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Handling a VERY Delicate and Sensitive Matter with Respect – a Husband’s Impotence


There are a variety of factors that can contribute to sexual dysfunction or performance issues in men.

  • Sometimes there can be side effects from medications (blood pressure pills, anti-depressants, prostate treatments – it is not safe to stop some of these medicines quickly, please check with a Dr before stopping blood pressure rxs or anti-depressants!).  Some illegal drugs can also cause sexual dysfunction.
  • Sometimes there just are times when things don’t work properly on occasion – that is not too unusual.  If a man is really upset, afraid, anxious, angry, feeling extremely guilty, feeling very disrespected by his wife or feeling pressured – his thoughts can affect his ability to perform sexually.
  • Sometimes erectile dysfunction (ED) can be a sign of another disease like diabetes, heart problems, Parkinson’s or neurological disorders.
  • There are risk factors like obesity, smoking, drinking alcohol and stress that can negatively impact a man’s sexual abilities.
  • Prostate problems or low testosterone levels can trigger impotence issues.
  • Depression can worsen ED.
  • A pornography addiction can dramatically impact a man’s sexual performance with his flesh and blood wife.

If a man has problems getting or maintaining an erection – as a pharmacist, I would strongly urge him to see his doctor.  I know it is the last thing any man on the planet wants to see a doctor about.  So – it is SUPER CRITICAL that wives not nag or shame or lecture their husbands about this.  It is going to take extreme sensitivity on a wife’s part to handle this kind of thing respectfully.

It is important to rule out medical problems that may be causing these symptoms.  And there are ways to treat ED today – what wonderful news!  A couple’s sex life does not have to end.  Men can get real help and usually can enjoy very satisfying sexual relations again with their wives.  I have seen many couples find the right treatment and have great results.


  • medications (albeit – very expensive ones) – Cialis, Viagra, Levitra as well as penile injections and suppositories
  • life style changes (stop smoking, avoid alcohol, get exercise, get enough sleep, limit stress)
  • a Mediterranean diet may be helpful.
  • devices – vacuum erection devices
  • surgery
  • there are MANY supplements that claim to work on erectile dysfunction – but some of these actually contain dangerous ingredients and contaminants – so I do not personally recommend them as a pharmacist.  But you can talk to your own pharmacist or medical doctor about them if you would like to.

The most important thing in this article to me is –

How are we as wives going to handle this very difficult situation for our husbands?

I don’t think it is possible to overstate how sensitive this issue is for most men.

Erectile dysfunction can be extremely emotionally painful for our men.  Sexual performance problems are probably some of the MOST greatly feared issues among men.  This is the very center of their sense of physical manhood.  I want us to show the same sensitivity, compassion, empathy and understanding as we would want from our husbands if we had to face a mastectomy or hysterectomy or even possibly a miscarriage.

Yes – it is THAT big of a deal for many husbands.

Most of us will need to be prepared to deal with this issue at some point.  If we haven’t yet – we probably will in the future.


There is probably no other area where a wife has the potential to wound her husband more deeply by her disrespect or cutting words than about his sexuality or any “failures” on his part sexually.

Some wives choose to heap all sorts of complaints, insults and accusations against their husbands if they find out their husband has issues with ED.  Please understand – if you say and do these kinds of things to your man when the real problem is erectile dysfunction – you are wounding him to the very core of his masculinity and manhood.  He may never recover from your criticism, insults and teasing about this issue.  He may never feel safe to open up to you sexually or emotionally or spiritually again if you are disrespectful or insensitive to him about this.

  • What’s wrong with you?  You don’t love me anymore?
  • You must be having an affair!  THAT’s why you don’t want to/can’t make love to me.
  • If you really loved me, you’d have sex with me!
  • What kind of man are you if you can’t even keep an erection?
  • Great!  So – what –  you aren’t going to be able to have sex with me anymore?  That’s just GREAT.
  • You need to go get Viagra.  You’re going to the doctor tomorrow.  I’m not putting up with THIS!  I have needs.
  • I need to get my needs met.  If you can’t meet my needs, I’ll find a man who can.
  • You’re pathetic.  Why would I want to even try to have sex with you like this?

These kind of words will absolutely crush and destroy our men.   It is our job to do our husbands GOOD not evil, all the days of our lives as godly wives.

I’d REALLY like for us as wives not to take our husband’s impotence personally – or assume that our husbands are intentionally doing this to us.  Many times, the causes are beyond a man’s control.  

How I long for us to give grace, to be a safe place for our men to talk about what is happening.

I don’t believe it is wise to:

  • give directives – “you should” “you must” “you better”
  • threaten – “if you don’t fix this, I’m going to find a man who can meet my needs.”  THAT is NOT the love of God!  Let’s commit to honor our marriage covenants no matter what happens!
  • insult our men and degrade them or make fun of them for this issue that they may have no control over
  • demand that our husband see a doctor
  • nag him about this or any issue
  • tease and make fun of him
  • tell other people – our friends, our family, people on facebook…  That would be one of the most extreme kinds of disrespect a wife could possibly level against her husband.


I’d love to see a wife:

  • appreciate the severity and extreme sensitivity of this issue for a man.
  • be extremely careful about what she does and does not say, her facial expressions, her body language and her tone of voice about this subject.
  • be supportive, positive, optimistic and encouraging.
  • appreciate any efforts he makes to work on this issue.
  • extend mercy, compassion and GRACE.
  • not make a big deal out of the situation.
  • tell him she is on his team.  She loves him no matter what.
  • assure him that he is not “less of a man” in her eyes – and that these kinds of problems are actually pretty normal.
  • encourage him very gently that there is help available.
  • let him know calmly, “My biggest concern is your health, Honey.  I’d really like us to be sure that you are ok. I want you to go see your doctor, please. I’d like you to be around for a LONG time!”
  • say sincere, reassuring, affirming things about her husband’s manhood.
  • be sure her husband’s needs are being met and that he feels secure in the marriage.
  • make sure he knows she is with him and on his team no matter what.
  • focus on pleasure more than climax – if he is willing.
  • make sure he knows she is delighted and content to be his wife.
  • let him know, “I’m totally behind you.  I’ll do everything I can to support you as we learn about things we might be able to do.”
  • not try to force him to go to the doctor.  But be willing to go with him or be willing to support him going by himself if he is willing to go.
  • NOT share with others in our families or spheres of influence about our husband’s problems.
  • be willing to listen to anything he wants to share about his struggle – and be a safe place for him to verbalize his frustrations, sadness, anger or fear.

You may have some mourning or grieving to do – but this is thankfully, not usually an irreversible situation.  A husband’s impotence can be a strain on a wife and a marriage – just as much as it is on a husband.  Please check out godly resources that are available to support you in this time.


Please don’t give in to porn or the attention of other men.  Stay CLOSE to God and filled up with His Spirit so that you can respond in His power and not give in to temptation but be faithful to your marriage covenant, your husband and Christ.


A link to webmd’s posts about erectile dysfunction (ED)

Webmd – A Woman’s Guide to ED

Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord

Desiring Jesus More than Sex


If you who would like to share with others ways you have discovered that are beneficial to address this delicate issue, please leave a comment.  You don’t have to leave your name. All comments will be moderated before they will be posted.  I will only be posting comments that are respectful, godly and helpful for other wives who are facing this situation in their marriage or to help prepare them for how to handle a husband’s difficulties with ED in the future.

