A Wife Faces Her Fear of Betrayal

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This is a series of portions of emails a wife sent to me recently and my responses.  She is very open to God working in her.  She is approaching Him with humility and faith.  I am in awe of what He is doing in her life!  A huge THANK YOU to her for sharing with us!  I am sure that many other wives relate to her struggle.  I pray that all of us might put all of our hope and faith in Christ and seek Him above everything else!  Each wife’s situation is unique.  Each marriage and circumstance is unique.  But our God is able to guide us, empower us and give us the wisdom we need to honor Him and to do what is right in His eyes no matter what our situation may be.  The key is that we keep our eyes squarely on Him and LISTEN to His Word and His Spirit.  I am NOT God. My words are not the gospel.  Please weigh everything I say aginst Scripture.  The most important thing is not what I say, but what God says and following His Spirit with a willing, obedient, humble heart. :)
WIFE:
My husband is leaving town for work for 3 days next week.  I saw on his phone it looked like he called a female friend there in that area whom I know nothing about, just that she’s very hot and single.  I TRUST MY HUSBAND – He is very friendly but I am still struggling a LOT.  My problem at the moment is dealing with fear of the betrayal which is my deepest fear along with abandonment.
I have decided not to double check his phone that I was correct about [them speaking] because that would be like spying.
**************
PEACEFULWIFE:
At this point, you have stated your concerns. (She had told me that she voiced her issues with this situation – VERY STRONGLY. That is good and important!  I do not believe it is appropriate for a married person to meet with someone of the opposite sex alone.  That is a recipe for trouble.)
You cannot control him or force him to do what you want.  If you try – you will repel him.  (Here is a a post about Boundaries and Control)
 
He does have the ability to make horrible choices that would devastate you.  That is part of the risk of loving someone in marriage.  (This husband has not cheated on his wife in the past and has always been trustworthy.  If a husband has already broken a wife’s trust – please seek godly counsel ASAP!!!!!!)
 

Jesus is the PERFECT husband to us – and yet, we often choose to put others/other things ahead of Him and this grieves Him deeply. 

There is risk in marriage – or in love of any kind.  

There is risk of being hurt.

 
What I believe is important to focus on right now is Jesus – the perfect Husband.
When these doubts, worries and jealousy rise up – think about how much Jesus is hurt when you want to be with others instead of Him, or you put other people/things above Him in your heart.  He is a jealous God.  Identify with Him a bit and feel a fraction of His grief.  He is the only One worthy of our worship, devotion, sacrifice and dedication.  Let this pain lead you to Jesus and remind you how much He hurts and longs for you to be with Him.  Look at the suffering He endured because of His perfect love for us!
 
Then, set your faith totally in Him alone.  Let your trust be in Christ.  Put all the weight of your life and future on Him.  Jesus’ perfect love can cast out all fear.  Find  your acceptance, identity, strength, purpose and joy in Jesus – not in a mere man.

If you have His Spirit empowering you – He will guide you and be with you no matter what choices your husband makes.  

You may get hurt.  But you can know that Jesus is able and willing to use all things for your ultimate good to make you more like Christ and that He is going to use even the sin and mistakes of yourself and of others for His glory in your life.  So you can’t lose.  This is how you have peace in any circumstance!
Trust the promises of God. 
 
Now we will pray and see what our sovereign, mighty God might do.  I have seen Him intervene in similar situations and cause trips to be cancelled.  Or to bring conviction to a husband.  Or to cause illness.  There is no limit to what our God can do. 
 
We will pray that your husband will be sensitive to God’s voice.  He can hear God’s voice most clearly when he is not hearing your voice a lot.
 
In these next few days you are together:
  • Praise your husband for the good qualities he has. 
  • Thank him – with a smile – for being such a faithful, loyal, amazing, loving, wonderful man.
  • Make your last few days with him AWESOME!
  • Send him sexy texts or flirty texts a few times a day if he likes that.
  • Let him see that you know what an incredible catch he is and that you are glad to have him in your life.
 
What do you think?
*************
WIFE:
April
Ok.  Yes, you are right I will do that.
I will pray and focus on Jesus. Everything good I have is thanks to Jesus.
Thank you so much,  this helps a lot I really appreciate you.
I know the real issue is likely in my head.   My husband is a very proud husband with good family values who prays with me if I ask him to.
I will focus on faith and my trust and my husband whom would not hurt me (and especially on Christ).
You know I really appreciate what you mentioned there about a relationship giving someone the ability to hurt you, yet that also adds to the value, beauty and blessing of it.
THANK YOU for your time and for helping me April.
**********************
PEACEFULWIFE:
You are more than welcome!
 

In Christ – you can be content in any circumstance.  If He allows it in His sovereignty – He will use it for good ultimately.

 
As you show trust in God and in your husband – it also inspires your husband to want to live up to your trust and expectations.
If you are needy and jealous – that can push him away from you.  
 
Ultimately – it is about your ability to trust in Jesus.
 

Love costs.  

Look what loving us cost Jesus.  Love is not about avoiding pain.  Love is about savoring the blessings more than being afraid of the pain.  Love in marriage is a little laboratory that teaches us to love God more.  These are tests.  God is grading how well you do.  Let His Spirit empower you to pass the test with flying colors.  
  • Be a blessing to your husband.  
  • Appreciate him.  
  • Admire him.
  • Honor him.  
  • Thank him for what he does well.
 
I personally vote to not bring up the hot blond again.  Bringing it up once was definitely necessary.  
Just be the most amazing, godly wife out of love and reverence for Christ that He desires you to be.
That is your job.  The rest is out of your hands since you have already voiced your very legitimate concerns.  
 

***************** 

WIFE:
April,
I wanted to update you.  I did it - I got through the weekend without bringing up my insecurity again!  It was hard sometimes!  I really had to pray.
But my silence gave me the chance to look harder at myself and the situation.  My fears of betrayal are causing me to want to know about every hot woman my husband interacts with and the entire interaction as well as the reason for it. That’s just not a good idea for my sanity.
Always with Jesus in mind, which was SO CALMING, as you said it would be, I gave (my husband) a ton of extra respect this weekend.  This was so much thanks to you as well.  You’re so clear in what you write.   I told him that I hold him above all others for my respect and importance in my life, we were intimate a few times, we were flirty.  But overall, the main giving came from him.  He was very reassuring, loving, he was extra touchy.  As you suggested, it WAS an AWESOME weekend in terms of our relationship.
It’s SO hard for me to know that he may have cared about seeing an old friend – not because I don’t like him to see friends, but because of how she looks.
Over the weekend he told me several times that he only needs me and is so lucky to have me. I feel that him saying all the sweet extras about being the only thing he needs, may have been because of my insecurity when I told him I didn’t want him meeting up with women I didn’t know about, but luckily he says similar things all the time :)   So I feel lucky in general, but actually extra lucky right now!
April, thanks again SO MUCH, for being there for me and for so many other women.  You are a blessing!!!
****************
PEACEFULWIFE:
This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU for letting God do the hard work for you and for looking to Jesus instead of yourself or your husband or the situation.  This is the kind of peace God can give you every day!  And He will take care of you no matter what anyone else does – so you can’t lose.  God is in control.  He is sovereign.  No one can take you out of His loving, sovereign hands.  Nothing can separate you from His love.
You are more than a conqueror!
*******************
Ladies,
If this wife had become jealous, angry, resentful, demanding, negative, critical, controlling, bitter, suspicious or began spying on her husband – that weekend they had together would have left a VERY different taste in her husband’s mouth right as he was about to go out of town.  We are wise to give our men beautiful, joyful memories of us before they must leave for extended periods of time whenever possible!
Our power to attract our husbands is in our being the women God desires us to be.  That does not guarantee us that our husbands will be faithful to us.  We cannot control our men.  We can tell our husbands our concerns, our desires, our fears, our feelings and our perspective.  It is VERY IMPORTANT that we do that! But then we can be an oasis of trust (if our husbands have not broken that trust), respect, admiration, acceptance, fun, flirtiness and we can make the time we have with them very special.  A man with tons of awesome memories of his incredible wife is going out into the world much more prepared to successfully face temptation.  Hopefully, this husband will see the legitimacy of his wife’s concerns, realize what an amazing wife she is and how much he cares about her feelings and cancel any plans he had to meet this old friend or to communicate with her any more.
  • We are accountable to God for our behavior, our faith in Christ, our sin, our obedience to His Word, our being filled with God’s Spirit.
  • Our husbands are accountable to God for their behavior, their faith, their sin, their obedience to His Word, etc.
I pray that we might be the women God desires us to be and that we might bless our husbands greatly and bring them good, not harm, all the days of our lives.
If your husband is actively involved in an affair, or your marriage has been shaken by an affair – please talk to a godly, Christian pastor, counselor or strong godly mentoring wife.   I pray you will seek God’s help to be able to forgive so that your own relationship with God can be restored.  Trust will need to be rebuilt – that takes time.  He will need to re-earn your trust.  You may have to re-earn his trust, as well, depending on your situation.
There are times when separation may be necessary if there has been infidelity – always seeking to reconcile if at all possible in God’s power.  There are many times when God can and does heal marriages after affairs.  (“His Needs, Her Needs” is a great resource to prevent affairs and a good place to start to heal if you are struggling in your marriage because of infidelity.)  I pray that you might seek to honor God primarily in every thought, attitude, word and action and not make decisions without seeking God’s face first.  His Word gives us much wisdom to deal with very trying times in our marriages.
If the marriage must end in divorce – I pray that it will only be after every possible chance was given for the marriage to thrive and for God’s Spirit to be allowed to work for His glory.
BIBLE PASSAGES TO PRAYERFULLY CONSIDER:
I Corinthians 6,7
Romans 8-12
I Corinthians 13:4-8
I John
Philippians 2 and 4
I Peter 3
Ephesians 5
James 1
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5 Comments on “A Wife Faces Her Fear of Betrayal”

  1. Anis
    June 20, 2013 at 2:59 pm #

    How would you recommend handling it after the husband gets home from the trip? Do you ask?

    • peacefulwife
      June 20, 2013 at 4:00 pm #

      Anis,

      I would be glad to see him, give him a big welcome home, ask him about his trip – and be excited to hear all about what he did. I personally believe it may be wise to trust him unless he gives reason not to.

      If he talks about meeting the friend – she may want to ask him some questions in a calm way. If she believes what he did was inappropriate – I believe the most powerful thing she could do would be to show him sadness. To cry (if that is how she feels) and say, “That hurts me. I am so sad that you met with her.” And then maybe give him some space to think about it and process what he wants to do and what is right and to let God speak to him.

      If things got truly serious between him and the friend – I would advise her to seek godly counsel. She will also need to express that she wants to trust him, but that she cannot right now, but that he can re-earn her trust by doing X, Y, Z. It is important for her to say if things are not ok or to let him know if he sins against her. And it is important to let him know what he can do to make things right and re-establish her trust by being completely transparent.

      I am open to discussion about this idea!

  2. Brooke
    July 10, 2013 at 2:02 am #

    Peaceful wife,

    This post has hit very close to home. My husband went to school out of state in May and will be gone until November, and unfortunately he parted on bad terms. We are newlyweds (married last April) and after growing up in a fatherless home I am still learning how to shut my mouth when necessary and submit to him (it has proven to be much more difficult than I expected). He too is learning how to be a godly spouse which has caused me some frustration as well, however he has had a much more difficult time moving forward and working together as a team to get through this challenging time.

    My husband decided to take all of his anger and frustrations with him to school. Along with rarely speaking to me over the phone, he has been spending a lot of time with other women. I don’t think he will cheat on me but my heart just breaks knowing that he is upset with me and so far away. Deep down I know that him holding a grudge against me is wrong, but I still continue to apologize for all of my wrong-doings time and time again but he is still angry. I don’t know what to do! I feel as though he could care less about me or our marriage right now based on our lack of communication, and his time spent with other women (which I only know because of Facebook)

    I read what you told that other women, about making her husband feel important and respected and desired before he left town, but all of that is too late for me since we’re already 2,000 miles apart. I have suggested that I take a trip out to see him (I really want to remind him of how much I really love him, need him, and respect him) but he keeps turning me down.

    Please help! What do I do?

    Brooke

    • peacefulwife
      July 10, 2013 at 7:07 am #

      Brooke,

      It is wonderful to meet you! :)

      Can you please tell me why he is angry?

      I would love for you to read the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect, respect and biblical submission.

      Are either of you believers in Christ?

      Here is something about men – apologizing more and begging to see them can often repel them.

      What might actually be your most powerful move right now is to stop contacting him and wait for him to be ready to come back to you.

      If you have genuinely apologized for your disrespect – then just wait.

      Let him call/email you first.

      It would be much better if he was here and you could show him your respect without words – but that is not an option right now. Has he talked about coming back after school?

      Much love to you!

  3. aerowrite
    July 16, 2013 at 4:05 pm #

    I’ve been trying to mirror this behavior with my fiancé. I read the book “Love and Respect” by Dr. Eggerichs. Very similar to what you are saying. Its okay for wives to confront concerns, but we can do so with respect. This sounds horrible, but I have never been in a relationship that didn’t involve infidelity (except for my current relationship). I struggle daily with insecurity and jealousy. My fiance hasn’t had many serious relationships. He practiced 10 years of abstinence until his gf before me. Early on, my fiance was close with a lot of women (including ex-girlfriends) and I couldn’t make him him understand why I found it in appropriate. He’s a godly man, but he thought that since the relationships were so long ago and he had no feelings for them, it was harmless. I saw it the exact opposite. In my opinion, if there was a spark once, its playing with fire. Early in the relationship he took a trip and stayed overnight at another woman’s house to avoid the cost of the hotel. He stayed at other male and married friend’s houses too during his two week trip. But when I discovered that he and this girl had dated briefly years before, I was extremely hurt and my trust was broken. He has asked for forgiveness and since then he has made signifiant efforts to be more mindful about things like this. He tries to be honest and open about anyone he is with and he has promised not to do anything like that again. But I am having the hardest time not being jealous or suspicious of innocent things. He is very patient with me and we pray about it together often. Please keep me in your prayers for healing. I’m never quite sure what to do when I feel suspicious. I’m just so afraid to get hurt again.

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