From a reader – WOW! THIS IS TOTALLY GOD AT WORK. AMAZING. THANK YOU to this wife for allowing me to share. I know it will challenge and bless many wives!
I wanted to quickly share with you the impact of one of your blogs on my life.
I am currently separated from my husband. I found out 2 days before Thanksgiving that he had been having an affair since around March of that year (2012). Our marriage was a mess, and I suspected and confronted him at least 20 times about stuff that didn’t add up, but the response was always the same; “I’m crazy, all problems are my fault because I’m so untrusting, I’m a B, I’m always fighting with him and accusing him of stuff, etc. etc. etc.”. We weren’t sleeping together anymore because he told me he simply lost his sex drive. He didn’t know why…
Of course I did everything wrong too, I clung even more tightly, I cried everyday, I begged him to love me, I tried seducing him to be rejected time and time again, etc. By the time I found out, I was actually relieved, because at least I wasn’t crazy! So I made him move out.
The roller coaster then began…I wanted a divorce (this is the 3rd time he has cheated on me in 10 years of marriage – we have done the whole counseling and forgiveness route and here we are again…). So, great Christians advised me that it was totally Biblical to divorce him and I believe that myself. However, the problem is I still love my husband. With all his crap, I still love him. So then I changed my mind and wanted reconciliation.
But in my fashion, I told him I wanted it and that we were going to reconcile, so he better get on board. I told him he needed to go to counseling and get fixed… lol (its funny now, but I seriously meant it). I explained to him that this journey would be very long and hard but that we were going to make it. He yelled at me that I was not going to control this too… That if he was going to come back it would be on HIS terms and not mine.
Then I found out not only was he still seeing her, but he had taken our children to her house on the weekends he had them and they were all being a happy little family together. The rage came then and I wanted to kill him. So then I was really getting a divorce. The kicker came when he took this woman to a public event. Then I lost it. I called him and it was not pretty. N0t at all. I was divorcing him, he was a son of a you know what and she was a you know what and I was getting the kids, getting the house, leaving him the business debt…oh boy. He was just as ugly with me.
And believe it or not, I felt good about it. I was glad to get it all of my chest and I was glad to be finally making the RIGHT decision to divorce him. I would mourn the loss of my marriage and then be done with it. Me and the kids would be just fine.
A DIVINE CALL FROM AN INSPIRED FRIEND
So last Monday morning, I was all set to start working on the paperwork from the attorney. Then my friend called me. And I was so happy to tell her that I finally was getting the divorce and all the things he did again… She stopped me dead in my tracks by telling me that I was dead wrong. WHAT???????? “But look what he did and has done and for goodness sake, HE IS STILL WITH HER…sleeping with her and God knows what else.” I was sick.
She said she knew it was NOT God’s will for me to file those papers because I was so angry and bitter. Because I was arrogant and hating. That is not God’s way she said. BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT, was all I could say, ‘ LOOK WHAT HE IS DOING???? She said, “look what you are doing.”
If that friend would have been standing in front of me at that moment I might have taken her down!! I was so mad and upset. BUT LOOK at all he had done to ME. He had broken my heart and ripped apart our family and my little kids cry themselves to sleep at night that their daddy isn’t home. I asked, “What? Am I to just sit around and wait on him to change and decide to come back?” She said, “Of course not, but you are to sit around and wait on the Lord. AND HE will lead you.” She said that I wasn’t healed yet and that God was not going to bless me filing in anger and bitterness. (From Peacefulwife – THIS is a true friend!!!!!!!!!! WOW!)
It took me the rest of the day to process all of that and I was not a happy camper. I just wanted it to be over, because at least then, I knew the path I was on. Because I CONTROLLED IT. I am a fixer. A doer, a very successful person in everything I do, because I don’t fail. It’s not in my genes to quit. That’s how I’ve always been and I couldn’t fix this and it was killing me in many many ways. So ending it was how I could just control it. and then move on.
A DIVINE APPOINTMENT WITH THE PEACEFULWIFE BLOG
So…here I am the next morning, and I’m still crying at 6am…and I read your blog about “In Sickness and Health”. And you shared about how for 15 years you were this and you were that (telling my story basically), and then you listed spiritual sicknesses…and I was confronted like a tsunami, with my own selfishness over the last 10 years.
- My control issues
- how I knew how to parent better than him (because I have two from a previous marriage)
- I had the experience not him
- I had been married before, so I knew “how to do it right”
- I was very spiritual
- I sing, I’m on the worship team. He hates singing.
- I am always in the Bible and praying…he never does. Obviously I’m the way more spiritual one here.
- I was critical of the way he handled many things, including our sex life.
- My husband is extremely good looking and women flirt with him in front of me. Like I’m not even there. So, I have taken it upon myself to make sure I knock him down a peg or two lest he get even more arrogant (he does struggle with arrogance and pride and he definitely knows he is good looking), so I needed to keep him in check.
- He wanted to go out for drinks with his brother? I pouted and argued and begged him not to, why? Because I felt if I could control his behaviors, he would not cheat again. That worked well.
I am sharing with you all the bad things that God showed me in an instant about myself. All my best intentions to ‘save’ our marriage and help him. But I was selfish, self righteous, prideful, controlling, and extremely disrespectful. I even chased him out of the bedroom one time after he yelled at me that I didn’t respect him at all, and I said, “(Darn) right I don’t, you have to earn respect….”
WOW… as I read your blog and the Lord convicted me of so much, my heart broke. I was so ashamed of my own behaviors and all the anger I had toward him just left me. I felt the Lord say, “Do you think his sins are worse than yours? His are just out there for everyone to see, yours were kept hidden well within this home”. Ouch. Then He said (you know what I mean…I don’t hear voices, lol), “You have been begging me to restore your marriage and change your husband. But what if I asked you to take him back just as he is and YOU change?”
GULP, punched in the stomach.
Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is no angel. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive at times in our marriage. but so have I. And, he does have a track record of lying to me and cheating (I believe he has some serious strongholds, but instead of praying diligently, I have just held it against him). But, I felt the Lord tell me to stop looking at him, and just look at myself. Don’t go backward or look too much forward, just look at today and what I can do to change all those nasty little things about myself.
You should probably know I am well respected and everyone loves me! lol I am caring and generous and wonderful and truly love the Lord with all my heart. Go out of my way to help others, volunteer, etc. Yet, to my husband, what have I been? I realized also that I never before really understood that by dishonoring and disrespecting my husband, I was dishonoring my Lord. WOW… I was and still am, a week later, reeling from this.
A NEW WOMAN IN CHRIST – AMAZING!
In the past week, I have texted my husband and told him I do not want a divorce. I apologized to HIM for my selfishness and self righteousness and control and etc., etc., His response was that he had mixed feelings about it. The fact he didn’t scream at me that he hates me and wants the divorce was positive! lol. I know I can’t control what he is doing or the situation. I do pray that God would remove this woman. I pray that he would repent and turn back to God…but mostly I just pray that God’s will be done and I trust that it will. I trust God. I trust Him! That’s huge for me to say.
I am focusing on what I can do to change. Everytime I see him and talk to him, our conversations have gotten better. He tried to engage me in arguing by throwing up things I have done and said in the past (of course my flesh wanted to say, are you freaking kidding me? you are sleeping with another woman right now while we are still fully married), but yes, okay, I said that… I listened while he ranted.
I didn’t defend myself, I simply apologized and said I can’t fix the past, but I am working on me and changing my future. He then told me I’d have to give him my entire savings account to pay for his taxes he owes (this is a BIG one). I swallowed hard, and said, “Okay, you can have it.”
He shut up. He didn’t speak for like 4 minutes. Then said, “Well, I don’t want to spend that money because I like knowing you have that as a safety net for emergencies). He then got right up off his chair and came around the table and hugged me! HE HUGGED ME. Now that ain’t leaving his girlfriend, but it’s something.
So… I read your blog every day (well, I’m not reading the marriage is sexy blog, don’t think I can handle that yet), but I read all the other ones and I love your blog. And you have helped me immensely. Thank you and to my friend for telling the truth. We need to hear it. I know God is doing a great work in me, and I have to trust Him for the rest and leave my husband in His hands. He doesn’t need my help.