How Long before He Feels the Effects of the Changes?


This is a post my friend, Kayla, wrote when she was just starting to learn about respect and biblical submission.  I totally relate to how she was feeling at this time.  She was kind enough tonight to answer her own questions at the bottom now that it has been about 5 months! Thanks for sharing, Kayla!

It is such a weird place to be when you’re really working on something in your marriage, and the main person who hopefully should be the first person to notice is your spouse, and they are the one person it is most awkward or maybe even inappropriate to talk to about it.

I tell my husband everything.  Inside out and upside down, he’s my GO TO MAN.  And I like it that way. But right now, there is nothing to “go to” him with that would make any sense at all.

My house has not been quiet for the last several days.  Yet at the same time, it has been full or a totally different kind of communication.  And I wonder how much time will actually have to pass before the “change” really comes full circle.

On so many different occasions this weekend I literally had to bite my tongue.  Not because I had to say anything but because I’m used to saying things. I never offered up my two cents to intentionally be disrespectful- in fact I didn’t really have any idea that it could be seen that way or might feel like that.  None-the-less, I always offered it up.

It isn’t like I can say to my husband “Hey, did you notice I didn’t say anything there?” or “You know, I really wanted to say XXX but I didn’t because I respect you and I want to follow you.”  That’d kinda kill what I’m ultimately trying to accomplish.

He knows that I’ve been challenged in my respect of him, and he knows I’m working on some changes.  However, knowing that and actually feeling and seeing the effects of it are two different things.

So I’m wondering today, how long will it take before he really notices the changes on his own, without my trying to point everything out.

And since I can’t talk to him… anyone out there care to offer up some communication?

~Have you ever made a change that you didn’t want to “talk” to your husband about? Yes!  It was really weird to stop “nagging” him.  I would think about repeating something, and stop myself, and then find myself struggling not to say “I just kept myself from nagging you there…. did you notice?”

~Did he ever notice and how long did it take? He has noticed numerous changes, but honestly, I don’t think he’s noticed everything.  Maybe I feel that way because a lot of what I have changed is how I look at him, how I feel about him, what I allow myself to think about, and what I choose to say.  These thing all happened in my mind and heart, so while I think he can see changes…. I don’t believe he can fully grasp the full change because he was never inside my mind in the first place.

~How has your marriage been since making the changes? We’re growing.  I see less spats and arguments.  I see some instances where there is more concern for my feelings.  I see times when he’s more willing to talk or help out.  I feel we have some distance to cover, but we lived 10 years together in pretty disrespectful & unloving conditions, so I don’t expect the results to be instantaneous. 


I saw some changes the first week.  But then many more changes within the next month or two, and then gradually, many more changes over the next several years.

My husband DEFINITELY noticed!  He wrote a post about his perspective – check it out here.

It took a good 2 years for things to become “normal” and “natural” for me to be a godly wife.  But we both feel like we have the marriage of our dreams now and you couldn’t pay me money to make me think, say and do the things I used to do in my marriage when I was controlling, disrespectful, far from God, worried, stressed, afraid and lonely.

Now I feel cherished, loved, protected, well-provided for, peaceful, joyful, powerful, feminine, alive, and incredibly blessed in my relationship with God and my husband!

How about you?




Happy Valentine’s Day! I know this is a day where we often think about how loved we FEEL. I’d like to put a different spin on things. Let’s look at God’s love for us, His beautiful definition of love in I Corinthians 13:4-8. And let’s see how WE are doing with loving our husbands. I want you to put YOUR name where the word, “love” would usually go – and I took the liberty of modifying things a bit to fit with marriage. How loving are you?

________ is patient with her husband, even when he takes a long time answering her or she doesn’t get her way.
________ is kind to her husband, even if he is not in a good mood, is not talking with her, or answered her harshly.
She does not envy or begrudge him time with his hobbies/work/friends,
she does not boast and brag about how she is such a better spouse than he is, or about all she has to do to take care of him and what a burden he is,
she is not proud, she does not think she is always right and he is always wrong.
She is not rude to her husband, even if she thinks he deserves it,
she is not self-seeking, she looks out for what is best for him above herself,
she is not easily angered even when she has PMS,
she keeps no record of wrongs and doesn’t throw past sins in her husband’s face but truly forgives him the way Christ has forgiven her.
________ does not delight in evil, in bringing harm to her husband, she doesn’t want him to be in pain or to suffer,
but she rejoices when the truth wins.
She always protects her husband, always wants to trust him, always hopes in him, always perseveres in the marriage.
If you see some areas that need work, pray and ask God to forgive you of your sins and ask Him to fill you with His Spirit (if you are a believer – if not, message me and I will be glad to tell you how to have a relationship with Jesus!). He can empower you to love this way!

I pray we will all love our husbands and families and those around us with God’s love like this by His power and for His greatest glory. Let us be known by our LOVE for one another! That is how the world will know we belong to Him.

Baby Steps

This is an email from a wife (with her permission) – I think it may be very encouraging to those of you who are beginning the journey to become a godly wife – to learn to submit to and respect your husband and most of all to ultimately learn to reverence and submit to Christ!
Thank you for asking….I think I am good…I continue to work on respecting my husband and being patient.  The respecting part really has been a pretty smooth transition for me…it is the patience and making sure that my prayers for my husband are not  intended for my own gain…(not for what I want him to change but) that I am actually praying for my husband’s leadership and growth.  This is the hardest part for me…
Some success stories from the past week:
1. We went to the local grocery store on Saturday morning…never would have been my choice but DH wanted to.…the place was a mad house to say the least…now in the past the trip very likely could have become stressful.
I held my tongue and allowed DH to choose things without my comments on the cost, brand or quantity.  As we went to checkout  DH chose the self-checkout…again not my first choice due to all the produce we had in the cart…not fun to enter all those individual codes. Typically I would have jumped in and took over…I am far the superior cashier:)  But instead I walked to the end of the lane and did not say a word besides helping to bag and contain our six year old. 
I was amazed to watch as my husband calmly went through the items in the cart, he actually figured it all out without my help:)  As we walked out of the store I complimented him on his check out skills…I swear I witnessed him almost stand taller…he smiled and laughed and said,  “I did well, didn’t I?”
Ok, so I know this is minor in the whole picture of things but the thing that stuck out in my mind is how this very minor incident set the tone for our whole dayDH walked away feeling good and it stayed with us all for hours.  Now in the past we would have not been in a full argument or anything but we both could have walked away feeling stressed and irritated with each other due to my need to try and take over the situation.
2. We live in a very small neighborhood and our neighbors are good friends.   DH and I try to do date night every couple of months but truthfully the cost of the babysitter can deter us from going out at times.  I started thinking last week – why do we all just keep sitting around on Saturday night in our separate houses attempting to entertain our children when we could pool our resources and give everyone a little break.  So I first asked DH if he was on board….typically I would have planned and then told him what I was up to….he agreed to my little plan.
I talked with the other wives in the neighborhood with small children and now we have scheduled date night for all couples for the next three months with free babysitting….here is how it works…we picked a Saturday in December that is free for all families…one family is designated as the stay home couple…the other two couples are free to spend a Saturday evening however they desire.  The stay home couple will provide dinner, entertainment (which truthfully with our kiddos is only supervision at this point they entertain each other), movie and snacks.  We picked numbers out of a hat….we picked the first night home.  DH comment when I told him, “You may just end up saving everyone’s marriage, this is one of your best ideas yet:)
3. I think the other thing that sticks out in my mind over the last couple of weeks is how many times in the past I have pressured and stressed about the time it was taking my husband to make a decision when truthfully he was just thinking it over in his own way.  I cannot tell you how many times I have asked my DH in the last few weeks a question, not a big decision ie, “What time do you want to leave for my parents on Thanksgiving.?”  My husband will respond, “I am not sure let me think about it.”  I have in the past gotten frustrated and impatient, really how hard is this.  Now I catch myself, remind myself that this is just how he is processes and let it go.  So much more peaceful on both of our ends…and the world has not even come to an end:)

A Peacefulwife VIDEO!


My Old Ways vs. My New Ways.

For those of you who have missed out on my Facebook videos – here is a brand new one – my first on my blog!  WOOHOO!

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