65 thoughts on “Handling a VERY Delicate and Sensitive Matter with Respect – a Husband’s Impotence

  1. My husband has been dealing with this issue; I recently discovered he has actually had this problem for most of his life. It is difficult for both of us, for me because I have a very high sex drive and we don’t often try to make love…when we do, only half the time are we able to go all the way. It is hard for me to see him in so much pain from this, because no matter how much I reassure him (and I have never EVER been negative about his problem) he still feels like a failure and less of a man. It breaks my heart to know that no matter what I do, he feels that way…and that no matter how much this hurts my heart, it hurts his one thousand times more. I have very gently urged him to go to the doctor, but he is one who hardly goes to the doctor anyway. He spent 3 days with appendicitis before he couldn’t stand the pain anymore and went the ER. Anyway…I know his problems are not from me. I know he had them before we got married, and I am sure they stem from when he was molested as a child…another issue he has never worked through. He is adamant in thinking therapy won’t help, nor medication. Meanwhile, I’ve had poor self image my whole life so when it happens my mind goes straight to “You’re not even pretty enough to please your husband!” Needless to say it is one big depressing spiral for us with this issue. I pray about it, we’ve talked about it, but things don’t seem to get better. We also have been dealing with infertility (both us have low fertility) for 2 years, I know that creates even more pressure on him because he feels that it is his fault that we haven’t started a family yet. I believe that I follow all of your productive suggestions…it is in the Lord’s hands now. I ask for your prayers for healing, both physically and spiritually, for us both.

    1. Anon,

      There is a LOT going on with both of you! Goodness, the issues he had from being molested alone would be MASSIVE. How I wish NO CHILD was EVER EVER EVER molested! The damage done to a child when that happens is incalculable.

      There IS hope and healing available through Christ for him – and for you. 🙂

      It is entirely possible for a wife to handle all of these issues perfectly and a husband to still feel extremely discouraged, depressed and emasculated by the whole thing. 🙁 Breaks my heart!

      How I pray that you can understand this is not about you or some failure on your part at all, my precious sister!

      I lift up this couple to You and ask for Your intervention, Your resources, Your courage to face this problem head on as a team, Your power, Your healing and Your greatest glory in this marriage! Thank You that You are the Great Physician and that this problem is not too difficult for you to heal. I pray for every lie and stronghold of the enemy to be torn down. I pray for freedom in Christ and for this precious husband and wife. Thank You that You can bring beauty from ashes, joy from mourning and that You are able to restore the years the locusts have eaten.

      In the Name and power of Christ,

  2. Ack. This sucks. Especially the part about trying to be sensitive and patient. I’ll try. Promise I’ll try.

    But with less than 3 months to try for a baby before new medications rob his fertility, patience ain’t gonna be easy *sigh*

    1. Considerer,

      You have a particularly difficult situation – to be SURE. It would be EXTREMELY easy for a wife in your position to put making a baby on the top of the priority lists and to try to force things. In fact, if I were in your position before 5 years ago – I know that is what I would do. It would be so easy for me to decide that having a baby is more important than anything else and I would try to make that happen no matter what the cost in those 3 months.

      But – the cost could be great.

      I am praying that some husbands might be willing to address this issue and help us see things from the masculine perspective and that they might give us some suggestions.

      But most of all, I will lift you, your husband, his medical situation and future babies to God’s throne where He reigns in sovereignty. It is my prayer that these next 3 months might lead you to much greater intimacy with Christ, much greater intimacy with your husband and God’s greatest glory!

      Sending you a HUGE hug!

  3. I like what you say but would carry it further. My wife’s cruel insults about my sexual performance is likely the primary cause of my erectile dysfunction and makes the matter worse all the time.

    My wife denied me sex in our first six or so months of marriage. Then when she finally agreed to have sex, I was nervous about performing for her. She insulted my performance, negatively comparing me against her former lover.

    Of course, the issue got worse over time, especially when she would withhold sex from me for weeks at a time because she was angry at me. When we resumed, that just made me more nervous. The performance got worse, her filthy mean crude insults got worse and performance anxiety got worse. It was a vicious circle that kept spiraling out of control.

    She complains that my male body fluid stinks so she doesn’t give me oral sex, which I am used to as foreplay, so it makes it hard to achieve a good sustained erection. I love to caress her soft skin, but she is not affectionate at all. We have never really kissed like husbands and wives do because she says I have a horrible mouth odor. I have a virtually continuous sinus infection, but I have had that for a long time and no woman complained about it while kissing me before. Her obsession with odor probably stems from OCD, which she refuses to get treated for.

    Now, I have to take an unsafe level of Viagra or Cialis to achieve an erection. My wife is younger and incredibly sexy, but I still have trouble get aroused in sexual situations.

    She also cruelly and meanly insults my physique, my mental and physical health, my relationships with my sons, my past female relationships, my photography (my favorite hobby), my driving. She says there is nothing good to say about me and she rarely complements me – once every month or two or three.

    Your prayers are greatly appreciated.

  4. We married almost 3 years ago. We have been unable to engage in intercourse for almost the entire time. He has ED. He has been to a physician and endocrinologist. He has low Testosterone. We have tried everything from Viagra to androderm. Nothing works. He has been in counseling for almost a year. We were in couples counseling but he says he needs to work through things an an individual before we can be successful in couples therapy. In the meantime there is absolutely no touch or physical intimacy in our marriage, Nothing, I do not feel that we have bonded sexually. I feel like I am living with a friend or brother. Our lives are awkward and I feel that I am trapped. I have been extremely supportive. I have not been negative in any way, but I need touch and intimacy. I am confused as to why God would give me this broken man as a husband, he cannot be a husband either emotionally or physically. He is incapable of communicating with me on this topic while he is extremely articulate in every other area. I believe his problem is psychological not physical. He’s the analytical type whose always thinking about stuff. I am lost and stuck. I do not want to have this marriage annulled, but I cannot continue in this awkward situation.

    1. I am in same situation. My deep religious beliefs keep me from having an affair.

      I would have left years ago but was not able to. I am very frustrated. I moved upstairs to another room. If I could leave I would.

      My husband will not see a doctor. I have never been critical, never put him down.

      I miss the intimacy. I should have left after we married when other problems came up. I was stupid, hoping things would change. It never changes with men. I don’t love him anymore. I care for him, but the love is gone. And I am stuck.

      1. Anon 2,

        Goodness. This has been going on for years? And he is unwilling to see a doctor? That breaks my heart! Is he willing to go to counseling?

        How is your walk with Christ going, my dear sister? Would you like to talk about things a bit more?

        I would be glad to walk beside you on this road. 🙂

  5. Thanx for this Godly advice. In many cases husbands dont want to admit ED problems a friend of mine stayed childless for over 25 year and being supportive the parents.of gave.her real hell untill she left went bsck to her parents married another woman who has made it.known publicly and is blaming my friend for bewitching them what can she do in

    1. Agnes,
      What can your friend, the first wife, do about what the second wife has done? I don’t know much about the situation at all. If the second wife is making this public and the husband is blaming his first wife for what the second wife is doing, she can say the truth to her ex husband, that she didn’t share this information, but he may not listen.

