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Tired of Being Groped by Your Husband?

Photo by andrew welch on Unsplash

The usual scenario goes like this:

  1. A husband playfully gropes his wife with a grin.**
  2. She instantly gets angry and upset. Maybe she says something (in an irritated tone of voice) like:
    • “Get away from me!”
    • “You are so immature!!”
    • “What is wrong with you?”
    • “Why would you do that in front of the kids?”
    • “Don’t touch me!”
    • “What are you, some kind of pig or something?”
    • “You haven’t even talked to me yet today. What do you think you’re doing!?”
    • “Can’t you see I am trying to make supper!?!”
    • Or maybe she just slaps his hands away and scowls at him.
  3. He is confused and surprised by her negative reaction and the insults.
  4. She feels offended, unloved, annoyed, and irritated.
  5. He feels angry, unloved, lonely, and rejected.

Both spouses end up feeling misunderstood and resentful, thinking the other spouse was inconsiderate and unloving.

  • She thinks he is uncivilized and barbaric. She feels like a piece of meat instead of like a treasured wife. She decides to stay as far away from him as possible so he doesn’t get any more ideas. She may even feel like she needs to punish him so that he will learn not to do that again.
  • He truly didn’t intend any harm. He just wanted to be playful. Now, he may believe that his wife rejected him and his love, not just his rather unrefined approach. Now the only woman in the world he longs to be close to is angry and distant and he isn’t sure how to fix it. He tends to base his sense of how good of a job he is doing as a husband by his wife’s happiness, even though she may not know that, and now he feels like a failure. The whole day seems ruined.

The good news is, once we understand how our husband thinks and what his needs are, we can learn to translate his masculine approach in a positive way through our feminine filters.

Instead of getting offended…

You could choose to be playful in return, and welcome his advances. Who knows? It could actually turn out to be fun!
  • Tickle him.
  • Pull him toward you and give him a huge hug.
  • Smile and grab his hands and try to hold them behind his back and ask, “Now, where are my handcuffs when I need them?”
  • Stop what you are doing and give him all of your attention. Be playful, too.
  • Smile and say, “I knew I should have ordered that suit of armor from Amazon when it was on sale last month.”
You may feel better just to realize that he is trying to be playful, fun, and flirting with you in his own masculine way. That he isn’t purposely trying to irritate you. That may completely end the problem for you and you may be able to respond back in a fun way.
Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Prov. 19:11
However, if the groping thing still really bothers you, you can redirect him and gently let him know what you would prefer. Let’s talk about some possible ways to do that!

What Can a Wife Do If She Hates to Be Groped?

We want our husbands to change their approach, so this may require our being willing to change our approach first.

  • Recognize that, unless you are facing some rather extreme issues**, he likely truly has good will toward you and probably didn’t intend to upset you.
  • He probably does care about your happiness quite a bit.
  • Appreciate his good desire to love, connect, and be playful with you.
  • Realize that he is wired differently from you. Some things about his approach to you are not necessarily wrong, it’s just different from what you may prefer.
  • Remember that he doesn’t have a Hollywood female script writer or a crystal ball to tell him what you would like. He’s just a regular guy who is doing his best to be romantic with you in his own way in real life. He may not be great with words, so he may be trying to connect physically.
  • Focus on the good things about him and all the sweet, kind, thoughtful things he does for you.
  • Keep in mind that reacting in a really negative way could crush his soul and make him feel rejected sexually and rejected as a man. Men do have feelings, even though they look so big and tough. If he gets angry or shuts down – that is probably because he feels hurt.
  • Consider being thankful to have a husband who loves you and wants to connect sexually and who wants to flirt in some way. This is actually a huge gift! Not every wife is so blessed.

(For more on these topics, check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s book full of amazingly helpful information about men, “For Women Only.”)

Changing the Dynamics

What can you do in the moment to encourage him to stop groping? A few suggestions to prayerfully consider (but ultimately, seek to do what you believe would honor the Lord most in your situation):

  • Smile at him, and then sweetly put his hands where you would rather they go. And say in a friendly voice, “That’s more my speed. I like this approach.”
  • Smile and say in a flirty, fun way, “Oh, no! It doesn’t work like that, Honey. You don’t just go up to your amazing wife and grab her like that. Let me show you how this is properly done…” And let him be the “wife” and then you model for him how you would like for him to approach you.
  • Smile and say, “I know I am super irresistible! But a beautiful woman like me is delicate and tender. Maybe instead of grabbing me, I’d love it if you…”
  • Smile and say, “Groping is not really my thing, but I do love that you desire me. Would you like to know what is my thing that you could do?…”
  • Smile and say, “If you really want to help me get ready to enjoy being with you later, I’d love for you to try this…”
  • Smile and say, “You know what? I’d love it if you come up behind me at the sink and put your arms around my waist and lean all up against my back. That would feel amazing. I think I may start to melt if you did that. Could be dangerous.” 😉
  • Share in a whisper, “I don’t really care for being grabbed like that. But you know what you could do that would really be a huge turn on for me, Baby?” And then tell him – in a friendly, positive way – what would help get you in the mood.
  • Say, “Grabbing me makes me tense up because it hurts. If you really want to sweep me off my feet when you come home and get me to melt for you, here are some sure-fire ways to do it…”
  • Approach in a warm way with a sense of humor – but don’t insult him.
  • Or take some time to have a sweet, fun talk about each of your preferences for flirting and being playful with each other where you both seek to understand each other.

Key points:

  • Smile. Your smile is one of his favorite things in the entire world. It is one of your greatest gifts to him!
  • Be respectful – it honors God, your husband, and yourself when you treat your husband well. (Eph. 5:22-33, 1 Cor. 7:3-5)
  • Be friendly with your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language.
  • Avoid insulting him, shaming him, or disrespecting him.
  • Be positive about what you do want and your good feelings for him. Focus more on inspiring him to do what you would like than talking about what you don’t like.
  • Let him know that you are NOT rejecting him or sexual connection with him, that you love and accept him and his desire for you.
  • Be sure to share a few things you truly would enjoy that he could do.
  • Don’t expect him to read your mind or get subtle hints.
  • Share what you would like briefly, directly, and vulnerably.
  • Ask for what you want respectfully.
  • Be a safe place for him emotionally.

It’s also helpful to remember that as husband and wife, we are one flesh. Our bodies do belong to each other (1 Cor. 7:3-5). So we want to try to be as inviting and welcoming as we can. But we can also ask to be treated with respect.

The following verse applies to all believers, and it can certainly be a blessing in marriage, too.

Outdo one another in showing honor. Rom. 12:10

THEN

When he approaches you in a way you really like – and he doesn’t grope you – REWARD him!

Thank him. Tell him – and even better – show him how much you love that approach by being responsive to the approach you like.

If It Continues

If he still continues to grope you after you have tried this new way several times – and it is something you feel you can’t overlook:

  • Pray and invite God to show you just the right way and right time for you to talk to your husband about this issue. God’s Spirit is full of wisdom and He loves to give His children discernment and help with our marriage issues. He wants our marriages to flourish.
  • Be a bit more firm, but still respectful, and say something like, “I love you. I love for you to touch me. But I truly do not like to be pinched and groped. Especially in front of other people. It feels disrespectful to me.”
  • Gently say, “You know how you really hate it if I do X to you and I try to respect you by avoiding that? Groping is something that I just do not like. I would greatly appreciate it if you would respect my preference on this, please. I want us both to feel respected and loved.”
  • You may consider gently taking his face in your hands and looking into his eyes with a serious expression and whispering something like, “I feel disrespected when you approach me like this. It doesn’t feel good to me. I want you to enjoy touching me. And I also want to enjoy it, too.'”
  • Say simply, “I really don’t like the grabbing thing, Honey.” Then maybe move his arms to give you a sweet hug that you would enjoy.
  • Invite him to read Intended for Pleasure that is listed below – with you.

The goal is for both husband and wife to feel loved, respected, desired, and appreciated.

We, as wives, have tons of powerful influence to direct things so that we can reach a win/win for everyone, especially as we invite the Lord into the situation to give us wisdom!

A prayer you may want to pray with me…

Lord,

In marriage, things sure can get complicated sometimes. We all need grace, forgiveness, mercy, and unconditional love for each other and from each other. Help me see this issue with new eyes. Help me appreciate my husband’s very different perspective on life and help me see that maybe his intentions aren’t as evil as I had previously assumed. Help me understand that a lot of times, he is just different from me, not necessarily “wrong.” He is not my enemy. We are teammates.

Help me to let go of a spirit of offense or bitterness. I don’t want any resentment, malice, or contempt in my heart for my husband. That stuff is toxic to me spiritually and it is toxic to our marriage. I repent of it. Empower me to pour Your love, Life, and healing into our marriage. Even with this little issue.

