From a dear sister in Christ who has given me permission to share (I have not included everything I wrote to her in this post). I appreciate her allowing me to share her story!
I have been following your blog for about 2 weeks and reading and praying and TRYING so hard…I am even attempting to”ask” my husband’s opinion about choices, however doing that is like the worst EVER!!!!! I want to give up.
I’m trying to figure out bills for the month and since he pays one baby mom $500 a month and a 2nd baby mom $300 a month, we have set zero money aside for our daughter and we live paycheck to paycheck.
- We did however just buy a brand new tv for him which we have to pay on and we did just buy a new truck for him which we have to pay on.
- I want to put $200 of my paycheck each month into my daughters college fund. He said NO. The child support he pays out is not for college.
- I want to tithe to our church $200 but NO is the answer because right now we just don’t have the money !!!!
I am beyond frustrated and I don’t even want to “follow him” anymore…anytime I ever want to save and/or pay on debts…it’s always no. He handles the bills we get months behind !!! Right now we are behind. When I handle the bills he hates it because I make more money than he does and he is much happier when I give him my paycheck but then I have ZERO say in what is going on and this is a big problem.
Am I being selfish ?
Should I keep giving him my paycheck and just try NOT to resent him for not thinking about tithes or our daughters future ?????
Agh. 🙁 I am totally venting but Its been weighing HEAVY on me.
I want to just resign from my job because WHY BOTHER working when my money “in my eyes: goes down the toilet”!!!!!
EMAIL #2 PEACEFULWIFE’S QUESTIONS ARE IN BLUE:
It is wonderful to meet you! Let’s hash through these issues together. 🙂
What does he say about being behind on bills?
He is very discouraged. He has 2 teenagers and been a single dad since I met him 3 years ago. On our second date, he showed me a picture of his young son (child #3) and after a year of battling and attorney fees he finally was able to find out that “yes” he was the father and now we get to see the little angel every other weekend. It’s just SUCH a shame because my husband is a good father. He wants to adopt my daughter, (we have her full time) but it’s too expensive…things like that twist the knife a little on my heart 🙁 My issues and the issues that the devil loves to remind me of quite often.
What do you say to him when you feel he spends irresponsibly?
What do I say…well, it’s embarrassing, but I get an attitude and snappy everytime he gives money to the older kids for gas when I think about “see he can give money to his kid’s mommas every month and give them money too but never has enough for you or your daughter”.
I am not very pleasant when approaching him on the money issues…I hate working to pay $800 + a month in child support for his children; the old kids we enjoy every other week but the little one sometimes the mom refuses to meet my husband on the days he’s supposed to pick up his little guy and well; let’s just say Men have ZERO Rights when it comes to custody 🙁 Affects me far more than it affects my husband.
Yes, he gets discouraged but he is SO faithful and trusting in God that he says, “God is in control, this is Spritual Warfare…we are NOT fighting her but Good is fighting Evil and God and Good will prevail”…yes, great but I think, “WHEN”? “She controls everything and is SOOOO UNFAIR in doing so” !!!!
He just has faith and does the right thing.
Does he work, too?
Yes, he works 2 jobs. He is a fireman and teaches classes. I love his second job because I get to help him create all his power points and tests and rubrics…that job has been a blessing for both of us 🙂
I put a note in “our bills” notebook stating that “Honey, I can’t do the bills or handle money anymore. My pride and sinful nature doesn’t mix well with money right now. For you…it comes natural to lead and provide. Thank you.”
NOW…I have to SHUT-UP and let him lead !!!! ITS SO HARD, what’s the secret ?
I had to laugh so hard – YES! It is so hard. Really, it is impossible in our own strength to do this.
The secret is to constantly abide in Christ and be filled with His Spirit. That is the only way to have the power to do this – to have Christ as Lord.
It is a long process of learning. A SLOW process many times.
Another huge key is to focus on God’s sovereignty and trust God’s sovereignty and to accept that things won’t be the way you think they should be – and that is ok! That is part of DYING TO SELF.
And, another big key is EMBRACING WAITING. You will be doing a LOT of waiting on God and your husband.
I have posts on all of these things:
I am really proud of you for turning over the finances to your husband. If he says he doesn’t want to do it on his own – you can share that you are working on not being so controlling, and that you are too tempted to be controlling and prideful when you have control over the money right now – but if he still wants you to handle things, you can do it in a way that honors his leadership and values his input.
Your approach with the money thing has been REALLY disrespectful. 🙁 And destructive.
I wish he didn’t have other baby mamas and children from other women. That would be awesome. But he does. I assume you knew this going into the marriage.
What I would love for you to focus on is to possibly think about things in an entirely different way (Philippians 4:8) and consider maybe thinking and saying things like:
- THANK YOU for being such a responsible dad to all of your children.
- Thank you for taking such good care of your children and for providing for all of them.
- I am totally on board with whatever you believe is best financially for us so that you can take care of all of your responsibilities. I will not begrudge you giving money to your other children as you see fit.
- I trust you to be responsible with money and to do the best job of providing for your other children and me and my daughter.
- Thank you for working so hard to take such good care of all of us.
- You are an amazing dad. I’m so proud of you.
- You are such an incredible fire fighter. Thank you for making our community safer and for all you do to serve our community. I know you don’t get paid nearly enough but I admire you for what you do and I am so glad you are in that position.
- I am so impressed with what a talented teacher you are. Your students are blessed to have you for their teacher.
PRAISE HIM for his strong faith in God and thank him for his godly leadership!!!!!!!!!! You have quite an amazing man there!!!!
My suggestions for whatever they are worth:
- You will need to be able to be sincere when you say these things.
- Don’t say them all at once.
- Choose one thing each day or every other day or so.
And remember that God is able to work in his heart about tithing and even saving for college. Those are not bad goals or desires – but let’s approach them with respect for God and for your husband’s God-given leadership. God can change your husband’s heart on these matters in His timing.
I never noticed until I started reading your blog (that I was approaching my husband disrespectfully about the finances)…I want to change but the voice in my head is SO DARN CONTROLLING
and loud at times. It’s like, if I don’t say something our whole world will fall apart…I have to be involved in every little detail and I’m SO obnoxiously annoying.
As foreign as this is to me…I get it, well I want to get it and live it and even fake it til I make it!!!!
THANK YOU…I have taken what you said yesterday and today to HEART and I know this is the jump-start and slap in the face I need to wake myself up.
1. I took notes on how to compliment my husband and even made little cards with your suggestions and a few of my own to slip into his wallet each week.
2. I am not going to tell my husband “Im sorry for being disrespectful and I love you and blah, blah, blah” instead I am going to take this as a sign to wake up and SHOW HIM !!!!!!
3. I am going to FAKE IT UNTIL I MAKE IT…this morning I said, “Honey, I know that you don’t get paid nearly what you deserve but I LOVE that you get up and go to work every morning and keep our community and family safe. God, has a plan for your life and I am proud that you are a fire fighter.”
I LITERALLY felt his body decompress and his breathing just relaxed…he couldn’t even say a word.
4. This is going to take TIME and knowing that God has orchastrated all of this is EVEN MORE AMAZING to me because God knew I’d need a strong husband. My husband is quite a catch, thank you for reminding me that I NEED TO CHOOSE TO LOVE and CHOOSE GOD FIRST…I SERIOUSLY cannot live life based on my feelings !!!!
Teach me, mold me, use me, and change my heart so that your Holy Spirit is the ONLY voice I hear. God, thank you for April and women that have submitted and to be honest, it takes a VERY strong woman to be a Godly Woman…this is no joke. God, you know what it takes but you also know what our husbands face everyday and God please forgive me for having that “Eve Attitude” in the garden because she “thought she knew everything” and LORD please, I know NOTHING…Nothing without You !!! God, thank you for annointing and using April to touch the lives of so many women and marriages. God, teach me, mold me, use me, and change my heart so that your Holy Spirit is the ONLY voice I find.
