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“I Want a Baby, but My Husband Doesn’t Want One Right Now. What Do I Do?”

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Here is a question from a dear wife and sister in Christ:

Hi April, I would love to hear your thoughts about this disagreement I am having with my husband. We have one 18 month old, and I desire to have another baby sometime in the next year. My husband doesn’t want a baby anytime soon. What is your advice about this? Oh, and I guess I should let you know his reasons for not wanting another baby for quite some time. He wants us to get out of debt first, and he says we need to do a better job of parenting the one child we do have and our marriage needs to improve. Those are his reasons.

I think that this is one of the most common conflicts I have seen here on the blog. Babies are on our minds as women in a way that they are not with men, possibly. I think men can want children very much, too. But, they are not reminded of the issue as much as we are, in some ways – or, maybe it doesn’t always feel as pressing to them? Maybe the men can speak to that in the comments. We are designed by God to carry, nurture, nurse, and care for babies, after all. We tend to have an intense biological drive to desire children (not all of us, of course, but many of us).

This particular husband in the question above has some valid concerns, in my view.

I believe that the desire to be a mother is a good, God-given desire. Motherhood is a gift and a blessing. So is fatherhood and family. So is marriage. All of these things are good things.

This is such a painful and sensitive topic for so very many women. My heart goes out to each of you who are struggling with this conflict, or with infertility issues, and for the single women who long to be married and to have children more than anything in the world. I think this time of year can be especially hard with Christmas coming up. For some of you, it may be wise to not look at Facebook much and to avoid some of your bigger triggers. And, if this issue is a big trigger for you – you may want to wait to read this post when you have time to be alone and to seek God and pray privately  – not right before you dash out the door to work!

I am praying for each of you who is deeply hurting over the desire for a baby – married or single!

MY STORY

Honestly, I see now that I made having a baby too important both times we had our children. I wanted a baby so much! I didn’t really put as much weight on any objections or concerns Greg may have had as I did on my own desires to have a baby. (How horrible that sounds to my ears now!!!) I wanted a baby and I wanted one ASAP. I just “knew” it was God’s will and that Greg needed to accept that and cooperate with everything I wanted to do. I expected and demanded that he submit to me, when it came down to it – although I didn’t see what I was doing at the time. I so regret my approach back then! I put so much pressure on my husband. 🙁

How I wish I had laid my dream for a baby at the feet of God, and allowed God to work on my husband’s heart to create this desire in him. How I wish I had been patient and that I had been willing to obey God’s Word for me as a wife whether or not Greg was excited about having a baby. If I had given him more time, I believe he would have been much more on board and the experience would have been so much more of a delight, blessing, joy, and gift for both of us. Greg does love our children dearly and is a fantastic father. But, I did not approach him about having a baby in the most constructive way. My approach created tension and division.

After our second baby, the doctor said it was not safe for me to have another baby. I understand the desire for more children. I know the sacrifice of laying down this dream and receiving God’s will for me, whatever that might be, even if it means no more children. I also understand the pain and ache of wanting a baby and not being able to have one because of circumstances we faced earlier in our marriage. We did not have our first child until we had been married 7 years. We faced the constant questions every week about when we were going to have children. I cried a lot of tears for many years over this issue. I remember the pain of people’s comments and the tension this issue caused in our marriage very vividly.

If I really, really want a baby, that is a good desire. Babies are gifts from God. God loves babies and He is sovereign over every person who is created.

But, I need to be careful not to let my desire for a baby become more important to me than my desire for Christ, my contentment in Him, my obedience to God’s Word, my husband, or my marriage covenant.

Here are the most common idols I see among married women and single women in the church today –  (An idol is something we put above God in our hearts that we want more than anything else. Sometimes they are very good things, the issue is where we put them in our priorities):

If you are confused about how wanting a baby could be an idol, I invite you to search my home page for the words “idol,” and “idolatry.” I also invite you to check out the post “Submission (to God) Means We Hold the Things of This World Loosely.”

