Why Won’t My Husband Just Love Me???

If you are a wife who is feeling lonely and unloved – I feel your pain VERY DEEPLY! I pursued my husband for 15 years in our marriage and wanted his love SO MUCH! I was lonely, frustrated, angry, and felt extremely unloved at times.

Most wives are in such horrible pain and we only see our own pain – not our husbands’ pain.  We don’t realize that often – he is just as wounded and injured as we are.  We don’t realize our own contribution to the mess and just want our husbands to be:

  • more loving
  • more plugged in
  • more kind
  • more romantic
  • more understanding
  • more sympathetic to their pain

It’s not that these desires are wrong necessarily.  The issue is when we put these desires above everything else in life.

Ideally – husbands would continue to love and pursue their wives even if we are messing things up a lot. But it would take a very Holy Spirit-filled man to react that way to a wife’s desperation/demands/hostility/control/disrespect.  Most men are NOT THERE.

God made wives to need love primarily.  God made husbands to need respect primarily.  When we are not getting what we legitimately need – we react by not meeting our spouse’s legitimate need.  THIS DOESN’T WORK!  SOMEONE has to start meeting the other person’s needs even if he/she isn’t getting his/her own needs met for a time.

Unfortunately – the way we wives usually react when we feel unloved is disrespectful. And when men feel disrespected their knee jerk reaction is unloving. So the crazy cycle begins (Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs).

THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE

God designed marriage with a very specific purpose (Ephesians 5:22-33) – to be a living demonstration of the relationship between Christ and His bride, the church.  Husbands are to play the part of Christ loving, providing, leading, being selfless and servant-hearted.  And wives are to represent the adoration, reverence, awe, devotion and submission of the church to Jesus.

Husbands are wired by God to need respect in the most profound ways in order to feel loving.  Wives are wired by God to need love deeply in order to feel respectful.

You can’t change your husband.  You can only change your relationship with Christ and your behavior.  You can’t make him love you.  You can only influence him in a godly way.  BUT that way is VERY powerful!

FOLLOWING YOUR HEART WILL MAKE THINGS WORSE!

To attract your husband – you have to do what works for HIM to feel attracted to you.  Giving him more and more love won’t help at all.  He doesn’t long for love the way you do.  He longs for respect, faith, admiration, trust, friendliness, your beautiful smile, and a sense that you actually LIKE him as a man and accept him as he is.

If you smother him with neediness and constant phone calls and texts and you try to demand his attention, change him or even worse – beg, cry, pout, whine, manipulate or try to force him to do what you want – HE WILL NOT DO IT. Those tactics repulse men.

Bob Grant (a marriage counselor and author) says, “No one likes to be told what to do.  But men REALLY don’t like to be told what to do.”

When we are resorting to those desperate methods to try to MAKE our men love us and MAKE them do what we want – we are actually committing idolatry. I did this FOR A LONG, LONG TIME. I didn’t see it. All I saw was, “He is unloving! He SHOULD do X, Y and Z for ME!” But I didn’t notice how I was hurting him. He never told me I was disrespectful and he never told me I hurt him. I assumed he had no feelings. And I was WRONG.

I HAD A FOREST IN MY OWN EYE

I was putting my desire to feel loved way above my desire for Christ. Any time I HAVE to have something other than Christ to be happy – that is idolatry. And there is no worse sin than that. I broke the first commandment (from the 10 commandments) all day long every day for many years – and I thought I was a great Christian.  But I was living in sin, so I didn’t have God’s power working full blast in me, and I didn’t have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness and self-control.  I had grieved God’s heart and His Spirit could not stay in fellowship with me with all that filth in my soul.  I didn’t lose my relationship with Him – but I lost connection with Him and His full power in my life

I didn’t see my pride. I really believed “I know better than my husband.” “I’m smarter than he is.” “I need to take over because he WON’T MAN UP.” And so I tried to control him and I treated him with disrespect. I criticized him daily. I lectured him. I ordered him around. I told him what to do and how to do it. I rolled my eyes at him. I raised my voice and used the angry mama scolding tone with him. I didn’t pay much attention to his feelings or what he thought was important or what he wanted. If he didn’t answer me within 5 seconds, I was ANGRY. I acted like I was better than him because I really thought I was. I had MOUNTAINS of pride.

When I finally saw it – I was mortified. I thought I was such a great wife – but I wasn’t. I wasn’t taking care of my husband’s legitimate and God-given need for respect. I didn’t even really know what respect or disrespect meant to a man! And I wasn’t allowing him to lead even though God designated him the leader in the marriage.

I was stressed out, lonely, angry, anxious, unforgiving, resentful, fearful and thought that I had to make things happen, that I was in charge – not God. That is how I lived – as if I were in God’s place and God barely existed.  That was all HUGE sin and the results of my sin and living in my own strength and wisdom were obvious.

FIRST THINGS FIRST

I had to learn to put Christ first. He has to be my Lord and my God. I have to be willing to sacrifice MY wants, MY will, MY way, MY rights, MY wisdom, MY needs and take on God’s will, His desires, His goals, His purpose, His plan and His wisdom. I had to REALLY, REALLY humble myself hundreds of notches and be contrite before God – seeing the depths of my sin – and seeing the heights of God’s holiness and that I fell miles and miles short of His standard. I had to really see how much sin debt I owed to Jesus – that I owed Him BILLIONS of $ for my sin, not just a few hundred bucks.

I had to learn to put Him first in every area of my life and hold nothing back from Him. I had to learn to obey His Word and seek His will.

It was only when I had Jesus in the right place in my heart and took my husband, my being in control and my feeling loved off the throne of my soul that God began to work powerfully in me and my marriage. He eventually gave me the desires of my heart – to feel loved by my husband again. BUT my motive had to be to please God not to try to make my husband love me.

WHAT WORKS

When my motives are right in God’s sight and I obey Him and respect my husband and cooperate with his leadership – THEN my husband is powerfully attracted to me and WANTS to love me again.

My humble attitude attracts my husband – the idea that he has valuable wisdom and insight that are important to our marriage and family is a necessary ingredient of respecting him!

I stepped down from control and allowed him to make decisions.  I tell him what I want and like and need (usually once) and then I let him make the ultimate decision and trust that God will use my husband to lead me to His will.  I don’t cooperate with sin – but everything else, I joyfully and cheerfully cooperate with my husband about.

