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How Long before He Feels the Effects of the Changes?


This is a post my friend, Kayla, wrote when she was just starting to learn about respect and biblical submission.  I totally relate to how she was feeling at this time.  She was kind enough tonight to answer her own questions at the bottom now that it has been about 5 months! Thanks for sharing, Kayla!

It is such a weird place to be when you’re really working on something in your marriage, and the main person who hopefully should be the first person to notice is your spouse, and they are the one person it is most awkward or maybe even inappropriate to talk to about it.

I tell my husband everything.  Inside out and upside down, he’s my GO TO MAN.  And I like it that way. But right now, there is nothing to “go to” him with that would make any sense at all.

My house has not been quiet for the last several days.  Yet at the same time, it has been full or a totally different kind of communication.  And I wonder how much time will actually have to pass before the “change” really comes full circle.

On so many different occasions this weekend I literally had to bite my tongue.  Not because I had to say anything but because I’m used to saying things. I never offered up my two cents to intentionally be disrespectful- in fact I didn’t really have any idea that it could be seen that way or might feel like that.  None-the-less, I always offered it up.

It isn’t like I can say to my husband “Hey, did you notice I didn’t say anything there?” or “You know, I really wanted to say XXX but I didn’t because I respect you and I want to follow you.”  That’d kinda kill what I’m ultimately trying to accomplish.

He knows that I’ve been challenged in my respect of him, and he knows I’m working on some changes.  However, knowing that and actually feeling and seeing the effects of it are two different things.

So I’m wondering today, how long will it take before he really notices the changes on his own, without my trying to point everything out.

And since I can’t talk to him… anyone out there care to offer up some communication?

~Have you ever made a change that you didn’t want to “talk” to your husband about? Yes!  It was really weird to stop “nagging” him.  I would think about repeating something, and stop myself, and then find myself struggling not to say “I just kept myself from nagging you there…. did you notice?”

~Did he ever notice and how long did it take? He has noticed numerous changes, but honestly, I don’t think he’s noticed everything.  Maybe I feel that way because a lot of what I have changed is how I look at him, how I feel about him, what I allow myself to think about, and what I choose to say.  These thing all happened in my mind and heart, so while I think he can see changes…. I don’t believe he can fully grasp the full change because he was never inside my mind in the first place.

~How has your marriage been since making the changes? We’re growing.  I see less spats and arguments.  I see some instances where there is more concern for my feelings.  I see times when he’s more willing to talk or help out.  I feel we have some distance to cover, but we lived 10 years together in pretty disrespectful & unloving conditions, so I don’t expect the results to be instantaneous. 


I saw some changes the first week.  But then many more changes within the next month or two, and then gradually, many more changes over the next several years.

My husband DEFINITELY noticed!  He wrote a post about his perspective – check it out here.

It took a good 2 years for things to become “normal” and “natural” for me to be a godly wife.  But we both feel like we have the marriage of our dreams now and you couldn’t pay me money to make me think, say and do the things I used to do in my marriage when I was controlling, disrespectful, far from God, worried, stressed, afraid and lonely.

Now I feel cherished, loved, protected, well-provided for, peaceful, joyful, powerful, feminine, alive, and incredibly blessed in my relationship with God and my husband!

How about you?




Happy Valentine’s Day! I know this is a day where we often think about how loved we FEEL. I’d like to put a different spin on things. Let’s look at God’s love for us, His beautiful definition of love in I Corinthians 13:4-8. And let’s see how WE are doing with loving our husbands. I want you to put YOUR name where the word, “love” would usually go – and I took the liberty of modifying things a bit to fit with marriage. How loving are you?

________ is patient with her husband, even when he takes a long time answering her or she doesn’t get her way.
________ is kind to her husband, even if he is not in a good mood, is not talking with her, or answered her harshly.
She does not envy or begrudge him time with his hobbies/work/friends,
she does not boast and brag about how she is such a better spouse than he is, or about all she has to do to take care of him and what a burden he is,
she is not proud, she does not think she is always right and he is always wrong.
She is not rude to her husband, even if she thinks he deserves it,
she is not self-seeking, she looks out for what is best for him above herself,
she is not easily angered even when she has PMS,
she keeps no record of wrongs and doesn’t throw past sins in her husband’s face but truly forgives him the way Christ has forgiven her.
________ does not delight in evil, in bringing harm to her husband, she doesn’t want him to be in pain or to suffer,
but she rejoices when the truth wins.
She always protects her husband, always wants to trust him, always hopes in him, always perseveres in the marriage.
If you see some areas that need work, pray and ask God to forgive you of your sins and ask Him to fill you with His Spirit (if you are a believer – if not, message me and I will be glad to tell you how to have a relationship with Jesus!). He can empower you to love this way!

I pray we will all love our husbands and families and those around us with God’s love like this by His power and for His greatest glory. Let us be known by our LOVE for one another! That is how the world will know we belong to Him.

6 thoughts on “How Long before He Feels the Effects of the Changes?

  1. Yes! This is so hard- that he can’t see what I didn’t say or the thought I chose to not share or when I held my tongue or didn’t fight! And its even almost like me not doing it more of the time makes the times i am still disrespectful stand out more and it makes them worse!! He wants to see me taking steps to change but he doesn’t see what doesn’t go on! (It’s nice to at least not feel alone in the hardness of the process…)

  2. I LOVE the post you put up on Facebook! So true and so good! It is so very hard–especially when you THOUGHT that you were doing a good job, then realize you really *haven’t* been! And like your hubby mine is the “unplug and go silent” type–so often I don’t even realize my slip up till far after the fact!

  3. My God!!! The whole day, I’ve been scanning your archives…. And my heart is actually beating faster… Many of my questions and doubts have fear have all been addressed!!

    Dear April, You are truly an inspiration!!! May God use you mightily to bring more women to Christ and thereby their families!!

    Love you!!

    1. Vinodhini,
      Much love to you my precious sister!

      This is the purpose of my blog – to provide the information I know I so desperately needed as I began this journey. I am thrilled that God is answering my prayers by speaking to you through these posts. Thank you for letting me know!!! I pray for God’s will and His greatest glory in your life!

  4. I started this journey back in October 2014 and it has been a difficult one. I have worked so hard to be respectful to my husband and I really thought he was seeing it and I was doing a good job. Then three weeks ago, after 9 months of holding my tongue, of trying to be a respectful wife and trying hard to make him feel respected and loved, I made a mistake…with our dog. (Keep in mind we have no children) He had been disciplining her because she was acting up all week and then when she began whining to get into the room, I let her come in. Boy! He completely lost it! HE was so angry saying how I always made him out to be the bad guy, that I hadn’t changed at all, that he didn’t know what I was reading or doing but it was NOT working, that I was still interrupting him, still disrespectful. He even said that those kisses (which are simply pecks) that we give each other are like the kiss of Judas. He said that I no longer provoked him and how now I was the one that was chasing after him when many times I was the one that rejected him. He said that if he had done even ¼ of what I had done to him all these years I would have left him. He said, “You want to be a mother? You can’t even discipline a dog!” He eventually told me that at this point in time, he did not want to have children with me- ever. I asked him if he still loved me and he said he didn’t love me as he did before. Since then, he’s gone back to being distant and unaffectionate. He’ll hold my hand when we go out and he’ll kiss me good night and good morning, but he hasn’t really held me since. He’s yet to say “I love you” since October. He’ll say “Take care” or “Be careful” instead.

    It’s so much harder this time around because I really have been trying and thought he was feeling it. When I asked him “You really don’t notice any difference?” he simply said “No.” I told him I knew I was changing that even though I still mess up, it’s not as frequent. It’s so discouraging, really. I feel like it’s when you try to lose weight…you’re the first one to notice it, but it takes longer for others to notice…for the first time in my life I’m praying for my husband not to stray…I feel like he wouldn’t cheat on my physically, but sometimes my mind jumps to him cheating on me emotionally…getting the connection he doesn’t have with me with another girl.

Comments will be closed for Lent from 2-14-18 through 3-28-18.

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