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A Silent Husband Shares His Heart

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For those wives who have passive, unplugged husbands – it can be really difficult for us to understand what is going on in our shut-down husbands’ hearts. I greatly misunderstood Greg for so many years because he didn’t tell me what he thought – so, I ended up making a lot of really horrible and extremely inaccurate assumptions.  

Today’s post is by a Christian husband – I appreciate his willingness to articulate his perspective. Husbands have feelings and emotions, too – even if they don’t verbalize them to us. They can be DEEPLY wounded and never say a word. That is what Greg did. He just went into his self-preservation mode and shut down to protect himself and never told me how much I hurt him with my disrespect and control for all those years.  He knew I was not a safe place for him to share his heart. 🙁

Please prayerfully consider whether your husband may feel like this husband and see what God may desire to change in your heart and in your marriage for his glory. (This post is primarily about Type-A, take-charge, wives with strong personalities. This is not a post for wives who are afraid to speak their minds or share their thoughts or feelings and it is not for wives who are abused. The dynamics for a more passive wife/dominating husband or an abused wife/abusive husband are very different from what is described here. If anyone is not safe in his/her marriage, please seek appropriate help right away!)

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Thank you for this post (Nikka’s 3rd Heartbreaking Interview with Her Husband). I can identify with Dong’s thoughts and feelings.

  • My wife’s domineering nature sucks the life from me emotionally, spiritually, socially, intellectually and physically.

Emotionally she drains my by communicating to me both verbally and non-verbally that my feelings are wrong. The constant battle of having to prove that what I am feeling is legitimate just wears me down. As a result, I am very hesitant to share my emotions with her.

Spiritually, she communicates to me that her ways are the right ways and that my perspective on spiritual truth and walking with the Lord is wrong or lacking. She devalues my relationship with the Lord because I experience Him through the Word. She values prayer and the gifts of the Spirit more. She doesn’t see it as me being different from her but that I am wrong. I get spiritual life from personal study of the word, smaller group discussions, accountability and prayer. She gets life from large worship services and through worship music. Again, she communicates that her way is superior to mine.

Socially, the strain of the regular conflict drains me. As an introvert, when I am drained, I need time alone to recharge. I don’t have the emotional energy to invest in relationships that I used to have. There have been numerous times where she has emotionally beat me up on the way to a gathering so that by the time we arrive, I am drained and need to recharge. She then puts me down for being withdrawn at these gatherings.

Intellectually, I am an idea person. These could be on how to do things better or be more efficient. Other times they are on how to solve problems. I also have ideas about the Lord and ministry. Yet, whenever I share them with her she pushes back and takes them apart as being wrong or unrealistic. This just shuts me down because it has communicated to me over the years that I am stupid and should keep them to myself.

All of this drain on my soul has affected me physically too.

The constant message I hear is to be quiet and don’t embarrass her.

The cumulative effect of 20 plus years of being controlled and opposed is that her voice is constantly in my head accusing and condemning me. It causes me to second guess everything I do and to be very tentative on making decisions. I am always concerned about her reactions and having to explain myself. This makes it difficult to enjoy many things in life because her voice is there in my head questioning my actions, interactions, feelings and motives.

The good news is that I can see how the Lord has been working in her life for the past 20 years to open her eyes and address her sin. Over the past couple of years, I think she is starting to see her sin and address it. We still have a long way to go. She still doesn’t feel safe to me but there is an inkling of change.

RELATED:

From this same husband, “My Wife Would Bless Me If…”

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Greg told me that when I stopped all the negativity:

  • criticizing
  • controlling
  • lecturing
  • telling him what to do
  • treating him like he was a child
  • taking over and doing things for him
  • freaking out
  • worrying
  • using an angry mama tone of voice
  • scowling
  • sighing

… it was like someone turned off the “static on the speaker with God’s voice in my heart.”

And, Greg said, when I began to do the positive things:

  • encouraging
  • affirming
  • blessing
  • waiting patiently
  • cooperating
  • honoring his leadership
  • listening to him
  • caring about his opinion and perspective
  • allowing him space to be different from me and to be a man
  • appreciating his masculinity instead of condemning him
  • respecting him

… it was like someone put “an amplifier on the speaker with God’s voice in my heart.”

THIS is why God commands us to win our husbands without words.  We don’t force them to change with our words. When we attempt to verbally force our husbands to do what we want, we can unknowingly cause a lot of destruction. Instead, let’s inspire them by our example and the love, joy and peace of God in our hearts. How I pray we might live in the power of God’s Spirit and learn to use our incredibly strong influence, our words, our attitudes and our actions to bless, build up and encourage our husbands for God’s glory!

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

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From a sister in Christ who has walked this road and was willing to answer some of my questions about being married to a man who is very to himself and quiet…

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OUR BACKGROUND

This comes from being with my husband for 11 years (8 years of marriage), being his 4th wife, having 11 children between the two of us, 6 at home, 2 separations, and the last one almost ending in divorce (had a court date set). God still works miracles and although my husband did many things wrong, once i opened my heart to God he showed me how incredibly sinful i was being as a wife. Let me say that this email comes after being reconciled over a year and on June 21, 2013, we celebrated one year sobriety for him.

WHY MY HUSBAND WAS THE WAY HE WAS

First I want to say it is important as a wife to understand the REASONS her husband may be (non-communicative). In our case my husband finally opened up to me that he had been abused as a child an NEVER told anyone. This opened so many doors for healing for the both of us. He saw that I was still going to accept and love him and he could trust me and I understood that it wasnt anything that I had done for him to shut down and not even want to be intimate with me physically, but together we can overcome this.

To answer the questions….

1. How has God shown you how best to bless your husband?

God revealed to me that just because he needs to be alone and silent does not mean he doesn’t love me or is having an affair. Sometimes he loves to have me present in the room with him even if he doesnt feel like talking.. He just likes to know I am there. Other times he would prefer to go for a ride alone or stay home while me and the kids go somewhere and through Christ, I have realized that’s ok.

2. How do you handle your needs for emotional/spiritual connection in a godly way?

For any woman struggling with feeling alone, I highly recommend reading the book “Captivating.” It literally had me in tears and God spoke to me through it. There was part in particular talking about how God loves to give us “gifts.”  As I thought about it, I recalled times where I had seen things in nature that God knew I loved and He had shown me how much He loved me by giving me the “gift” of witnessing it. When I feel neglected or lonely, I turn to God.

3. How do you make it safe for your husband to share his feelings with you?

Oh my!!! I used to be so bad at this!!

I would ask my husband for advice on decisions with the kids, house, finances, etc and if I didn’t like what he said, I would voice that very strongly and do what I wanted to do anyway... talk about a shut down on his part!!

This took almost a year to regain his trust and it is still a work in progress.

I have had to SHOW him that I will respect his wishes over and over in order to get to where he is able to openly talk to me.  I can honestly say I think he feels I am a safe place now.  I try to listen to him an then offer my advice or opinion in a loving manner.  Even if  I disagree or am trying to point out something he has made a mistake on (and I do that rarely and usually only if pertinent) I do so in a loving manner instead of lashing out at him and belittling him.

(From Peacefulwife- some husbands feel disrespected if a wife offers any unsolicited advice.  Many men want to handle their problems on their own.  Some are only open to our advice if they ask us for our advice.  You’ll need to study your own husband to know what will work best for him. )

I am his other half and his partner, NOT his boss.

4. How does your husband show his love to you?

This is very difficult for him and for me to accept. My husband is not romantic.  He forgets things.  He’s not big on gifts or planning dates.

This had to be an acceptance on my part.

I know he loves me because

  • he listens to me
  • he values my opinions
  • he turns to me when he needs help
  • he comes home every night
  • he has given up alcohol

He doesn’t leave me little notes or presents and he doesn’t often surprise me or give me unexpected kisses.  I found  that I compared him to men that did those things and that was a trap from Satan.  

I have learned to read his facial expressions and nonverbal language and that’s enough for me .

 5. When did you learn to accept the ways your husband shows you love instead of expecting him to show it verbally?

I began a journey over a year ago to become a better wife. The first part of that journey only pushed him further away because it was too late.

He felt it was just a desperate attempt to get him to believe I had changed but

He didn’t believe it because it had been 10 years of me not listening to him and expecting things that weren’t his personality .

The journey is still ongoing but I don’t think he believed it was truly a change for me until I forgave him for an affair and loved him through it and he was able to tell me about his abuse.

6. Did you think marriage would change his personality and that he would talk more once you were married? If so, why?

This one doesn’t personally pertain to me because it wasn’t an apparent issue when we got married – but I do caution anyone who feels this way.  

Nothing can change a person except for God and that person’s will. 

You can pray for it, but it has to be a breaking of their heart and spirit to let God in… and frankly, it may need to be a breaking of your own heart to realize YOU are the one who needs to change.

7. What challenges have you faced in your marriage with communication?

I think this one I have pretty well gone over. It more or less had to be me realizing that my husband wasn’t really doing anything wrong. It was just his personality and I had to learn to work with him.

8. What makes your husband feel most loved/respected?

My husband feels the most loved and respected when he knows that I value his opinion.

  • If he is getting onto the kids and maybe doesn’t understand the situation or got the wrong kid, instead of calling him out in front of them,  I will ask for him to take a time out in the other room so we can discuss things.
  • In public, I let him speak.  So what if he got the day or the specific time wrong unless its someone’s birthday.  Does it really matter if the fish he caught was 5 lbs or 6 lbs?  Or who cares if the road you turned on to go to that cool place was on the right or the left??? Is it really worth making him feel inferior? It is very belittling to correct him in front of other people.

9. How have you been able to use your verbal/communication skills to adapt to your husband’s unique personality and needs?

I am a VERY communicative person. My husband is not. It is incredibly frustrating sometimes.

I have learned it helps me to write to him.

I write letters quite often.  I leave notes in his lunchbox, short texts throughout the day, etc.. Although he does not communicate much verbally, I do know that he enjoys reading my letters of affirmation. He likes to know that I respect him.

In situations like I listed earlier, I see the look on his face when I praise him in public or when I don’t correct him when he thinks I will – because he realizes he made a mistake. I used to call him all the time and interrupt his work. That was a huge distraction and annoyance for him.  I still want to do that because I like to hear his voice, but I have learned instead if I just absolutely must say something I jot it down and give him a note when he comes home.

There are so many other things I have learned personally.

While most people would have bailed on our marriage,  I am so thankful that I allowed God to use everything we have been through as a teaching tool.  It would be so easy to say he did all the sinning and I have every right to leave him – but in fact, I was a horrible sinner as well.

God is to be first in my life, and then my husband. I am learning that by working to please and help my husband I, in return, am finding more satisfaction and happiness.

It IS worth the effort! 🙂

RELATED:

The Introvert Husband – by the Genuine Husband

Being Married to a Man Who Doesn’t Talk Much – by Peacefulwife

How to Talk so Your Husband Will Listen and Listen So Your Husband Will Talk by Rick Johnson – AWESOME BOOK!!!!!!  I am going to be talking about this more soon!  But I heartily recommend it for single women and wives to learn to understand our men better and to learn how to better communicate in ways that are effective, respectful and powerful with our men – to bless them and our marriages.

Why Your Husband May Not Immediately Do What You Want Him to Do

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Are we trying to control our husbands?

I had another impromptu interview with my husband.  I’m so thankful he is usually game for answering my questions!  He is able to express a masculine point of view very clearly now – I learn so much from him every time we talk!  My husband may not be speaking for all men as he answers these questions.  I hope other husbands might be willing to share their perspectives, as well.  But I think it is possible that other husbands may look at things the way my husband does – and this may be something to prayerfully consider for us as wives.  (If you have SERIOUS issues in your marriage – your husband has uncontrolled mental health problems, major addictions,  major unrepentant sin, physical abuse, infidelity, etc… this post may not apply to your husband.  Please seek godly, wise counsel ASAP!):

I was talking with my husband about a situation that – I would guess – probably happens in almost every marriage at some point, maybe MANY points:

The wife feels disconnected emotionally.  She feels like she is not a priority.  She feels like work, the TV, hobbies, the kids or friends are bigger priorities for her husband than she is.  She is feeling unloved.  So she begins to say things like:

  • Why don’t you ever sit with me?
  • I want us to sit together/cuddle.  We never spend time together.
  • I’m not a priority to you.
  • If you really loved me, you would make time for me and you would want to sit with me on the couch (or cuddle with me in bed) instead of sitting by yourself at the computer/in the recliner.
  • I want to be with you, but you never want to be with me.  You wouldn’t care if we never spent time together.
  • You need to sit with me right now!
  • Oh, no!  Where do you think YOU’RE going?????  You can’t go out with your friends.  You’re spending time with ME!
  • Why can’t you turn off the TV and talk to me????!?!!
  • Why did you even marry me if you never want to be with me?
  • You obviously love the TV more than you love me.
  • I have felt disconnected from you for weeks!  All you want me for is sex.  I feel like such a piece of meat to you.
  • You care more about football/hunting/sports than you do about me.  You need to spend some time with me right now!
  • I feel like we are just roommates.  You don’t love me at all.  Why don’t you ever just cuddle with me and talk with me?

The wife just thinks she is “sharing her heart” and saying what she needs.

She thinks she is being totally reasonable  – because any woman would feel the same way she does in her situation.  She fully expects him to drop whatever he is doing RIGHT THEN and come lavish attention and affection on her.  In all likelihood, she probably believes that her husband has the same emotional need to verbally connect that she does.  If we assume our husbands think just like we do – we can get ourselves into HUGE trouble because it is VERY EASY to assume that our husbands have evil motives toward us based on their behavior and our assumptions that our husbands’ motives must be the same as our motives would be if we were behaving the way they are behaving.  I hope you were able to follow me on that last sentence!

ASSUMING THE WORST OR THE BEST?

Unfortunately, our assuming the worst about our husbands does not promote a healthy marriage.  It brings out the worst in our husbands  – and in ourselves – when we make these kinds of assumptions.  

We end up sabotaging ourselves and preventing ourselves from getting the very emotional intimacy we really long for!

If we can take the time to realize that our husbands and men in general often have VERY different ways of thinking, feeling and processing life than we do – that their masculine perspectives are totally different from our feminine perspectives – we can offer grace, understanding and empathy assuming the BEST about our men instead of the worst.  This is the kind of environment healthy marriages need in order to flourish.

Another issue is that in each of the examples above – the wife was approaching her husband disrespectfully.  She was either giving him a directive (telling/ordering him what to do), making a demand or unfairly assuming that her husband is being unloving.  This is NOT the way to motivate a husband to do what we want!  

Men don’t like to be controlled.  Honestly, who does?? Husbands respond to RESPECT – sincere, genuine respect that is completely free of manipulation.

I would suggest something like:

  • “Honey, I’m feeling lonely today.  Would you please hold me sometime when you have a few minutes?  Thanks!”
  • “Honey, I really miss you.”
  • “I can’t wait to get to be in your arms soon.”
  • “I’m really looking forward to have a chance to just talk and relax together soon.”

I would say this with a smile and a pleasant tone of voice.  And then – be gracious no matter how he responds.  This is a respectful way to share our feelings and needs WITHOUT pressuring our husbands, making them the bad guy or making demands.  If he feels pressured, he will not feel like he has the freedom to delight you.  He may feel like he has to wait a day or several days to be able to really give you what you say you desire.

HERE ARE SOME OF MY HUSBAND’S THOUGHTS  (I hope some other husbands will also share their thoughts on this important issue, too!)

“If a wife demands attention/affection/discussion immediately, a husband is in a terrible predicament.

  • If he immediately does what she says she wants, he and she both know that his actions are not genuine.  He feels he has no choice but NOT to do what she demanded right then.
  • If he does not do what she says she wants, she will think he is a total jerk and that he is being extremely unloving.  He knows this.  He doesn’t like it. But he MUST know that he is acting because he wants to, not because she is ordering him to do something.

He has to wait a certain amount of time so that he can act in his time, not her time.

It may be that later that week, if his wife asked respectfully and doesn’t blast him with criticism/contempt/disrespect – he will try to make some extra special time to hold and cuddle her and show her affection.  But it will only be when it is HIS idea and he knows that she knows that it is not because she is forcing or coercing him – but that he wants to give her his attention on his own.”

A FEW OF MY HUSBAND’S THOUGHTS ABOUT “EMOTIONAL CONNECTION”

Greg says that – from his perspective – when I feel emotionally disconnected from him, it is MY emotional disconnection, not his.  He says that a husband “is  feeling very connected to his wife until she says she feels disconnected, then he feels like she is saying he has failed her.”

Most men are not motivated by feeling like failures.

I know that wives don’t intend to communicate, “I feel disconnected from you, so you are a failure in my eyes.”  But, maybe that could be what our husbands HEAR?  I don’t know if this is how every husband feels.  Maybe some husbands feel this way?

Greg says, “When a wife wants emotional connection, if he thought things were fine, it is a slap in the face to him.  If he was gone on a trip or very busy with baseball or kids or work, then he can understand her feeling disconnected.  If he is unaware of her disconnection, it is like wife has a hole in her bucket, he can’t fill it fast enough.  He feels he can never do enough to satisfy her.”

“Wives need emotional connection, husbands don’t need nearly what a wife would need.  Most men have very few emotional connections outside of their wives.”

“If the family has a very hectic schedule, a husband would be fine without talking all week, and would understand that this is what we have to do to get this done.  It’s not that I don’t love her or am not connected.  My love doesn’t change because of that.”

I asked Greg, “What makes a husband feel connected or not?”

He said, “Disrespect can make a husband feel disconnected and for some men, not having sex with their wives in a certain time frame can make them feel disconnected.  But

usually, a guy is going to be connected, and will not lose his connection unless his wife disconnects from him.”

MY THOUGHTS AFTER OUR DISCUSSION:

My feeling is that as a wife, many times our “neutral status” is feeling disconnected.   We feel we have to do something actively to feel connected (talking, cuddling, affection, time together, praying together).

Greg said he believes that “A husband’s ‘neutral status’ is  feeling connected and they have to do something  actively to feel disconnected.”

WHAT AN IMPORTANT CONCEPT!

When I learned that my husband thinks of his love for me as unchanging and constant, regardless of what he says to me or our time to talk in a given week, that was a HUGE burden lifted from my shoulders.  Now, I am able to rest in his love and know that he feels connected to me, even if we don’t get to have the time together I would really like.   That helps me feel very connected to him – even when we can’t talk as much as I would like. Of course, I am also resting in my Jesus’ love that is unending and never failing, knowing that nothing can separate me from His love.

“For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn talks about this – that most Christian husbands see their love as unchanging and solid.  Many of them have no idea why their wives constantly want reassurance of something that, to them, is steady and constant.  One man said (this is my paraphrase), “my wife needing constant reassurance of my love seems as unnecessary as if she were to ask every day ‘Do we still own the house?’  Of course we still own the house!  We bought it!  And, of course I still love you, I married you!”

Men do not always express love verbally.  For a lot of men – words aren’t worth much.   But that DOES NOT mean they don’t love their wives.  They tend to show their love in action.  They often show love by going to work everyday and providing for their families. They show love by running to the pharmacy in the middle of the night when the baby wakes up sick, or by putting gas in their wife’s car, or by lifting burdens from her when she is overwhelmed.  They show love by remodeling the house, taking the family to church, taking out the trash – by the things they DO.  And when they do these things, they do them out of love, not because someone tried to force them to do them.

A NEW APPROACH

I think if we approach our husbands as if they live in this mysterious (new to us) world of masculinity that we know nothing about and that we would like to explore his world with him – and ask questions with eyes of wonder and amazement and friendly, genuine curiosity – continuing to see the best in him – our husbands will be able to eventually open up to us more and more.

I would like to see us as wives assume that if we don’t understand why our husbands are doing something, that they have good motives towards us.  Unless they have definitely proven to be evil and untrustworthy, let’s assume the best about them, instead of the worst.  Let’s assume they love us (if you have SEVERE issues in your marriage, this may not be true – but most husbands do love their wives – especially if they are still with them.)  And let’s assume that they don’t have evil motives towards us.  Let’s assume maybe we don’t understand how they think and maybe their priorities are different from ours.  But let’s not assume they are ill-willed towards us and that they are our enemies.

RELATED:

The TV Issue 

How Men Think

How Men Think – Part 2

How Men Think – Part 3

How Do Men Process Emotions?

A Husband Answers My Questions about Emotions

Another Husband Answers My Questions about Emotions

More Men’s Emotions

Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected

An Interview with My Husband  (Understanding a passive husband’s mindset)

How Do Men Think?


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I am SOOOOO excited about this post!  I believe that if we as women could better understand how God designed our men to operate, think, feel and look at life – we could be so much more accepting, understanding, empathetic and appreciative of their strengths and even their weaknesses.  I believe that if we realize that a man’s brain works very differently from our own, we will be able to allow him the time and space he needs without resenting him, or thinking he is unloving, or assigning evil motives to our husbands – just because they don’t think, talk and act like we do.  This is just a small sample size of men.  I hope to feature some other men with different ways of thinking in future posts on this topic.

Click here for Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4 in this series.

MY HUSBAND’S THOUGHT PROCESSES

I asked Greg  (an engineer) if he solves problems at work and home with words in his mind.  The thought had never occurred to me that anyone could solve anything in their head without a constant stream of words.  He amazed me when he said that he doesn’t really use words for solving many problems.

For house projects (carpentry and plumbing, etc) he said he thinks in numbers and pictures, but not words.  And for family and marriage issues and big decisions, he said he thinks more in the form of input and output, logic systems, or a scale.  That really blew my mind!  No wonder he can’t always explain to me how he arrived at a conclusion – he isn’t using words to get there, but he is using a very logical method.  It is just not remotely MY method!

When he judges whether his logic system is working well, he uses my response and happiness as the measure of success – or the “output” of his system.  Wow!

And he said that when his system didn’t produce good results (my happiness) repeatedly – he just shut down the whole thing because the system wasn’t working.  That is the “shut down” I saw for weeks or months in the past. 🙁

MY DADDY’S EXPLANATION OF HIS THOUGHT PROCESSES

I asked my Daddy about this, too.  He’s also an engineer.  He said that when he is working on the house, he thinks in pictures.  He said when he is working on certain problems “Words are a waste of time and energy.  Pictures are much faster.”

OTHER MEN’S EXPLANATIONS OF HOW THEY THINK

Man 1:

I certainly think through things a lot but  when you are in a position of leadership or authority (like a President) you have to be careful what you say because it could have dire consequences. Imagine if a pastor or priest thought out loud about everything that came into his head. Some of his thoughts may not be healthy for consumption but his position would give credibility to them. This may be a result of hard wiring or it may me a result of how boys are raised into men.

I will say this though. In my head I am isolating variables and thinking about them in words. I am just not speaking those words aloud or writing them down.

It does depend on the problem as to what I am thinking. I can imagine an engineer thinking in pictures because if you are building something you have to visualize it.  I am a chemist so when I am thinking about molecular structures I am definitely not thinking in words. When I am thinking about theology or philosophy I am thinking in words. I think it is hard to generalize.

MAN 2:

I would agree with Greg as well about not really thinking and processing with words. I tend to process alot just as he indicated by thinking about all the different options and if I do this these are the results, if I do this other thing the results change like this.

When it all comes down to it I look at all the options and figure out which is the best result. Sometimes it’s a matter of picking the least bad result because nothing is great, but many times it’s picking from a few good results and you have to consider how many people it will affect as you can’t know how they will see the results either. So I would definately say a majority of the time I focus and process with the right side of my brain. (From PW – the right side of the brain in men and women is where logic and reasoning happens.  For men, this area is not nearly as connected to the verbal center in the left side of the brain as it is for women.  This is a really important difference – that God created very purposefully – I believe – so that men can deeply concentrate and focus on spacial issues and think more efficiently about certain types of problems without the distraction of words and emotions.  That could be extremely helpful in a war situation or even at work.)

I will say that I have a pretty active imagination as well and sometimes while I still think about which choices will affect the outcome and look at all the options there are quite a few times where I will do that with pictures. Sort of a silent film in my head if you will.

I can see the scene unfold before me and based on choices made see how people react or how it unrolls from there. Granted it’s still all just my opinion on how it will happen and I can’t know for sure how someone else will react, but the movies I’ve created in my head to solve problems tend to be correct more than incorrect. So while I believe that I am still processing based on logic, past reactions I’ve seen, etc there is definately a part of my left brain that is in there moving things along as well. Even with that said there are still almost no words taking place. The only time words come up in the movies is when I have to say something to make a choice and see what the reactions are.

I would also agree with the “can’t explain it with words” comment. There have been many times in my life where if given the time to make a decision I process it and come to a decision and when I put forth what that decision is I am questioned to explain it. When I was younger I actually tried to explain it at times and it never came out well. When I start getting pressured about a topic and can’t explain it well enough I tend to fall back on using more basic words and things like always, never, all the time come out. I’ve learned that to someone who thinks and processes with words those particular words are caustic. As soon as those start coming out there’s not much chance of salvaging the discussion because those words mean something different to me than they do to women. Or more acurately they have more meaning to women than most men.”

OTHER MEN

You are welcome to comment about how you think!  I would love to run several more posts on this topic with a variety of men so that wives can find one who is most like their own husband to empathize with.

Wives, ask your husband sometime about if he thinks with words or pictures or equations or how  – and let me know what he says!

FOR THE MEN:

Check out the comments – I wrote out an explanation of how I used to think and how I think now.  Maybe it might be helpful for some of you – might give you some insights into how your wife might possibly think, too?

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