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"Without a Word" – WorthyofLove’s Experience

 

From WorthyofLove (who wrote about her husband’s text messages):

When a Husband Is Negative, Critical, or Hurtful” is just the reminder I need in my particular marriage. It seems more often than not that my husband is on the negative side, and a lot of times I take it personally. Before finding your site I would either go into “man mode” when he expressed his negative feelings (which is my name for when I try to solve all his problems and give advice and try to be the leader)—- or I would just shut him out and tell him to “man up”.

 

Well, after finding your site a few months ago, and really going through all the things I needed to change, etc… the perfect divine test came. My husband works away during the week, so we were talking on the phone one night, and he was very upset. He was upset about a work situation and very stressed about it, and just basically spiraling into negativity and hopelessness.

For the first time EVER, I LISTENED to him tell me all about it, and I just let him tell me all of it. And I had to consciously make a point to be quiet and just affirm his frustrations and build him up and be on his side about it all.

After a while, he calmed down, and he was definitely shocked that I didn’t storm into man-mode and go off about what he needed to do in that situation. Haha. Not long after, he said something like “maybe I’m exaggerating”….after he got it all out, he realized that it would be ok! And the next day he handled the situation at work and everything was ok! And I told him I was proud of him and that was that!! He even told me that I “handled him very well”! and he expressed that he would like me to be like that whenever he gets upset about work or anything!

I’ve noticed that over the past 2 months of this journey, my husband has DEFINITELY responded to me NOT giving him advice, any Bible quotes or anything of the sort in these types of situations, AND just in general in our marriage. He is beginning to say things out of the blue like:

  • “My attitude is bad”
  • “I need to stop treating you like that”
  • “I’m going to be thankful instead of complain”

This is only the beginning. I still mess up every now and again and fall into man-mode but THANKFULLY, The Spirit of God will not let me go on in it for long….there is very deep conviction when I do it, and if it happens when my husband is home I immediately say “wow I’m sorry. I don’t want to be like that!!!” and he is very forgiving.

I can confirm in my own experiences so far just in these 2 months that responding in love and/or being quiet, and just allowing GOD to convict him has done miracles!
actions truly speak louder than words to men!!!

RELATED:

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

A Drill Sergeant Approach VS a Godly Feminine Approach

Calming the Storm

Portia’s Story – Winning Him over Without a Word

Godly Femininity

To Speak or Not to Speak

A Wife Begs God to Help Her Tame Her Tongue

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From a sister in Christ:

I am a young wife. Only just turned 29. Its been 4 years since I became born again. I am still learning this. Yes, I have dug through the Bible front to back already and am very knowledgeable in His Word even for my youth in the faith.

I am the wife that – when my husband scolds me – I retaliate with anger from the hurt. My husband has anger issues and he tends to say the meanest things for the littlest reasons. But recently, I come to realize while listening to a sermon online about the sin of the tongue – that even though I am saved, I do serve God, and preach His Word to other women, etc, etc… if I don’t learn self-control and to allow the Holy Spirit to tame my tongue, my religion is meaningless.

I finally just prayed out loud…

“Jesus, take over my tongue. My anger and bitterness. I want to be like You when they was spitting, mocking and cursing You – who are blameless. You held Your peace, you did not sin! Your eyes were upon God only. From here on out, Satan will no longer win, he can no longer take over my tongue. From here on out, the blood of Jesus has washed my tongue clean and all rights now goes to the Holy Spirit of God!!!! I don’t want to be like this anymore, I don’t want to be weak and selfish anymore. I want my eyes on the cross, especially through trials and suffering. Be gone Satan!!! In the name of Jesus of Nazareth! You will no longer toy with my marriage, my heart and especially my tongue. I will fight with the Word of God. For God said if we do not tame our tongue, then our religion is meaningless. And my religion will not be meaningless!! It will stand for Christ alone.”

After that prayer out loud in my car – it was like this complete peace – this renewing of my mind. I just didn’t feel any bitterness or easily angered/hurt. Of course Satan quickly tested me out. I was napping after 12 hours of work, and my husband woke me up yelling! He was upset about something I didn’t do. He knew I just got home and been working overtime, but he was angry again…. and guess what? I felt nothing???!!! And when I say nothing…

I felt peace and no retaliation.

Before I would have yelled back and said, “What is your problem? Leave me alone, you bi-polar freak! I just got home, I need to sleep. Crazy?!” But this time I just laid there, let him yell and throw tantrums saying mean things blah, blah, blah. And after he was done and walked away, I went right back to sleep. And now I still feel nothing. Before I would be holding a grudge and wishing he would just disappear.

He gave his life to Christ recently, too, after many prayers for him. He repented and started reading Bible. But he has demons that he has yet to fully deal with and every now and then he snaps. He has changed a lot by the grace of God. I notice he snaps usually when his eyes are off Christ. He is a babe in Christ so I don’t hold it against him. I feel so free! I feel like I am no longer bound by the handcuffs of: anger, bitterness, grudge-holding, and hatred toward my husband’s unloving ways toward me anymore.

It’s like when I recognized it, repented, and prayed that out loud…it was like Jesus got the keys and took off the handcuffs!!!!!!!

I am crying as I type this! Now I’m washing clothes, spending time with kids, about to open my Bible right now and meditate on all the verses about self-control and taming our tongues for God’s glory. And I feel happy even though an hour ago I just got scolded and mocked by my husband for something I didn’t do.

I am no longer controlled by my circumstances, instead I am now controlled by the Holy Spirit of God as it SHOULD BE. I just needed to allow Him to guide me!! My husband is a good husband, works hard, and treats our daughters like princesses. His demons just take hold of him at times and I pray for his full deliverance!!! He quit smoking, drinking, and partying all for our family. He works and serves in church. But this one thing he struggles with.

I have faith that – like God showed me -He will do the same for my husband one day.

God showed me my errors, and then He delivered me from it. All wives – it’s SO freeing!!! Mentally, spiritually, everything! I ask you to please try it and allow God to take over. Fight for righteousness, fight for peace!!!! Don’t let the devil win your tongue, your heart. He has won TOO many times already in the past, starting today fight back and say, “NO!!!! The Word of God says this. I will do as God says. Be gone Satan!” Fight the real enemy here!!!!! Not your husband. Satan is the real enemy. God is so good, so all knowing. Oh Lord, forgive me for being naive, for not allowing You to take over my tongue a long time ago! Forgive me and give me grace to continue on!!!

 

To all the women who feel that its hopeless (from Peacefulwife – if you have severe issues in your marriage, please seek experienced, appropriate, godly help!) with the she-said-he-said “I don’t like the way he did this, he doesn’t like the way I did this,” kind of stuff – always butting heads and putting each other down for it stuff. There is hope, but first thing you gotta do is give your mind, body, and tongue over to God and don’t let Satan toy with it anymore. Once you do, He will change you. The self-control will be so powerful it will be like you don’t even understand yourself what is going on within you. But you know it’s gotta be God…!!!!! That is what happens when you let God take the wheel. Women, the retaliation will be gone. You know why? Because your self-worth will be found in the cross and NOT your husband’s words or actions towards you anymore. You become a person who feels love and peace when others bash at you instead. Like Jesus said on the cross, ”Father forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.” His heart will become yours as well. (tears)

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

God can give us wisdom about when to speak and when to remain silent. We need His Spirit desperately in these difficult situations!

RELATED:

Posts about Conflict

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

To Speak or Not to Speak?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How Do You Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit?

Godly Femininity Part 1

Godly Femininity Part 2

“I Don’t Think My Husband Loves Me – How Can I Become a Godly Wife?”

Do You Have to Lose Yourself or Be “Fake” to Be a Godly Wife?

How Satan Would Love to Destroy Your Marriage through Your Thought Life

"Some Things God Has Shown Me about Conflict with My Headstrong Husband"

 

I asked a dear sister in Christ to share with us how God has prompted her to handle conflict in her particular marriage dynamic. I am so thankful for her willingness to share! (A reminder – this blog is not written for wives who have truly abusive husbands. If your husband is abusing you, involved in an active drug/alcohol addiction, involved in unrepentant adultery, or is not in his right mind mentally, please seek experienced, appropriate, godly counsel rather than reading this blog. The posts about marriage may not be written from the angle you need. The posts about our relationship with Christ may be helpful.)

NOTE: This husband has a lot of room for improvement. I think we all agree on that. But let’s focus on what the wife has control over in this situation, please.

I’m not real sure how to even begin answering this…. In the beginning of our marriage I was not a Godly wife nor did I understand how to be that because we married so young. Once my relationship became fully established with my Savior is when I started learning how to be a Godly wife and how to listen to the Holy Spirit on when to speak and when not to speak.

I had so much hate for my husband in my heart that any disagreements we had would cause even more anger to well up inside me. Even though the anger was there, the Lord was working on me long ago with holding my tongue.

Example:

During the early times of learning to listen to the Holy Spirit, there was a major stepping stone that I did not want to take. My oldest son woke up during the night yet again. I was so exhausted from all of his sleepless nights that this particular night, I just couldn’t even think about getting up so I acted like I didn’t hear his cry. When my husband woke to his cry, he [nudged] me and said, “You better get up and make him quit crying. I’ve got to go to work tomorrow.”

At that moment, I snapped. I threw the covers off of me with tears in my eyes, snatched the baby out of his bed, and stomped down the hallway to get back to my room to tell my husband to get out because he was useless and that I could do all this on my own. While I was leaving our son’s room entering the hallway, I felt that tug on my heart saying, “Stop, don’t say it,” but I kept walking.

I got to the threshold of my bedroom door and take a deep breath to say it but it was like the Holy Spirit yelled at me to stop. I stood there crying, wanting so badly to tell my husband to get out – but I couldn’t. That anger from that night ended up being one of my “hate bricks” that I built around my heart that God had to destroy in the last year and a half. I was angry with God too, you know… but this was a stepping stone in my relationship with God for me to understand that I don’t always know what’s best.

—-

I am NOT a “quick on your feet” thinker so when disagreements arise, sometimes I won’t even have an answer or even a response sometimes until like 2 or 3 days later but then I feel like it’s too late. God has taught me over time that when there is a situation that needs to be dealt with, how to prepare for it. My husband is manipulative and can change the angle of a disagreement so quickly that it makes my head spin. God has taught me how to review each angle in my head so that I can be prepared with an answer if the conversation goes that direction. I don’t always pray beforehand but when I know it could get ugly, I will pray for the right words to say in wisdom and that they will not fall on deaf ears but an open heart, that my responses would be gentle so as to turn away wrath.

If my husband gets rude or harsh in his comments or responses, I look away for a moment saying a prayer in my head that God would help me before words come out of my mouth. Sometimes I can’t even speak anymore because so many things are going through my mind that confusion would happen and God is NOT the author of confusion. I have to step away to gain clarity and then proceed. When my husband is  “done” with a subject, God tells me to just wait because the same situation will arise soon and it can be turned around to prove my point. God has been right every single time, of course.

We are both pretty head strong people. When I decided to allow myself to become submissive to my husband despite the imperfections and to allow God to lead me, it was a hard task but has turned out to be quite rewarding.

 

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

RELATED:

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

A Wife Responds Beautifully to Her Husband’s Bad Mood

“When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God”

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

When He Suddenly Walks Out or Hangs Up

The Dryer Incident

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From a wife with an unbelieving husband.  She has been on this journey for about 5 months now, and it has been quite difficult. Her husband has felt very disrespected for a long time. Things are quite tense, even now. Her husband has even threatened to leave a few times in recent weeks. But her faith in God is growing by leaps and bounds and what He is doing in her is SO BEAUTIFUL!!!!!  I appreciate her willingness to allow me to share:
For a day that didn’t start out that great, I’m doing pretty good now.  I woke up to my husband yelling at me about his clothes in the dryer still being wet and now he was scrambling trying to get ready for work and how ridiculous it was that I thought what he did didn’t make sense when obviously I should know better than to put so much in the dryer.
I could hardly process it and all I said was I was sorry before he stormed out to work.  He had cleaned out his truck of all his work things that had gathered up over the past while and brought in a bunch of dirty clothes.
I thought I would bless him by doing a bunch of laundry while he was out in the evening. 
I left the last load in the dryer and went to bed.  I didn’t mean for it to still be wet in the morning.
I was so discouraged.  It seems even my attempts to bless him backfire.  I can’t get things right or he misinterprets my intentions.  I was determined not to get angry or feel sorry for myself, though, and was praying that God would help me to bless him and know how to respond to him.
I really focused on one statement that he said when he was upset that described what he was feeling underneath his anger:  “You think what I do doesn’t make sense.”  How frustrating for him!  To feel like I’m always judging or looking down on or trying to change what and how he does things.  How utterly disrespectful of me!  So, while part of me was hoping that maybe the dryer was broken and the clothes being wet wouldn’t be my fault so he’d feel bad about yelling, I was glad for this glimpse into his perspective so that I could focus on how he was feeling/hurting instead of myself which would’ve led to self-pity and resentment and nowhere good.

Now, I think there’s something else that came to my awareness through this.

My motives.

Maybe I’m doing these things to bless him, yes, but also with not exactly expectations, but hopes that he’ll notice and feel badly about how he’s treating me.  I should be doing the laundry for Jesus!  🙂  To honor Jesus by blessing my husband and being respectful and submissive despite my husband’s actions, without expectations or even hopes for any change.  This is hard!  It’s hard not to hope for things to get better and not to think about how maybe if I do certain things it will help make things better.  How do I keep myself from thinking like that instead of focusing on Christ?  I guess just by constantly examining my motives and repenting when they’re not exactly pure.

Anyway, I was still thinking on all this when my husband called!  He asked how our son was, who has a cold, but that seemed a bit odd to me.  He doesn’t usually call without a specific reason.

Then, he said he was sorry!  That he didn’t mean to freak out at me, but was just really frustrated that all his clothes were still wet.

It’s a good thing he couldn’t see how shocked I was!  An apology was the last thing I was expecting!  I thought at best, it just wouldn’t come up again.  I thanked him and apologized again, trying not to defend myself, but just saying I was trying to be helpful and I didn’t mean to overload the dryer and cause him so much frustration.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

This precious sister of mine is in a DIFFICULT situation. BUT – she sees with God’s eyes now. She sees how this argument was a chance for her to discover a bit more of her husband’s pain. She sees how God used this painful situation to help her uncover her true motives and to refine her faith. AND – she sees how when she obeys God and seeks to honor and please Him alone, He is able to speak to her husband – even though his heart is distant and hard right now.

Please join with me in praying for this couple – for his salvation and for her to be strong in Christ and to be the godly wife and missionary God calls her to be “without a word” who can win him by the respectful and chaste way she conducts her life. (I Peter 3:1-2).

I appreciate her willingness to share. This is a LONG, LONG journey. But God has grown my friend’s faith by leaps and bounds. She has SO MUCH MORE of Jesus than she has ever had in her life. She is even experiencing God’s peace and joy in the midst of this fiery trial many times. It is a difficult battle – she knows that her husband is not her real enemy. And she faithfully stands in the gap to pray for God’s best for him and for God to open his eyes that he might experience the abundant life, peace and joy that Jesus offers to him.

This friend is such a blessing to me. I can’t wait to see all that God has in store for her!

“When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God”

1013331_58271400I am so excited to share this wife’s story.  God blesses me with stories like this on a daily basis.  This is what makes ministering to women SO exciting.  I LOVE seeing God work in people’s lives, in marriages and in families.  It just never gets old.  This wife’s story will bless you.  Enjoy!
——————–
On New Year’s Eve, we went to a nearby city to the Catholic Book Store (I needed the January edition of the Magnificat). My husband spent almost a half an hour talking to a nun and ended up buying a Bible.  He said he has been reading a lot lately about his role as the husband and the readings always quote the Bible and he wanted to be able to look it up for himself.  I take it for granted with my upbringing that I can quote scripture somewhat and have read much of the Bible. He has not.  While he has always attended church with us and joins in prayer at dinner, it has always been me that had led the spiritual upbringing of our family and home.
 
What has brought about this whole change in him?  Later at dinner I asked.  
He said
“You submitted.” 
 
So here is where I share with you a HUGE secret but I am bursting to tell people but if I do they will think I am freeking crazy!  On October 1st, after about 2 years of research and dancing around the idea of what a Biblical marriage is supposed to be (where the husband is the head and the wife is the body), I submitted.  
  • I stopped arguing with him.
  • I stopped telling him how to do it and when to do it and why to do it.
I used to be so frustrated b/c my husband did not lead.  I had to do all the scheduling and decision making- from what was for dinner to how I was going to get our many children to 9 different places all at the same time while he was working.  And he, with his passive personality (and a lot of emotional baggage from his first marriage), was more than willing to let me.  

However, it was not working because he felt left out and I felt overburdened.  

At first we tried to resolve this by weekly scheduling meetings on Sunday evenings to share calendars and reminders and generally plan the week.  We thought that “we” must not be connecting because we were not communicating.  But what became apparent is that I was removing him from decisions. 
He was coming home to find 18 extra kids at our house (our house tends to be the gathering place) and all he wanted to do was get a heads up or even the opportunity to say “Not tonight- I need some peace”.  After talking a lot about this in September (My husband thought it was a phase…) I handed him the check book (which he already took care of but I mucked up by spending whatever I wanted and thankfully we have good jobs that I can do this but it usually left him scrambling to move money from here to there so nothing bounces- another issue we went round and round about) and said “you lead”.
 

What we have found out is that when I started allowing him to be the decision maker (my new phrase is “ask your father”) he feels more involved and I feel less stressed.  

Bottom line is-
  • I don’t nag.
  •  I don’t demand.
  • I don’t lead.
  • I look to him to make the major decisions.
  • I don’t schedule social events without consulting him.
  • I don’t say, “Yes,” to the kids’ every desire without running it by him.
  • I don’t commit his time or family time without face time and discussion with him personally.

This is not to say I am still not opinionated… I still am who I am.  I am still a strong take charge person.

  • But he leads prayer before dinner.
  • He tells the kids what the tasks might be for the day.
  • He (big deal here) leads in the relationship with his parents (big bone of contention for me as I felt like I was always trying to bridge a gap that neither they nor him felt like bridging… so now I say “I will have to talk to your son” when his mother asks about something).

Because of this, he has felt more part of the family and more like a man.  

I have felt less stressed and more peaceful.  And I speak less (because I am not nagging- haha).

 
Now this has not been all smooth sailing.  We have had our ups and downs where I have stepped back into the “all knowing Mommy ruler” role and he as been all too happy to sit back and watch.  This usually happens when he does not make a decision quick enough… (he is working on his reaction time)… so I jump right in and make that decision for him… (I am working on patience).  
 
After 3 months we have realized it is not a phase and the outcome has been I have reconnected with my husband and HE IS SEEKING THE LORD AS HE LOOKS INTO HOW TO BE A STRONG LEADER TO OUR FAMILY (so he bought a Bible).  
 
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??????
Can you believe that because I said “I will shut up and let you be a leader” that my husband is seeking the Lord?  That he went to Mass alone when the rest if the family was out of town?! That he bought a Bible?  When I finally shut up, he could hear God (and that is amazing).  
 
So there you have it.  
It seems nuts but I have to say, I have never been more happy or at peace.  It is simply beautiful.  
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
God’s wisdom works, my precious sisters.  It worked really quickly in this case!  WOW!  
I am actually NOT at all surprised that her husband is seeking God now and that he is leading.  This is almost always the result, in time, when a wife obeys God and seeks to be the woman and wife He calls us to be.
What a beautiful story!  I am so glad this sister of ours was willing to share!

One Wife Learns – This REALLY IS ALL ABOUT GOD!

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From a precious wife and dear friend I first met here on the blog in July of 2012.  God has brought her a LONG way since then.  I’m so thankful for her willingness to share.   This is going to bless you – my wonderful sisters in Christ!
———————————————-
I feel like I am growing in a lot of things, but God knows that I fail…often, sometimes. Thankfully, though, I feel like I learn from each of those times!  And I know I’ll never be perfect and that’s okay!
A CRITICAL STEP:
I’m really thinking a lot about and wondering if I really did this?

Am I really focusing all my attention and focus on my walk with God or just pretending to take my focus off my husband?

I have this desire to just purely saturate myself into God and His Word on a moment by moment basis…instead of just when my “mind” has time to go there.

Because if I let it, my mind wants to just think about what my husband is up to and whether or not he’s doing this or that.

For some reason, I think this has been a huge step that I have missed.  Of course I love my husband deeply, but in order to let go of him as an idol…

I’ve got to train my mind to focus all my attention on my walk with God and what God is doing in me and through my sinful self.

Anyway, I wanted to share that with you.  I’m trying so hard to purely meditate on God all the day long!!! One of my favorite verses is
“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose eyes are fixed on you, because he trusts in you!”  Isaiah 26:3  That is my heart!
 
LEARNING TO SHOW FAITH IN MY HUSBAND AND ASSUME THE BEST:
The other day, dh was showing some things that he was about to buy on Amazon.  He is getting ready to remodel our powder room.  So he was showing me ALL the things he was getting. One of which was a table saw,  well part of me wanted to say, “Didn’t you just get a saw last year?”

But then I thought…wait a minute..your husband is not stupid. He wouldn’t buy something he already had…so its obviously different.

He briefly went through the few things he was going to buy and asked me if there was anything I needed…which I thought was so sweet.  Normally I would say, “No, I’m okay.”
But I thought..”Wait, he wants to bless me!” so I did mention I had really been wanting a food processor/mixer.   He immediately started searching for one and put it in the online shopping cart. So sweet!
Later that night, when the girls were asleep and we were talking, he got his laptop out and went through each item that he had purchased and told me the purpose for each one.  Then he showed me pictures of what he was going to do in the powder room.  Then he said, “It would cost the same amount to have someone come and do it.” This way he gets to keep all the great tools and use them again for other projects in the house.

I agreed and shared in his excitement. But really inside I was overwhelmed with thankfullness that the Holy Spirit helped me to keep quiet and just listen to my husband…otherwise I would have missed out on such an intimate moment with him.

WINNING HIM OVER WITHOUT A WORD:
My heart was hurt about something…I’m thankful that I don’t exactly remember the details of it. But I remember saying something to him like, “Can you just cover it with grace?”  I believe it was something again with his expectations and me not doing something right or something along those lines.  He left the room upset and I cried before finally falling asleep.  I honestly dont remember bringing up the conversation again.
A couple days later we were driving together somewhere and he was telling me about how he was running low on gas. He is always a risk taker with the gas meter..LOL!  Anyway, he literally coasted into the gas station as the car stalled.  He was saying how he was thanking God for that favor.  This is what he said he learned from this as he was thanking God for favor in making into the station on time.  “God could have said, too bad you “should have known better and gotten gas earler.” but instead his grace and favor was there for him and helped him get gas just in time so he wasn’t stranded. “

He said he immediately thought of me and how he often tells me “well you should have done this or thought of that, etc.”  And how he needs to extend grace to me more because that’s how God is with him.

Once again..God does this way better than I could ever do myself. He is my Defender!!!  God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.  Now I know that my husband probably won’t instantly change overnight and will still harp on me from time to time about little things…but I also know that

God’s voice is stronger and more effective than mine. So I’ll sit patiently in His arms and extend grace to my husband because God is so gracious to us!!

I think the hardest thing was two things…
1. Really removing myself from being his Holy Spirit and thinking I had to help him be more holy…cause after all, I was holier. =) As well as realizing, that my sin was just as bad…sin is sin and ALL sin grieves God’s heart.
2. Really letting go, surrendering and trusting God!  Using the structure He put in place…trusting that God is sovereign to lead me through my husband and that I am covered and protected in this structure. How freeing that was!!!!  My role is to trust my husband to lead us and God will work with my husband!!  And when I finally let go of the fear of “what ifs”  I really saw God leading my husband….wasn’t always my way or my time…but God still lead!

The Respect Dare, Day 24 – Intimacy with God

praying

They may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. I Peter 3:1-2

SO I CAN’T TALK????

This passage is written for wives whose husbands are “disobedient to the Word.” God KNOWS men so very well. He knows that “words are for women” as marriage counselor Bob Grant likes to say. He knows that words mean little to men. Action, attitude, body language, non-verbal communication, facial expressions, tone of voice – THESE are the things that speak volumes to men.

This passage is not saying “Never ever utter a word to your husband about anything.”

The idea is – in your witnessing to your husband about Christ – do not use words.

WOMEN LOVE WORDS

Women, by nature, are VERY VERBAL! We have a huge verbal center in the brain that is highly connected to the huge emotional center in our brain. When we want things done, we use words! And we long for words from our men, too. Words of love. Words are very powerful to us.

Problem is… men are not made like women! Men have a smaller emotional center and it is not that connected to the verbal center for them. In fact, their emotional center is much more connected to the spinal cord. That is so that men are ready to fight or take action if necessary when things go badly. ie: war, dangerous jobs, protecting their families, etc.

When our husbands aren’t close to God – by our estimation – what is our biggest natural instinct?

We want to TELL him about God, explain spiritual things to him, try to argue him closer to God, try to verbally force him to become a more godly man… etc. That is what I used to do.

Words do not bring men closer to God. Our many words about the Bible, spiritual things, church, sin, and all the “godly leadership” things we think our men should be doing REPEL them from us and from God.

Read that again, please. Seriously. Because most of us DO NOT understand this. We assume our men think just like we do. And we think, “the answer to this problem is to EXPLAIN it all to him again until he admits I am right – until he understands and does what I know God wants him to do.”

Here is something I wish I knew 20 years ago. MEN DO NOT THINK LIKE WE DO! The sooner we can understand how God designed them to think and process emotions and spiritual things – and the sooner we accept God’s design and His wisdom – the sooner we can step out of the way and let God do the talking – and the sooner our men will begin to hear God’s voice. Then it is up to God and our husband how things turn out.

God is giving us a treasure here. He is giving us precious instructions that will allow us to be His partners as He works in our husbands to draw them nearer to Him! This is the way that God gives wives to influence husbands – living out their faith in God by showing respect for their husbands and by living in the power of God’s Spirit. That and prayer.

Repeat after me. This is something that took me a LONG, LONG time to get through my head.

I am not the Holy Spirit.

I am not the Holy Spirit.

I am not the Holy Spirit.

I tried to be the Holy Spirit to my husband (and many other people) for many years – and I was baffled that they did not become convicted of their sins and repent and change!

Turns out – I am just a little sinful human. I am not deity. I can’t change people. I can’t convict people. I can’t even change myself until God opens my eyes and His Spirit works in me.

TIME WITH GOD

So, the most powerful thing I can do if I want to influence my husband to draw near to God and become more and more the man God wants him to be – is to draw near to God myself and become more and more the woman God wants ME to be.

My motive must be to know God and honor Him – not to change my husband.

Here are a few suggestions about spending time with God and how to have an increasingly intimate relationship with Him:

  • Make time with God your BIGGEST priority. This will require removing other things from your schedule. It is totally worth it. There is nothing more important on this earth than our relationship with Jesus.
  • Limit distractions. If you have young children, this can be very difficult. But maybe choose a time during their nap time or a time when you are up before anyone else, or at work on your lunch break, or 10 minutes in your car before work. Or – maybe the children, if they are older, can listen while you read the word, or they could listen to the Bible being read in another room on an app like Bible.Is. Or you can have a mandatory “quiet time” in the house for Bible study for older children where they read their Bibles and have their time with God in another room if possible. Ask God to help you find solutions if this is a big challenge!
  • Humble yourself – begin by praising God. See how holy, high and lifted up He is, and how lowly and sinful we are. Acknowledge that He is wise, we are not.
  • Have a listening spirit – ask God to make you sensitive to all that He wants to say to you through the scripture and your quiet time and all throughout the day.
  • Repent of any known sin – Ask God to reveal to you anything that offends His holiness so that you can repent and turn to Him and do things His way. Refuse to cherish any sin in your heart – even grudges, bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, pride, self-righteousness (looking down on others as “less than” ourselves), a critical spirit, being controlling of others, idolatry (anything that is more important to us than Jesus), gossip, ungodly motives, unkind attitudes, greed, selfishness, unbelief, worry, etc.)
  • Lay any fears or concerns at His feet and don’t pick up the emotional/spiritual weight again. Trust Him to handle those situations. This will involved exercising some potentially very weak faith and trust muscles.
  • Ask God to fill you with His Spirit. (If you have not received Jesus as your Savior and the LORD of your life and you have not committed yourself to living totally for Him for the rest of your life – please leave a comment  and we can talk about how you can have an intimate relationship with Jesus now and how you can know you will be with Him in heaven after you die! This is the most important decision of your life. Choosing to know Jesus = eternal life and paradise. Choosing to reject Jesus = eternal separation from Him in hell – according to Jesus and God’s Word. I do not want that for ANYONE!!!!!! Trusting Jesus is so very sweet. I pray you will give your life to Him today if you haven’t done that already.)
  • Read a chapter or two – or more – depending on how much time you have and how God leads you. Ask God to speak to you through His Word. Concentrate on the words. Re-read the chapter a time or two if you want to. What is God saying? Is there something you need to stop or repent of? Is there a command He wants you to obey? (We are no longer under the Law of the Old Testament – there are some laws that are helpful to us – and some that no longer apply because we are not living in the sacrificial system. Jesus Christ was the ultimate sacrifice – but the Old Testament does contain great godly wisdom. Any command in the New Testament we do need to obey.)
  • Replace any lies of this world with the truth of God’s Word in your heart.
  • Take every thought captive for Christ all day long. Write down what you are saying to yourself. Compare it to scripture. Reject anything that is not the truth of God’s Word!
  • Meditate on scripture and memorize verses.
  • Build your entire life on Jesus Christ, His Wisdom, His power, His Truth, His Word, His will and His Glory.
  • Be willing to obey Him no matter the cost.
  • Then, listen to praise music throughout the day whenever possible and sing praises in your heart to God always.

I personally had to get to the place where I decided – I am not going ANYWHERE geographically/emotionally/spiritually until God or my husband (under God’s leadership) lead me. I am just going to wait. I am not running ahead anymore. I am going to wait on God until I am 80 years old if that is what it takes. I want His will. If He wants me to do something, He will show me what I need to do. And if He wants me to wait for the next 40+ years and that is His will – awesome. That is what I will do.

I also had to get to the place where I decided – I am throwing out ALL of the “wisdom” of the world. I am questioning everything I have learned about life, God, godly femininity, masculinity, marriage, family, being a Christian, etc… and all I want is Jesus and His truth. I do not care if I am the only one on the planet obeying Him and seeking to do things His way. I am willing to obey Him even if it is weird, even if I am ridiculed. I want Jesus. I want ALL of Him. I want His whole will and nothing but His will. I don’t want the world anymore.

DARE 24:

Desire Him more than anything or anyone else on earth. If you do NOT have that fire in your heart for Him like this – pray and BEG God for it! Long to know the presence of God. Let that be the greatest desire of your life today and every day.

Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. John 17:3

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