Skip to main content
throw ball

“We Thought We Might Need to Get D*v*rc*d”

260864_3541-2

Administrative Note:

I am on an email vacation right now – finishing up my book. Please pray for God to give me His Words and His wisdom! It has got to be ALL Him, not me. Please pray for Him to direct Greg and me as we make a lot of decisions we have never made before about how to publish this book.

There is a rather nasty ice storm coming to South Carolina within the next 24-48 hours. It is very possible that I may lose power for a few days. If I am not responding to comments, that is probably what has happened. I will respond as soon as I am able. 🙂

————————–

 

from a wife, thanks to her for allowing me to share her story:

Wow! This site was a God-send for me and my family! After having another outrageous argument with my husband about how he felt that I did not respect him, I was at work, crushed, having what I now see as a “damsel in distress pity party” because I was so unloved and my husband was so cold and we might as well get d*v*rc*d (it’s a bad word). And finally I decided that I would try one more thing – I googled “what does it mean to honor your husband.” That was the Holy Spirit helping me save my soul as well as my marriage!

The night before my husband was going through what has been our monthly “warfare ritual” where we had been doing okay for a few weeks then “it” finally boiled over into a heated argument. Within the last four months those rituals included me – a “Christian” woman – cursing, kicking in the tv, writing emails saying “its over,” him saying “its over,” etc. He seemed so distant, cold, irritated and unconcerned with my feeling that I was starving for love in the marriage. After being married 10 years, we were constantly slamming into a brick wall and we each felt like we loved each other but we had to get out.

I now see that everything was coming to a head because of that Crazy Cycle (Dr Emerson Eggerichs Love and Respect) without love>women react>without respect> men react > without love… That cycle began to spin like a tire on a Jaguar going 120 mph! The cycle wound our hearts up for 10 years and now it was just spinning out of control.

But thank God, we were fighting for the marriage. My husband attempted to talk some sense into me. But my self righteousness and arrogance had me on this (I hate to admit it but) truly demonic throne where I would decipher each word from his heart and turn it into either an accussation against his character, a charge of hatefulness against me or some form of neglect in meeting my needs.

In just two short hours or so after reading through this blog, our marriage has been saved! I am convinced of it. I went into his email and archived the hateful, damning email that I sent to him earlier before he read it and then I sent him a brief email apologizing and telling him how I really knew that he was an awesome husband and Christian man and I just didn’t get what his need was and now I do. I shared a link to one of the posts here for him to give me his thoughts if he wanted to.

When I saw him that day it was like a heavy boulder was lifted off of him and he was elated. We didn’t have to go through our usual 5 days of ignoring each other and whatever. We just instantly became best friends again!

Thank you, thank you, thank you! I still have so much work to do and I am on a mission to get out of all of this sin! I thank God for your site and the many marriages that this will help! We need this Good News in our world today!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

For those who are having extreme issues in their marriages: infidelity, drug/alcohol addictions, severe emotional/spiritual abuse, physical abuse, uncontrolled mental health disorders – please seek Godly, experienced, biblical counsel!!!

RELATED:

I Want a Divorce!

The Bible and Divorce

God Stops a Wife’s Divorce Plans

25 thoughts on ““We Thought We Might Need to Get D*v*rc*d”

    1. Kayla,

      I know!!!!! I have shared a few stories that have been similar lately. But – watching that lightbulb come on and watching God miraculously transform and heal people is just the most incredible thing ever. I could read stories about this stuff every day and cry happy tears of joy every time – just like the angels in heaven rejoice when one sinner repents.

      Thanks, Kayla!

  1. I wanted to reach out and hug this wife, for I know exactly how she feels, upon having The Epiphany. How humbling, and how much relief to finally understand what is necessary for a happy marriage! Breaking the destructive cycle and turning it into a positive one is such joy! Again, deep appreciation for the godly advice we are receiving here.

    1. Elizabeth,

      How I pray every word I write would honor God. Anything from my own wisdom is worthless and destructive. I pray that only God’s wisdom might be found here for His glory. Much love to you! Please pray that God will pour through me and that He alone might be exalted here.

      Much love, my precious sister! I praise God for what He is doing in your life, and in so many wives’ lives. 🙂

      1. Reading your blog makes a huge difference in my life. One week away from this blog and away from God turned into a huge disaster. I’m a very unhappy and nasty person who is so mean to my husband that I don’t know how to even apologizes. Is it best to give some space after being very disrespectful and nasty?

