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Are You Able to Say, “No”?

 

Sometimes we struggle with telling people, “No.” We don’t want to seem selfish or ungodly. We don’t want to disappoint or upset people. Being a people pleaser can seem like a good thing, but it it actually very toxic. Saying, “No,” is a critical life-skill we all need.

The goal is, we should be able to say, “Yes,” when it is appropriate and good for us to do so, and we should be able to say, “No,” when it is appropriate and good for us to do so.

If we always say, “Yes,” that is a problem. If we always say, “No,” that is also a problem. There should be balance so that we have godly discernment and can wisely determine when to say yes and when to say no.

Ultimately, let’s always say yes to God and no to anything that is not of Him!

This always requires the wisdom, discernment, and leading of the Holy Spirit. There is no substitute for seeking Him in prayer and seeking His will in each situation.

Some times when “No” is appropriate:

  • Someone is asking you to clearly sin or go against God’s Word, even if that person is in a position of authority in your life.
  • When anything sinful is a temptation or anything that is clearly the invitation of the enemy.
  • When someone is clearly sinning against you – there are certainly times you may need to lovingly, humbly, respectfully confront them.
  • When something would violate your conscience may be a time to say no – after praying carefully about it and studying God’s Word (Rom. 14).
  • When you are not actually able to do what the person has asked – either because of time restrictions, physical limitations, financial limitations, or other reasons.
  • When someone is asking you to do something you really don’t want to do and your motives are pure. There are times when it is wise to thank them for the offer but to kindly refuse.
  • When saying, “Yes,” to this person would require you to say, “No,” to something more important.
  • If you are going to resent the person if you say, “Yes,” there can be times it is better to decline.
  • When saying, “Yes,” would end up filling up your schedule so much that you don’t have time for God. If you are empty spiritually, you will have nothing to give to bless others.
  • When something would cause you to be a poor steward of your time, abilities, your health, your body, your walk with Christ, your soul, your finances, or God’s calling on your life.
  • Someone is trying to hurt you or commit a crime against you. This can require a very firm, “No,” and you may need to contact the police or other appropriate authorities.
  • When you have prayed about something and you know that this thing is not of God and is not God’s will in your life.
  • If your husband is not on board with something, that is often a sign that God has closed that door.
  • When something is a good thing, but is going to take too much time and isn’t in line with God’s assignment for you in that season. Just because someone asks you to do something doesn’t mean you have to automatically say, “Yes.” Pray about it. Do what God calls you to do.

Some times when “Yes” is appropriate:

  • When you are saying, “Yes,” to God and to anything He has for you even if it is scary – whether His Spirit is prompting you or His Word is directing you.
  • When you know that God has a particular ministry or task for you to do – even if you don’t feel like doing it.
  • When someone in a position of authority in your life asks you to do something that is not sinful – even if you don’t feel like doing it – honor God’s order in every arena of life out of reverence for Christ. (The exception is if the leader asks you to sin, go against God or His Word, do something illegal, or the leader tries to abuse his/her authority.)
    • If a police officer pulls you over – cooperate with him/her. Be respectful. Honor and obey what the officer asks you to do.
    • Honor the laws of the land.
    • Honor government officials out of reverence for Christ and so that you do not bring judgment on yourself (Rom. 13:1-3)
    • If your boss asks you to do something that is not against God’s Word, honor your boss’s leadership.
    • Cooperate with your husband’s God-given leadership position appropriately.
    • Use your influential authority wisely and…
      • Of course, if you have concerns, you may respectfully share them in appropriate ways.
  • When something would help you be a better steward of your life, your health, your body, your time, your finances, your soul, and God’s calling on your life.
  • When this particular activity is clearly in line with God’s will and His priorities for your life.
  • When you believe God desires you to do something in order to pour His love and blessing into the lives of others and you have right motives.

Let’s be honest about our yes and no.

  • Let’s mean yes when we say yes.
  • Let’s mean no when we say no.

It is not a good thing to say yes and resent other people because we feel like they should know we really didn’t want to do something. Let’s not expect others to read our minds – but answer in simple, straightforward, and vulnerable ways.

  • I like that.
  • I don’t want to do that.
  • I would prefer to do this, instead.
  • No, please stop!
  • Yes, I would love to do that.

We can say, “No,” respectfully and clearly (and without a lot of explanation – which tends to just get us in more trouble – in my experience, at least):

  • No, thank you.
  • I’m sorry, I can’t.
  • That is not going to work for me.
  • That would go against God’s Word, so I am not able to participate.

No is a gift just as much as yes. When God says, “No,” to us – it is because He loves us and wants something better for us. When we say, “No,” to something that is not best for us or for others, our decision is a gift, as well, for the other person, as well as for ourselves.

VERSES:

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. t teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:11-14

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matt. 5:37

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Cor. 10:13

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

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Let Your Yes Mean Yes and Your No Mean No

An Amazing Resource – Nina Roesner’s eCourse “Strength and Dignity”

“The Respect Dare,” by Nina Roesner, was a transformative book for me. In fact, it was one of the best books that God used in my life fairly early into my journey. I was actually so sad when the 40 days of assignments were over. I loved the structure and the daily bite-sized approach to growing and learning. Many women, especially women in situations like mine, saw great improvement in their marriages when they did “The Respect Dare.”

But some women found that as they tried to show their husbands more respect, their husbands became more harsh, critical, and demeaning. They began to feel even more like “doormats” than ever. I have seen the same thing with some wives here. What is going on?