When I seek God’s design for marriage and look at His commands for wives and am willing to obey them – God blesses me greatly in my walk with Him and my marriage!

I’M THANKFUL I COULDN’T MAKE MY HUSBAND LOVE ME NOW

I learned that it was actually a HUGE BLESSING that my husband refused to pursue me when I was idolizing him. If he had rewarded me by giving me what I wanted – he would have created a monster! What a blessing to have a man who will not be manipulated or coerced or forced into what we want. That is a sign of a strong leader who stands by his convictions.

I believe sometimes – but not always – wives might experiencing intense emotional pain and distress because they may have their husbands, or feelings of being loved or trying to be in control themselves as idols in their hearts. I pray you will examine your relationship with Christ and put Him in His proper place in your life and commit to do things His way. Then I think you will see miracles in time that will blow your mind.

I am here if you want to talk more! MUCH LOVE and BIG HUGS precious sisters!

Related articles

What is disrespectful  to men?

My Demon

A Wife’s Power in Marriage

If you have a very difficult husband, please check out Nina Roesner’s “Strength and Dignity” eCourse

If you are experiencing severe issues in your marriage, please contact the appropriate people for help – the police, a trusted, godly counselor, a doctor, a trusted pastor, etc… This post is not written for women who are experiencing abuse, whose husbands are involved in active addictions or uncontrolled mental illness or spiritual oppression/demon possession.

You Cannot Go on Feelings

 

From my dear friend and fellow traveler on this road of submitting completely to God and learning to respect and submit to our husbands. BEAUTIFUL post!

From www.hisworkofheart.wordpress.com

Waiting on the Lord

Today’s guest post is by Lindsey Watson at Runningincircles.   Thank you for sharing!  Praying for a healthy delivery and healthy mama and baby!

There are tons of verses in the Bible about waiting on the Lord.  I know, because I found them and “claimed” them all when I was single and worrying about my biological clock ticking away while God dilly-dallied around with bringing me Mr. Right, or even Mr. Remotely Interested.

I suspect I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way, because there’s lots of art for sale at LifeWay that illustrates these “waiting” verses, and “waiting” has been the subject of many popular Christian songs that have played on the radio over the past ten years.

We sang one of the many “waiting” songs at church on Sunday, and it got me thinking about this topic again.  I’m in those tedious, anxious final weeks of pregnancy, so it’s timely for me to take a closer look at what is true (and what isn’t) about what it means to wait on God and his timing.

1.  He’s not a fickle companion.

My least favorite of Christian Waiting Songs begins, “I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You/Will You come meet with me?”  It is completely opposite of everything that is true of God and of us to suggest that we show up and then invite him to join us.  It’s absurd to imagine that we’re ever the first to arrive at the restaurant, and that we’re sometimes left at the table wondering if God is going to stand us up like an inconsiderate blind date or that scatterbrained friend who forgot she said she’d meet you for lunch.

God is always, always the initiator and the faithful party in his relationship with us.  Moses didn’t “run” to the cleft of the mountain, God put him there.  The story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal reminds us that our God does not need to be summoned with shouting or holy displays, that he never turns off his phone to sleep or go to the bathroom.  He’s the constant, and we’re the ones who fail to draw near.

2.  Waiting is not wasting time.

Nothing is more frustrating than what feels like pointless waiting.  The other day I went to the wrong department of the hospital and sat for an hour before realizing that the tech I needed to see was down the hallway, wondering where I was.  Sometimes traffic crawls due to lane closures for “construction” even when there are no bulldozers or workers present.  I have to bite my tongue when someone gets to the front of the line at Starbucks without any idea what she wants to drink, and we all stand there while she sorts through her various options with the barista.

But God, being omnipresent, omniscient, and outside the confines of time, is an accomplished multitasker.  We’re never sidelined in a plastic chair while he attends to something more pressing.  If he has not given us something we’re “waiting for,” it’s because it’s not the right time for it yet.  From my perspective, these last six weeks of waiting for Baby feel pointless.  (Weren’t we “viable” two months ago? Six more weeks of fattening for both of us just seems indulgent.)  But I got to peek into the workshop again last week, to see all the little parts that God is knitting together, and I was reminded of how many little details are still coming together.  His little diaphragm is still learning how to breathe in and out.  His little bones are still hardening so he’ll be strong enough to push out of my body and then not get squished under his sister’s loving affections.  His organs are getting close to ready, but aren’t quite mature enough for independent functioning.

It’s easy to track this in hindsight, too.  I know now why God didn’t bring me “Mr. Right” when I was twenty and impatient.  Like the baby inside me, I still had some growing to do.  (And so did Mr. Right, for that matter.)   Why hasn’t God given a baby to our friends who struggle with infertility?  Why doesn’t he send rain to Africa?  Why hasn’t Jesus just come back already to set it all right?

The Bible reminds us that when we perceive that God is being slow to fulfill his promises, the truth is that he is simply working in ways that we do not yet see or understand.  What looks to us like carelessness or tarrying is actually his patience, his wisdom, the fact that circumstances are more complicated than we realize.  We have not been been forgotten or set on the back burner: we…and others…and even creation are being prepared for what lies before us when the time is exactly right.

3.  Waiting is not Idleness.

As I wait for this baby to arrive, I’m passing the time with some serious nesting.  I’m stocking away meals in the freezer.  I’m cleaning out closets, vacuuming behind the AC vents, taking unused clutter to Goodwill, organizing our digital photos and movies.  I’m also trying to take every opportunity to listen to Abby’s stories, linger over Play-Doh, snuggle in the big chair as we watch Dora.  In other words, there’s plenty to do in this season of “waiting” that I won’t be able to do when the time is up.

When I was in high school, I frequently heard the song “Closing Time” on the radio that reminded me that “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  And while it’s a deep thought for a song about having to leave a bar at the end of the night, it’s true none the less.  So however exciting the beginning is that we anticipate, it also means the loss of certain opportunities.  So whether I’m waiting for the doctor to arrive at my exam room, for the onset of labor pains, for Jesus to appear in the clouds, my challenge is to wait purposefully, thoughtfully, productively, expectantly.

Because at some point, the waiting will be over, and when it is, I want to be ready.

A Wife's Before and After

I heard from a wife this week… and I am thrilled that she is willing to tell her story.  I think that her “before problems” are where most wives are in their marriages.  And I can’t wait for you to see what God is doing in this precious wife’s soul and in her marriage!  THANK YOU to the wife who is willing to allow me to share her story!

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In the past year God has been teaching me so many of the things you mention in your posts.

I have been having little light bulbs go off here and there and it had all started  to come together lately thanks to your blog.

THE “PROBLEMS” WE USED TO HAVE IN OUR MARRIAGE

Should I submit to my husband’s leadership on things such as:
– Should my husband spend at least 30 mins of quiet time with God each morning (so that he can know how to lead our home?)
– Should we have a formal couples’ worship time – ideally every night or at least once a week?
– Should my husband be more active in church? Ideally in a ‘couple ministry’ scenario?
– Do we eat dinner in front of the tv or at the table?
– Do we attend every single church meeting/bible study on offer in our surrounding area?
– Do we invite EVERY single visitor to our house when we notice them at church?
– Do we really have to have a formal ‘date’ every week?
– Is Star Trek allowed to be played on our home tv
– Should we have pay tv (cos oh dear, if we do my husband will probably ONLY want to watch sports all day every day – since that is what we wants to do every time we stay at a hotel)
– Is my husband allowed to listen to sports on the radio as he knows I don’t like sports, and oh dear if we have kids he might also subject them to this!
– Do we both have to go to bed together at the exact same time EVERY night, cos  if we (don’t) do  it once or twice it might become a habit and then we will become one of those couples who sleep in separate bedrooms! And who KNOWS what he will watch after I go to sleep – ooooh!
-Do I help my husband in small ways in his business even thou I have my own career? If I start down this path he may overload me with so much work I will never be able to handle it!
-Do I demand that we adopt children (since I have always wanted to) and also we are struggling with infertility (been trying for 2 years) or do I wait on God to change BOTH our hearts if he wants us to go that way?

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Above I have in a nutshell outlined ALL  the things that I perceived to be SINS in my husbands life over the past 7 years of our marriage. Although I now realize that part of the reason I was so controlling and fearful was that it actually took me this long to REALLY trust my husband because of some of the baggage he carried into our marriage, I now finally realize that pretty much ALL our arguments and problems were MY fault. I was disrespectful and controlling beyond measure. I can’t believe how patient he was all these years.

A NEW WIFE AND THE BEGINNING OF A NEW MARRIAGE

Since I have stepped out of the ‘control headquarters’ of our marriage these are the results:

– After YEARS of nagging him about why he doesn’t do private worship more regularly – the minute I stopped being controlling he just started doing private worship every morning and has never stopped! He does this more regularly than me now. Sometimes its 30 mins sometimes 5. Sometimes he just sings praise songs sometimes he studies a particular topic. He NEVER badgers me or treats me the way I used to treat him when I had more worship time than him.
– He now starts Sabbath in our home every Friday night (we are Seventh Day Adventists) without any prompting/cajoling from me. He gets the Bible, reads from it and picks a song for us to sing. He talks about God every day with me and feels like he has encounters every day when God takes care of him at work in different ways.
– To my shock, he accepted a leadership role at church – we work closely together and we also lead our in church together sometimes  (the difference was this time I didn’t guilt him or try to make him take on these roles I just asked and he prayed then accepted them!). He also takes the Bible study at church every few months.
– Yes, most nights my husband eats his dinner in front of the tv – but instead of making a huge issue out of it now I just let it be. He works super hard each day and I don’t eat dinner anyway but have a protein shake after gym so it works for us at the moment. Whether other people would feel this is normal or healthy doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s what works for us and after dinner we always cuddle on the couch. If I even try to sneak away to my room to do my own thing occasionally he STRONGLY protests now. This is how we hang in the evenings and I LIKE it.
– We do NOT attend EVERY single Bible study/meeting in addition to ordinary church. Even though I personally would (like to) my husband recognizes the need to also rest on Sabbath and have family time. I don’t just go on my own because I found when I did I would just feel resentful that my husband didn’t come and it took away from our time together.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I am SO PROUD of this wife and of all that God is doing in her heart! She sees that she was being controlling and disrespectful and she humbly allowed God to change her.  She has so many of the same issues I used to have!  It’s uncanny!  But look what happened when she took her hands off of her husband’s throat and let him lead and hear God’s voice without her voice overshadowing God’s anymore.  God’s ways are truly higher and better than our ways!  

There is no power in our disrespect, contempt and control.  Our power is in our godly femininity – our faith, our admiration, our genuine respect, our cooperation, our appreciation, our acknowledging our husbands’ wisdom, our support of their leadership and our trust in Christ.

It is only when I can accept my husband exactly as he is and not want to change him, and when I am obeying God and living in His Spirit’s power that God will change my husband!  But first – He changes ME!

New Temptations

Many of the old temptations I used to have are really not temptations at all anymore.  I LOVE that!  This is GREAT news, ladies!

I have ZERO desire to say hateful things to my husband, to criticize him, lecture him, boss him around, complain, argue, disrespect him or try to control him anymore.   In fact, I almost never even THINK that stuff anymore.  God has changed me profoundly.  And those were VERY strong temptations at the beginning of this journey.  Now, you could not pay me to say some of the things I used to say to him.  I know exactly the damage I would be causing, and I just can’t do that anymore – PRAISE GOD!

You know how when you are starting to learn respect and submission, saying admiring things and praising your husband feels like speaking a foreign language and feels awkward?  Well, now, saying the awful old things feels awkward, foreign and icky.  I hope that will be very encouraging news to those of you beginning your journey!  God can and will change and renew your mind and heart.

But temptations do not end.  We are still human and still on this earth.  I am still a wretched sinner in total need of Christ every moment.

Now, there are still temptations, some old ones, and some new ones (this comes with the territory of the later stages of this journey):

  • There are still temptations to commit idolatry.  It could be easy to make rituals idols, or even respect an idol, or ministry an idol – almost anything could become an idol!  My heart is an idol factory – and I have to CONSTANTLY be on guard for idols.  I have a rebellious, stubborn, wandering heart.  I pray that God will bind me to Himself!
  • There are still temptations to do other things and put off spending time with God – especially when the schedule is very busy.  Not a good thing to do!  I MUST have that time with Him, or I am worthless to my family and everyone else!
  • There are still temptations to have impure motives.  The difference now is that I can recognize them much more quickly.  I have to CONSTANTLY ask God to check my motives and purify my motives to be sure that what I am doing is for the right reasons.  Every thought still must be captured for Christ!  That battle never goes away.  Am I doing this for my glory, to make myself look good?  Why do I really want to do this thing?  Or am I doing it purely for the glory of God?  The human heart is wicked and deceitful above all things.  I can easily deceive myself.  I need God’s Word and His Spirit to constantly search my soul for sin with that intense spotlight of God.
  • I must still be sure I am holding nothing back from Jesus daily.  I have to examine my heart. Is there something that I want to say, “You can have everything, Jesus – except for THAT!”  I have to be sure that I am fully surrendered and yielded to Him and His will.
  • I must still die to self daily.  And I must still be prepared for those moments when self suddenly tries to come down off the cross.  I’ve got to have the hammer and nails ready!  Not my will, but Yours, be done, Lord!
  • There is still the temptation to run ahead of God – with writing posts, wanting to write a book, wanting to see things happen for others or in my family.  Thankfully, God’s Spirit usually reminds me QUICKLY to stop and wait now.  And I don’t view waiting with the loathing I used to!  I want to learn every single lesson along the way.  The waiting is the most important part!  That is where my faith is often tested.
  • There is temptation for me to think I am too important here.   Pride can set in easily.  I have to always be vigilant about that.  God is what people need, not me.  God is the necessary ingredient here – and His power.  I am just a jar of clay for Him to pour through.  I am not the essential one.  And if God decides to – He can remove me from the picture, and His purposes and plans will still carry on just fine without me.
  • It is tempting for me to think if I just explain the “right way” enough – women will understand all of this stuff.  Sometimes I have to let women go.  I cannot be God’s Spirit.  I can’t open people’s eyes.  I can present the truth, but I can’t control when and how and where people will see it.  I have to present and then allow God’s Spirit space and time to do His job.  I can’t force anyone to understand and learn when they are not ready.  Some women have heard me out, and then chose to rebel against God and His Word.  And I had to let them go.  That is REALLY hard.  It is tempting to try to cling and make them go God’s way.  But that is not my place!   I prayed for them daily.  But you know what?  God has brought many of them back to Himself!  Not me.  I didn’t do it.  But He has done this.  What a mighty God we serve!  He is so very good, all the time.  Regardless of circumstances.
  • It is a temptation for me to take on the weight of other people’s problems.  I used to do that.  But, thankfully, now, God has shown me how to lay the burdens down at His feet and not carry any of the weight.   I am really glad for that!  All that weight would crush me.  So, I don’t carry it, I trust God to do that.  But it is a temptation, and I must guard against it.
  • There is a temptation to miss opportunities God is giving me.   I don’t want to ignore or miss ONE!
  • If someone treats my husband with disrespect, it is REALLY, REALLY tough for me to sit quietly and not say something.  I have spent 4 years now learning to respect this man and honor his leadership – and it completely eats me up if someone else is disrespectful to him or tries to control him.  I get UPSET.  I want to step in and rescue him.  I actually emailed Laura Doyle (“The Surrendered Wife”) about this issue a few years ago, and she had very wise advice for me.  She said, “the respectful thing to do here is to trust him to handle his own relationships and his business without your interference.”  Well, that makes sense!  How come I couldn’t have come up with that!?!?  So now, I remain quiet and trust him to take care of himself in his relationships and dealings with people.
  • If I see a wife disrespecting her husband, trying to control him and treating him like he is an idiot – WOW! – I have a HARD time witnessing that and not intervening.  But I know it would be disrespectful and ineffective for me to rush over and try to tell a wife what to do.  I would probably get slapped – or shot.  So I haven’t intervened so far!  It is definitely not my place AT ALL to be the respect and submission police.  That is the Holy Spirit’s job.  I am not the Holy Spirit.  But still, it is a HUGE temptation for me to interject myself when I see women being disrespectful, condescending, negative and controlling with their men.  Thoughts definitely enter my mind!  I want them to find the intimacy, joy and peace God has shown me.  And it is excruciating to see the pain those husbands are in!  But I have to be patient and allow God to work in His time.  I can’t just go around trying to force wives to learn about God’s design.  I need to only work with the women God brings to me who are ready to learn and ready and able to hear.
  • I cannot stand to hear women bashing their husbands/boyfriends/ex-husbands.  That makes me want to run screaming out of the building.  It is like nails scratching a blackboard to me now.  It is shear torture!  I seriously have to bite my lips – and hopefully find something very engaging to read or do if I must be in the same vicinity and can’t leave and it is not appropriate for me to address the situation.  Oh, I hate hearing that stuff  SO MUCH!
  • Issues with other men – The more I understand about the power of respect, submission, godly femininity, godly masculinity and God’s design for marriage – there are new temptations.  With all this knowledge comes a lot of scary power.  Now that I can see the masculine perspective and point of view, and I can see how disrespectfully some husbands are being treated – I have to be REALLY, REALLY careful.   I have a lot of empathy for men.  Now – I know what men need.  I know what they want.  I know what they like and how they perceive the world.  This whole new world of manliness has opened up for me and it is an amazing and wondrous place!  I appreciate men’s wisdom and masculinity as being a reflection of Christ.  I know how to meet their needs now.  I know the power of respect, godly femininity, a peaceful and gentle spirit that does not give way to fear, admiration and praise.  I know what men could become if their wives give them respect, honor, faith, trust, encouragement and praise.  And that really helps me to be able to teach this powerful stuff to other women and to translate husbands’ words and actions for wives.  It is a HUGE blessing!  But I have to be extremely careful not to see a man who is starving for respect and think that I can meet that need.  I mean – I COULD meet that need.  But then what a MASSIVE MESS that would be.   I can be respectful, of course – to a point – with everyone (men and women).  But I have to only give teeny, tiny doses of respect and be extremely aware that I can’t apply the respect/admiration skills full force on any other men. I can only do that for my husband.  THAT IS IT.  I have to hold WAY, WAY back with other men.  This respect and admiration stuff is like having super powers with men.  And it  is some seriously dangerous ground.
  • Persecution – When a woman stands for the truth of God and His design for marriage – lots of people, women especially, cannot tolerate her stand for Christ.  There is persecution.  So far – it is very mild.  Just words.  It’s not a bad thing – it is actually a good sign that people are treating me in some small way like Jesus was treated – with contempt and ridicule.  Jesus says we are blessed when we suffer on His account.  But I long so much to honor God with my response – to know what to say and if to say something and when to say it. There are temptations not to forgive – that is why I need the Spirit of Christ to be in control NOT me!   So I must constantly check my heart for unforgiveness or any tiny root of bitterness and get rid of it immediately!  I long to see these people come to know Jesus and have His peace, joy and eternal life with Him forever!
  • This will shock you, I know.  I am frequently tempted to spend too long BLOGGING, working on my book and emailing people.  I LOVE blogging and ministering to wives and am not particularly great at moderation sometimes.  So finding balance with all of my priorities can be tricky for me.   Thankfully, my husband has lovingly given me a curfew of 10:00pm on the computer so that I will stop and spend time with HIM from 10:00-12:00 and that has been the best thing ever!

Please pray for me as I minister, for my marriage, my children, wisdom and God’s Spirit to have full control as I write and for God to keep me from sin and temptation by His power for His greatest glory!  Satan would love to take me down.  I am a target.  So are you!  Let’s pray for one another and build each other up!

My Personal Convictions about Dealing with other Men:

My personal convictions:
– I don’t EVER want to be alone with another man in a room/building.
– I don’t ride alone in a car with another man.
– I don’t have private phone conversations/email conversations/texting/FB messages with another man
– my husband has full and total access to all of my text messages, my FB messages, my internet history. I am completely transparent.
– I tell my husband immediately if I notice temptation so that I stay accountable to him.
– I tell my godly girl friends/prayer partners or my twin sister about tempting feelings or even the possibility of tempting feelings.
– If I notice possible temptation, I try to break contact with that man completely.
– I pray that God would take me out of this world before I would fall and disgrace Him, my marriage and my family by getting ensnared in adultery.
– If possible, I much prefer not to work with men at all.

To me – I have a constant sense that other men could be poison. I try to keep a very clear distance.

Blogging creates some new challenges.  So I am constantly in prayer and talking with my husband and godly girlfriends to see if I need to add additional accountability measures.

God is Changing this Husband through His Wife's Submission to Christ!

This is an email from a dear wife who needs to have surgery for a potentially life-threatening condition.  But her husband was hesitating about paying for the surgery.  I LOVE seeing what God does when we leave room for Him to speak to our husbands!  This is so much better than anything this wife could have forced her man to do!

You would not believe what happened last night, when my husband got home from working late.

He came in with what looked like tears in his eyes, and very quietly asked if I could come sit with him for a moment. I followed him to the couch where he took my hand, and he prayed. He thanked God for me as his wife, and asked God to show us what He has in store for us, trusting in God’s provision, and he asked forgiveness for “coming across unloving” to his wife. Then when he was done he asked for my forgiveness.

At this point I was already bawling, lol.

He said “I don’t know what the future holds for us, I don’t know how we are going to get from point A to point B and point C. But I know that I want you on my team, I want us to be a team and work together, and I think God is going to do something amazing.

He said that he had a rotten day at work because all he could think about was that his girl thought he wanted a vehicle more than he wanted her. He said that no car is as important to him, and that he wants us to work on coming up with a plan together, that he is willing to look at financing the car, and paying for surgery outright. He said he wants to talk with my PCP with me again, and asked me to make an appointment, so I am going to do that today.

Well, what can a girl possibly say to that? Other than to fall in his arms? The day started pretty rough, and it was rough in the middle, but it ended really, really well!

I asked him what happened at work today, because he was a different person coming home than when he left.  He said it just weighed on his mind all day, the conversation we had had. I know that must have been God, able to get through to him when I wasn’t all up in his grill like I used to be, because a year ago it would have been a very different conversation, on both sides!

By the end of the night as we cuddled, he laughed and said “Boy I am sure glad we have learned how to fight fair!”, meaning, how to stop the crazy cycle.

I don’t know how it will all work out, but I can easily and cheerfully submit to such a wonderful husband. I know God calls me to submit to even a difficult, mean husband, but thankfully that is not at all what I have.

Thank you for your prayers! My prayers generally don’t work that fast, lol. I hear you loud and clear that he needs respect, especially in the area’s of being the provider/money manager. I am going to be thinking about how to better express that to him, in ways that he needs to hear it. I have a lot more respect and admiration for someone who makes less money, but is investing his time into his family, his children, his church, his friends, and his community. I need to make sure he hears that early and often.

What Does God Say about Me?

Let’s just look at Romans through chapter 8.  There are obviously thousands of other promises and things that God says about us in the Bible.  But here are some of the most basic and foundational tenets of Scripture upon which we may build our lives, hope and faith with confidence.  It is time to tear out all that is ungodly in our thinking and build on the foundation of Christ and His Word alone.  HERE is my hope!  THIS is my identity!  THIS is my strength!  HERE is my power and purpose in life!

  • I am a sinner in desperate need of the gift of Christ.  I cannot earn favor with God.  I can’t be good enough.  My efforts at being good are THOUSANDS OF MILES off target.  There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one.  Romans 3:11-12  For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Romans 3:23
  • God is interested in my FAITH in what Jesus did for me.  His work on the cross for me and His resurrection (and my receiving His gift) is the only thing that makes me right with Him.  When a man works, his wages are not credited to him as a gift, but as an obligation.  However, to the man who does not work but trusts God who justifies the wicked, his faith is credited as righteousness.  Romans 4:4-5
  • Jesus paid my sin debt in full.  I owed Him infinitely more than I could never pay.  The words, “it was credited to him (Abraham)” were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness – for us who believe in Him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.  He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification.  Romans 4:23-25
  • I have peace with God!  I have access to grace!  ME!?!?!?!?!  Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand.  Romans 5:1-2
  • When I hated God, Jesus died for me.  How much more will He do for me now that I love and serve Him as Lord!?!?   For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to Him through the death of His Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through His life?  Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have received reconciliation (with God).  Romans 5:10-11
  • Jesus alone has the power to make me right with God.  I can trust Him.  He is God, He is not a man that He should lie.  When God is satisfied with what Jesus did on my behalf, who on earth am I to question if Jesus’ blood was adequate to cover my sin?  Am I above God?  For just as through the disobedience of the one man (Adam) the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man (Jesus) the many will  be made righteous.  Romans 5:19
  • I am dead to sin when I am living for Christ and trusting Him for my salvation.  We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?  Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into His death?  Romans 6:2-3  Count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.  Romans 6:11
  • I am not a slave to sin anymore.  I am a slave to righteousness!  I am FREE from the power of sin and death!  He is my Master.   Our old self was crucified with Him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin – because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.  Romans 6:6-7   Sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace.  Romans 6:14   You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness.  Romans 6:18
  • God desires me to live for Him and bear fruit for Him, fruit that will last.  God has beautiful purposes for me – to bring Him great glory and praise!  So, my brothers, you also died to the law through the body of Christ, that you might belong to Another, to Him Who was raised from the dead, in order that we might bear fruit to God.
  • I am not condemned by God!  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law (salvation by my own efforts) was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering.  And so He condemned sin in sinful man, in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.  Romans 8:1-4
  • I can have supernatural life and peace!  Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God.  It does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so.  Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God.  You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature, but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you.  And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ.  Romans 8:5-9
  • I am a daughter of the King of kings and Lord of lords!  I have no reason to fear! I am a co-heir with Christ!  For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship.  And by Him we cry, “Abba, (Daddy).” … Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ.  Romans 8:15-17
  • There are great rewards coming in heaven for me that will make the suffering of this life look like nothing!  I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  Romans 8:18
  • I am not in this alone, I have a strong Helper.    The Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express…. the Spirit intercedes for the saints (those who love Christ) in accordance with God’s will.  Romans 8:26-27
  • I cannot lose!  I will be victorious regardless of past, current or future circumstances or suffering!  God purposes to make me be more and more like Christ.  God knew me from the beginning of time.  He called me by name.  He made me right with Himself through Jesus.  He will glorify me one day in heaven.  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of His Son… and those He predestined, He also called; and those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.  What, then, shall we say in response to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He Who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all – how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?  Romans 8:28-32
  • I am accepted.  I will never be abandoned.  I am safe and secure in my Lord’s love!  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?… No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:35,37-39

A Peacefulwife VIDEO!

 

My Old Ways vs. My New Ways.

For those of you who have missed out on my Facebook videos – here is a brand new one – my first on my blog!  WOOHOO!

You are welcome to comment or ask questions on the post.

My Demon.

From Peacefulwife:

I am SOOOOO proud of this precious wife who is absorbing God’s Word and truth like a sponge and striving to obey Him and learn to respect her husband in ways that actually meet his deepest masculine needs.  She is learning so much!  God is truly at work in her heart and it is a beautiful thing to watch – even from over the internet! 🙂  I wanted her to share this post with all of my readers because I believe wives NEED to hear this.  This wife’s description of her “demon” is DEAD ON.  I wonder if husbands know about this stuff?

PS – I have my FIRST Peacefulwife VIDEO up on the Peacefulwife Blog Facebook Page today.  Check it out!  

I started the blog Lessons of Mercy as an accountability to myself, but also to those out there who have found themselves at a place where they see things in their life that need to be transformed into Christ-likeness, however, need a practical way to take the first steps.

Let me tell you a story about Wednesday night.  I really debated writing about this, because my husband reads my blog, however, I’m going to ask him to skip this one because I think the women reading this blog, need to hear about Wednesday night.

I’ve already posted on the this blog about discovering some major disrespect for my husband.  The kind that doesn’t even appear like disrespect in the world we live in today, that seems completely justified, and is so intertwined in my every day life that it’ll be like lifting boulders 100 times my own weight to remove these nasty habits. Yeah, that kind of disrespect.

Wednesday was just an ordinary day until my husband got home from work.  We haven’t been sleeping very well, and he’s been tired.  So he sat down in the chair and turned on the TV while I started fixing supper.

((There is too much back story about the TV “issue” to tell you everything but I will say that I do not have a TV addiction. I actually almost hate the TV.  I never watch it unless he is watching it. Though I have learned to enjoy a couple of the shows. We went 1 1/2 years without any television at all, and recently fixed our antenna so we get all the local channels, which is quite a few more than our parents use to get, but we still don’t have satellite or cable. Even with the absence of TV, we did not take complete advantage according to *me* for what we could do with our time as a family, which tends to make me resentful toward my husband, and with it available in our home again, it is quickly escalating in more time being on and watched than I personally care for it to be on.))

One little thing like the TV being on, quickly invites my demon (yes, I believe everyone has a demon that studies them and tempts them constantly) into a conversation with me.  He says “you’re headed right back to the life where you only speak to your husband on commercials.  Even re-runs are more important than you and the kids.”

I know my Savior. And I can feel the Holy Spirit move.  However, I don’t hear from God like I hear from my demon.  I can pray and spend time in silence after begging God to speak, and feel like after a day of fasting, I still am clueless what God is saying to me, or if He is speaking at all.  But the very moment something pulls on my frustrations, fears, insecurities, or weaknesses, I can hear so vividly and clearly the voice of my demon and am able to carry on long detailed conversations in good or bad directions.

On Wednesday when my demon started talking to me, I spoke back.  But not in my normal fashion.  I said “Get behind me Satan.  I’m not going down this road anymore.”

My husband left to go play guitar.  He’s been doing this once a week after the kids go to bed and I LOVE it!  It gets him out of the house, the chance to play and grow in his talent, and me plenty of time to play around on the computer, crochet or do anything I want without the guilt of ignoring him or the kids.

When my husband left, my demon started talking to me again.  “He was tired tonight, but he has enough energy to go play guitar and stay out til midnight?”

For 11 years, I have taken the bait and spun totally out of control.  I’d spend HOURS at a time ripping my husband to shreds to myself because I let my demon control where the conversation went. But in the last month, God is teaching me things and exposing my sins in grave detail in a way I’ve been so blinded to in the past.

I took those temptations to rip my husband apart and I purposely did the opposite.  I sent him a text thanking him for folding the clothes.  How could I almost have missed that he did that for me?  Remember, it’s because I was being coached to be mad about the TV being on?

I spent time praying for him and thinking about how much we’ve grown in our marriage.

When he got home, I had just headed to bed,  which I don’t normally do.  I am always up waiting for him to get home.  But like I said, we haven’t been sleeping well and I was really tired.  (Which also could have been from such spiritual warfare going on in my heart.)

When he came to bed, he turned on the TV.  I know I know, the stinking TV is like the center of my Wednesday!!  See, we’ve fought quite a few times, jokingly and in some very heated and hurtful conversations about the TV at night.  I like total darkness and complete silence.  He likes the TV being on.

I bet you know what happened.  My demon whispered so tenderly to my ears it practically gave me chills down my neck.  “How come for 11 years he is the one who always gets to go to bed the way he prefers?  Why did he automatically decide *you* have to learn to go to sleep with the TV on?  Why can’t he learn to go to sleep with it off?”

I was so afraid of what I was about to do next that I kissed my husband on the cheek, said “I love you” and then told him I was going to go ahead and sleep on the couch.  When he asked why, I just said as respectfully as I could, “I can’t sleep in here tonight.”

I had to remove myself.  Do you have any idea how many times we’ve fought while trying to go to bed because I’ve had hours of husband bashing sessions with my demon and then I take the opportunity to slay him apart to his face for how awful he is, how bad he messes up, how much he hurts me and every other thing I’m TOTALLY justified and entitled to say?

I laid down on the couch and quickly heard “Why isn’t he out here?  He knows the TV is bugging you, why isn’t he saying you should jump back in bed and he’ll sleep on the couch? Oh yeah, and don’t forget about this…. even though you told him you really need it, he still isn’t praying with you.”  Ouch.  The most tender point of devastation and he HAD to go there.  I tell you what, my demon knows me SO well.  The TV has NOTHING to do with praying together, and he brought it up as a last resort to get me to walk back in that room and destroy our intimacy, respect, trust and unity in our marriage.

I prayed and I told my demon that I have so much sin of my own and I am called to respect my husband no matter what I *think or feel* in any given moment.  I purposefully for the VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE took my thoughts captive, stopped the demon from talking to me, and went to sleep.

I woke up so relieved!!  I didn’t say a bunch of really mean or hurtful things I couldn’t take back.  I kept the TV in perspective and didn’t allow that to be the standard by which I measure him as a husband and father.  I took my thoughts captive and spoke truth over the lies.

I can do this with the help the Holy Spirit is providing.  These boulders can be moved and these habits can be changed.

There are two main reasons why I am finally finding freedom and success.  And they have NOTHING to do with who my husband is, how he acts, or how he treats me. (Because ladies, I got a REALLY good one.  Bragging for another post : )

The first thing I’m really understanding for the first time in my life is that I have thought for 11 years that I’m better than my husband.  It comes out in a few different ways but mostly in the attitude that he sins more than me, and worse than me.  I’ve undoubtedly entertained this lie intimately with thoughts, actions and words that say “I would never have a TV addiction.”  “I’m so much better than him because I’d never do _______.”  “If he was really walking with the Lord he would do xyz.”

Hello pride.  No, I don’t have a TV addiction.  But I have an internet addiction.  No, I wouldn’t ever do _____ but I have spent multiple conversations “gossiping” to my friends.  No, he isn’t doing xyz right now, but I don’t do ALL KINDS of commands in scripture.   It’s disgusting how blind I’ve been to my own sin and how much pride has taken residence in my marriage.

And secondly, I will answer for my actions as a wife.  And God is not going to accept from me “Well, he did this or that.”  My sins will have no justification. And if I really love the Lord and want to serve Him in obedience, I can’t keep looking at someone elses actions and let that decide how I react to the commands my Savior has given me.  I have resolved in my heart that I want to live by the authority of God’s Word, not because of what I have or don’t have but because I have the opportunity to be obedient and give my life in service to become as christ-like as I can this side of eternity.

The Holy Spirit will empower me to live my life with purpose IF I choose to participate.  My only other option is to live my life in reaction to the way other people act by default. That really leaves me trapped and defensive. Feelings I’m definitely no stranger to, but have never been happy to claim as my identity.

Practical Application:

Stop having conversations with my demon.

Take my thoughts captive.

Meditate on the two truths I’m learning from above.

Own freedom.

Live with purpose.

Bring God glory by being obedient to the call on my life no matter if others are doing the same or not.

Respect my husband. Always. In ALL ways.

I had this same LOUD voice in my head all the time – every waking moment – that was constantly accusing my husband of evil – evil motives, evil desires, evil intentions towards me.  I trusted that voice.  I thought that was normal. Turns out the voice was WRONG.  I was greatly deceived.  Learning to respect our husbands involves silencing the demon and our sinful nature.  It means staying on top of sin and repenting for ever single thing that has the slightest offense in God’s sight.  And it means being empowered by God’s Spirit to do what we can’t do on our own.  This is a process.  I am so thankful for this peek into a wife’s thinking and into her heart.  What she is describing is the battle to slay sin and crucify ourselves so that we can live for Christ – it’s part of learning.  She does a FANTASTIC job describing this stage of the journey.  Thank you SO MUCH, Lessonsofmercy, for sharing this powerful piece with us! (PS – my demon had used ALL of those exact same lines on me for 15.5 years.  WORD FOR WORD!  The tv, the praying, everything.  He still tries it on me sometimes – but I cling to Christ and my husband and don’t listen to the accuser anymore!)

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

PLEASE check out the post my husband wrote in response to this “The Voice in His Head”.

SOMETHING TO CAREFULLY CONSIDER:

Demons are real according to the Bible and they are extremely powerful. It is dangerous to try to have conversations with them. God is much more powerful than demons are, but we are not. Here is what Scripture has to say about some false teachers and the casual way they spoke of demons:

Bold and arrogant, they are not afraid to heap abuse on celestial beings; 11 yet even angels, although they are stronger and more powerful, do not heap abuse on such beings when bringing judgment on them from the Lord. 12 But these people blaspheme in matters they do not understand. They are like unreasoning animals, creatures of instinct, born only to be caught and destroyed, and like animals they too will perish. II Peter 2

8In the very same way, on the strength of their dreams these ungodly people pollute their own bodies, reject authority and heap abuse on celestial beings. 9But even the archangel Michael, when he was disputing with the devil about the body of Moses, did not himself dare to condemn him for slander but said, “The Lord rebuke you!” 10Yet these people slander whatever they do not understand, and the very things they do understand by instinct—as irrational animals do—will destroy them. Jude

What Is Disrespect in Marriage?

UPDATED 6/24/2016

I am going to share about things that cause men to feel disrespected by their wives. (Many of these things would feel very disrespectful to wives, as well.) Every man has his own list of what feels disrespectful and respectful to him.  Some things are almost universally one way or the other to almost all men.  Some things are particular to your husband.  So – what matters most is what is respectful and disrespectful to YOUR man. That’s why it is important to ask him about his preferences and what bothers him and what speaks respect to him.  When things are not tense – you could ask him about some of the things on this list and get his take on the different items.  I wouldn’t ask him about all of them at once – but maybe ask about a few at a time every few days or so and REALLY pay attention to his answers.  Maybe print this out and check the ones that bother him so that you don’t forget.  You’ll need to custom-tailor your respect to your husband for best results!

Keep in mind, too, that a lot of the things that really feel disrespectful to our men are things God labels as sin. Sin is destructive, even if we think it is a “small thing.” Ultimately, the greatest goal is to please Christ and to bless our husbands. We have so much power to destroy our husbands or to build them up.  How I pray God will convict us and open our eyes and that we might learn to be respectful, cooperative wives who value our husbands’ leadership and who honor Christ with every thought, attitude, word and action!

Some of these things will seem like small things because we have been desensitized to disrespect in our culture. Disrespect for men is mainstream now. But just because this is how all of the other women at work or even at church act – that doesn’t mean that is how God desires us to act. The way I treat others is about my character and whether God’s Spirit is in charge of my heart and life or my flesh is in charge. And honestly, most of the things on this list of sin in one way or another – either with our attitudes, motives, words, or actions. As believers in Christ, we are called to live in holiness – not for our spouses, but to please God. And He gives us the power we need to live in victory over sin and in obedience to Him in Christ.

NOTE – I am not writing this post for wives whose husbands have severe issues like major uncontrolled mental health problems, is involved in an active addiction, is truly abusive to you or your children, or is involved in unrepentant infidelity. If you have really serious issues in your marriage, please seek godly, one-on-one, appropriate counsel from someone you can trust.

A GENERAL LIST OF THINGS THAT TEND TO FEEL DISRESPECTFUL TO HUSBANDS/MEN:

– constantly questioning him
– having a critical/judgmental spirit toward him about many things
– acting like he can’t handle his life and responsibilities
– treating him like a child
– using an “angry mama” tone of voice
– scolding him
– frowning a lot
– lots of negative emotions almost all the time
– making demands
– giving directives (bossing him around) rather than polite requests or suggestions “You should,” “You better,” “You need to…”
– freaking out rather than trusting God and trusting him (whenever possible – men tend to respond much better to our trust than to our worry or fear)
unhealthy boundaries where we try to be responsible for things for which they are actually responsible (their spiritual choices, their emotions, their decisions) or we try to make them responsible for things for which we are actually responsible
– humiliating him, especially in front of other people
– being very negative about him in private, but especially in public
– biting sarcasm that is meant to cut him down
– using our words to destroy
– bringing up things from the past that were supposedly forgiven
– keeping a record of every wrong thing he has ever done or said
– attempting to be his conscience or his Holy Spirit
– telling other people negative things about him (If we really have a problem, we should go to God first and then to our husbands. If they are involved in serious unrepentant sin, we may have to involve a trusted counselor, mentor, or pastor. But this stuff doesn’t generally need to be shared with our coworkers, family, friends, church members, neighbors, or Facebook friends.)
complaining
– arguing rather than respectfully discussing
– forcing a very important conversation when he is not ready yet and still needs a bit of time (minutes, hours, maybe days) to process his thoughts or strong emotions
– leaving the room in anger
– criticizing him to the kids
– rolling my eyes
– sighing in exasperation
– undermining his authority to the children
– jumping in to help him when he didn’t ask for help
– giving unsolicited advice
– pride/self-righteousness – looking down on him, thinking I am so much more spiritual than he is
– labeling his sin/temptations as much worse than my sin/temptations
– bitterness
– insulting him
– playing the martyr
– trying to put him on a guilt trip
– manipulation
– refusing to believe him when he is actually trustworthy
– making plans without checking with him (especially big plans)
– spending a lot more money than you had both agreed to, blowing the budget, being irresponsible with money
– not appreciating his contributions to the marriage and family
– demanding sex when they are sick, hurt, exhausted, or feeling extremely disrespected
– withholding sex as punishment
– doing nothing to show respect for our own appearance
– acting like things that are important to him are not a big deal
– taking over and making decisions without giving him a voice
– sharing nothing ourselves and giving up all of our thoughts, opinions, insights, and wisdom – giving up our personhood and expecting him to handle absolutely everything as if he is the dad instead of the husband
idolatry of him, the marriage, happiness, or romance
– expecting him to fail
– expecting him to be perfect and to meet the deepest needs of our soul that only Jesus can meet

REALLY SERIOUS DISRESPECT:

– screaming
– cussing
– throwing things/destroying property
– threatening physical harm
– actually trying to physically harm him
– purposely alienating his children from him
– lying (especially about really big things)
– flirting, infidelity
– total refusal to cooperate with him
– initiating a divorce (unless I have biblical reasons)
– very public extreme humiliation
– comparing him to other men sexually
– insulting his abilities sexually/his manhood
– insulting his abilities to provide financially

RELATED:

What Is Respect in Marriage?
My Husband Shares What Really Speaks Respect to Him
25 Ways to Respect Myself
25 Ways to Show Real Respect to Your Husband
Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin
Abuse
Signs Your Husband May Be Feeling Disrespected and Unloved
23 Signs Your Husband Is Beginning to Trust You Again

If you have a really difficult husband, please check out Nina Roesner’s Strength and Dignity eCourse.