      There are times when it is wise to speak up and there are times when it is wise not to get involved at all in drama like this. I think she will need to do a lot of praying and seeking God’s wisdom to know what is best. She may not need to say anything.

      I pray for God’s wisdom for your friend!

  6. I think it is so easy to criticise a husband for not be able to give his wife sexual gratification. I have done this and it does not help as he gradually withdraws into himself and becomes lost to you. I am trying so hard to understand his impotence which I has been present for most of his life.

    He has been in denial and has blamed so many things on his condition even me, I feel frustrated and sometimes think of having an affair but as a Christian God has been faithful and so have not, but I do think about having an affair.

    To be quite honest my husband has tried many of the Viagra and other drugs but they have no effect on him.

    I sometimes think it is a spiritual problem and maybe a way God is punishing him. I am tempted to leave the relationship, but he has such other good qualities. I need prayers and Gods grace

  7. We’re potentially facing this exact issue and, honestly, I’m scared. We’ve only been married for a year and a half. I’ve been crying on and off for the last two days because it’s just come out of nowhere and my husband is young (34 years old). I am praying and I’m sure he’s praying, too, but I feel shaken by the “what ifs”. I want to put all of these ideas into practice but right now I can’t get beyond the fear.

    I read somewhere that for couples that date and are trying to date God’s way (no intimacy before marriage), Satan does everything he can to get them into bed and once they’re married, he does everything to keep them out of bed.

    Thinking of this as being a spiritual attack brings it down to a level I understand but I feel completely helpless.

    1. Scared,

      My precious girl! I’m so sorry that y’all are already having some issues. If it happens once, that doesn’t mean it will happen every time. There are medications that can cause this, and sometimes just stress or being really tired could cause it, too. If he is overweight, on blood pressure medications, or diabetic – his doctor can probably help him.

      I pray that you won’t allow yourself to be paralyzed by fear – but that you might rest in God’s love, provision, and sovereignty and be unshakable in your faith in God and your love and honor for your husband – ready to tackle this challenge as a team. Your husband probably needs your support, admiration, appreciation, strength, gentleness, and strong faith in Christ now more than ever. I know God can empower you to be the wife He desires you to be and that your husband needs.

      Praying for wisdom for you both. There are many things that can be done medically. And, of course, our God is the Great Physician and we can appeal to Him!

      I’m here if you want to talk about this more, my precious sister!

      Sending you the biggest hug!

      Posts that may be helpful:

      Fear Fuels Our Need to Control
      Facing Our Deepest Fears
      Finding God’s Victory over Fear

      GodlyWifetoBe – Facing Her Fears

      God Leads a Wife from MAJOR Fear to Strong Faith

      Also, James 1 would be great to read right now – and you can pray that God might help you face this trial with His joy, knowing He is about to deepen your faith and help you both grow spiritually in new ways.

      Much love!!!


  8. Thanks so much for your encouraging post. My husband and I have been married 35 years and he only recently developed an issue. It is scary for me as his wife because I am not ready to give up that part of our marriage. We are still relatively young (late fifties) and have always been healthy. I hope it is not a problem with his health because he has also been struggling with low energy levels. It encouraged me to read other women’s stories even though it breaks my heart that so many are struggling even worse than we are.

    1. Valerie,

      I can understand that this would be scary and sad for any wife. I wish I could give you a hug, my dear sister! Has he had a physical recently? I wonder if he might be willing to see his MD? 🙂 Might be something to prayerfully consider whether God may desire you to gently, briefly, respectfully mention that to him?

  9. Hello,

    Would you please pray for me? My husband and I have been married 6 months. He seemed to lose sexual interest in me right away. I unwittingly said some things on your “don’t” list that must have hurt him. It wasn’t until last night that it became clear that ED is present. We are dear, affectionate friends. But I feel overwhelmed by circumstances now. I had to move to his country, and this transition is difficult. We have had some unhealthy conflict and have not yet found Christian counseling. I am 44, so fertility/pregnancy puts undue pressure on us to conceive. A spiritual attack has come upon us in the form of nightmares. Not only was I “paralyzed”by an evil presence in our bedroom, but he also woke up screaming. I know there is hope. I am going through “The Power of a Praying Wife.” We have found a lovely couples Bible study and are also going to “A Weekend to Remember.” Thank you for this article. I appreciate your prayer. Sincerely, Jen

    1. Jen,

      Of course I will pray for you! I am so sorry to hear about what a difficult time you are having. That is very painful!!!!!

      If you would like to talk a bit more, you are welcome to share here or privately on my Peacefulwife Blog FB page in a private message.

      How is your walk with Christ going, my dear sister?

      Praying for God’s power, healing, and wisdom for you both – and for His greatest glory in Your marriage! Also for His power to overcome the evil one and the enemy’s attacks.

      1. Hello peacefulwife,

        Thank you for your quick response. I appreciate your prayer very much. It is a painful time; somehow hearing that was reassuring. When you are new in town, it is just too easy to put on a happy mask to please all the new people (and then feel crazy for not feeling that way).

        To answer your question, I have been a Christian for over ten years. I come from a healthy, loving church who are family to each other. Together we have diligently studied God’s Word in various small groups. I learned right away to seek Him daily in “quiet time”-prayer and Scripture. I’ve served in many “ministry capacities,” but all this only describes how my faith-life looks on the outside. My relationship with Jesus is that He is holding me, like a parent holds a child. It is more like being carried than walking. So, to be frank, my answer to your question is I don’t quite know about my walk, but I know that He is carrying me and He is kind!

        Thank you again for responding as you did, and for your prayer. God bless you in your work for Him.


        1. Jen,

          Thank you – that helps me understand a bit better where you are spiritually. 🙂

          What are your greatest fears, my dear sister?

          What do you believe you need to be happy?

          Are you pressuring your husband about trying to have a baby?

          How do you respond to him when you are feeling ignored or unloved?

          What treasures do you believe God may have for you in this trial?

          If you get a chance, please check out this post “Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected.”

          I’m happy to hash through these issues if you would like. I am praying for Gods’ Spirit to lead you and to transform you to be more and more like Christ. I pray for His healing for you, your husband, and your marriage – and for God’s greatest glory!

  10. My husband has had depression and ED for 10 years. He blames me even though our counselor has gently corrected him more than once on this issue. I’ve honestly never put him down or complained about it, but he says if I were a better wife he could get an erection. Blaming the woman is as old as the garden, but ED is a physical issue, and people need to know that.

    His misdirected anger has led him to tell friends and family that I withhold sex from him, which is baffling, because I’m the one who approaches him and is turned away. When confronted by my own mother for withholding from my husband, I told her the truth. I feel bad for spilling his secret, but I never would have if he wasn’t slandering me over this.

    He complains about our lack of a sex life, but when I offer to put his ED medication to good use, he turns me down and attacks me emotionally. What am I supposed to do with that? He’s been emotionally unfaithful and lied to me, upended our lives with tantrums and verbal abuse, and made my marriage a living hell. I’m faithful to him because I love the Lord, but he’s not making it easy.