Help us both understand how we can build each other up and create more unity and oneness that will honor You. Help me learn to approach my husband in ways that honor You, even when he is doing something I don’t like. I am not justified in sinning against him just because I don’t like his approach.

Thank You that You are working in both of us and that You will finish the good work You have started. Thank You that You have so much wisdom for us in Your Word and that You give us the ability to pray about issues. Thank You that You have the ability to change our hearts and to grow our marriage. I praise and thank You that You are going to help us both move forward with understanding, patience, and grace for one another. I don’t want to let the enemy divide and destroy us over this little thing. Be greatly glorified in our marriage and in my life.

Amen!

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If you have something encouraging to share on this topic, we’d love to hear about it!

For this post, comments will be ladies only, please.

My Commenting Policy

RELATED

Let’s Talk about Sex – This post has every link to every post I have written about sex. Including topics like – boundaries with sex in marriage, dealing with jealousy, desiring greater emotional connection, sexual dysfunction, one spouse having a higher libido than the other, ED, attraction, body image issues, and much more.

How and When Should We Look Over an Offense? – by www.gotquestions.org

What Is Attractive/Unattractive to Our Husbands?

25 Ways to Respect Myself

Isn’t It Demeaning to Me If I Respect My Husband?

What Really Speaks Respect to My Husband

How Satan Would Love to Destroy Your Marriage through Your Thought Life

Why Do I Have to Change First?

How to Have a Saving Relationship with Christ

RESOURCES

1. Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat MD may be very helpful (for you both, actually – and most husbands love this book, too) to help you just begin to have a solid foundational understanding of each other biologically and emotionally and for God’s beautiful design for sex in marriage.
2. Unlock Your Libido, an ebook by Bonny Logsdon Burns may be helpful especially if you tend to have a low libido, or you want some practical tips and suggestions to help you with increasing your sexual desire for your husband.
3.  For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn opened up a much greater understanding for me, and thousands of other women, about how to better understand our men and the biggest differences between us.

 

** Note, if your husband has a severe porn addiction, please seek help at www.xxxchurch.com or another Christian resource for porn addictions. If your husband is involved in unrepentant infidelity, please seek experienced, godly one-on-one counsel with someone you trust locally. If your husband is abusive and you – or your children – are not safe please try to get somewhere safe and get all the help you need from your church, from the police, from experienced counselors, etc… If your husband is mentally unwell or has severe addictions, please reach out for help, as well.

Also, if you realize that you hate for your husband to touch you at all, or that you hate sex in general, check to see if you have any wounds in your own heart and life related to sex that may need to be healed – from any sexual abuse in the past, or from hurtful messages that sex is “dirty” even in marriage. If you do, you may need some help from a trusted, experienced, godly counselor.

www.biblicalcounseling.com

www.focusonthefamily.com

 

When You Want Your Husband to Initiate Sex

Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash

It’s beneficial for wives to know that this is a pretty common issue. They are not alone. In my research, my understanding is that for 40% of couples, the wife has the higher sex drive. Of course, this dynamic changes even in an individual marriage over time. Men tend to reach their sexual peak in their early twenties. Women tend to reach their sexual peak in their later thirties or forties. And everyone has his/her own unique issues going on, as well. So most couples will rarely have identical sexual appetites. And, in my experience, if a wife tends to have a stronger personality and a husband tends to have a more passive personality, this issue may crop up even more often. So this topic is something we all can seek to learn to handle with grace.

Today, I am primarily talking to wives whose husbands are physically fairly healthy and who do not have medical issues causing low testosterone, ED, or low sex drive. I am also not talking about situations involving active infidelity or severe alcohol, drug, or porn addictions. I’m also assuming that your husband is home fairly often and not out of town for extended periods of time. Obviously, he can’t initiate sex if he isn’t there.

If you are feeling frustrated and hurt, I do understand that this is very painful. It hurts deeply to feel rejected sexually by your own spouse – whether he knows how much you are hurting or not, and whether he intends for you to hurt or not. There are so many emotions attached to this issue. It can be an extremely sensitive subject – for both spouses. If things are extremely painful, it may be helpful to meet with a godly, biblical counselor or trusted godly wife mentor.

Today I am talking about situations where the husband is willing to have sex, but maybe the wife usually tends to initiate intimacy most and the wife tends to desire sex more often than her husband seems to.

Just a head’s-up: What I am going to share is going to feel very counter-intuitive. It is going to seem like the opposite of what your feelings are clamoring for you to do. But I think this approach is going to be very much worth a try. <3

Things that won’t work:

  • Verbal pressure (Prov. 21:9):
    • Directives or demands.
      • You have to…
      • You should…
      • You better…
    • Insults:
      • If you were a real man you would…
      • You must be gay if you don’t want sex with me.
      • Something has to be wrong with you.
    • Threats:
      • If you don’t do this, I’ll…
    • Interrogation (questions with an angry, irritated, resentful tone):
      • You don’t love me anymore, do you?
      • How could you possibly not be attracted to me now?
    • Violence
      • Throwing things.
      • Hitting him, trying to physically hurt him.
  • Flirt with other men to try to make him jealous.
  • Complain to him or to others. (Phil. 2:14-16)
  • Argue with him. (Phil. 2:14-16)
  • Be needy and clingy. (1 Cor. 13:4-6)
  • Express lots of negative emotions/crying.(Prov. 25:28)
  • Give him icy silence, the “cold shoulder,” bitterness, and resentment. (Heb. 12:15)

Love does no harm to a neighbor. Rom. 13:10

Things that tend to help:

  • Refrain from talking about sex at all temporarily (at least for a month or two, possibly longer, as God leads).
  • Pray and invite God to bring healing into your sexual union with your husband for His glory.
  • Rest in God’s love for you, be content in Christ, focus on growing in your faith and finding your security in Christ.
  • Give your husband some time and space to feel his desire for you. If you initiate every day or every other day, he may feel like he doesn’t get the opportunity to initiate, himself.
  • Take your thoughts captive for Christ, don’t allow the enemy to direct your thoughts.
  • Face this trial with joy, allowing God to use it to help you grow spiritually.
  • Get rid of any negative approach, words, resentment, bitterness, or unforgiveness.
  • Focus on the good things (Phil. 4:8) about your husband/ marriage and on being thankful for the things he does.
  • Be friendly, positive, soft, warm, inviting, and welcoming.
  • Respond in the power of the fruit of the Holy Spirit with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Gal. 5:22-23)
  • Enjoy cuddling with your husband if he is open to that.
  • Be loyal, trustworthy, and completely dependable – only doing good to him, never harm. (Prov. 31:10-31)
  • Extend patience, understanding, and compassion to him when he is exhausted, sick, injured, grieving over a loss in his life, or overworked.
  • Respond with dignity, poise, self-respect, respect for your husband, and self-control when things don’t work out the way you had hoped. (Gal. 5:22-23)
  • Be available but waiting for him to initiate (this may take a few weeks, even a month or more, depending on the situation.)
  • Don’t measure his love for you or your security in the marriage by how many times per week you have sex or how many times per month he initiates. It is not an accurate measure, necessarily, and it probably makes you feel like you need to pressure him too much.
  • Enjoy whatever time, attention, and affection he gives you.
  • Respond positively when he flirts or is affectionate.
  • Let him know how much you love his attention and desire for you when he does shower you with these things.
  • Use the time you have for yourself to focus on spiritual oneness with the Lord and on growing in your faith.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:4-7

NOTE:

Yes, the Lord calls us as spouses to be voluntarily willing and cooperative when our spouse desires sex. (1 Cor. 7:3-5) Each spouse is responsible for himself/herself to seek to be generous and available to his/her spouse. We are not given a command that we can force ourselves or take what we want from our spouse. (I have 2 video on this. Video 1, Video 2)

RELATED

Let’s Talk about Sex – This post has links to every post I have written on the subject of sex. There are many posts related to wives who desire sex more than their husbands, wives who don’t want sex as much as their husbands do, as well as numerous other issues.

When You Want a Baby but Your Husband Doesn’t

A Big Lightbulb about Contentment

What Do I Do with My Desire for Emotional/Verbal Connection?

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

What If My Husband Doesn’t Care about My Happiness?

Laying Down Expectations

Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority! – by A Fellow Wife

A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space

What Is Attractive/Unattractive to Husbands?

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If God has shown you things about how to approach your husband wisely and in productive ways regarding this issue and you would like to share anonymously in a future (rated G) post, please send me a message on my Contact page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I actually have a post with links to every article I have written related to sex here if you need some additional resources about a wide variety of issues.

Can I Be a Sexually Immoral Christian?

Photo by mark chaves on Unsplash

Here’s the short answer:

Nope.

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.  I Corinthians 6:9-11

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Eph. 5:3

No sin is compatible with Christ.

Sin is an archery term that means “to miss the mark.”  Sin is anything that misses the mark of God’s standard of holy perfection. If we miss the target by 1/2 an inch. That is a “sin.”  If we miss it by 100 feet, that is also a “sin.”

If we cherish and cling to sin  – ANY sin – we forfeit the power of the Holy Spirit working in us if we are believers.  Sin deeply grieves the Spirit of God. God cannot tolerate the presence of even microscopic amounts of sin. He is HOLY. And He calls us to live holy lives – free from all sin. God’s Spirit dwells in us if we are believers. We are His temple. But we can grieve God’s Spirit and lose fellowship with Him (Ephesians 4).

If Christ is our Lord, we don’t lose our salvation if we sin – but we stop abiding in Christ and we lose the power of His Spirit that we need to live in obedience to Him. We lose the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-33) and begin to be controlled again by the sinful nature (Galatians 5:19-21).

And if Christ is our Lord – we will not be ok with losing His fellowship. God’s Spirit will work on us to convict us and bring us to repentance quickly unless we harden our hearts.

Of course, if we have never received Christ as our Savior and LORD, we don’t have the Holy Spirit to start with – so God is not in us. Maybe we walked down the aisle at church, said a prayer, and filled out a card, but there was no heart and life change. Maybe we think we are Christians, because we go to church sometimes, but we really don’t know God and don’t have any desire to live for Him or to seek His will. We may, in that situation, be able to live in sin and not have any prick of conscience. In this state, it is possible to call oneself a “Christian” and to continue in major sin. But that is only because we don’t realize what it means to be a Christian.

I cannot embrace sin AND Jesus.  I must choose one or the other.

That sounds really radical, right?

In our own power – it IS COMPLETELY impossible for us to live sinless lives.  We HAVE to have God’s Spirit living in us or we can’t begin to do this. God says that our own attempts at right living and holiness look like “dirty, bloody, filthy menstrual rags” in His sight. Isaiah 64:6. There is nothing good in us on our own. We are all wretched sinners.

  • For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23
  • The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 6:23
  • Jesus answered, “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. No one comes to the Father but through Me.” John 14:6

Jesus talks about the cost of following Him – and it is Lordship:

  • Anyone who loves Me will obey Me… if anyone does not obey Me, he does not love Me. John 14:22,24
  • Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it. Matthew 10:37-39

Someone who belongs to Christ cares about what Jesus cares about. 

If I claim Christ as my Savior and LORD, then HE is my greatest priority and love. By a long shot. Knowing Him is my most passionate goal. Pleasing Him is what I long to do more than anything out of thankfulness and amazement for all that He has done to die in my place and take the wrath of God I deserved upon Himself. I don’t obey Him to “earn” heaven. I can’t earn heaven. Only Jesus can earn heaven. Only He lived a perfect life that was totally pleasing to God. I obey Him because I am overflowing with love and gratitude to Him because of what He did for me.

If Jesus is my LORD and my God – He can ask me to do anything and I can only say with joy, “YES, LORD!”

  • If you do not have Jesus as the Lord of your life – or you have questions, please ask me!! I’m glad to talk with you about how you can know Jesus and have the eternal life He offers to you! Leave me a comment, please!

When Jesus is my Lord, He changes my heart, my desires, my priorities, my thoughts and my character. I DIE to my old sinful nature, it is crucified with Christ on the cross and I put on my new nature in Christ and live in the power of His Spirit. I am a new creation! Old things have passed away. Now I live for God.

If I enjoy something God clearly labels as sin or have no qualms with allowing that thing a place in my life – something is seriously wrong.  

If I can sit and wallow in wrongdoing of any type – and feel no shame and feel no urgency to repent and no grief at what I am doing to Jesus – I am spiritually dead and I do not know Him, or at the very best, I am in a spiritual coma. I need to immediately investigate whether I am saved. The solution is the same either way. I must admit my wrongdoing and turn from it to Jesus and yield my life to His Lordship.

Someone who belongs to Christ and is alive to Him will:

  • hunger for Him
  • thirst for God’s Word
  • desire to know God more
  • have spiritual appetites for God’s presence, prayer and God’s Word
  • long to live a righteous, holy life

Having a physical appetite is a sign of physical health and life. Dead people don’t get hungry for food. Having a spiritual appetite is a sign of spiritual health and life. Spiritually dead people have no desire for the things of God.

There is NO sin that can be welcome in my life if Christ is truly my Lord. (**Please see the list at the bottom of the post)

If I want to know Christ and abide in Him and experience His power in my life and be with Him in heaven – I must be willing to give up my sin! ALL of it!

This is called, Dying to Self .

Jesus is worthy of all of our devotion, love, obedience, worship, and submission.

We don’t come to Him just be be able to check our list “Oh, now I can go to heaven, I said a prayer and ‘asked Jesus into my heart’ and I can live however I want to.”

  • That is not Christianity – not by Jesus’ definition.

We come to Him because we know that we need Him and we love Him and nothing else matters but having Him as our Savior and Lord in this life. And when we come to Him, we come in awe, in humility, and in reckless abandonment – willing to give all that we are and all that we have to Him that we might be daily living sacrifices for His glory.  His glory and His will are all that we care about now.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

If you realize you have been cherishing sin – you can turn away from it today and turn to Christ!  That is called repentance. We turn completely away from sin in disgust, agreeing with God that it is wrong, and turn fully to Jesus. We decide not to give sin any place in our lives anymore.

He can forgive your sin!

He died to pay for our sins so that He could provide a way for us to be right with God. Get on your face before God and weep over your sin!  Tell Him you agree that what you have done is wrong. Beg Him to forgive You. Claim the power of His death on the cross on your behalf – and surrender your life to Him. Let Him be in charge now. Give Him control of every part of your life. Hold nothing back.  Seek to know Him, to love Him and to live for Him alone from this point on!

Get rid of everything that is a stumbling block for you:

  • Delete all the phone numbers of any guys you may have been in contact with that were inappropriate.
  • Copy your husband on correspondence with other men as appropriate. (You may not be able to copy him on work emails, but you can on other things.)
  • Stop reading romantic novels and/or watching romantic movies if they create resentment and jealousy in your heart, even if they are rated G.
  • Get rid of social media if you feel depressed when you read people’s posts or you feel deprived when you see how other people portray their relationships.
  • Put Covenant Eyes or other software on your devices to keep yourself from having access to porn and inappropriate material if that is a temptation.
  • Stop responding to your old boyfriend or that guy from church when they instant message you on FB.
  • Completely stop flirting with any other man (or woman – if you struggle with same sex attraction) but your own husband.
  • Avoid private conversations or meetings with people who may be tempting.
  • Avoid being alone with other men and avoid even the appearance of evil.
  • Refuse to respond to or have contact with any man who acts inappropriately toward you.
  • Avoid threatening or seeking a separation without biblical grounds.
  • Avoid threatening divorce without biblical grounds.
  • If you realize you are daydreaming about another man or lusting after another man, stop. Recognize this is sin. Repent to the Lord. (If you have sinned against your husband, there are times you may need to repent to him, too, depending on the situation.) Turn your heart to the Lord and to your husband and invite God to empower you to take your thoughts captive for Christ.

The world says that freedom is the power to do whatever we want, even if it destroys us or other people.

God’s definition of freedom is that we have the power to live holy lives that please Him and we are free from the prison of sin!

WILL WE BE COMPLETELY PERFECT AFTER WE REPENT?

We won’t be totally sinless until we reach heaven’s gates. We still have access to our old sinful nature and can choose to sin as believers in Christ and we can stumble at times. Thankfully, we don’t ever have to sin, though, because God promises He will provide a way out from all temptation if we look to Him! If we stay filled up with the Spirit, we can walk in Jesus’ power over sin.

If Christ is our LORD – we will hate sin and do everything possible to avoid it and to guard our hearts from temptation. If we do stumble, we will immediately repent and turn back to Him and seek Him with all our hearts.

 

HEBREWS 10  – a very sober warning to us all to live in fear, awe and trembling before the God of heaven.

26 If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left, 27 but only a fearful expectation of judgment and of raging fire that will consume the enemies of God. 28 Anyone who rejected the law of Moses died without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. 29 How much more severely do you think someone deserves to be punished who has trampled the Son of God underfoot, who has treated as an unholy thing the blood of the covenant that sanctified them, and who has insulted the Spirit of grace? 30 For we know him who said, “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” and again, “The Lord will judge his people.”  31 It is a dreadful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

 

ROMANS 6 – We are no longer slaves to sin if we are in Christ Jesus!

 

RELATED:

What Is the Gospel? by www.gotquestions.org

How to Have a Relationship with Christ

How to Avoid Adultery/Immorality – 7 minute YouTube video

My Husband Doesn’t Speak My Love Language

Signs Your Husband Feels Disrespected and Unloved

What Is Respect in Marriage?

Healthy VS. Unhealthy Relationships

25 Ways to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband Emotionally

Influencing a Husband for Christ

How to Stay Filled with the Holy Spirit

Dying to Self

A Big Lightbulb Moment about True Contentment

8 Powerful Keys to Peace

 

A SHORT LIST OF POSSIBLE SIN (not an exhaustive list)

  • pride
  • idolatry (putting my love for other things/people/desires before God in my life – like my desire for a man, marriage, romance, beauty, children, popularity, fame, money, etc…)
  • any addictions (drugs, alcohol, food, anorexia, bulimia, gambling, social media, etc…)
  • lust/pornography
  • sexual immorality/homosexuality/fornication/adultery/bi-sexuality
  • stealing
  • lies
  • self-righteousness (thinking we are better than other people)
  • forgetting God
  • prayerlessness
  • cheating
  • bribery
  • a short temper
  • contempt, hatred
  • trying to control others
  • people pleasing
  • resentment, bitterness
  • unforgiveness
  • selfishness
  • greed
  • materialism
  • heresy/ungodly teachings
  • worldliness
  • gossip
  • complaining
  • contentiousness
  • apathy towards the Word of God, apathy towards the things of God
  • lack of love for God
  • lack of love for people
  • lack of concern for the poor, the abused, the mistreated, the sick, the imprisoned, the lost
  • and many other things I don’t have room to list here…

Withholding Sex

Photo by Nik Lanús on Unsplash

First, let’s define “withholding sex” so that we are on the same page.

Withholding sex would mean – I purposely won’t have sex with my husband when I am actually able to. 

(This applies to both spouses, but I only write for women, so I will be addressing only wives in this post.)

In that moment, he would like to have sex, and I am able to, but I decide that:

  • I just don’t feel like it.
  • It would take too much effort.
  • I want to hurt/punish him by turning him down.
  • I don’t care about his legitimate sexual needs.
  • I don’t care that I vowed to be his “to have and to hold.”
  • I don’t care that he feels bonded emotionally to me through sex and that it would bless him, just like I want him to talk with me and connect verbally with me.

The main issue here would be my motives. My motives, as a follower of Christ, are to be holy, kind, honorable, respectful, loving, and good. My motives are not to be selfish, uncaring, apathetic, hurtful, or malicious.

Scripture teaches a few principles that I believe apply to how we are to relate to our spouses (and all people) and how we are not to relate to them:

  • Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 1 Cor. 13:4-5
  • The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Gal. 5:22-23
  • Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Heb. 13:4
  • Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Gal. 5:19-21

(Check out the NOTES at the end of this post for a few clarifications.)

Let’s take a look at a passage in scripture about this issue:

“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Cor. 7:1-5

Each spouse is to voluntarily and willingly yield to the other. It is a decision made by each individual. It is not forced on anyone.

Some people misunderstand this concept of each spouse “having authority” over the other person’s body to mean that God is saying a husband can rape his wife or take sex with her by force. Or that a wife can violently force her husband to have sex with her against his will. That may be the world’s definition of “authority.” But it is not God’s. Let’s note that the passage never commands a me (or anyone else) to:

  • Take what I want.
  • Use violence to get my way.
  • Physically abuse my spouse, it is my right.
  • Be selfish if my spouse is sick, upset, or hurting.
  • All that matters is what I want, not what my spouse wants.
  • My spouse owes me sex, so I don’t have to have any concern for if this is a good time for him.
  • Be as thoughtless as possible.
  • My sex drive is the only thing in the world that is important.
  • My spouse’s needs for other things don’t matter.

The commands are given to each spouse to be giving, generous, and available to the other spouse when possible.

Sometimes spouses try to beat each other over the head with this passage, demanding sex from each other. That breaks my heart!

In God’s economy, “authority” is not about taking things by force. It is not about being a selfish dictator, tyrant. It is not about exalting self and selfishness. It is about humility, selflessness, and having a servant’s heart.

But Jesus called them aside and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their superiors exercise authority over them. It shall not be this way among you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave. Matt. 20:25-27

The one flesh relationship in marriage is supposed to be a beautiful picture of the one Spirit relationship we have with Jesus. Jesus doesn’t spiritually force Himself on us. Ever. He respects our free will to choose to abide in Him or not.

The goal is: selflessness. Unity. Oneness.

Sex is supposed to be a picture of the one Spirit relationship Jesus has with His people. It is supposed to be beautiful and a mutual blessing.

Each spouse should seek to be loving, kind, respectful, understanding, giving, generous, thoughtful, and sensitive to the other. It is about being selfless and loving with the agape love of Christ. It is about seeking to edify the other. Not about taking what I want for myself.

Scriptural principles prohibit believers in Christ from using violence or force to demand their way:

  • The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence. Ps. 11:5
  • Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. Isa. 58:4
  • Love does no harm to a neighbor. Rom. 13:10
  • Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 1 Pet. 3:7
  • Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Col. 3:19
  • Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phil. 2:4
  • Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. 1 Cor. 10:24
  • We who are strong have an obligation to bear with the failings of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let each of us please his neighbor for his good, to build him up. For Christ did not please himself, but as it is written, “The reproaches of those who reproached you fell on me.” Rom. 15:1-3
  • But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power. Avoid such people. … 2 Tim. 3:1-8

SATAN’S STRATEGY:

Satan’s strategy before marriage is to try to tempt us into having sex outside of God’s plan.

After marriage, his strategy is to tempt us into not having sex with our husbands. Or – to desire it with someone else. Again, he encourages us to go outside of the loving, good, life-giving boundaries God has set up in His design for sex.

Let’s not be ignorant of the enemy’s strategies to steal, kill, and destroy our marriages, our husbands, our ourselves, my precious sisters. In this area, or in any other.

PRAY WITH ME:

Lord,

We invite Your healing Spirit into the marriages, families, and homes of all who read this post. We invite Your healing for spiritual, emotional, and sexual intimacy. We invite You to raise marriages up from struggle and pain to victory and wholeness. Lord, rebuke Satan and all of his plans to steal, kill, and destroy in our marriages. He has no authority in our lives anymore. We are dead to this world and we are under the authority of Jesus! Satan wants to divide us in our marriages. He wants us to hold onto hurt and bitterness. He wants to leave families and marriages in shambles. Let us refuse to cooperate with him and his plans. Let us submit all to You – Your Lordship, Your wisdom, Your glory, and Your will. We invite Your love and power to sweep through our midst and to bring new supernatural Life into our husbands, into our marriages, into every area of intimacy, and into ourselves. Let our marriages display the power, beauty, and glory of the Gospel. Not for our selfish purposes – but for Your Kingdom!

Amen!

COMMENTS:

I am not planning to have comments on this post. Thanks for understanding. No one answers to me. Or to any other commenters. I don’t want to create more confusion for anyone. Or become engaged in inappropriate conversations in mixed company.

We answer to the Lord and to our spouses on this issue.

If you have concerns about this issue, please check out what the Bible has to say. Pray. Take your issues to Him. Invite His healing into your marriage. God’s wisdom is really the only thing that matters.  (Please always compare anything I say to the Word of God.)

<3

Also, check out the resources below. 🙂

RESOURCES:

Let’s Talk about Sex – this post has links to all of my other posts about sex including resources for wives whose husbands want a lot more sex than they do and wives whose husbands want less sex than they do. It also has resources for wives who have pain during sex.

If your husband is purposely refusing to have sex with you, please check out Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin.

A Precious Example – and in this post, a couple who has been married for decades shares what this concept should look like in practice in a Christian marriage in a beautiful way.

If one of you is struggling with porn or a sex addiction, please check out this resource www.xxxchurch.com. There are resources for men and women who want to find victory over porn addiction in Christ. There are also resources for spouses of those who are addicted to porn.

Forgivenwife.com is a resource for wives who have gotten into the habit of withholding sex and want to heal and change in Christ.

Unlock Your Libido is an ebook for wives who struggle with low libido and want to see God heal their marriage by His power.

If you want more connection emotionally/spiritually with your husband – I have a lot of resources on that here. My desire is to see marriages whole, vibrant, and healthy with strong intimacy physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Leave me a comment on another post and I will help you find the posts that may be a blessing. Some examples might be:

If you have very serious issues in your marriage, please seek godly, experienced, trustworthy one-on-one counseling.

If you need a referral to a Christian counselor, please check out the free service available at Focus on the Family.

ABUSE – if you are being abused by your husband (or wife) please contact a trusted, experienced counselor, your local domestic violence resources, or the police. Or get in touch with thehotline.org.

IF YOU WANT TO HAVE A SAVING RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST – please read this post.

NOTES:

  1. I don’t believe it is “withholding sex” if a spouse is actually not able to have sex at that moment.  So if a spouse is very sick, in a lot of pain, is physically unable to have sex for some reason, is away from home on business, etc… the other spouse would want to seek to offer grace and understanding. Of course, if there is some kind of sexual dysfunction, disease, or emotional pain, a spouse would not want to ignore it and let it go on untreated. He/she would want to try to find healing for the situation so that one can try to be available to one’s spouse if possible. (If healing is not possible or may take some time, please check out this post.)
  2. Another situation where it may be unwise to have sex is if the spouse is involved in an unrepentant affair. I have seen God restore marriages after adultery, many times. But it is my understanding that the wayward spouse would need to repent and produce much fruit of repentance before a sexual reunion could take place. And the faithful spouse is not biblically required to take back the wayward spouse. But – they may decide to do so as an act of grace if the wayward spouse sincerely repents and trust is restored and they feel led to do so.
  3. If there is major tension or a wife is really hurting emotionally/spiritually – it is certainly fine for her to respectfully ask for what she needs to feel safe and secure so she can relax and feel right about having sex with her husband.
    • There are times when talking through something first is a necessary step to begin healing.
    • There are times when having sex first and talking later can be a wonderful pathway to begin healing.
  4. Husbands tend to connect emotionally (and sometimes even spiritually) with their wives through having sex. Sometimes husbands don’t have the same need for verbally connecting emotionally that wives do. We have different needs and ways of feeling connected. I’d love to see both spouses selflessly seeking to meet the other’s needs and being understanding and compassionate.
  5. Withholding sex before marriage is not a sin. It is obedience to God’s Word.

 

Thriving in a Marriage without Sex If Necessary

Before we get married, we tend to think to ourselves, “Wow, once we are married, I’ll get to have sex with my guy any time I want! It will be AWESOME!”

There is often (but not always) a beautiful honeymoon period where both husband and wife are delighted in being together and enjoying sex together. It can be glorious. Sex is a beautiful gift of God to married couples. The ideal goal is for couples to have sex regularly and to both enjoy it together and for each to seek to be as available as possible to the other, to be compassionate, loving, selfless, and giving. Sex – the one flesh relationship – is intended by God to be a picture of the spiritual oneness of Christ and His bride, the church.

But what we usually don’t expect or plan for, is the reality that there are likely  to be many times in marriage when sex doesn’t or can’t happen. It can be for a large variety of reasons, but almost all of us experience some times where at least one spouse:

  • Has a major illness or injury.
  • Has medical issues that make having sex very difficult – lower back problems, pregnancy, bedrest, recurrent yeast infections, STDs, PTSD, arthritis, etc…
  • Suffers from sexual dysfunction or pain.
  • Is in the hospital for a while.
  • Is dealing with the needs of very sick young children who need almost constant care and attention.
  • Is extremely depressed or spiritually oppressed and can’t function in life in general and loses interest in sex.
  • Has a very different level of libido at the time.
  • Takes a medication (certain anti-depressants, birth control pills, blood pressure pills, etc…) that interfere with libido and sexual function.
  • Has a porn addiction that gets so severe that the spouse can’t function anymore sexually in marriage.
  • Is suffering from the trauma of sexual abuse and can’t seem to get past the fear, shame, and horror he/she associates with sex.
  • Is deployed or has to be gone with work for extended periods of time.
  • Has a completely different work schedule and you are never in bed at the same time.
  • Is so exhausted from working 70-80 hours per week that he/she has no energy left for sex.
  • Doesn’t recognize the signals the other one gives to try to initiate sex.
  • Has an affair.
  • Had an affair and it is not wise or safe to have sex again yet.
  • Decides to separate.
  • Determines to divorce against the other’s will.
  • Dies and the other is left alone.

Truthfully, as people age, things change sometimes. If you are not aware of this, let’s put it out there, ladies:

  • Men tend to peak in their sexual performance and libido in their late teens or twenties.
  • Women tend to peak in their sexual performance and libido in their mid thirties.
  • With increasing age, men are more likely to have high blood pressure, diabetes, obesity, and prostate enlargement – all of which can contribute to erectile dysfunction. It is not 100% of men. But it is an increasingly larger percentage of men over time.
  • As women enter peri-menopause, we are likely to experience vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal tissue which can create pain with vaginal intercourse.
  • As hormones begin to wane in older age, libido tends to decrease a lot. Some people do have sex into their 70s and 80s. That is awesome! But not everyone does or can. And that is okay, too.

So we are probably all going to face this issue at some point or another – probably not by choice. What can we do?

FROM A BELIEVING WIFE WHO HAS BEEN THERE:

Just like everything else in life that we have to face and let go of, if we are in a time where we have to be celibate, what will come up is our will in contrast to the will of God. That is always where the battle lies! When we can’t do, have, or be what we want, right now, that is what makes it so much harder to face and let go of it!

If we are in a time where we have to be celibate, it will come down to this: are we going to accept that this is God’s will for us right now? Or are we going to kick and fight against it, clinging to our own will in the matter, and seeking to make our will happen?

The reason it is so hard to do anything we don’t want to do is because we don’t want to do it!

We want something else, something other than God’s will at the moment! And that is the battle we all face in so many different things in life. But just as in this situation, the Lord is seeking to create in us the Spirit of Christ that lets go of all, empties all of self, that God may fill us up with His all! We have to let go of our own will in order to come into all that God is purposing!

The longer we cling to our own will and way in life, the more miserable, dry, and fleshly we become.

But the sooner we surrender to His will in any moment and season in our life, the sooner our heart is filled to overflowing with the peace, rest, and presence of God which FAR surpasses any fleeting sexual pleasure we may get by having our will instead of His!

He is seeking to make Christ Lord and our All-in-All when things in life do not go our way!! <3

FROM PEACEFUL WIFE

Here are some suggestions to prayerfully consider…

Don’t:

  • Resent God.
  • Focus on all that you are missing and how deprived you are.
  • Allow resentment to develop toward your husband.
  • Listen to Satan’s accusations against your husband.
  • Feed your mind and heart with lots of marriage resources about sex if you can’t have sex at the time and reading about it upsets you.
  • Read about how “normal men all want sex every day.” Not helpful. And not true.
  • Freak out.
  • Lash out at your husband in resentment or hatred.
  • Tell him how “he is not a real man” if he won’t/can’t have sex with you, insult his manhood, or call him names.
  • Look outside your marriage for sexual satisfaction (porn, raunchy novels, that guy that flirts with you at work, other women, etc…)
  • Talk to another man about how deprived you feel sexually.

 

Do:

  • Turn to the Lord in faith. Pour out your heart to Him.
  • Claim His promises to you and stand on them. (Ie: Rom. 8:28-29 and James 1)
  • Pray about the situation, invite God to heal your sex life and marriage. To work to accomplish His will and His good purposes to help you grow in your faith and in spiritual maturity.
  • Guard your heart from other men and from sources of temptation in the media.
  • Be willing to take care of any issues on your end so that you can be available to your husband.
  • Share with your husband what you would like, if appropriate – if it is possible for him – but don’t try to force or pressure him.
  • Respond with grace if he can’t or won’t have sex with you.
  • Focus on all of the good things about your husband and marriage.
  • Think about all the things you respect and enjoy about your husband.
  • Be available to help your husband respectfully with any issues he may have that are contributing to the problem.
  • Be his teammate.
  • Continue to respect your husband and to honor his leadership appropriately.
  • Enjoy affection with him if he is up for that.
  • Enjoy spiritual intimacy if he is receptive.
  • Starve your flesh by switching your thoughts from sex to the Lord, His Word, His love, His promises, and other things.
    • You can seriously dramatically lower your sexual desire level, if necessary, simply by diverting your thoughts. Then if sex becomes available with your husband again later, you can begin thinking more about sex to increase your desire level. How much you think about sex can raise or lower your libido level a lot.
  • Take your thoughts captive for Christ.
  • Depend on Christ for the strength you need to walk in holiness and self-control, be Spirit-filled.

 

NOTE #1 – If you are getting older and there are severe medical issues going on, and neither of you are really interested in sex anymore, give yourself and your husband some grace. Marriage books and blogs talk about how “men want sex” and “a man’s greatest need is sex.” Well, that may be true sometimes in certain situations. But as we age, things can change. You may be able to enjoy simply being sensual together. If neither of you seriously desires sex, or one or both of you are no longer capable of having sex, it is okay to let that go and just enjoy each other in other ways. Don’t let marriage books or blogs and the generalities they share make you worry about your marriage if you have a particular situation and medically can’t have sex and are both truly content with that.

NOTE #2 –  Reminder: Sexual refusal is not something either spouse should purposely do to the other. If your spouse is able to have sex but is purposely withholding, or you are able to have sex but are purposely withholding, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 addresses that. We are to be available to our spouses. Not to force them into sex or selfishly “take” sex. But each spouse is to be ready to freely and generously give to the other if it is possible.

SHARE:

Ladies,

If you have wisdom to share, you are welcome to share here. You can set up your name to be anonymous if you would like. And if you are struggling, you are also welcome to share and be encouraged here. 🙂

Much love!

RELATED:

Sexual Rejection in Marriage

When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage

When Your Husband Rejects You

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

Placing My Higher Sexual Appetite Under God’s Control – a guest post

Twenty Simple Ways to Enjoy Your Man

Handling a Very Delicate and Sensitive Matter with Respect – a Husband’s Impotence 

Encouragement for Military Wives Whose Husbands Are Deployed – a guest post

Nina Roesner’s e-course for wives in difficult marriages: “Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity”

 

Let’s Talk about Sex!

Photo by Rhema Kallianpur on Unsplash

Ladies,

If you have general questions about sexual intimacy and marriage that you would like to see me write about in a post, I’d love to hear from you. Especially if it is a topic I have not covered in the past. You may leave your question on my Contact page.

I’d like to keep discussions G-rated, wholesome, holy, and honoring to the Lord. And this will be a ladies-only conversation. Thanks for understanding!

Lord,

I thank You for creating men, women, marriage, and sex. Thank You for Your good design. I pray for Your healing for the sex lives of my readers – so that their marriages might be vibrant, healthy, and most of all, that Your Name might be greatly glorified in their lives. Thank You for the marriage gift of sexual intimacy. Thank You for the picture the one flesh relationship is of the one Spirit relationship Jesus has with the church. Help us to honor our marriage beds and please give us the tools we need to promote strong, healthy sex lives in our marriages that we might honor and glorify You.

Amen!

I have a number of resources about sex in marriage and related issues that you are welcome to check out:

ATTRACTION

BODY IMAGE

BOUNDARIES ABOUT SEX IN MARRIAGE

A HUSBAND WANTS MORE SEX THAN HIS WIFE DOES

A WIFE WANTS MORE SEX THAN HER HUSBAND DOES

A WIFE WANTS MORE CONNECTION

DEALING WITH DESTRUCTIVE JEALOUSY

 

Also – if you are interested in seeing more material from me, check out my:

Ten Reasons to Consider Fasting

 

Fasting is not a topic we discuss much in some church circles – especially not the ones where I have grown up. We’d rather have a big fellowship supper! But fasting is something I believe we may each want to very prayerfully consider. It is a spiritual discipline that benefits believers and the church, particularly in times of distress and great need. It is a way to show that our hunger for the Lord is our greatest hunger of all.

There are specific times when fasting may be especially important:

  1. When we are repenting from significant sin and grieving over our sin before the Lord. (Joel 2:12)
  2. When we are facing serious temptation to sin and we want to appeal to the Lord for victory and His power. (Matt. 4:1-11)
  3. When we are praying for repentance for our families, our churches, or our country and grieving over these sins, feeling the pain the Lord feels over them. (Daniel 9) Surely this is one of the greatest needs our church and nation has today.
  4. When church leaders are prayerfully deciding on appointing new men to lead in the church, particularly pastors or missionaries. (Acts 14:23)
  5. When we have a very serious prayer request and we want to seek the Lord in a deeper way. (Ezra 8:21-23)
  6. In times of great grief, perhaps during times of national mourning. (2 Sam. 1:12)
  7. When we are praying for significant healing – spiritually, emotionally, relationally, or physically – for ourselves or others. (Psalm 35:13)
  8. When there is a great crisis for the church or the nation and we need God’s intervention – there is threat of war, famine, plague, great persecution, etc… (Jonah 3:5-10Nehemiah 9:1Esther 4:3)
  9. When we are praying for a massive movement of God’s Spirit to bring many into the Kingdom – a new Great Awakening. (Check out this article on revivals and fasting by John Piper)
  10. As a regular voluntary habit or occasional practice to draw nearer to the Lord and to grow in spiritual maturity ourselves. (Luke 2:37)

Verses about fasting:

  • ‘Why have we fasted, and you see it not? Why have we humbled ourselves, and you take no knowledge of it?’ Behold, in the day of your fast you seek your own pleasure, and oppress all your workers. Behold, you fast only to quarrel and to fight and to hit with a wicked fist. Fasting like yours this day will not make your voice to be heard on high. Is such the fast that I choose, a day for a person to humble himself? Is it to bow down his head like a reed, and to spread sackcloth and ashes under him? Will you call this a fast, and a day acceptable to the Lord? “Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the straps of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Isaiah 58:3-7
  • I ate no delicacies, no meat or wine entered my mouth, nor did I anoint myself at all, for the full three weeks. Daniel 10:3
  • “Yet even now,” declares the Lord, “return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; Joel 2:12
  • “And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. Matthew 6:16-18

 

There are a number of kinds of fasting:  *

  • Standard Fast – Avoid all food for a certain period of time and only drink water.
  • Absolute Fast – Avoid all food and liquids for a certain period of time.
    • Esther and the Jews fasted for 3 days when the Jews were threatened with genocide. (Esther 4:3)
  • Partial Fast – Avoid certain foods but other foods are okay to eat.
  • Intermittent Fast – A fast that is for certain parts of the day.
  • Electronics Fast – Avoid distractions like screens, phones, the internet, and social media, to really concentrate on the Lord and on prayer for a certain period of time.
  • Sexual Fast – husbands and wives may choose to do this only by mutual consent, and only for a limited time, so that they may pray. (1 Cor. 7:5)

Who Initiates Fasting?

  • A Christian may decide to fast in secret for himself/herself.
  • Believers may come together to decide to fast together for a specific reason and time.
  • Church leaders may call the local church or the church in a nation or worldwide to fast and pray.
  • Both spouses must agree to a sexual fast and it must have a specific and limited time period.
  • Political leaders may call a city, state, or nation to fast and pray. (2 Chron. 20:3)

 

NOTE* – If you are pregnant, nursing, diabetic, hypoglycemic, or have significant medical conditions, please check with your doctor or medical professional before prayerfully deciding what type of fast you might want to do.

SHARE:

If you’d like to share resources on fasting or about how fasting has been a blessing in your life, you are welcome to share!

RESOURCES:

www.gotquestions.org has a number of posts about what fasting is and the importance of it.

Types of Fasting – by www.gotquestions.org

John Piper’s articles on fasting

Fasting for Beginners – by David Mathis at www.desiringgod.org

 

“Are Particular Sexual Activities Wrong in Marriage?”

ABOUT MY APPROACH TO THIS POST:

I haven’t stated my personal convictions about specific sexual activities in marriage for a variety of reasons. One reason is that last year, God convicted me that Romans 14 admonishes believers to keep our personal convictions about “disputable matters” private.

The sharing of personal convictions tends to cause a lot of division in the body of Christ.

  • Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. Romans 14:1

 

So I took down any posts that were about my own convictions on a number of topics. I want to build the unity in the body, not create division over trivial matters.

  • So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. Romans 14:22

I decided to write about this topic after several requests. However, I am not going to be sharing my own convictions or details about my marriage in this area out of respect for God, for Greg, for myself, and for the body of Christ. I appreciate everyone respecting my approach. 🙂

I have decided not to have comments available on this particular post.

  • This topic lends itself toward becoming a debate that would probably not be productive.
  • I also don’t want to have any unwholesome or inappropriate conversations in mixed company.

There are some resources at the bottom of the post. I invite you to check them out and prayerfully consider each issue for yourself with your own husband. 🙂

A FEW FOUNDATIONAL THOUGHTS:

First, I want to remember that my greatest goal as a believer is to bring glory to God in all I do.

Second, I want to remember that anything that God calls sin is something that is ultimately destructive for me or for someone else. I want to focus on God’s incredible love for His children and the fact that His motives toward us are always good and never evil. Any parameters God gives, I want to embrace with total faith and trust.

Third, I want to remember that God created sex for marriage and that it is very good.

Fourth, I want to remember that Satan wants to make sex outside of marriage and sex before marriage as enticing as possible and he wants to make sex in marriage as difficult, painful, and frustrating as possible. He wants to create division and dissension and do all he can to prevent us from having unity in every area of our marriages, including the area of physical intimacy.

Warning, dear sisters:

Be aware of Satan’s strategies and tactics and resist him, yielding your heart completely to the Lord. He wants you to think accusing, negative, terrible thoughts toward your husband. He wants you bound up in guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, pride, and self-righteousness.

It is so critical that we take our thoughts captive for Christ so that we allow God’s Spirit to control our thoughts, motives, and all that we do, not the flesh.

Jesus set us free from sin, death, shame, guilt, bondage, oppression, fear, and every toxic way of thinking! He guides us in all truth by His Spirit and His Word. He can purify our hearts and minds and empower us to be the women He calls us to be. There is so much freedom in Christ. It is not about rules. It is about abiding in Him and being filled to overflowing with His goodness and then He gives us His wisdom and healing so graciously.

  • Those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh; but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. The mind of the flesh is death, but the mind of the Spirit is life and peace… Romans 8:5-6

Let the fruit of the Spirit be very evident in the way we treat our husbands sexually, and in every other way. May God’s supernatural love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control abound in our hearts and in our interactions with our husbands. May the way we relate to them bring great joy to God’s heart and glory to His Name!

HOW TO DECIDE IF A PARTICULAR SEXUAL ACTIVITY IS A SIN IN MARRIAGE:

I need to prayerfully ask myself some questions as I seek to allow God’s Spirit to show me His truth and goodness from the Bible – with a heart that longs to obey God no matter what He may ask of me:

1. Does the Bible list this thing as a sin? If the Bible lists it as sin, it’s out of the question. I can’t participate in that.

2. Does the activity I want to do violate a general principle of God’s Word? Is it selfish, hurtful, involving sex outside of marriage, involving lust for someone to whom I am not married? Is it an addiction? Does it involve idolatry, greed, lying, envy of others, etc…?

3. Could what I want to do cause harm/pain emotionally or physically to my spouse? I must remember that “love does no harm to a neighbor” (Rom. 13:10). Could the activity cause harm to myself or anyone else in some way?

4. If the Bible is silent about it, the activity doesn’t go against a general principle of God’s Word, and it does not cause harm to someone then it really isn’t my place to label something as sin that God doesn’t label as sin. I don’t want to put myself in the position of deciding what is sinful. And I don’t want to make up my own “sins” and put myself in bondage unnecessarily to manmade rules. I can have personal convictions that are based on my own thinking. But I don’t get to label things as “sin.” That is God’s job.

5. If an activity violates a particular believer’s conscience, then for that person, he/she is not acting in faith and that is sin for that person even if this is an area where there is Christian liberty and freedom. I don’t want to force my spouse to do something that would violate his conscience. I would seek to “bear with him in love” and patience and put my desire for a particular thing on the back burner.

6. In areas of Christian liberty, I am free in Christ to enjoy something that is not labeled as sin by God and that does not violate biblical principles.

7. My primary purpose in the sexual aspect of my life must be to glorify and love God and love my husband. Sex is not “all about me.” Yes, I can enjoy it, and that is awesome. But, as a believer, I want my mindset to be, “How might I bless my husband in this area?”

 

Note:

In my book, I share a number of ways that we can be disrespectful to our husbands about sex and ways we can respect our husbands about sex. The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord

Much love to each of you in Christ!

RELATED:

Is Masturbation a Sin? – by www.gotquestions.org
Is Oral Sex/Anal Sex Okay in Marriage? – by www.gotquestions.org
What Is a Christian Couple Allowed to Do in Sex? – by www.gotquestions.org

PEACEFULWIFE POSTS ABOUT SEX:

For wives who desire sex more than their husbands do –

For wives whose husbands may desire sex more than they do –

Other related topics –

You may also search my home page for things like:
– porn
– destructive jealousy
– husband broke my trust
– bitterness
– forgiveness

"Placing My Higher Sexual Appetite under God’s Control" – a guest post

I appreciate both wives today sharing their stories about this difficult topic. So thankful for all that God is doing in our midst! Whether I am the higher drive spouse or the lower drive spouse at the time – God calls me to learn to be more selfless, giving, patient, respectful, and understanding. He can use the variations in libido in a marriage to help each spouse learn to be content in Him alone and to learn to seek to please Him far above anything or anyone else. This is an area where we must all learn to die to self. When we do, there are great blessings in store for us spiritually, and maybe even healing sexually for the marriage. 

(Note – this post is not written for wives who are being sexually abused or physically abused. If that is your situation, or if you are dealing with active drug/alcohol addictions or unrepentant adultery, please seek godly, experienced, trusted help one-on-one. If you or your husband are struggling with porn, please check out the links to resources at the bottom of the post.)

FROM A SISTER IN CHRIST WHO IS BEGINNING TO TAKE SERIOUS STEPS ON THIS JOURNEY:

So the other day I wrote a really long comment about part of my journey, but it was lost along the way. The funny thing is, writing about it helped me to work through some of my feelings. I am going to try to remember the jist of what I wrote, because I think it was definitely a lightbulb moment for me.

Of course, my journey has been a little different, but we all have different journeys.

A LIGHT BULB MOMENT

I get a devotional in my inbox each day from Dr. Charles Stanley. This one was about controlling our appetites. And what he said really jumped out at me. Now, I don’t have too much trouble controlling my appetite for food (says the girl who is sitting here eating jellybeans as she types this!) 🙂 But I do have trouble with my appetite for intimacy with my husband. See, I am in the awkward position of having the higher sex drive in our relationship, and that has tortured me for a long time.

(Note from Peacefulwife – this is actually pretty common for a wife to be higher drive, especially as couples enter into their 30s/40s and beyond. It isn’t that unusual at all, especially, it seems, if the wife is the stronger personality and the husband is more passive.)

As you know, I have struggled greatly with his lower libido. I have allowed our situation to make me feel uglier, unappreciated, and completely worthless as a wife and a woman. Finally, recently, I have begun to see and understand my worth in Christ, and that helps a great deal. So often I need to refocus. Like, daily. But here is what jumped out at me from the devotion:

“Human appetites, in themselves, are not sinful. In fact, they’re God-given. However, because of our fleshly weaknesses, they need to be controlled. When our appetites rule us, we’re in trouble.”

You see, my appetite for intimacy with my husband has been ruling me.

I’ve been allowing my desire for my husband and the imbalance in our libidos to consume me, and to control my thoughts and waste my time. For so long, I prayed that God would take away my desires for my husband, but He has not. I think He may be using our situation to grow me. To grow us. Granted, our situation isn’t the typical one, but so what?

For me, it’s not about the “release” (I really hate that word). It’s about the connection with my husband, and my husband only. He is happy to connect once a week, which is far, far, far too little for my taste. As anyone who has struggled with this issue knows, the spouse with the lower libido has all the control and that can be incredibly frustrating and can feel demeaning.

I have allowed my frustrations to control my thoughts and emotions, and for my thoughts to control me. I have allowed my fretting over this to monopolize my time. I think me being stuck here has been pleasing to Satan, because it has seriously limited my time with God.

A NEW PERSPECTIVE

So I finally realized, my desire for my husband is not a bad thing. It is not the curse I was beginning to think it was. It is a God-given appetite and it is good. However, I need to learn to control my appetite. The problem here isn’t my husband’s lower desire, but perhaps it is my out-of-control appetite. (From Peacefulwife – most couples do not have the exact same level of desire all of the time. One is not wrong, necessarily. The most important thing is how we handle the difference in desire levels.)

So just this week I’ve begun working on things I’ve been procrastinating about, like cleaning the storage room. I have been neglecting my duties because I have been wallowing in self-pity. I’ve been wasting so much time being hyper-focused on this issue.

I’ve decided to stop praying for God to take away my desire for my husband. I am going to try to squash my appetite when it gets too intense, just like I have learned to squash cravings for junk food. I need to redirect myself.

Honestly, I’m not sure if this is totally what I’m supposed to be learning about this, but it sure feels like a step in the right direction. And it sure beats feeling ugly and worthless all of the time. And my husband has been much more relaxed and happier the past couple days. I guess he can sense my more pleasant demeanor.

I know he doesn’t like it when I feel so badly about myself, and he has even shared that he feels really badly that he makes me feel so badly. He doesn’t actually make me feel badly on purpose, it’s like a side effect. But in order to bless him, I need to learn to control my feelings, and my thoughts especially when they head in a negative direction. I might make this sound easy, but trust me – for me it is not easy! But I’m going to try. And I’ll fail. And I’ll try again. 🙂

FROM ANOTHER WIFE WHO HAD A HIGHER DRIVE:

I was the more dominant personality and my husband was more passive earlier in our marriage. My attempts to control extended to our physical intimacy, too, unfortunately.  My husband was working extremely long hours at a very physically demanding job and was completely exhausted most evenings, not even getting to bed until midnight or 1am – which didn’t help matters, of course. (He was not addicted to porn.)

I’m so thankful for what God has shown me about being a more peaceful wife. What eventually worked for my own sanity and to bless my husband was for me to back off, give him more space, grace, and time instead of expecting intimacy every night. I learned to be patient and to be content in Christ no matter what my husband was or was not doing – to stop using the number of times per week/month we had intimacy as a measure of my husband’s love for me or as a measure of my security like this blog talks about.

I learned to really respect him, to accept that his libido was lower than mine in this season (rather than assume “he must not love me” as I had done earlier), to honor him, and to be more selfless. I stopped verbally pressuring him (which I had been doing just about every day) and began to enjoy whatever attention and affection he did give to me. I sought to be joyfully receptive to any advances by him but God also helped me see I needed to not to hold any bitterness or resentment against my husband on the days or even weeks when he was too tired.

I learned to focus on good things and to set down my expectations and stop focusing on self, but rather focus on allowing Christ to change me. I learned that I had been really selfish in so many ways (not just in this area) and that my particular husband was emotionally wounded from my approach in the marriage and needed time to heal. He also needed a break from his extremely demanding work schedule.

Now I can be content with lots of intimacy with my husband or with no intimacy. In the power of Christ, I can be content in all circumstances through Him who gives me strength! (Phil. 4:12-13)

For us, over the course of several months, as I gave my husband more space and time and as I learned to respect and honor him – his libido began to increase again. His work schedule also improved dramatically which has been a great help and now we both enjoy intimacy often and it is a blessing to both of us again.

FOR THOSE WIVES WITH A HIGHER DRIVE:

The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage

Thriving in Marriage without Sex If Necessary

When You Feel Deprived in Marriage

Fully Trusting God with My Husband 

Respect, Attraction, and Biblical Submission

When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to You

Measuring Intimacy

When Your Husband Rejects You

What Is Attractive to Husbands?

She Has the Stronger Sex Drive – Shaunti Feldhahn’s site

25 Ways to Respect Myself

Oneness in Marriage-  Not Too Close, but Not Too Far Away (not being enmeshed or codependent or having husband as an idol)

I Was Sure I Would NEVER Make My Husband into an Idol

 

FOR THOSE WIVES WITH A LOWER LIBIDO:

Book Review – Unlock Your Libido by Bonny Burns

I Feel Like Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes

The Respect Dare – Taking Initiative Sexually 

 

FOR WIVES WHOSE HUSBANDS ARE INVOLVED IN PORN OR WHO ARE INVOLVED IN PORN THEMSELVES:

Posts about porn

www.xxxchurch.org

"Unlock Your Libido" Book Review

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(TRIGGER ALERT – If you are a higher drive wife with a husband with lower libido, please don’t read this review if you know that reading about something like this might be upsetting to you.)

I have never done a book review on such a topic but I have seen how much pain there is in so many marriages where a wife has a lack of desire for physical intimacy. (Of course, there is much pain when a husband has a lack of desire, as well. But that is a different post!) Lack of sexual intimacy in marriage leads to deeply hurting spouses and increased tension, stress, and strife in marriage. Our enemy loves to promote anything that will create tension and division. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy in our marriages and families. But God wants to strengthen our marriages and to empower us to become the godly women He calls us to be for His glory.

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Bonny Logsdon Burns

I had the privilege of “meeting” Bonny Logsdon Burns through the Christian Marriage Bloggers’ Association. There are lots of amazing Christian marriage blogs to be discovered there! (Note – please always compare what any writer says against the Bible – including my own writing, please!)

What I like about “Unlock Your Libido” is the way Bonny points women to finding fulfillment in Christ first and how she directs women to Scripture to deal with the spiritual and emotional issues that may be impacting a woman’s desire for her husband physically. She also talks about neuroscience, biology, neurochemistry, and practical suggestions that surround many of the issues of low libido wives.  That is an approach I can get exited about! Give ALL the resources possible – but focus especially on Christ and the truth of His Word and the power of God’s Spirit.

Bonny shares her story on her blog www.oysterbed7.com where her entire ministry is devoted to “low libido wives.” I’m glad that I can share this resource for those who may need it. I realize not everyone will be in this boat. But I believe that any wife who is in need of spiritual and sexual healing may find a good place to start in Bonny’s book, “Unlock Your Libido.”  I also think that wives with “normal libido” who have a higher drive husband may also benefit. For a wife whose husband is lower drive, she may not want to purposely try to increase her libido – that may just be frustrating. (I have tips for wives to focus on lowering their drive here for these situations.) It is possible that husbands might be able to read this book to “reverse engineer” some beneficial approaches if their wives are struggling with low libido.

THE BOOK

Bonny’s book is a 52 week course. Each week has a devotional section where Bonny discusses a particular topic. Themes vary from Bible passages, to addressing sin, to scientific studies, and topics related to the issue of low libido.  There is then a Scripture passage to focus on for then next week. And then a “positive thought” to help wives practice thinking positive, Philippians 4:8 kinds of things:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

She gives wives space to write down their thoughts each day of the week about the issue that was discussed and the positive thought and Scripture for that week which I believe is a powerful way to reinforce new thinking and to change our inner dialogue. I want to share some of the topics to give you a tantalizing taste of what you are in for with this ebook:

  • Renewal
  • God is Not Anti-Beauty
  • Sexpectations
  • Benefits of Sexual Intimacy
  • Spiritual Libido
  • Adversity
  • Redefining Sexy
  • You Are Sexually Adequate!
  • The Hero in Your Husband
  • Idol-Free
  • Why Satan Targets Marriage
  • God’s Purpose for Your Low Libido
  • When the Headaches Strike

The book does not address any of the mechanics or details of sex. It is really mostly about how wives struggle and overcome their struggles with low desire.

The devotional is easy to read and usually about a page. Just once a week. Bonny’s writing style is friendly, personal, gentle, engaging, humorous, encouraging, and truthful. She addresses the hard topics with compassion, grace, understanding, and plenty of suggestions to help in various situations. I think wives will get the most out of this book if they stick to reading one devotional each week and then memorize the Scripture passage for each week and write down a brief positive thought each day about that week’s topic. Bonny is careful to address women in their entirety – body, soul, and mind. Love that!

Bonny helps women examine their walk with Christ, their motives, and search for any sin that may be blocking God’s Spirit’s power in their lives. She teaches wives step by step to transform their thinking from negative, self-sabotaging thinking to positive, empowered, Bible-centered thinking. Our thoughts are SO important! And our thoughts and emotions as women are extremely tied into our ability to have a healthy libido and desire for our husband. She encourages wives to view themselves as teammates with their husbands. I also appreciate how she encourages wives to become godly wives and to respect and honor their husbands.

The only thing I was not super excited about – was chapter 51 on “Centering Prayer.” I have some concerns that it could be a bit too closely linked to Eastern meditation practices. That would be something each wife could prayerfully consider for herself or discuss with her husband and research on her own. If you are interested in learning to pray more powerfully, I would recommend Kay Author’s study, “Lord, Teach Me to Pray,” or E. M. Bounds book, “The Necessity of Prayer.”

CONCLUSION

I am so thankful for Bonny’s openness and transparency and for her willingness to share so many pearls of wisdom God has given to her on her own journey. I was going to try to pick one or two chapters that were my favorites, but there were so many that were a blessing – I decided it was impossible to narrow it down. What  a blessing to so many sisters in Christ and to many marriages that God is using her to share this important message of hope with wives in the Body of Christ!

Please join me in praying for Bonny’s ministry and her marriage  – that God might protect her and her husband from temptation and from harm, that He might continue to empower them and use them for His glory, and that His Spirit and truth might flow through Bonny to build up the Body of Christ for the glory of God and of the Gospel.

Strong, godly marriages lead to strong families, strong churches, strong communities, and a healthy, holy new generation to come. Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage that the enemy wants to destroy. He knows if he can destroy intimacy in marriage, the marriage may fall apart. I don’t want that to happen to any of us! May God richly bless the intimacy in each of our marriages on every level and may His Spirit shine brightly in and through us to reach this world for Christ!

RELATED:

www.forgivenwife.com  – A “sister blog” to Bonny’s that is a ministry especially for those wives who realize they have been withholding themselves from their husbands and being “sexual gatekeepers” and who want to change to become the wives God desires them to be and to bless their husbands with sexual intimacy.

I Feel Like I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes – I answer a wife’s question in this post. Be sure not to miss her response later in the comments about how much God healed her later!

The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage  – for wives whose husbands tend to reject them sexually

Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage – for wives who have been hesitant to do so, but whose husbands would really appreciate if they would initiate more

When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage – for wives who are higher drive than their husbands

Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord

Peacefulwife Posts about Going Deeper in Prayer

How to Tell If a Sexual Activity Is Wrong in Marriage

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