It’s Time for You to Become the Woman God Created You to Be!

woman in gray dress in front of a building

Let me invite you into a story that is all about you. It is about your hopes, fears, dreams, and frustrations. It is about where you are right now and how to get from where you are to where you really want to go.

As a woman, you probably long for several core things:

  • Security—You want to know you are safe emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, and in every way. You want to know your identity is firm and that your life is built on something unshakeable no matter what storms may come.
  • To Be Known—You want intimacy with someone who deeply understands you, fully knows you, and accepts you. You want to have strong, healthy, vibrant relationships— with your husband, with your children, with God, and even with yourself.
  • Unconditional Love—You want to know that you are cherished, important, special, and loved just because you are you, no matter what happens.
  • Empowerment—You want to be the best version of yourself. You want to be an incredible blessing on your husband, your family, coworkers, friends, and neighbors. You want to make a huge impact on the world for good and leave a wonderful legacy that will matter forever. You want to be an important part of a bigger story.
Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

THE PROBLEM

Perhaps you feel insecure, misunderstood, unloved, and like you have no idea which way to go to make things better. Maybe you believe other people are the real cause of your pain. You have been depending on someone to meet your needs, maybe even your husband, and that person has failed you in some way.

The truth is, life can be really difficult. Relationships and marriage can be harder than we ever imagined they could be.

You feel like you have tried so hard to make things work, but you don’t know what to do. You’ve read books. You’ve talked to girl friends. You may have even tried a counselor or mentor. And you are still disappointed.

Some people will tell you to wait on your husband—or other people— to change first. But…

A real hero knows that she can’t afford to wait on someone else.

Time is short. There is a crisis. Someone has to step up and be courageous and strong—now.

Of course, you may not see yourself as a hero… yet. You may be filled with self-doubt, fears, anxiety, and a feeling that you are just not very well-equipped for the whole marriage thing, or even for life, in general.

You may have come to the humbling place where you realize you can’t fix or save anyone else. And you can’t even fix or save yourself.

What are you supposed to do with that?!?

Photo by Lacie Slezak on Unsplash

YOUR ENEMY

You may be tempted to think that your enemy is your husband, your in-laws, that hateful coworker, or some other person. But the Bible shows us that people are not actually our enemies. Our primary enemies are unseen in the spiritual realm.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Eph. 6:10

There really is someone who is trying to destroy your life and your family. He hides himself pretty well in our culture, but his work is evident all around us.

He has been covertly feeding us toxic lies through other people, books, media, our culture, and even our own fallen nature about God, marriage, masculinity, femininity, and ourselves. Many of us have inadvertently built our core beliefs on these lies and we don’t know why our lives are so painful and dysfunctional.

We don’t realize that we built our marriages and our lives on a shaky foundation and that is why when the storms of life pound us, things fall apart.

I’VE GOT JUST THE PLAN YOU NEED

Every hero needs a boost, of course. We all need someone who has been in the trenches where we are and has overcome adversity and who understands the baby steps it takes to get to victory. We need someone with a solid plan to show us the way we should go.

It’s good that we get to the place we realize we need help desperately, that we can’t do this whole life or marriage thing on our own. This humility and brokenness is the door that opens our hearts to the narrow path that God has prepared for us.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me.”

John 14:6

I want to see your life of frustration, isolation, loneliness, helplessness, and pain transform to one of confidence, contentment, empowerment in Christ, peace, joy, and all the spiritual abundance God has prepared for you.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

John 10:10

If you are ready to be a hero in your own real-life adventure story, I’d love to show you the way.

The 4-Step Peace Plan

This plan is a simple pathway to show you how you can enter into the heroic life God has for you and experience real peace with God, with others (as far as it depends on you), and with yourself.

  1. Look upward—Set your gaze on Jesus Christ in total awe and yield yourself fully to His Lordship in faith. Step down off of the throne of your life and let the Prince of Peace, Jesus, rule your heart and mind.
  2. Look inward— Invite God to help you crucify your old sinful nature with Jesus and give you a new identity, His Spirit, His love, and new Life.
  3. Look outward—Receive Jesus’ eyes and heart for others to love them with His divine love and power and to speak His life and blessing into their lives, including in your marriage.
  4. Look forward—Watch Jesus turn your pain, trials, and difficult relationships into beauty for your ultimate good, a blessing for others, and His greatest glory. And look forward most of all to eternity in heaven with Him and everyone who loves Him forever!

You can choose to have a saving relationship with Jesus today to begin finding life-changing spiritual healing  and hope.

You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.

Isaiah 26:3

YOUR DEEPEST NEEDS ARE SATISFIED IN CHRIST ALONE

When you build your thinking, your heart, your core beliefs, and your identity on Jesus, He fills you up with all you were lacking. He, alone, can truly give you the things you desire so deeply in an intimate, personal, spiritual relationship with Him.

In Jesus, you are completely secure and unshakeable. You are fully known and completely loved unconditionally. And you are empowered with a new nature, a new life, and a new Spirit to become the very best version of yourself that God created you to be.

He meets the deepest needs of your heart that no human can ever meet. He is the only one who can truly complete us and heal us to the core.

THEN IT’S YOUR TURN TO BE A HERO FOR OTHERS

Jesus will even empower you to be an instrumental part of His heroic plan to help set many other miserable captives free so that they can come into His kingdom, as well! What an incredible honor to be part of His work and miracles in other people’s lives!

In coming posts, I plan to share more details about each step of this plan and how you can grow like crazy in the Lord.

SHARE:

You’re welcome to share in the comments! <3

If you can’t see the comment box because you are on the home page, just scroll back up to the title of the post and click on it. Then if you scroll to the bottom of the post, you can enter a comment.

MY RESOURCES FOR YOU

Why try to reinvent the wheel when you could benefit from the years I have already spent and learn from my failures and successes and other wives’ stories that I share? Join thousands of other women from around the world whose lives have been changed by the power of God as they read about the treasures God has shown me on my 11 year journey.

I want to see Jesus heal as many women and miraculously change as many lives as possible!

  • Sign up for my free blog so you don’t miss a post!
  • Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for women for free encouragement and tips at “April Cassidy
  • Check out my books – For the cost of one lunch date with a friend, I share all the secret baby steps you need and all the wisdom I have learned over many years of thousands of hours of study, prayer, journaling, and wrestling with the Lord, myself. You can save yourself a lot of time, frustration, and spinning your wheels if you learn from my mistakes. And you can get to the really good stuff a whole lot faster. My desire is that I might put the dots much closer together for those who come behind me than they were for me. I don’t want it to take 3 years for things to click for you like it took for me!

Don’t take my word for it, read the reviews!

The Peaceful Wife—Living in Submission to Christ As Lord – God’s design for us as wives and women that I wish I understood 25 years ago when Greg and I first got married.

The Peaceful Mom—Building a Healthy Foundation with Christ As Lord How to have peace with God, with yourself, with your thoughts, and with others. Ideal for moms but also a huge blessing to women in any season of life.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES FOR WOMEN

Measuring Intimacy

(NOTE – This post is not for wives experiencing severe issues in their marriages – like infidelity, a very controlling husband, an abusive husband, a husband who is not in his right mind due to mental illness/drug abuse/alcohol abuse, etc… If you are in such a situation, please seek appropriate one-on-one help and godly counsel.)

I used to try to use the frequency of intimacy, date nights,  deep discussions/emotional connection, or the frequency of loving emails from my husband to measure the quality of our marriage and to attempt to measure Greg’s love for me. When I saw that we had a day with one or more of these things, I would mentally check things off on my list and conclude – “Check, check, check. Yes! Our marriage is awesome! We are close and everything is good. Greg obviously loves me today!”

I thought I was “more secure” in his love if he did these things on my list.

I didn’t count the things that I didn’t think of as being loving – things like Greg taking my car to get new tires, renovating the house, helping with the children, taking care of the yard, taking out the trash, sitting beside me and cuddling quietly while he watched TV, eating supper with me, coming home right away to be with me, etc…

The next day or the next week, if there was nothing to check off (in the specific way that I counted things), then I was upset. My emotions were at the mercy of what Greg did or did not do for me on my narrow checklist.

The problem is – real intimacy isn’t about checklists.

It isn’t about a formula. It isn’t about me sitting back and expecting to be catered to and holding a checklist over my husband every moment to make sure he is doing the things I want him to do. It isn’t about me being entitled. It isn’t about something that is necessarily measurable or something that could be charted on a graph each week or each month.

I am not a boss doing a job performance review. I am not a kindergarten teacher monitoring and judging his behavior – giving him a smiley face or a frowny face each day.

I mean, there can be SOME value in realizing, “We are not talking, not having physical intimacy, and not doing anything together at all for weeks on end.” That means there is a problem – unless you are in a major crisis at the time or under very severe stress. So – yes – it can be good to be aware if things suddenly plummet and seek to address any issues.

Real intimacy is about a relationship with a person who is unique and who has his own feelings, issues, problems, triumphs, challenges, and baggage. It is about seeking to understand my husband better and to discover his perspective and his masculinity. It is about us getting to know each other and being a safe place for each other. It is about creating a harbor of peace and a sanctuary where authenticity and vulnerability are cherished and protected. It is about allowing him to be himself. It is about enjoying each other.

In real intimacy:

  • There is freedom. We both have free will to make our own decisions. Neither tries to control or dominate the other.
  • There is joy in being together and getting to know each other’s worlds and explore each other’s minds, hearts, perspectives, and bodies.
  • I understand that my husband always feels connected to me and bonded with me unless I say that I don’t feel connected. So I am free to rest in his love for me – even when it is unspoken. (Perhaps your husband feels the same way?)
  • I enjoy and appreciate what he gives me.
  • I learn to understand and marvel at the ways he shows love to me.
  • I approach my husband and his masculine world with wide-eyed wonder at the opportunity to get a glimpse into his world.
  • I share my feelings, needs, perspective, desires, and concerns respectfully and lovingly in a way that honors Christ and my husband.
  • If I think he acted or spoke in an unloving way – I do not take offense immediately – but rather seek to understand his perspective in order to avoid making wrong assumptions.
  • I am not afraid to be with my husband or to be away from my husband.
  • I am stable when he is there and when he is gone – because my emotional/spiritual well-being depends on Christ every moment of every day, not on my husband.
  • There is some healthy emotional/spiritual space between myself and my husband.
  • I share my feelings simply and let them go. I ask for what I would like simply, briefly, without pressure or coercion. I don’t have to use guilt/manipulation/playing the martyr. I know my husband can hear me when I speak my concerns and emotions simply and briefly. I trust he will think about what I said and seek to do what is best.
  • I know how to confront my husband if necessary about sin in his life in a godly, productive, Spirit-filled way.

Now I realize that if I am more focused on being able to chart or check off things to prove to myself that my husband loves me – I have some motive checking to do in my own heart with God.

  • Am I trying to find my fulfillment or security in what Greg does for me?
  • Am I expected Greg to fulfill the deepest needs of my heart that only God can really fulfill?
  • How do I respond when he doesn’t do what I want him to and I can’t check off my list? Do I respond with resentment or bitterness?
  • Am I content in Christ alone?
  • Am I finding all of my fulfillment, acceptance, love, peace, strength, purpose, power, and identity in Christ Jesus alone?

When I stop idolizing my husband and put Christ alone on the throne of my heart – I am free! I am free to engage in intimacy on every level and to enjoy it with my husband. But I am also free to be content and stable emotionally/spiritually if my husband is not available to do things with me that I would enjoy or if he slips up and has a moment (or even a season) of being imperfect and human. I can be content when my husband does loving things for me or when he doesn’t. I have received God’s grace, mercy, forgiveness, and unspeakable love so I have these things to give in abundance to my husband, who is my teammate and fellow traveler.

I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phil. 4:11b-13

RELATED:

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

Is My Husband Bound by My Personal Convictions?

25 Ways to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband Emotionally

Expectations

Security in Christ

“He Loves Me. He Loves Me Not.” – Finding Victory over Feelings of Insecurity

538452_3690323096561_1519779052_n

(This post is not for women whose husbands are abusive, are involved in unrepentant infidelity or criminal activity, are initiating divorce with their wives, have uncontrolled mental health problems, or have active addictions to drugs/alcohol right now.)

Thankfully, most husbands are relatively decent men who truly love their wives and long for their wives to be happy, even if their wives can’t always decode that message (Shaunti Feldhahn “For Women Only”).

A minister at our church taught a class the 7 basic needs of husbands and wives a few years ago. The greatest need of a wife, according to him, was – security. I would have to agree!

How easy it is to let our emotions begin to convince us that we are NOT secure in our husbands’ love, or in a thousand other ways.

Doesn’t the enemy know exactly how to strike at us in our thoughts and how to tempt us? (Note – for some of you, the examples I am about to share may be triggers – if you know that this might be the case for you, skip down to the next section with the heading in all caps!)

It’s SO EASY to start thinking things like:

  • My husband hasn’t emailed me in such a long time. I wonder why?
  • My husband barely compliments me.
  • I sent him that text an hour ago. Is he REALLY busy at work, or is he ignoring me?
  • Why didn’t he ever answer my message?
  • My husband never prays with me.
  • My husband doesn’t text me or flirt with me.
  • My husband seems to barely spend any time with me.
  • My husband said something hurtful to me 2 weeks ago. Maybe that is how he REALLY feels about me – even though he apologized. He probably didn’t really mean that apology.
  • So-and-so’s husband compliments her EVERY DAY. She is so lucky! Why can’t my husband be like that?
  • He seems way more interested in the computer, the TV, the tablet, or his video games than he seems interested in me.
  • Does he even love me?
  • Wouldn’t he talk with me and want to spend time with me and emotionally and spiritually connect with me if he really loved me!??!!
  • I feel like he is so far away emotionally and spiritually. Maybe that is because he IS far away emotionally and spiritually. My feelings are probably right! Maybe he really doesn’t love me as much as I love him!?!?!

THIS IS THE PATH TO AN AVALANCHE OF OUT OF CONTROL EMOTIONS, MY DEAR SISTERS!

It is easy to focus on the things we want that we are not getting and to ignore the fact that our husbands did a number of loving things for us in recent weeks.

It is also easy to compare our husbands to other men – whose lives  (and sins and weaknesses) we really know little about. If I am not careful, I might totally forget that he filled up my tank with gas, took the kids to the doctor for me, made supper that night that I wasn’t feeling well, called out our child for disrespecting me, or cuddled happily with me while he watched TV several nights this week (for example).

The negative thoughts just spiral and snowball until we are in a full blown panic attack – convinced that we are alone and unloved in the world. This can happen even with women whose husbands truly do love them dearly. It can happen to the strongest of us who are firmly abiding in Christ normally. If we focus on these fears and emotions – we will be overwhelmed and overcome by worry and anxiety. Then – we will respond to our husbands in a desperate, needy way as we look to them to meet our deepest needs (rather than Christ) – not a Spirit-filled way. This is the path to idolizing our husbands.

I think we are all prone to this kind of attack at times.

The question is – do we trust our unstable feelings and negative emotions and wallow in these awful feelings of despair and hopelessness – or do we trust God’s Word and depend on Christ and rest in our husbands’ love?

WHERE IS MY SECURITY?

I can tell you where it is NOT. It is not in:

– my changing emotions.

– my husband.

– what my husband does or does not do for me.

– my circumstances.

– my negative assumptions about my husband or God.

– in my thorough analysis of my situation and emotions.

in my imagination, my over-thinking, or my worrying.

MY SECURITY IS IN CHRIST ALONE!!!

I can drive myself insane with all of my “what ifs?” and by trying to make uneducated assumptions about my husband’s motives. I can be really, really wrong if I try to do this. For me, instead of believing my feelings and the questions that want to push me toward insecurity – I have to consciously reject those feelings and thoughts and turn to Christ and the truth of His Word as well as the truth I know for sure about my husband.

I need to tell myself things like (please modify the details according to your particular husband and write out your own list in your prayer journal):

RELATED:

Posts about Fear

Posts about Insecurity

Posts about Security in Christ

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

The Idol of Happiness

I Don’t Have to Be the Most Beautiful Woman in the Room