Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction

Married Christians CAN and SHOULD have the best sex lives on the planet.  God will show us how if we are willing to do things His way!

When God designed marriage, men, women, masculinity, femininity, romance, sex and families – He did it WISELY. And when He gives us commands about marriage, it is for our protection, good, joy and benefit in every area of our lives.

God wired men to respond to respect, admiration, faith and trust of their wives.  And He wired us to feel attracted to our husbands when we respect them, too.  It’s a win/win!  I have seen this time and time again – when the wife begins to obey God and learn to respect her husband and step down out of control, sexual intimacy often heats up.  It makes total sense!

The more feminine I am – in appearance, in attitude (gentle, respectful, trusting, admiring, cooperative, peaceful, not giving way to fear), in behavior – the more masculine my husband feels – and the greater the attraction!

**  If you have active infidelity, drug/alcohol abuse, a history of sexual abuse, uncontrolled mental conditions, physical abuse in your marriage – please find a godly, experienced Christian counselor/pastor ASAP and get help!
 
It can take TIME, like months or even a year or longer for marriages to heal sometimes.  The timing and the results are in God’s hands.  It is our job to obey Him. (Please check out Patricia’s comments in the comment section, too, for more clarification about how to approach this issue with patience, understanding and without pressuring our husbands!)

WHAT OTHER WIVES ARE EXPERIENCING

Wife 1:

I had realized that I was still trying to control that aspect of things and realized that I was literally tensing up. Once I mentally and physically relaxed, it was quite a difference for the better.  Things have never lacked in that dept, but I did find that I wasn’t as excited as I used to be in the earlier years, but my attitude has gone a long way to change that and make it “new” again. :)

Wife 2:

Since being married, I have always viewed sex as an inconvenience.   Like something I HAD to do, but if it was up to me I could go my whole life without it. I enjoy it once it gets going, but the getting started is just too much trouble and I’m usually too tired at the end of the day. And a lot of the time it would actually get on my nerves!!
WELL, I have been following your advice about submission and respect strictly for the past 4 weeks and in the last week the change in my husband is huge!!

He’s sweet, tender, affectionate and considerate of my feelings!! I have also noticed that I…..get in the mood easier/faster and enjoy it more. And where usually once I have done my “duty” (that’s how I used to look at it) I would look forward to not being bothered about it for a few days. I actually catch myself thinking about having sex with my husband during the day, and for the first time since we’ve been married– we had sex 2 nights in a row.

This has been an amazing week!! I had get to where I will still submit and respect him even if he never changes. And I do it out of obedience to God, not to change him. It’s like the moment I decided that, the atmosphere in our home and marriage changed. I don’t feel like I’m doing much different, but I think it’s my countenance behind my actions that is different. Does that make sense?  It’s an amazing revelation once it sinks in. And it’s very powerful too!!

I have such a peace and feel great!!

Wife 3:

Our marriage was strained before God changed my heart; there was a lot of unspoken struggles going on between us. There was an obvious tension in the air.
Realizing and accepting God’s plan for my role in our marriage was like the missing piece to the puzzle. I struggled for a while, since submission definitely does not come naturally, but once I trusted God and let go, it was as if I was free. Free of the weight of the burden I had been trying to carry, and free to love my husband in the way God intended.
When I stepped into my role in our marriage, my husband gladly stepped forward into the leader position of our family. He was able to look at me as an equal partner rather than his competition. He became the man of the house in every sense of the word. He now pursues me like he did when we were dating. He is tender and loving toward me now that he no longer feels that his manhood is being threatened. His confidence is much higher because he knows that I support him 100%. I have always had a strong sexual desire for my husband, but in the beginning of our marriage, I would often find myself feeling emotionally unfulfilled after sex. I believe allowing God to fulfill my emotional needs and aligning my marriage plan with His has changed that completely.
The book Love & Respect talks a lot about the cycle of how once a man’s desire to be respected is filled, he will desire to show love toward his wife. This translates well into the bedroom! A submissive, respecting & loving wife is very feminine and sexy to a man. And a man who is confident and knows his wife loves him (remember: to a man, respect equals love!) is eager to please her in every way.
I won’t beat around the bush – our sex life is red hot!!! My husband knows I have his full confidence, so there is a deep trust which allows us to intimately connect inside the bedroom & out. And as I said, he pursues me on a daily basis – he can hardly walk by without touching me, and I love it! I can tell you it has less to do with my outward appearance (like most moms, I look different now that I have had children!) but more to do with the change that has taken place in my heart. (See 1 Peter 3:3-4) He feels safe with me, and I feel safe with him; so I feel free to be uninhibited during sex, which makes it more enjoyable for both of us.
 

Wife 4:

We usually don’t go for a long time without sex- even before I followed God’s guidelines to Biblical submission.I admit, though, that for me there were times when I think, ok when are we done with this? NOW, however, it is just amazing- for me and for him. We went away for our anniversary recently so we were alone, no children, romantic setting, no time constraints… and I can’t go into details because this isn’t THAT kind of blog- but it was WOW for both of us.  The only thing that is preventing us from repeating that experience more often is our children and him starting work at 4am and me working until 6pm and both being tired at the end of the day. So we wait (not so patiently) for the weekend.

I asked my husband what he wants for Valentine’s Day (thinking tangible present wise) and he simply said, a repeat of that amazing bedroom time during our little getaway.

Wife 5:

I am very new to this, as you know :)) but in the past I have found sadly to my hurt that my husband has been the most attracted to me sexually when I have been unwell or hurting from something and he has to hold me or comfort me with words. It struck me this week, the reason that has been happening is because it was the only time I showed my vulnerability and needed his strength … The only really sad thing is it was times like these I was closest to my children and we also loved in a new level during those times, I was dependent on someone else to take care of things coz I couldn’t. I was soft and grateful and and gentle.
How amazing it will be as this transforming of my mind and our roles happen that he will get to see that real me without the need for illness or personal hurt :). We are only one week into this and my husband can’t keep his hands from touching my shoulder, arm, holding me when I am standing at the counter top, waking me every morning with ” Hello, beautiful wife of mine!”

Maybe because I am in that quiet phase and he’s not fighting to be heard.
I never realised how much I have missed as to how my children and husband look, when you look into their eyes and listen, they really have beautiful faces.
Obeying God works , even if it means dying to some old junk.

Wife 6:

Before I learned about being a godly wife and what all of that meant, I was controlling in every area of our marriage – including  physical intimacy.  I was always the aggressor – the initiator.  And I initiated daily many times – trying to keep my husband from other temptations and trying to connect with him sexually since I felt so disconnected emotionally and spiritually.  I tried to take on the responsibility of keeping his thought life pure and thought if we had sex daily, it would help him feel fulfilled and he wouldn’t be as tempted to look elsewhere.  That was a HEAVY weight.  I also measured the quality of our marriage by our frequency of intimacy.  And I was rejected multiple times per week for many years – not with words, but just by his lack of interest and lack of response.  The pain from that was excruciating.  I cried and fell into despair many times over this issue.   And that made me want to prove to myself even more that my husband really did desire me.  So I would pursue him even more intently, and he continued to reject me about 3/4 of the time or so.  I never rejected him.  And he never initiated.  (Of course, I didn’t give him much of a chance!)

I actually had a hard time sleeping many nights because I constantly was trying to be “ready” in case he might accept me – and then there was the HUGE let down when he didn’t want me again and it would take a long time to go to sleep and calm down when I felt so rejected and defeated so much.

It was not until after I learned about giving up my controlling behavior and disrespect that I realized that he needed to be the one who pursued me, I had things backwards.  My disrespect and my sexual aggression were a complete turn off to him .  I had no idea how men worked!

It was SO HARD, but I started waiting and waiting and waiting for him to initiate.  I think it took about 6 weeks at first.  It took me a lot longer to “warm up” to his advances by that time because I wasn’t “simmering” all the time like I used to – I had finally figured out how to turn myself off – and it was a relief.  But it was WONDERFUL to see my husband finally desire me and pursue me.  I never thought I would experience that again!

Sometimes, these days, my husband hugs me for no reason.  He touches me when he goes by sometimes.  He listens to my feelings intently.  He cares what I think and want.  He stops everything to give me his full attention now, if I ask for it.  He winks at me again.  Occasionally, he will literally pick me up and sweep me off my feet and carry me to our room.  SERIOUSLY.   I thank God EVERY DAY for what He has done in our marriage!

THAT NEVER, EVER USED TO HAPPEN!

After another month or two, he asked me if I  would initiate again sometimes and told me he missed me doing that.  WOW!  Now, he initiates often, and I do sometimes, too.  But I don’t smother him and I also know that if he is too tired one night, it does not mean he doesn’t want me and doesn’t desire me and doesn’t love me.  And I am able to be unshaken even in the face of what used to feel like rejection.  Now, I am confident in Christ’s love for me, and in my husband’s love for me.

I am uninhibited.  I am able to talk and tell him what I like – I was NEVER that vulnerable before!  I ask him to talk to me – and he does!  We have such an incredible sexual connection, emotional connection and spiritual connection – it is the marriage I always thought we would have.  It’s not perfect.  But I am utterly content and completely sexually fulfilled, satisfied, joyful and grateful for the privilege of being married to my amazing man – God’s gift to me.  I feel more sexy, feminine, powerful, peaceful, joyful, alive and full of purpose than I ever have in my life.  I LOVE being a woman now – I embrace and cherish the gift of God’s plan for femininity.  How I wish I had understood all of this YEARS ago!  You could not pay me any amount of money to go back to my old ways!  I’m the happiest girl on the planet!

Wife 7:

I just wanted to share something with you, that as a Christian woman, I did NOT expect to happen in my marriage.

The last few months really, this idea of submission and respect have been eating away at me. Our marriage has definitely had its ups and downs, and more often than not the “downs” were directly caused by my disrespectful (or worse) actions and attitudes. See, I am what you call a “difficult” women. I am high strung, independent, strong willed, domineering, and a bit of a smart mouth know-it-all. I am well educated and considered very intelligent, which has been a source of pride in my life. I married a very kind, laid back, gentle man, who sadly has allowed me to walk all over him. To make a long story short, I ran him over in our relationship. Not physically of course, but relationally and emotionally. I pushed him around, argumentatively. He never stood up to me, for himself, and I think in a way, deep down inside, I really wished he had. Who can respect or admire a spineless pushover? I am a strong women, but I have come to realize that I crave a strong man who can keep me in line. I despised myself for acting that way, and him for putting up with it.

After praying about it and thinking about it for a few days, I approached him, and I think gave him quite a shock! I apologized for the strife that my disrespect and domination have caused in our marriage, and our home. Then I told him, I really need for him to be in charge. I needed him to “wear the pants”, and as needed to put me in line. Several weeks ago I had handed over the control of the finances to him, and it really worked out well… I am free to offer polite suggestions, or ask questions respectfully, but he has the final say, and that is that, end of discussion.

What that means in our daily life, is if he wants me to wear a particular thing, I do. If he wants my long hair to be down, it’s down.  He expects me to answer him if he asks for my opinion on something. I have given him complete control, and in return, he puts my needs first. Not always my wants, but my needs. I don’t always have to like it, but I have to obey it. Sometimes that means he wants me to take a nap, because he knows I was up with the baby during the night. Sometimes that means he wants me to be showered and dolled up when he gets home from work. I can’t tell you the butterflies I had in my stomach all day, when he casually told me that, before he left for work! Sometimes that means he wants to hold my hand and watch a movie with me. He arranged to take our oldest 3 kids to a birthday party this Saturday, and he told me he would like me to have some “me time” just me and the baby.

Here is the unexpected part.

I didn’t expect to feel so free. I didn’t expect to feel so weightless. I didn’t expect to feel so secure and happy. I didn’t lose myself, I feel like I have FINALLY found myself!

To have him firmly take charge of the family, including and especially of me, has given me the most delicious peace I have ever felt. And, most surprising of all, I didn’t expect it all to be so wildly erotic! I am not kidding! It’s crazy, but I wish the “older women” who are supposed to be teaching the “younger women” would have mentioned that somewhere along the line!

It makes sense in a primal sort of way, God made the males of nearly every type of animal to be the strong defender and protector, to take charge and dominate. When we are not emasculating them with our attitudes and castrating them with our words, when we submit ourselves to their control, it is intensely pleasurable, for both parties.

Now that my husband knows he has 100% control of me, and our family, he has become a new manHe stands taller. His confidence has shot up. He is more…..ruggedly masculine. He is sexier! He is flexing his power, and finding that it’s good, for both of us! He is more relaxed, and so am I. When I think back to how our love life changed, when I was constantly putting him down, demanding, rude…..it totally killed both my libido, and his. No wonder! Somewhere along the line I think that a lot of Christian men (and women) got the idea that “good guys” are wimps. Nothing is further from the truth. In my mind, there is no true goodness without strength. And nothing makes me go weak in the knees like MY man, secure in his God-given strength, in his proper place as MAN of our house! Talk about make a girl swoon! Lol.
So, I had no idea, but there is nothing sexier than my man, taking control of our family, and of me, for my own good! Long before trashy novels and dime store romances, God knew that what a women truly wanted and needed was a strong man, stronger than her, strong enough to not be pushed around by her, strong but GOOD. I gladly entrust myself to such a man.

Instead of “I am woman, hear me roar!”,”I am woman, hear me purr!”

It’s the craziest thing, but I feel more complete, more feminine, more ME than I ever did when I was fighting him for control all the time. I look back now and wonder if I was so busy fighting for crumbs, that I missed the feast God had for me all along.

So, maybe you have addressed this in your blog, I don’t know. But I think somebody should put it out there, lol.

Submission, it’s better than Viagra!  *blush*

Wife 8:

Wowsa!!

Thanks so much for your most recent posts about our attitude toward sex in our marriages! (Post 1Post 2Post 3)  What a difference they have made for me ~ and in just a few days!!! My hubby and I have been married for nearly 9 years, and we went through a “Marriage for Life” class through our past church while we were newly-weds … so we immediately were taught the differences between men and women, our differing roles and how blessed these differences are. I immediately understood his need for the physical, and he immediately understood my need for the emotional … and as we’ve grown in our faith and spent more and more time in the Word, we’ve learned so much about not depriving one another. So, out of love for my husband, even if I didn’t necessarily ‘feel like it’, there were times I would ‘submit to his needs’. Ugh, just saying that sounds so … well, sterile I guess. LOL.

But, I thought I was loving him and being submissive to his needs in this, but I know he could tell when I really wasn’t ‘into’ it, and him being a most unselfish husband I know that his desire is to please me and how hurtful it must have been for him in those moments that I was merely fulfilling my ‘wifely duty’ ~ double ugh … since reading your posts and learning more about how respecting my husband really looks, I am understanding that my desire for him is directly linked to my respect and ADMIRATION of him.

So, in the last couple of weeks I’ve committed to dolling up for him (almost daily now), giving him a kiss when he walks in the door from work and being available to him, and I hug him longer and tighter, and walk over and give him a random kiss for no reason. And for the past few days, I have been receptive to his advances without inhibition and with gladness and joy (even some playful initiation) … and I’ve noticed that just being more available to him has created a refreshed desire for him in me and I find myself anticipating our next encounter … WOW ~ submission really is better than Viagra!

42 Comments on “Respect, Biblical Submission and Sexual Attraction”

  1. Crystal Blount
    March 4, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    There is something very attractive about a man who is in charge…confident….a leader… in control. It’s a big turn on for me… a man who knows how to use that control in a loving way. Most of us wives have those kind of men, but we (meaning me) have to get our fearful, hurt, angry, mistrusting, jealous, stubborn, controlling, naggy, manipulative, selfish etc. desires out of the way and be ladies and allow ourselves to be led! Prayer is helping with that!

    • peacefulwife
      March 4, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

      SO TRUE! :)

    • Nadia Hernandez
      June 19, 2013 at 10:42 am #

      You hit the nail on the head, I’m still working on this as a fairly new wife. It seems impossible at times for me to totally let myself be vulnerable. I try to even control how he drives sometimes. :S

    • alana
      December 28, 2013 at 5:22 pm #

      that is so true I am the controlling type and submission is very hard for me but it’s amzing how I am not attracted to guys I can easily control but to those who put their feet down it’s a real turn on

  2. nikole
    March 12, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    I thank all of your wonderful women of god sharing your stories. i’ve been married for three years and yes it would have been nice to have this type of guidance in my marriage earlier but ive learned from the site what a wife looks like.

    • peacefulwife
      March 12, 2013 at 8:37 pm #

      Nikole,

      Thank you for your comment! I agree – I can’t imagine what a different marriage we could have had if I had this information 19 years ago!?!?! But – I am so thankful that God is giving it to us now and opening our eyes to it now. And now we can pass it along to others and I pray this generation will burst forth as a godly generation – putting God first and committed to doing things His way. Then our children will be so richly blessed! Much love to you!

  3. LisainVermont
    April 26, 2013 at 8:22 pm #

    Wow. I know this is an old post, but I just read it and it’s just speaking to me in such an amazing, personal way.

    I am exactly like wife #6. Her story is my story; her pain is my pain. I never thought that my behavior could lead my husband to reject me.

    I’ll definitely be trying to emulate some of the positive changes she made in her marriage to see if they will help my situation.

    Thanks for posting this. It’s a difficult subject, but one that a lot of women have questions/concerns about.

    • peacefulwife
      April 26, 2013 at 8:46 pm #

      LisainVermont,

      Yes – this is one of my favorite posts! I saw a huge increase in passion in my husband when I began obeying GOd, stopping all that unintentional disrespect and control and learned to respect and trust him and show appreciation and honor for him.

      You always read and hear that “men want sex all the time” and it is SO PAINFUL when you feel rejected by your own husband. Many husbands have written to me about this – that disrespect kills their desire for their wives. That is not the only reason for lack of libido in husbands, but it is definitely one to consider near the top of the list!

      It can take a long time of being respectful before a husband really feels safe like “Yes, this is for real and she has truly changed.” Ultimately – the results are in God’s hands. But as you obey God, God will give you His peace and joy and spiritual strength you have never had before. And He can give you the power and grace to wait patiently as He works on your husband.

      If the wounds are very deep, it can take many months or even years for a husband to come around. But if the wounds aren’t as severe, sometimes there can be a big difference in a few weeks. It just depends on a lot of variables.

      If you do these things to change your husband- you won’t see results. But if you do them to honor God – God will change you and He can heal your marriage in His timing and His power and His way with you as His partner.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! I’m here if you want to talk! aprilc@sc.rr.com

  4. Doreen
    October 2, 2013 at 5:49 am #

    this is so great, we thank God for wonderful and matured women of God like you, who are ready to share. I have been married for only 6 months, thank God my husband is an obedient servant of God and so it has made things very easy so far. But i am grateful to god for leading me to the peacefulwives blog, i believe it will make things even better. God bless you and i hope to learn more.

    • peacefulwife
      October 2, 2013 at 6:29 am #

      Doreen,

      I’m so glad that God is using this blog to bless you. :) Please pray for God to empower me to only speak His truth and to present it clearly. Thank you!!

  5. mysterytopursue
    March 18, 2014 at 1:22 pm #

    Do you have anything on the husband not liking to touch? As in, if he doesn’t like me touching him (hugs, kisses and holding hands are always begged and initiated by me). Even during sex, there’s nothing other than the “act”. It really breaks me. I love him and I know he loves me but he says he’s never liked being touched by anyone, not even family or friends. I just thought it would be different with his wife (me) but it isn’t. It isn’t trauma so I don’t know what it could be. I don’t even know what to pray for. Is it wrong to pray for him to change? I feel like I’ve tried everything. But he doesn’t like anything that has to do with touch. Even when we sleep we have to have a lot of distance from each other otherwise he doesn’t like it. What makes it worse is that my love language is touch. We’ve been married for 6 months now and I feel so lonely. The thing is, he is my best friend, so it seems like I just live with a man who’s my best friend and we share beds because we have to.

    • peacefulwife
      March 18, 2014 at 1:57 pm #

      Mysterytopursue,

      Thanks for this question! It is a good one. A hard one, too.

      Are his parents affectionate?

      Has he ever been diagnosed with anything like Asperger’s or anything similar?

      What was he like before marriage?

      So – you can tell him what you like. You can ask for what you like – occasionally. But the more you try to force him, the more you will repel him, in my view.

      My husband sleeps apart from me, too. I used to get so upset when we were first married because he turned away from me to go to sleep. I took that very personally. Now I know that he just likes to sleep on that side and that he likes being on a certain side of the bed. It is not personal. It is not a rejection of me. It is just how is likes to sleep.

      I used to take the things he did as personal rejection. That made everything SO HARD! I assumed he had evil and unloving motives towards me. He didn’t. But I responded to him as if he did – and I deeply hurt him and pushed him much, much farther away.

      Have you read “I’m Going to Stop Pursuing My Husband?”

      Or “Bitterness of Soul”?

      A Fellow Wife – who wrote both posts- has a similar scenario in her marriage. They have been married for over 10 years.

      It’s ok to say, “I feel lonely. Would you please hold me for 10 minutes?” with a smile on your face and a friendly tone of voice. But then, let him decide if and when and how he wants to do it. And be gracious if he doesn’t do it.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      If he really loves having sex with you – he probably wants to see you happy, as well. You can say, “I love it when you do X…” or “It would turn me on so much if you would…” or “Can we take a bath together first?” Or “Would you please give me a massage to help me get ready?” or “I love it when you kiss me and play with my hair through the day – it makes me want you so much.”

      There were several long stretches in our marriage when Greg barely spoke to me, barely touched me and barely looked at me. I was devastated. Now, I know that a lot of it was my disrespect and control. As I backed off and began to be content in Christ alone and stopped pressuring him and pushing him, he began to come to me more. Not as much as I would have wanted – but a lot more than he did before.

      Some of this may be his personality. It will be important to accept him even if he never changes.

      Some of this will be about learning to respectfully ask for what you would like – not all the time – but sometimes – and then being able to accept yes or no graciously.

      Will he let you touch him for awhile and cuddle up to him for a few minutes before he goes to sleep? Will he let you sit beside him on the couch? What does he like? What do you do when you don’t get what you want?

      Let’s walk through this together, ok?

      • mysterytopursue
        March 18, 2014 at 3:13 pm #

        Thank you so much for your response. Let me try to outline a bit more. His parents show(ed) affection normally to him and his siblings (that like it), but he says that when he was a child he didn’t like hugs or being embraced. He hasn’t ever been diagnosed with Asperger’s, just Synesthesia, but that doesn’t affect anything in our relationship. Before marriage he wouldn’t act as the “normal” guy would because he wouldn’t like to kiss or hug or cuddle or even hold hands, only very rarely when we were by ourselves. It didn’t affect me that much because I just thought he didn’t want to have any temptations. Although not wanting to “freely” hold my hand (without me doing it first or asking) made me sad. We talked about it then and he said he just wasn’t used to it, and that’s not the way he shows love. Everyone kept saying that when men marry they want lots of sex and physical touch, so I was just waiting to marry for things to be “normal”, but that never happened. Also, he’s not into porn or gay.

        I know he doesn’t mean to reject me and doesn’t have an evil intent because he keeps saying he loves me and thinks highly of me (and I know he means it), but deep down it hurts so much not being touched, I can compare myself to a leper.

        It’s good to know it’s more “normal” to not sleep cuddled up. I guess what we fantasise in our minds have to do with the films and pictures we see of couples sleeping together in a spoon way or hugging each other… which is just not at all true in my case.

        I tell him what I like and don’t like but it doesn’t make much difference. If I say I’d like to cuddle he’ll do it, but only for a few seconds then say he’s uncomfortable. So I feel bad for making him do it, even though he agrees to do it. But I also feel bad when he doesn’t. When that happens I normally cry and tell him we need to compromise with a middle term but then we agree a middle term doesn’t exist.

        He says it hurts him that I’m not satisfied with who his is and even though I always try to explain and ask things in a loving way and not mention it all the time I see what he means. Either way one of us suffers. It’s like a lose-lose situation.

        About asking him to do stuff like bathing or massaging or playing with my hair or things like that, I’ve already tried but he either has an excuse or doesn’t do it properly. Like, when he will shower with me but not touch me (just looking is enough for him) and just push on my back once as a massage and say it’s silly, and say he’s not touchy to not play with my hair.

        He really like compliments and eating and cooking with me. I try to do it a lot for him. He likes sex too, but just to release the tension (or so it seems), not really for anything else. He says he feels closer to me after having sex which is good. The thing is, if it is embedded in is personality and never changes, I’m going to suffer a lot. It’s only been 6 months and I already feel filthy and horrible.

        My relationship with Christ is going well, and his too. Everything is going well except the touchy thing. I’ve read those two posts a few months ago but will read them again, thank you.

        We talked about going to counselling but it seems so weird for a newly-wed to go to counselling. I’m so desperate. And we’re both very hurt. Even though everything else is fine, this has become such a major issue that it gobbles up all the good things. ;’(

        Thank you again for listening to me!

        • peacefulwife
          March 18, 2014 at 4:54 pm #

          Mysterytopursue,

          Well… There is good news and bad news here I think.

          It seems to me that he did not change, that there was no bait and switch. He was pretty straightforward about how he felt about affection before marriage.

          The good news is, you can learn to interpret his love and hear his love in the ways that he displays love for you.

          And, the good news is, you can learn to be completely content in this situation in Christ.

          And, the good news is that sex is probably a lot more than just a physical release for him, it is probably a very emotional and spiritual connection for him, too.

          And the good news is, you can choose whether you are going to suffer in this marriage or whether you are going to savor this marriage even though your husband may not change.

          The bad news is, you can’t change your husband. I mean, you can look at that as bad news.

          But you don’t have to suffer. That is your choice. You can choose to resent him for being who he is or you can choose in God’s power to accept him and build him up and enjoy him.

          We can talk more soon!

          Much love
          April

          • peacefulwife
            March 18, 2014 at 5:04 pm #

            Mysterytopersue,
            There is nothing wrong with going to counseling now! even if you just go yourself. Did you have premarital counseling at all. Did y’all discuss this issue?

            • peacefulwife
              March 18, 2014 at 5:07 pm #

              Oh! And… If you can focus on the things he does well and thank and appreciate him for those things, that will be a big help and huge step towards healing. And thank him for sex, and thank him for even a minute of sitting beside you. You may be able to start by just asking for a minute of cuddling, set a timer, and then thank him with a big smile. It is possible he may be able to learn to give more affection, I just don’t know how deep his aversion to affection is. But that could be something a counselor may be able to help with.

              But even if he never changes, there is hope in Christ. You CAN have total joy and peace in Him through this! I promise! That decision is entirely up to you. You have all the control over your emotions and whether you will be content in Jesus or not.

          • mysterytopursue
            March 19, 2014 at 12:07 pm #

            Thank you again for taking time to write this down. Sometimes the truth hurts a lot and I guess this is one of those cases. It’s difficult because people don’t talk about these things. I guess it’s because they aren’t very common. Thank you so much, April. May God continue blessing you. You’ve helped so many people.

            • peacefulwife
              March 19, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

              Mysterytopursue,
              Actually, what you are describing is much more common than you would imagine. It just isn’t talked about.

              I am not saying that there is no hope he will ever be affectionate. He may! But – your power and sanity will rest in accepting him as he is and in finding all of your contentment in Christ alone – that is true for ALL of us as wives no matter what our particular difficulties and struggles might be.

              It is possible that as you are not pressuring him and he doesn’t feel like such a failure, he may get some courage to try to stretch out of his comfort zone. But – even if he does not – you can have a beautiful, amazing, intimate, strong, vibrant marriage to the degree that you are willing to completely yield yourself to Christ and walk in His power.

              I believe God will use this trial to draw you to Himself, to help you see how much He longs for closeness to you, and to help you learn to depend on Him more than ever. Actually, I believe that one day, you will see this trial as a blessing.

              There are MANY wives here who have similar situations. You are not alone. This problem is not impossible. It just needs the power of God. :)

              I’m very glad to walk beside you on this road.

              • peacefulwife
                March 19, 2014 at 12:55 pm #

                MTP,
                I am doing a poll today of my readers – to try to get a better picture of what real life sex lives and real life married affection is like. Maybe we can look at the results together later. :)

              • peacefulwife
                March 21, 2014 at 1:39 pm #

                Mysterytopursue,

                Ok, so the survey results now have about 430 women responding. That is a pretty decent sample size. :)

                Let’s talk about what we are seeing there.

                Only 18% say that they fall asleep in each other’s arms. Most couples are not touching as they go to sleep. There were a lot of extra comments on this one – showing that many couples don’t go to bed at the same time or don’t even sleep in the same bed at times. Some couples cuddle for awhile before bed – but not that many people are spooning all night like they portray on TV. You know why? Probably because people’s arms would fall asleep if they do that all night! :) A lot of people need their own space to be able to go to sleep. That’s ok. :)

                Only 38% of women say their husband never turns them down sexually. MANY, MANY wives get rejected by their husbands at times. Some are always sexually rejected by their husbands. I am REALLY glad that you and your husband are having sex. That is such a blessing!

                There is a percentage of men who were not very affectionate before marriage. Several of the wives in that situation talk about that in the poll results.

                Affection after marriage seems to have declined a lot in many marriages. I think there are a lot of explanations for that. I hope to do a survey of men, too. But, it is my understanding that most men value sexual touching a lot more than affectionate touching.

                76% of wives say that their husband’s affection is very important or extremely important to them. Only 3% don’t like their husband’s affection. Affection tends to be a VERY big thing for women. I don’t think most men realize this!

                It is not wrong for us to love affection, just like it is not wrong for them to love sex. But – I do think that there is much hope for you and that there are ways to communicate your needs and desires without pressuring your husband. I also believe that it is possible to give him some grace for just having a very different personality and different needs from yours. I believe that God can bring healing here.

                I hope to talk more about some of these topics in future weeks.

                I hope that maybe these poll questions might help you to see that you are not the only one in this situation and that there are a number of other wives in this situation, as well. Sometimes conflicting needs and desires in marriage are DIFFICULT to deal with – but – God is completely able to use all of this for good for you and for His glory.

                How are you feeling about things today? I wish I could hug your neck!

                You may want to read the comments on the poll post. I think they may be comforting in some ways – this was a painful subject for so many wives!

  6. Jeff
    April 27, 2014 at 7:20 pm #

    What I keep hearing is that women do not want to relinquish control and authority. I know that I need to “take over.” There is so much damage in so many areas that I’m not sure where to start. So I will start with my attitude as the husband. It seems that my wife does not trust me in many ways. A woman cannot disrobe (both literally and figuratively) in front of her husband, comfortably, unless she trusts him and his leading. I see this in my overly modest wife. (modest behind closed/locked door). Repercussions of her not letting go of the reins, will be refusal for sex and more excuses for not having sex. I see a battle looming for me. I know the Bible and HE knows me. Already I am drawing battle lines (gently), it must be done, I have been a pansy for too long. I spent my time building a great body, running marathons and she was hardly impressed. Perhaps an addition of biblical respect and a caring husband in both attitude and performance is needed here. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I see the disrespect in so many places its like mole popping at Chucky Cheese! Wish me luck and prayer. It begins yesterday.

    • peacefulwife
      April 27, 2014 at 8:46 pm #

      Jeff,
      Women do not usually want to relinquish control because of HUGE fear. And if a wife had been abused as a child or abused sexually or has mental illness or is involved in addictions… Then there would be added baggage and complications to the normal control and trust issues. Also if her parents did not have a healthy marriage, whatever their marriage was like will probably seem “normal” to her and she may have a lot of healing to do from that experience growing up. If her mom was very controlling, she may have learned for 18+ years that this is what womanhood and femininity is supposed to be. Or if she saw her mom being abused, then , she may have decided to be in Control herself and never let herself trust a man because she is not going to end up like her mom.

      If she has a history of romantic relationships where she was mistreated or where she was with a very passive man, she also may have picked up a lot of habits there. And, many times, professional women and women who go to college pick up a lot of messages about being independent and controlling and dominating in college and in the world.

      There are some books for husbands about godly leadership, although, not nearly as many as for wives about marriage and being a godly wife. My husband scoured the internet to look for resources for his blog http://www.respectedhusbsnd.Wordpress.com, and found that some of the best books were simply about godly leadership in general.

      Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has a lot of help for husbands, so does Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas and Grace Filled Marriage by Dr. Tim Keller.

      Daniel, a guest writer for my blog, has a blog with a lot of posts for husbands at http://www.godshelpformarriage.com. And the Christian marriage Bloggers Association has some blogs aimed at helping husbands in this critical task of love and godly leadership.

      All of us, men and women, have been so wounded and crippled by our culture, we all have to basically throw out everything we thought we knew about godly masculinity, godly femininity and godly marriage and rebuild on Christ and His Word alone. That is what I sure had to do, and I grew up in a Christian home, but still missed all of this.

      I may have already mentioned, but David Platt’s series about biblical manhood and womanhood is very good and you can download all of the notes for free at http://www.radical.net. John piper also has some extremely helpful messages about biblical manhood and marriage at http://www.desiringgod.org.

      Of course I will pray for you to draw close to God, to find His truth and to have wisdom and His powerful love and gentleness to begin to set things right in your family and marriage.

      Only God can open your wife’s eyes. But it is a gift to her if you are able to share some of these things with her, she will find such peace and joy if she is willing to seek to trust Christ fully and completely submit to Him, and so will you. :)

      Wives are often much more impressed by loving words and romantic gestures and little things that show thoughtfulness and attention, little love notes for no reason, helping her with the children or chores, asking her to share her heart, inviting her to pray with you, giving her more attention that the TV or computer, and a man who knows what is right and stands on his convictions.

      A lot of women are not very visual, so a fit body may not be a big turn on as much as your words of love and your affection and attention, strong godly, selfless leadership and your Christlikeness. Galatians 5:22-23.

      Praying for you both!

      • peacefulwife
        April 27, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

        Jeff,

        Oh, I didn’t develop the fear thing well enough..

        The fear stems ultimately from a lack of faith and trust in Christ. It really is all about her walk with Him. As you are closer and closer to Jesus and she learns she can trust you, you may be able to guide her to deeper faith in Christ. Your obedience to God makes it easier for her to obey God, but only God can truly open her eyes. Usually, a wife’s fear is very firmly rooted in her understanding, or lack of understanding of God and self. These are not usually conscious things. She may think she does trust God, but if the fruit of her life is worry, anxiety, fear and loneliness, not love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control, then self is in control, the old sinful self, not God’s spirit. When God’s spirit is not in control, that is usually a result of us cherishing sin in our heart – disobedience, disrespect, pride, self righteousness unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, gossip, lust, jealousy, hatred, contempt, etc… Or sometimes we don’t have God’s spirit because we have not trusted Him and submitted ourselves to Him. he gives us the valve to control how much of His spirit we allow into our lives. He only fills us when we invite Him and submit fully to Him.

    • peacefulwife
      April 27, 2014 at 8:53 pm #

      And the real battle is against our enemy, and against sin, not against each other.

    • peacefulwife
      April 30, 2014 at 9:20 am #

      A video from my Youtube channel that may be helpful possibly for husbands?
      <a href="“>

  7. WifeyJen
    May 3, 2014 at 9:24 am #

    I think in many marriages the husband really wants the wife to initiate sex to show him that she WANTS him. You have to be wise about things – is he exhausted, sick, etc. And not take it personally if he’s not in the mood because honestly we’re not always in the mood, either.http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2010/12/wifey-wednesday-why-youve-got-to/

  8. patricia
    September 26, 2014 at 11:38 am #

    just an added thought that may or may not apply in any given marriage; sometimes not wanting to be touched or overly intimate with someone can be because of offense or violation; if the person’s sense of integrity or dignity is compromised in some way, they react by trying to protect the integrity of their inner person, hence the withdrawal. It can be about the spousal relationship. It can also be about family of origin stuff too; for instance if a family is the kind that is shaming, derogatory, rides roughshod over the person if they share their vulnerabilities and subjects the person to humiliation, ridicule, shaming punishment if they speak the truth, this habit of withdrawal will be very ingrained as a form of self protection. They will be even more reaction than the average bear, if you know what I mean.

    The person will come to the marriage table/bed and take sparingly just enough to meet their needs but hold themselves aloof otherwise. One of the biggies that causes problems can be having engaged in premarital sex, esp. if both of you knew that you were going too far and that it was wrong. Even in cases where couples may not have been saved and thought it was okay or justified it, there is often an instinctive sense of having been robbed of something precious and resulting in a loss of trust and respect both towards the other and the self. Sometimes through worldly and ungodly teaching, or because of sheer neediness and insecurity, or poor boundaries, etc. a woman will push for sexual involvement during courtship, even if its petting and intimidate necking that stops short of intercourse because she’s been told or taught that this is what men want, and what she must do to avoid losing him. Or because this is what she is familiar with. Perhaps she had a daddy who was into porn and a womanizer; the message one would pick up in such a situation would be highly sexualized and likely absorbed without the ability to critically evaluate them, thus they would become part of the “worldview” and way of life of the person so affected.

    Self protective withdrawal as a regular way of life is still sin and must be dealt with but these are some of the pathways that help us get there. We have to strike a balance between having some respect for the differences in personality we all have, and yet not using them as an excuse to evade obedience towards God either; respect for God’s ways must trump respect for our ways. Regardless of the reason, it is still wrong to defraud your marriage partner of loving, cherishing, obedience and respect, etc. Yet God’s way of rectifying these situations is not to take matters into our own hands and force the issue in a violating way that compounds the problem.

    I’m concerned that a person who is really anxious for involvement will read this and immediately begin a pressured conversation with their hubby, demanding information on whether or not he is hurt or offended about something. A guarded person will not open up until they feel safe and until they feel integrity is restored to the relationship, that the change is real enough to trust, so I’d suggest following April’s advice on beginning the process of turning to Christ and trusting and obeying Him without demand or pressure on hubby to reward us by doing the snoopy dance and immediately gushing with all sorts of emotional approval or intimate sharing :). I am thinking that our work is more about arriving at a place of utter humility and total submission to Christ before its about trying to have that wonderful marriage we’ve idealized and dreamed of. I’ve certainly got MY work cut out for me here :)

    • Peacefulwife
      September 26, 2014 at 11:42 am #

      Patricia,

      Wow. This is so good!

      THANK YOU so much! I hope you don’t mind if I refer ladies to read your comment from the post. This is very, very helpful!

      • patricia
        September 26, 2014 at 1:03 pm #

        Not at all :) Feel free to take what’s useful.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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