Nina realized something important:

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Women need a firm spiritual foundation before they can properly apply respect in marriage.

They need to know who they are in Christ. They need to understand healthy boundaries in a godly way, not a selfish way. They need to be able to act with dignity and godly strength (as Proverbs 31 describes) and be spiritually more whole and healed. Then they can use the incredibly powerful position of  “wife” and “influential authority” in beautiful, healthy, healing ways in their marriages. They need to have tools to handle things rightly when they are sinned against in marriage.

Then God led Nina to develop a new approach in the BECOMING A WOMAN OF STRENGTH AND DIGNITY eCourse.

I am so excited about what God has been doing in Nina’s online classes to transform wives and marriages. It is not about Nina. It is not about the forum facilitators. Her goal is to disciple women so they have a strong spiritual foundation and so that they look to the Bible and the Holy Spirit for wisdom and power to accomplish God’s will and His glory in their lives. That is definitely my goal, too, for all of us!

She walks women through the baby steps so many of us need, regardless of our personalities or marital dynamics (and it is even a huge blessing for our single sisters, too), to develop a healthy relationship with Christ first and a healthy relationship with self. Then she gives the tools that can help women develop healthier relationships in their marriages.

A bit from Nina about this eCourse:

The truth is, if the words ‘respect’ and ‘submission’ scare you, even anger you, you’re in the right place. We want to help you understand them in a new way that takes your fear, which is never from the Lord, and replaces it with quiet confidence in HIM.

  • A unique and proven discipleship method that leaves over 95% of our class members with a deeper connection with God
  • Biblical truth to build your relationship with yourself & others in a way that gives you a gentle, but strong & dignified (not prideful) sense of who you are
  • Proven tools of interaction with yourself and others that create mutual respect and the potential for great love & joy

The eCourse does have a nominal cost per month. I would consider it to be a very worthwhile investment. Especially if you are really struggling and need a bit more personalized, structured, spiritual and marriage mentoring. It is an 11 week online class. After you go through these sessions, you are invited to join the private forum with trained facilitating wives who help guide discussions.

WHY AM I PROMOTING THIS eCOURSE?

Nina did not ask me to do this. I am not making any kind of monetary profit from promoting her materials. I know that when some wives read about respect, sometimes they mishear things in dangerous ways. Some think they have to disrespect themselves in order to respect their husbands. Or they have to idolize their husbands and bow to them as if they are perfect gods and women need to act like slaves. That is not true at all!

I believe that this eCourse may be a huge blessing if:

  • You have read my posts, my book, or The Respect Dare, and things are getting worse or you feel really confused about how to move forward with the Lord or in your marriage, this course may be perfect for you.
  • You struggle with what it means to respect yourself – or to think rightly and biblically about yourself.
  • You get confused about healthy boundaries and how to implement them with love and respect, this course is a fantastic tool.
  • You are dealing with a particularly difficult husband.
  • You are interested in a private forum that offers support to women. Nina has a wonderful team of trained women who are helping with this. That is something I just can’t offer myself.

I want all women to have all of the resources they need to thrive spiritually and to heal in Christ. Then when they are hearing Him clearly and filled with His Spirit, I know He will give them the wisdom they need to handle some really tough situations.

TESTIMONIALS

WIFE 1:

This is a hard journey for me as I sometimes lose site of my goal, but God is not finished with me yet.

Five years ago this January I found myself in tears over the condition of my marriage. I was a believer who thought God owed her a perfect marriage and Christian family because she was obedient to his commands. He did not give me that, thankfully. In frustration and some anger I asked God to send me someone who understood my loneliness.

I did  “The Respect Dare”  by phone. I learned some things, but any changes my husband noticed only made him more suspicious of what I was trying to get from him. Nina suggested the “Strength and Dignity” course because of his resistance.
Before joining this class and doing the “Daughter’s of Sarah” course, I blamed my husband for everything. In my studies, God made some direct blows to show my part in this messy equation. That was humbling but the beginning of breaking my pride and misunderstanding of what marriage really is. Now, in humility, I can accept God’s correction and find myself enabled more often to love and accept my husband as God made him.

Sometimes I respond with grace, sometimes I kick and scream my way to surrender and sometimes I just can’t figure out what I am suppose to do, so I reach out to other women on the course site and return to His Word. My desire to love my husband like God does allows me to rely on the Holy Spirit’s enablement to do what God says to show respect. It is hard to do right and it seems I am meeting stronger resistance, but through prayer, study, support and sometimes tears, God is changing my motives, my heart, and my love for my husband.

It is also teaching me that the goal of my journey is to find God as my sole source for all my needs and release my husband from wrong expectations. I no longer want a perfect marriage and accolades from people. I am on a learning curve to find that Christ fulfills my every need and I am the healthy helper God intended for the man he created. I am pressing on, but I have not arrived.

WIFE 2:

I started this journey very discouraged and with the mindset that my husband is never going to change and our marriage will always be this way. BUT that I need to learn to survive this and survive it well… with strength of character and with my dignity. I went to a 4 day retreat, Deflating Defensiveness (led by Nina).

