“I Need to Change! I Can’t Go on Like This!”

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This wife read a post for the first time on my blog – and has graciously allowed me to share her comment. I think a lot of us may be able to relate to this sister in Christ:

This post – “A Fellow Wife Begins a New Challenge – I’m Actually Going to Believe My Husband” – was very helpful for me as I was searching the web trying to fix my controlling behavior, and understand the negative behavior I practice daily with my husband and as a result, I believe with God, too.

I am not sure why, but I am very controlling, very questioning, slow to trust, doubtful that what my husband is telling me is true, and very snoopy.

I have recently reached out for help because I believe this behavior needs to stop ASAP but i am not sure where it comes from. My husband is generally a very trustworthy man.

I constantly:
– ask him who’s calling/why he doesn’t answer/why they are calling.
– ask him where he was if he was late.
– ask him why he does everything he does.
– check his Facebook and search history.
– act like a private investigator to his life, checking every search, every phone call, checking bank account every hour to see where he spends and then call and ask why he spent that.
– try to keep him from doing anything harmful, no matter what the cost – fighting, yelling, and screaming.
– FEAR him dying from lung cancer, or having wrinkles or bad teeth from smoking.
– give him a disgusting dirty look if he says a bad word.
– pout when he doesn’t spend time with me.
– drive by his friend’s house to see if he is where he said he would be.
– FEAR he finds another woman more attractive than me.
– ask him why he looked at every person he looked at.
– accuse him of staring at a girl too long.
– get very upset and not speak to him the whole night if I believe he looked at another woman.
– question him about everything!!

You get the point. It is a painful way to live. I do not want to live this way. I say I trust the Lord, but do I? Do I even trust him with my own husband who is a believer and loves the Lord?  My husband is His – so why do I try so hard to make him who I want him to be?

When I was with my last boyfriend, I did the same type of stuff compulsively. And I believe I have carried it into my marriage.

I am worried and want this to stop. I started thinking that since my husband is not jealous, and since he doesn’t try to look at all my stuff and since he clearly doesn’t obsess about what I am doing, or question me about anything – he must not love me as much or the same way I do him, for some reason I am associating jealous and unhealthy behavior to mean love. But then I meditated on these verses…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7

Every single thing in this passage describes my husband. It describes my God. It does not describe me.

I even started to wonder suspiciously why my husband forgives me so easily and so quickly?  Has he done something that if I find out about in the future he will need to make sure he stores up enough forgiveness toward me to make sure I forgive him? He must be doing something terrible or already done something (this is how awful my brain works…) I still can’t say that I fully believe that is a crazy statement and that its not true.

I believe I need to repent, and rely on God and pray He change me, but I feel I have done that before and nothing changes. Is there anything else I can do besides read blogs, books, and pray? I try to change so badly but what am I doing wrong 🙁 ?

I just hope someone can help me. I truly want to change. I really am hurting.

God bless you all.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I believe this wife is in the right place. I think of my online sites as a spiritual “ER” where the hurting, sick, and wounded can come to find healing in the arms of Christ and in the truth of His Word. There are TONS of posts here that I believe God can and will use to bless women – drawing them to Himself. If you are just beginning your journey, the posts at the top of my home page may be a good place to start. You may also search my home page for topics or search by category on the right hand column of my home page. 

I also have a Youtube channel, “April Cassidy,” with dozens of videos about topics related to living for Christ, becoming a godly woman, and becoming a godly wife/girlfriend.

If you need more detailed help or a more organized approach to this journey, my first book is releasing officially on January 27th! Amazon.com is already shipping it: The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.  

I believe that this book is the closest thing to me personally mentoring wives. It might even be better, in some ways! The thing I love about books is that you can read and reread over and over again, take notes, stop and cry, stop and pray, and highlight things.  I personally had to re-read some books over and over – every day for months – earlier in my journey to really learn to let go of my old toxic ways of thinking and to embrace and solidify God’s truth in my heart.

take my readers through the beginning steps of this road and build the framework for God’s design for godly femininity, living for Christ, and becoming a godly wife. My prayer is that God might use me somehow to “put the dots closer” for those who come behind me than they were for me when I began this journey 7 years ago.

If you are getting frustrated, have questions, or need to talk about something – please comment! I’d love to do all I can to point you to Christ and to the healing available in Him for each of us. I try to be as available as I can here on the blog. My goal is to respond to every comment.

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we can do is to spend time in God’s Word, at His feet, inviting His Spirit into our hearts and lives to change us. 

If you want to share what God is doing in your life, please comment, as well. 🙂

SHARE:

How did you feel when God first flipped the light switch for you in your heart like this? What helped you the most when God opened your eyes to how much He desired you to change? You are most welcome to share your story. Every woman’s (and man’s) story displays a unique facet of God’s love, power, mercy, and grace. He may use your story to greatly bless someone else and to build up and bless the Body of Christ.

Much love!

"I Need to Change! I Can't Go on Like This!"

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This wife read a post for the first time on my blog – and has graciously allowed me to share her comment. I think a lot of us may be able to relate to this sister in Christ:

This post – “A Fellow Wife Begins a New Challenge – I’m Actually Going to Believe My Husband” – was very helpful for me as I was searching the web trying to fix my controlling behavior, and understand the negative behavior I practice daily with my husband and as a result, I believe with God, too.

I am not sure why, but I am very controlling, very questioning, slow to trust, doubtful that what my husband is telling me is true, and very snoopy.

I have recently reached out for help because I believe this behavior needs to stop ASAP but i am not sure where it comes from. My husband is generally a very trustworthy man.

I constantly:
– ask him who’s calling/why he doesn’t answer/why they are calling.
– ask him where he was if he was late.
– ask him why he does everything he does.
– check his Facebook and search history.
– act like a private investigator to his life, checking every search, every phone call, checking bank account every hour to see where he spends and then call and ask why he spent that.
– try to keep him from doing anything harmful, no matter what the cost – fighting, yelling, and screaming.
– FEAR him dying from lung cancer, or having wrinkles or bad teeth from smoking.
– give him a disgusting dirty look if he says a bad word.
– pout when he doesn’t spend time with me.
– drive by his friend’s house to see if he is where he said he would be.
– FEAR he finds another woman more attractive than me.
– ask him why he looked at every person he looked at.
– accuse him of staring at a girl too long.
– get very upset and not speak to him the whole night if I believe he looked at another woman.
– question him about everything!!

You get the point. It is a painful way to live. I do not want to live this way. I say I trust the Lord, but do I? Do I even trust him with my own husband who is a believer and loves the Lord?  My husband is His – so why do I try so hard to make him who I want him to be?

When I was with my last boyfriend, I did the same type of stuff compulsively. And I believe I have carried it into my marriage.

I am worried and want this to stop. I started thinking that since my husband is not jealous, and since he doesn’t try to look at all my stuff and since he clearly doesn’t obsess about what I am doing, or question me about anything – he must not love me as much or the same way I do him, for some reason I am associating jealous and unhealthy behavior to mean love. But then I meditated on these verses…

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. I Corinthians 13:4-7

Every single thing in this passage describes my husband. It describes my God. It does not describe me.

I even started to wonder suspiciously why my husband forgives me so easily and so quickly?  Has he done something that if I find out about in the future he will need to make sure he stores up enough forgiveness toward me to make sure I forgive him? He must be doing something terrible or already done something (this is how awful my brain works…) I still can’t say that I fully believe that is a crazy statement and that its not true.

I believe I need to repent, and rely on God and pray He change me, but I feel I have done that before and nothing changes. Is there anything else I can do besides read blogs, books, and pray? I try to change so badly but what am I doing wrong 🙁 ?

I just hope someone can help me. I truly want to change. I really am hurting.

God bless you all.

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

I believe this wife is in the right place. I think of my online sites as a spiritual “ER” where the hurting, sick, and wounded can come to find healing in the arms of Christ and in the truth of His Word. There are TONS of posts here that I believe God can and will use to bless women – drawing them to Himself. If you are just beginning your journey, the posts at the top of my home page may be a good place to start. You may also search my home page for topics or search by category on the right hand column of my home page. 

I also have a Youtube channel, “April Cassidy,” with dozens of videos about topics related to living for Christ, becoming a godly woman, and becoming a godly wife/girlfriend.

If you need more detailed help or a more organized approach to this journey, my first book is releasing officially on January 27th! Amazon.com is already shipping it: The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord.  

I believe that this book is the closest thing to me personally mentoring wives. It might even be better, in some ways! The thing I love about books is that you can read and reread over and over again, take notes, stop and cry, stop and pray, and highlight things.  I personally had to re-read some books over and over – every day for months – earlier in my journey to really learn to let go of my old toxic ways of thinking and to embrace and solidify God’s truth in my heart.

take my readers through the beginning steps of this road and build the framework for God’s design for godly femininity, living for Christ, and becoming a godly wife. My prayer is that God might use me somehow to “put the dots closer” for those who come behind me than they were for me when I began this journey 7 years ago.

If you are getting frustrated, have questions, or need to talk about something – please comment! I’d love to do all I can to point you to Christ and to the healing available in Him for each of us. I try to be as available as I can here on the blog. My goal is to respond to every comment.

THE MOST IMPORTANT thing we can do is to spend time in God’s Word, at His feet, inviting His Spirit into our hearts and lives to change us. 

If you want to share what God is doing in your life, please comment, as well. 🙂

SHARE:

How did you feel when God first flipped the light switch for you in your heart like this? What helped you the most when God opened your eyes to how much He desired you to change? You are most welcome to share your story. Every woman’s (and man’s) story displays a unique facet of God’s love, power, mercy, and grace. He may use your story to greatly bless someone else and to build up and bless the Body of Christ.

Much love!

A Wife Shares How God Is Leading Her from MAJOR Fear to Strong Faith

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This dear sister in Christ shares what God has been showing her. I shared the first part of her story here. I am so thankful that she has allowed me to bless y’all with her story:

God has brought me a really long way since I last wrote. At the time I was dealing with severe mental and spiritual warfare and torment concerning fears about my baby. I was struggling in my marriage as well.

The obsessive fear did not just go away, but continued to be severe even after having our healthy baby girl and this situation lasted for months. I tried to find my way out but struggled without success. I consulted my pastor, who gave me wise advise and I went back to the advise you had given me. The things that you had written helped me, as well as some of your posts on fear, idols, etc have been extremely helpful to me, though not easy to swallow.

Shortly after this, my conscious trip towards deliverance began.

Of course the obsessions about my daughter’s health were just the top of the mountain of my problem, which in reality was that my soul could no longer be convinced about God’s goodness and sovereignty, in a way that I could experience peace and safety in His arms. I realize that this is the cause of my main struggles in my marriage too.

 

So, God revealed several truths to me using your blog, my personal study of the Bible, and seeking His face. Here are a few of them:

  • That I can’t feel and understand God’s sovereignty for what my future holds, because I do not realize or trust His sovereignty in the present. In order to trust Him for my future, I need first to experience Him being in control in my life right now.
  • That I am not experiencing the power of the Holy Spirit in defeating my fears and having victory, because I am not filled with the Spirit and do not have His fruit (joy and peace etc) and that is because there is sin in my heart (idols, pride, not respecting my husband, etc…).
  • That I haven’t let Him prove Himself good to me in regards to the bad things that happened in my past, but I have instead accepted the lies of the Devil that have totally distorted God’s image in my heart. I haven’t let Him heal me from my past wounds.
  • That I have been keeping idols in my heart for a long time (like being obsessed with the wish to have a baby) and I have been building my life on these idols, and that is why when these idols were torn down, so was my life torn down with them (like when I miscarried in my so desperately wanted first pregnancy). Also, He showed me that even though the idols were torn down, I still had not recognized them as idols and denied them, but in reality what I have been doing was sitting down and mourning over their broken pieces, and that is why my life was stuck and I was not getting healed. I could not get over the hurt about the miscarriage even though I was experiencing God’s restoration in that He gave me another baby! I wasn’t letting go. (From Peacefulwife, desiring a baby is a good thing, and mourning over a loss is normal and necessary. There will be a lot of emotions and grief in that situation. That is inevitable. It is not wrong to desire a baby or to mourn over a tragic miscarriage. The issue comes when we put something – anything – above Christ in our hearts and desire those things, even if they are good things, more than we desire Christ, that is what she is talking about.)
  • That He is doing a work of demolition and reconstruction in my heart. He is building the walls of my soul like Nehemiah was building the walls of Jerusalem and it is going to be a process rather than an instant relief. Most importantly, He is reconstructing His temple in my heart, which means He is rebuilding the truth in my heart about Who He is. He showed me that I need to be patient through this process, fighting to seek Him and fighting to stick on His promises, while He is “taming my heart” all over again.

 

So my journey started when I realized I needed to do it God’s way. That was concerning the obsessive fears that were destroying my everyday life, because that was the most urgent problem in my life at the time.

It has not been easy – dealing with all the demonic oppression, trying to invest time in some serious prayer, worship, and study in order to survive just through the day while I needed to be a mother, which was a new challenge in my life. There were many times I thought I wasn’t going to make it, but I knew I needed to persevere if I ever wanted to be free. I was suffering anyway, so I thought – let the suffering be toward deliverance. I don’t know how I made it through some days.

I had to learn to wait on God even if it felt like I’m dying. I had to deny any other comfort to my obsession and fears, that I was so addicted to, and remain with all the lies playing over and over in my head until God’s peace started to gradually replace them. I had to do it His way. There were times I felt paralyzed, just struggling to breathe… I think I maybe was having panic attacks. (From Peacefulwife –  please seek godly, wise, biblical help if you are struggling this much and even medical help if necessary!!)

By God’s grace, I can witness that I am doing much much better!

I have been facing some challenges during this pregnancy as well, like fears trying to take over again, but it is nothing like it was before, God is giving me the grace to have victory over them. I see there is still the tendency for me to fall into fear, it looks like my soul is still easily influenced by fearful thoughts, but this time I am learning how to take these fears to God and let Him put His truth in my heart, instead of trying to find a way out, in my own wisdom, which in reality is foolishness. I am trying to avoid any kind of conversation with the devil. It takes practice. And a lot of caution and prayer.

The Devil is smart, sometimes it looks like he may be gaining ground again. But when I hide myself in God, I can be smarter than him, I can overcome his attacks and move forward – by God’s power in me. So, I’m learning that every day. I’m still learning and seeking God and waiting until He finishes the work of construction that He started in my heart, so I can one day witness that fear is a completely defeated enemy in my life. God will convince my soul that He is bigger than all my fears, meaning that He has the way to cover my soul from getting harmed no matter what happens.

RELATED:

Fear Fuels Our Need to Control

Facing Our Deepest Fears

Experiencing God’s Victory Over Fear

What Does Casting Your Cares on the Lord Look Like?

The Idol of Happiness

How to Make Your Husband an Idol

The Answer to All Your Marriage Problems