Skip to main content

Making Adjustments

April profile

Usually, during the school year, I am able to spend 30+ hours per week on online ministry – writing posts for both of my blogs, responding to comments, making Youtube videos, and sharing on Facebook. When my children are home for the summer, things get a bit more challenging ministry-wise. I don’t want to spend 30 hours per week online when I can spend time with them making memories and doing things together. This particular summer, we have had some staffing issues at the pharmacy where I work. At this point, it looks like I may be needed more at work throughout the whole summer, maybe even longer. I don’t know for sure yet. This has been a blessing to Greg that I have been able to work so much more in the pharmacy. I am thankful for that and thankful for my job. I am torn because I don’t want to neglect y’all in any way  – and yet, I have to make some changes, at least for the summer. I can’t do everything I really want to do.

Instead of having about 30 hours or so per week for ministry, I am going to have to adjust my expectations for the next 2 months, at least, that I will probably have about 10 hours per week. 

Would you please join with me in praying as I seek to do only what God desires me to do above all else?

Lord,

You are so very good. You alone have all wisdom. You know the plans You have for each of us. You are able to change our circumstances and direct our steps. You have the wisdom we need for every aspect of our lives. You know my heart – how I want to be in the very center of Your will. I want my priorities to align with Yours no matter what. I want to be sure I am spending much time with You in fervent prayer and in Your Word. I want to use my time wisely and make the most of the time I have with our children. I want to use my time wisely in ministry and I long to be available for You to use me however You desire to here. You know the deep sadness I feel when I think about not being able to be as available in ministry. I want to use my time wisely at work to bless and minister to those You ordain to cross my path there. More than my will, I long for Your will.

I lay everything out before You, Lord. I give You all of myself and all of my time and abilities. I will not cling to anything but Christ. Show me the way You desire me to go. Make it clear to Greg and to me the path You have for me. If You desire me to be at work more, I want to be where You want me to be. If You desire me to minister more, I want to be there. If You desire me to be with my children more, I want to be there. Help me to hear Your voice clearly as I wrestle with balancing all of these very good things in a way that brings You delight and honor. Direct my steps.

I also have another book to write that is due December 1st. Help me manage my time wisely so that I am able to hear Your voice and write Your message in that book and give it the time it needs, as well. I hope to really get going on it again when school starts back but not my will, but Your will be done. Please give me Your Spirit’s power, Your words, Your truth, Your love, and the time I need to allow You to pour through me into that work, as well, for Your glory.

I seek the good of my husband, our children, my boss/coworkers/patients, and those to whom I minister online. I know that You are able to lead me in the way that will ultimately be best for all involved and that will bring You the most glory. I pray that You might greatly increase and I might greatly decrease. I lay my dreams, desires, and plans down. I will wait patiently on You to show me Your way. Let me spend my time doing exactly what You want me to do in every area of my life.

Amen!

PRACTICALITIES:

Right now, I expect that I will need to drop back to one post per week for the rest of the summer. I will also have to adjust how often I post on www.peacefulsinglegirl.com, Facebook, my closed Facebook prayer group, and my Youtube channel, “April Cassidy.”

If you have been on this journey for awhile and you feel led by God’s Spirit, please reach out to those who are struggling and hurting in the comments. I will need some extra hands on deck to help me minister. I really don’t even have to say this – because y’all already do such an amazing job!! I am beyond grateful for the amazing readers God has provided here. You bless me tremendously! I want to thank so many of you for the way you all reach out to others and the way you extend love, support, prayer, encouragement, and the way you share the treasures God has given you in the times of fiery trials in your lives.

People are welcome to comment. 🙂  I appreciate your patience, though, as I may not be able to respond as quickly as I have in the past.

One good thing about these time constraints is that I pray it will help us all to be sure we are depending primarily on God, not on any person. Ultimately Christ is what we all need so desperately. What a blessing that He allows us to share this road together. I’m honored to get to be here!

 

Lord,

Be greatly glorified in each of our lives. Let us be in the very center of Your perfect will doing exactly what You desire us to do each moment of every day!

Amen!

 

 

 

 

"If I Trust and Obey God, I Will Be Fake and Lose Myself" – a Guest Post

Featured Image -- 15626

A wife asked, “Why does God always want to change people? That’s not real unconditional love. I don’t want to lose myself and I feel like I would lose myself if I do what God wants me to do.”

FROM ANOTHER WIFE AND SISTER IN CHRIST (with her permission):

You will be more *you* than you ever have been, when you give yourself fully to God and allow Him control of your life. I know it doesn’t seem like that, but it’s true.

The fact is, the old you is gone if you have truly put your trust only and totally in Christ for your salvation. If that is true, then your sinful self (your flesh) has been crucified, is dead and buried and you have been raised to new life in Christ. What God asks of us, then, is to live from the truth of this reality (Christ in you, with the personality, gifts, talents, etc. that He has given you). Until you begin to believe what He has said about you (you are loved completely and totally and are safe in and with Him, you are righteous in Christ, you are secure in Christ, etc., etc.) you will not have joy and peace because there is no joy and peace apart from Christ. You have to embrace all that Christ is in and for you for you to experience the freedom that Christ has already purchased for you.

I promise you, there is nothing to fear with this beautiful God who loves you.

Yes, you will experience trials and yes, there will be suffering. He does not lie to us about that (isn’t that great? You can totally trust Him because He doesn’t sugar-coat things!). But, the reality is we are going to face lots of trials in this life – either way. Not putting yourself in God’s hands doesn’t remove you from the trials and sufferings of this life. It just removes you from the blessing of resting in Him – in His love and sovereignty… and unfortunately, it sets us up for even further suffering because we determine to do it our way and hold on to control – and have to experience the painful consequences of our own way of doing things. God is too good and loves you too much to let you stay there.

Oh, and let me just bluntly call it like it is… Satan is flat-out lying to you.

Sometimes, it helps just to bring that out right into the light. He is trying to convince you that if you trust God totally, then God will require and demand of you more than you can give, or that God will test you with untold horrors. (I understand because I have bought into the same lies at times and still hear the whispers of them at times).

If you are truly one of His, He absolutely will bring you to a place of surrender. If I were you, I’d just trust that simple fact right now. Don’t try to force it, don’t feel condemned for not being able to “be where you should be” right now. Just simply tell him, “Lord, I want this in my life but I cannot do it. I can’t even surrender to You totally. But You have promised You will complete the good work You began in me and I trust You for that.”

And guess what? With a prayer like that, you have surrendered. Surrender is just handing it over to God….He will do the rest. All He asks is that you are willing.

And sometimes, I have to pray prayers like “God, I am willing to be made willing.” That’s all I have to offer Him and it’s enough. He delights in our admitting that what we have to offer in and of ourselves is inadequate. He is the Source of it all.

I’m excited for you because He’s already begun the work!!!

Praying for you today. So many of us have been there and yes, it feels crazy scary. But, God has you. Just relax and rest in Him. He is so good. Believe it.

Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

RELATED:

If I Become a Godly Wife, Will I Lose My Voice, My Power, or My Identity?

Does God Want Me to Be Fake or Lose Myself?

I Will Not Be a Second Class Citizen! – the RestoredWife

I Kind of Hated Some of  What You Had to Say! – guest post about how a wife felt when she first read my blog

What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman?

Godly Femininity Part 1

Godly Femininity Part 2

 

Transforming Our Thought Lives

someday-1431134

When the flesh is in control, our minds are filled with worldly things like:

  • greed
  • bitterness
  • gossip
  • hatred
  • materialism
  • envy
  • idolatry (desiring other things or people more than we desire God)
  • negativity
  • complaining
  • contention
  • lies
  • pride
  • lust
  • worry
  • fear
  • unbelief
  • self

These things consume our thoughts, fuel our motives, and ultimately determine our words and actions, as well.

When we repent of our sin and come to Christ, yielding to Him as LORD of all in our lives, He transforms our thinking by the power of His Spirit and His Word. So now, we purposely trash everything that is from the sinful nature and the enemy and fill our minds all throughout each day with things like:

  • thanksgiving
  • praises to God
  • contentment in Christ
  • prayer for ourselves, others, the church, the lost, and the world
  • good things about God, others, and this world
  • God’s peace
  • joy
  • God’s Word
  • truth
  • faith in God
  • songs to God
  • love for God
  • love for others
  • things that will benefit others
  • patience
  • kindness
  • grace, mercy, and forgiveness
  • God’s character and nature
  • awe  and reverence for God
  • genuine humility

Whatever we think overflows from our hearts from our facial expressions, our tone of voice, our words, and our behavior. When we are filled to overflowing with the power of the Holy Spirit and the goodness of God, this is what will spill out onto those around us.

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. Luke 6:45

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil. 4:4-8

Further Study:

Galatians 5:13-26

Ephesians  4:29-32

Taking Our Thoughts Captive for Christ – Peaceful Wife VIDEO

A Heart of Thanksgiving and Praise – Peaceful Wife VIDEO

WorthyofLove Realizes What This Journey Is All About!

Featured Image -- 19074

 

Worthyoflove shares some insights God has been showing her:

Yes, there is hope. And I am finding that God is intervening more and more quickly when I start to put my husband up as an idol again, or anything else.

I am learning first hand now that God will NOT allow any competition in our hearts. It is practically a guarantee that if I begin to idolize my husband, our marriage, people pleasing, control, or self again, then my husband will immediately withdraw from me and I am right back to where I started – alone, upset, and feeling pretty bad. And as much as I want to change, want my husband to change, want our marriage to be “good” – I am seeing that I can do nothing. I am powerless without GOD working in me to WILL AND TO DO of His good pleasure!!!!

Most importantly, I am seeing now for the first time, with the eyes of my heart, that this journey is really not about MY MARRIAGE OR HUSBAND at ALL! It is about God changing me and my heart to worship God and to Obey Him and please Him!!!!

I admit, when I first found your site and God opened my eyes and I began to really trust God and saw Him working in me, it took a few months, but my true motives were exposed when things did not really pan out as I would have liked – and I was immediately devastated.

But it is coming down to THIS:

  • I can either Trust God completely, letting go of all control, my own ways, all my desires for a good marriage, etc….I can trust God to deal with my husband and work in Him, and totally trust God for the outcome, whether my husband ever truly changes or not, whether he one day decides to leave, or whether he ever does anything I desire or not..I have to decide, Will I trust God with everything?

OR

  • I can continue to try to make things happen how I want, only losing more and more of my intimacy with my husband, and push him so far away that only a miracle could save the relationship, if at all. And not only that, I will be far from God, sinning, living in the flesh, and miserable!

Hmmmm….I think the choice is CLEAR!:)

I will TRUST IN THE LORD AND LEAN NOT ON MY OWN UNDERSTANDING! (Prov. 3:3-5)

I pray that God opens the eyes of all of our hearts, that we may see that HE ALONE IS WORTHY!!! And that we may TRUST IN HIM with all of our hearts! In the Name of Jesus! Amen

Other Posts By WorthyofLove:

A Wife Finally “Gets” Her Husband’s Text Messages

Without a Word

A Big Lightbulb Moment about True Contentment

 

Modest Swimwear Ideas

adidas-mini-in-gray

swim dress from www.hydrochic.com

We don’t have to give up swimming just because we want to dress modestly. There are so many options today no matter what coverage level you desire to achieve. Here are some ideas that may inspire you. 🙂 Happy summer, my dear sisters!

Surf suits for women from Amazon

from Amazon
from Amazon

 

 

 

images-13

 

 

 

 

Swim skirts/capris from Hydrochic

ss201-y-trb-blk-missy_1_1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Board shorts for women from Amazon

 

saleoff-clothing.com-board-shorts-maui-rippers-womens-our-womens-long-board-shor-womens-stretch-celestial-90-p

Rash Guard shirts for women  from Amazon

SBART-Rashguard-font-b-Women-b-font-font-b-Swim-b-font-font-b-Shirts-b

 

The rash guard shirt is from www.aliexpress.com. There are short and long sleeve versions and they are UV protective at many sites – search “swim shirt”!

Swim tights for women from Amazon

HTB1mIjPIpXXXXasXVXXq6xXFXXXd

The swim tights are from www.aliexpress.com

 

Swim dresses are available at  Modli.co and Hydrochic.com as well as many other sites with a variety of coverage levels.

DLJ1278modest-two-piece-overall-swimdress-azure-blue

DSS1637

"Without a Word" – WorthyofLove’s Experience

 

From WorthyofLove (who wrote about her husband’s text messages):

When a Husband Is Negative, Critical, or Hurtful” is just the reminder I need in my particular marriage. It seems more often than not that my husband is on the negative side, and a lot of times I take it personally. Before finding your site I would either go into “man mode” when he expressed his negative feelings (which is my name for when I try to solve all his problems and give advice and try to be the leader)—- or I would just shut him out and tell him to “man up”.

 

Well, after finding your site a few months ago, and really going through all the things I needed to change, etc… the perfect divine test came. My husband works away during the week, so we were talking on the phone one night, and he was very upset. He was upset about a work situation and very stressed about it, and just basically spiraling into negativity and hopelessness.

For the first time EVER, I LISTENED to him tell me all about it, and I just let him tell me all of it. And I had to consciously make a point to be quiet and just affirm his frustrations and build him up and be on his side about it all.

After a while, he calmed down, and he was definitely shocked that I didn’t storm into man-mode and go off about what he needed to do in that situation. Haha. Not long after, he said something like “maybe I’m exaggerating”….after he got it all out, he realized that it would be ok! And the next day he handled the situation at work and everything was ok! And I told him I was proud of him and that was that!! He even told me that I “handled him very well”! and he expressed that he would like me to be like that whenever he gets upset about work or anything!

I’ve noticed that over the past 2 months of this journey, my husband has DEFINITELY responded to me NOT giving him advice, any Bible quotes or anything of the sort in these types of situations, AND just in general in our marriage. He is beginning to say things out of the blue like:

  • “My attitude is bad”
  • “I need to stop treating you like that”
  • “I’m going to be thankful instead of complain”

This is only the beginning. I still mess up every now and again and fall into man-mode but THANKFULLY, The Spirit of God will not let me go on in it for long….there is very deep conviction when I do it, and if it happens when my husband is home I immediately say “wow I’m sorry. I don’t want to be like that!!!” and he is very forgiving.

I can confirm in my own experiences so far just in these 2 months that responding in love and/or being quiet, and just allowing GOD to convict him has done miracles!
actions truly speak louder than words to men!!!

RELATED:

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

A Drill Sergeant Approach VS a Godly Feminine Approach

Calming the Storm

Portia’s Story – Winning Him over Without a Word

Godly Femininity

To Speak or Not to Speak

I'm Working on Book #2!

IMG_1424

My publisher, Kregel Publications, asked me to write a second book, tentatively titled, “The Peaceful Mom”!

How amazing is that?!?!

God continues to open so many doors, I am completely overwhelmed and in awe. My goal has been, “Lord, I am fully Yours. Use me however and wherever You will. Just show me the way. Whatever assignment you have for me – I want to be in the very center of Your will. I want all of Your perfect will and nothing but Your perfect will.”

Greg and I have two children – a 14 year old son and a 9 year old daughter. We are still in the middle of the whole thing and have a long way to go, ourselves. The second isn’t going to be a book about parenting, but rather, a continuation of “The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord” where we delve even deeper into living fully for Christ and how that impacts our attitudes and mindsets toward our children. Many wives have commented to me how what they have learned about respect and about living for Christ as Lord has dramatically affected the way they approach their children, too. Of course, when Christ is Lord of all in our lives – He will empower us in all of our relationships and change the way we treat everyone!

God-willing, I am planning to discuss things like:

  • God’s design for families
  • Purifying our thought lives
  • Being responsible for ourselves spiritually and our own emotions
  • Honoring our husbands as fathers
  • Modeling to our children how to respect those in authority
  • Not allowing our children to become idols in our hearts
  • Releasing our dreams for our families and children to God and seeking His will and His greatest glory instead
  • Counting trials as joy
  • Overcoming perfectionism and people pleasing
  • Avoiding destructive attempts to motivate our children like: playing the martyr, loving with strings attached, control, and guilt
  • Living out forgiveness, mercy, and grace in front of our children

The biblical concepts we will talk about in book 2 would apply for women who don’t have children, too – even to many single women. We will be delving more deeply into discipleship and following Christ. Those things apply to us all! Then we will focus especially on how these concepts relate to us as moms.

I AM GOING TO NEED HELP!

I would like to collect stories from my amazing readers about these topics that I may be able to use in the book. Be on the lookout in your life. 🙂 If you think of something God has shown you about how you relate to your children in one of these areas that you believe He would like you to share, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

Examples – some moms have realized (when reading about becoming a peaceful wife) that:

  • their teenage sons respond well to respect rather than control
  • they had made their children into idols that they desired above Christ in various ways
  • perfectionism has been killing the joy in their home
  • as they learn to take their own thoughts captive, they are better able to help their children take their thoughts captive and address any unbiblical thinking and lies their children are believing
  • when they are full of the joy and peace of Jesus instead of being very worried and upset a lot, their children blossom
  • children respond well to encouragement, vulnerability, direct communication, genuine praise, respect, honor, and unconditional love
  • parenting is much more productive and easier when moms close ranks with their husbands and the parents present a united front
  • their children’s behavior improves when they begin treating their husbands with respect and that the children begin to speak more respectfully to both parents and maybe to other authorities in their lives

Maybe you have a similar story you would like to share about things God has shown you on this journey regarding your children and the way you think as a mother. Or maybe you would like to share a godly or unhealthy example you experienced and how that impacted you later as a wife and mom. Stories will be shared anonymously. I don’t want to throw anyone “under the bus” or dishonor any of our parents. We can remove identifying details, if necessary. The main goal is to pray about if there is something in your experiences that you believe God may want to use to bless others to help them learn without having to repeat mistakes or to help them learn from beautiful examples you have seen.

I can’t guarantee that every story can be used. But I love to hear your stories and can’t wait to see all that you want to share.

 

Thank you all for being on this journey with me! What an honor to get to walk this road together! 🙂

Much love to each of you,

April

 

 

 

 

"I Wish My Husband Would Text Me from Work!"

IMG_8433

I am so thankful for everyone taking the time to answer my poll questions last month about our expectations vs. the reality of how much contact our husbands make with us while the are at work. Texting, calling, or emailing can be a source of wonderful bonding for some couples or a source of a lot of hurt feelings and contention for others. I have shared the results of the two polls at the bottom of this post if you would like to refer to them – could be interesting.

Sometimes the thing that causes the most hurt feelings in our marriages can be our expectations – particularly when our expectations and reality don’t match up very well. One reader shared with me a few years ago, “expectations are premeditated resentment.”

If you read the survey results, you will find that there are a wide variety of expectations about how much contact wives would like to have from their husbands. Some wives are totally fine if they don’t hear from their husbands at all during a work shift. For others, it ruins their whole day – maybe even the whole relationship – if they don’t hear from their husbands a certain number of times per day on a given day.

Why? How can some wives be totally content with no contact, and other wives are upset if their husbands don’t contact them at least every hour?

I believe it comes down to expectations and where we find our security.

I used to get really upset if Greg didn’t contact me from work. Especially if I found out he wasn’t really busy and could have emailed/texted me. I took him not contacting me to mean things like:

  • If he had time to contact me but he didn’t make any effort to contact me, he obviously doesn’t love me as much as I love him.
  • If he loves me, he would MAKE time to contact me to tell me he loves me during the day.
  • I should measure his love for me by how often he contacts me while we are apart.
  • I should measure my security in our marriage by how often he texts/emails/calls me.

I sent him emails almost every day – sometimes really, really long emails to tell him how much I loved him because WORDS are my biggest love language. I was trying to do for him what I wanted him to do for me. I was following the Golden Rule, right? I thought that words and verbal/written communication would be as big of a gift to him as they were to me.

Turns out, my engineering-minded husband, doesn’t bond with words. When I realized that a few years ago – it completely blew my mind!

Words are not a big thing for him. In fact, he feels connected to me and bonded with me all the time whether we have any conversation or not. To me – earlier in our marriage – “bonding” and “emotional connection” only happened when we were talking face-to-face without any distractions or when we were having a typed conversation.

Sometimes, we can feel a lot more connected and loved by our husbands if we set down our preconceived expectations of how they “should” love us and we learn to receive love in the ways they actually like to give love.

When I found out that Greg didn’t bond with words and that he always felt connected to me unless I was upset with him – what freedom that insight brought me! I learned to rest in Greg’s love whether we were communicating during the day or not. I learned to expect that he did love me and to greet him with joy and gladness when he got home instead of with resentment and bitterness that he didn’t email me. I dropped my expectations of him contacting me when he was at work and accepted that he doesn’t bond with words and that is not wrong – it is just different from how I bond.

At first, this was really hard for me. I thought to myself, “It would be easier for me to send 87 loving emails to Greg than to not email him at all. This is SO HARD!!!!!”

These days, Greg does contact me if he has a question or something to share with me. And I do the same. Sometimes we are in contact multiple times through the day. Sometimes we don’t talk at all during a work shift.  Now, I can be content either way. I have learned to enjoy the love he shows me in the way he shows it. I have learned to appreciate that – to him – just being together in the same room is bonding. Now, we actually do a lot more talking (which I love) because I don’t react with resentment and anger to Greg or try to force him to show love exactly the way I like to show love. I can ask for things in a pleasant, friendly, respectful way if I want to. But I can be content whether he emails me or not. I can be content whether he texts or calls me or not. I can be content whether we spend hours together in the evenings or not.

I CAN ASK FOR WHAT I WOULD LIKE:

I can certainly say, “Honey, it would mean so much to me if you get a chance to send me a little text during the day sometime. I feel very loved when you do that. ;)”

But then, if he doesn’t or can’t contact me, I can still respond with grace, respect, dignity, and poise. I don’t have to fall apart. I don’t have to automatically assume the worst. I can focus on allowing God to meet my deepest needs rather than trying to make my husband, a mere human, meet my deepest needs.

Another thing to keep in mind is that when your husband is working is not a good time to try to have deep, serious, painful discussions about the relationship or to shower him with lots of problems. There may be some problems you need to share with him when he is at work that need urgent attention. But generally keeping the conversation light, sweet, and pleasant, while he is at work can be a blessing to him – unless there is truly an emergency, of course.

MY SECURITY IS NOT IN A MAN:

I have learned to find all of my security, peace, purpose, joy, and identity in Christ, not in Greg. If I idolize my husband and expect him to meet the deepest needs of my soul that only Jesus can meet, I am going to be clingy and needy with Greg and I will repel him. Not only that, but he can’t meet my deepest needs. He is not God.

I am responsible for my own emotions whether Greg does what I want him to or not. And I am responsible for my own spiritual well-being in Christ. I get to determine whether I will be joyful and content or not. My level of joy and contentment is a function of how much I allow the Holy Spirit to fill me up and to have control instead of my fleshly self. No one else can determine that for me.

I like to modify Philippians 4:11-13 a bit to fit our marriages sometimes:

ORIGINAL: I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

MY VERSION: I have learned that the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether my husband shows love in the ways I prefer or not. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. In fact, whether my husband meets my needs or he doesn’t, Jesus always meets my deepest needs and I will be abundantly content in Him!

—————-

POLL RESULTS FOR WIVES (Reminder, this is not a scientific, statistically accurate poll)

  1. Does your husband contact you when he is at work just “because”? (603 votes)
  • He contacts me, but only if there is something he needs to ask me.   28%
  • Yes, multiple times per day, usually.    26%
  • Yes, once per day, usually.    22%
  • Yes, a few times per week, usually.     9%
  • No, he doesn’t contact me when he is at work – even though he probably could.     6%
  • Yes, once a week, usually.     6%
  • He contacts me, but only if there is an emergency.     3%
  • No, but he is not allowed to contact me when he is at work.      1%

2. How often would you like your husband to contact you from work just to let you know he loves you?  (537 votes)

  • At least once per day.     43%
  • A few times per week.      20%
  • At least once per week.      13%
  • Multiple times per day.      11%
  • Once per month or so.     8%
  • Never, I would rather he not contact me when he is at work.      3%
  • He isn’t allowed to contact me from work – so it isn’t an issue.      1%
  • At least every hour.      0% (2 votes)
  • I’m not allowed to receive contact from him when I am at work.      0%  (1 vote)

3. How important is it to you for your husband to contact you from work to emotionally connect? (523 votes)

  • Important to me.     27%
  • Very important to me.      23%
  • A little important to me.     21%
  • Extremely important to me.     17%
  • Not important to me at all.      12%

4. If your husband doesn’t contact you when he is at work, how would you feel? (532 votes)

  • totally fine – I would still feel loved by him and connected to him.     44%
  • A little sad and a little unimportant.     43%
  • Very sad and unimportant.     11%
  • REALLY, REALLY upset, unloved, rejected, and devastated.     2%

POLL RESULTS FOR HUSBANDS (This is not a scientific, statistically accurate poll.)

  1. Do you ever contact your wife while you are working just to show her you love her? (257 votes)
  • Yes, multiple times per day.     25%
  • Yes, a few times per week.     24%
  • Yes, once per day.     29%
  • Rarely.     13%
  • I contact her if I have a question I need to ask her, but not “just because.”     11%
  • Yes, once per week.     5%
  • I am not allowed to make personal calls/texts at work.     3%

2. Do texts/emails/phone calls during the day make you feel more bonded with and loved by your wife? (254 votes)

  • Yes! I LOVE it when she contacts me and feel more loved by her.     56%
  • I feel bonded with her and loved whether she contacts me at work or not.     39%
  • I feel less loved or connected if my wife contacts me when I am at work.     5%

3. Are you concerned that too much contact from your wife when you are at work could hurt your job? (249 votes)

  • No, it is not a concern at all for me.      65%
  • Yes, it is somewhat of a concern.     22%
  • Yes, it is a big concern.     7%
  • I’m not sure.     6%

4. What makes you feel most loved and appreciated by your wife? (257 votes)

  • Sex     40%
  • Time doing something fun side by side   36%
  • Words, texts, emails, phone calls, and conversations.     16%
  • Praying together.     6%
  • Eating together.     2%

(Several husbands wrote in that just being in the same room with their wives, not necessarily doing anything together, is the most bonding to them. Another wrote that when his wife anticipates his needs and meets his needs, he feels most loved, appreciated, and bonded – it could be any of the things on the list or something else entirely.)

"I Want to Be Desired by Other Men, Too"

guys looking

A reader and I are tag-teaming together to write about this – in conversation style.  I greatly appreciate her contribution and willingness to share so vulnerably. My prayer is that God might use this post to help many other women break free from these kinds of destructive, toxic thoughts:

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar or tempting?

  • I want other men to notice me and be attracted to me.
  • I want other men to be jealous that they don’t have me.
  • I want other men to lust for me.
  • I want to know that other men find me irresistible or tempting.
  • I want other men to think I am really interesting, beautiful, sexy, and fun to be around.
  • I like for other men to flirt with me to prove that I am a good catch.
  • I like to know that I am still attractive to other men, too.
  • I want to know that other men want to fall in love with me.

FROM A READER:

Yes, you’re one the right track with those, and it goes deeper (for me) as well…

… like a woman’s sense of self-worth or validation comes from her ability to attract a man and have him love her.

I thought as a girl that the “proof” that I was lovable or valuable was having a guy fall in love with me. My operating in this belief not only left several broken hearts behind me as I selfishly looked for the next “project” to build my confidence up, but even now that I’m saved and married, I still feel the desire to know that I still have enough attraction/interest to attract a mate creep up (especially when I feel unappreciated by my husband).

My Dad left us when I was in elementary school, and I took it very personally.

I began to long for the love of a man for personal validation, and developed the idea that perfect happiness would be a marriage where I’m 100% satisfying to my man, and he’s 100% satisfying to me, a sort of mutual worship.

I got saved after being married, and though I see the idolatry of this, I still struggle hugely with wrapping my self-worth and happiness in how I’m loved my by husband. When my husband has an outburst of anger (never violent, but he has a temper), I take it very personally, as though he’s saying I’m unlovable or he hates me (even though he’s never said these words, but that’s how it feels to me).

If I can get “looks” or hints of interest from another man, especially one that seems reasonable and in good-standing, it reassures me that my husband is wrong – I am still lovable, and a man out there might be happy to have me as his wife even if my husband isn’t.

There’s a lot of pain and confusion in trying to write that out, but what stands out to me is the issue of trying to find my satisfaction outside of Christ and my self-worth outside of Christ, as well idolizing romantic love and adultery of the heart.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Whose approval do you really need? What gives you your worth and value? These are critical questions to prayerfully consider.

Check out these posts and see if they might be a blessing, my dear sister:

 

FROM THE SAME READER:

There were definitely some things that stood out like a sore thumb in some of those blog posts, mostly the idea that I will never be enough to make my husband love me perfectly.

This is a huge blow to my pride!

But instead of humbling myself and agreeing that I’m not enough to satisfy my husband perfectly or have him be able to love me perfectly, that I am unworthy to be worshipped or idolized, and then looking to Christ who IS worthy of worship, my heart has secretly sought to find it’s longed-for worship in whatever way it can – if not by my husband, then the easiest/fastest being the cheap idolatry of looks from men or the ability to rouse interest in them.

  • But it is NOT my husband’s job to idolize me or worship me. And when he doesn’t idolize me, I’m not justified in seeking to secure these things in other men, though that’s how my pride feels in the moment.

To be faced with the truth that I’m not enough to make my husband love me perfectly is a humiliating blow to my pride. But rather than trying to cover this humiliation by letting my idol of self loose to get fed any way it can (thus strengthening the idol of my pride), I can let the humiliation have it’s intended work on my heart – to humble myself before Christ, my all-sufficient Saviour, who ALONE is worthy of worship and praise, and who saw the ugly truth of my sin and suffered and died because of it.

It’s not about me. Christ calls me to DENY myself.

That overfed idol of my pride needs to be starved out. So when my idol is hungry for a meal (the adoration of my husband), or a snack (a look from another man), I have a choice.

  • Who will be fed today, my flesh or my spirit?
  • Will I scrounge for worship of self, or worship Him who alone is worthy of worship?

I pray God does in me what only He can do. I pray He teach me to worship and praise Him from a sincere heart.

I feel like we’re getting to the core of the sin, pride and desiring to be idolized by my husband or others. I think the deeper part is that I’m really putting myself before God in my heart. It can be confusing, because sometimes I think my motives for seeking God or trying to become a godly wife are tinged by pride as well, trying to impress others or God by my “godliness.” Sometimes I feel I can’t even discern to true motives of my heart, and feel stuck in the deceptiveness of my own pride.

I’ve been feeling God drawing me to His word daily. I need to renewing of my mind and to trust that He will do it. I can’t get unstuck in the tangles of my pride and sin on my own. I need to truly come to God for this work and stop trying to do it on my own.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I am so glad that you are getting to the core of the issue! That is wonderful!  Pride is the source of all other sins. From it flow all of our arrogance that we know better than God, that we can use God as a means-to-an-end, that we can get people to think highly of us, that we are good in and of ourselves, that we can justify our sin, etc…

Pride is blinding and very deceptive, yes!

I got to read a book last month by Andrew Murray called “Humility.” It was POWERFUL. I would encourage you to check it out for free at this link!

You are right that we do have to watch our motives about seeking God or trying to become a godly wife. We do have to watch for pride and guard against it. All of us. Myself included. We can’t do this on our own. We are in total and desperate need of Jesus and His work on our behalf every moment of every day.

Sinning against Our Husbands, Our Brothers in Christ, and other Men:

Let’s also think about how much of a betrayal it is to our husbands and our marriage covenant if we purposely try to grab the attention of another man. We would never want our husbands to do that to us! I want us to be trustworthy and loyal – always honoring our marriage covenant in our hearts – whether things seem to be going well at the moment or not.

Let’s dress with modesty and act and think with modesty around other men – out of reverence for God and respect for ourselves, our husbands, our marriages, and other men. How wrong it is to purposely put a stumbling block in a brother’s path to try to get him to sin by lusting after us. God will hold us accountable for such motives. We should be encouraging others to live holy, godly lives, not encouraging anyone to stumble into sin because of us.

Godly Beauty:

Thankfully, ALL of us have the ability to have feminine, godly beauty that is of great worth in God’s sight. As we yield fully to Him as LORD of all in our lives and we allow Him to transform us and regenerate our souls and minds – He empowers us to have His overflowing peace, joy, and gentleness. He enables us to receive all that He has for us in Christ and to receive our husbands’ love. He gives us the ability to not freak out, become doormats, or control-freaks –  but to do what is right without giving way to fear. That is the essence of Godly femininity. 🙂

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 1 Peter 3:3-4

SHARE:

Have you experienced tempting thoughts like this? You are welcome to share your struggles and to share how God has helped you have victory over them, as well, if you feel so led.

Much love to each of you! I am praying for y’all daily!

RELATED:

Godly Femininity

Taking Our Thoughts Captive – Peacefulwife video

Tearing Out the Idols in Our Hearts  – Peacefulwife video

Dying to Self

25 Ways to Respect Myself

InHisGrip Talks about Not Shutting Down Emotionally

forever-and-ever-1313428

 

Today’s guest post is by a believing wife, InHisGrip:

I have always believed that a lot of people don’t deal with issues in relationships mostly because the hard conversations that need to be had are, well…..hard. Probably since I became a Christian, I have noticed and been aware of relationships that stay stuck or worse yet disintegrate into relationships full of bitterness, regret, unforgiveness, walls of pride, etc. I believe most of these have been because both parties (or even just one) have refused to be vulnerable with how they are feeling or refused to speak the truth in love to someone. I’m sure there are many factors that cause people to fear the process – probably the biggest one being rejection.

For myself and my particular situation, we were in a place where I had been hurt by some ongoing things that my husband was doing. Then one big event kind of magnified it all and really was the catalyst that God used to get me on the “respect” road. I started off thinking that I just needed to learn how to respect my husband, but I learned so many more things in the process – as you know and have gone through yourself. Interestingly, during the time of major conflict that we were in, I tried to confront my husband about the things he was doing that were causing me pain, but it never, ever went well (that would be an understatement!).

As God showed me how to respect my husband and as I dealt with working on myself, I went through an internal struggle about whether I should ever say anything to my husband about issues in our marriage or if God was trying to teach me to just be completely quiet and trust Him, waiting on Him to show my husband in His own timing.

FINDING BALANCE

What would happen was that my husband would respond negatively to me during those times of me bringing things to him (even after I was learning respect), so I would decide I was going to be quiet from then on. The problem was that as I shut that part of me down, everything else would shut down, too – my emotions, my vulnerability, everything that made me *me* and that drew my husband to me.

One of April’s recommendations for reading is some material by Bob Grant and his writings really helped me to understand that emotions aren’t (necessarily) wrong and also that our husbands need to see our emotions and emotional side (from Peacefulwife – unless they are motivated by sin). It is one of the things that attracts them to us.

I think God was also refining me more and more (and still is, of course!) as we would have these hard conversations so that I was learning a better way each time to approach these kinds of subjects with my husband that wouldn’t trigger a huge defensive reaction from him so that he would be able to hear my heart. But, there were times, too, when I really felt like I was doing the best I could at the moment and it would still shut my husband down. And, that was a whole other area of learning where I had to figure out how to react when I wasn’t being heard, when he didn’t seem to care or understand or even want to. I would be so tempted to shut down completely.

Many times, I have needed days or longer to just be quiet and process. During those times, God gave me grace to be respectful,

but respectful does not have to mean that we act like everything is perfectly fine and we are not hurt. (That is not real love, either).

It is very possible to be respectful, to bless our husbands in our pain, but to not be living a lie and being fake and acting like everything is completely ok. I don’t believe God is honored by that kind of behavior, and I believe Satan has tried to manipulate and lie to wives on this respect journey that that is what a good wife should do/be.

You know, even with the spiritual warfare possibility, we know that the darkness hates truth. Satan will do everything he can to suppress the truth – and some of that could mean manipulating you into a place where you believe you cannot speak the truth in love. Or telling you that you can’t tell your husband how much you miss him and need him because he might respond negatively or reject you. Anything that gets on a heart level.

Being vulnerable and dealing with our issues sometimes means me having to take a stand on certain things in our marriage that my husband was not wanting to see.

CHANGES IN OUR MARRIAGE

We are still living out that process, but in the last couple of months, I have seen a humility in my husband – he is not as determined to defend himself at all costs or to push the blame back on me, but is more willing to hear what I’m saying and to understand my pain and hurt and even to take a little ownership. This is not a result of him feeling pushed into a corner and just giving up for the sake of peace because my husband would never go for that – he’s not that kind of guy. 🙂 It is a result of me following the Spirit and being willing to fearfully bring my hurt again to my husband – even when he had shut my heart down so many times in the past.

I can’t tell you how many times I would say to him things like, “I want to shut down, but I know that you don’t want that out of me. I know that you don’t want a wife who is shut down and is only going through the motions in our relationship. I know that we both want a good marriage.” And I knew that. I really knew that he loved me and wouldn’t want a shut-down wife — because as soon as I did start putting a wall up to protect myself, you could see his hurt.

  • I think it’s also important to say here that being vulnerable with our feelings shouldn’t mean that every single time we get our feelings hurt, we have to discuss it and be heard and understood.

There is definitely a beauty to “covering over sins” and “bearing with each other” – and so many of the things that women get hurt about aren’t even sin, it’s just a different way of operating. Wise to take our hurts immediately to the One who will never get tired of hearing our hearts, our hurts, etc. and ask Him what to do with them. Many, many times, just knowing He knows and understands is enough to help me move past it and not even have to bring it up to my husband at all.

A NEW WAY TO THINK ABOUT CONFRONTATION

Confrontation in my mind – before God teaching me all He has taught me in the last few years – was me trying desperately to hang on to and grasp control of our relationship and of my husband and being angry when I didn’t get the response I wanted and needed. Now, God is teaching me how to let go of the expectations of those conversations and so when I come to my husband with something, there is a peace and a security in me that even if my respectfully spoken words hurt him and even if he decides to be silent to me for days or whatever at a time, I will be okay. My security isn’t wrapped up in him any longer and my desire for love from him is balanced now that he’s not my idol. If he rejects me – even if he rejects me in an ultimate way….I will be okay. God had to take me to that place.

I wanted to say also that I couldn’t count the number of times that we’ve had conversations about the same issue in our marriage. It took numerous, painful conversations to get to where we are now. And, I know that we are still working through this. There will be more to come, I’m sure. For some reason, I knew that we weren’t meant to go get counseling together. We had a couple of sessions early on in the process and I just knew that God was blocking anything good from happening there. I don’t really know of another way to explain it than that. I could tell my husband was resentful of going and I felt like respecting him was letting go of that expectation of needing counseling in our marriage. I feel like every time I think we have to go to counseling, God reminds me that He is my Counselor and that if I trust His leading, He is enough. So, we have had the hard conversations on our own — without a human someone there overseeing and guiding us – but with the best Counselor overseeing and guiding us.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

(Some couples will need a godly, trusted, experienced counselor to help them with issues – and that is fine, too!)

When I talk about sharing our emotions, feelings, and thoughts on this blog – I am talking about sharing them after we examine our hearts for any sinful motives. We don’t want to just blast our husbands with thoughts that we should have taken captive for Christ. And if our emotions are not reliable at the time, we want to consider that prayerfully before we address anything or share anything. We can share our new self in Christ. But we do not want to share our old sinful nature freely. I hope that makes sense!

Also, if a husband is severely wounded spiritually/emotionally (or is in the middle of a state of rage or something really severe, or is not in his right mind) – we may not be able to share as much detail as we would with a husband who is more healthy emotionally and spiritually. He may need healing first before he is able to hear and absorb information about our pain or concerns. This all requires the wisdom and power of the Holy Spirit for us to know exactly what to share and what not to and when and how, etc…

RELATED:

The Frustrating Quiet Phase

To Speak or Not to Speak

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

The Pendulum Effect – being too dominating and controlling or too passive and shut down are both sinful distortions of godly femininity or godly masculinity

Posts on Conflict

Taking Our Thoughts Captive

Posts about Emotions

 

%d bloggers like this: