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God Stops A Wife's Divorce Plans

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From a reader – WOW!  THIS IS  TOTALLY GOD AT WORK.  AMAZING.  THANK YOU to this wife for allowing me to share.  I know it will challenge and bless many wives!

I wanted to quickly share with you the impact of one of your blogs on my life.

I am currently separated from my husband. I found out 2 days before Thanksgiving that he had been having an affair since around March of that year (2012). Our marriage was a mess, and I suspected and confronted him at least 20 times about stuff that didn’t add up, but the response was always the same; “I’m crazy, all problems are my fault because I’m so untrusting, I’m a B, I’m always fighting with him and accusing him of stuff, etc. etc. etc.”. We weren’t sleeping together anymore because he told me he simply lost his sex drive. He didn’t know why…

Of course I did everything wrong too, I clung even more tightly, I cried everyday, I begged him to love me, I tried seducing him to be rejected time and time again, etc. By the time I found out, I was actually relieved, because at least I wasn’t crazy! So I made him move out.

The roller coaster then began…I wanted a divorce (this is the 3rd time he has cheated on me in 10 years of marriage – we have done the whole counseling and forgiveness route and here we are again…). So, great Christians advised me that it was totally Biblical to divorce him and I believe that myself. However, the problem is I still love my husband. With all his crap, I still love him. So then I changed my mind and wanted reconciliation.

But in my fashion, I told him I wanted it and that we were going to reconcile, so he better get on board. I told him he needed to go to counseling and get fixed… lol (its funny now, but I seriously meant it). I explained to him that this journey would be very long and hard but that we  were going to make it. He yelled at me that I was not going to control this too… That if he was going to come back it would be on HIS terms and not mine.

Then I found out not only was he still seeing her, but he had taken our children to her house on the weekends he had them and they were all being a happy little family together. The rage came then and I wanted to kill him. So then I was really getting a divorce. The kicker came when he took this woman to a public event. Then I lost it. I called him and it was not pretty. N0t at all. I was divorcing him, he was a son of a you know what and she was a you know what and I was getting the kids, getting the house, leaving him the business debt…oh boy. He was just as ugly with me.

And believe it or not, I felt good about it. I was glad to get it all of my chest and I was glad to be finally making the RIGHT decision to divorce him. I would mourn the loss of my marriage and then be done with it. Me and the kids would be just fine.

A DIVINE CALL FROM AN INSPIRED FRIEND

So last Monday morning,  I was all set to start working on the paperwork from the attorney. Then my friend called me. And I was so happy to tell her that I finally was getting the divorce and all the things he did again… She stopped me dead in my tracks by telling me that I was dead wrong. WHAT???????? “But look what he did and has done and for goodness sake, HE IS STILL WITH HER…sleeping with her and God knows what else.” I was sick.

She said she knew it was NOT God’s will for me to file those papers because I was so angry and bitter. Because I was arrogant and hating. That is not God’s way she said.  BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT, was all I could say, ‘ LOOK WHAT HE IS DOING????  She said, “look what you are doing.”

If that friend would have been standing in front of me at that moment I might have taken her down!! I was so mad and upset. BUT LOOK at all he had done to ME. He had broken my heart and ripped apart our family and my little kids cry themselves to sleep at night that their daddy isn’t home. I asked, “What? Am I to just sit around and wait on him to change and decide to come back?” She said, “Of course not, but you are to sit around and wait on the Lord. AND HE will lead you.” She said that I wasn’t healed yet and that God was not going to bless me filing in anger and bitterness.   (From Peacefulwife – THIS is a true friend!!!!!!!!!!  WOW!)

It took me the rest of the day to process all of that and I was not a happy camper. I just wanted it to be over, because at least then, I knew the path I was on. Because I CONTROLLED IT. I am a fixer. A doer, a very successful person in everything I do, because I don’t fail. It’s not in my genes to quit. That’s how I’ve always been and I couldn’t fix this and it was killing me in many many ways. So ending it was how I could just control it. and then move on.

A DIVINE APPOINTMENT WITH THE PEACEFULWIFE BLOG

So…here I am the next morning, and I’m still crying at 6am…and I read your blog about “In Sickness and Health”. And you shared about how for 15 years you were this and you were that (telling my story basically), and then you listed spiritual sicknesses…and I was confronted like a tsunami, with my own selfishness over the last 10 years.