These are the changes I’ve incorporated in my marriage from the retreat:

  • I don’t get pulled into arguing, defending myself, or reasoning with him (That stuff doesn’t work, plus it leaves me frustrated).
  • He still goads me to but I go silent rather than get pulled into this crazy cycle.
  • I’m picking my battles so to speak
    • I give in to him on small things. Because he gets his way on those things, I’m seeing he is more apt to listen to me on the bigger stuff.
  • I am not a doormat, in fact, just the opposite. I feel more empowered and dignified.
  • I speak my point of view concisely, slowly, and gently, then I STOP.
    • When he comes back with arguments, I don’t respond, neither do I justify myself nor do I own his insults.
    • As a result of my “sanctified indifference” I’m seeing more respect from him; he seems then to want to please me.

This is not perfect every time but I have my sanity and my dignity. I feel strong. I am no longer striving but am at peace. He hasn’t changed, but I have, and as a result, our marriage is changing.

Since I joined the Strength and Dignity eCourse:

I am now starting to see more change in his behavior toward me. I think that as he is getting the respect he needs and sees I’m becoming a “safe place,” he is becoming more respectful, caring, and wants to please me. Of course, we have hiccups now and then, but I continue to trust God to give me the self-control to remain gentle and respectful with him. The unconditional respect is the toughest when he is not being kind. This is definitely a refining process and a spiritual one that at times does not seem to even be about marriage, but about the woman God desires me to become.

Here’s the link to find out more about Nina’s Strength and Dignity eCourse.

If you decide to take it, I’d love to hear what you think!

** This class is not designed for those who are being battered. If you are in danger, please contact your local domestic violence resources.

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God Is Asking Me to Do Something HARD – but Good!

Photo by Peter Aschoff on Unsplash

I spent some time over the past month praying, asking God what was blocking me from growing more in my faith. I know there are so many more things God wants to show me and that my faith could be much stronger. It is a question I want to ask myself and the Lord every so often. He showed me that I have been too distracted. Like – WAY too distracted. Mostly by comments and emails related to ministry stuff – I can easily spend about 2 hours per day, 7 days per week on that. And I often check comments and emails multiple times an hour. Ack! I am addicted!

So God is asking me to do something different. At least for a time.

He is asking me to give up my comment section on my blogs and my ministry-related emails for Lent.

This year Lent runs from 2-14-18 through 3-28-18. I have never really observed Lent before. But the Lord has made it clear to me that He wants to take me much deeper with Him. He is saying to me:

“Come away with Me and rest for awhile.”

Well, my precious sisters (and brothers), I can’t possibly turn down an invitation like that from my Lord! How sweet that He wants me to Himself for a bit. And that the time starts on Valentine’s Day. I want to always be willing to drop anything for Him. If I am not doing things His way, and not depending on His power, any ministry I do will be worthless.

And now, with it being about 6 weeks until the launch of The Peaceful Mom book and with all He wants to do in my life, my ministry, my own church, this ministry, the church as a whole, and in America – He is calling me to 40 days of fasting from online ministry connections.

Honestly, this is really hard! It’s painful. And – a bit anxiety-producing, at first. (Which just proved to me that I really am way too addicted to constantly checking my messages.) I’m awful at resting and slowing down. But I definitely see that I need this. And I want to take this big step with the Lord.

I love all of you, my readers. You are very dear to me. I feel so connected to you and love to be here with you and be here for you. I love the interaction, love, camaraderie, and fellowship we share here.

Some questions began to pop into my mind:

  • What if my readers need me?
  • What if they feel abandoned?
  • What if they can’t find what they need on my site?
  • What if this hurts my ministry to them? Forty days is a long time!
  • What if people quit reading my blog because I am not available for 6 weeks?
  • What if it hurts my book launch on March 27th?

dimitri-tyan-261850

(Photo by Dimitri Tyan on Unsplash

Of course, God had some really amazing answers for me:

  • Your readers are My precious lambs. I am holding them in my arms. They are Mine first. I will never leave them or forsake them. Even if you take a break that I want you to take. I will take care of them.
  • “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life” – John 14:6. As they seek Me first, they will find everything they need.
  • I’ve got them. You have left plenty of still water and green grass all over your sites for them to eat. I’ll help them find what they need on your sites and – most of all – in My Word.
  • You are exalting yourself way too much, April. Watch that pride! They really don’t need your advice and personal counsel. They need Me. My Spirit, My truth, My wisdom, My Word, and My power.
  • I’m going to show you that I can bless your ministry even if the comments are closed. I can use this site even if you aren’t there to answer comments every day for an extended period of time. I am the key here. Not you.
  • I want and deserve your full, undivided attention.
  • You need to rest in me and be still for awhile. I have a lot of things I want to show you. And I want to prepare and equip you for the major things I am about to do that will blow your mind. But I can’t do that if you constantly too busy to stop and listen and fellowship with Me more deeply.
  • The times you grow the most are the times you take a break from ministry for a bit. When you come back filled up with much more of Me, you will share that overflow with your sisters and they will be greatly blessed, too. This will be a win for you and for them.
  • I want you to set them a godly example of how to step back and take a break and be spiritually replenished. Many of them need to do something similar to come away with Me during this time, too.

I believe He wants me to:

  • Be still in Him.
  • Wait on Him.
  • Rest in Him.
  • Soak in His presence.
  • Praise Him.
  • Thank Him.
  • Seek Him more than ever.
  • Receive much more from Him.
  • Soak in His Word and goodness.
  • Allow Him to restore my soul.
  • Listen to His voice more than ever.
  • Be ready to hear His new vision for my ministry going forward.
  • Depend completely on Him, not myself, in ways I have never experienced before.
  • Pray more intently for each of you, my readers, than ever for God to radically transform your lives, your marriages, and your families for His glory by the power of His Spirit.

