ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE:
I am going to need to take an email break for the next few days, maybe 4-5 days or so. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding! You are welcome to post comments.
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A dear wife commented on the post “I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband (in the Wrong Ways)”
FROM THE WIFE:
Hello Peacefulwife,
Wow. Your post has touched many hearts, including mine now. I’ve been searching for answers on how to be the best I can for my husband or if I’m doing the wrong things, saying the wrong things or wanting the wrong things. My way and not his way, the second he gets home from work its always about going upstairs to see his family (we moved in after he got out of the marine corps) I’m always on his tail about making me feel like I matter more than anyone to him. Because I do those things for him without asking. And he always takes it the wrong way when I say anything about it. I tell him he doesn’t make me happy when he does these things, but I feel like if I back off from him he’s going to mess everything up or hurt me again.
I don’t feel like I trust him since he broke my trust and lied to me about getting another woman’s number right after we had married. He promised me that he would never do anything to hurt me again and he even admitted to being wrong and foolish, begging for my forgiveness on his knees. But still, I have this hurt, this scar and ache inside me that just won’t let me forget what he’d done. That was almost 2 years ago.
After that happened we started fighting very badly he verbally and mentally abused me because I’d never let that go. I took the beatings to my heart and have kept them since. It got so bad that I had to leave to be with my family for a little. Shortly after he followed and did what ever he could to keep me. I know I’ve got a novel going but what my problem is, Peacefulwife, is that I feel like I’ll never forget what he did. Even with God’s help.
I am a strong believer in Christ and my parents are pastors/missionaries but I just have no trust to believe he won’t mess up again. Him. My husband. The man that is supposed to love me. The man that is not supposed to hurt my heart. Ugh. I’m confused. I’m weak. I always feel like my husband should be my happiness but I know that’s not true. I need prayer for strength to keep my mouth closed and to be still and pray to God for guidance because I feel not in control of my actions and I’m causing fights. He is a good man and I know he loves me but we are both hot headed and stubborn. I just want to know, will my heart heal?
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
It is great to hear from you! 
So 2 years ago, your husband got another woman’s phone number – and you have fought with him and won’t forgive him and can never trust him again? Is that correct?
My precious girl!!!!
I am very sorry that things have been so difficult and painful! It sounds like a very rough two years for you. I am glad that apparently things are somewhat better and it seems that your husband has tried to improve things for you to be willing to get back together with him.
When you are a believer in Christ, your trust in not ultimately in your husband. Husbands are wretched sinners just like wives. Your trust is to be 100% in Christ Jesus. You can forgive not because your husband deserves it, but because Jesus forgave YOU for your mountain of sins and because the blood of Christ is sufficient to cover any sin.
Thankfully, a husband getting a woman’s phone number and lying about it is forgivable in Christ! Quite honestly, he is probably going to sin against you a whole lot worse than that many times in this marriage. And, it looks like you have already sinned against him a whole lot worse than that, too.
PRAISE GOD we have access to the grace, mercy and forgiveness of Christ for ourselves AND for those we love when they sin against us!
If Jesus is your LORD – He commands you to forgive or God will not forgive you (Matthew 6). Unforgiveness is HUGE SIN. I held on to unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness for many years in our marriage, and I had no idea that what I was doing was – choosing to cherish bitterness instead of Christ.
Those are my choices. I can have Jesus or I can have my bitterness. I cannot have both.
Bitterness is ugly, nasty sin that starts as a little root and grows into an evil tree that overtakes my entire soul. It is idolatry of unforgiveness. It is toxic poison.
I think that you may possibly be putting your husband and his behavior in your heart as more important to you than Jesus. I did this, too. You may expect your husband to meet needs in your life that only Jesus can meet – expecting him to be responsible for your happiness. A Fellow Wife, who wrote this post, did that, too. Many, Many wives do this today – it is just “normal” now. But, this is idolatry. There is no greater sin than that. You may also have SELF as an idol, you may be trusting self more than God – I did that, too. And I also had being in control as an idol. I said I trusted Jesus, but I lived as if everything depended on me and I was ultimately responsible for making everything work out “right.” I completely missed the sovereignty of God. I lived in fear, worry, anxiety and loneliness. My pride and self-righteousness and contempt and resentment and bitterness repelled my husband away from me – and it grieved God’s heart so that God did not hear or answer my prayers.