  • My control issues
  • how I knew how to parent better than him (because I have two from a previous marriage)
  • I had the experience not him
  • I had been married before, so I knew “how to do it right”
  • I was very spiritual
  • I sing, I’m on the worship team. He hates singing.
  • I am always in the Bible and praying…he never does.  Obviously I’m the way more spiritual one here.
  • I was critical of the way he handled many things, including our sex life.
  • My husband is extremely good looking and women flirt with him in front of me. Like I’m not even there. So, I have taken it upon myself to make sure I knock him down a peg or two lest he get even more arrogant (he does struggle with arrogance and pride and he definitely knows he is good looking), so I needed to keep him in check.
  • He wanted to go out for drinks with his brother? I pouted and argued and begged him not to, why? Because I felt if I could control his behaviors, he would not cheat again. That worked well.

I am sharing with you all the bad things that God showed me in an instant about myself. All my best intentions to ‘save’ our marriage and help him. But I was selfish, self righteous, prideful, controlling, and extremely disrespectful. I even chased him out of the bedroom one time after he yelled at me that I didn’t respect him at all, and I said, “(Darn) right I don’t, you have to earn respect….”

WOW… as I read your blog and the Lord convicted me of so much, my heart broke. I was so ashamed of my own behaviors and all the anger I had toward him just left me. I felt the Lord say, “Do you think his sins are worse than yours? His are just out there for everyone to see, yours were kept hidden well within this home”.  Ouch.  Then He said (you know what I mean…I don’t hear voices, lol), “You have been begging me to restore your marriage and change your husband. But what if I asked you to take him back just as he is and YOU change?”

GULP, punched in the stomach.

Now don’t get me wrong, my husband is no angel. He has been emotionally and verbally abusive at times in our marriage. but so have I. And, he does have a track record of lying to me and cheating (I believe he has some serious strongholds, but instead of praying diligently, I have just held it against him). But, I felt the Lord tell me to stop looking at him, and just look at myself. Don’t go backward or look too much forward, just look at today and what I can do to change all those nasty little things about myself.

You should probably know I am well respected and everyone loves me! lol I am caring and generous and wonderful and truly love the Lord with all my heart. Go out of my way to help others, volunteer, etc. Yet, to my husband, what have I been? I realized also that I never before really understood that by dishonoring and disrespecting my husband, I was dishonoring my Lord. WOW… I was and still am, a week later, reeling from this.

A NEW WOMAN IN CHRIST – AMAZING!

In the past week, I have texted my husband and told him I do not want a divorce. I apologized to HIM for my selfishness and self righteousness and control and etc., etc., His response was that he had mixed feelings about it. The fact he didn’t scream at me that he hates me and wants the divorce was positive! lol. I know I can’t control what he is doing or the situation. I do pray that God would remove this woman. I pray that he would repent and turn back to God…but mostly I just pray that God’s will be done and I trust that it will. I trust God. I trust Him! That’s huge for me to say.

I am focusing on what I can do to change. Everytime I see him and talk to him, our conversations have gotten better. He tried to engage me in arguing by throwing up things I have done and said in the past (of course my flesh wanted to say, are you freaking kidding me? you are sleeping with another woman right now while we are still fully married), but yes, okay, I said that… I listened while he ranted.

I didn’t defend myself, I simply apologized and said I can’t fix the past, but I am working on me and changing my future. He then told me I’d have to give him my entire savings account to pay for his taxes he owes (this is a BIG one). I swallowed hard, and said, “Okay, you can have it.”

He shut up. He didn’t speak for like 4 minutes. Then said, “Well, I don’t want to spend that money because I like knowing you have that as a safety net for emergencies). He then got right up off his chair and came around the table and hugged me! HE HUGGED ME. Now that ain’t leaving his girlfriend, but it’s something.

So… I read your blog every day (well, I’m not reading the marriage is sexy blog, don’t think I can handle that yet), but I read all the other ones and I love your blog. And you have helped me immensely. Thank you and to my friend for telling the truth. We need to hear it. I know God is doing a great work in me, and I have to trust Him for the rest and leave my husband in His hands. He doesn’t need my help.

29 thoughts on “God Stops A Wife's Divorce Plans

  1. Just wow. This kind of self analysis is incredibly rare (that of the woman who decided to stay, i mean, not the blog host).
    Lets look at how things like this play out in the church culture we have today, and why.

    First, this story could be told with a substituted husband sin, porn, so called emotional abuse or verbal abuse (almost always claimed), neglect, on and on, things that are not biblical grounds for divorce, or, like this woman, an affair by her husband. The church and churchian members response to a woman saying she is fed up and unhappy because of pretty much anything she wants to say would be, at its most aggressive, to recommend counseling (wink wink, you know, to fix the husband). They may then end up in counseling, and the man who genuinely wants to stay married-which is the majority-will take on more and more accountability for his behavior. Men around him will openly hold him to account.

    The woman however would not receive advice like this woman got by revelation. And the simple fact, and point of my comment, is that women do not hold women boldly to account like this woman’s friend did. Ive watched this drama play out from inside it and from outside it and Ive seen women come to these conclusions (rarely, but yes), and I cannot say I have EVER known if the first encountered resistance to her divorce urge to have come from a woman friend or counselor. Its as rare as unobtainium. I have known women to be boldly paused because a man in their life, father, brother, challenged them, yet even that is exceedingly rare.

    My wife recently faced this dilemma, her friend was going to divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage, and there was not porn (which is not adultery nor biblical grounds for divorce even though it is sinful and a horrible practice), abuse, infidelity. My wife wrote her friend a long email with lots of scriptures. It was so gentle I felt it needed more moxie, but my wife worried herself sick it was to harsh and she’d lose the friend. It had its effect and the divorce was stopped, but it was a far cry from plain truth as Id have said it.

    Women, you absolutely MUST take the risk of losing friendships in order to hold each other accountable. Men will either support other men’s sins, laughing and telling each other of sexual conquests, ignore them, or most often among Christian men…..boldly BOLDLY hold one another to account. There is no endless gnashing or teeth worrying is he will be offended. I want to highlight that step in the process that occurred in the story, leading the woman to consider herself. It was a bold friend willing to TELL her she was making a mistake. Then she opened herself to seeing her role in the situation, and that marriage will not simply be saved, it will be changed far to the better.

  2. Praying for this wife. I hope she keeps us posted– I look forward to seeing how the Lord works His good in this situation and restores this marriage! 🙂

  3. Me and my husband have been in a very similar situation. during our seperation is when i found this blog. It helped me also to cope. It inspired me many times. God also stopped me from filing for divorce and even stopped my husband a few times.

  4. This is so real it hurts!! Prayers for this marriage and deep thanks to this woman for sharing her story (warts and all!) to show the difference in what these ways of thinking and being do, and the real heart effort it takes to change!! (And even the note about hearing God but not actual voices – so helpful!)

    1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this wife’s story. This is the kind of things where you KNOW God is at work. This is not her being the hero. This is God convicting a woman of her own sin. God’s voice isn’t soft and warm and fuzzy when we have sin. We hear painful things from Him when we are sinning. And we NEED to hear Him! He can get rid of the sin and restore us to His peace and joy. I NEVER get tired of seeing how God works in marriages and families. This is AWESOME!

  5. Thank you. So real and relatable it hurts. God spoke to me too and told me to stay with my husband even though in my heart I didn’t want to. “you don’t understand God I just don’t like him anymore!” So disrespectful and selfish right. It never occurred to me that it was my heart that needed radical change. Because he sinned against me then I thought it was up to him to treat me better, be a real man and earn my respect and love back. Phew this is hard. April, thank you for posting this lady’s words I really need to hear them. God is using your blog to help marriages. I thank God for you in my prayers.

    1. Tam – I am SO EXCITED about what God is doing in you, your marriage, your husband and your family. I am praying for you! Thank you for sharing your heart. I can’t wait to hug your neck and hope to see you Sunday. 🙂 This IS VERY, VERY HARD STUFF. And it is the way to God’s abundant life, peace, power and joy! 🙂 XXX

  6. Wow, what a friend!! We often times forget that we need to pull a few weeds before criticizing others especially our spouses. I am guilty of that as well. Husband has slacked off in serving The Lord, church, Bible reading, praying, & partaking in worldliness aka drinking/swearing by way of friends that either do not believe in God or attend the new feel good churches. I had briefly spoke to an assistant pastor who’s our age at church about some of it and it hit me…….Don’t push him to grow closer let my actions be the window for him to see & a door for him to walk thru. Small baby steps but some day we’ll get there!!! In the mean time I am working on pulling some weeds as cleaning up my garden! Sin is Sin no matter what the sin is. It is not my place to pick his sin apart wen I have a few deep dark secrets of my own.

