Finding God’s Victory over Bitterness

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Yesterday, we looked at many of the causes, signs and consequences of bitterness – if you missed that post, you can find it here.

I have discovered that I have to dig down deeply and examine all of my angry thoughts, write down exactly why I am upset and then compare my thoughts to the truth of God’s Word and trash the things I am thinking and believing that aren’t true. (But I need to throw away the list of wrongs I have suffered after I have examined them!)  I also need to identify all of my sinful reactions and repent of each individual sin towards each individual person and memory that contains the smallest root of bitterness.  I realize now that even old memories from long ago need to be uprooted and inspected for hidden traces of bitterness to get all of that before God and remove even the smallest particles – or it will fester.  I lay still before God on the operating table as He opens up my heart and examines every dark crevice. I need God to renew my mind by the power of His truth and His Word.  I must take each thought captive for Christ and allow Him to examine my heart and mind and extract every offensive way in me.  I desperately need time in His Word daily and time in confession of my own myriads of sins daily and time praising and thanking Him. I pray we will be sensitive to God’s Spirit and able to hear His voice:

  • pride – “I am better than so and so.”  “I would NEVER do what he/she did.”  “I am so much more spiritually mature than him.”  I have to ALWAYS be on the lookout for pride.  God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble.  James 4:6 Pride is a HUGE source of fuel for bitterness in my heart.  “I deserve better.”  “I know better than her what we should do.”  “I am not that sinful.”  “He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”  “I am above THAT sin.”  “He/she is SO spiritually weak to fall into THAT temptation.”  “That is unforgivable.  I will NOT forgive that!”
  • ungodly motives – I am VERY SINFUL and wicked on my own.  I am in desperate need of Jesus! I have to constantly check WHY I want to do things and allow God to expose sin, pride, desire for glory for myself, selfishness, and many other sins!  The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?  Jeremiah 17:9  I can easily be blind to my own sinful motives.  I need God to show me my sin, and other believers and other people to tell me the sin they see in me.
  • unforgiveness – Jesus commands us to forgive so that God will forgive us.  Matthew 6:14-15  Unforgiveness is HUGE sin in the  sight of our holy God.
  • gossip – usually born from my pride and wanting to prove how much better I am than someone.  MORE PRIDE!  Gossip is part of the fruit of the flesh, it is NEVER of God!  What are my motives when I am sharing stories about others?  Am I looking out for their best and for God’s glory?  Or am I trying to make them look bad and make myself look wise,  am I trying to hurt the person and ruin his/her reputation and turn others against them or using their sins/errors for entertainment?
  • fear – I need to think about God’s Word and that perfect love drives out all fear, and that the only One I truly need to fear is God – “what can man do to me?”  If I have God’s power in me and His Spirit filling me, He will give me the strength, courage and wisdom to handle another person’s sin in His way for His glory.  I don’t have to be afraid of another person’s attempts to control me, their disapproval, their unkind words, their anger.  If I am paralyzed by fear, I am not trusting God.  I have a lack of faith in His sovereignty and power to work in my life.  Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. Hebrews 11:6  I don’t have to be swayed by sinful attempts of others to control me.  I don’t have to get upset or react sinfully myself.  I am no longer a slave to sin!  Now I am a slave to Christ!  I may calmly respond in the power of the Holy Spirit and refuse to cooperate with sin and ask God to give me His love for them. (If someone is violent towards you or threatening you physical harm, please do not trust your safety to them.  You may need to get away, may need to involve the police.  Please find godly, local, experienced counsel if you are in physical danger!)  I can forgive, but I don’t have to trust until the person earns my trust back.  But I need to desire to work towards reconciliation as far as it depends on me and God working in me.
  • idolatry – wanting people’s approval, wanting to please people, wanting people to think I am perfect, expecting other people to make me be happy, demanding things of others, insisting on MY will, MY way, MY desires, MY goals, MY needs, MY feelings of being loved…  If I am giving other people power over my emotions and feelings and believing evil things they say, but ignoring what God’s Word says – I have a big problem!   It is what GOD says that matters – not what others say!  If their opinions and statements and condemnation don’t line up with scripture – I don’t hang onto their words! Just because someone says something about me, does not mean it is true.  It is up to me to take that statement to God and His Word and examine it.  There is no reason to blindly swallow poison from other people. If that person could act in spiritual maturity, love and wisdom – he/she would!  But right now that person may be held captive by sin or by the enemy – and may not be able to be the person God desires them to  be.  God may want to use me and His Spirit in me to show His love, mercy, kindness and grace to that person who is acting hatefully to draw him/her to Himself.  When others mistreat me – God is watching carefully!  There are many tests of my faith each day.  I pray we will hear God’s voice and honor Him!  My reaction to others’ sin reveals my character.  Other people cannot MAKE me fly into a rage.  God’s  Spirit is to be in control of me – not my sin nature!   If I am not seeking God’s will, His dreams, His goals, His presence, His righteousness, His Word, His power and His pleasure – I may be dealing with idolatry.
  • undealt with sin – if someone sinned against me, but I didn’t go to them in love and truth and tell them that they hurt me, I was wrong.  It is my responsibility to tell someone (calmly) if they wrong me.

Martha Pearce in The Excellent Wife has a chart  of Bitter Thoughts and Kind, Tender-hearted, Forgiving thoughts to replace the bitter thought.    This same concept can be applied to ANY relationship.  What a fantastic place to start!

She lists many of  the bitter thoughts wives think, and replaces it with a truth from scripture and with a kind thought.  What a  GREAT way to counter bitterness and find victory in Christ!

Verses she used for the godly thoughts:

Matthew 18:32-33, Matthew 19:6

Romans 8:28-29

I Corinthians 4:4-8, I Corinthians 6:11, I Corinthians 10:13

Colossians 3:2, 14

Ephesians 4

Philippians 2:3-4

I Peter 3:9

James 1:5

I John 1:9

SOME INSIGHTS FROM A FRIEND THIS WEEK:

I realized several things:

1. I am SO quick to get angry
2. My anger and bitterness toward them is not just about this one incident-this is just one more incident that can be added to the long list of wrongs that I’ve been keeping 🙁
3. The beauty of Christ cannot be seen in me if I’m pouting and angry
4. I need to forgive these people and treat them kindly
5. I have absolutely no desire in my flesh to do that right now
6. I desperately need the Lord to bring me to that place!
April, I think your right in saying bitterness is progressive, and just recently learned that forgiveness can also be progressive. In Tim Keller’s Galatians study, there’s chapter on forgiveness. This has been very helpful to me, and I think it can be applied to bitterness as well since they seem to go hand in hand. He states:
  “When someone has wronged you, it means they owe you; they have a debt with you. Forgiveness is to absorb the cost of the debt yourself. You pay the price yourself, and you refuse to exact the price out of the person in any way. Forgiveness means you free the person from penalty for a sin by paying the price yourself.
  
   Realize that forgiveness is granted (often for a long time) before it is felt. Forgiveness is not primarily a feeling, but a set of actions and disciplines. Forgiveness is a promise NOT to exact the price of the sin from the person who wronged you. This promise means a repeated set of ‘payments’ in which you relinquish revenge. It is hard, and (for a while) constant. If this promise is kept actively, eventually the feeling of anger subsides.”
 
   He goes on to quote Dan Hamilton from his book Forgiveness: “Forgiveness is to deal with our emotions by sending them away- by denying ourselves the dark pleasures of venting them or fondling them in our minds.”  “Once upon a time I was engaged to a young woman who changed her mind. I forgave her…but only in small sums over a year…They were made whenever I spoke to her and refrained from rehearsing the past, whenever I renounced  jealousy and self-pity, whenever I saw her with another man, whenever I praised her to others when I wanted to slice away at her reputation. Those were the payments- but she never saw them. And her own payment was unseen by me…but I do know that she forgave me…Forgiveness is more than a matter of refusing to hate someone. It is also a matter of choosing to demonstrate love and acceptance to the offender…Pain is the consequence of sin; there is no easy way to deal with it. Wood, nails, and pain are the currency of forgiveness, the love that heals.”
 
WOW! How powerful is that??? Sisters, I just wonder how quickly the bitterness we’re harboring would fade away if we would begin absorbing the costs ourselves. To refuse to dwell on past hurts, to take every thought captive the moment they pop into our head, to release the offender from our high expectations, to not find our satisfaction in the approval of men, to choose to show love to those that hurt us, to remember Christ absorbed the costs of our debts… There are so many ways to make payments…and it’s so HARD! But freedom awaits us on the other side of it! I pray that the Lord will soften my heart and bring me to the place where I am delighted to make the payments, where I LOOK for ways to do it, because I know there’s no way I can do it in my own power!
FROM PEACEFULWIFE:
We will explore more about forgiveness and victory over bitterness tomorrow!  I am SO excited to share God’s wisdom and His path to freedom, joy, peace and abundant life!

Is it Wise to be "Friends" with other Men?

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After my post Time to Nip that Relationship ASAP – I heard from a reader on my site www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com – and I am really excited to share her comments.   I think her message is IMPORTANT for Christian single women AND for Christian married women, too!  She is talking about being a single woman and how dangerous it is to be friends with unbelieving men.  But I want the married women to view this post from the perspective of whether it is God-honoring and wise for us to be friends with other men at all outside of our marriage.

I will share some of my thoughts at the end:

FROM A READER:
 
Might I add… because you know its wrong to date an unbeliever – you maintain you will remain just friends. Be Careful ! You may very well sincerely treat him as just a friend and keep your boundaries. But that is no guarantee of protection from attraction: if he is masculine and you have admiration for him and are sociable with him attraction can build over time.  Sometimes we think we are hiding our butterflies well by all the while insisting you want nothing more than friendship but he is not blind.   He can see you admire him and he’ll milk it for all its worth. All my guy friends have known whether I had a little crush on them: my face can’t hide it and I tend to smile a lot. I discovered personally if I open up to a male friend by talking a lot about every day life in general with frequency and over time I start to like them! : o
 
HOW WE GET HOOKED
 
Just a steady stream of frequent casual conversation makes me begin to bond with them and once I start confiding in them then exactly what you quoted happens:” he wants to “counsel” you or “guide” you in your life.”  So true: everything from how you should think, what you should do, career decisions, trying to bring up doubt about how you were raised, questioning your beliefs… spot on!!  Another area of caution: he may initially agree to be just friends; all the while hoping to become closer and win you over …. or later on over time he can be attracted to you as more than a friend. Familiarity breeds liking and boldness in men.
 
MY MOTIVES WERE PURE – HIS WEREN’T
 
I was chipper, bubbly and VERY conservative and restrained with this one guy who knew I am a Christian and date only Christians. I kept the friendship very pure and I knew he liked me……. Fast forward months after – I was gob-smacked when said guy tried to cop a feel of my breast while we were chatting on campus, then had the gall to try and kiss me as I hugged him (as I do all my friends make and female) to say goodbye!! I was livid!
 
Of course knowing that he doesn’t respect me and wanted ultimately to bed me –  our friendship died a natural death.  
 
HIS TACTICS
 
That former acquaintance said things like:
“If you don’t want me,  why don’t you leave me alone?”
 
When he asked to date me and I said no he got so angry….
“What, do you scorn me do you think I’m not good enough for you?”
 
This is even after I explained being why being unequally yoked is sin and that Christians are only able to stand because of grace and faith in the Lord Jesus
 
TRYING TO “WITNESS” TO A GUY CAN LEAD TO TEMPTATION FOR US
 
Him: – “What do you want from me”
Me: – “uh…… uhmmm I am just saying ‘hi.’ Did I do something wrong?”
Him – “what are you trying to do?  Save my soul?” >:(
 
Of course I responded ” I cannot save your soul, and I won’t try to, your relationship with God is a deeply personal matter. I can only show and tell you my experience and hope and wish and pray that you come into a saving knowledge of Christ.” We can be the best of friends as long as there is absolute purity.
 
I will never make the mistake of pressuring him or any guy to come to church in order to date me or try to play Holy Spirit Jr. What happens if there’s a breakup or by some twist of fate i were to grow lukewarm? Does he lose his faith? I want him to come to God for the right reasons. Even though at then end – he harshly rejected my friendship in a harsh, degrading manner I still pray about him and think of him hoping he’ll find his way back to Christ and that God will bless him and give him a wife, kids, a ministry a hope and a future.
 
NEW INSIGHTS
 
I sought God desperately about him.  I didn’t want to leave any room for error. I kept my Mom and youth leader as accountability partners. I prayed often and when I found myself getting infatuated, I said, “God if you don’t want him in my life, move him out.” He lived on nearby and sure enough months later he literally moved away to another city! I wondered how God would have worked it out. Well as it unravelled God prompted me ahead of time with dreams showing me his true character and any time I knew I was gonna bump into him I prayed and God covered me and prepared me.I really, reaaallly wanted to be his friend,- a hey can you do me a favour, sure buddy what is it kind of friend. It reminded me of David who was trying so desperately to be friends with Saul meanwhile Saul wanted to annihilate him.“See I am being nice to you/ kind to you… why do you resent my friendship? Why do you seek to insult me and bring me pain?” (insert pout)
God had to create a diversion a the rock of escape and moved Saul away so David could escape unharmed, Yes sometimes we are so blind and naive to people’s true intentions but God is merciful to us!

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I believed when I was first married that having male friends was totally fine. I thought I was safe because they knew I was married. And I thought I was above infidelity. Now that I am 39 years old and have a lot more experience under my belt and understand the deceitfulness of the human heart and the utter sinful wretchedness of every human being much more clearly – including my own – I know that I was extremely naieve and unwise in my beliefs.

Just like this reader discovered, I, too,  figured out in time that just because my motives are pure at the outset of a “platonic friendship” with a guy, that doesn’t mean my motives will stay pure.  I am vulnerable to developing feelings for men who are off limits to me – we all are.  And I don’t really know what the guy’s motives are – but even if his motives are pure in the beginning, he may develop an attraction to me – and that is a big problem!

Is it possible for men and women to have platonic friendships that don’t eventually turn into attraction or romantic/sexual feelings?  Maybe.

If your definition of “friendship” is just to smile and say, “Hi!” and only talk with him when your husband is around and you are not talking with him a lot, or you are friends on Facebook but only comment occasionally in public and never have private conversations – that might be ok – but still use great caution!  To me, this would be more of being a friendly acquaintance – not a friend you spend one-on-one time with or confide in.

In my mind – the risk of a moderate/deep friendship with a man is MUCH too great of a risk to take for married women.

I have seen in my own life, in my friends’ lives and many women I have heard from WAY too many times when the attraction eventually became an issue – even if it wasn’t at first.  And once you have those feelings of being “in love” – your heart and feelings will happily deceive and mislead you and you will be willing to rationalize all kinds of reasons why it’s ok to talk with/spend time with/get cozy with this other man. It is a very slippery slope to adultery.  God’s Word tells us to FLEE from sexual immorality.

CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS WITH OTHER MEN ARE NOT WORTH IT IN MY BOOK!

Satan wants to take us down.  And he would be VERY happy to do this by bringing a handsome, funny, magnetic, charming, sympathetic, understanding, attractive – maybe even godly – man into our lives who will tempt and convince us to water down our faith and convictions and make compromise after compromise that will erode the foundation of our faith, the foundation of our marriage and the Lordship of Jesus in our lives.

As a married Christian woman, my personal convictions are:

– Do not become good friends with men.  (no private conversations, emails, texts, dates, time alone together, flirting, etc.)

– Be CAREFUL when witnessing to men.  If a guy acts interested in hearing you talk about coming to know Christ, try to only speak with him in public, and, ideally, introduce him to a godly man who can lead him to Christ.  There are plenty of guys who will follow along and act interested in Jesus as long as it means they have a chance at YOU.  BE CAREFUL!!  GUARD YOUR HEART!  Could God use you to lead a man to Christ?  YES!  Does it need to be in private at his house?  NO!!!!!

– Put the will of Jesus WAY, WAY ahead of your own will and desires.  Die to your own desires and your flesh and take up your cross and follow Jesus daily with the greatest passion and purpose and intensity.

– Dress, act and speak modestly.  Draw attention to your Lord, not to your body or your sexuality.

– If you have couple friends with your husband – concentrate your attention on the other wife, not the other husband

– Concentrate on developing strong friendships with godly girls/women who respect their own husbands and respect your husband and God’s design for marriage

– I would strongly recommend finding a godly older woman as a mentor and/or an accountability partner

– Avoid having many conversations with other men – especially spiritual/emotional conversations or listening to their marriage problems

– Avoid giving a lot of respect and admiration to other men!!!  That is DANGEROUS GROUND!

– It is probably wise to avoid hugging or touching other men at all in most cases.

– Stay in God’s Word daily.  Pray frequently throughout the day.  Mediate on God’s Word.  Praise Him in your heart all day long.

– Immediately repent of ANY sin or ungodly thoughts or motives – and, if possible, tell your accountability partner and  your husband if you are having tempting thoughts.  Keeping these things secret is what allows the illicit feelings to grow – bringing it into the light and open usually helps to kill the ungodly desires, and also makes it much harder to give in to the temptations when you know you are accountable for them.

– Focus on your own husband and your relationship with Christ.  How can you bless your husband and honor God in your marriage? How can you make your husband’s life better?  How can you flirt with him?  How can you minister to him?  How can you make him your greatest human priority in the world?

 

ARE MY CONVICTIONS THE WORD OF GOD?

Nope.

You will have to pray and hammer out your own convictions between you, God and your husband.

My convictions have come about due to experiences I have had or witnessed with others.  And they are subject to further scrutiny and change if God or my husband or my accountability prayer partner wives see something lacking or something dangerous in my life.

My prayer is that this might give you something to think about and a place to start.  I pray that God might protect you and that He might show you how to guard your heart and marriage to prevent much heartbreak in your future by building a healthy hedge of protection around your heart, soul and  marriage today.

 

Time to Nip That Relationship ASAP

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN TOO DEEP WITH ANOTHER MAN:

  • you get butterflies in your stomach if you know you might see him
  • you think about him often
  • you imagine what life would be like with him and daydream about him
  • you compare him to your husband (and the other guy always looks “better”)
  • you pay extra attention to your wardrobe/hair/make-up if you think you might see him that day
  • you want to  (or you actually DO) call him/text him/FB message him/email him privately
  • you really enjoy being around him
  • you find yourself wanting to hide things (or hiding things) from your husband/family/friends about your relationship and contact with this man
  • you smile constantly when he’s in the room
  • you go out of your way to try to run into him
  • you want to share big news with him before you want to tell your husband
  • you like it when he looks at you and flirts with you
  • you feel like he “really understands” you
  • you want to confide all your feelings and thoughts to him
  • you begin to depend on his emotional connection and sharing
  • you know your feelings are out of control for him
  • you “feel loved” by him
  • you feel anxiety about him

SIGNS THAT A MAN IS DANGEROUS FOR YOU:

  • your husband asks you not to talk to the guy or see him anymore (If this happens, PLEASE try to cooperate with your husband and submit to him about this!)
  • he flirts with you a lot
  • he gives you frequent compliments
  • he puts your husband down or says, “If I were your husband, I’d do X!”
  • he subtly begins to try to “control” you – to tell you how he wants you to dress, wear your hair, who you talk to or what you do
  • he demands your time and attention
  • he gets really offended if you don’t call/message/email/text/visit/respond
  • when you get nervous that things may be going too far, he pulls back and insists calmly, “We’re just friends!  Everything’s cool!”
  • he seems so interested in hearing about God and the gospel but only wants to hear about it in private and doesn’t want to talk to a man about God – only YOU.
  • he makes it clear that he intends to be with you romantically
  • he doesn’t respect your marriage
  • he tries to isolate you
  • he wants to “counsel” you or “guide” you in your life and in your marriage as if he has wisdom to offer and you are his “student.”
  • he wants you to be willing to sin to be with him or for him
  • he is telling other people about his sexual plans for you
  • he talks about sexual things with you
  • he touches you/hugs you or worse
  • he tries to get you alone and tells you nothing is wrong with your relationship with him
  • he tries to convince you that adultery is not sin in this case – you and he are the exception
  • he undermines God’s Word
  • he gets aggressive, sexual or violent with you
  • other people comment on the inappropriateness of your relationship with this man
  • gossip is spreading about you and this man

I Corinthians 6:18-20 is REALLY clear about what God desires me to do in these situations:

Flee from sexual immorality.  All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.

GUARD YOUR HEART AND MARRIAGE!!!

  • immediately cut off all contact with this man (enlist help from your husband, a godly friend, your boss, church leaders – if necessary)
  • if you work with him, try to change schedules or stores if possible so that you are not with him at all (whenever possible – if it is up to  you – try not to work with men!)
  • if you go to church with him, you may need to consider changing churches (you would have to discuss that with your husband and repent if you had sinned against your husband in any way.)
  • block him on FB
  • stop all calls/texts/emails completely – change your number and email if necessary
  • if you have to see him, tell him you can’t talk to him/be friends/have a relationship anymore – that it is not appropriate – BUT the more you try to talk, you give him more opportunities to squeeze back into your life and heart.  Sometimes it is just better to flee!
  • talk with a godly wife who can help pray with you
  • spend lots of time in God’s Word
  • seek to be sensitive to God’s Spirit and His conviction of any sin on your part
  • REPENT!  Turn from your own way to God’s way with all your heart.  This will involve repenting to God and repenting to your husband.
  • focus on Jesus being LORD of everything in your life
  • focus your energy, love, respect and attention on your husband and family

If any other wives have additional godly, helpful suggestions, you are welcome to add them!

If you didn’t read yesterday’s post “Flirting with the Enemy” – you may want to check it out!

Rejoice in Suffering

Could there be a more unpalatable idea to us than this?  We don’t WANT to suffer – EVER!  And we certainly cannot begin to fathom REJOICING in suffering!  We only want comfort, ease, health and material wealth.  And we have plenty of preachers who are glad to tell us that it’s God’s will for us to be “healthy, wealthy and wise.”

Well – I have to stand up and say emphatically that the prosperity gospel is false teaching!  That is not what the Bible tells us to expect as believers.  In fact, if the prosperity gospel were true, then Jesus should have been born in human luxury, lived in mansions, had servants and never suffered – certainly He should have never been flogged and crucified as an innocent man!

God sent Jesus here to live in poverty, to suffer for what was right, to receive horrific abuse from us-  His enemies at the time, to crush Him so that His wrath could be satisfied and so that we might be free from the punishment we deserve for our sin.  If Jesus – Who obviously lived in the very center of God’s will all the time – suffered as part of God’s divine will – we can and should expect to suffer, too.

Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush Him and cause Him to suffer, and though the Lord makes His life a guilt offering, He will see His offspring and prolong His days, and the will of the Lord will prosper in His hand.  After the suffering of His soul, He will see the light of life and be satisfied; by His knowledge My righteous Servant will justify many, and He will bear their iniquities.”  Isaiah 53:10-11

THE UNFORTUNATE TRUTH ABOUT SINFUL HUMAN NATURE

In the Old Testament, I read it over and over and over again:

“When I fed them, they were satisfied; when they were satisfied, they became proud, then they forgot Me.”  Hosea 13:6

God’s blessings of material wealth and prosperity >> our pride >>  our self-indulgence >> we think we don’t need God/idolatry

Poverty and suffering >> our humility >> turns our hearts to God in dependence (we see the depths of our need for Him) >> our increased faith in God

Over and over again, prosperity in Israel created stubborn, rebellious, ungrateful hearts.  And it was only after God brought disaster and punishment that the people turned to Him and cried out for Him to save them.  Prosperity makes us spoiled, selfish and ungodly most of the time.  It happens to our children when they get everything they want, and it happens to us as adults, too.

SUFFERING HAS A HOLY PURPOSE

I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain the resurrection from the dead.  Philippians 2:10-11

I am the true Vine, and My Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit HE PRUNES so that it will be even more fruitful.  John 1:1-2

The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name.  Acts 5:41

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4

(speaking to slaves) If you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God.  To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps. “He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in His mouth.”  When they hurled their insults at Him, He did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats.  Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him Who judges justly.  He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by His wounds you have been healed.  I Peter 2:20-24

Who is going to harm you if you are eager to do good?  But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. I Peter 3:13

Since Christ suffered in His body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin.  As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.  I Peter 4:1-2

Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His glory is revealed.  If you are insulted because of the Name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you…  If you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that Name.  I Peter 4:12-14,16

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.  I Peter 4:19

Just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.  II Corinthians 1:5

Suffering is God’s tool to mold us into the image of Christ.  Certain suffering is God’s will for us.  (Not for us to suffer for doing wrong, but to suffer for doing right).  My temporary happiness is not God’s goal!  God uses suffering as discipline to train us in holiness – as a father disciplines the son in whom he delights.  Holiness is a vastly more important priority to God for my life than my happiness. He used suffering to keep Paul humble (his thorn in the flesh).  He uses suffering to refine our faith, to bring the sin (dross) to the top and skim it off and to purify our faith and make it more valuable and beautiful.

When I know God more and more – how loving, kind and good He is – I don’t have to fear suffering anymore!  When I understand His sovereignty and how He will use suffering for my benefit – what would I fear?  The only thing to fear is being outside of the will of God.  If I am in the will of God, even if that includes suffering, I am safe in His arms.  And I can have a gentle and peaceful spirit that does not give way to fear that is of great beauty in the sight of God and my husband.  (I Peter 3:6)

WHAT KINDS OF SUFFERINGS MIGHT GOD ALLOW?

  • spiritual
  • Satanic/demonic attack
  • mental strain
  • emotional (depression, anxiety – sometimes these can be because of medical conditions, and sometimes they are a result of us cherishing sin – a red flag that it is time to do a sweeping soul search with God’s Word and His light to show us if we are holding on to any sin)
  • marital problems
  • family issues/problems
  • death of a loved one
  • suffering because of my sin or because of someone else’s sin or just because of the curse of sin on the world
  • financial
  • health problems
  • disasters
  • government oppression
  • persecution because of our faith
  • martyrdom

God tailors and uses the sufferings and trials we experience to accomplish His purposes in our lives.

We are not to seek out suffering or inflict suffering on ourselves.  God determines the trials we will face.

IN MARRIAGE

I hear SO MANY wives say:

  • I don’t want to get hurt.  If I show respect, he’ll make decisions to purposely hurt me and our children.
  • I don’t want to be taken advantage of.  I need to protect myself.
  • My husband doesn’t deserve my respect.  I don’t want to obey God’s commands for me as a wife.
  • My husband has hurt me too much, I can’t obey God.
  • My husband isn’t a believer, so I can’t respect him and I can’t submit to him.
  • I want to feel loved first by my husband, then I will obey God.  God needs to change my husband first.

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.  Matthew 10:39

To live with Jesus as Lord, I must lay down my will, my dreams, my rights, my plans, my wisdom, my expectations, my agenda, my needs, my weakness, my sin and my desires.  I sacrifice them to Jesus and I pick up my cross (of sharing in His suffering and death) and follow Him.  I die to myself and my flesh and sin.  And I live for Christ.  So now, I pick up His will, His dreams, His goals, His plans, His wisdom, His power, His righteousness, His holiness and His desires.  He plants within me the mind and heart of Christ.  He gives me His holy desires.

Thankfully – God wired men to respond to respect and submission with a desire to serve.  Most of the time, the more respectful and cooperative a wife is, the more loving, kind, thoughtful and protective a husband will be.  But even if our husbands don’t seem to “respond well” to our obedience to God – we are still accountable before God to obey Him.   He will rewards us in heaven for how we treat our husbands here – regardless of their response to us.

(If there is physical abuse, drug addiction or infidelity – a wife may not be able to trust her husband or cooperate with his sin during that time – please seek godly, experienced help if this is your current situation!)

There will be emotional and spiritual suffering in marriage as we mature, learn and grow.  God will use marriage to expose our own selfishness, pride, idolatry, unforgiveness and sin.  He uses all of this to refine us and to bring us to greater maturity.

OUR GOD IS HUGE!

A big part of how we submit and yield ourselves to Jesus on a daily basis and pick up our cross is that we will submit to our husbands’ leadership (unless he is asking us to sin or condone sin).  Even if we disagree.  Even if we don’t get our way.  Even if it doesn’t look like things will work out the way we think they should.

In my view, this is one of a woman’s biggest tests of her faith in Christ.  

I have been AMAZED at the ways God has worked things out in my personal life when I submitted to my husband – even when I disagreed – how God caused things to happen that were so much better than anything I could have asked for or imagined.  God’s wisdom is INFINITELY HIGHER than my own!  It doesn’t matter if I get “my way” – I want God’s will!  He is the only one Who knows how to get me there – so I have to trust Him to lead me through my husband.

Our God is big enough and “sovereign enough” that He is able to lead us through our sinful husbands when we have a heart to love and obey Him above all else!

Our husbands DON’T deserve our respect.  But God commands us to respect them.  And if God commands it, I need to do it even if I don’t understand or agree.  Now –  I can see that God is commanding us to give our husbands what they NEED to thrive and become more godly – not what they deserve.  But even if I can’t see why God commands me to do something, it is my duty before Him to obey Him.

We don’t deserve our husbands’ unconditional love and godly leadership.  We can be REALLY unlovable sometimes!  I know that I sure can!  But we NEED it.  That is why God commands husbands to do those things.

This is not about giving our husbands what we think they deserve.  What all people deserve is punishment from a holy God.  We don’t want what we deserve!

This journey of faith is about obeying God, seeking His will and His way and His glory.  It is about bringing healing, God’s power and strength and unity to marriage for God’s glory.  It is about keeping the gospel of Christ shining brightly without tarnishing it by our rebelliousness.  Titus 2:5 says that wives are to be subject to their husbands so that the word of God will not be maligned.  When I take control in my marriage – the very gospel of Christ is injured!  MAY IT NEVER BE!  Our obedience to God’s Word is SO MUCH BIGGER than our own marriages!  Our obedience to Him  in our marriages draws others to Christ – and our disobedience will repel them.

If my husband is doing wrong, God says that it is His to avenge, He will repay.  We can trust Him to handle revenge and justice in His time and His way for His glory.  I must respectfully and cautiously confront sin at times (keeping my eyes constantly on my own motives and pride – making sure I am not in sin myself) – but God’s Spirit is plenty capable of changing my husbands’ heart and convicting him in His time and His way.  He does not need my help!  I would only get in the way and stall things and make it hard for my husband to hear God’s voice!  In fact, I have done that many times – and it did not work!

PRAYER

Lord,

I pray that You might help us to embrace suffering that is in Your will for us!  Help us to see that there will be pain and suffering in marriage and that You use that to make us holy and more like Jesus and that suffering is a HUGE blessing when we embrace it as Your tool to refine our faith and test our character and make us more spiritually mature.  Help us be willing to sacrifice ourselves in order to obey You in our marriages.  Help us be willing to suffer for what is right if necessary.  Use us to repay evil with good and cursing with blessing.  Use us to show Your kindness to our husbands – even when they don’t deserve it.  Let us lay down our sin – our unforgiveness, bitterness, idolatry, wanting to control things ourselves, anxiety, lust, gossip, jealousy, hatred, malice, rebelliousness and every sin that displeases You.  Fill us with Your Spirit and Your power to become the godly wives You desire us to be.  Use us to greatly bless our husbands and children.  We can’t do this in our own strength.  Help us to abide in You daily, praise You constantly, sing songs of praise and gratitude to You in our hearts all day long, pray fervently without ceasing and seek You above all else in our lives.  Let us love You wholeheartedly and let us give ourselves fully to You without any reservation.  Use us to be Your faithful servants and to bring You honor and praise.

In the Name and power of Christ,

Amen!

A Wife Finds Joy Again after Years of Grief

Today’s post is an email I received from a wife I talked with a few months ago. She was still deeply hurting and grieving over the  sudden loss of her teenage son 4 years ago. She had learned about respect before – but “lost ground” during her grief – very understandably!

This precious wife was STUCK.  She was angry with God.  She was bitter towards her husband.  The question that really began to turn the lights on spiritually for her was, “Is it possible that you may have grieved the Holy Spirit?”

I could hear the self-pity and bitterness in her heart and knew that she had grieved God’s Spirit.  And – in that moment, she began to see the problem.  She was dry and without God’s peace, joy and the fruit of the Spirit because she was hanging onto bitterness and unforgiveness.  When she repented – His power began to flood her soul again.  Nothing brings me greater joy than to get to witness one of my sisters reach that critical point of brokenness and humility and then see the Niagra Falls of heaven pour into her soul!  I just never get tired of that!  It’s pretty addictive – watching God work miracles like that.

HER DESCRIPTION OF WHERE SHE WAS SPIRITUALLY THE PAST 4 YEARS:

I had let my brokenness morph into something so unhealthy that I had just gotten shackled up tight in a stronghold of self-pity and bitterness. When I felt like I was further spiritually than my husband, even that had a root of “poor me, my son died and I can’t even be married to a man who loves me and leads me like Christ. Poor me, my life is so hard. Guess God just uses me as some kind of martyr type… etc. You get it… on and on with self-pity and bitterness. And God has showed me what a deep, ugly sin self-pity is. And bitterness too, but the self-pity thing was a surprise to me how ugly it can be in God’s sight.

THE EMAIL SHE SENT ME AFTER WE HAD SPOKEN:

Hey! I thought I would share my latest blog with you. It is a start at processing all God is showing me since we talked yesterday. I know that I have grieved the Holy Spirit in the context of my relationship, too, I just know that between me and God is the beginning. I am finally ready to truly apologize to my husband and ask for forgiveness (for being disrespectful, unforgiving and controlling). I plan to get specific with my sin with no explanation so he won’t misinterpret it as justification. I can’t believe it! Yesterday, I still wasn’t ready. I knew if I said it, I still wouldn’t mean it. But, today… FREEDOM!!

I am feeling wonderful!! It’s like a floodgate of JOY has been released in my spirit!! I am so NEW!!  I know it! I had almost given up on feeling LIFE like this again since my son died. It is unbelievable!   After 4 years, the last 2 of those with me begging God to heal me yet rebelling somehow all at the same time… I am FREE! I know it. I don’t expect it to be perfect from here… I will still have PMS days, and days where I have to take lies captive… but something is most definitely new!!

Oh my! This Scripture just popped in my mind….

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

Oh the joys of hiding Scripture in your heart for God to pull out just when He wants to speak to you!! He just absolutely confirmed that He is doing a new thing… right here, right now, again! I am in an oasis! And oh how good it feels after years of my spirit being so dry!

As far as the fumble… I just flat out owned it and apologized. Hmmm… imagine that?! 🙂 It wasn’t horrible, but I want him to know and SEE the changes in me. He is already noticing that something is up! 😉

All I can say is thank you, thank you, thank you, April!! For being obedient to His call to change your own marriage and then letting the Lord use you the way you do to help Him change others!

It almost seems too simple that the first time we talked that the Lord worked such a breakthrough in me, but oh you just have no idea how long I have begged, and wrestled, and fought, and well… you get the idea. I am just so blessed!! And our precious God is just so WILD and GOOD!!!

Waiting on the Lord

Today’s guest post is by Lindsey Watson at Runningincircles.   Thank you for sharing!  Praying for a healthy delivery and healthy mama and baby!

There are tons of verses in the Bible about waiting on the Lord.  I know, because I found them and “claimed” them all when I was single and worrying about my biological clock ticking away while God dilly-dallied around with bringing me Mr. Right, or even Mr. Remotely Interested.

I suspect I’m not the only one who’s ever felt this way, because there’s lots of art for sale at LifeWay that illustrates these “waiting” verses, and “waiting” has been the subject of many popular Christian songs that have played on the radio over the past ten years.

We sang one of the many “waiting” songs at church on Sunday, and it got me thinking about this topic again.  I’m in those tedious, anxious final weeks of pregnancy, so it’s timely for me to take a closer look at what is true (and what isn’t) about what it means to wait on God and his timing.

1.  He’s not a fickle companion.

My least favorite of Christian Waiting Songs begins, “I will run to the cleft of the mountain and wait for You/Will You come meet with me?”  It is completely opposite of everything that is true of God and of us to suggest that we show up and then invite him to join us.  It’s absurd to imagine that we’re ever the first to arrive at the restaurant, and that we’re sometimes left at the table wondering if God is going to stand us up like an inconsiderate blind date or that scatterbrained friend who forgot she said she’d meet you for lunch.

God is always, always the initiator and the faithful party in his relationship with us.  Moses didn’t “run” to the cleft of the mountain, God put him there.  The story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal reminds us that our God does not need to be summoned with shouting or holy displays, that he never turns off his phone to sleep or go to the bathroom.  He’s the constant, and we’re the ones who fail to draw near.

2.  Waiting is not wasting time.

Nothing is more frustrating than what feels like pointless waiting.  The other day I went to the wrong department of the hospital and sat for an hour before realizing that the tech I needed to see was down the hallway, wondering where I was.  Sometimes traffic crawls due to lane closures for “construction” even when there are no bulldozers or workers present.  I have to bite my tongue when someone gets to the front of the line at Starbucks without any idea what she wants to drink, and we all stand there while she sorts through her various options with the barista.

But God, being omnipresent, omniscient, and outside the confines of time, is an accomplished multitasker.  We’re never sidelined in a plastic chair while he attends to something more pressing.  If he has not given us something we’re “waiting for,” it’s because it’s not the right time for it yet.  From my perspective, these last six weeks of waiting for Baby feel pointless.  (Weren’t we “viable” two months ago? Six more weeks of fattening for both of us just seems indulgent.)  But I got to peek into the workshop again last week, to see all the little parts that God is knitting together, and I was reminded of how many little details are still coming together.  His little diaphragm is still learning how to breathe in and out.  His little bones are still hardening so he’ll be strong enough to push out of my body and then not get squished under his sister’s loving affections.  His organs are getting close to ready, but aren’t quite mature enough for independent functioning.

It’s easy to track this in hindsight, too.  I know now why God didn’t bring me “Mr. Right” when I was twenty and impatient.  Like the baby inside me, I still had some growing to do.  (And so did Mr. Right, for that matter.)   Why hasn’t God given a baby to our friends who struggle with infertility?  Why doesn’t he send rain to Africa?  Why hasn’t Jesus just come back already to set it all right?

The Bible reminds us that when we perceive that God is being slow to fulfill his promises, the truth is that he is simply working in ways that we do not yet see or understand.  What looks to us like carelessness or tarrying is actually his patience, his wisdom, the fact that circumstances are more complicated than we realize.  We have not been been forgotten or set on the back burner: we…and others…and even creation are being prepared for what lies before us when the time is exactly right.

3.  Waiting is not Idleness.

As I wait for this baby to arrive, I’m passing the time with some serious nesting.  I’m stocking away meals in the freezer.  I’m cleaning out closets, vacuuming behind the AC vents, taking unused clutter to Goodwill, organizing our digital photos and movies.  I’m also trying to take every opportunity to listen to Abby’s stories, linger over Play-Doh, snuggle in the big chair as we watch Dora.  In other words, there’s plenty to do in this season of “waiting” that I won’t be able to do when the time is up.

When I was in high school, I frequently heard the song “Closing Time” on the radio that reminded me that “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  And while it’s a deep thought for a song about having to leave a bar at the end of the night, it’s true none the less.  So however exciting the beginning is that we anticipate, it also means the loss of certain opportunities.  So whether I’m waiting for the doctor to arrive at my exam room, for the onset of labor pains, for Jesus to appear in the clouds, my challenge is to wait purposefully, thoughtfully, productively, expectantly.

Because at some point, the waiting will be over, and when it is, I want to be ready.

A Wife Answers My Question

Here is a really fascinating email I received last week from a wife.  I know you are going to love hearing her story.  Be prayerful and alert for anything God may want to speak to YOUR heart as you read her message.

I want to start with a huge thank you for your ministry.  I stumbled onto
your blog about six weeks ago and it truly has changed my/our marriage.  I saw your Facebook request for comments from a wife who has learned to respect a husband that has more defined standards and desires control of home decisions.  I have to smile because my husband and I were just discussing this last night…I think I just might qualify:)

A LITTLE HISTORY

I have been on this journey now for almost two years…my journey to being a peaceful wife began a little differently than yours.  My husband and I went through a very difficult time about four years ago.  He is a small business owner and the recession hit us very hard.  We were newly married (three years in ) and had just had our second child.  It was rough…our marriage remained intact but I think, or I should say now I know we both retreated to our own corners instead of growing closer together.

I adore my husband, he is an incredible man – but when it came to family issues I really did think I was more qualified than he to direct.  So at this time not only was my husbands professional life spinning out of control but so was his personal life due to my sudden pressure to take control of our household and new family.  I am a cradle Catholic that had very little understanding of my faith and even littler understanding of the Bible.  We stopped going to church and forged forward.  I convinced my husband to have a vasectomy in the Fall of 2009, I remember telling him and others that there was no way I could ever handle another baby, I basically had three already, having to take care of him also.  It makes me physically ill to even think of saying this of him now.

MY FAITH JOURNEY

Ok so to make a long story short, two years ago I found my way back to the Catholic church and have embraced my faith like never before.  I am in awe of the churches teaching on sexuality, marriage and families.  However with this new found understanding has come pain and suffering. Yes I know I am forgiven, I went to confession and confessed our
decision of the vasectomy but is this what it is really all about.  My own forgiveness.  What about the grace our love making  will never again experience?  What about the loss of the souls that we might have conceived?  What about the potential of our family and love that
will never be achieved?

A STICKING POINT

So this is where I was six weeks ago before finding your blog….our marriage was back on track to a point.  However what I did not realize is that the devil was still lurking in the shadows.  I had taken on a new role….to convince/pressure my husband with all my being to have his vasectomy reversed.  I want to fix the evil we committed and since I had God on my side I have been badgering him like no other.  God had tried in the past 18 months to show me how wrong I was…our priest told me, “(Your husband) will not tolerate your nagging, it will just push him further away.”  My husband had actually said to me, “The more you push me the more I close my heart to all of it.”  (all of it being not just the vasectomy reversal but his own faith journey.)  Oh, but I had God on my side so watch out there was no stopping me….

And then I found your blog…it was like a cold slap in the face.  The way you have presented the  husband’s role as the role of Christ and the (wife’s role as the role of the) Church is almost blinding.  I get it!!

I was a road block for my husband for the past 18 months instead of his helpmate.  I now understand why when he considers possibly having another baby with me it makes him shudder…why would he want that (old me) back?   My husband is very aware of his shortcomings, he knows that things were rough four years ago but until recently he truly put most of the blame on himself.  I was the strong one that kept everything together, the perfect mom and wife supposedly helping his sorry self stumble along.  I have apologized to him multiple times in the past six weeks for the role that I played in his despair four years ago.    We are still new at this though.  My husband is a believer but an independent one of sorts.  I so want him to prayer with me daily but am scared to even ask….I just do not know if he is ready yet.

He takes he role as a father, husband and provider of our family very seriously and always has.  He is a man’s man.  We have both often questioned in the past few years where have all the men gone in this fallen world or ours.  I fills my heart with great hope and joy to think of what God may have planned for my husband…I just pray that I am able to be his helpmate on he faith journey and not a road block.

SUBMITTING TO AND RESPECTING A MAN WITH EXACTING STANDARDS

Ok so now to actually comment on your Facebook post….for an overachiever like myself meeting my husband’s standards with an open heart has actually been self motivating in sort….prior to understanding my role, my husband’s standards seemed unfair and overbearing.  We have been together for 14 years –  it seriously has taken my husband 13.5 years to trust me to do his laundry because he likes his shirts/pants folded just a certain way.  I have, in the past, just thrown my hands up and said he was being irrational….now I listen to what he is asking and I have come to realize it really is not that much  more than I am already doing it is just a little different.  My husband is a fanatic about having the kitchen clean….at all times…even in the middle of meal preparation:)  I on the other hand am kind of a messy cook…I clean in the end and that is good enough.  This was a very sour point in my husband’s day because he would come home from a long day at work and typically find me in the midst of a kitchen full of boiling water, empty cans, and half cut up vegetables. (I also like to consider myself a multitasker so I may be in the middle of three different recipes, have over the entire neighborhood for a play date and be just finishing up cleaning out the pantry!!)  In the past I have often just left it with a deal with it…I am getting things done. 

A HUGE CHANGE

In the past six weeks, I have taken a different approach.  I have moved up my dinner prep time and will typically have the kids fed prior to my husband coming home.  The kids are of course thrilled to see Daddy and now will greet him for a few minutes but know that it is Daddy’s quiet time.  They have learned to play in their rooms, I have relaxed on the screen time restrictions (actually I have adjusted the screen time allowance…meaning I limit their time during the day more, so in the evening my husband does get a little more quiet time to unwind without the kids jumping all over him)  I have candles lit, music on, the fireplace going and the kitchen clean.  I am ready to give him my full attention as he discusses his day and will typically sit and massage his feet while he unwinds.  (I am a physical therapist by education so I have in the past provided massage to my patients but never even considered it for my husband)

Ok I know some may say…really does he deserve all that prep…he does.  He works so hard and we appreciate all he does, it has only been recently that I have come to understand how to show him.

MY HUSBAND’S RESPONSE

He has thanked me repetitively and has said, “You really do not need to do this. I know you have other things to get done.”  He has stated numerous times how he feels like pinching himself he can’t believe how happy he is coming home.  Now don’t get me wrong this is not a man that dreaded coming home before but now it is just different.  He no longer has to worry about what multitasking explosion he may walk into, how long he will have to sit next to our three year old and beg her to eat her dinner as she is trying to dance around the dining room (seriously it can take her 45 minutes to eat dinner at times).  I think at this point he is still not sure if this will last.

If you would ask any of our friends/neighbors they would probably
tell you that my husband’s position of the head of our family has never been doubted…which is true to some point.  However before I think he felt somewhat guilty about taking this role and still is not sure of my respect/appreciation.  I have in the past given it but much more begrudgingly.

MY MESSAGE

I guess this is my recommendation for every wife out there embrace your role has your husband’s helpmate.  Take pride in the managing of your home.  If you strive to meet the expectations of the workforce/your boss to move up the corporate ladder previously treat your home in the same manner…strive to meet the expectation of your husband.  I am humbled and honored to have been blessed with the opportunity to serve my husband and children on this Earth.  God knew what he was doing when he led me to this man. But what I have come to realize is it was not as I had previously thought….I am not leading my husband down the right path.  He is leading me.

God knew that it would take one strong man to stand up to my self righteousness.  If it was anyone but this man- I would have walked all over them without even realizing it.  I have never meant to be so controlling.  I did not realize I had such a problem with
respecting authority until recently.  I was the authority.

Where do I go from here? ….pray pray pray…..this past year has been the first time I can honestly say I have been open to the Holy Spirit working in my life and actually giving the credit due where it is owed.  It is hard at times for me to be patient to see the path.  I have always run through life at full speed…set a goal and strive for that goal to set another…now to sit back and be led is very difficult.  I want to make the plans and set out to complete them…but instead I am  praying for my husband and following his lead.  My husband is one of the good guys.  He is a natural leader and full of charisma that can light up a room if allowed.  I want more than anything to be his helpmate and encourage him to reach his
fullest potential…to reach our family’s fullest potential.  I pray that I am no longer standing in his way of following our Savior home.

Thank you again for your ministry.  I hope that the above helps.  Keep us in your prayers.

A Wife's Before and After

I heard from a wife this week… and I am thrilled that she is willing to tell her story.  I think that her “before problems” are where most wives are in their marriages.  And I can’t wait for you to see what God is doing in this precious wife’s soul and in her marriage!  THANK YOU to the wife who is willing to allow me to share her story!

————————————————————————————————

In the past year God has been teaching me so many of the things you mention in your posts.

I have been having little light bulbs go off here and there and it had all started  to come together lately thanks to your blog.

THE “PROBLEMS” WE USED TO HAVE IN OUR MARRIAGE

Should I submit to my husband’s leadership on things such as:
– Should my husband spend at least 30 mins of quiet time with God each morning (so that he can know how to lead our home?)
– Should we have a formal couples’ worship time – ideally every night or at least once a week?
– Should my husband be more active in church? Ideally in a ‘couple ministry’ scenario?
– Do we eat dinner in front of the tv or at the table?
– Do we attend every single church meeting/bible study on offer in our surrounding area?
– Do we invite EVERY single visitor to our house when we notice them at church?
– Do we really have to have a formal ‘date’ every week?
– Is Star Trek allowed to be played on our home tv
– Should we have pay tv (cos oh dear, if we do my husband will probably ONLY want to watch sports all day every day – since that is what we wants to do every time we stay at a hotel)
– Is my husband allowed to listen to sports on the radio as he knows I don’t like sports, and oh dear if we have kids he might also subject them to this!
– Do we both have to go to bed together at the exact same time EVERY night, cos  if we (don’t) do  it once or twice it might become a habit and then we will become one of those couples who sleep in separate bedrooms! And who KNOWS what he will watch after I go to sleep – ooooh!
-Do I help my husband in small ways in his business even thou I have my own career? If I start down this path he may overload me with so much work I will never be able to handle it!
-Do I demand that we adopt children (since I have always wanted to) and also we are struggling with infertility (been trying for 2 years) or do I wait on God to change BOTH our hearts if he wants us to go that way?

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

Above I have in a nutshell outlined ALL  the things that I perceived to be SINS in my husbands life over the past 7 years of our marriage. Although I now realize that part of the reason I was so controlling and fearful was that it actually took me this long to REALLY trust my husband because of some of the baggage he carried into our marriage, I now finally realize that pretty much ALL our arguments and problems were MY fault. I was disrespectful and controlling beyond measure. I can’t believe how patient he was all these years.

A NEW WIFE AND THE BEGINNING OF A NEW MARRIAGE

Since I have stepped out of the ‘control headquarters’ of our marriage these are the results:

– After YEARS of nagging him about why he doesn’t do private worship more regularly – the minute I stopped being controlling he just started doing private worship every morning and has never stopped! He does this more regularly than me now. Sometimes its 30 mins sometimes 5. Sometimes he just sings praise songs sometimes he studies a particular topic. He NEVER badgers me or treats me the way I used to treat him when I had more worship time than him.
– He now starts Sabbath in our home every Friday night (we are Seventh Day Adventists) without any prompting/cajoling from me. He gets the Bible, reads from it and picks a song for us to sing. He talks about God every day with me and feels like he has encounters every day when God takes care of him at work in different ways.
– To my shock, he accepted a leadership role at church – we work closely together and we also lead our in church together sometimes  (the difference was this time I didn’t guilt him or try to make him take on these roles I just asked and he prayed then accepted them!). He also takes the Bible study at church every few months.
– Yes, most nights my husband eats his dinner in front of the tv – but instead of making a huge issue out of it now I just let it be. He works super hard each day and I don’t eat dinner anyway but have a protein shake after gym so it works for us at the moment. Whether other people would feel this is normal or healthy doesn’t matter to me anymore. It’s what works for us and after dinner we always cuddle on the couch. If I even try to sneak away to my room to do my own thing occasionally he STRONGLY protests now. This is how we hang in the evenings and I LIKE it.
– We do NOT attend EVERY single Bible study/meeting in addition to ordinary church. Even though I personally would (like to) my husband recognizes the need to also rest on Sabbath and have family time. I don’t just go on my own because I found when I did I would just feel resentful that my husband didn’t come and it took away from our time together.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I am SO PROUD of this wife and of all that God is doing in her heart! She sees that she was being controlling and disrespectful and she humbly allowed God to change her.  She has so many of the same issues I used to have!  It’s uncanny!  But look what happened when she took her hands off of her husband’s throat and let him lead and hear God’s voice without her voice overshadowing God’s anymore.  God’s ways are truly higher and better than our ways!  

There is no power in our disrespect, contempt and control.  Our power is in our godly femininity – our faith, our admiration, our genuine respect, our cooperation, our appreciation, our acknowledging our husbands’ wisdom, our support of their leadership and our trust in Christ.

It is only when I can accept my husband exactly as he is and not want to change him, and when I am obeying God and living in His Spirit’s power that God will change my husband!  But first – He changes ME!

When Your Husband Sins Against You.

I am not an expert, a counselor, a psychologist, a theologian or a pastor. I am just an ordinary Christian wife. My posts and my blog may be helpful for you – they may not be.  I share ideas and suggestions – they are not rules and they are not guarantees.  Ultimately, each wife must prayerfully decide what she believes God wants her to do to obey Him and to honor Him in her unique situation. God has wisdom. I do not. I write specifically for wives who tend to be controlling and dominating. Wives who tend to be more quiet and have dominating husbands may find that my blog is not a good fit for them. If your husband is abusing you, please seek godly, experienced, wise counsel ASAP! Please be safe! My blog is not written for wives who are abused.
Get ready and brace yourselves, ladies.  I am about to deliver the most shocking news you have EVER heard.
Your husband is a HUGE sinner.  Like… he is in SERIOUS need of Jesus.  On his own – apart from Christ – he is selfish, unkind, unloving, mean, cruel, difficult to deal with, too passive or too aggressive, ungodly, an idolator and he possibly even struggles with lust, greed, lying, stealing, hatred, un-forgiveness, bitterness and ALL KINDS of heinous sins.
I know – it’s mind boggling.  🙂  I’m sure you haven’t figured that out on your own  – so you probably don’t believe me.  You may need to go check with him on this one, right?
Just kidding!  Please do NOT go check with him! 🙂
It’s funny – all of us as wives see our husbands’ sins SO clearly.  It’s our own sin that we tend not to see.  And I usually focus on OUR sin, OUR responsibilities, OUR obedience to God and our side of the equation.  That is where our power is, after all!
But we ALL have to deal with our husbands sinning against us – just like all husbands have to deal with wives sinning against them.  Sometimes it’s much worse than others.  This topic could seriously be a book in and of itself.  So this one post isn’t an exhaustive resource on dealing with our husbands’ sin in a godly way.  But it is hopefully a starting point.
SOME BASICS
Expect your husband to sin against you at times.  He is not God.  He will mess up. He will do hurtful and hateful things sometimes.  Other times, it may seem like he is being hateful – but he may not actually intend to be hateful – it could be a misunderstanding. He is human.  And that has to be ok. Yes, he is supposed to represent Christ to you in the marriage – but he is not Christ and to expect perfection is just setting yourself up for a disaster.
Focus on your own mountain of sin on a daily basis, and try not to focus much on his.  The more I see what a wretched sinner I am  – and just how much Jesus has forgiven me for – the more grace I have to lavish forgiveness, mercy and grace on my husband.
Gary Thomas in “Sacred Influence” says, “We are most tempted to sin when we have been sinned against.”  That is SO TRUE!  So  – be Spirit-filled.  Have God’s power in you.  Repent of all your sin.  Obey God’s Word.  Then you will have the power of God to respond without sin when your husband sins against you.  Being angry is not sinful  – but in our anger, we must not sin against our husbands!
God is sovereign.  He has assigned my husband to me for my good, as a gift to me, as my leader, protector and provider.  But He has also assigned my particular husband to me to use his sins to mold me into the image of Christ.  God will use my husband’s sin against me as a hammer and chisel to create the image of Christ in my soul.  It will be PAINFUL.  It will be a cross I must bear.  And God will use it for my good and His glory.
Wow.
WE HAVE SO MUCH POWER!
We are NOT responsible for our husband’s sin.  They are accountable to God for their sin and we are accountable to God for our own sin.
But – because we are one flesh  – our response to our husbands’ sin is powerful.  We can either respond with evil and cause the whole thing to spiral downward completely towards destruction and the death of the marriage, or we can respond in the power of God’s Spirit and breathe healing, life, strength, grace, peace, hope and help into our marriage when our husbands sin against us.
BEING UNLOVING, CRUEL AND HATEFUL
It’s possible that your man is a total narcissist who is incurable and who will be chronically selfish and cruel his whole life.  There are a few of those in the world.
Thankfully, MOST men are fairly decent guys.  They are all sinners, of course.  But most men will respond well to respect.  Now if you have been extremely disrespectful for 15 years – it will take time for your husband to really trust you and begin to open up to you again.  He may continue to stonewall for a year or more from the time you implement respect and submission and stop controlling and being disrespectful.  But ultimately, you are called to respect your husband and submit to His God-given leadership out of obedience to Christ regardless of the results.  So, it is our duty to obey God’s Word and honor Christ in our marriage regardless of what our husbands are or aren’t doing.
The great news is – usually, as we get rid of disrespect and learn to speak “respect” in a meaningful way to our husbands – the verbal abuse, unloving behavior and comments usually dramatically decrease over time.
Some possible ways wives may handle such situations – say (calmly):
  • Ouch!
  • That really hurt my feelings.
  • Did I do something disrespectful just now?  That felt unloving to me.
  • Please don’t speak to me like that or I will need to leave the room.  (And then, respectfully, with dignity and poise, leave the room if he cannot control his temper.)
  • Please don’t yell.  I feel so scared when you do that.
  • Please don’t say things like that – it hurts me so much.

Hopefully, just saying something like that will elicit an apology.

If not, you may want to give him some space, respectfully, to process his feelings for a few hours or over night. And keep some distance.  Then when he approaches you, you can say, “I’m still upset/hurt/sad.”  And you really don’t have to go into much more detail than that.  He will probably apologize.

But also, consider that Jesus calls us to bless when we are cursed and to repay evil with good and to pray for those who mistreat us.  So during that time of giving space, we can be praying for our husbands and for Satan’s strongholds to be torn down.  We can pray that God will help us to forgive and have wisdom about how to bless our husbands.  And we can pray about what kind thing we could do to show respect and love.

Please do not go on a big emotional tirade against your man!  Then he will be thinking about YOUR anger, bitterness, rage and sin and he won’t have to think about his sin!  If you can respond WITHOUT sin to him when he sins against you – he will have SO MUCH weight of conviction and he will eventually apologize on his own.

The more respected he usually feels  -the more it will tear his soul apart to see that he has hurt  you, the woman he loves most in all the world.  Your distance and pain will make him feel AWFUL and he will try to make things right.

If he feels constantly disrespected – he may not care much about your feelings – and you may have to pray and wait on God to work in his heart as you continue to obey God yourself, expecting God, not your husband, to meet your emotional and spiritual needs.

As you begin to actually stop disrespecting him – which repels him – and you learn to begin to respect him – he will likely be drawn back to you.
Then – he may eventually begin to actually care about your feelings.
When he gets used to you being joyful, happy, content, smiling, accepting and welcoming – he will probably want to keep that feeling going.  Your happiness and joy is his greatest reward.  If you are mean, negative, angry, scolding, yelling, name-calling and disrespectful all the time – he will most likely build a wall against you and shut you out of his heart.  He may decide it is impossible to please you and it’s not worth trying.  And he may not care that you are in pain.  He may be in too much pain himself to care that you are in pain.  And he may not respect you because you are so down on him all the time.  Men sometimes only let people they respect influence their decisions and actions.
But when you respect him and are a joy – he may begin to want you to be happy, to open his heart up to you slowly, and eventually he may care VERY much about your feelings and happiness. Eventually, all it may take is for that light of faith and trust in your eyes and the beautiful smile on your face to go away for a minute or two and he will be asking what he can do to make you happy again.  Yes.  Really.
The silent thing is about spiritual things.  You are silent about God and church and Bible reading, etc (I Peter 3:1-2 – if you have a husband who is disobedient to the Word of God), and show him respect.
If he is flirting or doing inappropriate things with other women (short of an affair)- some possible ideas of things to prayerfully consider saying (only if God leads you to say one of these things),
  • I don’t want you to have women friends.  I think that is dangerous.  I don’t have male friends – there are too many temptations in those situations for anyone.  No one is exempt from the temptation to have an affair.  Everyone has to guard their hearts, even pastors and strong Christian leaders.  No one plans to have an affair – it happens because we don’t prevent it and protect our marriage with a hedge of precautions and boundaries.
  •  I feel so hurt when you flirt with women.
  • I only want you to flirt with me.
  • I feel so sad that you are talking with other women.
  • I am scared that you don’t let me be your friend on Facebook.  I feel afraid to trust you when I see you shut me out from certain areas of your life.
  • I want to trust you and respect you- and I am scared to right now.  Please make it easier for me to be able to totally trust you and respect you as the God-given leader of our marriage.
  • I want you to stop talking with her.
  • I want to feel completely safe and protected with you.
  • I want to know that you are protecting our marriage and your heart.
So – you say what you want WITHOUT lashing out in anger.  You are vulnerable and share your feelings in a pure way, a VERY, VERY, VERY boiled down and brief way.  He can hear you when you talk to him like this.  You can cry and be sad.  But if you attack him with anger and an emotional ocean of negativity – he may drown in it.
Then – as you become respectful and he begins to care about your feelings – all you have to do is look sad and say you are sad – and he will probably apologize.  If he doesn’t, you just respectfully move away and create some distance from him.  Bob Grant, marriage therapist, says “Words are for women.  Men don’t respond to words.  Men respond to pain and distance.”  So you sharing your painful feelings “I feel X”  and moving away physically and emotionally will make him feel guilt and want to make things better.  Yes – this is the exact opposite of how we as women want to handle this.  Want to dump our ocean of negativity on him and blast him for an hour or two with all our horrible emotions.  This does NOT help our husbands come back to us!  It repels them.  So it is up to us to learn to communicate in a way that is EFFECTIVE for our husbands to best hear our hearts and our main message.
You don’t have to argue.  You don’t have to lose control.  The more you do those things, the more you push him to the women you don’t want him to talk to.  He finds acceptance and validation and respect there.  He needs to find acceptance, validation, edification, appreciation, affection and respect with YOU.
LYING
If your husband is telling little lies, I think that being calm about it and not making a huge deal about it would be helpful.  And keep in mind that the more he sees you trust him as leader and you respect him, the safer he will feel with you.  He may be lying to avoid a big reaction, drama, lecture, scolding, disrespect and contempt.  My suggestion, for whatever it is worth, is to respectfully, calmly and without emotion say something like:
  • honesty is REALLY important to me.
  • PLEASE tell me the truth.  We will work through this issue together.  I want to try to stay calm and hear what you have to say.  I don’t want you to be afraid of me freaking out and losing control of my emotions.  I want to respect you, and for me to be able to fully respect and trust you, I need to know for sure that you always tell me the truth.

When he does tell you the truth, maybe say:

  • THANK YOU SO MUCH for telling me the truth.  It’s painful for me to hear.  But I admire you greatly for having the courage to tell me the truth.  I feel so much safer knowing that you are being honest with me.  When you tell me the truth, even about little things, I REALLY respect that about you.
  • It means SO much to me that you have the courage to tell me the truth.  That helps me to respect the man you are so much.  I admire your willingness to be honest.  Thank you.

Then keep up the respect and nix all the disrespect.  As he sees he is safe – I think you’ll see the lying fade away in a few months, most likely.

If your husband is telling bigger lies, you may have to calmly and respectfully (and probably with great sadness) prayerfully consider saying something like:

  • dishonesty/lying is not OK.
  • I REALLY want to trust and respect you – but I just can’t respect lying.
  • I need to see you do X, Y and Z to help me rebuild my trust in you.  I need total honesty and transparency from you in order to work to be able to give you all of my respect and admiration again.
  • I’m really disappointed.
  • I am devastated.
  • I think we need to have some help.

You can do this WITHOUT attacking him.

If you catch him in big lies again or other major sin (adultery) – you may need to follow the Bible’s advice about when a brother sins against us (Matthew 18).  First we are to go show him his fault, just between the two of us in private (which means, NOT bashing him on FB or to friends, coworkers or family!)  If he doesn’t repent, then we take another believer – probably a strong Christian mentor or friend or pastor and respectfully confront him with that witness present and helping us.  Then the Bible says to take the matter before the church if he still won’t repent and treat him like an unbeliever.  Most churches don’t do discipline anymore.  Sadly.  But if he is living in habitual sin, you will have to treat him like an unbeliever – because he is not living at all with the power of Christ.  I Peter 3:1-2 would apply here.  You may have to implement consequences with gentleness, respect, poise and dignity.

ADULTERY

Please keep in mind that God can and does heal marriages that have suffered the devastation of adultery.  I know MANY marriages God has healed and that are very godly and strong now – stronger than ever – and the growth began after adultery.  This is not to say adultery is fine and not a big deal. It is a huge sin. It is not ever ok!

Adultery is not necessarily a death sentence for a marriage.  But contempt and unforgiveness will kill any relationship.

But there is help and hope and our God is a God of miracles and He is able to heal broken relationships and people when we trust and obey Him.  Please seek godly, wise, experienced, biblical counsel!

PHYSICAL ABUSE/SUBSTANCE ABUSE

Please get some godly, experienced help.  This issue is more than I can address – and you will need major help ASAP.

RELATED:

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

Why I Don’t Write for Women with Abusive Husbands

Do I Condone Abuse?

 

The Voice in His Head

by the Respected Husband

On Sunday, September 23rd, the Peacefulwife ran a guest post by Kayla Gulick titled My Demon. In the article, Kayla described how all of the voices in her head accuse her husband of the worst. This prompted a discussion between the Peacefulwife and me. She then asked me about whether a guy has similar voices in his head that paint a bad picture of his wife’s intentions.

FROM A HUSBAND’S PERSPECTIVE

I told her that husbands do have a voice in their head, but it rarely talks about their wives. It is a voice telling them “You don’t have what it takes to do ……,” “You are a failure at …..,” “You are an inadequate husband, father, or son”, and “You are not good enough.” Now, I need to clarify that this voice isn’t on all of the time and usually confined to one topic at a time. This is very different from how the Peacefulwife has explained to me about women’s brains where you have an internal voice coming at you accusing your husband and justifying your disrespect and need for control almost constantly (when a wife is cherishing sin in her heart and is not filled with God’s Spirit).

Much to my surprise, after I had made that statement I turned to find the Peacefulwife with mouth agape, stunned, and fascinated with my response. Shortly, after a little water and some cool compresses on her forehead, she said, “Hmm…Satan’s strategy is to attack the God-given spiritual authority from two sides. The accuser fills the wife’s head with a barrage of ammunition against her husband about how he is not worthy of respect and how she is totally justified in her disrespect and contempt. AND the accuser fills the husband’s head with thoughts about how he is not worthy of respect and that his wife is absolutely right in her observation of his faults. The two accusing voices paralyze leadership in the marriage, in the church, in business, and in government.”

IS THIS NORMAL?

Not wanting to jump to conclusions too quickly, we wondered if this theory held up in other marriages. Understanding that a voice in my head just started saying, “Yeah….Sure, check this out…You will only find that you are different than other guys. Other guys are better than you and wouldn’t think like this at all.” So, the Peacefulwife posted the question on the Facebook page. Shortly, Kayla Gulick responded that she had just asked her husband the same question without giving him my response and he said THE SAME EXACT THING.

Another reader, a husband, responded, “I ditto your husband. We fight the fear that we may not be ‘up to the job’ almost every day. But we are men, so it is shameful to talk about it.”

A husband wants to hide any insecurities or faults that he thinks he has because he is afraid that his wife or family will not respect him.  He is afraid that he might lose any clout that he might have with his wife and family if he was to let a weakness be revealed.

Wow….So far so good with testing this theory. At church on Sunday evening, we asked the same question to several men to see if they responded in the same way. Their responses seemed to first indicate that maybe I do think like a man and secondly, and probably most importantly, that the idea of Satan attacking the spiritual authority of the marriage from both sides was probably true.

So I started searching for a way to describe what a man hears in his head and I came to the conclusion that the voice in his head is all about exposing his insecurities. I found the following quote from Jake Dudley, a 24 year old blogger, to be a really good description of how a man thinks.

And that’s all insecurity is – FEAR. Fear of things we have no control over in the first place. I know what it feels like. I’ve been faced with the doubt you experience when you are staring at a person of the opposite sex wanting soooo badly to tell them how you feel. But instead you stand there frozen from the insecurity of thinking they’ll NEVER like someone as ugly as I think I am. I’ve stood at the crossroads of a major life decision thinking that no matter which I choose I will fail, so instead I turn into a little boy and run away from all possibilities. I’ve ended things and started things and ignored people and ran away from opportunities all because somewhere along the way I believed my self-inflicted insecurities defined who I was as a man.

But here’s the thing: insecurity has NOTHING to do with who I actually am as person. Instead, it has EVERYTHING to do with who I’m terrified of becoming if I take a risk. I usually think I’ll fail. I usually think I’m not good enough. I usually think girls think I’m ugly. I usually think my time has run out. I usually think and think and think my way into a pity party of self-loathing and doubt that I forget that I was created in the image of an extraordinary God.

One Man’s Insecurities by Jake Dudley, www.corycopeland.net

A WIFE’S ROLE

A guy is always going to have insecurities and feel inadequate to fulfill his role as a husband and father. How can a wife work to control the demons that are not only speaking to her but her husband as well?  Your husband needs your respect, your trust, your belief in him, your admiration, and your affirmation. These are the confidence pills for the common insecurity. With a little boost of encouragement your husband can overcome and lead your marriage. I found the following quote from www.greatdatespot.com to be a great description of the role of a wife in handling his insecurities:

But here’s the thing- a man’s wife has a special place : she can truly build him up and quiet all other voices of insecurity -or- she can be the loudest voice of insecurity in the world. It’s a strange and magnificient power that you women yield. And it’s a power given by the source of security.

And while it may seem that these two oppose one another- they don’t. After all- a marriage is supposed to be mirror image of a person’s relationship with Jesus- so if it’s Jesus that a man’s security comes from- then it makes sense that a wife can wield similar power…if she chooses.

Ladies- you should understand- you have two choices here- to be the voice of encouragement and bolster your husband’s security or to be the voice of insecurity and rejection and crush your man (yes- you have that power). There is no third choice- if you choose to disengage and try to be in the middle- you are choosing the latter.

Ladies- your acceptance is not just vocal- though it is that. It’s not just sex, though it is that as well. It’s not respect, though it is that too. It’s all encompassing. Give him great compliments, give him great sex, give him great respect and you will see your husband be spurred on to become the man he was always meant to be. Think about it- the key to your husband becoming who he was meant to be- who you really want him to be – lies with you. Jesus could fully do it without you- but he chose to give you as a gift to your husband to speed it along. And I know, that seems like a tall order. That seems like a lot of weight on your shoulders. But it is your burden- or your joy- depending on how you look at it. Now that is your choice.

http://greatdatespot.com/2010/05/21/a-husbands-insecurity-from-10-things-men-wish-their-wives-knew-about-men/

Every wife wants her husband to be the moral authority for their family. Every husband wants his wife to be his biggest supporter, confidence booster, and encourager. When he can feel that he has your trust and appreciation it is like giving him a shot of energy.   That is why it is so easy for a man to literally become unplugged when he does not feel he is getting this support.  So what do you have if your husband is the moral authority of your family and you have the gift of energy he needs?

Moral + (e)nergy = Morale

Your marriage will have great morale. If my equation is correct the more of the energy you give him the greater the morale will be in your marriage. He will have the self confidence, self esteem, and drive to be the leader in your marriage and family.

But I know there are many who might say that, “My husband is definitely not the moral authority in our family and there is no way I can affirm him after what he has done.” Unfortunately, these husbands probably need the most support from their wives and yet their life yields very few opportunities for their wife to show praise and compliment thim. I think Priscilla Shirer addresses this pretty well in the following quote:

Now perhaps your husband has consistently proven that he’s not worthy of your trust. He’s been careless with money, drawn to addictions, perhaps even unfaithful to his marriage vows. The reason you can’t ascribe high value to his character, you say, is because he hasn’t shown you very much of it. And you’re right—his carelessness, laziness, or lack of integrity is not your fault. You are not responsible for what he’s done and is doing, even if you’ve been less than careful about loving him well and feeding his ego.

But even you—even now—can resolve to affirm your husband and to promise that your trust in him is not gone forever. It may need to be reconstructed with the aid of outside help and ongoing accountability, but he needs to know that your heart’s desire is to reestablish confidence in him.

Your Husband’s Two Biggest Fears, Priscilla Shirer

If we understand the destructive nature of the voices in our heads and that Satan’s plan is to attack our marriage and family we can start silencing the voices. I know when I feel that my wife is in full support with me about something the voice I hear is, “You can do this because she trusts and believes in you.” The Peacefulwife is very good at saying, “I am going to look out for the good in my husband and let God deal with his sins.”

Let’s build up the morale in our marriages starting now.

When a wife refuses to obey God’s commands by disrespecting her husband, she cooperates with Satan and becomes a megaphone that amplifies the accuser’s message to her husband.  But when a wife respects and follows her husband, she cooperates with God and becomes an amplifier for God’s voice and His will.  WOW!  This is POWERFUL stuff!  May we use our power for great good, ladies! – The Peacefulwife