Some great tests for whether something  has become an idol in my heart:

  • Do I believe I MUST have this thing or I cannot be satisfied in life?
  • Do I respond with major FEAR at the thought of not having the thing I want so much?
  • Am I willing to spend lots of time, money, and resources and sacrifice important relationships in my life to have this thing?
  • Am I willing to be content in Christ alone even if God decides not to give me what I want?

“HOW DO I HANDLE MY DESIRE FOR A BABY IN A WAY THAT HONORS MY HUSBAND AND GOD?”

Here are my suggestions (other wives are welcome to share things that have blessed them as they tackled this issue):

  • Write down your desire for a baby in your prayer journal. Ask God for His will. Tell Him how much you long to have a baby and how much you desire to be a mother. But then wrestle until you can get to the place where you can say sincerely to Him, “Yet not my will, but Yours be done.” That is submission to the Lordship of God.
  • Share your desire to have a baby with your husband in a friendly, positive, brief way – probably once.
  • Let God work in your husband’s heart and please do not pressure or push your husband about this! It may take time for him to get used to the idea. That has to be ok. If you try to force him into having a child, he may end up resenting you and possibly even the child. I want your husband to be on board with this idea and for him to be a willing participant. Please, please do not make a comment to him every time you see a baby or see someone announce a pregnancy. Don’t try to push babies on him. It’s ok to share sometimes that you feel sad because you would love to be a mother (or have another baby) one day. But the more you try to make your husband want a baby, the more you will repel him and the more he will feel disrespected and like you are trying to control him. Let me mention, if you talk about this once a month, that will feel like a LOT to most husbands. This may be something to bring up only occasionally, according to God’s Spirit’s flea prompting, especially if it is a very sensitive topic for your husband.
  • Listen to his concerns. Make sure that he knows that you value and care about his feelings, priorities, desires and concerns and that his thoughts are at least as important to you as your own feelings on this issue.
  • Rehearse Scripture and God’s commands for you as a wife. Ephesians 5:22-33, I Peter 3:1-6, Titus 2:3-5, I Corinthians 11:3. Read James 1 and James 4 any time you start to feel discouraged. Focus on Philippians 4:4-8 and Philippians 4:13.
  • Hold your dream loosely and allow God to work in His sovereignty to accomplish this dream.
  • Be willing to wait and be willing to be content even without children. Jesus is sufficient. We can absolutely be content in Him alone even if we don’t have all of the things we want in this world.
  • Seek God’s will far above your own will. He knows what is best.
  • Remember that your covenant relationship of marriage is the most important and sacred of human relationships. Scripture does not allow for divorce because a husband doesn’t want a baby or because of infertility. It may be wise not to talk with a lot of people about your desire for a baby, because there are plenty of women who will counsel you to “just divorce your husband if he doesn’t want a baby.” That is not at all Scriptural. That would be sin on our part to divorce for that reason. There are very few biblically acceptable reasons for divorce. There are also a lot of women who, even if they don’t encourage you to divorce, will attempt to insert themselves into your marriage to tell you what to do or to tell you what you need to make your husband do if you share this issue. Not helpful. That just adds more stress and pressure to your husband, your marriage, and to you, in my view.
  • Don’t spend a lot of time marinating on your dream until your husband gives you the green light. I think that only makes us want a baby even more. If I am feeding my mind with articles from Baby and parenting magazines, looking at baby clothes and baby furniture a few times a week online, picking out names, focusing on the women around me who have babies, etc… I can make myself (and my husband) absolutely miserable. I may need to get off of Facebook and not go to baby sites online and avoid the baby department at the store. I do much better when I focus on Christ and on becoming the woman He desires me to be and on being in the center of His will today than if I become consumed with a particular desire that is not about Jesus.
  • Do not allow any bitterness or resentment to build in your heart – that is TOXIC and can easily destroy  your marriage and ruin your fellowship with God.
  • Focus on today, not the future. It is entirely possible to become so absorbed with “When will we have children?” “Will I ever get to be a mother?” “When will my husband change his mind?” that we can completely miss out on the gifts we have today in the present. How can I cherish my husband today if I am worrying about 2 years from now? Jesus commands us not to worry about tomorrow, because each day has enough troubles of its own (Matthew 6:34).
  • Focus on delighting in the will of God, whatever that might be. I would love for us not to attempt to put God in a box. “It HAS to be this one way, God, or I will not be ok.” I would love for us to say, “Here is what I long for, but I trust You to know what is best for us and I can’t wait to see what You have in store for us!”
  • Focus on the fact that God’s wisdom and timing are infinitely greater than ours.
  • Read about the women of the Old and New Testament who were barren. God used that long time of infertility to refine their faith and to make the gift of a baby even more precious when He brought it about in His time for His purposes.
  • Don’t allow whether you have children or not to define you as a woman or believer. Your primary identity is in Christ, not in whether you are married or not or whether you have children or not.
  • Be prepared for insensitive comments from well-meaning family and friends. These can easily be triggers that can make you want to lash out in resentment at your husband. That is destructive. Be prepared to respond with something like, “Babies are such a gift. We will certainly let you know if/when we have any news. Thanks.” You may even have to set up boundaries and say something like, “That is a topic I would rather not talk about, please. How about you pray for us for God’s will about children.” And then change the subject.
  • When a friend announces her pregnancy, or you see moms with babies at the store – you may feel sad. You may need to journal your thoughts. If you have a godly wife mentor or godly wife friend, you may be able to talk with her about it and she may be willing to sympathize and then point you back to Christ and to obedience to His Word.
  • Don’t let the idea of a baby become more important to you than Jesus, obeying God’s Word, your marriage covenant, or your husband. If God desires you to have a baby, He is sovereign. He can bring a baby about at just the perfect time if it is His will.
  • I believe that the whole birth control thing makes this decision so much more complicated than it would have normally been in most generations in the past – this is my perspective at this point in my life. I have some posts on that linked below. If you believe God wants you to come off of birth control, maybe you can share this series below with your husband, if God prompts you to. Or, you can simply pray for God to change your husband’s heart if it is His will for you to come off of birth control. If you have moral objections to birth control, maybe you can calmly share those concerns with your husband (probably just once, or rather rarely, when God prompts you to share) and give him some time to think about your concerns and see what he says.

SHARE:

If having a baby has been an idol for you, I’d love to hear your story.

If you have pressured your husband to have children, and regret doing so, I would love for  you to share your story in the comments.

If God has given you the strength to handle this issue gracefully in a way that honors Him and your husband, I would love for you to share your story, too.

I would also appreciate some of the gentlemen sharing their masculine thoughts on this issue that may help us understand our husbands better in this area.

RELATED:

A Wife Examines the Hidden Motives Behind Her Desire for Children

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

My Secret Idol

The Idol of Happiness

The Birth Control Issue – Part 1

“My Husband Refuses to Have Children with Me!?!”

Bitterness

I Am Responsible for My Emotions

I Am Responsible for Myself Spiritually

Fear Fuels Our Need to Control

What Does It Mean to Be an Ungodly Woman

Godly Femininity

You can also search my home page for “control,” “idol” and/or “idolatry.”

 

New Life Springs from a Painful Trial

 

“What if no matter what husband I married, I would be sinned against and that would reveal all this sin and filth in my own life? The kind of wife I am and the way I respond comes from my character and the fruit of my soul – whether my sinful nature is in control or God’s Spirit is in control.” (a quote from Peacefulwife from this post.)

FROM A WIFE:

This is so true. We take our baggage from one relationship to the next, one situation to the next, if we never stop to deposit it somewhere.

Jesus says, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NKJV)

  • Jesus will take our baggage, our filth, and give us new life in exchange. How incredible is that? Our greatest barrier in accepting this amazing offer is our sinful fear, disbelief and trust in self.

I think each person comes to this realization of his/her need for Christ in his/her own way. Because of my pride in my intellect, it took a problem with no fair solution to realize I needed His help.

Despite the fact that my husband moved out and intends to divorce me as soon as he is able, I am thankful for what is coming out of the experience. When my husband unilaterally decided to nullify our plan to have a child, I faced a struggle that had no fair answer and I turned to God. I learned that every choice boils down to to options, do what is right (by God’s definition) or do wrong.

I learned that it is possible to face sacrificing your dearest dream in order to fulfill a promise made to God.

My marriage vows did not hinge upon our having children, therefore, I needed to give up my dream of more children (and not be resentful of my husband breaking his promise) to save our marriage. Through that sacrifice, I began to understand and appreciate the gift of Jesus and that ultimate sacrifice God the Father and God the Son gave to save us from eternal death and keep us for His glory.

Through this heart-wrenching experience, I came to accept Jesus as my Savior. I thought I was a Christian prior to this, but I saw that I had never completely surrendered. Very honestly, I am a different person from the wife I was when my husband left. I am calmer even in the midst of this tremendous storm I stand in (my husband abandoned us after we just moved to a new state after living overseas and my husband has sole control of our finances). My faith rests completely in God and acknowledgment of His sovereignty. The fruit of my renewed heart is sweetened by sacrifice and surrender.

Before all of this, I was ruled by fear. I could not rest in anything because I felt I had to constantly be “on patrol”. That sinful fear is not part of my nature anymore.

April, you talked about free will. It was hard at first to acknowledge that I have no control over my husband’s actions. None. I loved my husband deeply and was so hurt when he changed his mind without ever talking to me. I spent a year trying to be a perfect wife so he would keep his “baby promise” to me. My motives were wrong and I was unhappy because my efforts went unacknowledged.

I learned it takes TWO people committed to each other to make a marriage work and TWO people committed to God to make a marriage joyful. It takes only ONE person to deny commitment and break a marriage.

Though my marriage will likely end, I do not fear a joyless life. God’s hand is so evident in this whole situation…that buoys my spirit. In my renewed life, I am able to live “in the moment”–an ability that eluded me my whole life.

Wherever you are in your marriage, I encourage you to listen to what April says about needing to rectify your relationship with God. We are incapable of deep, lasting change without the power of His Grace.

This scripture has been so encouraging to me in these moments where I don’t know how to take another step:

Philippians 4:4-7 NIV

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

 

You know what is crazy? The start of this crisis was a mere two months ago. I feel like I’ve lived two decades in that time.

I remember being devastated in the days following the final “baby talk,” searching the web for an answer about my husband changing his mind about having a child. This website was the sole light offering hope for a marriage with this dilemma (everything else said to divorce and find a new husband). I am so glad I didn’t choose to heed that misguided advice. Maybe this divorce is inevitble, but acting on secular wisdom would have denied me the chance to grow into my role as a child of God. I would have continued to carry an impossible burden into my future.

Right now, my situation is so far from “normal” that I struggle with the reality of it daily. When I am overwhelmed, I lay my head down, imagining it on Jesus’ lap and I pray for His help and guidance. The pain, fear and anger come and go, but being anchored in God’s light gives me the ability to let the feelings pass without me being stirred to rash action.

Please, please use me to be an example of His grace in action! None of this is my doing outside of me choosing to be obedient. Use this evidence to glorify our Heavenly Father under whose authority I take comfort.

Let me add that in finding the Greatest Treasure, I also discovered my true worth. My self-worth was severely damaged by a rape many years ago. My then-fiance dumped me over the phone when I told him about it, which I realize now may have been more devastating than the rape. I began to believe I was worth less than others.

When my husband abandoned us, it felt like he was trying to dump us off the side of a road like unwanted kittens. That made me realize…wait! I am a child of God and in His eyes I am precious…this treatment is wrong and not an indication of my value. The lie that has haunted me my whole adult life was made powerless in that moment.

Even the mean-spirited actions of my husband have been used to God’s purpose. God is almighty, His power and ability are limitless!

April, I can never ever thank you enough for your obedience to God through your husband and taking on the enormous task of running this site!!! It is amazing to think of how many lives you’ve touched.

 

May God bless you and everyone today! ☺

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Lord, I stand in total amazement and awe at what you are doing in my precious sister’s life. THANK YOU for bringing her to Yourself – even though it has been such a painful journey. THANK YOU for the faith she has in You and for the power working through her now. Lord, please provide for her needs. I pray for You to work in her husband’s heart.  I pray for every stronghold of sin and the enemy to be torn down by Your power, Jesus. I pray for this husband to hear Your voice and to listen and obey You. I pray for this wife to stand strong in the power of Your Spirit and to walk in obedience and in great faith in You. I pray for You to meet her every need and give her the wisdom she needs each moment. I pray for reconciliation and healing for this marriage. Most of all I pray for Your greatest glory.

Ladies (and gentlemen), please join with me in surrounding our new sister in prayer, love, support and encouragement.

“I Can’t Do This Anymore!” – GraceAlone

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We are going to continue to follow GraceAlone, the wife from last week’s post “My Husband Refuses to Have Children with Me!?!?” on her journey. The beginning of this road is often excruciatingly painful! This group of emails is from over a week ago. I kind of wish I could post all of the past week’s progress in one post. But it would be so long, no one could possibly read it all. So we will take this in stages.  It is amazing to watch all that God is doing in her. She is just beginning this journey. She is in the most painful part, the part with the most questions, fears and struggles. Please pray for her and her precious husband (who is trying to lead her and be a godly man in so many ways) and encourage her as she learns and grows and waits on the Lord to heal her broken heart and to transform her into the image of Christ.
My hope is that although I can’t email every wife anymore, the volume is just too great when I try to do that, that maybe I can take a few wives at a time and email them and share their emails to bless everyone. Hopefully in another month or two, I will be ready to add 1-2 more wives and we can follow several wives’ journeys together.
GRACEALONE’S EMAIL
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April,
I’m at the point now where I don’t even want to try because right now I feel like I don’t want to stay married to him. 
This all started because about a year ago when I left a full time job to work part time. My husband has always complained about our financial situation since then. I always ask him if he wants me to go to work full time and he will say, “No, I want you to stay home because I know it makes you happy and if you were to go work full time again you would be miserable.” So, I feel like I have never ever gotten a direct answer from him. I never know what I’m supposed to do in that area. But, I am so tired of listening to him complain or act depressed about our financial  situation.
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I feel like literally everything in my life has suffered more because of bring married to him. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life, and that I should have dated more, etc. I’m so miserable right now, and I am barely hanging on. I cannot even honestly say that I want to stay married to him.
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Right now, I feel the only thing keeping us together is if we were to divorce we would be looked down on from family and friends etc. When I look at all the things I have had to deal with/accept on his behalf – I just feel like I made a mistake.
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Any thoughts and advice and prayers are greatly appreciated. Thank you!
FROM PEACEFULWIFE
My precious girl!!!!!!!!!!

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Let’s take a deep breath and let’s lay this before Jesus.
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He did give you a concrete answer about the job. He wants youto be happy. You’ve been crying every day. He knows you are not happy. He is trying to make you happy. But I imagine he feels like a huge failure knowing you are so sad all the time. I am sure that he feels the pressure every husband does toprovide well financially for his wife/family.  I vote to thank him for providing and for allowing you to workpart time and to enjoy this incredible gift he is giving to you, allowing youto bepart time. And I suggest tocooperate with any budget he sets. When husbandstry and try to make their wives happy, and their wives are never happy, never satisfied with the husband’s efforts – eventually men will give up and not even put forth anymore effort. They know that no matter what they do, their wife will still be unhappy, so it seems like it is just “not worth it” to try anymore. Why try when she is still goingto be upset no matter what a man does? One of the greatest gifts you can give him at this point isto be happy about being ableto bepart time and appreciate that generous gift he is giving to you.

Even if you did make “the biggest mistake of your life” by marrying your husband – which I am not convinced you have, (by the way, almost everyone feels this way at some point!) – God is still sovereign, my sweet sister. And it is God’s will for you to stay here based on what the Bible says about the marriage covenant. I have a feeling that there is much to be learned at His feet right now. I don’t want you to miss any of the good things He has in store for you!
You don’t have to want to be married to him right now. Feelings are not the basis for our actions as believers in Christ. THANKFULLY! There will be times with emotions like this to work through – but then, you have to “boss your feelings around” (Shaunti Feldhahn – “Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages” ) and decide to honor Christ anyway, trusting Him to be able to bring something beautiful from this situation. He is totally capable of doing just that!
  • ALL spouses have to deal with and accept painful things and all spouses are sinned against and hurt. This is not an unusual case at all, my friend.
What this experience (and his sin against you) is doing, is bringing all of your true motives to the surface so that you can allow God to remove all the sin and refine your faith and purify your motives. It doesn’t matter who you married, God would use the problems, conflicts and difficulties to refine you like this.
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How is your time with God going?
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GRACE ALONE’S EMAIL

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I don’t feel like I even know what love is anymore. I don’t know how to trust God – I’m so scared.

I feel like God let me down.

I was the girl who had very high standards, when guys asked me on a date, if I didn’t think they could be a potential husband for me, I wouldn’t go. I was waiting for the “right one.”

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I thought God clearly told me this man was, indeed, that right one, but now I don’t know anything anymore. My husband was the only guy I entered a courtship with. I sat there in premarital counseling listening to him say that he would want kids, and how leading his family spiritually was so important to him. I feel like I was let down by God and by my husband.

  • I always think, here I am, the girl who tried to make all the right choices, and I ended up like this.

I see others blessed in their lives and marriages, and I cannot help but feel like God is punishing me. Every time I think I should spend time with God, I start questioning everything – does God care, does He love me, is He working on my husband?  Millions or questions go thru my head to the point that often I end up not even having a quiet time or at least a good one. If the way a husband loves his wife is supposed to portray an image of God’s love towards us, than I don’t feel very loved at all. I am the girl who is always counseling others and pointing them to God, but I have no idea where to even begin myself. I feel like I’m in one deep depression with no sign of the slightest deliverance. I’m sorry if I am repeating myself. I’m so thankful God led me to blog. I desperately needed someone to talk to.

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ANOTHER EMAIL FROM GRACEALONE:

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Thank you for sending the post “God, Don’t Waste My Time.” It ministered to me.
What I felt like God was showing me was that far too long, I have put other things before Him – including my marriage. I have a lot of idols.  You are right when you say my relationship with God has been suffering – it has.
I realize that I, like you in the beginning, go thru all the right motions without any actions to back it up. I do want to start honoring God in my marriage and I know I need to spend more time with Him. My goal would be to try to get up an hour earlier and have a quiet time. Please pray for me- as this is hard.

Yesterday, I asked my husband if he still loved me – he couldn’t answer. He said that it is hard to separate all the accumulated anger he feels towards me over the past few years.

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For me, It seems almost unbearable to try to “respect” him when I don’t even know if he loves me or not. Nevertheless, I want to try. I told my husband that I want to change… He sarcastically laughed and said, “Yeah, right, I have heard that before. The fact of the matter is that neither of us will probably ever change.”
  • He is right- I have tried changing before and I seem to always go back to my same old ways.
I am worried about telling my husband I want to change “sticking to it for three days” as he says, and then reverting back. I don’t want that to happen. I also feel like I am having a very hard time even being generally motivated in life. I don’t feel like cleaning my house I feel very tired, I don’t feel like exercising, or trying to eat right- etc etc etc.
I don’t know how to live a life that is not driven by my emotions because that is all I have ever known. Letting go of kids completely, seems impossible to me. I want to try… I just am afraid it will be very short lived.
Thank you for being such a blessing and ministry in my life right now. You will never know how grateful I am. 
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FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
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WOOHOO!!!!
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This is exactly what I prayed would happen – that God would begin to convict you of your idols and that you would be willing to surrender to Him and to begin to do things His way. 🙂  THANK YOU, GOD!
A few suggestions (my own personal opinions, for whatever they are worth):
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1. Do not ask your husband if he still loves you. That means that you are probably putting your security and identity still in him and that you are looking to him for acceptance and safety instead of to Christ.  Your words about the marriage and spiritual things are probably going to be destructive right now. I Peter 3:1-6 is your assignment. Your power is not in words at all, but in learning to allow God’s Spirit to empower and change you in a radical way and in showing genuine respect, honor and godly unconditional love to your husband no matter what he does or does not do.
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Your husband is DEEPLY wounded – as wounded or more wounded than you are. (GraceAlone shared a number of disrespectful things she has said/done in the past 4 years when we met this week. Some of them have created MASSIVE damage to her husband’s soul and this marriage.) Please focus on what you can do to bless him, not how you want him to meet your needs. He is so wounded right now, he may not be able to meet your needs. One day, when he is stronger, he may be able to. Right now, my prayer is that you will allow God to heal you and allow God to work through you to begin to heal your husband, too.
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2. I’m glad you apologized to him. Awesome.  But – don’t apologize any more, is my suggestion – unless there is a new disrespectful or sinful thing that you did. Then apologize without any explanation or justification of yourself.
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3. This is going to be a LONG, LONG process. Like a year or several years. Maybe longer. That is a good thing. It forces you to refine your motives even when it seems like your husband is not changing.  Your husband is going to be skeptical at first. That is normal. Thankfully, you are not depending on him but on Christ from now on, so it doesn’t really matter what he says or feels – I hope that makes sense. His feelings matter. What he wants is important. Listen to him. Care about what he says. Honor his leadership. But what ultimately matters is what God says and to seek to please God.  That is all that matters. That is all you are responsible for. You are only responsible for yourself, your sin and your obedience to God. We will trust God to take care of your husband in His timing.  So, you are going to have to put your own desires on the back burner for awhile because your husband is so wounded, commit your needs and desires and dreams to Christ – and focus on obeying God and blessing your husband. Not to get anything in return, just to love him with the love of Christ and to bless him. God is plenty able to change your husband’s feelings as He changes you. But even if He does not, you can trust God and seek to live for Him alone.
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4. I would recommend starting in John with a chapter a day or so. And, I would recommend reading at least one post on my blog, if not several, each day.  I suggest starting a list of all the things you admire/respect about your husband and add to it every change you get. Take that list with you into your prayer closet. And start a list of all of your sin and take that list with you, too. Pray for God to change you and bless your husband. Don’t demand that God change your husband right now. God will handle him. Right now, it is time for you to get out of God’s way so that your husband can begin to hear God’s voice again. And the only way to do that is for you to obey God for your end of things.
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5. God is sovereign. He is able to give you children if it is His will. He is able to change your circumstances, your husband’s heart and all of that. It is a small thing for him to do that. He may allow you to have children later. I don’t know. Your job is to be sure that you are able to lay that dream down and be content even if you don’t have children.
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Your job is to find all of your contentment in Christ, not in your husband, in feeling loved, in having your way, in “worldly happiness” or in having children.
Please understand, idolatry always destroys and brings death. Sin always brings death.
Desiring children is a good thing. Children are a blessing. But – they are not more important than Christ and they are not more important than your marriage covenant and they are not more important than your obedience to God and your walk with Him.
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  • Children (in and of themselves) do not bring contentment and satisfaction. I can promise you that!
  • Husbands (in and of themselves) do not bring contentment and satisfaction.
  • Only Jesus can bring true contentment and satisfaction.

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As you surrender yourself fully to Him, saying, “Not my will but Yours be done” and as you rest in His love and sovereignty – you can be content as you trust Him to do what is ultimately best for you and your husband and what will ultimately bring glory to Himself.

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6. Your motivation has to be to please Christ and to be a godly steward of your body, your time, your marriage and all of your resources. Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God! That is your motivation! You will stand before Christ very shortly when this life is over – your motivation is that you want to hear Him say, “Well done, My good and faithful servant.” He has called you to fulfill His purposes for you. You are His servant. When He asks you to do anything, your answer is, “Yes, Lord!” He gave all of Himself for you – now, you give all of yourself fully to Him. It is an adventure every day to see what He will show you and teach you and what He might do. He gives good things and good surprises and even all of our suffering is a tool in His hand to make us more like Christ. You cannot lose!  If good things happen, God is behind them and He will use them to bless you and cause you to grow. If bad things happen, God will use them to bless you and cause you to become more mature and complete, lacking nothing. You cannot lose when you are abiding in Christ. That is the best place in the world to be – in the center of His will. That is where there is overflowing love, joy, peace, fulfillment, purpose, acceptance, security and power.
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Much love to you!
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