    1. Kendra,
      Goodness, what a painful situation! My heart just breaks for you – and also for your husband, I would imagine he is in a lot of spiritual/emotional pain.

      I think it can be easier for a husband to blame his wife rather than have to face that he has ED. That is a pretty emasculating thing for a man to have to admit. I don’t really understand what is happening. What does your counselor suggest for you to do?

      Are the sins you are talking about still going on?

      How is your walk with Christ, my dear sister?

      Are you safe?

      How do you respond when he does these things?

      Much love to you and prayers to God for healing for both of you and for your marriage!

  11. Thank you for your kind words and for providing an anonymous place where Christian women can talk about this issue.

    Sometimes I don’t understand what is happening either. 😉 After years of a normal marriage my husband had a breakdown that led to this ongoing depression. He became obese and ED followed. Frustration from those things led to his tantrums and emotional affair. My husband repented of the latter, and our Christian counselor and pastor have both advised me to set loving but firm boundaries in terms of my husband’s treatment of me. I feel safe now, though there were times when I didn’t, and had to seek help.

    My husband is otherwise an amiable and likable person. People didn’t question him when he first started to blame me, much to my embarrassment.

    As for my relationship with Jesus, at first I didn’t understand why God would allow this sort of mental/emotional/spiritual illness to upend our marriage. I was angry for a time before I realized that my bitterness was more difficult to live with than my tumultuous husband. I needed Jesus, and I repented.

    I try to respond to my husband’s tantrums by reminding him that I love him and I’m on his side. I pray with him if I can and ask him to leave the house and cool off if his temper gets out of control. He knows I’m willing to call the police and our pastor if he doesn’t pull himself together.

    As for the ED, I wrote the other night after a period of calm that ended when I asked if he wanted to have sex. He complains that we don’t, but rejects my offers. It’s very confusing, but I think you’re right that embarrassment is at the core.

    I’m fit, well groomed, etc, but lately I have found myself wondering if other men still find me attractive, since my husband can’t or doesn’t. I know that’s a dangerous, devastating path and I won’t go down it, but I do miss being wanted.

    Thanks for your ear. 🙂

    1. Kendra,

      Oh goodness, I am so sorry that things got so bad. 🙁 You are sure that you are safe now? When is the last time that you were not?

      How amazing that God helped you to see that bitterness is very toxic and destructive, too. I’m so glad you are not holding on to bitterness.

      If he doesn’t feel that he can perform, he may reject your offers so that you don’t have to see him fail. That would be my guess.

      That is a dangerous path, I am so thankful God is showing you the importance of not going down that road of temptation.

      Praying for you to continue to grow abundantly in Christ and for healing spiritually for you, your husband, and your marriage – as well as healing for the physical intimacy in your marriage.

      Much love to you!

      1. I am safe, thank you, and it has been awhile since I felt unsafe. I was ready to submit to my pastor’s escape plan (temporary separation) if my husband didn’t repent, and I think God used that boundary to stop him from continuing down the new, abusive path he was headed. I am still willing to take that step in the future if he becomes aggressive again, but God has made things much better than they were.

        I hope someday I can say the same thing of our sexual relationship, but honestly, recounting this to you has reminded me that a peaceful life is ultimately more important, and lasting, than sexual satisfaction. There was a time I didn’t even think about sex because I was so desperate for peace. But my husband has come back from the brink and overcome what was non negotiable, so if he can’t overcome the embarrassment of ED, I can love him anyway. There are little old couples who stay together long after sex ends, right?

        In the end, if this is as good as it gets, it’s still better than what was and what could be, so I’m thankful. 😉

        1. Kendra,

          I love your heart to want to see God’s healing in your marriage! And your love for God. How I pray for God’s wisdom and healing for you, your husband, and your marriage. 🙂

  12. So u think that it is totally a wifes resposibility to cop with him.ed is sometime result of his faukts in past.his way of life.masturbation.and anel sex with men.then why it is woman who has to gave heap of responsibilty over her nerves.rather she herswlf us suffering due to his husband was that kind ov got married to a girl younger than him.about 15 years.if he has done with his life why ge destroyed mine.he cant do mouth like thing.i dnt know the enjoyment of oral sex.wht I have to do wuth him.

    1. nosheen,

      It is wonderful to meet you! 🙂 I only write for wives and I only talk about what we can control – which is ourselves. There are tons of things husbands are responsible for in their own lives. A man who developed a compulsive masturbation/porn addiction is responsible and accountable to God for that and to his wife for that. He can and should seek help. is a very helpful Christian-based resource for those addicted to porn or masturbation and there are resources for spouses of porn/masturbation addicts, as well.

      Your husband had anal sex with men in the past? Or is he still involved in sex with other people?

      If he refuses to have sex with you at all – or he is unable to have sex due to ED, perhaps you can gently, respectfully talk about the possibility of looking for a doctor and Christian counselor to help bring healing to the marriage.

      How is your walk with Christ going? 🙂

      Much love to you! I’m so very sorry for the painful trial you are experiencing. 🙁

  13. My husband and I have been married three and a half years. We’ve never had penile/vaginal sex because while we were dating we wanted to honor our Christian faith and abstain. What I didn’t know was that my husband is completely impotent from diabetes and kidney disease. We touch each other, have had some oral interaction (about two years ago) and we hug a lot. But we don’t kiss erotically or have any kind of intimacy now.

    I am planning to donate my kidney to my husband so he can live. But as a wife I’m very angry and hurt that he visits Webcam pages, pornography and flirts on Facebook with women. I don’t understand why he prefers fantasy to a real flesh and blood woman who loves him. I feel deceived that he played on my Christian faith to avoid sex before marriage when he knew he had health issues that prevent him from fulfilling his spousal duties.

    He’s a Christian, I’m an ordained minister. We’re both good looking people and I get indecent proposals all the time. I have honored my marriage vows, I’ve prayed and fasted and sought counselling. After so long not having sex, I honestly don’t know if I’m attracted to him anymore. And I am pissed that he has energy for Webcam interactions but sleeps all the time around me!! He’s my only husband but he has several ex wives who left him or cheated on him because of his illness. Why does he seek outside stimulation instead of focusing on our own marriage bed?

    Thanks for listening.


    1. Annie,

      Oh what a painful situation. 🙁 My heart breaks for you, my dear sister! (I removed your last name for your privacy and your husband’s privacy.)

      Does your husband understand that porn is sin in God’s eyes? Is he repentant? How severe is the addiction, do you think? When did his addiction begin? Has he repented of his deception? I assume he knew that he was impotent before you married? Has he been able to ask the doctor about getting any help medically?

      How do you attempt to confront his sin?

      What was his response?

      Have y’all been to godly counseling together?

      How do you treat him when you are feeling so resentful?

      What would you like to see happen in your walk with Christ and in your marriage?

      I’d be glad to do my best to point you toward healing and toward Christ and resources that may help.

      Not sure if you have seen this site, but it has quite a few resources for spouses of porn addicts.

      You may also search my home page for “porn” for a number of posts, including a prayer for those addicted to porn and wounded by porn addiction that may be a blessing.

      Much love to you!!!!! I’m so glad you are reaching out for help!