Turns out, I am a WRETCHED sinner. I didn’t really and truly get that before 5 years ago.
If you need something to be happy and content in life – and that thing is not Jesus – there is a really good chance that you are committing idolatry.
- It is not your husband’s responsibility to make you happy.
- YOU are responsible for your own emotions and your own contentment and real contentment is only found in Christ. If you find that you are discontent and anxious – that is often a very clear sign that you are putting something or more than one thing above Christ in your heart. Idols always bring discontentment, depression, anxiety and fear.
You cannot have the fruit of God’s Spirit when you are clinging to sin and idols. It is time to lay down all of the sin and to tear out anything that has become more important to you than Jesus, and repent in tears and humbly turn back to Christ.
You can be content in Him alone. Seek Him alone. He can handle your husband. The more you try to force your husband to do things, the more you destroy your marriage. Rest in God’s love for you. Trust in Christ. He can give you the strength and power to deal with things if your husband sins. And when you are not pressuring and trying to control your husband, amazingly, he is going to be a lot less likely to sin the way you fear he will.
You have a LOT of sin in your own life to deal with right now. If your husband is like mine, he will probably be pretty forgiving, thankfully!
Get into God’s Word. Humble yourself before Him. Allow Him to remove every trace of sin. Submit yourself fully to Him as Lord and trust Him with all these things in your life.
The more your husband feels respected and honored, the more he will care about your feelings. Please don’t follow him and scold him for talking to his family first. THANK and APPRECIATE the good things he does. Tell him you are proud of him for being a loving son. Be a SAFE place for him instead of a constant source of negativity, criticisms, lectures and contempt. Smile, Praise the good in him. Beg God to change you into the wife He desires you to be and seek to please God and bless your husband. All the other selfish motives have to go.
I hope that your husband can have another chance. How awful to feel that there is never anything he can ever do that will be good enough again and that it is impossible to earn back your trust or have the relationship he wants to have with you.
Check out “Signs Your Husband May be Feeling Disrespected”at the top of my home page, and the post about disrespect, respect and biblical submission– and what is attractive/unattractive to husbands.
You have come to the right place, my friend! If you are ready to do things God’s way, I am glad to walk on this journey with you.
I’m right here if you have any questions – I will do my best to point you to Christ and His Word.
(NOTE – God is able to heal marriages even after porn addiction and adultery. I have seen Him do it countless times. It is possible that trust may have to be rebuilt. But God can give us the power to forgive, and if our spouse is truly repentant, we can move towards rebuilding trust. If there are SERIOUS issues in your marriage, please seek godly, biblical, experienced counsel!)
FROM THE WIFE:
Wow.
I can hardly find the words! I’m so ashamed.
I didn’t even think to realize how God would be feeling about the way I’ve been acting, I know He probably has been hurting because I’m not crying out to Him for this – thinking I could do this all on my own. I was so wrong. It’s so good to hear this from someone who has been through these motions to realize what I’ve been causing in my marriage! I didn’t even see the signs! Its like a slap in the face. But I’m thankful for it, and for you. You helped me wake up to see the true root to my sin. I’ve never been able to talk to anyone about these insecurities I’ve been having. Now I truly see that it is selfishness, bitterness and idolatry.
I have chosen to put God first. I’m putting my foot down in front of the flesh and asking Him for my complete undeserving forgivess. I’m going to constantly seek Him humbly and choose prayer instead of giving into my selfishness to choose my route. Thank you, Lord, for awesome loving unselfish caring people like you! I bet that you are at peace. Because you have chosen to put your strength and trust in Jesus as am I from this day on! I receive that in Jesus name! I will be checking out your links as well as God’s Word to help guide me through this that I realize now that it is the only way. And I am ready for my storm to calm finally! <3 Thank you so much for making room and time for my sin and worry. Wife to wife, God bless you.
RELATED:
Exploring the Depths of Bitterness
Bitterness is Contagious and Toxic
Finding Victory over Bitterness
Bitterness of Soul – A Wife Desires to Be Her Husband’s First Priority