 

In the past 9 years of my journey, I have told God that I wanted to obey ANYTHING He instructed me to do. And that if He ever wanted me to give up anything, I wanted to obey. So I am laying down comments and any kind of ministry emails until 3-29-18. I will still be posting at times, as God leads. But the comments will be closed starting on Valentine’s Day. I just wanted to keep you in the loop! Can’t wait to see all that the Lord wants to do in that 6 weeks and to share with you all again soon.

Much love to each of you!

Comments are still open today and Tuesday. 🙂

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Saying “No”

Photo by Michael Mroczek on Unsplash

Sometimes we struggle with telling people, “No.” We don’t want to seem selfish or ungodly. We don’t want to disappoint or upset people. But there are times when it is critical that we can give a firm, “No,” to people.

The goal is, we should be able to say, “Yes,” when it is appropriate and good for us to do so, and we should be able to say, “No,” when it is appropriate and good for us to do so.

If we always say, “Yes,” that is a problem. If we always say, “No,” that is also a problem. There should be balance so that we have godly discernment and can wisely determine when to say yes and when to say no. Ultimately, let’s always say yes to God and no to anything that is not of Him!

Let’s Be Honest about Our Yes and No:

Let’s mean yes when we say yes. Let’s mean no when we say no. It is not a good thing to say yes and resent other people because we feel like they should know we really didn’t want to do something. Let’s not expect others to read our minds – but answer in simple, straightforward, and vulnerable ways.

  • I like that.
  • I don’t want to do that.
  • I would prefer to do this, instead.
  • No, please stop!
  • Yes, I would love to do that.

How to Say No:

We can say, “No,” respectfully, gently, and clearly:

  • No, thank you.
  • I’m sorry, I can’t.
  • That is not going to work for me.
  • I’m going to have to say, “no.” But thanks so much for the offer!
  • That would go against God’s Word, so I am not able to participate.

I have found there are some really simple principles that make this much easier.

  • I don’t owe an explanation to people about why I say, “no.”
  • The more I try to explain myself, the more the person who is asking me for something will shoot down my reasons.
  • If they continue to press, I just continue to repeat myself respectfully, gently, but firmly. “I wish I could, but I just can’t right now.”

VERSES:

For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. t teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope—the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:11-14

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matt. 5:37

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Cor. 10:13

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 1 John 4:1

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. James 4:7

Some times when “No” is appropriate:

  • Someone is asking you to clearly sin or go against God’s Word, even if that person is in a position of authority in your life.
  • When anything sinful is a temptation or anything that is clearly the invitation of the enemy.
  • When your sinful flesh is trying to convince you to do something.
  • If my husband is not on board with something someone else is asking me to do (in general – although there can be some exceptions).
  • If I would have to put this other thing above God, my husband, or my family.
  • When someone is clearly sinning against you – there are certainly times you may need to lovingly, humbly, respectfully confront them.
  • When something would violate your conscience may be a time to say no – after praying carefully about it and studying God’s Word.
  • When you are not actually able to do what the person has asked – either because of time restrictions, physical limitations, financial limitations, or other reasons.
  • When someone is asking you to do something you really don’t want to do. If a friend tries to pressure you to go skydiving, ride a roller coaster, or even go out to dinner – and you truly don’t want to go – there are times when it is wise to thank them for the offer but to kindly refuse. Of course, there may be exceptions to this. Sometimes you may not feel like going, but you may really enjoy yourself if you make yourself go. Or God may prompt you to go so you can be a blessing to someone. So – use wise discernment.
  • When saying, “Yes,” to this person would require you to say, “No,” to something more important. If your boss wants you to work on Sundays, but you really want to be able to go to church every Sunday, you may decide to decline the Sunday hours so that you can say, “Yes,” to being at church.
  • If you are going to resent the person if you say, “Yes,” there can be times it is better to decline. If someone asks you to watch their children 5 days per week for 3 hours per day for free, and you realize that this is an overcommitment for you and that you will feel bitter about it later – it can be better to respectfully decline the offer or to renegotiate so that you can give without resentment. Doing things for other people with resentment in our hearts is sin. We either need to be able to get rid of the resentment or we may need to be more careful about what we agree to do for others.
  • When saying, “Yes,” would end up filling up your schedule so much that you don’t have time for God.
  • When something would cause you to be a poor steward of your time, abilities, your health, your body, your walk with Christ, your soul, your finances, or God’s calling on your life. (Of course, sometimes God will call us to die to self – so this requires His wisdom and discernment.)
  • Someone is trying to hurt you or commit a crime against you. This requires a very firm, “No,” and you may need to literally fight to get away.
  • When you have prayed about something and you are very sure that this thing is not of God and is not God’s will in your life.
  • When something is a good thing, but is going to take too much time and isn’t in line with God’s assignment for you in that season. If the nominating committee at church asks you to work in the nursery, but you have a huge heart for teenage girls and you know that babies are not your gift – you may want to pray about the offer and then say that you would really prefer to work with the teenage girls. Sometimes, God may call us to do something that we are not as gifted to do – but many times God will use us in our area of giftedness. Just because someone asks you to do something doesn’t mean  you have to automatically say, “Yes,” Pray about it. Seek God’s will and wisdom. If you are hearing His voice clearly, follow His lead. If you cannot clearly hear God’s voice, let me know and we will talk about that together.