        1. Kara,

          I have to stay in God’s Word and prayer DAILY and constantly check my motives and attitudes. When I was first learning this stuff, I read and studied for literally hours every single day. I needed to focus that much to get where God wanted me to be, I was that far off track.

          You will probably need to apologize sincerely and briefly without explaining yourself or justifying your actions, just take full responsibility for your sin. Then spend time on your face repenting to God and begging Him to show you how to die to self and destroy the old sinful nature by God’s power and out on your new self in Christ and live in His power. Seek ways to bless your husband and to show him you are truly sincere about wanting to change. Sometimes he may need space. It depends on the man and the situation and whether you have self-control again yet or not. Please get back up and keep going towards Jesus!

          1. Thank you for your encouragement. I have not even prayed because I feel so ashamed of my behavior. It is eye opening to see how much I need to have God in my life minute by minute or I am a horrible person. Something has been holding me back from praying even though I know I need to pray for forgiveness. Right now I’m trying to give my husband emotional space and only talk about things we need to discuss. I’m going to work on blessing him in ways where it doesn’t look over done. I don’t want him to think I have bad motives. I think it’s going to take awhile for him to let his guard down and trust me. I feel like I broke his spirit last week.

          2. Kara,

            If you are able to repent sincerely and turn from your sin – God is able to forgive you! The blood of Christ is more than sufficient to cover every sin. PRAISE GOD!

            It may take months or longer for most husbands to feel safe with their wives after they have felt disrespected for a long time. It took Greg 3.5 years to feel completely safe with me. And it took me two years before I had any clue what I was doing!

            You have GOT to have your time with God and be full of His Spirit – or this is all completely impossible. I pray you will get on your face before God and repent and seek Him with all your heart!

            I’m here if you need to talk.

            Much love!
            April

  2. God is so good! 🙂 Good thing too you knew how to delete that hateful email. It would have done much irreparable damage. 🙁

    God bless you and you husband. I think you are best friends just like my husband and I are. 🙂 That is a wonderful relationship to have and now that your spiritual eyes have been made open…the best is yet to come! 🙂

    Sincerely,

    Nikka

  3. I’m just so thankful as each marriage gets saved!! The ways so many of us have learned to operate in marriage are SO DAMAGING to our husbands!! Proud of this wife!! Thank you Jesus!!!

  4. so encouraging! Thank God and April for this blog…im still trying and failing also, because I am a weak, but will pray for Gods strength to really transform in 2014! xx

  5. I feel like every word of this blog was written for me. I genuinely long to change. Yet, somehow I always revert back to the same hurtful, ugly ways of trying to force my husband to fill my “black hole of need.” We are currently separated. We both want to stay married and fix our relationship, but I manage to sabotage every positive step we take. We are in DESPERATE need of prayer!

    1. Mommy of 1,

      It is so great to meet you! There is so much hope in Christ. :). I will be glad to pray for you right now, for God’s greatest glory in your life, your husband’s life and your marriage and for Him to reveal anything in you that needs to go and that you might submit fully to Him as Lord, filled with His power and His Spirit that you might greatly bless your husband and family.

      What was your childhood like? And your parents’ marriage?
      What was your husband’s marriage like?

      Any history of abuse, mental health issues, infidelity or addictions for either of you?

      What are your deepest fears?

      What will happen if you give up control?

      What is your relationship like with Christ?

      Does your husband have a relationship with Christ?

      Much love to you!

      I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word. We can walk this road together. 🙂 you don’t have to do this alone.

      1. My husband and I both come from broken homes with unhealthy roll models for relationships. My mother chose drugs over me. My father chose women over me. He was very critical of me. He often compared my weight to that of his girlfriends’. When I was 15, he asked me why his girlfriend who was in her 30’s was thinner than me. Suffice it to say I have deeply rooted trust and abandonment issues. I made my marriage an idol and expected my husband to love me enough to erase all of my hurt. All I did in the process was hurt him.
        I have a relationship with Christ. My husband does not. I know that we are supposed to win our husbands with our actions. I get a big fat “F” in that department.
        There is no history of abuse or anything like that.
        I am afraid to trust my husband. I’m afraid he will let me down or leave me. It’s like I sabotage myself. I’m afraid I’ll end up like my parents and I’ll fail my baby daughter the way they failed me. My husband and I are currently separated. Every time I mess up, I’m convinced that was the shot at reconciliation that I’ve prayed so hard for- and I just blew it forever. I’m afraid to give this to God because- what if He doesn’t give it back?