Thank you…know that I am reading your blog daily and taking notes and taking it DAY by DAY…one minute at a time 🙂 Like a baby, I am learning and falling but thank you for helping me up this time.
Last night, before my husband got home from work…I sat on our bed with my computer and notebooks and JUST WEPT.
I think about HOW HARD MY HUSBAND TRIES and I fight back, why, why, why ?! God touched my heart with tender thoughts…”Your husband bought T25 Workout because he knew how badly you wanted to loose extra pounds and he’s been encouraging you and eating healthy and tracking progress and meals for 3 weeks now…have you thanked him for that? He is 10 years older than you but hangs in there each day, for you.”
Just one small thing that he does for me, ohhh, and he told me that he’s been paying on my contacts so that I can get a new box soon…TEARS FLOWING…as I think, “I bet he’s not paid on his dental visit for oral surgery that he really needs but he’s putting my needs first!!!!”
TEARS FLOWING… “Daughter, open your eyes and appreciate God’s Gift to you!”
Beyond EMBARRASSED and ASHAMED…I am certainly, without God a dirty filthy RAG !!!!!!!!! (Isaiah 64:6)
Did I tell you how I found you? Funny story:
I “told my husband if we don’t do this pledge thing that I found online I was moving to Florida with my family.”
- Then, I huffed and puffed and pouted because he was watching TV and didn’t immediately come to me and hug me and love on me. I stood in front of the tv and said, “did you even read it? We have to do it or I’m leaving.”
He said, “I did read it and NO, we are NOT doing it because not one place on that entire pledge or webpage is there any reference to God…it’s worldly advice NOT Godly.”
- I literally pouted and cried ALL night because I didn’t get me own way then Satan had a picnic in my mind CONVINCING me that my husband doesn’t love me because he’s not doing what I want.
The next day I calmed myself down because my husband wasn’t paying my “tantrum for threats” any mind…it did however cause him to put his walls up and be scared so-to-speak but I sat down and googled “HOW DO I GET MY HUSBANDS ATTENTION” HAHAHA…guess what popped up???
Your husband is SUCH A GODLY LEADER!!!!!
I am EXTREMELY proud of him for standing up to you about the pledge you wanted him to do online.
WOW! WOW! WOW!
What he did was exactly what a godly husband SHOULD do. He had very good reasons for not wanting to do it – with it being worldly advice. PRAISE GOD he wouldn’t submit to you and do what you wanted. PRAISE GOD he has a backbone and stands up for his convictions even as he loves you.
You have the kind of godly leader so many Christian wives say they want. His determination to do what he believes is right is AWESOME! He wouldn’t back down. Even when you pitched a fit. That is a strong, godly leader right there. Please don’t threaten to leave anymore. Show him you are on his team!
Now – you just have to be willing to listen and follow and trust that God is totally able to lead you through this man. No, he is not perfect. But that is ok! If he is not asking you to clearly sin – you can trust God to lead you through your husband. HE IS LISTENING to God.
Since your husband is so close to God already AND is already leading in such an amazing way – it is mostly you who will determine the pace.
I am so excited about what God is doing!
Please pray with me for this precious sister of ours. God is doing AMAZING things in her heart.
I write for wives who have been controlling, take charge, type A personalities – especially those with passive husbands. This particular husband in this post is NOT passive – PRAISE GOD! He was still trying to lead his wife in spite of her opposition. That is wonderful. If a husband is already leading in a godly way like this, the journey to peace and unity may not take as long as it would for a husband who has become very unplugged and passive.
There are times when a wife probably should apologize for her disrespect to her husband. Some wives do and some wives don’t but just begin to ask God to change them. If you do decide to repent to your husband for disrespect and control, my suggestions are to keep it pretty brief, don’t justify/explain why you were disrespectful or controlling (if you need an example, I will put one in the comments)