Some times when “Yes” is appropriate:

  • When you are saying, “Yes,” to God and to anything He has for you even if it is scary – whether His Spirit is prompting you or His Word is directing you. (If you are confused about whether God is speaking to you or not, please seek godly counsel.)
  • When you know that God has a particular ministry or task for you to do – even if you don’t feel like doing it.
  • When someone in a position of authority in your life asks you to do something that is not sinful – even if you don’t feel like doing it. If a police officer pulls you over – cooperate with him/her. Be respectful. Honor and obey what the officer asks you to do – unless the officer asks you to do something immoral, unethical, or illegal. If your boss asks you to do something that is not against God’s Word, honor your boss’s leadership. Of course, if you have concerns, you may respectfully share them in appropriate ways.
  • When you know an opportunity is from God.
  • When something would help you be a better steward of your life, your health, your body, your time, your finances, your soul, and God’s calling on your life.
  • When you want to do something and you are sure that you will not dishonor God by participating in that activity.
  • When this particular activity is clearly in line with God’s will and His priorities for your life.
  • When you believe God desires you to do something in order to pour His love and blessing into the lives of others and you are giving freely without strings attached and without resentment.

 

SHARE:

What have you learned about saying yes vs saying no? You are welcome to share!

 

RELATED:

The Snare of People Pleasing

Perfectionism

Let Your Yes Mean Yes and Your No Mean No

Am I Too Quiet with My Husband?

The past two Mondays, we have examined the topics, “Am I Too Chatty with My Husband?” and “What Do I Do with My Desire for More Verbal/Emotional Connection?” For some of us, we struggle with talking too much. Others of us struggle with not wanting to talk to the point that our silence is deafening and not healthy for our marriages. Some of us try to correct one imbalance and overshoot  and end up on the other side of the pendulum for awhile and just keep swinging back and forth between the two. I have done that.

Today, let’s tackle the issue of times when we may be too quiet and examine the heart issues that may be going on behind the scenes. It’s helpful to do a motive-check with the help of the Light of God’s Word and the Holy Spirit.

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Prov. 8:21

WHY DO I WANT TO BE QUIET?

Some Not-So-Productive Reasons to Be Quiet

If these issues are going on, I may want to spend some time with the Lord to deal with my spiritual issues so that I am not hiding from God or from my husband. If things are severe, I may need to reach out to a trusted godly counselor or female mentor.

Some Reasons That Require Godly Discernment – talking may be wise, or being silent may be wise

Some Good Reasons to Be Quiet

  • Talking a lot is exhausting for me – it is just my personality.
  • I want to avoid talking too much out of humility and a desire to honor the Lord with using my words carefully to only speak Life.
  • My husband is not a believer (or is far from the Lord) so I want to focus on 1 Peter 3:1-6 to “win him without a word” and not preach, lecture, nag, or explain too much about spiritual things but set a godly example by my attitude and actions.
  • I am seeking to give him the gift of respectful space that I know he would appreciate.
  • He doesn’t want me to talk too much or he is in a bad place spiritually and unreceptive right now.
  • I am thinking carefully about what I want to say so that I say it wisely.
  • I want to pray over what I want to say first so that I respond in the Spirit and I don’t just blurt something out in my flesh.
  • I am focusing on thanksgiving and praise in my heart to the Lord.
  • I want to just be available to listen to him for awhile if he wants to talk.
  • I am silently praying in my heart.
  • We enjoy being together without talking sometimes.

RELATED VERSES:

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. Prov. 17:28

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him. Ps. 62:5

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. Eph. 4:29

Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil. Matt. 5:37

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Prov. 12:18

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. Matt 12:36-37

Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Ps. 19:14

Let there be no filthiness nor foolish talk nor crude joking, which are out of place, but instead let there be thanksgiving. Eph. 5:4

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. Prov. 25:11

SHARE:

What are some reasons you find yourself being really quiet? When is talking and speaking up a struggle for you? Is there any wisdom you would like to share on this topic?

Much love!

April

RESOURCES:

If you have a very difficult marriage, please check out the healing you can find in Christ for yourself (and maybe your marriage) in Nina Roesner’s eCourse Becoming a Woman of Strength and Dignity.

Approaching My Husband’s Sin Issues – by LMSdaily

Is It Possible to Disrespect Myself?

25 Ways to Respect Myself – (or to think rightly about myself)

Isn’t Loving or Respecting Myself Wrong or Selfish? – by Radiant

The Spiritual Healing Available to Each of  Us in Christ – by Radiant

I Can’t As for Things. I Shouldn’t Have Needs, Desires, or Emotions – By Radiant

Cinderella and the Gospel – by Radiant (about how many of us reject the love of Christ instead of graciously receiving His amazing gift)

Healthy VS. Unhealthy Relationships

17 Tips to Ask for What You Desire Respectfully

Handling Political Disagreements Respectfully

Responding to Insults, Criticisms, and Rebukes

Overlooking Insults

Am I “Too Chatty” with My Husband?

Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

Ladies,

This is another one of those topics where the key is balance. It is entirely possible to be way too talkative. It is also entirely possible to be way too quiet. Of course, what you talk about or avoid talking about also matters.

When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent. Prov. 10:19 CSB

How I used to hate that verse! Probably because I talked almost non-stop. But – now I recognize it is very true. I believe that it can be wise to look at my motives and expectations every now and then if I find myself wanting to talk a lot.

Note – I am going to be speaking in generalizations, by necessity in a post like this. Your relationship may not always follow every generalization and that is totally fine!

WHY DO I WANT TO TALK WITH MY HUSBAND?

Some Not-So-Productive Reasons

If these are the reasons I want to talk with my husband, I need to go to the Lord and deal with any sin or wrong motives in my heart first. Then I can consider talking with my husband when I have taken care of my spiritual issues and I am filled with the Spirit rather than controlled by my flesh.

 

Some Great Reasons

  • I want to bond and connect with words for awhile. But I realize he may not bond this way and I know how much listening and talking he can realistically handle and I respect that.
  • There is important information I need/want to share with him.
  • I am looking to him for his wisdom and advice about an issue I am having.
  • I want to brainstorm with him about some plans.
  • I want to hear about things that are important to him.
  • I want to learn more about his perspective, masculine world, and mindset.
  • I have some legitimate concerns to share respectfully with him.
  • I want to humbly, respectfully, prayerfully confront him about his sin.
  • I want to ask him respectfully for something.
  • I want to talk with him to process my feelings and thoughts about something.
  • I feel lonely and want to feel closer to him – but I know that my primary security and contentment is in the Lord.
  • I want to build him up, bless, affirm, respect, and honor him.
  • I want to connect with him spiritually – if he is open and receptive to that, but if he is not, I can handle that graciously.
  • I want to enjoy his company and be his friend.

A FEW MORE THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

  1. When I want to talk to someone, I need to remember my audience.
  • Avoid topics he doesn’t really like.
  • Respect his preferences if he doesn’t want to talk about the news or something that is upsetting to him.
  • Focus more on things he enjoys.

2. Everyone has different preferences about how much they like to talk and listen.

  • If he is an introvert, you may want to keep conversations brief. He may actually enjoy some silence.
  • If he is an extrovert, he may enjoy longer talks, especially about things he likes.

3. There are times when it may be better not to have a deep, emotional, intense discussion.

  • One or both of you is sick, very hungry, or in significant pain – the flesh is weak.
  • You are hormonal.
  • It is late at night.
  • One or both of you is completely exhausted.
  • There is a very stressful situation.
  • He is watching his favorite football team.
  • He is working on a plumbing problem and trying to concentrate.
  • He doesn’t seem receptive.
  • You are in “flesh mode.”

4. Men sometimes associate talking with painful things like:

  • “There is a problem.”
  • “You are the problem.”

Not with:

  • “We are connecting and bonding.”

If you can make talking with you a pleasant, friendly thing, he may enjoy it more. 😉

5. If you just want him to listen, not to solve any problems, let him know that up front.

Give him a respectful heads up about that he is helping you by just listening for 10 minutes while you process your thoughts verbally. Most guys (not all, but most, in my understanding) don’t have this need and will feel like they need to fix things if we are sad or upset. If they know that just listening does help us feel better, and we show that we feel better after they listen, that can encourage them to want to listen more often.

6. A lot of men don’t really enjoy hearing every detail about our hobbies, friends, family, shopping experiences, etc…

We can sometimes easily overload them with a lot of minutia that may not be particularly engaging to them.

7. Men and women tend to talk differently.

  • Women tend to bond by talking face-to-face with words.
  • Men tend to bond by doing things together shoulder-to-shoulder, not face-to-face.

Face-to-face can feel rather emotionally intimidating to men at times. If you are watching them constantly, it can make them feel emotionally “naked” or extra vulnerable. They tend to bond just by being together and having shared experiences, or they may love to bond through sex with their wives. Just because he doesn’t bond in the same way doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to bond with you. Try to do some things that help you feel bonded and some things that help him bond his way.

For details about the research behind these tips, check out Shaunti Feldhahn’s best-selling book, “For Women Only.”

SCRIPTURE:

Verses about talking too much

Verses about the wisdom of silence

COMING UP:

I hope to share on these topics in the next few weeks:

  • What to do when you really need another outlet for talking.
  • How to tell if you are too quiet with your husband.

 

SHARE:

What wisdom has God given you about this topic that may be a blessing to other wives? What struggles do you have in this area?

 

Much love!

RELATED:

Being Married to a Man Who Doesn’t Talk Much

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

“We Need to Talk!”

Husbands and Emotions – multiple post links

A Silent Husband Shares His Heart

I Wish My Husband Would Pray with Me More

When Your Husband Needs Space

A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space

How to Ask Your Man for Things Respectfully

How to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband Emotionally

 

Ten Tips for The Journey to Become a Godly Wife

In the beginning of this journey to become a godly wife, when you are seeking to allow God to transform your heart, mind, and life I have found the following things may be wise. (This post is specially geared toward wives who realize they have been disrespectful and controlling.) Of course, all of us ultimately need to follow the Spirit’s leading in any situation:

  1. It may be best not to talk to your husband about what you are learning spiritually (unless he specifically asks) for usually the first few months, possibly longer. And if he does ask about what you are learning – it can be wise to keep things brief for a number of reasons.
    • Men don’t tend to respond much to our words about spiritual things, especially if they are hurting because of our sin or they are far from God.
    • Men don’t tend to respond much to our words about spiritual things when they perceive that we are far from God or if they don’t hold us in a lot of respect at the time because of the way we have been treating them.
    • When we are beginning this journey, we tend not to express ourselves very respectfully about what we are learning and we can inadvertently sabotage ourselves if we try to talk about it a lot.
      • “I’m learning I need to be quiet when I think that what you are saying is really stupid.”
      • “I’m going to respect you because God says I have to not because I actually respect you.”
      • “Wow, it is really hard to learn how to genuinely respect you.”
    • Most men would rather not hear all the mechanics of what we are learning. There are some very spiritually mature men who tend to be more verbal who may enjoy hearing some of what we are learning but that would be pretty rare.
  2. Keep the focus on your own heart, sin, and obedience to the Lord:
    • In your private walk with Christ.
      • Focus on repenting of any sin in your life every day. Invite God to expose sinful motives and thoughts.
      • Pray for God to change you.
      • Thank God for your husband and the good things about him.
      • There may be a time where all you do is pray for God to bless your husband and you don’t pray for God to change him if you have been praying that with selfish motives in the past.
      • Take responsibility for your spiritual well-being and growth.
    • In any conversation you believe you need to have with your husband about spiritual things (unless he is involved in serious unrepentant sin against you that simply must be addressed sooner).
    • Yes, he has sins in his life, too.
    • When speaking with other people
      • (although you may need to talk some about your husband’s issues with a godly mentor/counselor, you can still do so very respectfully).
  3. Let him SEE and experience what God is doing in your heart by your change in attitude, countenance, respect, kindness, patience, peace, joy, etc…
  4. You will likely come across a lot of things as you learn and grow that he may need to learn, too, but I suggest refraining from trying to be his spiritual teacher. God can work on his heart in time and reach him in powerful ways you can’t possibly reach him.
    • If you approach him as his spiritual authority, teacher, or preacher, it will probably repel him from you and from the Lord.
    • We are not in a position of spiritual leadership over our husbands. God has chosen to give our husbands that role of headship.
    • It is SO easy to come across as self righteous or prideful if we try to verbally teach our husbands.
    • There will be plenty of things we can humbly share as a fellow traveler on this road later when the marriage has been healed as the Lord may lead – once our husbands are interested and ask for us to share.
    • Our words as wives about spiritual things are a lot less necessary than I ever realized for many years early in our marriage.
  5. As he sees the godly example you set, it will preach a more powerful sermon to him than if you attempt to lecture him, preach at him, or teach him. Again, words are not usually that meaningful to men. They are much more impacted by changed actions and attitudes.
  6. Start a list of all the things you can think of that you respect and admire about your husband. Add to it all throughout each day.
    • Maybe consider mentioning one sentence of something you admire/respect/appreciate about him each day.
  7. If you start thinking about all the things “he should do” – that is often a red flag to refocus on allowing the Lord to transform you first.
    • It may be wise not to read books or sections of books that are about what husband should do if that is a trigger for you.
  8. Don’t be surprised if he is not very supportive of your changes at first. That is pretty common. Yes, it would be awesome if he could be super supportive. If he is not able to be in that spiritual place of strength yet, extend grace to him and continue to allow God to radically transform you to be more like Jesus.
  9. Focus on being a safe place for him emotionally and spiritually.
  10. Find all of your security, peace, joy, and identity in Jesus alone, not in what your husband does or does not do.

 

Don’t be surprised if, as God changes you, your husband gets confused about what on earth is going on. That is pretty normal. I have some posts listed at the bottom that address this issue.

SHARE:

If you have been on this journey for awhile, what are some pearls of wisdom you may feel led to share with our sisters who are just starting?

PRAY WITH ME:

Lord,
Please give us the light we need each step of this journey. We yield ourselves fully to all that You desire to do in our hearts and minds. Cleanse us! Refine us! Purify us! We humble ourselves before You. Expose any sin and anything that is not from You in our souls and lives. Help us get rid of all of that. Help us to embrace Your wisdom and Your Spirit. Let us hear Your voice clearly and follow You wholeheartedly. Make us into the godly women You call us to be for Your glory! Use us to bless our husbands and families and those around us.
Amen!

Much love!

NOTE – There may be exceptions to some of the things I am talking about in extremely toxic, abusive situations. In such cases, seek the Lord’s wisdom and wise, godly, appropriate counsel one-on-one.

RELATED:

My book “The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord”

I was surprised to discover that what my husband needed to feel respected really wasn’t a long list.

The Spiritual Healing Available to Each of Us in Christ – by Radiant

A guest post by a Christian wife and mom who is in her mid forties now. She had received Christ as a 5 year old child and was raised in a Christian home. Her personality and marriage dynamics were rather the opposite of Greg’s and mine. In addition, Radiant was severely spiritually oppressed and physically chronically ill for many years until the Lord miraculously healed her spirit and body about 3 years ago. Her physical illness was so bad that she was almost an invalid many days and couldn’t take care of her children. Sometimes she couldn’t think, walk, or talk. She had severe “brain fog,” confusion, and depression. And then some strong prayer warriors who knew Jesus and His love and power surrounded her and prayed over her. She began to renounce the horrible lies she had believed about herself and God and began to receive good things from God, His Word, His creation, food, and her family. May this post be a great blessing to you today:

Dear friends,

As we come to Jesus today, we come wounded. The vast majority of us have been beaten up and robbed on this battlefield of life. Our joy and peace have been stolen. The crucial truths about Who He is and who we are in Him – stolen, plundered and destroyed in most of the Church for centuries and left in ruins.

