A Wife Begins to Truly Trust God and Let Go of Fear

Mile High bridge at Grandfather Mountain
Mile High bridge at Grandfather Mountain, NC

From a precious wife in whom God is doing a mighty work! She is married to a man who is believer in Christ (they don’t have major issues in their marriage like abuse, infidelity, addictions, etc…). I so appreciate her willingness to allow me to share a bit of her journey with y’all. I love to share stories from all kinds of wives in every stage of this amazing journey we are sharing together with Christ.

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I do feel that God is doing a huge work in my life, and I am so grateful. It is very exciting, even though not easy.

There are three things that God showed to me very clearly that I would also like to share with you.

1. He showed me that all my fears and insecurities and control addiction are due to the fact that I don’t trust Him to take care of me:

In reality it is God that I think of as being responsible for my father failing me, and for every other spiritual authority (like spiritual father) failing me, because it is God who placed them in my life. That is why, knowing that He chose my husband for me doesn’t comfort me. I feel He has left me uncovered and unprotected when I most needed it. Of course, I didn’t know I was feeling like that, but He revealed it to me, He told me this is the root of the problem, and this is what He is working to heal.

1 John 4:18

2. He showed me that He is the highest authority in my life, above any other authority he placed over me, by that meaning that – He is not compromising the plans of blessing He has for me just because the people in my life who were supposed to help me, didn’t.

He did place these people in my life to bless me, but sometimes people don’t respond to God’s calling or they just make mistakes, because this is a fallen world. However, He sees and He knows what has happened and He plans to restore me completely as if I had never found my self in an disadvantaged situation. He, Himself can be for me the father, the pastor… or anyone else I feel that wasn’t there for me, including my husband, if my husband were to fail me.

He did call my husband to respond to his role as a spiritual leader, and He will work in my husband to make him a godly spiritual leader. However, I need to lay down
my expectations and make a decision that even in the worst case scenario…

Even if I face another disappointment by another spiritual authority in my life, God will meet me where I am and somehow – (I don’t know how) – He will cover that gap in my life.

That will help me lay down my idols about how my husband should be, help me accept him unconditionally, and see him as a gift and not as someone who is about to fail me all the time. That will also remove the pressure from him and take his focus off of how I might judge and reject him all the time.

I think that God is asking me to let Him show me that He can be for me everything that people failed to be in my life in the past, so that I can trust Him for the future as well, that He is going to be everything I need.

It is indeed a long journey and I need to take it just one day at a time. I have been starting to feel hopeful! I do have my ups and downs, and some days are harder than others, sometimes I just feel terrified. But I think that my heart has started to feel hopeful expectation about what God will do in my marriage and in my life in general. I am starting to see the potential of change of my self and my perspective about my husband and marriage. I think that when you try to take the first step in obeying and honoring God, He steps in to help you make it. I’m starting with baby steps to let God change one thing at a time.

I want to go through the pain of recovery because it does brings results and makes the next step a little easier every time. And it is so worth it because it leads you to His peace and freedom. I’m not there yet completely, but I am starting to see the light at the end of this long tunnel. I am learning to trust Him one baby step at a time.

(God’s design for Spiritual Authority in our lives)

3. I have always heard and thought, and I believe it to be true, that our earthly fathers represent God in our lives and we perceive God as a Father by the way they respond to this role. I have felt very disadvantaged to find myself in a place where I need to discover who God is – as a Father – for me, all by myself because my dad didn’t respond to his role. You know…feeling like my life got started all wrong just because my father hurt me and that is going to affect me for the rest of my life inevitably!

But God showed me that before my father, He was my Father. Even more precisely, before my father, HE IS my Father. The beginning of my life wasn’t when I was conceived and born by my parents, my beginning was way before that, when I was conceived in my Father’s heart and plans. That is when it all started for me. He is my real Dad.

(Romans 8:14-16)

A STORY – I RESPONDED IN A NEW WAY TO MY HUSBAND

The other day my husband and I were talking about a financial decision he made, and we both knew he had to make it in a short time. I had let him know that it’s up to him to decide but when he finally told me what he actually decided, I started feeling all the well-known fearful and disappointed feelings that I do every time I think I would have done some thing differently than he did!

I tried not to say much (and that’s also progress by the way!) but couldn’t hide my disappointment and concern, and suddenly my husband became gloomy and sad and started telling me how he feels pressured about me thinking that he has made the wrong decision all the time.

It was such a wonderful morning until this conversation. So, I started thinking what would be the right way for me to handle this. He was responsible to make the decision. He was trying to make it wisely so, even if I thought he made a mistake, I should trust God with it and let it go. Letting go is always the problem for me, I don’t want to let go, I want to control. But this time I thought, there’s nothing I can do, I can ask God to take over this issue and enjoy the day with my husband or I can stay miserable and ruin the rest of our day.

So I said to my husband, “It is ok. Even if you had made a mistake, God will show us.”

I couldn’t believe these words were coming out of my mouth! My husband said: “This is the way I want you to react.” He didn’t say that with anger, but with pain and I realized how hard it must have been on him to constantly feel the pressure of my judgement and control. It was really an important moment.

The other day, I apologized to my husband for all the pressure I have been putting on him about his spiritual growth and decision-making. I made it clear that I am not completely changed yet, but I want to change. Maybe that move will help me keep myself accountable about how I handle situations from now on.

SHARE:

If you want to share a story from your journey about something God has shown you – we’d love to hear it! I may even share your story anonymously in a post or in a book in the future.

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The Fantasy of Romance

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This is probably going to sound a bit extreme.  It is certainly up to you what  you do with this area of your life.   I am not saying you must do what I do.

But I am saying – this is something to think about and pray about.

“Everything is permissible for me – but not everything is beneficial.”  I Corinthians 6:12

I, personally, gave up romantic movies, romantic novels and love songs.

WHY,  you ask?

There is not necessarily anything wrong with some of these types of media…

BUT –

I ended up feeling deprived, resentful and/or jealous of the emotions the character gets to feel and the romance she has in these books and movies…  I started creating expectations that my real life man would treat me like the men in books, movies and songs do … then I got myself into trouble.

  • This can be an issue for me even with Christian novels that are rated G.
  •  It can be a problem with Disney movies.
  • It can even be an issue if I am reading marriage books about what husbands are “supposed” to do, or listening to sermons about how husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for her.  In fact, I do better kind of skipping over the commands for husbands even in the Bible and just focusing on what God asks me to do.

Focusing on what I want my husband to do differently and how I want him to change can easily create great discontentment in my heart.  I do much better to focus on the good things in him and to joyfully accept what he offers me and who he is right now, today.  I also do much better just to focus on MY roles in marriage, not his, and focusing on my sin and my obedience to God, not his.

I try to remember that

“Expectations  are premeditated resentment.”

SO MANY OF US EXPECT REAL LIFE MEN TO THINK, FEEL and TALK LIKE THE ROMANTIC LEAD IN THE MOVIES OR IN NOVELS –

but these books and movies create an artificial reality – a fantasy.

In fact, some people would go so far as to say that romantic movies/books are “emotional porn” for women.

And then, if you start getting into erotica – well – then you are dealing with lust.  That is sin.  Pure and simple.  It contaminates your mind, hurts your fellowship with God and distorts your expectations of what sex and intimacy should be like in marriage.

WHY?  ISN’T THAT A BIT HARSH?

PORN AND MEN

Well, porn teaches men to expect things of women physically, sexually and emotionally that are not real – that don’t represent actual women.  In fact, the more deeply a man goes into porn, the less satisfied he becomes with his real flesh and blood wife.  It can actually get to the point where a man cannot be aroused by his own wife, or any real woman – but only by increasingly hard core levels of porn.  Porn destroys marriages.

It sets up unrealistic expectations and delivers an ungodly outlet for sexuality.

It works like a drug, giving the user a huge hit of dopamine exactly like illicit drugs do.  Porn takes a man’s eyes and then it takes his heart.  He actually bonds with it instead of his wife.  It can be pretty difficult for a wife to respect a husband when he withholds himself from her in order to give himself to images of other women.  THAT HURTS DEEPLY.  Wives are understandably left with huge amounts of disrespect, resentment and bitterness.  That bitterness/resentment  also destroys marriages.

ROMANTIC MOVIES/BOOKS/SONGS

Romantic movies and books teach women to expect men to be something emotionally, verbally and romantically that doesn’t represent real men accurately.  These things set up false expectations and contribute greatly to covetousness, discontentment, lack of gratitude and ultimately  – to disrespect for our men.  Women also have a cocktail of “feel good” hormones that surge when we read about romance or watch something romantic.

We can become so in love with the idea of “Hollywood romance” in a world of fantasy that we can’t be satisfied by real romance in real life with a real man.

The other important issue to consider here is that these types of media promote worldliness and the pleasures of the flesh, not to mention they often depict and promote sin (depending on the particular book/movie).  As disciples of Christ, we are no longer friends with the world, but friends with God.  We are not to be polluted by the world anymore, but to have our eyes on things above.

HERE IS HOW ONE WIFE PUT IT:

I think this is a far bigger problem than is acknowledged. It is extremely important for women to guard their ability to be satisfied, to be pleased with what they have. Romance novels feed desires that have no outlet in real life. I avoid them for this reason. 

In marriage, a wife must learn to feed her gratitude, not her lust.

All romance should be owned by her husband, no matter how romantic he may or may not be. Otherwise you are cultivating a taste for other men (real or imagined).

Women complain all of the time about the way porn creates expectations for women that are unreasonable.

Romance novels and movies train a woman’s mind to want a dominant man who can magically guess what will please her and lead her to it before she has to say anything- and he is a top man, wealthy, handsome and he chose her! This is not the way it works in a Christian marriage. This is not the way it works in real life. This does not help Christian women properly value their husbands and the sacrifice and love that they show their wives and families.

Marriage is great at putting things in their proper place. A man gets sex from his one source, not from a constant flow of variety. Women get romance and leadership from one man, but it may not be exactly the way she wants it all of the time. She may actually just get the bare minimum in terms of dominance and romance and that is actually okay- if she can learn to be happy with that.

Romance novels are a way that a woman can be manipulated into feeling her leadership is necessary because if her husband was good at it, like the men in books are, he would be making her feel the way that the men in the books do. Of course this mainly operates at a subconscious level… but when you have weaned yourself from any artificial source of romance, it becomes clearer to you how it massively manipulates your romantic desires.

Supersizing of desire is a real problem.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

Many times, romantic movies/books help women create an idol of “feeling loved” or “feeling in love” that becomes the standard by which she measures men.

Feeling loved and being “in love” are awesome.  But when they become your entire goal – or these things become more important to you than the man you love, or more important than knowing and pleasing Christ – that is a HUGE problem.

If I think, “I MUST feel loved in this certain way or I cannot be happy and I am willing to do whatever it takes to get what I want…”  That is a BIG problem!

True contentment can be found only in Christ Jesus alone.  If I think I need something other than Him to be content – I need to allow God to search my heart.  There is very likely sin going on.

APPLICATION:

For me, anything that contributes to a spirit of discontentment, self-righteousness, pride, jealousy or unrealistic expectations has to go.  I don’t need help stumbling into sin!   I am perfectly capable of doing that on my own without any assistance.

Now, if I do happen to see a Disney movie or something, I am able to filter it and dissect the messages it is sending.  I still have to hear love songs when I work – don’t have a choice about that.  But I dissect the messages of those lyrics and compare them to Scripture and God’s truth.  I don’t even have a desire to read fiction anymore myself.  You know what?  I have so many more important things to do in the kingdom of God, so many ways I want to get to know God more intimately and I want to focus my energy on the real life romance I have and being thankful for my own husband – that I just don’t have the time to spend on fiction.

I personally would much rather spend my time in God’s Word, reading the ultimate Love Letter from Him.  That is seriously  MUCH more exciting than fictional romance to me now!

What about you?

Ask God to help you see your motives when you read and watch these things.  Ask Him to purify your heart and expectations to line up with His standards instead of lining up your heart with Hollywood.  Ask Him to give you wisdom about if there are things that may need to go from your life so that you can be more prepared to receive real riches and treasures.

If you can watch or read these things and not have any temptations – awesome!  But if you do have temptations to sin, then it is time to evaluate if this is a beneficial and God-honoring activity.

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