        1. Mommyof1,

          What a heartbreaking legacy your parents all left for both of you. Ugh. :(. How I wish every child had godly examples from their parents. What a different world this would be.

          It is not too late for you. God is able to heal you, sweet sister. But, you will have to throw out everything you think you know about being a godly woman, marriage, femininity, masculinity and a lot of what you believe about God and yourself. You were “programmed wrongly.” So, you will have to dig that old stuff out until you get down to the foundation of Christ and then rebuild from scratch on His Word and power alone. It will be painful. But not as painful as it will be if you continue trying to do things your way.

          I would love to walk this road with you. 🙂 I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word.

          The real issue here is not whether you can trust your husband, it is whether you can tear out your idols of early and your husband and control and learn to actually trust and know God.

          You are going to have to come face to face with your deepest fears and decide if God is who He says He is and if you can trust Him and His Word or not. It will be scary to start to trust Him. It will feel like you are flinging yourself off of a spiritual cliff because you learned you were in control and sovereign when things were chaotic when you were little. You learned to try to protect yourself to be safe.

          Unfortunately, you don’t have control, you are not sovereign, and you are not God. Well, actually, it is a good thing you aren’t! 🙂

          When you are able to let go of control, which was all an illusion anyway you will begin to experience the weightlessness, the joy, the peace and abundant life of Christ.

          You may want to search my home page for
          Idol, idolatry, control, lordship of Christ, security, insecurity, worry, anxiety, biggest problem with our marriages and spiritual lives.

          Much love!
          April

          1. April,
            Thank you so much for your response! And, thank you for this blog! I can see from reading the comments that God is truly using your life to bless SO many hurting wives and families!

  6. I have been the most awful wife and I don’s deserve my husband. He loves me and I am a Christian but I don’t act like it. From the beginning of my marriage i have been a drug addict and a liar. I don’t know how to stop lying; I have given up drugs. But I don’t know how to heal my broken marriage. We both love each other and don’t want a divorce but my husband is now cold, distant, and un-trusting towards me and I don’t blame him. I want to heal my marriage but I don’t know how. I want be a godly christian wife and have been trying so hard to change, but change is hard and I have been this way for a long time. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks

    1. Becky,
      I am so glad to meet you and to hear from you!

      Praise God you are not actively using drugs right now!

      What are you lying about now?
      Why are you lying?

      What is it that you need most to be happy in life.

      What are your greatest fears?

      What does your husband ask and need of you?

      Is there sin you are cherishing in your life that is grieving God ‘a heart and keeping you from being filled with His Spirit?

      What are you doing to die to self?

      How do you crucify your sinful nature.

      How do you take every thought captive?

      How do you repent of your sins?

      What is your relationship with Christ like now?

      What time are you spending with God daily?

      What are you reading in His Word?

      How did you become a believer?

      He did you make Christ your Lord?
      Do you have a godly wife mentor?

      I am glad to walk this road with you.

      Please search my home page for “Stages of This journey” “Dying to Self” “idol” “idolatry” “insecurity” “security” “discontentment” “contentment” “lordship of Christ”

      We will talk some more,

      Sending you a huge hug my precious sister!

      1. Thank you for your quick response. I grew up in church and was saved at 12 then rededicate at 18. I met my husband in were married at 8 short months. I am Bipolar so my mental illness makes things a lot harder. I lie about everything even the littlest things. It’s almost like I can’t help it. To be happy I just want a good relationship with God and my husband. I fear being alone. All my husband asks for is honesty, loyalty, and commitment. I do still have sin that I cherish that is keeping me from having a great relationship with the Lord. I don’t die to self as I indulge in almost everything I want. So I don’t even understand crucifying sin. I definitely take every thought and hold on to it. But I am working hard on changing my thinking. I repent by asking forgiveness but I do the same sins over again. I basically do what I want when I want then ask forgiveness and pray when I NEED the Lord. But I need him all the time so I pray daily, but don’t read my bible. I don’t have any friends because of my selfish nature so I have no Godly mentor. I attend church sporadically now when there was a time I went every Sunday. I want to change everything about my self but don’t know how or where to start. Thanks again.

        Becky

  7. April and Peacefulwives,

    I really enjoyed April’s video about Regrets. This may be helpful for many wives who are in that first phase of “OMG! I have been horrible!”

    Here’s the link:

    God is SO MUCH BIGGER than our sin!

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

%d bloggers like this: