God Understands Men.

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God understands what both men and women NEED to thrive in marriage.  That is why He gave us the commands He did in the Bible.  I am thrilled about today’s post.  This is a continuation of a series I am doing about how men think (part 1, part 3, part 4), process, emote, talk and relate – from interviews with real husbands.  Many thanks to the husband who was willing to candidly answer these questions for me.  His answers amaze me.  My words are in black, his words are in blue.  Other husbands, you are welcome to comment or answer these questions, too.  If you would like me to feature your answers in a post, you may comment on the post and I will be glad to consider using  your comments, too.

Ladies – this is fascinating stuff.  I think this husband’s ability to explain things clearly is going to help some of us really understand how important God’s commands are and that God truly knows what is best for everyone when He gives us commands about marriage.  Our God is completely trustworthy!  And, of course, we are accountable to obey God whether or not we agree with His commands or understand why.

1.  How are men affected when their wives are disrespectful and try to talk/preach/lecture to them about spiritual things/God/the Bible/prayer? What goes on in a man’s mind in that situation?

You don’t want to know. Generally not well at all.  Remember Charlie Browns teacher? Wa, wa wa,waa.

Unless …..it’s spoken sparingly,from a humble heart and in a quiet spirit. Then it can be received much, much more readily.

2.. Why do you think God commands wives whose husbands are far from God to win him without a word (I Peter 3:1-6)? Could you talk about how much a wife’s respect impacts a man vs. her words, please?

Words are wind. And a dripping faucet …respectful actions are really easier to hear and respond to.

We can tune out words but not respect.

3.  How does a wife’s criticism of her husband’s spirituality tend to impact his walk with Christ and his ability to lead and love in the marriage?

He becomes paralyzed with self doubt and becomes more passive.  He won’t share his spirituality for fear of rejection or humiliation

4. If you are working through thinking about a problem in the family/marriage – do you need to think about it for some amount of time before you are able to verbalize it in words? Is it possible to immediately talk about a very difficult relationship problem without first going off by yourself to process internally?

Yes, usually I need time.  

It’s like a puzzle thrown on the floor. The pieces have to be examined and compared to see where they fit. I feel stupid that I can’t serve up a instant analysts like my wife can.

Even after I have processed I am filled with considerable doubt the I have the correct picture .

5. What happens in a man’s mind if his wife presses him or tries to force him to talk before he has had time to think things through the way he needs to?

It’s like taking a test you didn’t study for properly. You guess a lot, and feel unprepared.  Or , I just say what I think she wants to hear.  And maybe get a C+, if I’m lucky.

6.  I am actually very interested to know what goes on in husbands’ minds/hearts/souls when their wives often preach, nag, lecture and verbally try to force their husbands closer to God. I know that God has commanded wives to win their husbands “without words” and I know that God has a lot of very important reasons for this. But I would love to be able to explain the reasons in greater detail to wives.  We are SO verbal – it is extremely counterintuitive for us not to use words about God and things that are most important to us.

A. I would like to know what a wife’s many words do to a husband’s feelings for her and for God if he is far away from God.

B.  Would it be different for a husband who is actually close to God – but whose wife treats him as if he is far from God?

A. Since I am not in this place now it is hard to answer fully. I know this – she can share her concern about it and with a humble and honestly caring heart-speak. But after that the win him “without words” come in to play. Non verbal cues of judgement and condemnation will make him RUN, from God, it is so subtle. But love and respect for the long run will be the best motivator .

BFor the wife who treats her husband as if he’s far from God, but he’s not – yes it would be quite a bit different. The spiritual disconnect would be huge. True closeness will be compromised. It’s huge. Not that they won’t get along and have a fair relationship. Just not what they both really want. She may wonder why he doesn’t take her spiritual point of view seriously. How can he? Love, acceptance, security and respect first – then we can talk about differences safely.

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40 Comments on “God Understands Men.”

  1. Considerer
    April 6, 2013 at 5:46 am #

    Is this a general thing as well, that criticism can make men passive? This might be the nail hit squarely on the head! Does it sound plausible that encouragement makes them active leaders?

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 8:48 am #

      Considerer,

      I think that most husbands don’t have a big issue with respectful questions coming from a sincere and humble heart – but if they feel attacked, belittled, talked down to, disrespected or like they are being treated like they are stupid – most men will either shut down or react with anger.

      Yes! When we stop the critical spirit, contempt, lecturing, bossing, verbal attacks, preaching, nagging and trying to change our men and begin to build them up, focus on the good in them, praise what they do well – yes… That eventually helps to motivate a man to lead. As long as we step down out of the way and show real respect, honor, trust and faith in what they do right.

      (If there is a man who is addicted to drugs/alcohol, physically abusive, has an uncontrolled mental health disorder – respect will not cure them…. And a woman in that situation will probably need experienced, godly help. Respect will always bring better outcomes than disrespect. But it may not be safe to follow a man’s leadership if he is not in his right mind.)

      I was quite critical of my husband for almost 15 years, focusing on the 5% of things I thought were wrong instead of the 95% of things he did right. I was negative a lot and impatient, not waiting for him to process – because I thought he could think just like I did. I thought he was purposely not answering me out of spite and i would take over when he didn’t answer quickly enough. :(

      All of that sent him the message that I thought I was better than him, that I didn’t believe in him, that I didn’t trust him, that I didn’t think he could lead and that i thought he was always wrong. So yes, he shut down quickly.

      When I stopped the negative stuff and began the positives, I watched my his and begin to blossom into the man I always knew he could be. It was humbling, beautiful and amazing to see what happened when I embraced God’s wisdom and obeyed His Word!

  2. Trish
    April 6, 2013 at 8:07 am #

    In the past I’ve always tried to gently prode my husband into making a decision about this or that and when he did not answer in a specific time frame or as quickly as I wanted him to I would genlty or sometimes forcefully prode him again about the same issue. The part above where the husband answered that he needs time to figure things out and that the problem is like a puzzle thrown on the floor and he needs time to examine them and figure out where they fit. I imagined this is much like what my husband must be thinking and feeling too. A while ago God spoke to me when I was beinning to try to offer my husband unsolicited advice about something that I should “Zip My Lips” and let him figure it out. On another occasion I was tempted to do it again and God softly and quietly spoke to me “Let him figure it out.” Since our seperation It has been hard for me not to try and initiate some type of communication between us but I feel strongly that the more I try to talk to him the more confused he gets because he has not had time to process or figure out what he needs to do or wants to do and the more I question him, the longer the process takes. I am slowly learning to Zip My Lips and sit back and patiently wait for my husband to figure things out for himself. Even though I’m sitting there and I can see how the pieces of the puzzle fit together and I so much want to say “Hey look, there is the piece you’re looking for right there, it fits with this piece over here!” But I know I can’t..

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 8:52 am #

      Trish,

      I am so glad you are listening to God! I think you are right, if you try to talk with him befo he is ready, it may push him farther away. It is SO counterintuitive to us as women not to talk when our hearts are screaming that words would quickly fix everything.

      But sometimes our men need our silence so they can think.

      My husband told me that when I stopped the negative stuff, it was like taking the static off of the speaker that had God’s voice speaking to him and he could begin to hear God’s voice instead of my critical, constant, negative voice. Yikes! And then he said when I began the positive things, it was like adding an amplifier to God’s voice and made it so much easier for him to lead and think and make wise decisions.

      How I wish I had known this 19 years ago!

      Thank you for the comment. I am praying for both of you and for God’s healing!

  3. Ted Cox
    April 6, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    The puzzle analogy is a good one.Even as I write this,knowing what I want to say,fitting it together properly is a process.Not because I couldn’t come up with words to say,but they need to be the right ones.Trish I would like to tell you that there is hope for your marriage if you draw near to God and trust HIm to work it out.My wife and I were separated for five years and were reconciled,but only in God’s time.We have been together for 30 years since.It has not been easy.My wife has only recently (over the last year) started to realize the affect her controlling attitude has had on our marriage.I was completely shut down emotionally towards her for long periods of time.At the same time that God began restoring me to Himself, he began to restore my marriage.So if you add it all up , it’s been a 36 year process for us. But God is good and will not let us be tested beyond what we can bear.So with that I say”Trust in the Lord with all your heart , and do not rely on your own insight, In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight you path.”

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 10:33 am #

      Ted,

      Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story. I know that your words will inspire many people to continue to trust God and to seek to honor Him even when the circumstances are very difficult.

  4. Lasseter
    April 6, 2013 at 10:46 am #

    This is somewhat troubling. The master of the household is presented like some kind of insecure child, needing to be coddled and have his fragile sense of himself mothered, lest he lose control. A man is by God-given nature the leader, and yet this article presents his nature as one so capricious that he is incapable of leading unless his servant caters to every slight frailty: and, if a criticism should lead to the man failing in his Godly leadership, the blame falls upon his wife for how she criticized him. It even makes the man sound like an alcoholic, one who can’t even stand to be near a drink, one who can’t have one sip of a drink without then having fifty more.

    If this were just about being respectful and loving in one’s words, including words of disagreement, then it would be fine, and that would be a lesson that all should follow–men and women alike. But that’s not what this says. It says that critical words are wind, or hoking like Charlie Brown’s teacher, and it makes it the wife’s responsibility to tip-toe around this bizarre set of sensitivities in her man. Any man who consistently can’t hear the words of his wife or any subordinates, who runs from God or becomes riddled with self-doubt whenever he is openly criticized, does not come across as any kind of serious leader to my eye.

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 11:21 am #

      Lasseter,

      Thank you for your comment.

      Here, this husband is explaining his view of why a husband who is far from God would not hear his wife’s words about God but would be able to hear her respect much more clearly.

      This is his understanding of why God commands wives whose husbands are disobedient to the Word to win them over “without words” by the respectful and pure behavior of their lives.

      Unfortunately, many women are married to men who are far from God – so it is my hope to help women explain why words about God (preaching, lecturing, nagging, etc) are ineffective ways to draw their husbands to God. We are only talking about words about God and spiritual things in this section.

      Of course a man who is far from God has much room to grow as a leader. And that is a very difficult position for a wife. That is why we are admonished not to marry unbelievers. However:

      - Wives are accountable to God for obeying His Word for them.
      - Husbands are accountable to God for obeying His Word for them.

      And of course when one spouse does obey God, it is much easier for the other to also obey God. And when one spouse disobeys God it is much easier for the other to disobey God. But ultimately each spouse is responsible for his/her own actions, sin and obedience no matter what the other spouse does or does not do.

      • Lasseter
        April 6, 2013 at 1:16 pm #

        Thank you for publishing my comment and responding. I saw that the second question was about husbands who “are far from God,” but I did not get that as the theme running through every question. The others seem more general, and I was under the impression that this was on the whole about how men, not just “far from God” men, think. If, however, the advice is altogether specifically for dealing with a man who has serious problems in the first place, then, well, I can see how a wife’s treading carefully is warranted. It does not make such a man come across as particularly manly, though, but, if that is what a woman has to deal with …. My comparison to dealing with a drug addict was because of this sense that the man is impossible to reason with and has to be managed with the utmost delicacy. He becomes paralyzed when criticized. His wife’s words sound like gibberish to him unless she speaks them “sparingly, from a humble heart and in a quiet spirit.” (To be sure, speaking humbly to the one you love is a virtuous thing, but for a man openly to say that he requires it and can hear nothing else says more about his failings than about the virtues of humility.) He is so unable to communicate, that the onus falls upon his wife. Odd enough, this transforms her into more of the leader in the relationship, having to guide the conversation around her man’s insecurities, lest his failings cause a further breakdown of communication.

        I wonder also about this emphasized point that we can tune out words but not respect. Truly? I’ve seen many instances of folk behaving with the utmost respect, who were then treated like doormats by those whom they treated so kindly. People tune out respect all the time.

        Anyway, if this is addressed to women with men or marriages that are already in a bad place, then that’s something of its own. I thought this was generally a commentary on how men think and how women should approach their husbands. That’s why this particular husband’s answers, if generalized to all men, troubled me.

        • peacefulwife
          April 6, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

          Lasseter,

          You are welcome.

          Questions 2 and 6 were specifically about men who are far from God. Question 1 could go either way. The others are general.

          My audience is Christian wives – especially wives who have been controlling/domineering/disrespectful. That is what I used to be. Thankfully, God opened my eyes and showed me the power of His design for marriage. And I am so glad He did! It is my desire and goal to point other wives to God’s Word and to total submission to Christ first – and then how to live out being a godly wife in various situations.
          I pray that God might use me to lift up respect for our husbands and to teach biblical submission that wives might find the joy and spiritual riches that come with living in surrender to Christ and living in obedience by the power of His Spirit. What God calls us to do is not possible in human strength and wisdom, in my view.

          I do not believe scripture gives me, as a woman, authority to teach men. So I do not address what men “should” do here. There are other forums for that, I am sure.

          So, yes, I am addressing women with a variety of issues with their husbands. Many of these women have husbands that are not believers or husbands who are living carnal lives or who have stopped leading. Many of these wives felt they “had” to take over and lead for years because they thought their husbands wouldn’t. That was me! It turns out my husband was perfectly capable of leading – but I was not following. Actually, I was trying to force my husband to submit to my will – even though I never thought if it in those terms all those years. Passive husbands often remain that way until the wife steps down and begins actively honoring and encouraging his leadership. Yes, at first, he will have much to learn and not be a strong leader. But if his authority has been usurped for 10-20 years, he will need a bit of time to begin to lead. I agree that men were born to be leaders. It is my prayer God might use me somehow to help women to understand this and to realize what a blessing it is when our husbands lead and we honor and respect them.

          I believe that the closer a man is to God, the more he can hear his wife’s words about spiritual things. But I believe that the farther a man is from God – or the more a wife judges and condemns her husband as being far from God in her view- the more her words about spiritual things would repel him.

          I’m sure that some people tune out respect. To me, the take home message is, “If you want your husband to hear you – you must approach him with genuine respect.” It is possible that some husbands won’t respond even to respect. But thankfully, most do. And I would imagine that almost no husband will respond to disrespect – unless he is Spirit-filled.

          I would love to have a number of different men respond to these questions so that wives can get a better cross section of masculine thinking. Obviously each husband will have his own idiosyncrasies. So what is most important for a wife who is reading this is what HER husband thinks – not what another man thinks. But I hope to help women begin to see how very differently men and women approach conversations, processing problems, talking about difficult issues and using words.

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 11:24 am #

      Lasseter,

      You are most certainly welcome to answer the questions from your perspective as well.

      • Thankful Husband
        April 6, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

        Lasseter,
        I too thought it was just a men in general thing. But I think maybe where the difference is I’d agree with you if this is a one off incident. I think Peaceful is talking about a general way of life that goes on 24/7/365.

        I’m generally consider a very strong leader. From the time I was 10 people where looking at me for leadership. Whether it was sports, church, work within a couple of months everyone always looked my way for leadership even if I intentionally tried to hide in the back of the room. But with my wife, who I am called to be one with…I can totally understand where this man and Peaceful is coming from. It’s different when it goes on day after day, week after week…it’s more of a process of wearing someone down. Even the most manly man and strongest leader can be have static in his ears and confidence issues afters a long while with the person who is supposed to be his biggest ally and the one who has his back so I didn’t take this wrong at all. I don’t think it was talking down to men, but that was just my take.

        My only concern Peacefulwife is it did kind of sound like, both in the article and comments that the wife already knew all the answers and it just took the husband a while to figure it out and maybe that’s the part about a husband who is far away and a wife who is close to God? If that’s the case I understand completely. Don’t get me wrong, my wife’s every bit as wise as me and since I value her opinion even more than my own because she’s that important to me but I think it’s important to make sure we aren’t saying of course the wives always have the answer.

        And I like to think issues out, but as men I think we are more simple in general so maybe we don’t always have all the issues. Sometimes something is important to a wife that might not be to a husband unless she brings it to his attention. By the time she has done that she’s already processed it but he’s just hearing it for the first time so that does take time to process if that makes sense.

        I am so blessed to have a wife that treats me respectfully, that has not always been the case. Her taking on that attitude took a struggling marriage to being an awesome marriage and I praise God for her and try to treat her tenderly, love her and serve her everyday

        Thank you as always peacefulwife.

        • peacefulwife
          April 6, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

          Thankful Husband,

          In my mind – just because a wife has her mind made up immediately – does not necessarily means she is “right.” I know what I think very quickly. But now I am so thankful for my husband and that he takes his time to mull over a decision instead of just rashly jumping to conclusions. I am not at all saying that wives have the best or the right answers. They often quickly have answers. But having the best answers is a thing that can take time. I totally get that now.

          I actually think that God purposely causes husbands to have a much longer time table than wives to help teach us as wives to wait patiently. Learning to wait on my husband helped me also to learn to wait on God’s timing and His answers. He obviously knows the answers before we even have the problems. But sometimes He allows us to wait for many years for certain things – and yet, He has our best interests in heart.

          Now – I share my ideas, desires and feelings with my husband in a respectful way. And I leave him a lot of room and time to process. Days or weeks or longer depending on the issue. I understand now that God assigned husbands to be the leaders in the marriage for the benefit of everyone in the family. I have been amazed how God has used my husband’s decisions to take us to places that are infinitely better than what would have happened if I were calling all the shots.

      • Thankful Husband
        April 6, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

        peaceful wife,
        I knew that was your stance, what you believed…it just didn’t come across in this one and that’s why it didn’t worry me one bit. Thanks for clarifying though.

        I’ve actually learned stuff about how I think! I never even realized I think in pictures and diagrams sometimes…had never even thought about it! About the only time I think in words is when I’m preparing to talk to my wife, a client, or write something on the internet…but I had never put 2 & 2 together so thank you so much. You’ve helped me understand my wife much better

        • peacefulwife
          April 6, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

          Thankful Husband,

          I try to walk a fine line between making the posts shorter (Some people really don’t like my posts being over 1000 words) – and making sure they are thorough. Sometimes I am sure I don’t explain enough – especially if this were the first post someone ever read from my blog. It is just impossible to say everything on every post.

          But maybe I need to add something to this post to clarify?

          I think that it is easy to assume that the way we think must be the way everyone thinks. Who talks about this stuff? But what an important difference to consider the ways we think, process and perceive the world. Men and women are so very different. And then there are individual differences among the same gender, too. Very interesting stuff! I’m so glad to hear that these posts have been helpful. They have been very eye-opening for me!

  5. Thankful Husband
    April 6, 2013 at 5:32 pm #

    I think your comments clarified it very good. I know it’s hard to say everything. It was just something I noticed in that post…not sure why but unless someone was reading you for the first time I can’t imagine someone would come to that conclusion. I probably should of just kept my trap shut!

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 6:03 pm #

      Thankful Husband,

      I would much rather people say something if something seems unclear. I appreciate the comments very much!

  6. Ted Cox
    April 6, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

    I would like to point out that Eve caused Adam to sin, so any man that thinks his wife should not affect him in his relationship with God is mistaken. I know that I’m certainly no wiser than Adam ,nor as close to God as he was.It is true men should not be treated as children, and that in itself can come across as disrespect, but I do not think that this is April’s position at all. On the subject of how men think, I have a principle I learned that I apply to almost everything I do. It’s the KISS principle. It stands for ‘keep it simple stupid”. It reminds me that simple as possible is always better. There are Proverbs that allude to the same thing.I find m wife many times misses the forest for the trees on issues sometimes, while I really am a bottom line kind of guy. I think many women overly complicate issues, while most men tend to look to simplify.Take the issues of respect and leadership in marriage. In it’s simplest form it is merely the wife allowing her husband to lead her. It’s true all the other benefits come along with it, but the bottom line is there can only be one leader in the family and God designed men to be that leader.It’s not a matter of who it’s better for, it’s just plain better. Bottom line-simple. Simple is good!

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 8:18 pm #

      Ted,

      Thank you for your comments and perspective.

      One thing I address with wives is to boil down emotions, feelings and desires to short bullet points when presenting an important idea or something with a lot of emotion to their men. So many wives think, more words will help. Or, “if I can just explain it well enough and long enough, he will see that I am right and he will agree with me.”

      I have had wives send me 3000 word emails they had sent to their husbands full of negative emotions, condemnation for their husbands, accusations, contempt and disrespect. Then the wives get upset that their husbands don’t address every point and that their husbands’ get overwhelmed with all the words and negative emotions.

      I don’t believe that husbands are generally of low intelligence. But I do think they can hear the bottom line much more easily than they can swim through a wife’s sea of negative words and emotions. I am sure there are some exceptions!

      That is why I love Laura Doyle’s approach in The Surrendered Wife.

      She suggests saying simple feelings and desires to our husbands without manipulation, blame, guilt, martyrdom, control or a lot of words and negative emotions.

      - I feel sad
      - I feel scared
      - I feel nervous
      - I feel angry about X

      And she suggests stating our desires as women simply

      - I want X
      - I don’t want Y.

      Then we can give our men some time to think about it and allow them to come to their own conclusions.

      There is a lot of power in presenting a simple message.

  7. Lasseter
    April 6, 2013 at 7:08 pm #

    I would like to point out that Eve caused Adam to sin,….

    She did? OK, and then I suppose the serpent caused her to sin. Now who’s the serpent going to blame for his sin?

    Whatever you want to take about male-female dynamics from that story, Adam made his own choice. I find this odd too:

    I know that I’m certainly no wiser than Adam….

    We don’t exactly have any books called “The Proverbs of Adam” in Scripture, and, if anything, both Adam and Eve come across as marvelously naive. Indeed I think their naivety is an important part of the story. In any case, there’s no reason to think that Adam was unusually wise. Certainly his proximity to God in Paradise doesn’t mean that he was wise.

    I thought that peacefulwife explained her post a bit more and cleared some things up in her comments, which was why I stopped commenting: I didn’t have anything further to ask or say. This last comment, though, …. Well, no doubt I will be told that I read it wrong, but it doesn’t sit well with me. I am and have been for a very long time a “man is the head of the household” kind of fellow, but the tone of this last comment (from blaming Eve for Adam’s sin to “keep it simple stupid”) seems to me a touch on the unpleasant side.

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

      Lasseter,

      Would you like to talk about ways wives can best meet their husbands’ need for respect in spiritual matters and how wives can most encourage their husbands’ godly leadership and spiritual growth? Or would you like to address why a wife’s words about God might actually be counterproductive when a wife believes she is spiritually superior to her husband? Or would you care to address the issue of why husbands sometimes need some time to process big decisions before talking about what they want to do? I would be interested to hear your perspective. Thank you.

  8. anonymous
    April 6, 2013 at 8:02 pm #

    My wife and I work in fulltime ministry and most would consider us spiritually mature. However, your comments about how a wifes superior attitude can negatively effect a man’s walk with the Lord are spot on. In I Peter 3:7 it tells husbands to treat our wives with consideration and honor so that our prayers won’t be hindered. I have found that when my wife and I are in conflict that my walk with the Lord is hindered. When she asserts her spiritual views as the right ones and mine as the wrong ones it crushes me emotionally and spiritually. When she shames me for not fulfilling her visaion of spiritual maturity and vibrancy, it infuriates me. It effects my study of the scriptures, my prayer life and my intimacy with Christ. It also leads to a downward spiral that pushes me away from the Lord and my wife. I cringe when I see well meaning wives trying to badger or manipulate their husbands to be closer to the Lord because it has the opposite effect.
    Thank you for this post. It is very insightful.

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

      Anonymous,

      I believe that what you have to say here is REALLY important for wives to hear – minister’s wives and all believing wives need to understand how damaging our self-righteousness can be. It is so easy for us to look down on run husbands and believe we are spiritually superior – and we don’t even see that we are sinning. Then you are right, we can crush our husbands spiritually.

      I don’t think wives do this purposely or maliciously. But we need to be alerted to this important issue and learn how to honor God and our husbands in our reverence and cooperative spirit with our husbands’ leadership.

      I hope you might allow me to quote you in a future post. If there is anything you would like to add or to elaborate on, you are welcome to.

      • anonymous
        April 7, 2013 at 3:01 am #

        Feel free to quote me in other posts. A godly woman whom I work with (20 years older) believes that when a man marry’s a woman, he gives her access to his heart. No one else has that access. This vulnerability creates intimacy. It also gives wives tremendous power to build up or to crush a man’s heart and spirit. She sees how she did both with her deceased husband and how her daughter in law effects her son and her daughter effects her son in law. Lasseter’s comments above miss that point. We are not wimps . Our wives can do tremendous good, spurring us on, or tremendous damage by being critical, self righteous and superior.

        • peacefulwife
          April 7, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

          Anonymous,

          I totally agree about how powerfully a wife can either bless or wound her husband. It is my desire and prayer that God might use me somehow to teach women to stop crushing their husbands and to begin to build them up and bless them in a way that honors God and inspires our husbands to become the men God has called them to be. Thank you for allowing me to use your quote! I believe that many wives will benefit from hearing your perspective.

  9. Ted Cox
    April 6, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

    Lasseter I was not blaming anyone for anything! I was simply stating a fact, one that God himself did not contradict. At the heart of all sin is pride, from the fall of Satan to this day Satan tempted her into thinking she could improve on what God had made.Adam sinned in listening to his wife clearly. It is also clear that she did influence him. I leave to you to judge whether you are wiser, or closer to God than Adam. As for the rest the one had nothing to do with the other.I did not expect you to be so sensitive to such a simple counter point. My point in keeping it simple was aimed at not over complicating things as a thought process. And had nothing to do with he relationship between men and women, i merely used my marriage as an example.I apologize if I offended you. April, I also apologize to you I did not mean to stir things up.I only wish to contribute constructively to your discussions.

    • peacefulwife
      April 6, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

      Ted,

      I took no offense. I appreciate comments from men and women and am thankful for your willingness to share your perspective.

  10. Ted Cox
    April 6, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

    Oh BTW the stupid part in my principle is making things complicated, not keeping it simple.

  11. CJ
    April 11, 2013 at 11:55 pm #

    Hello All,

    In my very humble opinion, this is a much larger issue than what we have dealt with in this particular post/topic. Whether we want to admit it or not, the culture has played a huge part in the shaping of our relationships. We in the church and Christians in particular are not immune from these cultural influences. I wish that was not the case, but that’s a story for another time.

    First, our culture promotes independence for everyone. This is an individualistic society. It used to be a time when boys were trained how to be good men & husbands by their fathers. Girls were trained by their moms how to be good wives and mothers.Things have changed. The women’s liberation movement did some good things for women to be sure, but also so devastating things. The dynamics of relationships started to change. Both parents were home less in pursuit of their careers. The God given gender differences were minimalized or altogether thrown out. Studies have shown that most educational systems are geared more towards girls than boys. The important role of father and husband are down played to the extent that if a man is present it is almost a surprise to people.

    These and many other facets have had an effect on how we relate to each other has husband and wife. As a pastor I speak on these things all the time. But I just don’t speak, I have experienced and continue to experience some of the things that are dealt with on this blog. I’ve lead people spiritually, I’ve lead people in my business career but the husband-wife relationship is totally different. In business, if you are a manager, you have the authority from upper management to operate in an area of responsibility and you have the power to carry that out. In church a pastor is either elected or appointed by others because the see in him certain gifts and abilities to shepherd and preach/teach God’s Word. But the authority that a man has in his home is watered down and down played. Generations are now raised with no biblical foundation, so they have no knowledge of God’s design for the family. Unfortunately, I speak about a majority of Christians as well.

    So it’s a deep rooted issue that requires prayer and turning to God for answers. This blog is a part of the solution to return to God’s methods and I see it has already helped many people. I’m hoping to one day post my testimony…

    • peacefulwife
      April 12, 2013 at 8:00 am #

      CJ,

      I COMPLETELY agree that the issues impacting marriage, men and women today are vastly larger than this entire blog and all of my almost 600 posts – not to mention just this one little post.

      And I absolutely agree that our culture has contaminated us. I believe one of the root causes is the heresy of feminism. That may sound harsh to some. There were some things that feminists did that did help women. But a look at the core beliefs of the women who instigated the 3 waves of feminism shows just how anti-God, anti-man, anti-woman, anti-family, anti-God’s authority structure for the church and home the movement is.

      Here are the primary concepts of feminism as a movement throughout the past 150 years or so that concern me: The thoughts, goals and ideals of feminism profoundly impacted our culture and the church. There have been 3 waves of feminism (Carolyn McCulley Radical Womanhood):

      1. womens suffrage women seeking the right to own property when they were married, and seeking the right to vote as well as seeking to be able to hold the office of pastor or minister in churches (1800s) and so began a subtle undermining of the authority of the Bible. The New Testament does not allow women to be pastors or to have authority over men to teach men (I Tim 2:11-15, I Cor 14:33-38). The womens suffrage movement was very adamant about insisting that women have equal access to all areas of ministry as men had. At the time, this was a RADICAL deviation from the practices of Christian churches (for the preceding 1850 years).

      2. The second wave was very strong in the 60s and 70s and brought the ideas that marriage and motherhood were oppressive to women, that patriarchy was slavery, that men were the problem with society/government/marriage/church/family, that women could only find true fulfillment in the workplace, that there is no such thing as the God of the Bible, that God is really a woman, or whatever you want her to be, that the Bible is irrelevant and that no God-given authority ought to be honored or respected. Men did, in fact, cause many problems. They were sinners. But feminism painted women to be spiritually and morally superior to men and did not allow for women to be seen as sinful. Femininity was good and masculinity was evil. Women werent just seeking to be equal in value and to receive equal pay in the workplace but they were seeking to have equal power and equal roles in marriage and the church ministry as well. (Think about the sin of Satan seeking equality with God. And then think about Christ, Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped. Philippians 2:6 Birth control and abortion were a HUGE emphasis of the 2nd wave of feminism allowing women the freedom from childbearing to maintain their beautiful figures and to work without the inconvenience of children. Children became disposable, a burden and a bother instead of a blessing from God. Marriage became disposable whenever we no longer feel happy we can ditch our husbands. Covenant is no longer in the picture. Sex became disconnected from child-bearing and became free from the bonds of marriage. No Fault Divorce was one of the largest triumphs of the 2nd wave of feminism. Women entered the workforce in staggering numbers and children began to be raised in day care instead of at home with their mothers. Divorce became increasingly widespread and accepted. And it was and still is largely WOMEN who instigate divorce often citing reasons like Anonymous and David mentioned instead of having biblically sound reasons for divorce.

      3. the third wave of feminism is less organized but has several goals: erase biology from the definition of family, establish fluid gender acceptance (its ok to switch from being male to female and back), to promote homosexuality and bi-sexuality, to destroy the traditional definition of the nuclear family, to continue to promote birth control and abortion, to have no moral labeling against any kind of deviant sexual behavior or lifestyles, to promote the idea that pornography empowers women and that women should dress and act like porn stars to get the attention of men in public and that pornography is harmless or actually even good.

      Even though many men and women in the church today would never call themselves “feminists” – we have all been marinating in this poison for decades. And, of course, there have been a number of other ungodly influences in our culture as well that have deeply wounded individuals, marriages and families.

      How I pray that God might send a great move of His Spirit to His people around the world and bring true conviction, godly sorrow, mass repentance and that He might raise up for Himself a godly generation out of my generation. How I pray that God might open our eyes to how very far away we are from His truth and His Word and His presence. And I pray that He might make us like Christ and that we might leave God’s blessings instead of curses to the next generation.

      I know that if the enemy could use a handful of women to warp the definitions of God, church, marriage, femininity, masculinity, parenting and family that surely Christ might raise up some of His women and men today to tear down the lies and rebuild these important concepts solely on the basis of His Word and truth. I am willing and yielded to my Lord and am listening and waiting to do anything He may desire me to do in this great work that is so urgently needed.

      Thank you so much for your comment, CJ.

      I look forward very much to seeing your testimony. Maybe you would allow me to use it as a post?

  12. In His Image
    May 20, 2013 at 3:16 pm #

    @Anonymous

    A godly woman whom I work with (20 years older) believes that when a man marry’s a woman, he gives her access to his heart. No one else has that access. This vulnerability creates intimacy. It also gives wives tremendous power to build up or to crush a man’s heart and spirit.

    This is exactly what I’ve concluded over the past decade or so, at least with men who are serious about marriage. Indeed, I’d go as far as to say that true, deep intimacy is probably not even possible without vulnerability. Unfortunately so often, this vulnerability is exploited and abused.

    Lasseter’s comments above miss that point. We are not wimps . Our wives can do tremendous good, spurring us on, or tremendous damage by being critical, self righteous and superior.

    God’s Word agrees.

    @peacefulwife

    I absolutely agree that our culture has contaminated us. I believe one of the root causes is the heresy of feminism. That may sound harsh to some. … Even though many men and women in the church today would never call themselves “feminists” – we have all been marinating in this poison for decades. And, of course, there have been a number of other ungodly influences in our culture as well that have deeply wounded individuals, marriages and families.

    This is exactly right. We are the proverbial slow-cooked frog: even Christians don’t realize how many lies we’ve absorbed from the culture, and we urgently need to deprogram ourselves by rediscovering Truth. And the only way we can do that is by returning to God’s Word.

    I am willing and yielded to my Lord and am listening and waiting to do anything He may desire me to do in this great work that is so urgently needed.

    …And I pray God guides you in this. It’s crucial that women stand up against feminism and say that being anti-feminism is not being anti-women, but is actually pro-women. When this comes from men, it is too easy to dismiss. …But when a woman speaks up and gives a testimony of the blessings of following God’s (highly unfashionable) teaching for women, then it carries weight. May you continue to speak out boldly.

    [P.S. I think I may have posted my last comment twice: my apologies if I have, and please feel free to delete the earlier duplicate!]

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