  7. Wow! This story sounds so similar to mine as well. Just wow. The controlling , self righteousness, disrespectful wife –It was all me. Crying. Lord help me. Thank God I am so Glad I found this blog and read this post!

  8. This was really, really, really difficult to read. God is BIG and it’s amazing that this wife has given the control over to God! Pray for me as I have huge control (and insecurity) issues. Thank you to Peaceful Wife, and to the author of this article/segment.

    1. Growing wife,
      Yes, this is a very raw, painful struggle. And the journey ahead of this wife is long and difficult. Please pray with me for God’s healing for her and this marriage and God to bring her husband back to Himself. I pray for God’s glory in your marriage, too! You are welcome to email me at aprilc@sc.rr.com if you want to talk about your struggles. :). Much love to you!

  9. I’m thinking as I read this how good it might be for some good, Christian men to approach these guys involved in infidelity and seriously confront their sin. I’m really thinking outloud at this point, but inasmuch as you are doing great work with women in these cases (and let’s not forget the women involved in the affairs as well) that the men involved in infidelity need agressive intervention and confrontation.
    Just my thoughts.

    1. Todd, I completely agree! we need accountability of some type and so many times there is no accountability among our Christian brothers and sisters.

      I actually do have several posts about this for wives, holding them accountable not to have close male friends, private messages, flirting, private meetings with men and talking about not caving in to the temptation of adultery.

      But it has been awhile since I ran those posts. Might be a good time to run one again.

      Peacefulwife.com

      1. You bring up a great point April. Women who confide in men who are not their husbands are sending DANGEROUS signals. As a man, even a single one, I need to be cognizant of this and not even allow myself to engage a married woman in such a way. It’s difficult, because I want to be sociable and friendly, but I know how I react to a woman who suddenly values my input and then, though she means it much differently than I interpret it, she touches my arm or hugs me. That’s a slippery slope, ladies. May I suggest you don’t do that.
        Let’s all work together to encourage each other in our fidelity.

        1. Todd,

          This is one reason why I have to be so careful with men even on my blog. This blog is an oasis of respect in a vast desert of disrespect. God showed me in September that I have to carefully guard my heart. I am not above temptation. I can give empathy and respect to husbands – but I have to be so very careful. They don’t need ME. I can’t be the woman to start lavishing respect on men full blast even thought I know what they need and how to do it. They need their own wives’ respect and they need God. It is a very conscious thing for me to guard my own marriage and my heart constantly. Satan would love to take any of us down – and I know I am a target. I am a wretched sinner, too. I need Jesus desperately. I SO desire to honor God and my husband and marriage. I would rather God take me home instead of me dishonoring Him or my marriage.

          Check out my posts:

          The second post was inspired by a wife who wrote to me. She DID have an affair in spite of my counsel and divorced her husband against my counsel. God told me to let her go. I did. But I prayed and prayed. And guess what? God brought her back to Himself and her husband back to Himself and they are beginning to reconcile. It is a long road still, but God has done MIRACLES in their marriage!

          Our God is sovereign, mighty and powerful! He is SO VERY GOOD.

          Praying for God’s greatest glory in your life, Todd!

  10. I can’t believe I haven’t seen this post before. Thanking God for leading me to it. I needed to see an example of a wife dealing with multiple affairs and what she’s doing while the husband is not at the point of repentance yet. Wow. This has been so encouraging to me, also very sobering as it points me back to my sin and what I need to focus on.

  11. WOW!! This is exactly what I’m going through. Except the affair is an emotional one with a co-worker. Wondering if there is an update to this post and what the outcome is?

  12. Hi April
    I wanted to know if you could forward my email to the woman who wrote this post? I’d like to talk to her and see how things have been going since 2013. Thanks so much !
    Antonija

My grandmother is on hospice and won't be with us much longer (11-30-16). I will get to comments when I am able to but I need to be with family right now. Thanks for understanding.

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