without strings, and appreciate him. My husband isn’t a bad guy. It is so easy for me to go to a place of feeling like he doesnt love me when he doesnt act the way i think a man in love should act. Its such a bad feeling and a waste of time! Your message was good for me to hear.

  12. Kelly,
    Wow!

    That was some seriously powerful stuff God spoke to you. Sure would have grabbed my attention, too!!! And I love that your daughter spoke to her dad to try to help him find peace.

    Praise God for what He is doing in your heart!!!!

  13. Wow! So very eye opening. This could very well be my own story. I used to believe that because I wasn’t being controlling in a verbal way, I wasn’t being controlling. But in reality, my motive to be the “perfect wife” was all wrong. It was in order to make my husband show more love. For example, I thought if I shower him with all the love and attention I could, he will feel compelled to show me love the way I want him to. So totally wrong! I’ve had major issues with being overly sensitive to my husband’s bad moods instead of seeing them as his own issues or sins, I took them to heart demanding a reason why, questioning him and ultimately causing an argument. Its been difficult truly coming to grips with the fact that I can’t control anyone else, not my husband, my children or anyone but myself. So instead of trying to control him I need to gain control of my own emotions and make sure my relationship with God is always first priority. I definitely needed to read this today. Another post that spoke directly to my sinful heart. Thank you!!!

  14. Hi Peaceful wife!

    First I love your blog and have learned so much from it over the past few months. Especially on how to give my husband the respect that God wants of me. I thought for many years that I was alone in my struggles, but it has been encouraging to read your journey, and that of your commentators, and see them, with God’s help, overcome the same issues I have. This post in particular spoke to me, for I too struggle with control and all the sin it leads to.

    I however wanted to point out what I believe will be helpful to your readers. While this advice is filled with helpful words, we need to guard from “worldly wisdom” (1Cor. 3:19). I too often encounter the temptation to give advice based on my personal opinion or experience, and this tends to be unbalanced and not necessarily godly.

    This post and others in the blog could have benefitted from direction from God’s word which is always useful “for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2Timothy 3:16)

    PeacefulwifePhilippines, in her comment above, does well in pointing out scripture that speaks to this topic of control.

    I hope that this will help build you up and the many women you encourage as we all seek to be godly women using God’s word, as a light to our path.

    1. Debiterry,
      Thanks so much for commenting!

      Yes, thank you for pointing out, worldly wisdom is not helpful, and actually can be quite destructive. Ultimately, all of our wisdom needs to come from God’s word and we absolutely need to test and measure everything we hear against the Bible.

      1. This post is based on the fruit of the Spirit of self control (Galatians 5:22-23)

        But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

        and agape love that God commands us to have for all people (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

        Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.

        and showing honor and respect to our husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33)

        Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
        25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

        and using wisdom as wives to build up our home instead of tear it down with our own hands (or mouths)

        The wise woman builds her house,
        but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. Proverbs 14:1

  15. I am deeply humbled and quite surprised at the response to my story. I thought, surely, I was the only one struggling in this way and not getting it. I am praying for each of you. 🙂

  16. I really need to learn to control myself – especially my emotions, but also my reactions. I am quick to apologise if I realise that something I have done or said has upset or frustrated my husband, but in reality the “damage” is already done. I didn’t realise it fully until today (and then stumbled across this very appropriate blog post!), but the biggest issue right now in our marriage is my inability to control my emotions. I have particular issues with crying – to me it is an involuntary emotional reaction and part of me dealing with an issue, but I definitely do it too much and am easily set off. It affects all kinds of things in our relationship and I feel that I need to take better control.

    1. Just me,
      I had a problem with crying too. It seems like once I got my emotions more in control, I would could put his hurtful ways or comments “in a separate box of his sin” and then I wasn’t so devastated or hurt. Two good books…The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle and Managing your Emotions (I think is the name) by Joyce Meyer Both of these really helped me along with April’s teachings.

  17. Ok…..what do you say to a wife who DOES control what she says and does but her husband is still emotionally blank? I don’t pester him and I try to do things that will make him happy but it just seems he’s taking me for granted. My husband rarely shows any emotion except anger and he blames me for that. We’ve been married for 10 years now and I don’t know anything new/different about him than when we were just married. He places his family members before me, his wife (although the family members live 2500 miles away). I feel more like a maid and cook than someone’s wife.

    1. Sad wife,

      I can relate to how you are feeling. Such a painful, lonely place to be. My husband didn’t show anger. He just completely unplugged and stopped talking with me, looking at me or touching me for long periods of time. he seemed to ignore me. I had no idea why.

      Now I understand that I was approaching Greg very disrespectfully and that I was expecting him to be just like me. But he is very different from me.

      Your situation may be different.

      What was your husband’s parents’ marriage like?

      What were things like when you were dating?

      Is he super stressed at work?

      What is your relationship with Christ?

      What is his relationship with Christ?

      What does he say he wants and needs?

      Much love to you!!!!!!

      1. We are both Christians. Both of our parents are still married. My husband is a marine and I think he has a John Wayne complex. I do not believe I disrespect my husband as he would definitely point that out to me. He is a classic emotionally repressive personality but he thinks he communicates just fine! I really do try and watch what I say and how I present myself to the point I no longer feel like myself or that I’m walking on egg shells! I have seen a Christian counselor in my area but it didn’t seem to help. My husband is fine with this and he actually suggested it. He does not think there’s anything wrong with him and that all the issues are mine so he doesn’t have to seek counseling. He has said if I do exactly what he says everything will be fine but I’m not a robot or slave and do have my own mind and thoughts although I have tried to do what he says but he’s the same. He was not a very affectionate person while we were dating either so I don’t expect him to change but perhaps make compromises. He thinks he’s the best husband ever and that I should be happy he’s not out there partying or cheating on me. I am not asking for much…I only want communication and him to want to do things like going for a walk with me! Thank you for responding!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: