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Godly Femininity – Part 2

 

 

enjoying a sunny afternoon

 

 

If you have not read Part 1, please read that to get started. 🙂

Can you imagine if you had witnessed godly examples of femininity at home as you were growing up, in your church, at school and in your community? This is what God desires – for children to be immersed in godly examples of masculinity, femininity, marriage and family thousands and thousands of times as they grow up. Then, godliness will seem “normal.”

For those who did not have godly examples (and that includes all of us to one degree or another), there is a lot of work to do in dissecting out all of the ungodly examples we have experienced that programmed us to think that those things were “normal” so that we can consciously reject them and choose God’s ways. It is my prayer that our children will get to experience each of us living out a godly example for them by God’s power working full blast in us. 🙂

It is my prayer that even though recent generations dropped the ball and we as a culture, even in the church, have veered hundreds of miles off course – that God might cause OUR generation to rise up and become a holy generation that will leave a godly legacy for those who come behind us. We have the power and treasure of heaven at our disposal. May we spend our lives for Christ, demonstrating godly femininity to everyone around us for His greatest glory!

Jesus Christ has set us free! The world says that freedom is the right to do what we want. But the freedom we have in Christ is the power to do God’s will. We have the power to choose not to sin when His Spirit is flooding our souls.

  • The only power we lose when we obey God and fully submit to Him as Lord is the power to destroy our marriages, ourselves, our husbands and children and others.
  • We gain the power of heaven to breathe life, healing, blessing, joy, peace, faith, kindness and goodness into our families.

GALATIANS 5:13-18

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 

SOME CHARACTERISTICS OF GODLY FEMININITY THAT GOD WILL CULTIVATE IN A WOMAN MORE AND MORE AS SHE ABIDES IN CHRIST AND HIS WORD ABIDES IN HER (these are all very brief descriptions):

AS A WIFE

  • She is a helper to her husband. (Genesis 2:18)
  • She brings all of herself – her personality, her talents, her gifts, her intellect, her emotions, her ideas, her desires, her vulnerability to her marriage. She cleaves to her husband. (Genesis 2:24, Proverbs 31, Song of Songs)
  • She is authentic – but she is not her old sinful self anymore. Some wives say, “I want to be free to by myself in my marriage,” but what they mean is, they want to be free to be their sinful selves. That is always a destructive choice. A godly wife has the power and ability to be her new self in Christ. She lost the destructive power of her sinful nature because her sinful nature died with Christ and was buried and now she counts herself dead to sin and alive to God in Christ. (Romans 6-8)
  • She respects her husband genuinely and finds the good in him to appreciate (because of her character and the Spirit of God filling her soul – not because he always “deserves” it) and she honors her husband’s God-given leadership, allowing him to make the final call if there is a disagreement and trusting God to lead her through her husband even when she doesn’t understand and can’t see how it will work out “for good” from her current perspective. When he asks her for something, she makes it a priority to try to do what he has asked of her with a godly attitude. (Ephesians 5:22-23, 33, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:3-5, I Corinthians 11:3 – If a husband is asking his wife to clearly sin, please check out the post Spiritual Authority for more info.)
  • She does good to her husband all the days of her life, not evil. (Proverbs 31)

—–

  • She is open and receptive to her husband. (Song of Solomon)
  • She studies to understand her particular husband, what speaks respect to him, his needs and the things that most bless him. (Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6)
  • She assumes the best about her husband, not the worst. (I Corinthians 13:7)
  • She is loyal to her husband and doesn’t badmouth him to others. She never bashes him to their children, extended family, coworkers, church members, friends or on social media. (Ephesians 5:22, Proverbs 31, Ephesians 4:29-30)
  • She deals with any sin in her life before approaching her husband about sin in his life. (Matthew 7:1-5)

—–

  • She is affectionate with her husband. (Titus 2:3-5)
  • Her presence, attitude and respect for God and her husband speak much more loudly to her husband about her faith than any words she could ever say. (I Peter 3:1-2)
  • She has a gentle, peaceful spirit that does what is right and does not give way to fear that is of great worth in God’s sight. (I Peter 3:1-6)
  • She comes to her husband humbly, gently and respectfully with his sin privately first, and only if he won’t repent, does she involve a godly male mentor/pastor to help them if there are serious problems. She does not smear him to family and friends or ream him out on Facebook. (Matthew 18:15-17) (How to Confront Your Husband about His Sin)
  • She seeks godly, biblical help if there are very serious issues in her marriage, but she rejects ungodly and unscriptural counsel and seeks God and His Word and His Spirit above all else. (Matthew 18:15-17) She is prepared to separate from her husband and trust God, seeking His wisdom and wise, biblical counsel if her husband continues in severe unrepentant sin and she or her children are truly not safe. She prays for reconciliation if they must separate, and she focuses on her walk with Christ. (A Peaceful Separated Wife, A Peaceful Divorced Wife, The Bible and Divorce)

—–

  • She depends on the wisdom and power of God to know how to respond to her husband’s sin and she is sensitive to God’s Spirit and responsive to what He leads her to do in a given situation. (Isaiah 30:21) (Portia’s Story)
  • If her husband is an unbeliever, she shows the power and love of God to him without words but by her respectful attitude and by honoring his leadership. (I Peter 3:1-2) ( Spiritual Authority, When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God, My Husband Wants to Go Where?)
  • Her husband feels safe with her spiritually, emotionally, sexually, physically and in every way – and he knows he can always trust her. She is never violent toward him. She doesn’t yell, scream, cuss or make threats. She is not scary, intimidating or threatening. She does not bully him. (Proverbs 31:11)
  • She is her husband’s crown. (Proverbs 12:4)
  • She learns to speak her husband’s language and to become fluent in his way of relating and speaking and learns to interpret him accurately and to understand his heart with compassion. She seeks to see him with God’s eyes and love him with God’s love. She wants to treat God’s beloved son well. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

—–

  • Her focus is on Christ not self. She has no insecurity – because she trust in God not self or worldly things. Her security is based on heavenly realities and truths and the promises of God in His Word. (Romans 6-8)
  • She doesn’t have to argue – she has way more powerful methods of communication at her disposal than arguing, nagging, criticizing, complaining, condemning or humiliating her husband. She knows exactly how ineffective and destructive and sinful those things are and they do not even tempt her. She knows how to use her power and influence for good, how to share in a respectful way and how to submit to Christ and to her husband even if they lead her in a way she did not anticipate. (A Real Life Example of Biblical Submission)
  • She does not submit to her husband if he clearly asks her to sin. She submits first to Christ. (Please see Spiritual Authority for more detail in this.)
  • She doesn’t try to control or change her husband, but seeks to bless him. (Proverbs 31, Ephesians 5:22-33)
  • She builds her marriage and family up and does not use her words, attitudes and actions to hurt or harm anyone. (Proverbs 14:1)

—–

  • She appreciates and values her husband’s headship, covering and protection over her. (I Corinthians 11:3)
  • She joyfully gives herself sexually to her husband whenever possible and seeks to meet his sexual needs (even if they are greater or less than her own biological desires at the time). (I Corinthians 7:1-5)
  • She honors her sacred marriage covenant and does not threaten to divorce or seek divorce. (Matthew 19, Malachi 2)
  • She trusts God’s Spirit to work in her husband’s heart to draw him to Himself and does not attempt to verbally drag her husband or force him to God, she knows her  words are not the most important or effective tool. (I Peter 3:1-2)
  • She values and appreciates her husband’s masculinity. She sees and admires the good things about her husband’s manhood and supports him being a man, she doesn’t try to make him be more feminine or think more like herself. She marvels at his strengths and protects his weaknesses. (Song of Songs, Proverbs 31)

—–

  • She is comfortable in her own skin and feels beautiful even if she doesn’t meet the world’s current definition of beauty. (Song of Songs 1)
  • She enjoys being attractive for her husband in a healthy way. (Song of Songs and Proverbs 5:19)
  • She smiles often. She is a delight for her husband to be around.  Her beautiful attitude, contentment and joy in Christ draw him to her. She is not needy, clingy and desperate for his attention. (Philippians 4:4-8)
  • She is glad to talk with her husband about things that interest him. She loves to learn about his masculine world and perspective. She rejoices in his uniqueness and his masculinity and does not shame him for being different from her. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
  • She is ready for adventure with God and with her husband (Exodus – a  picture of God leading His bride through the desert to the Promised Land)

—–

  • She is willing to wear a hat/scarf as a tangible symbol of her willingness to honor her husband’s God-given leadership at church/during prayer. (I Corinthians 11:3-16)
  • She supports his leadership even when she doesn’t agree. She shares her heart, concerns and needs respectfully, then trusts God to lead her through her husband. (Spiritual Authority post at the top of my home page and Submitting under Protest, Biblical Submission, as well as Biblical Submission Does Not = the Husband is Always Right)
  • She brings her husband comfort. (Genesis 24:67)
  • She brings beauty to her home and to relationships. (Genesis 2, Song of Songs, Acts 9:36-39)
  • She desires to make her husband look good that he might receive honor from others. (Proverbs 31)
  • She doesn’t look down on her husband (or anyone) but humbly acknowledges that the ground is level at the foot of the cross. There is no room for her to boast or brag in anything except for Christ and what He has done for her. (James 2, 1 Peter 5:5, Proverbs 22:4, Philippians 2:1-11, Ephesians 2:8-10)
  • She is not abusive in any way – physically, sexually, verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, etc… (1 John 4:20-21)

AS A MOTHER

  • She values, cherishes and nurtures any babies or children that she has before and after birth. (Isaiah 49:15)
  • She seeks to train and teach her children to know and love God and His Word. (Deuteronomy 6)
  • She loves them with the very love of God. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)
  • She desires to be a godly example to them. (Deuteronomy 6, Titus 2:3-5, Malachi 2)
  • She does not put her children above her husband or above God. (Genesis 22, Matthew 10:37-39, Luke 14:25-34) (Respecting Our Husbands as Fathers)
  • She is affectionate (Titus 2:3-5)
  • She extends the truth, mercy, grace, love and forgiveness of Christ to her children. (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

IN HER WALK WITH CHRIST

  • She holds nothing back from Christ. She knows He gave ALL of Himself for her, and now she delights in giving ALL of herself for Him. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for Jesus. He is her LORD. He is her Master. She is willing to deny self and sacrifice anything in this world for Him. (Luke 14:25-34, Matthew 10:37-39, Genesis 22) (Dying to Self)
  • She hungers deeply for God, His Word, His presence, His Spirit, His will, His wisdom and His power in her life and the lives of those around her. She has a very healthy spiritual appetite. (Matthew 6:33, Matthew 5:6)
  • She does not merely read the Word, she listens, prays diligently to understand properly and applies it to her life – allowing  God to transform her priorities, her heart, her soul, her words, her desires, her behavior and her attitudes. (James 2)
  • She fills her mind, heart and mouth with the praises of God. (Exodus 15:2, almost the whole book of Psalm and many other places as well)
  • She desires “to live a life worthy of the calling (she has) received (and to) Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:1-2)

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  • Her heart is soft, responsive and malleable in the hands of God, she does not have a hard heart against God and His Word or against others. (Ephesians 4:18, Hebrews 4:7)
  • She “(puts) off (her) old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of  (her) mind; and (puts) on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24)
  • She is open, receptive and tender hearted toward God. (Hebrews 3:15)
  • She has a sense of wonder about all that God has made and has done and will do. She is in total awe of Him. (Mark 9:15, Acts 3:10, Luke 7:16)
  • She is submissive first to Christ (James 4:7) and she practices biblical submission by honoring her husband’s God-given leadership (Ephesians 5:22-33, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:5, I Corinthians 11:3-16) so that the Word of God is not maligned.

—–

  • She leans on God’s wisdom, truth and understanding and does not trust her own human wisdom. (Proverbs 3:5)
  • She desires to live a holy life and to bring great glory to God. (I Peter 1:16)
  • When she sees sin in her life, she does not become depressed and withdrawn and paralyzed with worldly sorrow that leads to death, but has godly sorrow over her sin, mourning over her sin, rejecting her sin and turning to Christ in true repentance, longing to walk in obedience to Him in everything. (2 Corinthians 7:8-11, I John 1:9)
  • She is not overcome by fear, worry or anxiety, but has a Spirit of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)
  • She prays fervently and continually – in a spirit of godly power, not a spirit of worry, anxiety or fear. (I Thessalonians 5:17, Philippians 4:4-7, Romans 12:12, Romans 15:30)

—–

  • She makes time daily whenever remotely possible to spend in deep prayer and study of God’s Word, asking Him to change her and make her more and more like Christ. (John 15)
  • She prays for her husband and others – not to tell God what to do or make demands – but to seek God’s will and His blessing for them and to seek God’s best for those she loves. She prays with godly motives, not selfish, greedy, condemning, self-righteous, prideful, malicious or vengeful motives – but with the love and power of Christ.  (1 Timothy 2:1-5, James 4:1-10)
  • She knows that she is more than a conqueror through Christ. (Romans 8:37)
  • She knows that nothing can separate her from the love of Christ. (Romans 8:35-39)
  • She savors and enjoys her blessings, her life and her Lord. In fact, she rejoices in Him always! (Philippians 4:4-8)
  • She is able to be at peace because she understands and trusts in the sovereignty, love and power of God to work all things for her good because she loves Him and is called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28-29)
  • She prays the promises of God into reality by her unwavering faith in Him and His Spirit working powerfully in her. (Daniel 9:4)

ENCOURAGEMENT:

God will develop these qualities more and more in us as He sanctifies us and grows Christ more and more in our hearts, minds and souls. This is a life-long process. It is not about us trying harder to be “perfect.” On our own, we are a branch that has been cut off from the Vine and we are laying on the ground. We cannot do ANYTHING unless we are attached to Jesus – the Vine – and His nourishing truth and Spirit flood our souls. THEN we will be fruitful in His kingdom. We cannot be perfect until we reach heaven. That is ok. But our God is so strong that He is able to empower us and to give us victory in sin and the power to walk in holiness as we abide in Him. This is all about us being in an intimate relationship with Christ and allowing His power to flow full blast through us and transform us according to His will for His greatest glory!

John 15:1-17

EXAMPLES OF GODLY WOMEN IN SCRIPTURE:

– Esther

– Ruth

– Rahab (a former prostitute)

– Hannah, Samuel’s mother

– Deborah

– the Proverbs 31 wife

–  Sarah, Abraham’s wife – sometimes she is an example of godliness, and sometimes ungodliness

– Mary, the mother of Jesus

– Mary the sister of Martha and Lazarus

– Mary Magdalene after she came to Christ

– Priscilla, Aquilla’s wife

– Dorcas/Tabitha (whom Peter raised from the dead by Jesus’ power)

SHARE:

How is God working in your heart about the issue of godly femininity?

What is most striking to you?

How can we pray together for you?

 

“My Husband Gets Angry When I Respectfully Disagree with Him”

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“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live in peace with everyone.” Romans 12:17-18. (If you get a chance, please read Romans 12:9-21)

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1

Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. James 1:19-20

There are many things that could be going on when our husbands respond in anger when we share our ideas/desires/needs/concerns. This topic could be a book in itself! Here are a few possibilities…

  • A wife may not realize she is coming across disrespectfully in some way – that can make a husband feel disrespected and angry or make him want to shut down. Even a “little tiny bit” of disrespect from a wife’s perspective can be perceived as a lot of disrespect from a husband’s perspective. Some things that we as wives tend not to notice that can seem disrespectful to our husbands can be our word choices that might imply disrespect to our particular husbands, our tone of voice, our facial expressions and body language. (Nonverbal Disrespect – Youtube Video)
  • A wife may be early in this process of learning to stop disrespect and may be trying to figure out respect but is still stumbling often or she may be in The Frustrating Quiet Phase and be afraid to say anything at the moment. It is a difficult thing to learn to discern when to speak and when not to speak at times.
  • A wife may purposely disrespect her husband out of her own pain and anger – which is sin for which we need to repent. It is GOOD for us to share when we are sad, afraid, hurting, nervous or upset. But a wife can share what she wants and needs respectfully as she shows her husband that she is on his team and has his back.
  • A husband may not believe his wife is really changing, so he may assume she intends harm and disrespect even though she is trying to change. He may need time, a lot of time, to see that this is for real and that she is not trying to manipulate him.
  • A wife may try to take control when she disagrees, refusing to submit to her husband’s leadership. That will definitely be frustrating for a man who knows God has called him to lead. It is impossible for him to lead if no one will follow.
  • A husband may think his wife is being sarcastic at first when his wife attempts to speak respectfully because there may be a long history of disrespect, contention and conflict in the marriage.
  • A husband may feel his wife is undermining his leadership and feel his authority is being challenged if she disagrees with him if he is not used to having respectful discussions where there is disagreement. It may take time for him to realize that his wife is no longer going to attack him and that he is safe with her. Eventually, he will see that she will still support, honor him and cooperate with him even when she disagrees. This makes a powerful statement to a husband that his wife trusts him, has faith in him and is on his team.

(Please check out the posts at the top of my home page about disrespect and respect for more info on these topics.)

There are times when a husband may respond in anger even if his wife is being respectful and approaching him in a God-honoring, respectful, polite, gentle way. It isn’t always “her fault” if he gets angry. After all, husbands are sinners, too. Just like wives are.

  • He may still be learning to be a godly man and leader. This is a lifelong process for men, too – to learn to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. If he is just now beginning to learn to step up and lead for the first time in the marriage or the first time in his life, he may feel overwhelmed, afraid, uncertain or insecure. If he senses that his wife is not supportive of his leadership, is critical, often negative, judgmental or uncooperative, he may respond with anger or he may give up and feel paralyzed as a leader.
  • He may be responding from the old patterns and habits he witnessed from his father or step-father or the men in his life from his past. He may not know yet how to respond gently, lovingly and graciously when his wife respectfully disagrees with him. He may have never had a godly example. And for men who never had a godly example, being a godly husband is just as counter-intuitive to them as being a godly wife is counter-intuitive to us! As a wife seeks to obey God for her role in the marriage, she can trust God to work in her husband and she can encourage and inspire him to become a stronger leader by her godly living and attitude and by her godly femininity.
  • He may be holding on to sin in his own life that is hindering his prayers and keeping him separated from God. That may have nothing to do with his wife. His sin is his responsibility before God. My prayer is that all husbands and wives will be Spirit-filled and obedient to God, that Jesus might be greatly glorified in our marriages.
  • Sometimes, as a wife begins to operate in the power of God, her husband begins to feel conviction about his own sin and lashes out at his wife, trying to get her to sin against him so that he can continue to blame her and not have to examine his own heart and life.
  • It may be that a wife is sharing a LOT of words and negative emotions for a long time and sometimes husbands can feel like they are drowning in an ocean of negative emotions that can be very overwhelming for them at times if the words are too numerous and the emotions are very intense. Sometimes if we can be brief and communicate with lower volume, calmly and without so many tears (if possible), sometimes our husbands can hear us more effectively that way. It may be that we can share things in more of a “bullet point” form instead of a 4000 word essay. We may be able to navigate our many negative feelings and emotions just fine, but sometimes husbands need a more condensed and less detailed version to be able to absorb it and process it.
  • Sometimes, a husband is far from God and is not living in his power and doesn’t have the Holy Spirit to turn to for wisdom and strength of character. At these times I Peter 3:1-6 can be the most powerful approach for a godly wife. (When I Shut Up, My Husband Heard God)
  • Sometimes a husband may have a knee-jerk reaction of anger if his wife doesn’t agree. But if she allows him time to think and process and she doesn’t pressure him about it, he may end up doing what she asked, even if he doesn’t talk about it anymore. This may require great patience on a wife’s part. But, she has done her job by sharing her desires and needs, and then she can pray and trust God to work in her husband’s heart to change his mind.
  • He may have other issues going on.  (If a husband, or anyone, is exhausted, in pain, sick, very hungry, extremely stressed about work or other family issues – it may be wise for us to wait until these needs are taken care of before we attempt to have any major discussions about an important decision.)

WE CAN ONLY CONTROL OURSELVES

It may be that a wife can just simply share her heart and if her husband begins to try to argue, she can avoid engaging in a fight, but just say, “I just wanted to share my feelings on this. Thanks for listening.” And then she may leave it. Many times, in my view, a wife who doesn’t argue and doesn’t allow herself to be sidetracked by distracting tactics  and circular arguments that are meant to blame her or project fault on her, may find that just simply leaving her feelings and thoughts with her husband without engaging in a debate may impact him deeply.

We can share our thoughts without being contentious, prideful, self-righteous, controlling, argumentative or complaining. We can carefully, wisely speak the truth in love after we have spent time in prayer and know that we are seeking God’s will above our own will. We can honor God and our husbands as we approach our men about issues that are important to us. We can have disagreements without sinning on our end of the relationship.

Notice the verse at the top from Romans -“as far as it depends on you live in peace…” That means, there are things that come up in relationships that don’t depend on you, too. Some things in your marriage depend on your husband. You are only responsible for your own obedience to God, your being filled with His Spirit and your faithfulness and submission to Christ. You cannot change your husband. You cannot convict him. You cannot open his eyes. You cannot make him be loving to you or force him to submit himself to Jesus. You cannot change his mind or make him agree with you. You cannot control him. He cannot control you either. That is a good thing. God gives us all a free will.

If you have been on this journey for awhile, and you have been seeking Christ, repenting of any known sin in your own life, seeking to respect and honor your husband – and he continues to respond hatefully if you try to share a differing opinion from his… It may be that you are doing everything you can do.  I pray that God might show you whether this is the case.

Even when we don’t agree with our husbands, we can submit to Christ by submitting to our husbands’ leadership. That speaks more powerfully about our genuine respect for our husbands than almost anything else we could do. (Submitting Under Protest) As a husband sees over time that his wife shares her heart and thoughts, but that she ultimately supports his final decision if they cannot agree after discussion, he will often eventually soften to his wife and be able to hear her heart more clearly. Sometimes this takes a lot of time. But other times, a wife may find that if she just simply shares her desires/feelings briefly and calmly, that even though her husband may seem angry at first, he may eventually do what she asked, even though she didn’t pressure him about it. Some men may just need some time to think. They may even apologize for their angry reaction later.

This can be VERY painful. But it is also exciting to see how God might work in the situation as we seek to obey and honor Him. If you believe your husband is asking you  to sin, please check out Spiritual Authority.

WE ALL NEED GOD, HIS VOICE, HIS SPIRIT and HIS WISDOM FOR THIS!

This is where we all need great sensitivity to God’s Spirit. Only He has the wisdom we need in a given situation to prompt us whether a certain situation is a time when we should pray and wait on Him quietly and say nothing, staying out of His way, or whether we should respectfully, briefly, gently, vulnerably share our hearts or whether we should confront our husbands. I certainly don’t have God’s wisdom for every situation and I don’t have all the answers for every marriage. But thankfully, God does!

Just because a husband will get upset does not necessarily mean his wife should say nothing. I believe we generally have a responsibility as wives to share our ideas, needs, desires and concerns with our husbands. If we completely give up expressing our desires, ideas, personalities, influence, feelings and needs – that is not real intimacy and no healthy husband wants a wife who does not or cannot think and feel for herself.

It is easy for a wife of a more dominant husband to feel like she is losing her mind and sanity if her husband gets angry and blames her or turns on her if she shares that she wants to do something different from what he wants to do. She may be tempted to think, “Well, I must have not been respectful enough. That is why he is angry. If I just said it more respectfully, he wouldn’t have gotten mad. I just can’t ever say things right. I just shouldn’t say what I want, think or need at all.”

That is NOT necessarily true, precious wife!

This will require God’s wisdom and careful examination of our hearts and our true motives. There are times when a wife is doing everything right and a husband is still unwilling to listen to his wife. He may have some growing to do. That can be painful for both the husband and his wife. Or, God may be leading him to make the decision he is making and the wife may not see that until later. I long to see wives stand firm in Christ in such situations and to see them seek to please Jesus above all else and to be faithful and obedient to Him. Ultimately we must be concerned about pleasing our Audience of One – God – much more than anyone else, even our husbands. Ideally we can seek to please both. But there may be times when a husband is very difficult or impossible to please. I pray that God might strengthen wives so that their faith is unshakable and that they might have His wisdom and power to respond as God desires them to even in the face of being wrongly accused or misunderstood or unfairly blamed.

Sometimes 1 Peter 3:1-6 is our best approach. I Corinthians 13:4-8, Philippians 4:4-8 and Galatians 5:22-23 certainly apply to every situation. Sometimes we may need to confront our husbands in a Matthew 7:1-5 and then Matthew 18:15-17 way. We are all desperately in need of God’s wisdom and leadership in these times of conflict. Sometimes it will be a combination of scriptures and God’s Spirit’s prompting that we need.

Almost all husbands really do want their wives to be happy. As they discover that is is possible to please their wives and as they feel supported and honored and respected – most husbands, eventually, will seek to do what is truly best for their wives and families and will enjoy delighting their wives.

PLEASE SHARE!

I pray that some wives who have been down this road with a husband who responds in anger even when the wife is being respectful as she shares that she disagrees with him might share your stories with the other wives who need some encouragement. Often a husband who responds in anger rather than passive withdrawal is a more dominating, strong personality. What works with more passive husbands is often not what works with strong and dominating husbands. What has God shown you? What doesn’t work in your marriage? What works? What blesses your husband? What helps him to hear your heart? How do you respond in a godly way when he lashes out in anger that is undeserved on your part? Let’s talk about this together! Maybe some husbands might also have some suggestions that may be helpful for the wives who are afraid to speak their thoughts because their husbands respond in anger almost every time.

PS

Please keep in mind, if you have serious marriage problems – physical abuse, addictions,  unrepentant infidelity, uncontrolled mental health disorders, or one of you experienced major abuse in childhood or a previous relationship and need deep emotional/spiritual healing, please seek godly, biblical, trusted, experienced help in person. I am not able to address these kinds of issues here, and my blog may not be the best fit for you. God’s Word always applies to us all. But those with severe problems are going to need much more specialized help than I can offer.

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Having God’s Peace in the Midst of the Storm

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From the wife who wrote “The Dryer Incident”. Her husband is with her but things are quite tense. She has been on this journey now for about 6 months. He is not a believer and needs Jesus so very much! He is in a lot of pain. I praise God for what He is doing in this sister’s heart. It is so beautiful!
Now, I need to keep releasing my husband over and over, but it felt good to let him know that I want the best for him and trust him to make the choices he needs to.  It felt like a huge step of faith because if he would just “snap out of it” and decide to do the “right” thing then we could move on.  But I need to trust God’s path and plan for my husband’s life, as well as my own, and believe that no matter what choices he makes in order to figure out how to be happy, that God is directing and will use them for His glory and our best.
Thank you for the excellent reminder that my husband doesn’t need to actually be here with me for me to bless him.  That helps a lot in putting things into perspective for me:  the absolute best way I can bless him is by praying for him (which is actually easier to do when he’s not here anyway).  I guess I’ve been looking at blessing him more as things that I do for or say to him, that he needs to be involved in the interaction (or at least present for it).  It is actually freeing to look at it this was and, I’d say, exposes some of my pride in thinking that there’s anything that I can say or do on my own to make a difference.  Thank you for pointing that out to me and for your continued prayers for my husband.

That actually ties in to what God revealed to me last night through His Word and this morning while meditating on it.  Your words and example of being still and waiting on God have got me thinking about that further.  We’ve spoken before about how waiting is such a difficult but important part of this journey.   I see how God can and is using this time of waiting to teach me and draw me closer to Him.

I also know that I don’t really have any other choice — I can’t force my husband to make a move so I am stuck waiting, whether I like it or not.

I’ve felt like I’ve been able to accept this waiting period for what it is to some degree, but I see now, that I haven’t fully embraced it.  Being still and waiting isn’t just about my outer life — my actions and situation.  It also has to include my inner life — thoughts and feelings.  I’m not doing so well in that area.  It’s hard not to be thinking about what I can be saying or doing or plan how to handle something and then analyze all the different reactions to it and where to go next or to try to interpret every move and word from my husband … this is NOT being still!

I have been reading Genesis and Psalms, at least a chapter in each, daily and last night, as I was waiting and wondering about my husband and so confused about how to handle the situation, I almost didn’t read it.  I had been praying, reading other things, it was late, I was exhausted, physically & emotionally, and I almost put aside my Bible reading.  But then I thought there’s really no reason not to read a Psalm, at least.  I do always feel better and there are a lot of short ones.  And then, after that, I did read from Genesis, too.

  • April, I just can’t believe how clearly God speaks to me through His Word!  EVERY SINGLE DAY there is a message for me, from stories I’ve known since a small child, there’s always something new that I’ve never understood before!  It’s truly incredible!

Last night I read Genesis 26 where God commanded Isaac to stay in the land where He had put him, despite famine and hardship, promising to be with him and bless him.  Isaac stayed and God blessed him so richly that it was clearly apparent to all around him that he had God’s blessing and they were threatened (convicted) by it.  Coincidence that I should read that passage?  I’m just blown away by how pertinent the accounts in Genesis have been in my life as I read through it.

The Psalm that really spoke to me was chapter 13.  David is crying out to the Lord who has seemingly forgotten and turned away from him.  He questions “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” (vs 2a) and demands that God look on and answer him (vs 3).  He is in complete anguish in verses 1-4 then the final two verses are a complete and drastic turn around!  For no apparent reason, he doesn’t allude to any improvement in his situation, he says

“But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation.  I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.” (vs 5-6).

So as I’m laying in bed last night after reading these passages, praying and thinking about my husband and how I should handle all of this, I realize how clear God’s message is. I am to stay still and wait, clinging to God’s promise to be with and bless me, not just despite but because of hardship.  And that this being still has to extend to my heart and mind as well.  I need to let go of my anxious thoughts and feelings, my flawed and inadequate attempts to change and improve things.  How? 

Here’s the key:  Trust in God’s unfailing love.  Rejoice in His salvation.  Sing of His goodness.

That is where my heart and mind must be focused if I am truly going to be still and experience God’s peace and presence in this storm.  Isn’t that beautiful?  I know these things, but it was so incredible to have it laid out so clearly in the Scriptures I just “happened” to read and almost didn’t!  I love it!!!

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