How Long before He Feels the Effects of the Changes?

This is a post my friend, Kayla, wrote when she was just starting to learn about respect and biblical submission.  I totally relate to how she was feeling at this time.  She was kind enough tonight to answer her own questions at the bottom now that it has been about 5 months! Thanks for sharing, Kayla!

It is such a weird place to be when you’re really working on something in your marriage, and the main person who hopefully should be the first person to notice is your spouse, and they are the one person it is most awkward or maybe even inappropriate to talk to about it.

I tell my husband everything.  Inside out and upside down, he’s my GO TO MAN.  And I like it that way. But right now, there is nothing to “go to” him with that would make any sense at all.

My house has not been quiet for the last several days.  Yet at the same time, it has been full or a totally different kind of communication.  And I wonder how much time will actually have to pass before the “change” really comes full circle.

On so many different occasions this weekend I literally had to bite my tongue.  Not because I had to say anything but because I’m used to saying things. I never offered up my two cents to intentionally be disrespectful- in fact I didn’t really have any idea that it could be seen that way or might feel like that.  None-the-less, I always offered it up.

It isn’t like I can say to my husband “Hey, did you notice I didn’t say anything there?” or “You know, I really wanted to say XXX but I didn’t because I respect you and I want to follow you.”  That’d kinda kill what I’m ultimately trying to accomplish.

He knows that I’ve been challenged in my respect of him, and he knows I’m working on some changes.  However, knowing that and actually feeling and seeing the effects of it are two different things.

So I’m wondering today, how long will it take before he really notices the changes on his own, without my trying to point everything out.

And since I can’t talk to him… anyone out there care to offer up some communication?

~Have you ever made a change that you didn’t want to “talk” to your husband about? Yes!  It was really weird to stop “nagging” him.  I would think about repeating something, and stop myself, and then find myself struggling not to say, “I just kept myself from nagging you there…. did you notice?”

~Did he ever notice and how long did it take? He has noticed numerous changes, but honestly, I don’t think he’s noticed everything.  Maybe I feel that way because a lot of what I have changed is how I look at him, how I feel about him, what I allow myself to think about, and what I choose to say.  These thing all happened in my mind and heart, so while I think he can see changes…. I don’t believe he can fully grasp the full change because he was never inside my mind in the first place.

~How has your marriage been since making the changes? We’re growing.  I see less spats and arguments.  I see some instances where there is more concern for my feelings.  I see times when he’s more willing to talk or help out.  I feel we have some distance to cover, but we lived 10 years together in pretty disrespectful & unloving conditions, so I don’t expect the results to be instantaneous. 


I saw some changes the first week.  But then many more changes within the next month or two, and then gradually, many more changes over the next several years.

My husband DEFINITELY noticed! I have a chapter on his perspective in my book, “The Peaceful Wife.”

It took a good 3 years for things to become “normal” and “natural” for me to be a fairly consistent godly wife.  But we both feel like we have the marriage of our dreams now and you couldn’t pay me money to make me think, say and do the things I used to do in my marriage when I was controlling, disrespectful, far from God, worried, stressed, afraid and lonely.

Now I feel cherished, loved, protected, well-provided for, peaceful, joyful, powerful, feminine, alive, and incredibly blessed in my relationship with God and my husband!

How about you?



Happy Valentine’s Day! I know this is a day where we often think about how loved we FEEL. I’d like to put a different spin on things. Let’s look at God’s love for us, His beautiful definition of love in I Corinthians 13:4-8. And let’s see how WE are doing with loving our husbands. I want you to put YOUR name where the word, “love” would usually go – and I took the liberty of modifying things a bit to fit with marriage. How loving are you?

________ is patient with her husband, even when he takes a long time answering her or she doesn’t get her way.
________ is kind to her husband, even if he is not in a good mood, is not talking with her, or answered her harshly.
She does not envy or begrudge him time with his hobbies/work/friends,
she does not boast and brag about how she is such a better spouse than he is, or about all she has to do to take care of him and what a burden he is,
she is not proud, she does not think she is always right and he is always wrong.
She is not rude to her husband, even if she thinks he deserves it,
she is not self-seeking, she looks out for what is best for him above herself,
she is not easily angered even when she has PMS,
she keeps no record of wrongs and doesn’t throw past sins in her husband’s face but truly forgives him the way Christ has forgiven her.
________ does not delight in evil, in bringing harm to her husband, she doesn’t want him to be in pain or to suffer,
but she rejoices when the truth wins.
She always protects her husband, always wants to trust him, always hopes in him, always perseveres in the marriage.
If you see some areas that need work, pray and ask God to forgive you of your sins and ask Him to fill you with His Spirit (if you are a believer – if not, message me and I will be glad to tell you how to have a relationship with Jesus!). He can empower you to love this way!

I pray we will all love our husbands and families and those around us with God’s love like this by His power and for His greatest glory. Let us be known by our LOVE for one another! That is how the world will know we belong to Him.