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An Abandoned Wife’s Journal

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This is from a wife who has faced many struggles in her marriage.  I don’t know what God’s plans are for anyone.  But I do know that He honors faith in Him.  I do know that He honors obedience to His Word.  And I do know that prayer is powerful and that when we pray together as a group, seeking God’s will and His glory – miracles can and will happen.  Thank you to this precious sister of mine who has allowed me to share her story. This wife is in an excruciatingly painful place.  And God is right there with her – working in her heart.  There are very raw, real emotions here.  This is how we wrestle with God and learn to repent of our sinful ways and turn to Him and begin to obey, trust and submit to Christ.

I would like to share with everyone the emotions, revelations, and repentance my heart has been through in the last few weeks. I started a journal not too long ago to help me as a source of “therapy” for my soul. The last time I saw my husband it was the last Sunday of January. The last time I heard his voice was Feb. 3. He has asked me not to call or text or FB message him at all. If you could be in prayer for my husband I would really appreciate it. I do not believe he is having an affair but at this point it would not surprise me. He is extremely far from the Lord. It is now also being brought to light in his dad’s eyes which is where he moved once he left me. (PS- my husband claims to be a Christian, went to a Christian school and graduated from the same Bible college as I did). Anyways, here is part of my journal.

2/18/13 (this was an entry I wrote to myself to reflect back on later)

This journey so far is full of roller coaster emotions. There are moments when the agonizing pain is unbearable. It feels as if my heart literally is going to shatter into a million pieces. There are days all I want to do is pick up the phone just to hear the sound of his voice. My thoughts are overwhelmed with “what if” and “if I could only”

But that is when I have to stop myself and remember God is in control. He knows every emotion. He is here with me every step of the way. God is good, or so I tell myself.

Is God really good though?

How can this be good?

How can this situation honor and glorify God?  

This seems as if it is the work of the devil. But, then I have to remember Jesus always has the last word. Though He was crucified on the cross and despised and rejected of men He was working… FOR ME! Thank you Lord for your grace. God showed mercy during the most horrific acts mankind could ever be placed under. This is how I know God is still good even in this situation.

This is NOT a work of the devil but of God. If this separation had never happened my eyes would have NEVER been opened to the magnitude of sin in my heart.

My prayer is that my husband and I can sit and work this out somehow. My love for him is more solidified now than it ever has been and I will FIGHT for this marriage. When I first stated these words I had no idea “fighting to keep my marriage” would involve such drastic change on MY part. I had no idea I would be dealing with the heart and sin issues that I am faced with. This revelation has not been an easy one to swallow and admit that I was doing wrong. It is a process that is still being opened unto me. But, I want to resolve these issues because I desire to

#1 PLEASE GOD!!!

#2 Change into being a Godly woman

#3 Be the RIGHT kind of wife God instructs me and desires me to be.

2/20/13

I really am unsure where to even begin… There are soo many apologies I would like to convey to my husband. This journey of realizing my wrong and my sinful behavior has been difficult to bear. For the most part I thought I was “okay” The truth of the matter is I was not okay.  My relationship with the Lord was suffering, therefore, causing my relationship with my husband (and others) to suffer.

The main issue that my mind keeps going back to is that I was being disrespectful. I did not honor _____  as my husband. I often trumped over him as the authority figure of this family and I was wrong. I have also come to realize I did this in many areas such as my words, tone of voice, and actions. I was constantly negative and lazy. I had a ‘queen’ mentality. I was wrong to think “I deserve this… or that….” Regardless of the lies my mind was feeding itself I was wrong for acting upon those thoughts. However, the Bible also warns that as a man thinks in his heart, so he will be.

It is my prayer that somehow he can forgive me for the ways in which I treated him and showed him disrespect. I have sinned against him and I am/was wrong. It is my desire that I begin showing him the respect and reverence that he deserves and needs.

2/22/13

Such simple words this means… “thank you.” I do not, nor have I ever, shown my husband an attitude of gratefulness. He has done so much for me and I never let him know how much those things meant to me. I am thankful for how he takes care of me financially (and how he still is). How he at one point had met my needs as a caring and loving husband. I need to thank him for everything he did for me no matter how small or big it may have been. He tried to support me and lead me. He protected me and cared for me. He wanted what was best for me. And I believe there still is a part of him that still wants that for me.

I am ashamed and sorrowful that I was unable to show this gratitude to him. I am sorry for my prideful and selfish reactions. I was slothful and full of high expectations. There are no right words to say to show the depth of remorse I have for how I have treated my husband and presented myself to him. My only prayer is that he can somehow forgive me for the ways in which I have sinned against him.

I tried to take control and control who he was as a person instead of being grateful for the person he already was and is. I was very deceived as to how a wife should be. I was filled with expectations which I now realize are premeditated resentment. With God’s help I am laying aside those expectations. I am choosing to please God and to meet HIS expectations or rather requirements for me as a person and as a wife.

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