    2. I am not married or in any way religious but I want to comment. Isn’t it unfair on you that your husband hid his condition from you? That’s something I would not do to a woman. At 25 I was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had to undergo bi-lateral orchiectomy (castration). Now, I do take hormone replacements and can perform sexually, but I am afraid that one day I may not. I am hesitant to get married even though, given that I have elected not to get testicle implants, it’s quite obvious to a partner that I don’t have testicles.

  14. I believe my husbands ED (&it really only occurs about half the time) is due to his large weight gain over the past 2 years, followed by a resulting high blood pressure, atrial fib, and almost having a heart attack or stoke 6 months ago. Hospitalized for the first time in his life, he is now on about 6 or 7 different medications to control all this.

    He looked me in the eye and swore he’d now loose weight and get all this under control, but he has only managed to gain more weight! He knows he needs to loose weight for all the above reasons, and now he wonders why I don’t ever initiate sex or show him affection (according to him). I do love him. We’ve had our ups and downs, but mostly I think we’ve had a good marriage of 34+ years, with 3 grown and married children, and 7 grandchildren.

    I’m grieving the husband I feel I’ve lost. He used to be so active and athletic, always trying to get me to get more active and lose 10 pounds. Well, now, I’m the slim one (not that I’ve ever been overweight ) and he cannot hardly do anything physical we used to do and dream of doing in the future. Physical intimacy is often awkward because I have a very difficult time getting past his drastically changed physical appearance. And of course he isn’t able to perform as he used to. I’m angry about this sometimes, and the other times I am grieving over it. I feel such a great loss in our marriage and in our lives! I didn’t see this coming.

    We’ve even talked about numerous times, but nothing changes or gets better. I do know that need to try and show him more affection daily, which is something I have always had difficulty with because I didn’t grow up with an affectionate family, and he did. But it is even harder to try and do now. I truly need prayer to have the strength and compassion to show him affection the way he craves and needs it. It almost seems as though since his obesity and medical issues his affection needs are now greater than before (and I’m not meaning sexual needs, he claims it’s just affection he needs more). I just simply do not possess the means to meet his needs in this way, and sincerely need Godly advice and prayer for me to fulfill this in my husbands life.

    Thanks for listening. And thanks more for your prayers!
    A desperate wife!

    1. EKM,

      All of those health issues and the meds involved certainly don’t help the ED situation. I’m so sorry to hear about what a tough time your husband has had and how hard it is has been for you, as well. 🙁

      What does the doctor say about his weight and about helping him with weight loss and about the ED situation?

      What are some kinds of affection he would like? Is this something you can remind yourself to do – kind of like learning a new habit? Just as a way to bless him and to show him love because he needs it even if it feels a bit unnatural to you?

      He may be looking more for affection now as a way he can be physical without having to face performance issues. Is that a possibility?

      What happens in your mind when you think about giving him affection – I assume you are talking about things like cuddling, holding hands, patting him on the back when you walk by, hugging, and kissing? Is it repulsive to you to think about? Or what do you think is happening that makes it very challenging to you?

      Would you say you tend to be more visual than verbal? What things help prepare you to desire sex with your husband?

      Are there things you still respect about him? How are you doing with focusing on these things?

      How are you seeking to process your legitimate grief in a healthy way?

      How is your walk with Christ going, my sweet sister?

      Much love to you!

  15. Thank you for posting this, believe it or not, I really needed to read this. I’m only 28 and my husband is 33, we’ve been together for ten years, married for five. During these five years he’s been increasingly distant, regardless of my advances towards him. I worried that I was infertile because we haven’t gotten pregnant yet, but I never pushed the issue. I’ll initiate and encourage but 9/10 were never able to get anywhere. I’ve left the door open for him to be open with me if he feels he needs to talk but sometimes he’ll get angry and frustrated with me about it so I stopped doing the wifely things that a husband would be interested in. It does hurt a lot emotionally and I thought that finding work and hobbies to keep myself busy would help and it does but now he just feels further away sexually. He’s never initiated for the past four years and refused needing a doctor. He does have an avid addiction to adult entertainment but doesn’t see it as a problem. I’ve found God recently and when I’m not home or my husband isn’t around I can feel his grace but whenever my husband is around, I don’t. With God’s continued grace and support I wish to stay but I’m not being fed here spiritually, emotionally or sexually. Please pray for me.

    1. Little Moments,

      It is wonderful to meet you, my sister! But I am heartbroken at the situation in your marriage. 🙁 Major porn addiction can lead to a husband’s inability to be aroused with his real flesh and blood wife. How severe is the addiction, do you think?

      There are resources to check out at that I believe would be very helpful.

      When is the last time you have both tried to talk about this subject?

      I want you to have as much support as possible! I praise God that He is drawing you to Himself. WOOHOO!

      Please search my home page for “porn.”

      I have many posts here that I believe might be a blessing to you in your walk with Christ and in your marriage.

      The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage

      When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage

      Could Your Husband Be Trapped in Shame?

      You may also want to search:

      – insecurity
      – security
      – contentment
      – when my spouse is wrong

      How is the marriage going in other ways? Do y’all talk or interact much?

      How is your walk with Christ going? 🙂

      Much love to you!

  16. We have been married for 25 years. Through our whole relationship from the begining even when we were dating. My husband has been involved with porn. Of course he promised that when we got married he would not bring it into our lives. We became born again Christians while we were engaged. He tried to hide the porn from me. But it always surfaced.

    I have a hard time understanding why he feels the need to go outside our marriage for pleasure because we always had a active sexual relationship. At least till our son was born. He complied with me. But it seemed just out of duty. The porn continued, and he continued to lye about it for years. It has been heart breaking.

    He has been a smoker since 14. Both cigarettes, and Marijuana. He also has a couple of cocktails daily. I have done research on this. And have been delicate in trying to dicuss this with him. He has been to the doctors and diagnosed with ED. Has used vigera and other pills that are similar. But now he won’t bother with any of them. There is no contact between us outside of a kiss of goodbye and hello. I feel like we seem like brother and sister. Then husband and wife. We still sleep in the same bed. But there is nothing but cold air between us. He doesn’t want to respond to me.

    I’m still in good shape even though I’m in my 50’s. I go to great efforts to please him. Keeping an awesome home. I’m a gourmet cook. I love him dearly. He has stated many times that he enjoys younger bodies and that is why he looks at porn. He also seems obsessed with lesbian porn. I have tried to get him to counseling. And shown him articles. All at times when I feel things are at a good place. But he states this is a normal. And he will stop. But still no sexual contact no matter what advice or research I get helps.

    For years I have tried so many things. I pray daily. I have even joined a support group on line for help. He knows this because I told him I need to find a way to cope. I just don’t know where to turn from here. I don’t want to leave him. I don’t want to have an affair. I’m committed to him. Have been since I was 19. But the pain is becoming greater. Where do I turn from here?

    1. Lindy Leone,

      Oh, my dear sister! 🙁 This breaks my heart. Porn addiction is so devastating to men, women, spouses, and marriages. As you know, this is not good. It is destructive.

      Have you gone to a godly counselor for yourself?

      What does your husband expect you to do while he goes on and on with no interest in sex with you?

      How is your walk with Christ going? Are you interested in a spiritual check up? I want to see you be in as healthy a place as you can possible be in Christ so that you have His wisdom, love, power, and discernment about exactly what He desires you to do.

      Much love and the biggest hug to you!

  17. What will you do when your husband is denying his impotency even though you are seeing he is impotent and due to this, he is not making love to you?

    1. naa,

      That would be so painful – for both of you. 🙁 How long do you think this has been going on? I”m sure you are aware that this would be possibly one of the most humiliating things for a lot of men to have to talk about. Is he taking medications that may be contributing to the problem? Does he see a doctor regularly?

      Much love to you!

  18. My husband and have been married almost five years and we have never had sex. His ED is caused by medical problems and meds do nothing. I am trying to find options for us as a couple for alternatives and as a Christian I don’t want to do anything wrong. We found all of this out on our honeymoon and needless to say it has been difficult. I have been supportive and continue to be so. I find it easier to just ignore that part of our relationship, but I know it causes us to not be close in so many ways. I just don’t know what to do.

    1. Deb,
      Oh no! 🙁 That is completely heartbreaking! I’m sure it has been devastating for you both. Has he been willing to go to a doctor? Are you familiar with the devices and injections that are available for men that may work if oral meds don’t work?

      How is your marriage going generally? Are you both relating okay and able to enjoy each other in other ways? Or is there a lot of tension?

      How can we pray for y’all?

      Much love to you!

  19. I have problems with ED. My wife has put my manhood on trial. Said I am not a man or accused me of affair even though I have never been unfaithful. Claims I dont love her anymore and that something must be wrong with me. I quit smokimg, started exercising, eating a healthier diet and I give my wife a tremendous amount of affection, respect, and patience outside the bedroom. I am trying to address my problem organically with better lifestyle choices. I am handsome and in slightly above average shape for 50. I do love and adore my wife and the Lord.

    Pills work fine. I can even split the lower dose ones and generics and they work wonders. Give me spontaneous and confident results. She hate them claiming I shouldn’t need them and she should be enough. I am trying as I said to make changes and not have to use them. I still have to see and feel something I like for them to work. They help but they don’t do it for you.

    If my wife lost a breast to cancer or had any other sexual issues it wouldnt even be on my radar screen to abandon her or dehumanize her. I would take care of her in every way happily because she is my lover and my best friend she is my everything.

    I feel like she has goddess like narcissistic selfishness or am I wrong ? I now feel myself tempted to have an emotional affair that could lead to a sexual one not because I dont love my wife. I feel pretty alone. I haven’t done it and don’t want to. I am a believer and I don’t believe in adultery for any reason.

    1. James,

      That sounds like a very difficult and painful situation, my brother. I am so sorry! 🙁

      It is possible that she may not understand ED based on her comments. If she did – I think she would be much more able to approach this with you as a team and realize you are not against her. Would she be willing to read about it or even to talk with your doctor about it so that she can better understand that this is not a conscious decision on your part, that it is a medical issue, and that it is not about whether she is beautiful or whether she is “enough” for you?

      1. I have asked her to do the these things she will not. Now I wonder if my ED is at least not partially affected by my mental state. She makes comments how the men who dont have ED at middle age are and has little empathy for those who do. I feel so depressed I struggle to get out of bed at times. She lost lots of weight thinking at first that if was her that caused my problem. She had two affairs just to see if she was still desirable and declared that she is and its my problem amd my fault. She didnf want to sleep in the same bed anymore yet says I ignore her. Sex is not play now. It s pressure. The first month I began the pills she didnt know I used them. She was very pleased, as soon as she knew everything changed. She now cries and says she’s confused . Well I am too

        1. James,

          Ugh! This is so heartbreaking. 🙁 When were the affairs? That is NOT at all okay! Has she repented of the affairs? Does she have a godly counselor or mentoring wife she is willing to talk to?

          I’m sure that all that is going on is not helping you at all in any way.

          What do you want to see happen? What do you believe you need for healing in your life and marriage?

          In Christ,

          1. I want her to know that its nothing to do with her body or looks. She wasn’t obese just a little overweight and i never thought anything of it or even mentioned it. No man would purposely have ED problems. The affairs were in the past year. Her father was a serial cheater. I want healing for my problem and our marriage. I pray about it. We have 16 years together. This hurts

            1. Eddie,

              It sounds like you may both have a lot of pain in your hearts and a lot of emotional/spiritual scars? I don’t want you to feel any shame. That is some toxic stuff. My husband has some posts about it on his blog, if you are interested.

              Do you think she might be willing to talk with me, perhaps? I would love to point her to the healing that is available to her in Christ. And if it is ever helpful, I can delete your comments.

              I want to see you both healed, loved, respected, and honored. I have seen God do so many miracles. I know neither of you are beyond His reach. And neither is your marriage. 🙂

              Much love in Christ, dear brother,

  20. I am using different anonymous names on here because of tne shame and embarrassment I feel. Thank you for your prayer and concern April. God bless you and your husband.

    1. My wife is a nominal believer at best who says she quote “doesn’t understand the Bible or agree with a lot of it.” So getting her to read or talk abouut this with someone else from a Christian perspective may prove difficult. My step son who is grown and own his own has been a blessing to me. He told her to think thru it and that he loves me.

      1. James,

        I pray God might open her eyes, my brother. I am also a pharmacist, so if you decide to see if she would be willing to talk with a pharmacist about this issue, I’m available. 🙂

        I will do whatever I can to support you and pray for you, your wife, and your marriage. I don’t want to see the enemy win here!

        1. Can someone PLEASE HELP ME?? I am having an emotional and mental break down!

          I’ve only been married for 3 weeks!! Discovered the ED issue with my husband on our honeymoon! Part of me is supportive and part of me is very resentful!!

          We did things “Gods way” and I had no clue and apparently neither did he? (** Edited out by Peacefulwife **)

          Anywho I made it very clearly and communicated that when married sex was very important to me just as much as it was to him. I felt like I kept my end of the bargin and he didn’t! He was suppose to exercise regularly and eat decent. He didn’t none of that it turns out it was a vitamin D definciey! So I suggest many of our wives and men to tell husbands and other men the importance of going to the doctor!! Some of you men are refusing and it’s only making matters worse when it could potentially be an easy fix.

          Anyway, now the problem is he only lasts 2 minutes!!!! That is not what he promised!!! I feel lied to, mislead and deceived!! This isn’t fair! I did everything right (** edited out by Peaceful Wife **) when I was younger now I’m wishing I was and got it out the way and now I can’t even have sex!!!! I’m 30 and in my sexual prime!

          I’m sexually frustated and annoyed!! I hate the fact that these therapist and counselors only focus on the men and expect us to be so nice and sweet when men (**edited out by Peaceful Wife**)if the woman has issues. Their actions are justified and we are suppose to have “grace” I feel so frustated and alone! Sex is a stress reliever for me and my husband can’t be that. I do everything for him and don’t talk down to him (edited out by Peaceful Wife)! I hate my life and I’m questioning my faith! This whole “saving yourself, is a slap in the face”

          I want to be with my husband! Not feel like I’m a roommate with my brother!!
          This thread is very enabling! It’s not helping! Many men need to go to the doctor and they refuse! That’s a problem just go!!!

          So now I have to continue to fake being happy just to support him and not make him feel bad while I’m am dying and suffering in silence! This truly is a man’s world! Our needs clearly don’t matter!!!!!!! We just have to suck it up and smile and tell him it’s going to be ok… who are we suppose to talk to??? Women done experience sexual frustration as well!!

          Again only married for 3 weeks and in petrified for our future!!!

          1. Resentful Wife,

            Well, I can definitely feel the intensity of your pain, frustration, hurt, and anger very, very clearly from all that you have shared. Sexual rejection is awful. For any spouse. Especially for a newly wed. I severely sprained my back a week after we were married, and my husband would hardly touch me after that for months – I had never felt so devastated in my life. We waited for marriage, too. I thought he seriously hated me. I couldn’t see that he was trying to keep from hurting me in my particular situation at the time. I had no one to talk to. I laid in bed and cried all day for weeks. We had a lot of other difficult issues going on at the same time, and I couldn’t handle it. I lashed out at my husband and his parents and made myself and them even more miserable and stressed than we already were with so many major problems happening all at the same time. 🙁

            I would love to help point you to the healing that is available for you in Jesus. I would be glad to hash through a lot of these issues with you if you are interested. I would respectfully ask that you refrain from using any vulgar language or cussing. I’d like for us to speak respectfully to each other here.

            I’m very thankful that your husband is able to do 2 minutes now, that is better than zero minutes. If you are interested, I am a pharmacist and have some suggestions that may be helpful physically for you both.

            Yes, ideally, husbands would go get help from a doctor. I am not writing to men here, though. I am writing for women. I spent over 14 years trying to control my husband and demand that he change about a lot of things. I prayed every day for God to change him. He had become very passive and unplugged and I was determined to force him to be the husband I wanted him to be. I know you have only been married 3 weeks at this point. I have been married 22 years now.

            Let me share something with you, my sister, you can’t change him. You can make him and yourself miserable by trying to force him to do things. You can destroy your marriage by lashing out at him and saying hurtful things. But that won’t fix the problem – and actually, the more you pressure a man who is having ED issues, and the more stressed he feels, the harder it will be for him to perform. He will have so much more anxiety. You can influence him – but the best way to do that is in a positive way, not a negative way.

            If you are interested in embracing a new mindset that will actually help you both get more of what you want and will help you find true peace and contentment whether your husband changes or not, you are in the right place. If you are going to find healing for your marriage and your situation with your husband, I believe I can point you to the narrow road that God has for you to find it on.

            But it will require you being willing to look at yourself first (Matt. 7:1-5). THEN you will see clearly enough with God’s help to actually be able to help your husband instead of responding in a destructive way.

            I want you both to have your legitimate needs met. This is going to require several large steps in spiritual growth and maturity. I believe God wants to take you much deeper in your faith and that there are some things He wants to help you remove from your thinking that are toxic to you spiritually. When you are healed spiritually and thinking in healthy ways – you will have the power of God’s Spirit to help you navigate this difficult trial. What God wants to do in your life is MUCH bigger than I think you can imagine right now. But He wants to take you to a very beautiful place with Him that you may have never even dreamed about before.

            Much love to you!

            The Devastation of Sexual Rejection
            Placing My Higher Sexual Appetite Under God’s Control
            Fear Fuels Our Need to Control
            Could Your Husband Be Trapped in Shame?

  21. Thank you so much for writing this post. It’s been so hard for me to find anything online that relates to the difficulties my husband and I have dealt with.

    We have been married for 11 months, and are both still virgins. We did not realize when we got married that my husband is completely impotent. After a few weeks of marriage, he did see a doctor, and has tried everything from talking with a therapist, to Viagra. Nothing has any effect whatsoever.

    A few months ago, my husband starting dealing with some other health problems, that required us to see specialists. They ran thorough testing and told us that he has some type of genetic disorder (further testing will be required to accurately diagnose exactly which genetic disorder it is), that is most likely the cause for his current health concerns, and sexual dysfunction. They also told us, that whether or not my husband will ever be able to have sex, he is infertile.

    I’m having a hard time dealing with all of this. My husband and I were not only looking forward to being physically intimate in marriage, but also enjoying the blessings (children) that the intimacy would bring. I feel like I’ve been denied children before I even got the chance to try for a baby.

    To make it all even harder to handle, the doctors explained that whatever is wrong with my husband could have, and should have been discovered by his primary physician when he was a teenager. My husband’s parents (who really are wonderful people) even shared that they knew there was a chance my husband would have a genetic disorder, and the effects it could have on him, but they never shared any of this with him before marriage.

    My husband is a little depressed about all of this (understandably), and he has even told me that he understands if I want to get our marriage annulled. However, I feel like I took a vow when I married him to stay married to him till death, and that even if it’s hard, I should stay with him. That being said, I’m only 24 years old……am I just destined to be submissive and sad for the rest of my life?

    1. Maddie,

      Oh how my heart breaks for you both! 🙁 And then to realize that this was a genetic disorder and that his parents knew about it and didn’t give him this important information – that would hurt, too. I am sure they were trying to protect him. But – this will be another layer of pain to deal with. I am praying for God’s wisdom and healing for you both spiritually and emotionally. And I pray for God’s healing for your husband and marriage.

      I can’t begin to imagine how upsetting this would be for both of you – and the weight of this issue on your husband’s mind, especially – the feelings he must have of being a “failure” for you. 🙁 I can just feel the pain you both are enduring from here so sharply and deeply.

      Would you be interested in hashing through some of these painful issues with me – so that you can find spiritual healing in Christ?

      Do the doctors believe there may be help for him sexually, or do they just not know yet until they do more testing?

      How is your marriage and relationship going at this point? Are y’all fighting this thing together as a team, or is it causing you to split apart?

      Much love and the biggest hug to you, my precious sister!

      1. The doctors told us that until they finish all of the genetic testing, in order to accurately diagnose him, there isn’t really anything they can do to help him sexually. They also told us it will take anywhere from a couple months to a year, to be able to pinpoint his genetic disorder, so there’s just a lot of waiting.

        We were told that had doctor’s done these tests when he first started showing symptoms as a teenager, it would have been somewhat easier to not only diagnose him, but also give him a general idea of the effects it would have on everything from his muscular pain, to his sexual function. Unfortunately, now we just have to wait on that information.

        We are trying our best to approach all of this with a unified, “team” mentality, but sometimes, that is difficult. I don’t blame my husband for any of this. It’s not his fault that, as a teenager and young adult, his doctor somewhat dismissed all of his health concerns and complaints. Nor is it my husband’s fault that his parents were not pro-active in finding him more competent health care, and being more up-front with him about his health.

        That being said, I am dealing with some frustration towards my in-laws. Had they gotten my husband the medical care he needed when he was younger, it would have been so much easier for him to deal with emotionally, and his overall health would have been better. They knew it was a possibility that he would struggle with a possible genetic disorder, but took the “wait-and-see” approach.

        My husband has scoliosis, and any other health complaints he ever voiced, they, and his doctor, always told him it was connected to his scoliosis. My husband was confident that his spine issue was his only health problem, and before we got engaged, his family assured me that it was the only thing wrong with him.

        Rationally, I know that his family was trying to do what was best for him, and they are wonderful people, truly. That being said, I can’t help but feel as though they definitely should have been more honest with him, and perhaps, maybe even a little more up-front with me.

        Am I wrong for thinking this?

        1. Maddie,

          I’m glad that you are able to see that this was not your husband’s fault and are not holding bitterness or resentment against him. I can certainly understand that you would feel frustrated and maybe even resentful toward his parents because they didn’t give him all of this information and that they withheld it from you, as well. It would have obviously been much better to go into marriage knowing the extent of his medical issues – for both of you.

          Perhaps they didn’t want to believe there could be a genetic disorder? I don’t know if they were maybe in denial or it was just too painful to face the possibility of really digging to find the extent of the problems? I don’t know their medical backgrounds or anything. Different people have very different perspectives when it comes to handling medical issues. Some really want to find out everything and be proactive. Others are afraid to be proactive. Some choose to believe one doctor even when maybe they should get a second opinion. There are many ways to approach a son’s medical problems.

          But now you are where you are. And it is a very painful place to be – especially at 24 years of age. 🙁

          How are you handling the thoughts of resentment toward his parents? Have you talked with them at all? Are you journaling? Do you have a godly wife mentor or prayer partner to talk with?

          Would you be interested in a general spiritual check up so that you can find all of the healing you can have emotionally and spiritually in Christ?

          Much love!

          1. No, I haven’t spoken with his parents about any feelings of resentment towards them. We live in the same city as them, so I’ve obviously spent time with them recently, and I’ve tried to be quite pleasant towards everyone.

            I have a good relationship with my husband’s parents and siblings, and I’d hate to say something that would offend them or hurt feelings unnecessarily. What’s done is done, and I don’t want them to feel guilty about things they should have handled differently, when there isn’t really anything they can do about it now.

            With regards to a mentor or someone to talk with, that’s where things become even a little more difficult.

            My husband and I grew up in different parts of the country, and had a long-distance relationship before marriage. We were married in my hometown, and then I came to live with him in a state that is over 1,000 miles away from the only place I’d ever known as home. I haven’t even been gone a full year yet.

            It took a few months to find a job, and to settle down in a church, so although I’ve certainly begun some friendships, I’m not very close to anyone here yet, and I certainly don’t know anyone well enough to share such intimate, private details with them.

            I talk with my Mother and sister occasionally, but I’m careful with what I say to them, because I don’t want them to view my husband, or his family, negatively.

            I’ve also reached out to a couple of women back home whom I used to view as mentors. I’ve not received much response, to be honest.

            1. Maddie,

              If you are interested, we can talk about ways you can handle the bitterness between yourself and God. You don’t necessarily have to talk with them about it – but bitterness, even the tiniest bit – is super toxic.

              You are welcome to search my home page for “bitterness” for several posts that may be a blessing.

              I’m glad you are respectful and careful about what you say. That is awesome.

              I’ll do all I can to support you, my sister!

  22. My husband of 17 years and I have been struggling emotionally but seems to be getting better slowly as I have backed off my controlling habits. I was disrespecting him and he was pretty passive about all of it until a couple months ago. He sounds very similar to your husband was. What I am trying to decipher now is what is going on sexually. When he blew up a couple months ago I became the “seductress” trying to entice him into being close again. This worked a few times and then one time when it wasn’t quite as seductive, he had trouble being excited. I never said anything and tried to help him and was happy to do so. Since that time he has rejected me completely. I do not think there is anyone else. There could be porn but not really convinced of that either (but definitely not off the table). He went to the dr. this week for a physical but even though I mentioned getting his testosterone checked, he has not shared the results of that (if it was done). I am afraid of asking him about it since we are emotionally trying to get back on track and am afraid of it being perceived as intrusive. He’s accepting of some affection from me–touching here and there, slapping his butt–but never reciprocates. He seems better since I’ve backed off the last week–since he totally rejected me. Do I keep staying away? Do I ask him about his testosterone check? Do I just keep praying and trying to hold it together? (FYI, even in good days sexual intimacy only happened 1-2 times a week, so not a high drive kind of marriage anyway…and he’s very subtle in his initiation of sex so I’m worried he won’t initiate again…ever :(…)

    1. Trying,

      Hmm… sometimes a wife’s disrespect/control can be a huge turn off to a husband. Enough that he may have trouble being aroused by his wife. Of course, it is hard to know if there could be something medical going on – unless he is willing to share that.

      This will require God’s wisdom and the power of His discernment and prompting. Sometimes, a wife in a situation like this may do best to just back off and be respectful, friendly, and receptive without pushing or pressuring him about medical issues or about having sex. Especially if she was super controlling for a long time. I know this has worked for some wives – to back off for a month or even a few months as they work on getting rid of intentional or unintentional disrespect and control. And they work on being friendly, smiling, and just a safe, welcoming place to be. Sometimes it takes a REALLY long time for husbands who have felt very controlled or disrespected to heal.

      If there are other things going on – I pray God will bring things to light and give you the wisdom you need to respond in ways that honor Him.

      If there is no infidelity going on – it may be that just appreciating where he is and realizing he is very broken right now and that he is not okay emotionally or spiritually – it is like he is in the spiritual ICU – and it will be a long time before he heals – may be a good approach for a time as God leads you.

      If there is porn use going on or an affair – that would require a different approach.

      Do you feel that you have a clear sense of what God is prompting you to do at this time? Are you able to “hear” His voice?

      Let’s not zoom ahead way into the future into fear about that this might be “forever.” That will make you crazy!

      How about focus on each day as it comes and be open to all that God wants to do in you and how He leads you each baby step of the way.

      Much love!

      1. Trying,

        As you show him over a long period of time that you are changing – he may begin to feel safe with you again. However, if he is struggling with impotence and it is not just about the control – that can get more tricky. There is almost nothing more humiliating for a man than feeling like a failure sexually. It may be a good time to read medical info about this and how you can support him.

        As he doesn’t feel so pressured and controlled, he may eventually begin to open up again.

        23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

      2. Thank you for your reply. I do feel like God is leading me in a good direction. Christmas Day was tough because it was just an emotional day and I kept letting myself think too far into the future. At the same time, it helped me feel very comfortable in the fact that there is no one else. I think he has just been hurt and is trying to see if I am truly truly going to change for good. I think I just wanted there to be a “reason”, not something I’ve done. I will let God lead me in when/if we talk about medical issues. I think it will be clear as time goes on.

        I have read your book (in the last couple days) and searched your website for everything I can get my hands on. I think I was probably too controlling even in my approach to “seduce” him and was just still too much. I need to let him lead in several ways. Working on that…

        Until about 2 years ago he worked very weird hours and I needed to be controlling in our home life. And now, when he has a much more 8-5 kind of job, it is wonderful to have him around but challenging all at once. Still figuring it all out. Last night he gave me a really positive sign–simple and wonderful and best of all he was HAPPY. I will keep praying and discerning what God is telling me. He has given me this blog, good friends and a truly wonderful man that I think I just need to continue to back off from and be positive and respectful to.

        Thank you again.

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