What is Disrespectful to Husbands?

This blog will be most relatable for wives who tend to be strong willed/in charge whose husbands are passive.

If your husband is controlling or you are more passive – many things I talk about will still apply (God’s Word always applies)- but you may have to approach some of the practical issues from a different angle.  This blog may not be as helpful for you. It is possible to be TOO respectful/TOO submissive. If your husband is actually extremely controlling or abusive, reading my blog may cause you to try to over correct in a dangerous way in the wrong direction. Please seek godly help ASAP and be sure you are safe!

I only write for wives – I don’t write for husbands. A husband cannot force his wife to respect him and submit to him. She must do this willingly and voluntarily out of her love and respect and obedience to Christ.

Just like wives need love, husbands need respect. God’s design for marriage is laid out here in Ephesians 5, and His purpose goes WAY beyond the scope of the health of our individual marriages – although if we follow His design, we will have much healthier marriages.  God’s highest purpose in marriage is to showcase the intimate relationship between Christ and His people.  We are acting out a living parable where husbands represent Christ and wives represent the church to bring glory to God and to help our children and others around us grasp what God is like in a more concrete way.

Ephesians 5:22-33 = God’s design for marriage

 DISRESPECT

When a man feels disrespected, he feels unloved!

Every man has his own list of what feels disrespectful and respectful to him.  Some things are almost universally one way or the other to almost all men.  Some things are particular to your husband.  So – what matters most is what is respectful and disrespectful to YOUR man. That’s why it is important to ask him about his preferences and what bothers him and what speaks respect to him.  When things are not tense – you could ask him about some of the things on this list and get his take on the different items (if he is open to this idea).   You’ll need to custom-tailor your respect to your husband for best results!

Ladies – we have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up.  How I pray God will convict us and open our eyes and that we might learn to be respectful, cooperative wives who value our husbands’ leadership and who honor Christ with every thought, attitude, word and action!

SUMMARY OF WHAT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO MEN (FOR MORE DETAIL, PLEASE READ BELOW).  Keep in mind that even barely hinting at these things can often feel VERY disrespectful to men :

  • implying he is not intelligent/capable/competent
  • implying he is not enough for you sexually
  • implying he is not providing enough for you financially
  • implying that you are superior to him morally/spiritually
  • displaying contempt for who he is as a man – not accepting him as he is (I am not saying you must respect sin, but that you respect him as a person and as your husband)
  • telling him what to do/bossing him
  • taking control of the marriage/family and not allowing him to fulfill his God-given leadership position
  • making fun of him, putting him down, criticizing him, belittling him especially to others
  • body language that communicates contempt/hatred/judgment
  • implying that you respect another man more than you respect him
  • implying he is not a good father
  • undermining his authority as a father

—————————————————————————————————————————–

Here are some things that feel disrespectful to many husbands – thanks to the husbands who contributed to this list:

  • asking him to do something, then doing it myself before he has a chance
  • body language – especially frowning while you talk
  • lack of attention/appreciation
  • too much help
  • criticism
  • interruptions
  • not really listening
  • asking “Why…?” when paired with “Why would you do it like that?” and rolling the eyes.. or “Why would you go that way when it’s easier to go this way?”
  • Asking a question starting with WHY is automatically saying, “What you did is wrong and it should be done like this! How can you not see that?”
  • always putting herself first and having the family fit into her plans/schedule
  • second guessing/lack of confidence
  • being too busy to spend time with him – too into your tv show to listen to him
  • complaining
  • speaking negatively of him to others or in front of others
  • scowling
  • body language – arms crossed, a look of condemnation
  • answering for him
  • telling him what to do
  • undermining his authority as a father – telling the children they don’t have to do what he asked them to do
  • disagreeing with his parenting in front of the children
  • insinuating – even slightly – that he doesn’t make enough money to satisfy you
  • not accepting his answer – continuing to question him
  • putting him down to other people
  • Being irrationally afraid, as if I can’t protect her from a spider in the next room. A lion? I understand, but I have a gun for that :-)
  • Being critical of my driving (actual safe driving with mounds of proof)  
  • Automatically assuming we were going to call someone for a repair. Let me decide and let me handle it.
  • Asking me if i remembered to pack something.
  • Telling me to go speak to someone or tell someone goodbye at a social function.
  • Asking “Are you sure? ” after I have already given a confident “yes” to “Do you know what you are doing?”  (Peacefulwife here – Probably best not to say, “Do you know what you are doing?” ladies!)
  • In short, only question me once, especially if its something you know no nothing about.
  • withholding sex from him out of spite or manipulation
  • cussing/yelling/name calling
  • Arguing with me when I make a family decision
  • Remaining silent in front of  the children rather than supporting me when a discipline decision is made
  • Lack of acknowledgement of hard work/providing for the family
  • Failure to say “You’re a good dad.”
  • Failure to say thank you in general
  • Failure to support a decision I’ve made in my absence
  • Speaking poorly about me, even in a “joking” way to others
  • Correcting me when I am telling stories
  • Making light of or “poo-pooing” something that I think is important
  • “The look.”  It may vary from woman to woman, but you all have one.  Used whenever you disapprove of whatever just happened, whatever was just said, or whatever idea the husband just floated.  May be followed by verbal elaboration of the disapproval, but 100% effective without the elaboration.  The longer the marriage, the less need for any verbal elaboration.  It’s funny to talk about for everyone but the husband who receives it.  Believe it or not, it’s soul-crushing — at least when it’s a frequent occurrence.
  • Obviously, the eye-roll, the sigh, the huff, the pursed lips, the crossed arms, the tapping foot, the hands thrown in the air, etc.  These are all distinct from “the look.”
  • The comment to the kids that’s actually directed at dad, frequently while leaving the room with the child after getting dad’s input and not being satisfied with it.
  • Any disagreement with or disapproval of the dad in front of the kids is exponentially more crushing (and, probably for most men, infuriating — anger being the emotion that immediately follows hurt).
  • Refusing, avoiding, or qualifying your apology when the husband calls you on any of these disrespectful behaviors.  It doesn’t take very many times of hearing “I’m sorry I said that in front of the kids, but you [reiteration of the original complaint/criticism and/or addition of another].”  Why seek an apology if it’s only going to net another insult?
  • Keeping “your” finances separate from the “family’s” finances.
  • Blaming your husband for economic circumstances beyond his control — loss of a job, difficulty finding a job, diminished cash flow because customers are slow in paying, etc.  NOTE:  Complaining about the circumstances or wishing out loud for different circumstances feels like blame to your husband.  Find a way to commiserate with him about the circumstances without complaining about them.
  • Holding a grudge against your husband for economic circumstances that were within his control but turned out differently than he expected.
  • Complaining about an offense that he committed, usually unintentionally, and then not letting him fix it, or even attempt to.
  • Giving him your input (which he solicited) for an important decision — choice of a church, choice of a house, etc. — and then rejecting all the choices he comes up with, even if they meet all your stated criteria and nothing else does.  Bonus points for holding a grudge if he goes ahead and picks one of those choices, whether it works out ok or not.
  • Remaining silent when one of the kids complains that dad won’t listen or doesn’t care, rather than actively attempting to defend dad, when dad has in fact tried to take the child’s wants/needs into account but has made a decision that the child doesn’t like.
  • Expecting your husband to meet your need for security in a way that requires perfection or omniscience.  Of course he shouldn’t knowingly do things that undermine your security, but the reality is that his ability to keep or make you secure is very limited.
  • Implicitly or explicitly letting him know that, once your early days of poverty are behind you (those days when you told him that as long as you had each other, you had enough), you are going to be very unhappy about any prospect of being back there again, for whatever reason.
  • If marriage counseling is necessary, communicating (or simply believing, which will be communicated one way or another) that he is the problem.  Bonus points for firing the counselor (or simply not going back) if the counselor puts too much pressure on you to change something.  TEST:  What would your reaction be if your husband fired a counselor or refused to go back because the counselor was putting too much pressure on him?
  • When your disrespect for your husband has become too manifest to ignore, and your husband makes the rather obvious deduction that perhaps it’s time for the two of you to seek outside advice in a particular area (from a pastor, marriage counselor, financial counselor, etc.), reject the outside advice if it is in line with what your husband was doing or recommending.  Put him in a can’t win situation so that there’s no authority you’ll submit to and there’s no one whose endorsement of your husband will have any meaning to you.
  • If there are theological non-essentials on which you disagree (Calvinism vs. Arminianism (or just 4-point Calvinism vs. 5-point Calvinism), mode of baptism, music, determining the will of God in a decision, etc.), behave as if his view is dangerous.
  • Insist that your standards for acceptable family entertainment be the governing standards, and let it be known every time your husband’s choices stray from your standards.  Bonus points if you can criticize him, preferably in front of the kids, when a protective measure he has attempted to use (a language filter, fast forwarding, etc.) isn’t 100% effective at eliminating the content he was trying to avoid.
  • Live in fear because you can’t trust God to take care of you through your husband or, if necessary, in spite of your husband.
  • Attach catastrophic significance to every personal and parenting choice out of fear that if you and your husband do not “measure up,” God will punish you, including by allowing your children to become prodigals.  [Bonus points if you can, with a straight face, agree that God doesn't behave that way but arrive at the same level of fear anyway because "actions have consequences."]
  • When put on the spot to compliment your husband on something, focus on his skill at his job and not anything about his performance as a husband or father.
  • Write him flowery compliments four times a year (Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Father’s Day, and his birthday) and then live the rest of the year as described above.  It will take him years to figure out that you didn’t really mean any of those nice things you wrote — at least not when times get tough.
  • Generally treat sex with him as a chore or an imposition (when you’re not ignoring it altogether).  Bonus points if you can occasionally (twice a year may be sufficient) behave as if you actually want to have sex with him.  You’ll have him thoroughly confused pretty much right up until the time you ambush him with the divorce.
  • Deriding me in public.
  • Joking with another woman at my expense in front of me.
  • Making me feel that I’m less of man because I don’t look as attractive as I did years ago.
  • Making comments about my lack of ability to remember.
  • Doubting what I say until it’s affirmed by someone else.
  • Thinking that I’m not smart enough to know when she’s lying to me.
  • Treating me like I’m a child, and can’t take care of myself.
  • Taping notes to the refrigerator or cabinet telling me what to do, and how to do it.
  • Taking credit for things I did.
  • Changing the channel when I’m watching something.
  • Ordering me around like I’m her personal assistant.
  • Griping me out when I get something wrong that she should have done herself.
RELATED POSTS
Peacefulwife Videos  – “My Husband Doesn’t Deserve MY Respect!”  “Apologizing for Our Disrespect” “What is Biblical Submission?”…

171 Comments on “What is Disrespectful to Husbands?”

  1. Daniel
    October 25, 2012 at 1:34 am #

    Some of these are great! It’s amazing how long the list is and more amazing all the things that I personally find disrespectful that aren’t on there.

    • peacefulwife
      October 25, 2012 at 6:30 am #

      Daniel,
      Thanks for your comment! If you have some things I could add – I would LOVE that! And if it is ok with you, I am working on a book, largely to teach wives about respect and submission, but there will be a section about disrespect, and I would LOVE to include your thoughts on the topic, too! Thanks!

      • sharon
        December 1, 2013 at 5:31 pm #

        Yes so glad ur working on a book, I know it will be great,, how long before its published?

        • peacefulwife
          December 2, 2013 at 6:30 am #

          Sharon,

          I am not sure about a publish date, Please pray about that with me!

    • wendy
      September 3, 2013 at 12:49 am #

      Wow! I was just going to ask, “anything else?”

    • Catherine
      March 19, 2014 at 10:54 pm #

      It is amazing how many of these things my husband does to me. But, it takes two to destroy a marriage, just like it takes two to build it. I am not without fault. I just wonder if he ever loved me from the start.

  2. Heleni
    November 16, 2012 at 8:44 pm #

    oh yeah..that is so good..so many things that we as a wves should look at..what about the men? what is desrespectful to women?

    • peacefulwife
      November 16, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

      Heleni,

      Men and women both need love AND respect. Men tend to be more focused on respect and often need a little more help with love. Women tend to be focused on love and not notice a lot about respect.

      I only teach wives and women, so I don’t address men and what they could or should do. But my husband has a blog for men http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. He has many posts about ways husbands can love their wives and some about what is unloving to wives. :)

      Thanks for the comment and question!

      • Rhoda
        June 25, 2013 at 1:02 pm #

        My husband professes to love me but he does not respect me. I will be very happy if he rather respects me and stops humiliating me than loving me. I think that women deserves to be respected too not only loved.

        • peacefulwife
          June 25, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

          Rhoda,

          Yes, husbands and wives both need respect and love.

          Would you like to email me and we can talk about what is going on? :) aprilc@sc.rr.com

          • Zama
            April 27, 2014 at 3:49 pm #

            Peacefulwife

            Just came across your blog as I’m having great difficulty in my marriage regarding respect.
            Would you mind if I emailed you to talk further?I feel as though I’m drowning.

  3. Louise
    November 29, 2012 at 8:13 am #

    Hi,

    i came across your blog when i was furiously looking into why single woman make a play for men that are attached, after another incident being on the negative receiving end of certain types of womens advances towards my soon to be husband (we are getting married in 5 months). Having just read a previous article you wrote which had the link for this one, it made me relise that i am helping their cause (not to cheat but to destroy what we have) by disrespecting him.
    I am fortunate that he is not the type to flirt back, and in fact gives them very short shrift especially if he knows that they know he is with me (most of his admirers do know), however i end up taking it out on him, because either i do not find out untill after said woman has left or the next day as he knows my temperament, and is scared i will flip out and have a right go at the woman which could end with me in a fight (i have anger issues and have been betrayed before so i respond aggressively to people that behave that way).
    I relize that this is an unacceptable way to behave, and it does play on my mind, and hurt me that i find it hard to be more ladylike and gracious in these circumstances, which is why I was intrigued by the name “the peacfulwifes blog”, and the calm way in which you give advice to deal with certain situations, i know this might feel abit extreme but even with just an internet article i felt a certain comfort and peace with the whole idea of stepping back from the situation to analyse, try and calmly address any issues, and then its down to the other person as the ball is in their court. Its like letting go of trying to control, you still have to be proactive in the sense you do the best for your marriage etc but you stop wagging the finger and correcting, which whilst disrepectful to your man, is also mentally draining for the woman.
    Reading the article on What is Disrepectful to Men, made me relise that when i get threatened, i behave this way towards him, because i am trying to chatise him and make sure “he behaves himself”, which really isn’t what i should be doing at all.
    I am going to take a much closer look at your articles, peacefull wife is something i really want to embrace, for both the sake of my future husband and me. I really do not want to be a harpie, even if provoked by an outside influence.

    • Louise
      November 29, 2012 at 8:38 am #

      A bit of a Mistake!!!

      i mistakenly wrote Hi Heleni, i got that completely wrong, Heleni’s post was so close to yours that i saw it as your name at the top of the post, please take that part out of the reply, my apologies, no offense intended

    • peacefulwife
      December 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

      Louise,

      I am really glad to hear from you!

      I definitely think you may find some helpful resources here. Check out the posts from 11-3-12 > 11-7-12. They are about some different ways we as women often try to control our men and what is actually behind all of that as well as how to find freedom from trying to control by putting Christ squarely as LORD of our lives.

      Let me know if you have any other questions.

      As your man sees that you are calm, peaceful, confident, full of joy, respectful and cooperative – he will be even more enamored with you and won’t have to be afraid to share things with you – even if a woman flirts with him. If he’s not flirting back – that is all he really has control over! It sounds like he’s a great guy. If you want to scare him away – freaking out and getting really out of control and aggressive will probably do it.
      I’m looking forward to seeing what God has in store fro you and for your relationship! :)

      • Victoria
        May 4, 2014 at 12:32 am #

        Hi there, Peaceful wife!
        My husband tells me rather often that I am disrespectful to him. I have asked him to do this, I asked him to tell me as soon as he can and in private (not in front of our children) when I am disrespectful to him. This way he doesn’t keep it in and build up a volcano to erupt, like he’s done before, and to better help me see exactly what I am doing wrong, so I can apologize and then correct it.
        He did it today (in front of our children) but, I don’t mind a once in a while in front of our children, because I want them to see a good healthy way of talking through these things in a Godly marriage. He said I seem to want to show off in front of others, appear like the boss. We had dinner with his cousin and her family, I am rather close to her and it’s been a while since we last saw them. During the dinner, I felt a bit bad inside a few times like maybe I should’ve said or did something different, and I might’ve been disrespectful but really couldn’t tell, as he must’ve pulled off an amazing poker face, but I know I was searching for it. When he told me I did it again, I told him of this and told him again, that to remember that is never my intention, that I am trying to change and better recognize these things before doing them, but it can be hard for me. I quickly apologized, and reassured him, that that was not my heart, and I did not want to disrespect him. He accepted my apology but stated he was still angry/upset, and that that emotion would not simply be able to dissipate as quick just because I apologized. He also showed little confidence in my apology, and says it’s because I always do it and an apology doesn’t do anything, because it didn’t save him from the humiliation at dinner.
        At this point, I decided in my mind to seek the very definition of respect, and some Godly advice on respecting my husband. Which I came across your amazing seemingly God sent blog.
        It hurts me to know that I disrespect him and make him feel this way, and frustrates me that I haven’t gotten better at it enough for him to see and difference and have a little more faith in my trying to improve in this area. It also kinda depresses me, I’m trying so hard and still being a failure at conquering this. I know I should pray about this. And I find your list very helpful as I find I have done almost everything on there it really shows me how many blows he’s endured.
        How can I better catch myself and then change myself to be a respectful wife that my husband will be proud of, one he knows and can say is respectful to him. I don’t want to disrespect him ever, but is that possible, too? Is it possible to never disrespect your husband?
        I saw a mention of a book of respect challenge for a wife to her husband….should I start with that, and if so, how can I obtain that. I just don’t want to be that wife, and I don’t want my husband to be anything than happy in our marriage. And I want to be a good role model for our son and daughter on what/how a Godly woman/wife should behave, I want to have a good and fruitful marriage. But I feel like I am making it sour, and it’s something so hard for me to see, and correct. I feel like I have come a bit of a way on it, but my husband doesn’t, which makes me fear that I really haven’t or he has just lost hope that I will ever be able to change. Or maybe that is all he sees now, I don’t know. Please help, and give me the right expectations on the best outcome, is it possible to never disrespect your husband? How do I show him respect, that I’ve changed, and give him hope and restore his faith in me to change and be a better wife?

        Sincerely,

        Victoria

  4. Louise
    December 3, 2012 at 10:21 am #

    Hi April,

    thank you for your response, i will look up the posts you have advised.
    Patrick is a great guy and i definitely do not want to scare him off by freaking out, especially because of anothers behaviour.
    I have read a number of posts already and you really give a good perspective.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences

    • peacefulwife
      December 3, 2012 at 11:39 am #

      Louise,

      You are more than welcome. Let me know how you do. :)

  5. Liza
    February 2, 2013 at 3:05 am #

    Some of these things are just called “being married” or being human. It seemed like the intention kf the post was “don do this list of things” but I think it would have been better to summarize with much fewer, generalized bullet points. If men feel disrespected by these things, then please don’t get married because guaranteed more than one of these things will come up possibly daily. Some of these things make my husband stronger on a daily basis and grow us closer together. We just need to be honest with each other and fix the problem. If everyone did that, there would be no need for lists like this to make women (or even men) feel inferior. I think its just laundry listing of how a woman can be a bad wife and some of it just sounds like normal things. Things like “putting a list of things for me to do on fridge” and “questioning my decision”. I understand there are extremes but many costly mistakes and house fires have been avoided because a woman questioned her man’s decision. This is marriage folks, a give and take, it’s not that hard.

    • peacefulwife
      February 2, 2013 at 7:31 am #

      Liza,
      I am so glad to hear from you! Thank you for the points you bring up – they are important! :)

      When I first read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and realized that husbands need respect just like wives need love – that respect is their primary need, not love – I was really shocked. I had been married 15 years at that time, and had never really given much thought to the masculine world of respect – honestly, I didn’t even know it existed. I thought men and women thought, felt and processed things the same way. I didn’t understand why my husband was unplugged and passive for most of our marriage. And suddenly, I realized why. I had unknowingly been coming across very disrespectfully. Unfortunately, I had no list of what men find to be respectful or disrespectful, and my husband had been feeling disrespected (but never told me) for so long, that he wasn’t sure himself what respect or disrespect felt like. So I WANTED to learn to become the wife God wanted me to be. I wanted to learn to meet his greatest need in marriage – but I had no clue what I was doing. That is why I asked husbands to send me lists of what feels disrespectful to them.

      This is a compilation of about 8 husbands’ lists. Each husband has his own list. The most important thing is what feels respectful and disrespectful to your own husband, of course.

      Many of these things seem like such small things to women. But we don’t realize how easily we come across disrespectfully, never meaning to – and then we have no idea why our husband react in anger or by shutting down and stonewalling. It’s very similar for the husbands. My husband has a list of things husbands do that are unloving – and most husbands don’t intentionally try to be unloving, but that is what wives feel sometimes.

      If we don’t know that we are wounding our husbands, we can’t fix the problem.

      It actually IS possible to learn to communicate our needs, desires, wants and feelings without being disrespectful. It takes the power of God’s Spirit working in us! But when a wife decides to learn to stop her unintentional disrespect and decides to learn this foreign language of respect – miracles happen in marriage.

      God has many purposes in marriage. The primary one is for us to represent the very great mystery of Christ and the church to the world. The husband is to represent Christ, the wife is to represent the church (Ephesians 5:22-33). We as God’s people often disrespect God in many of the same ways wives disrespect their husbands. And this causes us to break fellowship with God. We as believers in Christ are to show respect and reverence for Him. Obviously, our husbands are not deity, they are sinful men who desperately need Jesus’ blood just like we women do. But for marriage to work smoothly, our husbands need to feel respected just like we need to feel loved.

      God also wants to use marriage to make us holy. Husbands have to learn that when they do things they think are respectful -like not helping unless we ask them to – we take that as being unloving. And wives have to learn that when they do things they think are being loving – like jumping in to give unsolicited advice – husbands take that as being disrespectful.

      This is not about labeling women as bad wives. It is hopefully a little glimpse into the minds of our husbands – to help us see that their perspective is vastly different from our own. It’s not about us being wrong – or men being wrong – we are different. So how can we learn to speak their language better? That is the question, to me.

      Some husbands actually are glad for their wives to give them reminders. But for some men, that implies the wife thinks that he is inept. It depends on the man.

      I believe wives CAN and SHOULD say what they want and how they feel – but we can do that in a way that takes our husbands’ feelings into account. For most men, asking “why would you…” sounds like we are questioning their intelligence. Just a simple change in our words and tone of voice can make all the difference in the world! We can use a pleasant tone of voice and say, “I want to do X, please.” “I’m nervous about doing Y.” Or, “I’m confused about this, would you mind telling me a bit more, please?” Can get us the information we want, allow us to share our perspective (which is very important) AND allow our husbands to feel respected at the same time.

      You may want to check out the post at the top of my home page about respect, too.

      At first, when I was learning about respect – I was horrified to realize that almost every word out of my mouth was coming across disrespectfully to my husband. But God has changed my heart and mind and helped me learn how to be much more the wife He desires me to be – and now it is just normal to be respectful. The thing I didn’t expect was how peaceful, joyful and content I would feel. I have become the woman I always wanted to be. I’m not arguing, complaining, scolding, criticizing, nagging and ordering my husband around anymore. God has truly given me a gentle, peaceful spirit that does not get anxious or afraid. And I love it! I have the marriage of my dreams, now! My husband is VERY involved with me and our children now. He is so attentive and loving and generous. He CARES about my feelings now that he knows I respect him. He wants more than anything to make me happy now. See, when a man feels disrespected, he doesn’t let that person’s feelings into his heart. He won’t do things for someone who disrespects him – just out of principle. But when a husband feels very respected by his wife, he wants to do ANYTHING he can for her to show his love and to delight her.

      I hope to hear from you again soon!
      I pray for God’s greatest glory in your walk with Him and your marriage. :)

    • James M.
      August 5, 2013 at 2:26 pm #

      Yes there are things that come with marriage, however it is important to a relationship that each person in the marriage try to uplift their mate versus tear them down! As a man it is important for me to feel that my wife respects me over all and if she falls short she respects me enough to recognize this and try to correct it. The same for me.

      • peacefulwife
        August 5, 2013 at 7:47 pm #

        James M.,
        Thank you for sharing!

        I have a post at the top of my home page about respect as well, you are welcome to add anything you would like to either list.

        I appreciate your perspective and wisdom.

    • Donna
      October 30, 2013 at 9:17 am #

      Liza, I don’t think that list is saying EVERY wife does EVERY one of these things. I think it is so important to find out which of these things feel like a slap in the face to your man and find a way to do it differently. Example: my husband wants notes on the fridge with details so if I say I told you to … he can say it’s not written down. On the other hand if he makes a financial decision that turns out wrong, he feels worse then I do, my nagging is like twisting the knife in his back once he is stabbed.

    • Ruth
      May 7, 2014 at 9:49 pm #

      Amen! Husbands and wives should build each other up and sometimes that means speaking up.

    • Garett
      July 31, 2014 at 5:29 pm #

      If your doing even 10% of this list on a daily basis to your husband, and truly think that he is better for it. you are a fool and your husband is a fool for being with you. In order to be disrespected that much and tolerate it your husband must not have respect for himself. Or maybe you have belittled him so much that that he does not think he has earned your respect. Woman was created for man, man was not created for woman if you think you can earn any mans love with disrespect and feel that it has made your marriage stronger i feel very bad for your husband

      • peacefulwife
        July 31, 2014 at 7:51 pm #

        Garett,

        I agree that even doing “a little bit” of these kind of disrespectful things could cause massive damage to a husband’s soul and the marriage. While some of these things on the list may seem small to women, they can be a very big deal to men. My prayer is that God might help us as wives to begin to understand our husbands’ masculine needs, even though they are different sometimes from our own. I pray God might give us eyes to see from our husbands’ perspectives so that we can become the women and wives God desires us to be and that our husbands need.

        Thanks for sharing a masculine perspective. This can be a very overwhelming list sometimes for wives at first, and sometimes it can be really difficult for women to understand just how toxic these seemingly “normal” behaviors can be to a marriage.

  6. CJ
    February 25, 2013 at 7:53 pm #

    I just ran into this blog today. There are some great articles on this site. Do men usually participate here? Unfortunately a lot of the posts speak to my marriage. As a Christian man it is often hard to talk with people or get them to understand what is going on. I understand what the issues are in my marriage but they seem not to be getting better with time. Most of the issues seem to be that of respect or the lack thereof. From my perspective it has had a really bad effect on the whole family. I guess my question is how long did it take you ladies to realize what the problem was and also what role did your husbands play in helping you realize respect was an important issue that overlapped into so many other areas?

    Thanks for your time!

    CJ

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2013 at 9:15 pm #

      CJ,
      Men are welcome here. I appreciate the insight, wisdom, perspective and comments of men. And sometimes I ask men to answer questions like this and I post the answers.

      I am only writing for women. I believe God’s Word prohibits women from having authority over men to teach them. So I try to be very careful to honor God about that.

      My husband has a site for men that you may like, http://www.reapectedhusband.wordpress.com.

      But many husbands find insight here on Peacefulwife about WHY their wives struggle so much with disrespect and control. It is actually a very deeply rooted problem that goes all the way to the core of her understanding about God and herself. The way a wife treats her husband is usually a very accurate indicator of the way she also treats God. A controlling, disrespectful wife is usually demanding and attempts to control God, too. She usually has herself and being in control as idols. Sometimes she also has her husband as an idol and expects him to be perfect by her own definition and to make her happy.

      Wives do not generally wake up to this on their own. They must have God open their eyes. Usually in a book or blog post or marriage class or by someone gently confronting their sin. Ignoring it will not make it go Away. I love the post on my husband’s site from last week about a husband in this situation and how he handled this with prayer and trusted God to reveal his wife’s disrespect and control to her, and He did! It is amazing.

      I woke up when I read Love and Respect by Dr Emerson Eggerichs 4 years ago.

      Let me assure you, most wives’ disrespect has almost nothing to do with their husbands. They often think if they had a “better” or “more godly” man, they would be more respectful. Not so! We are disrespectful because that is what is in our hearts towards God Himself and God-given authority and we would treat another man the same way. We would still think we were always right and knew best and we would still be prideful and have idolatry in our hearts and be full of unforgiveness and bitterness.

      I pray for wisdom and God’s power for you as you seek to address this important issue in your marriage. I am happy to correspond with your wife if she is willing. But I understand she may not be willing or able to hear these things yet. My email is aprilc@sc.rr.com.

      From the time God opened my eyes, it took about two years of intensive study and prayer for hours most every day for me to feel like these new godly ways became normal. Some women take longer than that. This is a lengthy and complicated process of overhauling the entire soul and building completely from scratch on God’s Word. There is no magic switch. It is like learning a new language, and women make a lot of mistakes at first, especially the first few months. It will take a lot of patience on your part even when her eye are opened. But I pray for her eyes to open soon and for God’s greatest glory for your marriage!

      • Nyillah
        July 2, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

        April I visit your husband sit great he need more advise like you example list of disrespectful… In going to forward this to my boyfriend he might find it helpful

        • peacefulwife
          July 2, 2013 at 7:44 pm #

          I think these lists are helpful.

          He does have a list about “356 ways to love your wife.” And a list about “Things Husbands to that Make their Wives Feel Unloved.”

          I think you can scroll back on his archives to find them. :)

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2013 at 9:23 pm #

      Oh!
      Some women with strong, godly husbands do have help from their husbands and some coaching as they learn. The more loving, gentle, humble, calm, patient, forgiving and Christlike the husband is, the easier the Learning process is for the wife. A husband’s obedience to God makes it infinitely less scary for a wife to trust her husband. Submission is terrifying. Learning to respect and stop disrespect is extremely Counterintuitive to most women. We have to die to self and tear out all our idols and learn that God is sovereign, not us!

      A husband can help his wife by praying for her, and with her, and teaching her about God’s sovereignty and talking about idolatry and reading God’s Word with her and repenting of Any sin in his own life and being humble.

      I apologized to my husband and begged him to tell me what was respectful and disrespectful to him. We had been married 14.5 years. I had been dominating and he became passive. He didn’t know what was respectful or disrespectful at first. And I was clueless, too. I needed help! That is why my husband asked me to teach this stuff to other wives.

      But a godly man can help lead his wife through these things. It would make things go more smoothly. You will need to be prepared to offer a lot of grace! Respect and submission will not make sense at first to your wife.

      Let me know how you are doing! I will pray!

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2013 at 9:27 pm #

      Children are greatly impacted by a wife’s respect and submission. When she begins to respect and honor her husband’s God-given leadership the children often immediately begin respecting both parents much more and obeying much better, too. The wife is the example of how the church relates to Christ. Her example of respect and biblical submission train her children how to relate to God-given authority and to God Himself. There are huge ramifications in the family. Not to mention, the Word of God is maligned when wives are disrespectful or don’t honor their husbands’ leadership – unless the husband is asking his wife to sin. Our witness for Christ is greatly tarnished when we don’t obey God S wives and we can disqualify our husbands for church leadership if we are disrespectful and contentious.

  7. cj
    February 25, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    Thank you for your graceful reply. I do agree with you. I’ve been praying and do attempt to be graceful and forgiving. I’m actually a Pastor now so I have an obligation to thet church and ofcourse mainly to my family to try to lead correctly. The funny thing is the people I teach through Gods grace all respect me. But my wife, that’s another story. My wife does not support my ministry and still goes to another church (with her mom, which is a whole issue itself). At one time I took a sabbatical from the ministry with the hopes that I could work on the family and go back into with full support. That lasted a year but after recieving counsel from my other pastor friends and members I came back to use the gifts God has given me. Its hard to express all the issues in one blogpost but writing is therapeutic so I feel a bit better already. Reading some of the posts have also encouraged me. Thanks to all.

    CJ

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2013 at 10:44 pm #

      CJ,
      I can’t tell you how much your situation breaks my heart. I am a pastor’s daughter in law. I understand how difficult it is to be a pastor and a pastor’s wife or family – the microscope that you are under all the time. I have a post about being a godly pastor’s wife – I think it was in Sept or Oct, or you can search pastor’s wife on my home page. I have seen many pastors’ wives ruin churches and pastors’ careers. Thankfully, my mother in law set a very good example as a pastor’s wife.

      I have seen God deal with some pastors’ wives on my blog and change them from being full of contempt, hatred, bitterness, resentment, pride and self righteousness, to being broken, humble and ready to submit to Christ and their husbands.

      If you will allow me to, I would like to include you and your wife on the list for my prayer team to pray for this Wednesday. It is obviously God’s will for your marriage to be healed, and for your wife to respect you and honor your God-given authority unless you are asking her to sin or condone sin. I am sure you know how critical it is for your ministry and your children for God to open your wife’s eyes. Much is at stake.

      I am happy to pray for you any time. I can’t wait to see what God has in store!!!

      • cj
        February 25, 2013 at 11:15 pm #

        Thank you again for taking the time to read the posts (as well as the many others). Ofcourse you can pray. I welcome and appreciate it. Thank you. I will check the other blogs you mentioned as well as your husbands. I will post again soon. Thanks.

        CJ

    • MARIE
      April 1, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

      A wife going to another church? THAT should NOT be happening; especially if you are the pastor. There is no need for special command of manhood esoterica here, a wife should be with and under her husband.

  8. Darling
    February 25, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

    My husband and I are both guilty of the list above, so where does that leave us?

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2013 at 10:35 pm #

      Darling,
      The great news is, whether your husband does anything or not, you can change your behavior, and that will begin to heal your marriage, especially if you repent to God and seek to set your heart completely on Christ and not feeling loved or being in control. There is a post at the top of my home page about respect. As you cut out the negativity, lecturing, criticizing, controlling, scolding, sighing, scowling, eye rolling, etc… You will begin to become much more the woman you have always wanted to be and that God has always wanted you to be. Then when you begin to add respect and cooperation with your husband’s leadership and the power of God working in you, it is a recipe for miracles! First, God will change you. And as your voice of negativity goes silent, and you begin to praise him, thank him, appreciate him and build him up about the good things, he will be able to hear God’s voice much better than ever and God will use you as a partner to draw your husband closer to Him. You can’t change your husband. But God can. And if you want to see your husband become a godly man, the most powerful thing you can do is become a godly wife and obey God’s Word for you in Ephesians 5:22-33 and I Peter 3:1-6. This is a long process. It takes time. But it is the most amazing thing you will ever do in your life! God doesn’t guarantee your husband will change, but if your husband can change, this is the path to take. And God does guarantee He will change you! :). So you can have His peace and joy when you follow Jesus no matter what your husband does or does not do. Let me know how you do! Check out the Peacefulwife videos link at the top of my home page. I have a Youtube video about how to apologize for our control and disrespect to our husbands and a lot of other topics. My youtube channel is “April Cassidy”. I am praying for you and your husband and your marriage! Praying for God’s will and His greatest glory!!!!

  9. Trish
    February 25, 2013 at 10:24 pm #

    Thank you for this, I just found your blog tonight. I have been seperated from my husband for over a year now and I desperately want him to come home. In the last few weeks God began to show me what I was doing wrong and how I was completely focusing on my husband’s faults and not looking at my own. I repented to Godand asked for forgiveness. I also asked my husband to forgive me (through a letter because we no longer talk much or see each other) and have begun to work on myself and learn to put God first. I am trying to learn to leave things in God’s hands and not try to fix them myself. I realize now that I need to move out of the way and let God be the head of my life. I actually thought I was being a good wife, but after reading some books over the past few weeks I realized I was doing almost everything wrong. It was an eye opener for me and I am glad I found this infomation when I did. I am now striving everyday to become the woman and wife that I know God wants me to be.

    • peacefulwife
      February 25, 2013 at 10:48 pm #

      Trish,
      Praise GOD! I am thrilled about what God is doing in your soul!!! I love how you apologized in a letter. It will take a lot of patience now and trust in God, but this path is so worth it and it is the only path that might bring reconciliation for your marriage. You remind me of myself four years ago.

      I am glad to walk this road with you and pray with you and hash through any issues you might have! Arilc@sc.rr.com

    • cj
      February 25, 2013 at 11:20 pm #

      Trish, there is hope. My wife and I were separated as well and God worked it out for us to get back. When God does reunite you just be careful not to fall back into the same pattern. Peacefulwife can probably eloborate much better than me. Praying for you.

      CJ

  10. CJ
    March 1, 2013 at 11:10 pm #

    Hello,

    I have another one to possible add to the list:

    Putting down or belittling the husbands family in front of the kids. This has the dual purpose of insulting/disrespecting the husband by association (your family is bad, so that makes you at the very least questionable) and making the children not want to associate with the husbands side.

    Hoping not too many have had to deal with this.

    Praying for all readers and writers of this blog!

    CJ

    • peacefulwife
      March 2, 2013 at 6:52 am #

      CJ,
      I am sure this is extremely common. And it is a very good point. Thank you for adding this to the list!

  11. The Me I Wish I Was
    March 6, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

    Wow! I have read so much on how to be respectful that I have missed how to not be disrespectful. Sad to say I regularly show disrespect – even unintentially…

    As a woman, it often feels that it is best to be seen not heard, to plaster a smile on, and to only speak when spoken to (and with that – only speak positively)… It is hard! I have a mind! I have an opinion! When he fails or is depressed or just doesn’t care, I am expectedd to step up and maintain everything (quite litterally), giving back that control and power is hard, mostly for fear that he will fail again, and all will be worse than if I just do it all myself.

    All of that said – I want to be respectful, and I want to stop being disrespectful. I am unsure how to balance those wants with trust that I will be loved, cared for, and secure.

  12. Sarah
    March 9, 2013 at 11:00 pm #

    My husband constantly feels as though I disrespect him and uses this word regularly in our relationship. The first issue I disrespected him over was agreeing to always take care of my body and stay around a certain weight. I had a baby and 3 and 1/2 years later I am 20 pounds overweight. He feels very uncared for and disrespected by this. Another example is that I took a job closer to home after we had the baby and I wasn’t making the kind of money that I did at my previous job, putting some pressure on him to make more. (He waits tables) He constantly asked me to get a different job and said that because I waited so long to change jobs, I was disrespecting him. Also, we spent some money on a home daycare that I didn’t do enough to make successful and he said I disrespected him because he used his extra money for it. Another example is that I have a fear of driving to places that I’ve never been to and getting lost (HORRIBLE sense of direction even with decent directions) and on Monday we need to take our 3 year old to the doctor through a pretty unsafe part of town. I asked my husband to go with me, but that would require him to lose quite a bit of sleep as he goes to bed really late working on an extra gig that makes some extra money. I told him I could just take him to a local clinic instead so I don’t have to go by myself and he said I’m always the one to never sacrifice and that his only choice is to lose sleep or pay extra for a local clinic and that again he feels disrespected and put out without me having to sacrifice anything. I feel like I do SO many things in this relationship that leaves him unhappy and feeling disrespected. I’m pretty easy going and don’t usually have any issues with him other than I feel on the defensive so often. Am I that inept at being a good wife? I really am trying to use life situations to better myself as a person, but gosh I can’t explain how all of this makes me feel. Part of me says swallow my pride and humble myself to learn and care more about how to avoid making him feel this way and the other part of me wants to run to a secluded island for some peace, but then again if i AM truly not putting forth enough effort for him, Then i won’t be doing either of us any favors. I’d ask other men for their thoughts, but I know each feels disrespected in differing ways. I can’t figure out how to meet his needs without feeling negative myself.

    • peacefulwife
      March 11, 2013 at 10:32 am #

      Sarah,

      I am so glad to hear from you!!!

      Husbands definitely do need respect and thrive on respect. Just like wives need love and thrive on love. I had it pretty easy when I was learning about respect and disrespect because my husband was not demanding or controlling or critical of me. He mostly lets me do and be whatever I want to and puts very few limits on me. He is easy going and calm. He is easy to please.

      When a husband is constantly citing “disrespect” – it can be excruciating for a wife. Sometimes there are some husbands who just seem impossible to please or who have very exacting standards. That makes a wife’s job so much harder.

      What was your dating relationship like? Was he controlling at all, would you say?

      What was your parent’ relationship like?

      What was his parents’ relationship like?

      Are both of you believers in Christ?

      – WEIGHT – some husbands do indeed feel disrespected if they feel their wife isn’t “taking care of herself” to look her best. Losing baby weight can be a lot harder than many of us expected! It would be awesome if your husband could offer you some grace here. Or if he was willing to watch the baby while you work out – that might be a way he could support you more and make it easier for you to fit in exercise into your schedule. But you can’t control him, ultimately – you can only control yourself. If this is a big issue for him – try to decide what steps you could take towards a healthier diet and exercise. Maybe you can cut out desserts and go for walks/jogs with the baby during the day? Do what you can to take care of yourself – but don’t go crazy and start into any addictions or obsessions to try to be thinner. Try to wear clothing that he likes and wear your hair and make up the way he likes it whenever you can. Men often find a lot of their own sense of identity from the appearance of their wife. They also tend to feel respected when they have a wife who seems to respect her appearance. That does not mean he can order you around and demand that you lose weight. It’s good that he is trying to tell you what makes him feel disrespected – and then you can do your best to address the issue – but it is possible there may be some times that you can’t completely please your husband. Do your best, pray about it to God, ask your husband for what you need and then if he is still upset, that might be more of a problem on his end with expectations than your end of the relationship.

      – JOB – How long did it take for you to change jobs from the time he asked you to?

      – DAYCARE – sometimes in spite of our best attempts, we won’t make all the money we had hoped to make. Thank him for his faith in you and for the opportunity and ask him if there is something he sees that you could do differently. Does he want you to continue to try that?

      – DR’S APPT – If you ask him to go with you and he doesn’t want to go – he can say no. You can try to go without him and maybe google map the dr’s office first so you can find it more easily on your own. I’m awful with directions, too! If you find him getting upset when you ask him to do something – it is ok for him to say no! It’s also ok for you to ask for things. Maybe he is just feeling overwhelmed, stressed, depressed or something? Trying to compare which one of you suffers more or sacrifices more is a really destructive mindset. You are ONE. You are a TEAM. You can’t change him or his attitude. But God can help you change yourself. what do you say to him and what tone of voice/facial expressions do you use when he starts getting upset about what you asked?

      What happens if you say that he hurt you? What happens if you tell him you feel sad about how much he criticizes you?

      How does he act towards his mom or towards coworkers and other people in his life? How does he treat the waitress if you go out to eat?

      Let’s talk about this some more and walk through this together!

      Much love to you!

  13. MARIE
    April 1, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

    A lot of these, I totally get. I am a single woman, and have often said of myself that perhaps I have a slightly higher dose of testosterone or ego sensitivity than most other women. It is important in ANY leadership position with ANY COMBINATION OF GENDERS to have a united front; undermining your husband in front of the children is just not smart.

    Anyway, for those I disagree with to some degree or completely or those that I just think need to be qualified; I want to have a hearty, comprehensive discussion with my man about his understanding and feelings about the fact that he is not infallible. Some of the items on this list are tantamount to not making a distinction between asking him a question and “questioning” him, his manhood, his intellectual faculties, yea even his very presence. If a man truly understands, believes, and has made peace with the reality that he is not infallible, then there is no way he should interpret some of the natural human responses such as a facial expression of doubt or hesitation or not being sure about something he’s saying (at least not immediately) as a personal attack.

    I think that some of these items are based in the socialization of men and not how God made them. It’s kind of like one ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT AND WELL OVERDUE observation and theory that Stephen Arterburn put forth in his book about sexual temptation: that while men have a God-given, strong sexual drive with a visual linkage, that drive can be exacerbated and increased to an unnatural degree by the onslaught of sexually suggestive and explicit material surrounding and coming at them; I think the same principle applies to the degree of sensitivity they have about some of these crimes of disrespect.

    If we take everything on this list on its face, without any analysis or qualification, (and I am a thorough believer that such analysis and qualification should be done on a case-by-case basis, from relationship to relationship, with each woman’s respective man because not all of us and not all of them are the same) then it would be tantamount to expressing ONLY approval as though everything he does is awesome, which is simply not reality. When men are sad, you might see it on their faces. When they feel disappointed or have doubts, you might get an expression of that in their gesticulations or even tone of voice (up to but not necessarily including yelling). We are human and should not have to repress, as a matter of course, the truth of how we feel just because he thinks his manhood will be blown to smithereens; I don’t see enough exploration of the likelihood that, with some of these, the basis for feelings of disappointment are an unrealistic expectation of the wife or an unrealistic belief about himself.

    The fact is, there are a lot of men out there who believe they are never supposed to be wrong and/or that bringing any sort of attention to the fact/reality/truth that he JUST IS wrong, is always MORE WRONG that whatever his damaging error was. I’ve seen men who have deliberately avoided communicating ways in which they are unhappy or feel deprived in a relationship and go act out in some way that is hurtful even sinful, all the while justifying themselves, because it is obviously some universal law that their ego must be avenged and she should have intuited that she has transgressed. I’ve seen too many men gamble away rent or food money, searching for affirmation or validation of their idea of what they are entitled to as a man or their own potency–which our society has not been set up to examine. Having confidence in a man’s ability to make sound decisions on your behalf and on the behalf of those who came out of your physical body is a very serious matter.

    Women are in probably the riskiest position one can be in, forgoing the opportunity to make her own provision in life and being free of dealing with the battle of wills that children bring, when she marries a man. She takes his name and trusts that he will not do something nationally or internationally embarrassing because of a bad decision or liaison, which will scar and follow her and her children for the rest of their lives (Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, Bernie Madoff, that Weiner guy, Clinton, Schwazeneggar, etc.). I think, for reasons like this, reluctance toward the enterprise of marriage and family is warranted; it is based upon ACTUAL BEHAVIOR FROM ACTUAL MEN that young women like me have seen and it seems to be pathological. If men are so much more sound in their judgments and decision-making abilities by the simple fact that they are men, and more preferable to a woman in so many cases (because of the inherent defect of our being “emotional” many have said) then why this cycle? I know it may not feel good to hear, but men who want a wife to rest her full weight and that of her children on him DO have something to prove (not ten years into the marriage when he has done well by them overall, mind you).

    My heart and soul would absolutely SING, HUM, SCAT, BE-BOP, AND RAP for a man who will just do what God told him to do toward the wife without playing this game of sending silent passive-aggressive, punishing “hints” that she has disrespected him; for a man who understands that he serves God and IS NOT God so expecting me to “support” him in the form of not using the intelligence God gave me to gently scrutinize or review his proposed (not simply announced) decisions here and there is unrealistic (after all isn’t it my proper role to make sure his blind spots are covered and help insure and insulate our team effort?); for a man who understands that it is simply NOT REALITY for a wife to NEVER GIVE ANY HINT that she doesn’t feel like having sex, just the same as it is NOT REALITY to expect a man to go whistling out the door every day he’s off to the battle and warfare of competing to provide for his family yet again (love is not about feeling like doing what needs to be done, it’s about doing what needs to be done because it is what God told us and made us to do, and because it simply needs to be done). I’m just saying, it may take me a moment or two to “get in character”, so to speak, when he wants some and I feel all dried up or tired or preoccupied in my thoughts or just plain uninterested in the act itself.

    If and when I do get married, I don’t want to be hooked up with someone who is looking for me to confirm his God-complex or build from the ground up what he should already know, have established, and come to a place of being satisfied with concerning his identity and worthiness (God’s job). Please don’t think I’m insensitive and cruel, it’s just that I know how much that kind of expectation from a man weighs, and I am SURE that God never designed or intended me to tiptoe and stress myself trying to make sure I avoid such a long list of things lest I devastate his manhood or masculinity. Why would God command us as wives to respect and reverence our husbands and create them to be THAT SENSITIVE to where we can’t even cock an eyebrow when he starts communicating a vision of where he would like to take us? That is not a man I can respect: one who will fall apart so easily, especially one who knows me and how I process things. We can bring a genuinely-felt complaint or grievance before God in prayer but we can’t express dissatisfaction with a created man?

    Finally,
    LADIES: a man of character, and especially a God-obeying man, will feel MORE NERVOUS THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE when he brings a direction he wants to take to his wife that will affect everyone (especially something big like, “I want to quit my job and start my own company”). Simply saying, “Okay, I’m with you.” is GOLD to him.

    MEN: Simply saying, “Okay, I’m with you.” is GOLD to him. I DO GET THAT, but I just want you to know, from this woman, with this particular set of hesitations and concerns, too many of your team, so to speak, have given me cause for pause and I need some incentive sometimes to believe that such a victory (being found by and marrying a man whom I can totally trust this way) is not just fantasy in this day and culture, where many mens’ minds are perverted, misogynistic, or just chronically immature–often hiding beneath one or two scriptures taken out of context. Women like me want to be fully feminine and have not a worldly care, and build peace in our homes where tomorrow’s leaders are properly indoctrinated–it’s just been quite a mess lately and we need some reassurance and healing. So, in the meantime, you may see just a few seconds of something other than ecstatic cheerleading when you try to function in your God-given role. You all are a representative order, and the deeds of some of your brothers have corrupted what should be the simple process of taking a wife and stepping right into heading a family. I have been greatly pleased to see some efforts from some groups of men to confront, in self, their own causal contributions and by calling out the “knuckleheads”. As goes the man, so goes the nation.

    • peacefulwife
      April 1, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

      Marie,
      Thanks for your comment!

      Men feel disrespected when they are questioned in certain ways sometimes. That is why I talk a good bit about how to share our feelings and desires and concerns with our men in ways that get our message across as respectfully as possible. This list is compiled from about 9 different husbands. Each man has his own ideas of what is respectful and disrespectful – so what is most important is what your man thinks – not this list. Of course we are not always going to agree. Of course they will be wrong. If you are with a man who cannot admit fault or wrongdoing – run and run fast if you are not married to him!

      It’s great to meet you!

      • Brenda
        July 22, 2013 at 12:04 am #

        What if you are married already?

        • peacefulwife
          July 22, 2013 at 7:34 am #

          Brenda,
          THis whole post is about women who are married already. The response I gave to Marie was a bit different since she is still single.
          If you are married – then I would suggest focusing on your relationship with Christ and obeying Him in your marriage and leaving room for God to work in your husband.
          Would you like to talk about what is going on? :)

          THanks for the question!

    • CJ
      April 1, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

      Hi Marie,

      If I may indeed reply to your post: I actually agree with some things you say. However, I think the general purpose of the list was to find some commonality in things that men feel are disrespectful. I can’t speak for all men, but most of the God fearing men I know do not think themselves to be perfect or have the God complex. All men however, have the affects of the sinful nature to deal with, and a culture that denies God in every way conceivable. This is not an excuse but a reality. Likewise, women also have to deal with the same fallen nature and as a result there is this situation that arises in marriage where men do not always love correctly and women do not respect adequately. You stated “the simple process of taking a wife and stepping right into heading a family” Unfortunately, I don’t think that is a simple process for any couple.

      I think most Godly men expect their wives to be inquisitive or ask questions of them. It’s not all the time what you say, but how you say it. Some of the problem lies there. Both men and women want to be understood in ways that are appropriate to them. A man’s make up is much different than a woman and therefore a woman dealing with a man is much different than a woman dealing with another woman. it’s not about passively agreeing with everything he say with saying anything. it’s about respecting his intentions to make the right decision and honoring his role as husband and father. Most men will become passive only after they feel that doesn’t respect them or to avoid their anger. I don’t think it is because men are too sensitive or have the God complex.

      I just think its a bit more complex than how you have it laid out. I hope I’ve made a little sense and I hope i have adequately understood your position!

      CJ

      • peacefulwife
        April 1, 2013 at 10:22 pm #

        CJ,

        Thank you – I appreciate your thoughtful and insightful response. Thank you for speaking for the godly men out there!

      • MARIE
        April 10, 2013 at 6:37 pm #

        Thanks CJ.

        You may have heard one of the latest stats bandied about, how that more people are marrying LATER or waiting longer to get married. I have been one of those. I am now 35, and while I have kept myself physically for my future husband, I admit that I’ve basically been doing my own thing. I realized quite vividly last year that it can really come down to selfishness about 60% of the time I’ve said to myself, “A husband? Hmm, I don’t know about that. MAINTENANCE. And children, I know they like me, but I don’t know how I feel about them; I mean I like the idea of children, but actual in the flesh ones of my own–an entirely different situation…this is such an evil world anyway and it’s all gonna tank anytime now right?” I now know that most of this is due to the influence of the grossly self-centered and arrogant culture we have these day; most everywhere I look people are just busy trying to build their own personal empires.

        One thing I am grateful for, I’ve not been one of these women who give dirty looks and have this attitude as though being a stay-at-home mother is something to despise or that it is not where the “real action” is. I’m starting to understand that there apparently have been a LOT of women out there who don’t give their husbands a chance to really be the man, and treat him like they have to preemptively strike with their alternative fix-the-problem plan the split second it appears that the big oaf is going at it with his two left hands again. Frankly I just didn’t not know that there are enough women out there whose actions would reasonably create the appearance of a norm for female behavior with the way that they whine, usurp, and withold affection because they didn’t get their way–shocking.

        Anyway, I know what you’re saying about men retreating rather than fight is true because I’ve seen it time and again; true leaders don’t fight to lead anyone, the lead because of who they are and because of their faith in certain principles that simply are reflective of truth (which always wins). For me, I mean, I’m a native Californian, just moved back for a final period of exploration of parts of the state I’m less familiar with after living in Tulsa for six years. I’m about to move to a state with a larger concentration of people with the same (the liberal activism out here is CUH-RAY-ZEE); besides, I’m just done with California and all of its unique challenges. Then it dawned on me a few months ago, like a real revelation, “Um, you would have gotten over all of this trasping all over the country years ago if you’d not been so biased against having a husband and family of your own. What if where you live should be decided based upon where you will have the most freedom as a mother to raise your children without a Godless government all in your business?” WHAM. So much for all the time I’ve been spending on Amtrak enjoying the views while working on my THIRD degree. I was waaay too focused on being successful and making sure I had a chance to parlay my own gifts–yet have only accomplished half of what I’ve wanted to do with myself!

        Anyway, thanks so much for your insight; we contend indeed with a fallen world and I now TOTALLY GET why God instructed that the home be structured according to a specific ideal–the husband & father goes out to the battle to provide and the wife & mother stay and hold down the fort to protect what has been provided, create a peaceful place to recover and indoctrinate the children to fear the Lord. So simple, but so complicated.

  14. takingcareofgrandma
    April 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    Many if these could apply to husbands as well. Some situations may warrant detachment from the husband, such as an emotionally abusive relationship or one in which the husband is a “fool” by biblical standards. Husbands must also realize that sex will be a chore for his wife is 1) he is only kind, communicative, affectionate only when he wants sex, and 2) he is emotionally abusive and there is emotional detachment on the part of the wife.

    • peacefulwife
      April 19, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

      Takingcareofgrandma,
      Absolutely many of these things would be disrespectful if a husband did them to his wife.

      And I agree with your observations. Thanks for sharing!

  15. Nekiwa Smith
    May 20, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    Wow! My hubby complains the i disrespect continually by doing many of the things listed. I question many of the decisions hes made. I love you blog:) i will continue to read and d study so the even if he dont change inthe ways i think he outta i will change and bring glory to Jesus!

    • Nyillah
      July 2, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

      Nekiwa smith I can relate to your story I’m going through the same thing,thanks to April for helping us with her experience and support..

  16. patsy
    June 9, 2013 at 4:43 pm #

    Ok…..so basically the wife should be quiet???

    • peacefulwife
      June 9, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

      Patsy,

      No! Wives don’t have to be quiet. :)

      When I was learning about respect/disrespect at first, I was quiet a lot. But that was because I realized that most of my words were negative, critical, condescending, lecturing, demanding, scolding, complaining, etc.

      I learned that all that negative stuff was disrespectful to my husband and dishonoring to God.

      But then I learned to use my words to build my husband up, to affirm him, to encourage him, to be thankful, to praise the good and to breathe life into my husband and my family.

      And I learned to express my desires, needs, ideas and feelings in a way that was respectful, kind, pleasant, polite and gracious.

      I actually have a LOT more power in my marriage now than I ever did when I was trying to control things myself and force my way – but it is a totally different kind of power, a power that seeks what is good for my husband and family and seeks to honor God and to do God’s will above my own.

      There is a post at the top of my home page about ways to show respect to our husbands that might be helpful. And there is another post linked at the bottom of that post where a number of husbands talk about what is respectful to them.

      thanks for the comment!
      It is wonderful to meet you. :)

      • sarah
        July 2, 2013 at 11:22 am #

        Some of the points are very valid but what about a husband that refuses to change when he does something bad ( smoking in house, playing video games entirely to long ( hours) and ignoring me and the kids ex: promised to watch movie with me instead played his game till it was bed time, complaining every time I ask to help with bath time ( kids 5,2) most of the time refusing. These have been discussed numerous times. I got so mad last night I couldn’t even speak to him. The kids destroyed the living room and his things were on the floor too. I said ” can you help me get the stuff off the floor so I can vacuum” he was still sitting on the couch 5 minutes later. Don’t remember what I said but he said ” your here all day” as if to imply I could have done it earlier but it was partly his mess. I felt insulted and didn’t speak to him. He didn’t say anything to me about the situation and went to bed hours later. He is the master confrontation avoider. I’m always having to start the communication .There is never any progress on his part with the things I talked about. Its so frustrating. I feel like I’m doing all the work / compromise.

  17. Nyillah
    July 2, 2013 at 6:20 pm #

    Thanks April for this List their are some things in here I will say I do example body language,poking lips,holding back when we have a disagreement etc.. I will totally stop some of these bad habit..
    He say he love but I want him to respect me too but I guess I have to do my part all the way with out looking or holding back in Jesus name I pray amen..

    • peacefulwife
      July 2, 2013 at 7:43 pm #

      Nyillah,

      Ideally, both the man and woman would respect and love each other. That is God’s beautiful design. :)

  18. Tammy
    July 16, 2013 at 12:57 am #

    Tears…. I was told by my husband I had criticized him, when all I thought I was doing was asking questions (questions regarding loans for our first child going to college). I came across your blog. With your list…. I have so much to work on- so many I was unaware of. 20 years of marriage….4 kids……life stressor of moving 2 states away from all family and friends this year…. I have so much growth to do. How or where do I start? This needs to be shared with young women…..before marriage. I am an active christian. my issue, i wont ever be able to vocalize my question (which are not intended as criticsm) and i told him that…. and said “so i will just listen and not say anything.” which isnt good, and makes me feel of no value and not involved. Any advice welcomed…. Tears.

    • peacefulwife
      July 16, 2013 at 6:01 am #

      Tammy,

      It is wonderful to meet you! :)

      I discovered the same thing 14.5 years into my marriage and thought I had been the best Christian wife. I was totally mortified.

      You may want to check out the post about respect at the top of my home page and the one about biblical submission.

      There ARE ways to say what you want and how you feel respectfully. It is kind of like learning a new language.

      I have a Youtube channel with a lot of videos, one of them is “How to ask your husband for things so he wants to say yes” – this does not mean he WILL say yes. But it is how to ask respectfully. My channel is
      “April Cassidy”

      I totally agree that women need this information before marriage. I have a site for single women, too… http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com where I am sharing this info with women before marriage.

      I WISH I had known these things 19 years ago!

      But – God can change us now. We can become the women He desires us to be by His power.

      There is also a video about “How to Apologize for Your Disrespect and Control” that I think would be a great one to watch.

      Let me know if you have concerns or questions – we will walk this road together. :)

  19. Hurting in the USA
    July 22, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

    I just read through this list of things a husband feels disrespect from- I also read the wife’s list as well. I am a wife and reading through the husbands list was so painful. Not because I do these things to my husband but rather he does them to me!! I can’t say anything without some form of correction or contradiction. He makes plans every weekend without me or including me. I’m left to deal with it along with our children. He makes fun of me in front of of our children as well as friends. He withholds sex from me then flips it around to say I’m withholding it. He quits his jobs because he needs a “break” then screams at me we have no money. We’ve been married 20 years. It feels like I’ve wasted 20 years with someone who hates me!!

    • peacefulwife
      July 22, 2013 at 3:56 pm #

      Hurting,
      I am so sorry for your pain! These things do hurt wives too if husbands do them to us.

      It is great to meet you!

  20. Dan Bradshaw
    July 22, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

    What is disrespectful to me? When My wife rearranges my tools or other personal items.

    Hey I’m not that guy who leaves his stuff all over and lets any kind of smell permeate. We have a 3 bedroom apartment, paid for as I am the site mgr. I also have another property that I begged for when my wife was laid off. I also take the initiative to run all over town to rent other units for the fabulous property mgmt. company I work for to get additional money in as the EDD that my wife gets and my income doesn’t do the trick.

    Sooo why then can anyone tell me that my wife has to go into the small closet of the 3rd bedroom and touch my tools, she is not using them, she stacks them and covers them and arranges them and Im about now paralyzed over this whole thing.

    Cant I get just a little respect to leave those things alone? I literally go into a compulsive disorder when I cannot find something as simple as the Garbage Disposal “key”.

    Of all the 3 bedrooms, I have tried to point out I only have 1 piece of the walk in closet, 1 office that is the man cave, work out room too… and one tiny little wall closet that has my tools.

    • peacefulwife
      July 22, 2013 at 5:24 pm #

      Thank you for your perspective on this issue, Dan.

      I obviously don’t know your wife – my guess is that she may feel like she is “helping” to organize things?

      I think the most disrespectful thing I probably ever did was when the AC guy was coming the next day – and I ‘told’ my husband to clean up his messy side of the garage, and he wouldn’t. So I went down the steps and cleaned up everything myself and organized it all.

      My husband usually does not get upset about much. But he definitely got upset about that!

      Now – I leave his tools alone!

      But before I began to study how men think and what respect means – I thought I was being “helpful.” Turns out that sometimes what is “helpful” in a wife’s mind is “controlling” or “disrespectful” in a husband’s mind.

      I doubt she has evil motives towards you.

      If she likes to read books, suggest “For Women Only” and I bet she won’t touch your tools after that!

      Or, hopefully, you could gently, calmly ask her to please not rearrange your tools, that you don’t like it when she does that. Hopefully that would be enough to solve the issue.

      Thanks for the comment!

  21. Freda Jordan
    July 27, 2013 at 11:48 am #

    I’m telling you, I loooooove this blog. i love, love, love it. I am someone whom God is working a lot on. God is encouraging me to leave the tv alone and is helping me to do by finding awesome, godly, biblically encouraging blogs to read and learn from. So I’ve been finding a lot of new awesome blogs lately. And this is my absolute favorite. God is helping me through you and through what I find here. Thank you!

    • peacefulwife
      July 27, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

      Freda,

      Thank you for sharing! What a blessing and answer to many prayers. :) I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you!

  22. Sandhya
    August 10, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

    Thank you soo much madam for ur wise words.. I am a blessed wife, my husband is a family man but I have been crying a lot for the past 7 years of marriage life coz he does not verbally express his love, he does not give any gift, never say “I love you” never takes me for outing etc. (but he cares for the family absolutely well..) For which I keep complaining all the time.. But I realised that I have to take care of many things that I otherwise ignore.. And I now realise that he actually cares for me.. thanks a ton!

    • peacefulwife
      August 10, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

      Sandhya,

      Sometimes our husbands don’t express love the way we would. But if we are willing to understand them, we can learn to see all the ways they do show their love and we can learn to be thankful for the men we have. That is a huge step towards a better life, a better marriage and a closer walk with God!

      I am so excited for you!

  23. David
    August 13, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

    Where can I find a women to explain your thinking to her because she will not listen to me and I am ready to file for divorce. help!

    • peacefulwife
      August 13, 2013 at 10:20 pm #

      David,
      I am so sorry!

      I pray God will give you wisdom and His Spirit’s power to know how to best lead and love your wife – that you might be the godly man God desires you to be. And I pray that He might open her eyes to His Word and His truth, that she might be the godly women of His dreams!
      I am available to women who want to initiate communication with me.

  24. Gayle Smith
    August 16, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    I’m unequally yoked w/controlling, flirting husband -how do I respect him? How do I enjoy sex w/him when he flirts w/other women & sees nothing wrong w/it??
    Plz email me an answer. Thx, Gayle

    • peacefulwife
      August 16, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

      If you get a chance, check out the post at the top of my home page about “Respect and Sexual Attraction” :)

  25. Push
    August 21, 2013 at 3:12 am #

    Wow..this is so true.God bless you for your effort.

  26. April1982
    August 31, 2013 at 8:29 am #

    Is this for real?

    • peacefulwife
      August 31, 2013 at 2:16 pm #

      April1982,

      Hello! It’s great to meet you! My name is April, too. :)

      Yes. This list is for real. It was compiled by real Christian husbands who wrote in to me when I asked men to share what is disrespectful to them.

      Check out my about page to see how God dramatically changed my heart and mind about His design for marriage and how learning to stop disrespect and begin to respect and honor my husband according to God’s Word – brought great healing, intimacy, freedom, peace and joy for me and my husband.

  27. Angel
    September 14, 2013 at 5:58 pm #

    Wow, is this for real? I thought we were in the 21st century! Asking him if he knows what he’s doing is disrespectful? I’m pretty sure marriage is about honest communication. I def agree with failure to show appreciate or support a disciplinary decision being disrespectful and counterproductive to running a family but this list is a little excessive and seems more about striking the mans ego than about creating a mutually respectable marriage!

    • peacefulwife
      September 14, 2013 at 8:07 pm #

      Angel,

      It is great to meet you. :)

      Yes, this is for real. Marriages in our culture today are in ruins. Our culture has taught us a bunch of extremely destructive ways to attempt to go about marriage.

      Thankfully, the Bible always has truth for us to benefit from. In God’s design for marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, He, the Creator of people and marriage, commands wives to respect and submit to their husbands. (submit means to honor the husband as the God-given leader, it is voluntary, it cannot be forced or coerced, it is not slavery.) God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it.

      The same God who commands husbands to selflessly and sacrificially love their wives commands wives to respect and honor their husbands. I know we don’t want to get rid of the “husbands love your wives selflessly” part!
      And our husbands NEED the “wives respect your husbands” part. When we honor them as the leader, sharing our desires and perspective and wisdom, but not forcing our way, being cooperative with them – they (unless they have serious issues) will want to step up and serve and do what is best for the family. Men respond to honor by desiring to protect and serve (ie: police, military, etc.).

      Why does God command us to practice marriage in this particular way?

      – It works.
      – His wisdom is infinitely higher than our own.
      – He made men to need respect more than love.
      – He made women to need love more than respect.
      – In His design, both husband and wife will love and respect one another, but the emphasis on wives respecting and husbands loving is because wives tend to automatically love, husbands tend to automatically respect – but we are sometimes bad about giving what we want ourselves instead of giving what our spouse needs – which can look very different from what we need ourselves.
      – ultimately, God designed marriage this way to be a living demonstration, a living picture of the profound mystery of the relationship between Christ and His church. The husband is to represent the sacrificial, selfless, giving love of Jesus for His bride, the church. The wife represents the reverence and submission of the church to Christ.

      ALL believers in Christ are called first to submit 100% to Christ. Then we obey Him out of our love and devotion to Him.

      All disciples of Christ are commanded to submit to God-given human authorities in Scripture:
      – government
      – bosses
      – leaders in the church
      – parents (for children until they are adults)
      – husbands

      If the authority asks us to sin or violate GOd’s Word, we must resist them.
      The authority of GOd’s Word trumps any human authority.

      God provides people in positions of spiritual authority to protect his people, provide for them and guide them.

      THose in authority will stand before God and give an account when this life is over.

      It is entirely possible for a wife to communicate well and share honestly and still be respectful.

      I don’t write for men, but God commands men to treat their wives with honor and to not be harsh with them, in addition to loving them with the unfailing, agape love of God. This is love that loves even when we don’t deserve it and can’t earn it. It is love that forgives, that gives mercy and grace. It is love that is gentle, patient, kind, not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, is not rude, is not selfish, is not prideful, always trust, always hopes, always perseveres. This is how husbands are to love their wives in GOd’s design.

      This is how my husband loves me. It is the most amazing place in the world.

      WHen I disrespected my husband, unknowingly, for over 14 years – he became very distant and unplugged and shut down. As I learned to stop my unintentional disrespect and speak his language of respect, he blossomed into the amazing man I always knew he could be.

      And now, I also get to be the woman I always wanted to be. No more nagging, criticizing, telling my husband what to do and trying to carry the weight of the family on my shoulders. I have peace, joy, great purpose, fulfillment and the marriage I always wanted – when I submitted to Jesus and was willing to obey Him even when I didn’t understand.

      Thanks for the comment!

  28. a johnson
    September 21, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

    EVERY HUMAN BEING deserves love and respect. Not a man one thing and a women another, when two people come together and treat each others as equals then a relationship will flourish.

    • peacefulwife
      September 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

      A Johnson,
      It is a pleasure to meet you.

      I completely agree that every human being deserves respect and love. Husbands and wives both need love and respect, even if they don’t “deserve” it. God absolutely looks at men and women as equals. We are all image bearers of God. We all have equal value before Him.

      I don’t disagree with you about that at all.

      I actually talk about this pretty often.

      Because I only teach women, I only talk about what wives can do on our end of the marriage to bless our husbands and to obey God’s Word.

      But just because I talk about what God commands wives to do in multiple places in scripture- that does not negate all of the things that God commands husbands to do.

      God commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. He commands them to be selfless and to sacrifice themselves for their wives. He commands them to be gentle and not harsh with their wives. He commands them to treat their wives with honor as the weaker vessel because wives are co-heirs with the husbands in the kingdom of God.

      God commands wives to respect their husbands and submit to (honor) them as the God given authority in marriage with the wife representing the church and the husband representing Christ. Marriage is to be a picture of the profound mystery of Christ and His love for the church and the church’s reverence and submission to Him. God also commands wives to love (affectionately with brotherly love) their husbands and to be subject to them (Titus 2).

      In I Corinthians 11:3, God reveals His authority structure for marriage God is the head of Christ, Christ is the head of every man, the head of the woman is man (her husband).

      A lot of people today seem to think that if a person has authority, that means he has more value than others. Submission began in the Godhead – the Son submits to the Father out of love. Jesus and God are equal in value. They are both God. Submission is not about inferiority. The world may say that, but that is not at all what God’s Word teaches.

      When God places authority over us, it is for our protection, guidance, provision and blessing.

      The concept of submission in the Bible is a military term which means “to rank under.” It is like the Captain and the First Mate on the ship. The First Mate has many responsibilities, so does the Captain. They are different responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean one has more value as a human being. The First Mate shares her wisdom, perspective, talents, gifts, abilities, intelligence and strength with the Captain and they make a strong team. If there is a disagreement, ultimately, the Captain is responsible to those above him for the decisions that are made. So he bears ultimate accountability, just like the husband will bear ultimate accountability for the family and marriage and the decisions that were made before God.

      Most wives today deeply love their husbands. Wives don’t need a lot of help with learning to love. We seem to do that pretty naturally. But where I know I had problems for the first 14 years of our marriage, and where many wives today have issues is that many times we don’t even realize that we are coming across disrespectfully to our husbands and we are wounding them and hurting our marriages unknowingly many times.

      This is a list I wish I had 19 years ago when we got married. I could have spared my husband and myself a lot of pain if I had understood what speaks disrespect and respect to men.

      May God richly bless your walk with Christ.

  29. a johnson
    September 21, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

    Oh and you left this out of your website, Ephesians 5:21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

    Which calls for ALL Christ followers to SUBMIT TO EACH OTHER, not just wives to husbands but also husbands to wives. Your website is all about wives submitting: taking whatever their husband may hand them and doing so with a smile on their face. That is ridiculous. You should be speaking hope and love into these women’s lives and yet you deceive them and tell them to submit and you imply that they are lower. That they mean less. That the bible teaches that they are less and called to do less, and that is NOT TRUE.

    • peacefulwife
      September 22, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      A Johnson,

      Yes, today “mutual submission” is very popular. The verse about believers submitting to each other in the body does indeed come right before the passage that is directed specifically to wives and husbands.

      Our dying to self and putting others first in every relationship absolutely honors Jesus.

      My concern is that it seems that sometimes people want to take verse 21 and then ignore the next 11 verses.

      The truth is that there are multiple places in scripture where God defines the husband as being the authority or head or leader and specifically talks about the wife submitting to the husband as the church submits to Christ. I know of no verse in the Bible where God specifically commands husbands to submit to their wives as the head.

      Husbands do have the greater responsibility and commands – to represent the very love of Christ, to be selfless, to lay their lives down to love their wives. That may look on the outside kind of similar to submission. He is putting her first and doing what is in her best interests.

      When both the husband and wife submit first 100% to Christ – as all disciples of Christ are called to do – and they both die to self and delight in obeying God and are full of His Spirit- it is the most amazing relationship EVER!

      Wives do not lose their voice in God’s design for marriage. We are free to say what we want and need. We are free to say how we feel. I believe it is our responsibility and duty to share our hearts and minds with our husbands – but to do so respectfully.

      Wives are also free to respectfully, gently, humbly confront their husbands about their sin.

      THere can be times a wife may have to separate from her husband if he is physically abusing her.

      You may certainly criticize me. That is fine.

      But I do not apologize for the message of God’s Word. It is His Word I desire to uphold. And it is His Word that dramatically changed my life and my marriage and I am forever grateful for the wisdom of God. His wisdom is infinitely higher than my own.

      I do not ask wives to do anything that God HImself has not commanded us to do as wives. I believe your issue is with God’s Word, not with me.

      I have seen God do miracles in literally hundreds of marriages in the past year and a half. I am so thankful for what He has done for me and I pray that you might experience His power working in your heart as well.

      My husband has a blog for husbands – he talks to the men about what GOd commands husbands to do.
      I only teach wives.

      All humans are of equal value before God. Galatians 3:28 attests to that and the creation narrative where God makes man and woman in His image.

      I believe that you are assuming I am saying things that I do not say.

      I appreciate your willingness to share your concerns.

      I pray that God might greatly bless you.

  30. mewhoami
    October 15, 2013 at 12:23 pm #

    Now *that* is a list! One glance at that would make a person believe that unless you are a perfect woman, there is no way that a man could ever be pleased. However, many of them are pretty basic. Most of the items on the list shouldn’t require too much work, if any at all. The majority of them should come naturally. With that said, I have so much work to do still. :) Out of curiosity, now I am going to jump over to your husband’s page http://respectedhusband.wordpress.com/

    • peacefulwife
      October 15, 2013 at 12:28 pm #

      mewhoami,

      Yes, it is a long list. God is able to use marriage and His commands for us to respect and honor our husbands’ leadership to make us holy and more like Christ. We can only do this by the power of His Spirit working in us – that is for sure! :)

      Enjoy my husband’s site. :)

  31. Embracing Grey
    October 25, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

    Great post!

    One thing I would add has to do with interactions with others.

    In past relationships there were far too many instances where the other party, whether spouse or girlfriend, was either allowing others to be disrespectful to me, or denying it was disrespectful at all. If a man propositions a woman he knows is married he is disrespecting both her and her husband. If either spouse allows others to consistently interfere with plans the couple has, she is ignoring their failure to be respectful as well as being disrespectful her self by allowing it to continue.

    It’s real easy for someone to be flattered by a proposition, or blow it off. It is also easy for someone to make excuses for friends, family, coworkers or employers. In fact, the harder thing to do is to speak up for yourself, your relationship and your spouse. But many times the right thing to do is the harder thing.

    • peacefulwife
      October 25, 2013 at 5:44 pm #

      Embracing Grey,

      Would you allow me to add these things to the list, please? That is extremely helpful.

  32. Rachel
    October 29, 2013 at 2:56 pm #

    Your blog and this article have completely changed my marriage and life, if I’m being totally honest. I can’t thank God enough for this wonderful insight! I had no idea how *I* was the one sabotaging my marriage. After reading this list just 10 days ago, I repented, and just the biggest weight ever has been lifted. My husband is now everything I always wanted, but didn’t know I had. I feel so free and just beautiful inside. It’s changed everything. I’m a MUCH better mother, as well. I finally feel like the woman God called me to be. I had so much guilt before, but I didn’t even know why. I just knew it started shortly after I got married, and I even wondered if it could have somehow been caused by my husband, but now I get it!! I was dealing with a lot of mental health issues, and things weren’t good at all, despite all I had done to try and fix things myself (oh, the wages of sin). I was the one who had to feel in control all the time. I, too, cried for 3 days after learning all of this and taking it all in. It was a lot to bear, but I wouldn’t trade it for the whole world. I’m happier now than I could have even imagined. I have been married for 10 years, but I feel like these past 10 days have been the best of our lives. We’re making up for lost time, and enjoying each other fully. I almost couldn’t believe how drastic the change was, especially since it wasn’t even difficult to do! His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I tried to do it all, and it was increasingly frustrating. But now I’m so FREE! Thank you, a million times, thank you! You’re doing a marvelous work! I pray you and your family are blessed beyond measure. Thank you so much for being obedient! You’re truly an inspiration and I’m going to share your blog so that more can be blessed as I have been. :)

    • peacefulwife
      October 30, 2013 at 6:17 am #

      Rachel,

      I’m so glad to hear from you! I KNOW! This can be VERY SHOCKING STUFF.

      I am THRILLED about what God is doing in your life and in your marriage. THis is a LONG journey – sometimes there may be setbacks or you may stumble. Get up and keep going. Keep your eyes on Christ. I hope you will let me know how you are doing!!!!! This is BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!! :)

  33. DaisyMae
    November 21, 2013 at 11:35 am #

    This is wonderful! I have printed out and put it in my Respect Dare Journal. Some of these that the husband’s shared, I did not see as being disrespectful. I would love to see the men weigh in on “mothering”. I tend to “mother” my husband. Yesterday, when we were leaving he had on a tshirt and no jacket. I didn’t say anything but I went back in and got his jacket and put it in the back seat. When we got to where we were going he grabbed it and put it on and was still complaining about being cold. What would have he been if I didn’t bring it? Today he just left in a t shirt and I wanted so badly to say, “Wait let me get your jacket.” but I wasn’t sure if I should. I feel bad knowing he is cold right now and I didn’t say anything. You would think he would walk outside and see that it is cold and come back for his jacket but that is not him. He is focused on what he needs to do only. So therefore I see him as needing some “mothering” at times. What do you think?

    • peacefulwife
      November 21, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

      DaisyMae,

      Some men would be offended by mothering. It depends on the man.

      You could just bring the jacket like you did the other day. That seemed to work well.

      Or you could say, “Baby, would you like your jacket?” in a pleasant, friendly, non-pressuring voice.

      Or you could just let him make that decision for himself. He is a grown man. He’ll realize soon that he needs to bring a jacket when it is cold. :)

      We are experiencing this conflict with our 11 year old son already. Many times, I suggest a jacket, but then let him decide for himself. If he is cold, he is cold. Next time he will hopefully make a better choice.
      :)

    • Slytheron
      December 1, 2013 at 12:45 am #

      I wouldn’t think it’s a problem. All you have to do is do it respectfully. I for one have not problem with criticism, mothering or even arguments so long as it’s all done with respect. Women need to observe how men treat each other. Watch closely how your husband deals with his friends. You’ll notice that there’s always an air of respect. There are certain things they just never say to each other. Watch their body language.

      Doing it silently was definitely not disrespectful at least I don’t think it was. If you had however said, ” Am bringing this sweater because I know you’ll start crying about being cold later…”. Now that would be major disrespect/ mothering. Mothering, even though some women think it means ” I care about you” actually means, “you can’t take care of yourself” and that is insulting.

      Men hate being unable to care for themselves and in fact men with disabilities need no mothering and you should take care to avoid it or else they may react in a hurtful way to you.

      • peacefulwife
        December 1, 2013 at 6:29 am #

        Slytheron,

        Thank you for sharing your masculine perspective. :) I appreciate it.

  34. Laura Scott
    November 29, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    Dear Peaceful Wife,

    I too, was changed by the Love & Respect book. I read it while on a business trip, and I think the people sitting near me on the plane must have thought I was nuts. So many words went right to my heart, and I realized how I had contributed to much of the heart-ache and unhappiness I had in my marriage (about 15 years at the time).

    I still work on respecting him, and I still struggle with it. Your blog and lists are so very helpful. Thank you.

    I’d like to run something by you and could definitely use your advice. My parents and husband have never really taken to each other. They have never gotten into fights or arguments, but they just don’t like each other.

    My husband’s way of dealing with this is to avoid spending time with them, even when they come over. So what often happens is when we have them over for dinner every few months or so, my husband doesn’t greet them at the door, or shake my father’s hand when he comes in. He is often downstairs in his office when they arrive, and it may be 15-20 minutes before he’ll even come up and say hello. Then he may hang around for a little while, but after awhile will disappear back downstairs.

    I know this is his way of avoiding a possible confrontation. He can’t stand the way my father criticizes our children and is opinionated about everything. Dad has never been one to “allow” open discussion. My husband doesn’t want to engage because if he does, I know he is concerned that he’ll blow up at Dad and that would be bad.

    So while I get upset that my husband “hides out” when mom and dad are here, I also understand why. But it also feels like he disrespects them.

    I’m torn between them, as I always have been. The fight is in my own head. Thankfully, no one brings it out into the open.

    Should I just let this go? Bring it up to my dh?

    Not sure what to do.

    Thank you,
    Laura

    • peacefulwife
      November 29, 2013 at 10:34 pm #

      Laura,

      It is wonderful to hear from you!

      I’m so glad God used Love and Respect to open your eyes, too. :) I’m EXTREMELY thankful for that book! But I definitely needed “Respect for Dummies” because I was so clueless what respect was!

      Your situation is difficult. It is important to honor your parents. But it is also important to honor your husband.

      Your greater loyalty now must be to your husband. You have a covenant with him that you do not have with your parents. You were to submit to your parents when you were growing up, but they are no longer God-given authorities in your life.

      I hate for you to be in a position to be caught in the middle of your parents and your husband, but your loyalty must clearly lie with your husband. Always.

      I would not insist that your husband do anything.

      You can tell him that it makes you sad that he and your parents don’t see eye to eye. BUT – let him know that you are on HIS team and you support whatever decisions he believes he needs to make and that you want to honor his leadership in this and all areas.

      He is trying to allow you to have a close relationship with your parents and is trying to protect you and the family from a big altercation that could result in people not seeing each other. I admire your husband for wanting to protect your relationship with your parents and not allow himself to create conflict.

      It would be awesome if he felt comfortable enough to be with them more and be more involved. But – he is obviously not comfortable with that.

      If your dad is disrespecting your husband, you could ask him to treat your husband with respect – but that would be something to prayerfully consider and maybe even to run by your husband first.

      Thank your husband for wanting to protect you and for being so considerate to allow you to have your parents over even though they have issues with him and he has issues with them.

      Praying for wisdom for you both!!!

      In Him,
      April

    • Slytheron
      December 1, 2013 at 12:51 am #

      Your situation is quite difficult but I think this situation would be easier to resolve once your husband knows you’re on his side on this. He probably fears offending you by getting into it with your parents as well.

      Let him know you support him fully even though you still care for your parents. Also try and talk to your mother about your concerns. But most important person to talk to is your husband. Let him know you’re on his team.

  35. CJ
    December 5, 2013 at 9:34 am #

    As a husband and father married over 20 years, i find that this topic is still a struggle in my marriage. As we are both Christians, it is often hard for me to understand why this particular problem exists. That being said, the insights on this blog have certainly been and encouragement to me. On many other sites, and even with counselors, the position is that the man must be doing something wrong in order for his wife to disrespect him. But what if a man is doing all he knows (not perfect, of course)?

    This to me adds to the frustration that many men feel, especially Godly men trying their best to be the person God wants them to be. So I encourage the peacefulwife blog (and your husband’s companion blog) to keep going and keep encouraging.

    I’m trying to be patient, but its very hard. It seems certain things are so ingrained in my wife’s personality, that it will be very hard for any change. Keep praying..

    • peacefulwife
      December 5, 2013 at 9:53 am #

      CJ,

      I always appreciate hearing your perspective. :) You add a lot to the discussion.

      There are MANY, MANY times, my brother, when a wife’s disrespect has infinitely more to do with her reverence for and submission to Christ than it has to do with her husband. It is really about her understanding of God’s sovereignty and whether she is truly trusting God or trusting the idol of SELF – like I did for over 14 years in our marriage, sadly.

      I know that it seems impossible from a husband’s perspective to imagine that a wife could not see her disrespect clearly and that she could not just stop doing it. Most wives I have worked with (and it has now been hundreds) – do NOT see their disrespect and their own sin. Usually, it is because of a warped and very tiny view of God and having self set up as god in our hearts. Not consciously – but subconsciously. It requires a complete and total tearing out of all the old sinful nature: pride, rebellion against God, lies from the culture, ungodly examples we have witnessed growing up, and tearing out our understanding of God, self, masculinity, femininity and marriage and then rebuilding on the foundation of Christ and His Word alone in order for us to see. Only God can open our eyes, ultimately.

      You might find some helpful explanations in my series about the Stages of This Journey And, you also may find some helpful information in the series running yesterday and today about “Submitting Under Protest” – check out the comments, too!

      Praying for God’s wisdom and power in your life and for His glory in your marriage. Praying for God to open your wife’s eyes if she cannot see clearly – and for her to become the woman of His dreams as you become the man of God that He desires you to be as well.

  36. CJ
    December 5, 2013 at 10:40 am #

    Thank you! I will certainly read the articles and get back to you about them. Thanks for your prayers!

  37. newlyweds2013
    January 2, 2014 at 2:11 pm #

    My marriage is just the opposite. I can’t get my husband to do anything he did before the marriage. It’s like. Now I got you and life is easy. No affection, hugs, kisses just cold. A great provider but not a loving being as before. Almost like an act.

    • peacefulwife
      January 2, 2014 at 5:54 pm #

      newlyweds2013
      It is great to meet you! :)

      Sometimes when men get married (and women, too) – they feel like they “won the prize” so now they don’t have to chase and hunt anymore. They can “relax” and “be themselves.” Women sometimes do this by not wearing makeup or fixing our hair or wearing nice clothes anymore around our husbands. Men sometimes do this by stopping some of the “wooing” behavior they used to do.

      What was his parents’ marriage like? Is there any abuse in his past? Any addictions/mental illness? What is his personality like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      What do you do when he doesn’t give you the affection you want?

      What does he say he wants/needs?

      Much love to you!

  38. Badideology.com
    January 11, 2014 at 10:46 pm #

    I think you make some great point in understanding who your husband is and how he reacts. I think there is also responsibility for a husband to recognize what are his triggers so that he may grow to reduce incidents. I think this falls along a blog written here about understanding that no husband is built the same. Here is an article that dives into understanding the core differences between personality strengths. Having unrealistic expectations can damage a healthy relationship. http://www.badideology.com/blog-posts/oh-you-have-the-ideal-sensitive-godly-husband-please-tell-me-how-i-should-be-exactly-like-him/

  39. Adelaide
    January 24, 2014 at 4:46 pm #

    Helo,can you please send me all the details on how to respect my husband,my marriage is falling apart,i realy need your help.thank you

    • peacefulwife
      January 24, 2014 at 5:13 pm #

      Adelaide,
      It is wonderful to meet you!
      I am so sorry to hear things are not going well.

      I have dozens of post on respect – you can search my home page for “respect.” There is a post at the top of my home page about ways to respect our husbands and it has a link to another post where a number of husbands share things that are respectful to them. :)

  40. ShatteredHeart
    January 25, 2014 at 11:28 pm #

    I was searching the web for “husband is disrespectful to wife” then this blog came up.. What if the wife is 30 years younger, sexy and beautiful according to the people who sees her, finished her degree with high honors, had her husband as her first and only boyfriend before finally getting married to him, she is exaggeratedly respectful, obedient and kind to husband but the husband still does all the disrespectful things on this list to his wife – not the other way around… Sometimes the husband would admit that his wife is too good to be true yet he would still be very disrespectful towards her.. I don’t know what else could be wrong.. I just want to know how could this be happening because it shouldn’t be…

    • peacefulwife
      January 26, 2014 at 6:31 am #

      ShatteredHeart,
      It is entirely possible for husbands to disrespect their wives, too. All people are wretched sinners apart from the work of Christ in our lives.

      Would you like to talk about what is going on?

      Much love,
      April

      • ShatteredHeart
        January 31, 2014 at 3:24 pm #

        Hi April,

        Thank you very much..

        My situation is very complicated.
        I don’t have parents or any other family to begin with..
        I know he is happy with me but suddenly he will have frustrations and I will be like his emotional punching bag because he can’t be that way to the people who are actually causing him the frustrations.. I’m the only one who can tolerate him..
        I guess it’s my fault because I’m treating him like a GOD..
        I don’t have anyone else to talk to about my sorrows.. I don’t have friends specially no male friends because that will make him feel insecure according to him..
        He is the center of my world and is capable of destroying me from inside.. I realized i don’t have to suffer this way just to show my love and respect for him..
        I’m trying to change.. It’s very hard to love him.
        I feel like men are only nice while they are still courting you..

        • David
          February 18, 2014 at 7:41 pm #

          My name is David and i am currently in a wild wild west relationship. My wife and i are in our mid 20’s and have 3 kids together. My wife takes care of the kids and i work and pay all the bill’s. On a daily basis she has to cuss, and disrespect me for anything. I’ve spoken to her, listened to her, have more sex with her and nothing, she goes back to her ways. This has been accuring for the last 3 years what should i do?? How can i show her im fed up??? Should i keep trying and keep being miserable or should i end things and live my life??? I understand its not good for the kids, but am i suppose to live an unhappy life with someone that killing the love you have for them

          • peacefulwife
            February 18, 2014 at 9:10 pm #

            David,

            It’s great to meet you!

            Well… I have seen different husbands approach this in different ways.

            Some husbands have printed off this list and asked their wives to read it. I have seen some wives repent in tears after that. Others just get angry.

            Some husbands pray for God to speak to their wives and show them their sin. I have seen that work sometimes. But – a husband must be right with God and Christ himself for those prayers to be heard, and we are not guaranteed the timing, of course. But – a husband can share his pain with his wife, but it will take God opening her eyes for her to truly repent of her sin and it will take His power and a LOT of time, prayer and hard work for her to change. This is a LONG, LONG journey for wives.

            Some husbands say, “I love you. I want this marriage to honor God. I want to do things God’s way. Here is what God says marriage is supposed to be about in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Corinthians 11:3, I Corinthians 13:4-8…) I want to do things God’s way from now on. I have things to work on. You have things to work on. I want to make this work. I cannot continue on like things have been. The way you have treated me has hurt me so much. I know you are hurting, too. I think that is because we haven’t been following God’s design for marriage, for faith in Christ, for masculinity or for femininity. Here is what I want us to do…” You may want to hold her, speak gently, reassure her that you love her but firmly say, “God has called me to lead this family in a way that honors Him and His Word. I want to begin doing that, and I need your support, respect, trust and cooperation, please.”

            You cannot force her to respect you. She cannot force you to love her. But, the closer you are to Christ, the easier it will be for her to hear God and be willing to follow you.

            I pray for God’s wisdom for you!

            My husband’s site is http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com

            You may also want to see the post and comments for “When She Surrendered” by my husband.

  41. Tiiu
    February 22, 2014 at 2:56 pm #

    Are you serious? Am i suppose to tiptoe around him all the time with a big grin on my face like an idiot? Every damn thing is disrespect to poor little man according to this list. God forbid if I express my opinion on anything.. I might as well get a divorce if I have to live like this.

    • peacefulwife
      February 23, 2014 at 6:20 am #

      Tiiu,

      Sounds like you are hurting a lot today. I’m so sorry that things are very painful right now.
      Thanks for your comment! :)

      Our purpose in life is to bring glory to God. He wants us to become the godly women He commands us to be. These things are not possible by our own power. But as He regenerates us through the power of His Spirit, He is able to remove our sin and give us the ability to be godly women and to bless our husbands and children in incredible ways.

      The amazing thing is, it is only when we are filled with His Spirit that we can have true joy, contentment, fulfillment, peace, purpose, and abundant life. Doing things God’s way by His power doesn’t cause oppression, it brings freedom, weightlessness and incredible satisfaction. We crucify our old sinful nature and put on our new self in Christ.

      When Jesus is LORD of my life, I say, “Yes, Lord” to whatever He asks me to do – after all – He gave His life for me so that I could be made right with God through His innocent blood shed in my place.

      God commands wives to respect and honor their husbands (Ephesians 5:22-33) – and He commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. My job is to take care of what He asks ME to do. I trust God to work in my husband’s heart.

      The kind of love God calls ALL believers to have for ALL people looks like this:

      Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails. I Corinthians 13:4-8

      If we are controlled by our old sinful nature, we will act in the following ways in verses 19-21 below, but if God’s Spirit is in control, we will act in Godly ways in verses 22-33 no matter how other people treat us. This is ALL about our relationship with Christ, it has nothing to do with what our husbands do or do not do:

      The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

      As we become the women God calls us to be, our godly nature inspires our husbands and they (unless they are extremely spiritually/mentally/emotionally sick) will eventually usually respond by showing love in return. But even if they do not, we are to be obedient to God in every thought, word and action because we know we will stand before God and give an account to Him one day.

      You CAN speak your mind and heart to your husband in a respectful way – and when you do this, your feelings will matter so much more to him than they ever could if he is feeling disrespected all the time. Men don’t do things for people who disrespect them. But they are usually very happy to serve those who treat them with dignity, honor and respect.

      All people need to be treated with respect and love.

      How is your walk with Christ?

  42. Anonymous
    February 28, 2014 at 12:36 am #

    I am so tired of reading about how women should respect husbands my husband demands obedience from me the way a father demands obedience from a child.i try to be respectful .but when I slip he is quick to call me rebellious in front of the kids and the kids repeat after him.I am always repenting but for him so hard he justifies his harsh responses.by blaming me for his actions.i have forgiven so much even things that a lot of women would divorce for

    • peacefulwife
      February 28, 2014 at 7:56 am #

      Anonymous,

      It is wonderful to meet you! Thank you very much for sharing your struggle.

      I am so sorry for your pain!!! God never commands husbands to demand respect or obedience from their wives. Our respect and biblical submission are voluntary acts that we do in obedience to and in submission to Christ alone. Yes, our husbands benefit – but they cannot force or coerce us to do these things anymore than a wife can force her coerce her husband to love her and lead her in a godly way.

      How is your relationship with Christ, my precious sister?

      What is it that you want to see happen?

      What do you need to be content and happy?

      Much love,
      April

  43. Lusungu Danny Chonya
    March 6, 2014 at 11:37 am #

    what I like about this is that it applies to women who aren’t in a relationship either..so that they know what changes they need to do before they get into a relationship. Most of my female friends need to read this so that they can have insight into a man’s mind regardless of religious affiliation, but unfortunately most will read it and not comply because of social environments..please keep teaching the ladies..blessings

    • peacefulwife
      March 6, 2014 at 3:10 pm #

      Lusungu,

      I totally agree that it would be so amazing for women to have the chance to learn this wisdom before they get into relationships with men or marriage.

      That is why I have a blog for the single women, too… http://www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com – and I have a post about disrespect and respect at the top of my home page there as well. :)

      Thank you for the encouragement!

  44. joseph fabula
    March 22, 2014 at 10:07 pm #

    I wish women understood

    • peacefulwife
      March 23, 2014 at 6:55 am #

      Joseph fabula,

      It is my prayer that more and more women will understand! I know that I sure didn’t understand for most of my life – but I am so thankful God opened my eyes to help me see and understand more about how men think and how valid their perspective is and the wisdom men have to offer and how very different they are from women. It is such a good thing that men are so different! Please pray that God might use me and others to shine some light on this so that many more women will understand men more accurately and desire to treat them (especially their husbands) with honor and respect even though our culture trashed the idea of honoring husbands and fathers long ago.

  45. Anonymous
    March 23, 2014 at 1:11 am #

    Please do not jokingly insult me in front of our children. If we were alone, it would be funny when you note how poor I am with directions or ask me to carry your emptied disposable drink cup by saying “Here, garbage boy.” Not funny in front of our kids because they want to get in on the joke too but I am an authority figure to them and they don’t understand when to quit. You leave me in the position of having to hurt their feelings and call your actions into question by not allowing my children to disrespect me. By the way, I never (an I mean never) criticize or insult you in front of them. TV says that it is funny for the husband to play the buffoon. Trouble is that men don’t find it humorous at all. Check out Helen Smith’s research.

    • peacefulwife
      March 23, 2014 at 6:52 am #

      Anonymous,
      Thank you so much for sharing. These are really important points. I appreciate your perspective very much.

  46. Mrs Russell
    March 31, 2014 at 4:39 am #

    I’m in a situation where I fear being verbally and emotionally abused by my husband. He feels I’m the only one that needs to change and he feels he can go out til 5-7am and expects me not to question him because I’m showing a lack of trust and being motherly. He used to go to church and now he’s started a new job as a correctional officer and he’s trying to get a sleeve tattoo and his ego has gone to an even higher level. This Sunday I asked him are you going to church and he said no so I kindly asked why not? He said because he’s taking a nap? So I kindly asked, why have you stopped going to church? I reminded him that we dedicated our son to God and they if it weren’t for me bringing him to church we wouldn’t be keeping our promise to God. And that it’s really lonely sitting in church for 6 months without my husband and how he didn’t like sitting in church alone when I used to have to take the baby in the baby room. He said that I’m offending him and that “your disrespectful!” I told him I’m not trying to be disrespectful I’m just reminding u that we are supposed to fellowship with believers and that he hasn’t been doing that and he said in response “I’m tired of you disrespecting me I don’t have to take this!” Then he gave the baby a kiss and wouldn’t even acknowledge me as usual and left me there the house. I’m trying to be respectful but I’m afraid that there’s such a thing as too respectful and too submissive where I can’t say anything to him. He put a pass code on his phone and of course won’t give it to me and I feel that is a very inappropriate thing to do because u don’t want me to touch your phone, he’s admitted to looking at porn instead of wanting to have sex with me. He recently texted a girl he claims to be a friend only on the nights he’s gone out til the next morning. So when I said why did u put a pass code on your phone he told me to leave it alone and don’t question him. I feel so abused! Like I’m supposed to be a robot and not express anything or ask any questions or he will get furious and talk down to me. My worth is measured by if I behave otherwise he won’t touch me or anything even in front of our 17mo old son. I don’t want him to treat his wife one day like this? Please help I want to be a submissive wife but I don’t know how without feeling abused and worthless?

    • peacefulwife
      March 31, 2014 at 5:58 am #

      Mrs. Russell,

      Yuck! What a painful situation. :(

      Well… when a man is far from God, his wife’s words about spiritual things will tend to repel him. That is why God gives us I Peter 3:1-6. But it sounds to me like you have very deep issues going on with him right now. I would encourage you to seek godly counsel.

      I don’t think that trying to talk to him about church and God is going to be an effective approach right now. I think it will push him farther away. But you are going to need some biblical, experienced outside help.

      I pray for God’s healing for you, for your husband and for your marriage. Thank you so much for sharing!

      PS

      http://www.xxxchurch.org has support info for people dealing with porn and sex addictions and their spouses.

  47. Mrs Russell
    March 31, 2014 at 12:51 pm #

    Thanks for your response and I agree I can’t talk about church to him anymore. I went to two different pastors from two different church’s one he was willing to the (the pastor who married us) he told me to love him the pastor to the church we now attend told me to separate. I’m so confused!

    • peacefulwife
      March 31, 2014 at 1:03 pm #

      Mrs. Russell,

      Are you safe?

      How is your time with God going?

  48. Mrs Russell
    March 31, 2014 at 1:08 pm #

    Yea he’s not physical at all. If anything I’m the one that hit him when he told me he was looking at porn instead of having sex with me even after I saved my virginity for him. I wanted to kill him for hurting me and manipulating me to think he was a good guy. I’ve grown closer to The Lord than ever before with all the pain from this marriage. I’m trying to learn to be a submissive wife but it’s hard when he’s passive aggressive and tries to hurt me by withholding love affection sex anything he knows I want n need

    • peacefulwife
      May 5, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

      Mrs. Russell,

      Do you believe he is cheating on you?

      I can’t tell you what you should do. I believe that you will need to be very close to Christ and able to be sensitive to His Spirit. But I can tell you that nagging and lecturing him will repel him and push him from God and from you. He appears to be very far from God right now. So I Peter 3:1-6 would be your assignment from God.

      How is your walk with Christ going?

      How long has he been addicted to porn?

      Do you know where he is going at night?

      Are you still having sex with him?

      What does you husband want from you?

      Praying for you!

  49. des
    April 21, 2014 at 2:22 am #

    Thanx April for this blog. I wish I could say that I am a peaceful wife. But ‘m rather depressed. To start off I have been married for 12 years. At this point I resent my husband for not taking initiative with anything that’s important to our household and family. When I say important it’s things concerning our children’s spiritual education/foundation, their education, home buying, home maintenance etc. I resent him for mostly leaving decisions and actions to me. Even of small things. When it comes to our sexual relations it’s another story. He initiates and drives but ina way that only pleases him. At times I have lovingly, gently mentioned what bothers me. But there have also been times when my frustration got the better of me and things weren’t gently said. What hurts me the most is that when I air things that hurts me or concerns me, he becomes defensive. And his attacks ALWAYS makes me feel like the wicked witch. Doesn’t matter if I were hurt or frustrated by things. I feel like my feelings must take a backseat cause I’ve highlighted things he does that affects me.

    • peacefulwife
      May 5, 2014 at 12:48 pm #

      Des,

      it’s great to meet you!

      How is your relationship with Christ?

      What is your husband’s relationship with Christ?

      What are the things you believe your husband should be doing that he is not?

      Have you stepped down and waited – as long as it takes – for him to lead?

      What was his parents’ marriage like?

      What was your parents’ marriage like?

      Is it possible that your approach sounds disrespectful to him even if you didn’t intend to sound that way?

      Have you apologized for the times you were hurtful with your words?

      How do you express your concerns to him exactly? What words, what tone of voice?

      I would suggest reading the posts at the top of my home page as a great place to start.

      Praying for you! :)

  50. Jeff
    April 25, 2014 at 4:36 pm #

    as a husband, I have failed in my responsibility as a provider and it has repercussions across the family that I cannot fix. The result is a disrespectful wife in many of the above items. Sex is boring and mechanical, if it happens at all. She hides her beautiful body from me often. The kids (6+) mostly go to her for questions even though I am unthreatening. Only my little 10 year old girl (and special needs girl) is fearless with me. I can blame my wife for the disrespect, but I feel that my job loss and career loss (years ago) did damage and she knows I am a failure. I am over 50. I cannot/would-not leave her. But I feel the tension of her total lack of trust in me leading. Prayer together is a joke-really! I can’t even do that right. I am giving up, but don’t know what giving up means, I am too old to wait for a fix. I ruined our life with my career failure. My resume is pathetic, I deserve a Wal-Mart job.

    -ex professional

    • peacefulwife
      April 25, 2014 at 5:55 pm #

      Jeff,

      My heart goes out to you and your wife!

      You know something? Husbands need respect, even when they don’t deserve it – hence God’s command to wives to respect their husbands in Ephesians 5:22-33. And wives need love, even when they don’t deserve it – hence God’s commands to husbands to love their wives in Ephesians 5:22-33.

      NONE of us deserve to be respected and/or loved all the time. We are all wretched sinners. THANKFULLY, there is grace, hope, help, healing and new, abundant life available in Christ!

      You may have “failed” earlier in the marriage. I am not sure that it was your fault that you lost your job and career. But even if it was your fault – that doesn’t mean that the marriage has to be over and there is no grace and can be no more chances.

      How is your walk with Christ?

      I know for me – and many other wives here – we used to think our husbands were to blame for our lack of respect, and that if only we were married to a “better man,” we would be respectful.

      I discovered that is not true. Actually, my level of respect for my husband is a tangible indicator of my level of reverence for and obedience to Christ. And a husband’s love and honor for his wife is a measure of his love and obedience to God.

      My disrespect had nothing to do with my husband. It had to do with my lack of faith in and trust in God. It had to do with my trust being in myself alone and having SELF, being in control, feeling loved, romance and my expectations above Christ in my heart.

      My husband couldn’t have been “perfect enough” back then for me to properly respect him because I didn’t know what respect meant or how to reverence Christ and submit myself fully to Him. Even if I had been married to Billy Graham, I would have been critical, controlling, condescending, untrusting, disrespectful, complaining, nagging and negative because THAT WAS WHO I WAS!!!! My husband doesn’t cause me to be disrespectful – what he does only reveals the true character of my heart. My sinful nature, pride, self-righteousness, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness were in control, not God’s Spirit.

      Yes, a husband can obey God and walk uprightly and do what is right – that can help a wife a good bit. The more you obey God, the easier it is for her to respect and trust you. But, ultimately, SHE is responsible for her respect for you in God’s sight and for her obedience to God and you are responsible to obey God yourself.

      It may be time to give up thinking that you can change your wife. We can’t change people. But God can! I have seen Him change me, change my husband and change hundreds of people here on this very blog.

      There is every reason for hope in Christ.

      When someone completely submits to Christ, they experience the power of God working in them to produce supernatural fruit – no matter what his/her spouse does or doesn’t do: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control come from a heart that is controlled by God’s Spirit.

      The question is not if you are a failure and don’t deserve her respect. This isn’t about you deserving her respect or her deserving your love. This is about us as individuals believing God’s Word and living in obedience to Him. And it is about giving our spouse what he/she needs even when they don’t deserve it.

      When God’s Spirit is in control – it doesn’t matter who I am married to, I am going to treat that man with honor, dignity, respect, self-control, gentleness, godly love, empathy, affirmation, encouragement, blessing and kindness – because that is what is welling up in my soul since I am plugged into Christ.

      When I began to understand God’s sovereignty and I relinquished control to Christ and focused on dying to self and living in obedience to Him – He radically changed me and filled me with His Spirit and I began to have His peace and joy every day. It took 3.5 years before my husband felt completely safe with me again. But God changed me. Then He began to change him. I didn’t change Greg. But God did, and my obedience to God made it much easier for Greg to hear God’s voice.

      I have also seen this happen in reverse – where a husband begins to fully submit to Christ and, in time, God changes the wife and heals the marriage, too. :)

      I am praying for you!

      I believe you will find much healing and hope here and a greater understanding of what may be going on. You are welcome to look around. :)

      My Husband Doesn’t Deserve My Respect

      My Level of Respect Has Nothing to Do with My Husband

    • peacefulwife
      April 25, 2014 at 6:18 pm #

      Jeff,

      PS,
      I think you may find out that you are not at all alone – that many, many (the majority, I would estimate) of husbands feel like you do.

      Check out:

      An Interview with My Husband

      Then, please search my home page for Nikka’s Interview – there are three interviews she shares with her husband, as well.

  51. Victoria
    May 4, 2014 at 3:06 pm #

    Hi there, Peaceful wife!
    My husband tells me rather often that I am disrespectful to him. I have asked him to do this, I asked him to tell me as soon as he can and in private (not in front of our children) when I am disrespectful to him. This way he doesn’t keep it in and build up a volcano to erupt, like he’s done before, and to better help me see exactly what I am doing wrong, so I can apologize and then correct it.
    He did it today (in front of our children) but, I don’t mind a once in a while in front of our children, because I want them to see a good healthy way of talking through these things in a Godly marriage. He said I seem to want to show off in front of others, appear like the boss. We had dinner with his cousin and her family, I am rather close to her and it’s been a while since we last saw them. During the dinner, I felt a bit bad inside a few times like maybe I should’ve said or did something different, and I might’ve been disrespectful but really couldn’t tell, as he must’ve pulled off an amazing poker face, but I know I was searching for it. When he told me I did it again, I told him of this and told him again, that to remember that is never my intention, that I am trying to change and better recognize these things before doing them, but it can be hard for me. I quickly apologized, and reassured him, that that was not my heart, and I did not want to disrespect him. He accepted my apology but stated he was still angry/upset, and that that emotion would not simply be able to dissipate as quick just because I apologized. He also showed little confidence in my apology, and says it’s because I always do it and an apology doesn’t do anything, because it didn’t save him from the humiliation at dinner.
    At this point, I decided in my mind to seek the very definition of respect, and some Godly advice on respecting my husband. Which I came across your amazing seemingly God sent blog.
    It hurts me to know that I disrespect him and make him feel this way, and frustrates me that I haven’t gotten better at it enough for him to see and difference and have a little more faith in my trying to improve in this area. It also kinda depresses me, I’m trying so hard and still being a failure at conquering this. I know I should pray about this. And I find your list very helpful as I find I have done almost everything on there it really shows me how many blows he’s endured.
    How can I better catch myself and then change myself to be a respectful wife that my husband will be proud of, one he knows and can say is respectful to him. I don’t want to disrespect him ever, but is that possible, too? Is it possible to never disrespect your husband?
    I saw a mention of a book of respect challenge for a wife to her husband….should I start with that, and if so, how can I obtain that. I just don’t want to be that wife, and I don’t want my husband to be anything than happy in our marriage. And I want to be a good role model for our son and daughter on what/how a Godly woman/wife should behave, I want to have a good and fruitful marriage. But I feel like I am making it sour, and it’s something so hard for me to see, and correct. I feel like I have come a bit of a way on it, but my husband doesn’t, which makes me fear that I really haven’t or he has just lost hope that I will ever be able to change. Or maybe that is all he sees now, I don’t know. Please help, and give me the right expectations on the best outcome, is it possible to never disrespect your husband? How do I show him respect, that I’ve changed, and give him hope and restore his faith in me to change and be a better wife?

    Sincerely,

    Victoria

    • peacefulwife
      May 4, 2014 at 4:10 pm #

      Victoria,

      I feel your heart!!!!!! And wow, I relate to you and understand how hard this is.

      It took me about 2.5 years into my journey of learning to become a godly wife before I remotely began to have a clue what respect was. The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle helped me the most, but is not necessarily a Christian book. She does not advocate submission or support God’s Word. :(.

      The Respect Dare by Nina Roesner is a great resource. You can also use my supplement to that book here in my sites just search “respect dare” and all forty posts come up. :)

      I am very glad you are asking your husband to tell you when he feels disrespected. That is awesome! My husband wasn’t able to articulate for a long, long time, what was disrespectful or respectful to him. So, I felt completely clueless for so long. It was like trying to learn a foreign language without a book or a teacher. So frustrating!!

      Search on my home page for
      – stages of this journey
      – learning to respect and give up control is a process

      I think that will help you, and your husband may wan to read that last one, too, so that he can see that it is normal for it to take us a really long time to learn all of this respect stuff!

      In the power of God, yes, it is possible not to disrespect our husbands. Of course, we are all human and will mess up sometimes. But, as we mature, it should be less and less often and less severely, in general. And we should see it faster and recover more quickly as we walk in God’s power.

      I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you and your husband! :)

      Much love!
      April

      • peacefulwife
        May 4, 2014 at 4:13 pm #

        Victoria,
        I assume you have seen the posts I have on what is disrespectful and respectful to husbands? You could print them out and ask your husband to check the things that are issues for him, that may speed things up.

        What are the kinds of things he is still mentioning?

  52. Mrs. Russell
    May 5, 2014 at 7:50 pm #

    Thank you for your prayers they are much appreciated since I believe in the power of prayer!

    My walk with The Lord has always been “good” but now it’s gone to great. Everything I’m going through has drawn me closer to His love and has given me a grace towards my husband! I pray three things almost daily 1. For him to love The Lord with all his heart, mind, soul. 2. That he would love me like Christ loves me 3. That he would be have a grace for me for when I mess up!

    His mom told me that she saw pornographic images hidden when he was a teenager. I asked him if he’s been looking at porn and he said he doesn’t like the feeling of guilt he gets afterwards so he said he’s not but I recently found out he’s been going to hooters with his new coworkers and it crushed me. Some people say it’s no different than going to the mall with girls wearing short shorts and a bunch of cleavage but I don’t care I’m not happy about him going there. I don’t believe he is cheating I’m not feeling it in my spirit at all but I feel it def could happen if he continues to feel pushed away by my nagging so I was doing really well and our marriage improved to where we felt like newly weds but the hooters was a test that I failed but the old me would’ve shown up while he was there or flipped out. He got mad that I felt hurt about him being there and he felt like I was being his mom. So somewhere I guess I was disrespectful.

    I actually believe God gave me those exact versus to win my husband back to The Lord! I was prob the one that turned him off with the way I would nag, complain, argue, flip out so I believe God can undo my mistakes and use me to have him come back “home”

    I initiate sex most of the times but if I don’t it’s not as frequent as I feel it should. After him being at hooters I don’t feel so sexy to him anymore. I no longer want to initiate. If he wants to I won’t turn him down but I’m done until I feel otherwise.

    My husband basically just wants a stress free marriage. Sounds easy but basically means he doesn’t want me to ever express my (negative) feelings for example “I don’t feel like your attracted to me anymore” or anything that starts with “I feel…”

    This month was the first time since we’ve been married that he kissed me passionately and held me every night and said nice things like he’s blessed to have me. So I know I’m on the right path but the one time I said something he shut down and stopped everything he was doing to show me love. I hope he doesn’t punish me another year like he’s done in the past. I was feeling like we were newly weds (our first year was terrible and we never got to feel that bliss of getting married to the person of your dreams) so I believe God is going to restore our marriage and give us back everything the devil has stolen from us! And more!

    • peacefulwife
      May 6, 2014 at 6:44 am #

      Mrs. Russell,

      I am glad you are seeking God and desiring to obey His Word. It sounds like you have seen a lot of healing in your marriage already. I pray you will continue to put God first and abide in Him and be empowered by Him to greatly bless your marriage. I pray for God’s greatest glory in your marriage and that you might be the wife He desires you to be.

      Much love!

  53. Tracy
    July 16, 2014 at 1:55 pm #

    Would it be strange to print this out and share it with my husband? Or is it better to try to make these changes on my own without him knowing?

    • peacefulwife
      July 17, 2014 at 7:09 am #

      Tracy,
      I have seen it done both ways successfully. If your husband is super shut down and hurt, may be better not to talk at first and just to begin to change. But I have seen a number of wives print this list out and ask their husband to check the ones that hurt them the most. Very helpful!!! Praying for God’s wisdom for you both! :)

  54. Angela
    July 21, 2014 at 7:06 pm #

    Hello Peaceful Wife, what a wonderful site this is. I’m so thankful the holy spirit led me to your site at the right time. I found your site on Friday night while looking up sights for minister’s wives. I too must confess I have been disrespectful to my husband lately. Let me tell you, after reading your blog, Immediately I went into my closet and repent, repent, repent. My husband is a minister under the Pastor of our church. This is a new church that opened last year and my husband and myself agreed that we would help the pastor build his church; Also my husband works full-time and we have 4 kids. I’m a stay at home mom and also the church admin. I agreed not realizing how much time and work is required. LESSON LEARNED! Just lately I’ve been bitter, angry, selfish, impatient; full of attitude, criticism, judgmental; you name it, was me. I don’t know how to explain but I had a angry, quiet spirit (if that makes sense).I walked around daily angry and pouting to myself. Talking underneath my breath. I was short with my words toward him. I felt like my husband was spending so much time at the church and work. I felt like he wasn’t comprehending, what I was trying to say. I felt ignored. I felt we could never plan anything on Saturdays because he always was called to the church by the Pastor. I needed him to give me time. Something else underlying was going on in the process. I took my eyes off of my Heavenly Father. All of my focus was on my husband. I didn’t realize that I stopped praying, reading, meditating. I completely stop communicating with God. All my energy was on my husband. I didn’t do anything with my kids. I stopped cleaning my house. Didn’t want to cook dinner for my husband or children. After not getting what I wanted, I decided I need some me time. I started complaining to my husband that I need to get away by myself. I need my space. I can’t breathe, Staying at home everyday is becoming too much for me. All the while God is still excluded out of my life. I walked around my house last week just thinking something got to give. I can’t continue to live in misery. Something is wrong with me. I asked God to help me to understand what is going on and why I’m acting this way and guess what? here I am. Thank God I am in a much better place now. I have resumed my time with God. He helped me to let go of the anger and to be understanding of what my husband is doing. You definitely can’t be selfish when building a church from bottom up. My husband and I are in a much better place. I felt terrible after being enlightened by your blog. It’s not all about me!! Your blog has taught me so much. Always watch out for the enemy on the prow. I let my guard down and he sneaked right in. My husband is pretty quite. When I complain he doesn’t argue back, he tried to explain but I just wasn’t hearing it; however I do know that he was praying for me continually. I’m glad I obeyed God’s leading to your blog. Until next time. Thank you. I will continue to read your blogs daily. There is still so much to learn.

    • peacefulwife
      July 21, 2014 at 9:39 pm #

      Angela,
      Thank you so much for sharing your story! WOW!

      I am thrilled about what God has shown you and how He is transforming your heart and getting your eyes back on Him. Let me know how you are doing! I am praying for you!!!!!

      Much love!
      April

  55. jjvv
    August 14, 2014 at 3:29 am #

    How and when do I ask my husband what he considers it when I disrespect him? I know I should probably ask him at a time when his schedule is not tense, but it is always tense. I want to better myself and have this chat with him.

    Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

    • CJ
      August 14, 2014 at 8:43 am #

      jjvv, coming from a husbands perspective, i would say a big part is how you approach with the question. I don’t know your situation and can only speak from my experience. If a husband has continually felt disrespected he may try to be busy, disinterested, withdrawn etc, just to avoid things. But when you approach us in a gentle way we tend to respond positively. Other ways to do it are to send a nice email or write a letter (i know that’s old fashion but there’s something about sitting down and putting thought on paper that’s wonderful). Lastly, don’t be discouraged if he is not receptive at first. Prayerfully seek other opportunities. Many blessings to you.

      cj

      • peacefulwife
        August 14, 2014 at 8:55 am #

        CJ,
        Thanks so much for your perspective!

        jjvv,

        There are many ways I have seen wives approach this. Some wives print out this list and ask their husbands to check off the things that feel disrespectful to them. Some wives repent of their disrespect (I have a Youtube video about apologizing briefly and without justifying our disrespect on my channel “April Cassidy”). Then after repenting, some wives will ask their husbands to share the 3 biggest things their husband would like them to stop doing and the 3 most important things their husband would like them to start doing. Some wives ask their husbands to write down or list (if he is talking, be sure you take notes!) what feels disrespectful to them.

        Some husbands, like mine (at first), may not be able to articulate what is disrespectful to them. That is why I have this post!

        What do you believe you may be doing that could be disrespectful? Is there anything God has convicted you about? Those things may be a good place to start.

        Much love!

  56. Louise Ashall
    August 14, 2014 at 10:44 am #

    We reccomend you read this as we have you subscribed to our blogs. If he is the father of your kids or husband then follow these principles to ensure you fullfil the void.

  57. Danielle
    August 30, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    I found out the guy I married was a lazy lying selfish brat. Through my walk with Christ, I’ve tried to approach this person in a godly manner, I’ve even prayed fasted and cried out to God and he became more foul and nastier than what he was. My heart has hardened concerning him. I hear God but I’m willfully being disobedient because I truly hate this person. He is a liar and he is not who he says he is. It just so happens that I’m married to him and I pray that I’m released from this prison soon. He’s never been anything but grief and I’d rather live and be alone than to deal with such a dog as him. I feel like satan set me up because at the time, I didn’t value what I had with Christ so I chose against better judgment and discernment to marry a fool and I’ve been paying for it ever since.

    • Peacefulwife
      August 31, 2014 at 6:58 am #

      Danielle,

      I am so very sorry for your pain!

      If you want to talk about what is going on, I am glad to listen.

      My greatest concern is your relationship with Christ. Could you tell me about how that is going?

      What have you been reading in God’s Word and hearing from God lately?

      Do you have any godly mentoring wife or trustworthy counselor?

      Sending you a huge hug and praying for you now!

      • Brian
        October 14, 2014 at 12:18 pm #

        I have been in a marriage for 27 years and my wife does just about everything on this list to me. I have asked her to go to therapy and her reply is “How could some one who went to school possibly know what I have been through, they don’t have any idea of how to help its just a wast of money”.

        I am seeing a therapist myself and have come to believe that my wife may have a personality disorder or is just plain mean and unforgiving. I do not pretend to be perfect, I have many faults and actively try to improve my person and pray that God may remove some or all of my personal defects as he sees fit. I have had problems with this relationship since the second week of our marriage. We had to go back to the priest who married us because she thought that she wasn’t my “first choice”.
        I don’t know how many timse she has screamed “I want a DIVORCE”. at me in 27 years.

        She will bring up everything that I have ever done “wrong” in the last 27 years and throw it at me repeatedly. It seems as though I am never forgiven for anything.

        I am criticized for not folding the towels the “correct” (her) way. For not stacking the dishwasher the correct way, or not putting a big enough load in. She hates the new house we live in because “I had to put in computerized lights and Geothermal heating”. She just want to live in a house like “everyone else” has.

        After all this time I am faced with the question of do I want to continue this relationship. When I come home my wife doesn’t care if my day was good or bad. I never get a kiss or hug as a greeting and if I don’t kiss her good night she will never make an effort to kiss me goodnight.

        My religion tells me that God made this union and man cannot separate it. But if my wife is not living up to the promises she made when we took our vows (or even making an attempt to). Does God want me to stay?

        I can’t tell if it is the devil or God who is speaking when I think about ending this marriage. Although being alone in my old age scares me, the constant contempt and disrespect is becoming too much to bear. Our three children will all be of age in two years and I don’t know if I can bear the contempt after they are gone. I stay to try and protect them from her wrath.

        Sorry for being so long winded but this is really the first time I wrote down my current feelings.

        • Peacefulwife
          October 14, 2014 at 12:57 pm #

          Brian,

          It is wonderful to meet you!

          Goodness, what a painful situation.

          What is your wife’s relationship with Christ?

          What is your relationship with Christ?

          I am a formerly disrespectful, controlling wife myself. I didn’t use the word divorce with Greg. But, I did many things on this list, too.

          I wonder if I might provide a bit of insight about wives who are acting this way:

          1. Disrespectful, controlling wives are usually motivated primarily by powerful fear. (Fear Fuels Our Need to Control)

          What was her parents’ marriage like? What was her childhood like?

          2. Disrespectful, controlling wives generally have never received the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness of Christ so they don’t have that to give to anyone else.
          They tend to treat others they way they treat themselves – often with very little grace and without forgiveness. This is a miserable way to live. It is a prison.

          some terms to search on my home page:
          – bitterness
          – idol
          – idolatry
          – lead
          – leader
          – fear
          – respect
          – disrespect
          – biblical submission

          3. Disrespectful, controlling wives generally do not understand the sovereignty of God and often attempt to take on God’s sovereignty upon themselves subconsciously or consciously. They often truly believe that they are responsible for causing things and situations to work out “right.” They often do not see where their responsibilities end and God’s begin. Often, there was some difficult issue in a woman’s childhood where her parents did not seem to have control of things – there was a debilitating disease or addiction or there was some trauma in the family and she may have felt that as a young child, she had to try to be the adult. Little girls grow up thinking that the weight of the world rests on their shoulders and that if they don’t try to make things work out, the world will literally fall apart.

          4. Disrespectful, controlling wives generally do not trust God but trust SELF. A wife may THINK she loves and trusts God, but her actions show that her trust is firmly in SELF. Her lack of respect for her husband and her attempts to control him (and usually, everyone else) are a tangible indicator of the current spiritual state of her soul. A wife who seeks to usurp her husband’s position of God-given authority and who disrespects him often treats God the exact same way – with a lack of reverence, with the expectation that God should “submit to her” and do what she wants and with a lack of submission to Christ.

          5. Disrespectful, controlling wives live in constant anxiety, worry and fear because they often have SELF on the throne of their lives, expect SELF to be sovereign. They cannot have the power of God’s Spirit or the fruit of His Spirit because the sinful nature is firmly in control, not God. When God’s Spirit is in control of a person, he/she will have His supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control no matter what his/her circumstances and no matter how others may treat him/her. (Galatians 5:22-26)

          6. Many controlling, disrespectful wives truly believe they always know best. There is a significant pride issue many times. But most wives in this situation do not see their own sin. I didn’t. I didn’t see my pride, disrespect, contention, self-righteousness, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, gossip, hatred… I thought I was the most godly wife ever. :( God opened my eyes when I read “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs in December of 2008. For a wife to see her sin, God must open her eyes. But she is fighting her own sinful nature, her own sinful desire to control her husband (Genesis 3, part of the curse), the culture, the lack of respect for men in our culture, the fact that being a controlling, disrespectful woman is endorsed and glorified in our culture, and the things that feminism has taught her. She may never have seen a godly wife. She may have never seen a good example of a wife respecting her husband and honoring his leadership. She may have no idea how to stop what she is doing. She likely doesn’t even see her disrespect. I know that seems very strange. But, many wives have no idea how much they are hurting their husbands. I didn’t! My husband never said anything to me about my disrespect. I had no idea he was hurt. I had no clue I contributed at all to any problems in our marriage. I thought he was just unloving and too passive and not willing to lead like God commanded him to. Yes. Really.

          This is a pervasive issue in our church culture. It is not isolated. My prayer is that God would open our eyes to all of our sin, that we might be convicted and that we might turn from our sin and turn to Christ and become the women (and men) He desires us to be.

          Often wives in this situation do not see that they are wretched sinners. I sure didn’t.

          Are Women Spiritually/Morally Superior to Men?
          But I’m a “Good Person.”

          7. The thing that will get through to a controlling, disrespectful wife’s heart is the love and truth of God. A husband can pray for his wife, and can seek to love her with the love of Christ as He is commanded to do in Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:7, I Corinthians 13:4-8. Only God can open a wife’s eyes. But as a husband obeys God and is Spirit-filled himself, he invites the power of heaven into the marriage and God is able to heal. Sometimes it takes time.

          God hates divorce. Hosea is a fantastic example of what God desires a believing spouse to do in the face of his/her spouse’s sin. Marriage is to represent the relationship between Christ and the church where the husband represents the unconditional, limitless, selfless, sacrificial love and leadership of Christ and the wife represents the adoration, submission, reverence, love and respect of the church for Christ. We are each only responsible for ourselves. I am only responsible and accountable to God for obeying my part in His Word no matter what my husband is or is not doing. And it is the same with husbands.

          The Bible is clear on divorce. There can be times when separation is necessary.

          But, I would invite you to ask your wife to read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs with you. Or to read For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn while you agree to read For Men Only by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn.

          Your marriage covenant is binding and sacred whether your wife is respecting and submitting to you or not. Just like my marriage covenant is binding and sacred whether my husband is loving me the way I think he should or not. I am responsible to honor my husband’s leadership, to submit to his authority and to respect him even if he is far from God. I Peter 3:1-6. A husband is responsible to love and lead his wife by the power of God working in him even if his wife is far from God.

          Jesus set the ultimate example for husbands when He died for His Bride, the church, even though it was she who wanted to kill Him. And she hated Him and was His enemy at that point.

          My husband has a few posts that share examples of husbands who prayed and God changed their wives. http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com I have seen God wake up many wives first, and then heal marriages in time. I have also seen God wake up husbands first sometimes and I have seen Him heal many marriages.

          I pray you will keep your eyes on Christ! He is the one who is able to fulfill your deepest needs and empower you to be the husband He calls you to be. And He is the one who is able to open your wife’s eyes to her sin and to bring her to conviction and repentance.

          If she does repent, it is a long journey for a wife to become sanctified and to learn to speak the language of respect fluently and to learn to submit to her husband in a godly way. First she must learn to reverence and submit to Christ. This will require incredible patience on your part. It is a slow process. Equally slow is the journey of sanctification for husbands, to learn to love Christ wholeheartedly and to lay down their lives sacrificially for Him and for their wives as they become more and more like Christ in His love.

          I would also suggest listening to David Platt’s series on Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood as well as Family, Marriage Sex and the Gospel. http://www.radical.net. And, John Piper has many helpful articles at http://www.desiringgod.org about godly marriage and manhood and womanhood.

          Lots of husbands read this blog and “reverse engineer” from it to learn to understand their wives better and to learn to be godly examples to their wives by the power of God’s Spirit working in them. I have seen God heal literally hundreds of marriages that I know of here. And I am sure there are many I don’t know about. That is totally a God thing – not a me thing.

          Does she have a godly wife mentor she can talk with?

          I am praying for God’s healing for you both, for your marriage and your children!

          Some husbands share some posts on my blog or some of my Youtube videos with their wives. My channel is “April Cassidy.” I trust God will give you wisdom about how to approach this as you focus on becoming the man He desires you to be.

          With the love of Christ,
          April

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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