From a precious wife (whose husband is addicted to porn – this is a VERY, VERY common situation, by the way. MANY wives are in this exact same situation.) – thank you for allowing me to share! I know this will bless many other wives, too!
I’ve spent the last few days in prayer and God’s Word.
- I’ve been wrestling with the realization that what my husband does is out of my control, and between him and God.
Yesterday was tough. I had a big battle with myself about worry and jealousy. He has told me he isn’t having an affair at this point in time and isn’t even interested in any one else right now, but his discontent with our marriage and off hand comments, have instilled a deep jealousy in me for the first time ever. I wanted to check his emails, but I don’t have the password to his account.
I prayed hard last night asking God to take my fears because I can’t do anything about them, and realized it didn’t matter if there were any suspicious emails or not. Even if he was lying to me about not having any female interests, his sin is not my responsibility.
It’s my responsibility to God that I need to worry about, and that means becoming a godly, respectful wife. I need to trust in my husband’s honesty as I always have because he hasn’t broken that trust yet, and trust him to God’s care. After putting on a worship CD and singing along, my fears ceased.
I gave up the idols that are my husband and “feeling loved by him” with many tears, and a few more tears today. But I feel so much lighter!
- My husband is weirded out by the changes to my behavior.
He’s noticed my quiet demeanour the last couple days, and has commented on it, “Why are you so quiet?” And even cuddled with me on Sunday night. I think he is attracted to my stillness!
Last night after my battle with myself I read on Facebook that he had a hard day, and he was going to be at work till late.
I saw an opportunity to be a blessing and took it.
So I made him supper for when he got home and a plate of his favourite cookies. I didn’t see him again until this evening once I had finished work, and he actually asked me if I was doing the love dare. Which is funny because I had actually thought about doing that until I realized my sin was the problem, not my love.
He asked why I was doing what I was doing, I told him that I love him and enjoy showing him. I didn’t mention God at this point because I’ve already explained the changes I’m making are for me and God, and don’t want to push the issue on him.
He told me to stop, but was smiling when he said it…so stopping isn’t happening. He also told me I would just end up disappointed, so I asked again if he had been unfaithful, and he said no. Besides I’m obeying God in showing my husband respect and can’t stop now!
I’ve come up with a plan of action. Goals I am going to focus on for the next little while:
– spend copious amounts of time with God in prayer and his Word
– keep learning what it means to be a respectful wife
– learn about Godly femininity and what it means to have a gentle, peaceful spirit
– smile a lot! Be warm and friendly, but be sure to give my hubby space. When he’s on the computer don’t interrupt unless I really need something. Let him decide to initiate conversation, let him decide if he wants to spend time with me. (from Peacefulwife – this wife had been smothering her husband and needy – so she is giving him more space in a respectful way.)
– if I’m lonely, tell him, ask for cuddles or a few minutes, but be accepting of no as an answer.
– if he does initiate conversation, drop what I’m doing and pay attention
– be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger
– do not say negative things, argue or complain.
– watch the body language! No eye rolling or exasperated sighs.
– if he does anything for me thank him!
– if he says he is going to do something, be patient and let him do it
– start saying things to build him up, affirm and encourage. Give him compliments. (from Peacefulwife – GENUINE and SINCERE compliments and praise!)
– do things he asks of me with a smile and a yes. Do them with a cheerful attitude
– watch for ways I can be a blessing to him, then do it!
– if I need to go cry, about my sin, or because I’m hurt, leave the room. Pray. Motive check.
There is so much more that I need to be doing. I also need to start expressing my wants, feelings and desires to in the brief way you talk about, I just don’t think I’m ready to break the quiet yet in case I say something disrespectful that makes things worse. But this is a start.
I know what you are saying about husbands lashing out in anger when convicted of sin. This has happened in the past. Usually I just get defensive and make things worse, or reciprocate his attitude so he “knows how I feel.” I will need to be really patient and understanding to make sure I don’t repay insult for insult, cause that is a terrible way for me to handle conflict! And certainly not respectful!
For a post I wrote about wives dealing with husbands’ pornography -check out the comments. 🙂