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Where Do Hatred, Rage, and Violence Fit in Our Lives As Believers in Christ?

 

Ladies,

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet (or peaceful) spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. I Peter 3:3-4

Please do keep in mind – there are times when we will feel angry. Feeling angry is not sin in and of itself and there is such a thing as righteous anger. There are times we need to confront others when they sin against us. Expressing the fear or pain behind our anger can be really important. We can even express our anger itself without sinning – the thing to watch for is when the anger slips into sinful anger or we hold on to the anger for too long and become resentful, bitter, or hateful. If we are seeking to hurt the other person, that is a sign we are involved in sinful anger. 

SOME BASICS ABOUT THE HOLY LIFE TO WHICH GOD CALLS ALL BELIEVERS IN CHRIST:

God desires all of us to receive Christ as Savior and LORD of our lives and to live in victory over sin. God calls “sin” anything that would hurt our relationship with Him, or that would hurt us or others.

Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife, and in striking each other with wicked fists. You cannot fast as you do today and expect your voice to be heard on high. Isaiah 58:4

The Lord tests the righteous, but his soul hates the wicked and the one who loves violence. Psalm 11:5

Not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. I Timothy 3:3 (qualifications for a man who is to be a leader in the church) 

  • He gives us the example and definition of love in how He loves us unconditionally. This is how we are to love others.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

  • He commands us to love each other and He measures our love for Him by the way we love other people. 

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4:19-20

“The King (God) will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'” Matthew 25:40

  • God commands believers not to take revenge when they have been wronged because that is His responsibility. We are to overcome evil with good.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse… Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil… If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:14, 17-21

  • God commands believers not to argue, complain, quarrel, or fight. 

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil… 2 Timothy 2:23-24

It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling. Proverbs 20:3

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. Matthew 5:21-22

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3

  • Pride says that we are above other people or we are above or equal to God – and when we believe our pride, we can justify any other sin. When we crucify our pride with Christ, we are free to live humbly before God and we see ourselves in proper relationship to God and to other people.

Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished. Proverbs 16:5

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. Proverbs 16:18

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6

  • God calls followers of Christ to be gentle with everyone.

To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2

But in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect… 1 Peter 3:15

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. James 3:17

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20

With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love… Ephesians 4:2

Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Philippians 4:5

WHAT DO I DO IF I HAVE MESSED UP?

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. James 4:7-10

Let God know you can’t do this on your own and you desperately need His power to walk in holiness and obedience to Him!

THE OLD HAS GONE AWAY, ALL THINGS ARE MADE NEW:

  • Believers in Christ are to live as though we are dead to sin and this world and alive to God through Christ (Romans 6:3-14).
  • We are to not allow the sinful flesh to rule in our lives anymore, but we are to be filled with God’s Spirit and live in the power of His Spirit at all times (Galatians 5:13-25).

We will be talking about living in victory over hatred, anger, rage, and violence in the next post.

YOU CAN HAVE A SAVING RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST AND HE CAN RADICALLY CHANGE YOUR HEART AND LIFE!

SHARE:

If God has empowered you to overcome hatred, sinful anger, rage, or violence, please share your story with us. I may even ask you if I can share it anonymously as a post.

NOTE – This post is written to help those struggling themselves with hatred, sinful anger, rage, and/or violence.

  • If you are not safe because of your spouse’s violence or rage – please safely reach out for appropriate help if you or your children are in danger. (Some resources may be – Focus Ministries, The Salvation Army, National Hotline for Domestic Violence – please evaluate everything any person says in the light of Scripture.)
  • Also, please reach out for help if you believe that your husband and/or children are not safe with you because you struggle with rage or violence. You may need to separate from others until you know that you are able to control any rage/violence. Celebrate Recovery may be able to help you find God’s victory over rage. Or please seek a trusted godly counselor to help you one-on-one ASAP!

RESOURCES:

Absolute Surrender by Andrew Murray – explains how to give up all of self so that God may fill us with His holy power and victory daily. This is a link to a free download of the book.

Righteous Anger VS Sinful Anger

Confronting Our Husbands about Their Sin

Verses on anger to study and memorize this week in your quiet time with God.

Verses about quarreling

Verses about violence

Verses about pride

Verses about humility

Verses about gentleness

Verses about fools

Verses about dying to self

How to Respond to Rebukes and Insults

Nina Roesner has an e-course for women in very difficult marriages – Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity

 

Killing Anger by John Piper

A Two Minute Survey for My Readers

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I would so appreciate as many ladies as possible answering these questions – especially those who are regular readers here. This would be such a gift to me! I would like to get a better gauge of the problems you are facing in your marriages and how many of you are dealing with issues specifically surrounding anger, rage, and violence.

Your answers are completely anonymous. Please answer as truthfully as possible – even if your husband is the one who did something first, answer yes if you have done any of the things in the questions in reaction to something your spouse did.

I will be asking questions about wives first, then will ask almost all of the same questions about husbands’ behavior. I want to try to get as accurate of a picture as I can.

There are 33 questions – if possible, please answer them all. They are very straightforward, easy to answer questions. I think it will be fastest to answer all of the questions, then I believe you will be able to see all of the results at once.

  • If you are not married, but are in a committed relationship with a man and would like to answer the questions (just mentally replace the word husband with boyfriend), you are welcome to.
  • At this time, I would like for only ladies to answer, please.

Thank you so much! I depend on feedback from y’all to have a better understanding of what God may desire us to discuss. 🙂

Thank you again for your time! 🙂

RESOURCES (please prayerfully check all counsel against Scripture):

The National Hotline for Domestic Violence – a secular resource

Focus Ministries – a possible Christian resource for those experiencing domestic violence

How to Be Happy in an Unhappy Marriage – this post is not about an abusive situation by Leslie Vernick (from Focus Ministries)

Healthy VS Abusive Relationships – What’s the Difference? (from Focus Ministries)

"Unlock Your Libido" Book Review

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(TRIGGER ALERT – If you are a higher drive wife with a husband with lower libido, please don’t read this review if you know that reading about something like this might be upsetting to you.)

I have never done a book review on such a topic but I have seen how much pain there is in so many marriages where a wife has a lack of desire for physical intimacy. (Of course, there is much pain when a husband has a lack of desire, as well. But that is a different post!) Lack of sexual intimacy in marriage leads to deeply hurting spouses and increased tension, stress, and strife in marriage. Our enemy loves to promote anything that will create tension and division. He wants to steal, kill, and destroy in our marriages and families. But God wants to strengthen our marriages and to empower us to become the godly women He calls us to be for His glory.

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Bonny Logsdon Burns

I had the privilege of “meeting” Bonny Logsdon Burns through the Christian Marriage Bloggers’ Association. There are lots of amazing Christian marriage blogs to be discovered there! (Note – please always compare what any writer says against the Bible – including my own writing, please!)

What I like about “Unlock Your Libido” is the way Bonny points women to finding fulfillment in Christ first and how she directs women to Scripture to deal with the spiritual and emotional issues that may be impacting a woman’s desire for her husband physically. She also talks about neuroscience, biology, neurochemistry, and practical suggestions that surround many of the issues of low libido wives.  That is an approach I can get exited about! Give ALL the resources possible – but focus especially on Christ and the truth of His Word and the power of God’s Spirit.

Bonny shares her story on her blog www.oysterbed7.com where her entire ministry is devoted to “low libido wives.” I’m glad that I can share this resource for those who may need it. I realize not everyone will be in this boat. But I believe that any wife who is in need of spiritual and sexual healing may find a good place to start in Bonny’s book, “Unlock Your Libido.”  I also think that wives with “normal libido” who have a higher drive husband may also benefit. For a wife whose husband is lower drive, she may not want to purposely try to increase her libido – that may just be frustrating. (I have tips for wives to focus on lowering their drive here for these situations.) It is possible that husbands might be able to read this book to “reverse engineer” some beneficial approaches if their wives are struggling with low libido.

THE BOOK

Bonny’s book is a 52 week course. Each week has a devotional section where Bonny discusses a particular topic. Themes vary from Bible passages, to addressing sin, to scientific studies, and topics related to the issue of low libido.  There is then a Scripture passage to focus on for then next week. And then a “positive thought” to help wives practice thinking positive, Philippians 4:8 kinds of things:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

She gives wives space to write down their thoughts each day of the week about the issue that was discussed and the positive thought and Scripture for that week which I believe is a powerful way to reinforce new thinking and to change our inner dialogue. I want to share some of the topics to give you a tantalizing taste of what you are in for with this ebook:

  • Renewal
  • God is Not Anti-Beauty
  • Sexpectations
  • Benefits of Sexual Intimacy
  • Spiritual Libido
  • Adversity
  • Redefining Sexy
  • You Are Sexually Adequate!
  • The Hero in Your Husband
  • Idol-Free
  • Why Satan Targets Marriage
  • God’s Purpose for Your Low Libido
  • When the Headaches Strike

The book does not address any of the mechanics or details of sex. It is really mostly about how wives struggle and overcome their struggles with low desire.

The devotional is easy to read and usually about a page. Just once a week. Bonny’s writing style is friendly, personal, gentle, engaging, humorous, encouraging, and truthful. She addresses the hard topics with compassion, grace, understanding, and plenty of suggestions to help in various situations. I think wives will get the most out of this book if they stick to reading one devotional each week and then memorize the Scripture passage for each week and write down a brief positive thought each day about that week’s topic. Bonny is careful to address women in their entirety – body, soul, and mind. Love that!

Bonny helps women examine their walk with Christ, their motives, and search for any sin that may be blocking God’s Spirit’s power in their lives. She teaches wives step by step to transform their thinking from negative, self-sabotaging thinking to positive, empowered, Bible-centered thinking. Our thoughts are SO important! And our thoughts and emotions as women are extremely tied into our ability to have a healthy libido and desire for our husband. She encourages wives to view themselves as teammates with their husbands. I also appreciate how she encourages wives to become godly wives and to respect and honor their husbands.

The only thing I was not super excited about – was chapter 51 on “Centering Prayer.” I have some concerns that it could be a bit too closely linked to Eastern meditation practices. That would be something each wife could prayerfully consider for herself or discuss with her husband and research on her own. If you are interested in learning to pray more powerfully, I would recommend Kay Author’s study, “Lord, Teach Me to Pray,” or E. M. Bounds book, “The Necessity of Prayer.”

CONCLUSION

I am so thankful for Bonny’s openness and transparency and for her willingness to share so many pearls of wisdom God has given to her on her own journey. I was going to try to pick one or two chapters that were my favorites, but there were so many that were a blessing – I decided it was impossible to narrow it down. What  a blessing to so many sisters in Christ and to many marriages that God is using her to share this important message of hope with wives in the Body of Christ!

Please join me in praying for Bonny’s ministry and her marriage  – that God might protect her and her husband from temptation and from harm, that He might continue to empower them and use them for His glory, and that His Spirit and truth might flow through Bonny to build up the Body of Christ for the glory of God and of the Gospel.

Strong, godly marriages lead to strong families, strong churches, strong communities, and a healthy, holy new generation to come. Sexual intimacy is a critical part of marriage that the enemy wants to destroy. He knows if he can destroy intimacy in marriage, the marriage may fall apart. I don’t want that to happen to any of us! May God richly bless the intimacy in each of our marriages on every level and may His Spirit shine brightly in and through us to reach this world for Christ!

RELATED:

www.forgivenwife.com  – A “sister blog” to Bonny’s that is a ministry especially for those wives who realize they have been withholding themselves from their husbands and being “sexual gatekeepers” and who want to change to become the wives God desires them to be and to bless their husbands with sexual intimacy.

I Feel Like I’m Just a Piece of Meat to My Husband Sometimes – I answer a wife’s question in this post. Be sure not to miss her response later in the comments about how much God healed her later!

The Devastation of Sexual Rejection in Marriage  – for wives whose husbands tend to reject them sexually

Taking Initiative Sexually in Marriage – for wives who have been hesitant to do so, but whose husbands would really appreciate if they would initiate more

When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage – for wives who are higher drive than their husbands

Submitting Sexual Desire to the Lord

Peacefulwife Posts about Going Deeper in Prayer

How to Tell If a Sexual Activity Is Wrong in Marriage

Praise God for Your Body!

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Part 2 of the assignment about body image we started the other day:

Now, my dear sisters – once you have written a letter to a young girl about what you would want her to know about how she thinks about her body, her appearance, and lovability – take that same letter and change the name to your name. Read the letter you wrote to a young girl and imagine that the you now is reading it to yourself when you were 8-12 years old or so and absorb the message of love, acceptance, strength, and gratitude that you would share with another young girl for yourself. Maybe your mom, siblings, or schoolmates said terribly toxic things to you. Let’s go back in time in our minds and hearts and allow the 2015 you to share truth with yourself as a young girl.

How would that change the way you think today?

———-

Self-loathing and self-hatred toward our bodies seems to be epidemic among women today. This breaks my heart! We have believed so many lies that the enemy has fed us through family members, peers, and the media. This has to stop, my dear sisters! Are we listening to the enemy or are we listening to our Good Shepherd?

  • God made our bodies. Our bodies are good. They are precious gifts for which we are to be thankful and we are to be good stewards.

The second greatest commandment is that we are to “love others as yourself” (Matt. 22:36-40) Jesus assumes that we love ourselves. But today, so many women do not love themselves. This is NOT God’s will for us at all!

How can we give away what we don’t have?

The things some of us say to ourselves are AWFUL! Dreadful! We are feeding our minds with toxic poison and it affects our relationship with God, with ourselves, and with other people, including our men.

“As a man thinks in his heart, so is he.”  (Prov. 23:7)

If we treat ourselves with contempt, disrespect, a critical spirit, condemnation, and hatred – how will we treat other people? How can we love others and give away something we have not embraced for ourselves? We must be able to fully love and respect ourselves before we can properly love and respect others. This is a given in the Christian life.

God requires us, as His daughters, to have thankful hearts, to think about things that are good, lovely, praiseworthy, and honorable (1 Thes. 5:18, Phil. 4:8). These commandments surely include what we think about ourselves. Why do we think that it is okay for us to hate the bodies God gave us, to complain about them, to envy others’ bodies, and to be discontent? Scripture also commands us as believers not to complain or grumble about anything (Phil. 2:14-16).

We CAN learn to be thankful for our bodies and to take good care of ourselves in a healthy way. No, we don’t want to worship our bodies or be prideful. But the opposite extreme – hating our bodies – is also terribly destructive. God’s ways are always about balance and not going to one sinful extreme or the other.

WRITE IT DOWN IN YOUR JOURNAL: Let’s choose to tear out the lies by writing down all of the negative things we say to ourselves about our bodies and how people view us – and then let’s purposely reject the negative, toxic statements and replace them with the truth of Scripture. Give yourself time to really carefully search your mind and heart for every negative statement you tell yourself. This part will be really painful! Have some tissues with you. Then use some of the verses in the links below to replace the negative thoughts and lies with God’s truth.

Verses about self-hatred

Verses about gratitude

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, oh God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you. Psalm 139:13-18

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

You have a responsibility not to follow the enemy’s voice – and he is speaking through her sometimes, so be very careful! You belong to Christ. His sheep hear His voice and follow Him alone.

the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice. But they will never follow a stranger; in fact, they will run away from him because they do not recognize a stranger’s voice. John 10:3-5

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy. For many of you, he has stolen your joy. He has stolen your thanksgiving to God. He has stolen your ability to give and receive love. He has stolen your intimacy with God. He has stolen so much from you about how you think about yourself and your worth. No more, my friend!

You don’t have to allow Him to steal the good gifts God has given to you one more day!

In Christ, the truth will set you free!

  • You can walk past a mirror and think, “Thank You, God, for my body!”
  • You can put on a beautiful outfit and think, “I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made!”
  • You can walk across a room with confidence in who you are in Christ and confidence in your skin – seeking to be a blessing to those who are there, rather than being paralyzed with fear about what they are thinking about your body. Their opinions don’t really matter. You are just seeking to please God. And your goal is to love and bless them. You know that God has made you and that He has loved you with an unfailing love. You know who you are in Christ and you can have all of the confidence of heaven radiating from your face and heart.
  • You can take good care of your body and treat it well, being a good and faithful steward of this priceless gift. You can choose to feed it nourishing, healthy food rather than eating junk food to find comfort. You can find your comfort in Christ. Food can’t comfort us or bring contentment and joy! Jesus does that. When you choose what to eat – choose what is healthy and best for your body as fuel rather than seeking to find emotional comfort or fulfillment through food.
  • You can be whole on your own in Christ. And then you can receive the love and attention of a godly man graciously, with joy, without fear, and without doubt about his motives and intentions.
  • You can practice thanking God for every part of your body, for your health, for the miracle that you are.
  • You can rejoice in this body God has given to you.
  • You can be thankful that you have your body as a tool to empower you to do God’s will and to serve Christ in His kingdom and to bless and love people.
    If you need help breaking a food addiction or looking to food for comfort, please let me know. I will be glad to share some spiritually and physically healthy strategies with you.

Much love to each of you!

MORE INFO?

If you are interested in learning about breaking sugar cravings and changing to a healthy diet, we can talk about that in the comments. Just let me know!

RELATED:

Are You Addicted to Food?

Why Satan Rejoices When You Hate Your Body

A Wife Finds Healing Healing for Insecurities about Body Image

A Husband’s Pain – His Wife’s Body Image Issues

When Your Husband Is Not Physically Attracted to You

When You Feel Deprived in Your Marriage

IN CASE ANYONE NEEDS THIS – SOME SIGNS OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

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