Our true identity has been stolen – and much like Edmund when the White Witch tempted him with becoming a prince of Narnia through obedience to her – we have believed lies of the enemy, and slipped into a frozen, dark prison. Bound in fear. Starving for nourishment. Always thirsting. Unable to breathe. Hearts racing. Bearing heavy loads. Harassed and helpless, like sheep without a Shepherd. Thinking we walk in the light (we have the Word!) as we walk in darkness and despair. Expecting ourselves to meet every standard of God’s law in our own strength, and living in constant defeat and condemnation when we don’t.

If you are like I was for so many years, you might be angry at anyone who suggests there could be real hope.

We believe we have tried. We have prayed. We have had elders and family and our church pray. We have done everything possible that we know to do and been to every doctor and tried every oil and diet, researching things to death – and yet we are…

Still stuck.

Still sick.

Still alone.

We have felt like victims. Victims of others’ abuse, of marriage, of politics, of the medical community, of the school system, of the food supply, of the Church. Of our culture. Sometimes we feel like victims of God. We start to believe the best we could get for is for someone to understand our pain – that we have been abandoned by God, the Church, and hope.

But, what was Jesus’ response to the sick, beat up, paralyzed, blind, hungry, poor and dead? If you are ready – let’s start looking at what Jesus really said and did, rather than filtering His healing or deliverance through sermons we have heard, experiences we have or haven’t had, or our current theology.

  • Can we dare to ask Him to open our hearts to Him – the Lover of our souls?
  • Can we invite Him in to heal and free our bodies, minds, spirits, relationships, and hearts?

Our Jesus told of a man who was beat up, robbed, and left for dead on the road; and the Christ-like response was Someone who picked him up, wrapped His own clothes around the wounded man, bound up his wounds, poured salve on his cuts, carried him to a safe place of rest and healing. All paid for by the Christ-like one out of love and compassion.

  • The One whose Cleanness was so contagious, He could touch lepers and they would be made clean.
  • The One whose compassion always moved Him to heal every sick, lame blind, possessed or oppressed person who was brought to Him. Every. Single. One.
  • The One who sings over us and made us His beautiful Bride. He seated us in heavenly places with Him – and He holds us close to His heart.

He draws us into the Throne Room to dance with Him as galaxies spin around Him. He whispers to His shy Bride, “In My throne room, we dance!” He moves His Bride from the shadows of condemnation, to the Light of His love and grace. This is the One who loves us with all of His heart.

We were blind –but He wants us to see. We were dead, but He raised us with His resurrection power in Him. He has moved us from the kingdom of darkness to the Kingdom of Light with Him. He has made us royalty with Him. He placed His Spirit inside us. We have His DNA! He gave us His name. He wants us to proclaim and declare His truth and good news and power over creation – that His Kingdom come and His will be done in every heart, home, marriage, child, neighborhood, church, dark place and nation as it is in heaven.

As we speak out His truth and promises in faith – He accomplishes it!

He and His angel armies are on the edge of their seats, waiting and watching for those of us who will dare to praise Jesus in our trials and speak His will and power and authority into the dark places. The power of life and blessing is in our tongues! He loves to answer!!

He is our Supply. He is our portion. Our inheritance. He is the Initiator who whispers His promises, love, and joy into our hearts – that we get to echo back to Him in faith. He is Good. He fights for us. And He loves us with a pure, holy and infinite love at all times. He does not leave us but holds us close.

No, I don’t understand everything about how suffering, sickness, disease and injuries work.

But as a former ICU and recovery room nurse who has been healed by Jesus of things man couldn’t touch – I see that things are not as clear-cut as I once believed. I can’t neatly divide the body into the digestive system or the nervous system as the obvious root of a problem.

  • I can’t divide life into merely physical versus merely spiritual.

There is no such division as secular or sacred. There are truly emotional, mental, spiritual and physical aspects tied up together in much of life. Things connect. People connect. There are root causes of things that sometimes go back into our history. Words and actions have power for blessing or cursing, for life or death. Jesus says “Choose Life!” “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life.”

Jesus has shaken up my worldview. And I am so glad He has!! I see Him calling out to His Bride (His Church), who has been sick, frail, in tremendous pain, weak, wounded, plundered and left for dead.

He says over us, “Dead bones – (your own life, dead families, dead churches) – come together. Be joined and built together.” And there is a rattling sound happening now. Now. Today!

“Bones, be put back into a body with every connection and organ and cell in place working properly. Body of My Bride – be brought together and be made whole.” And the Bride is coming together, being healed and being united. She is being given the strength to stand on the Truth with Jesus.

“Breath of the Spirit – fill my Bride with Life! It is time. Now is the time for her to Live. Arise My Love! The grave no longer has a hold on you! It’s time to dance!! Sing to me as I sing over you, My beautiful one. Praise me and see what I am about to do! The bells of Freedom are ringing over you!”

Holy Spirit,

We invite You in. Open our cold and hard hearts and spirits to You. Help our unbelief. We invite You into our bodies, minds and hearts. Strengthen our spirits to be able to receive revelation of who You really are and Your great love for us.

Open the dusty drawers, dig up old rotting things in our closets. Cleanse, purge, prune us of all that is not of You. Reveal to us the places we are full of unbelief or pride, fear or doubt, anger or bitterness. Root it all out, Jesus. Plow up our hearts to be ready with good soil for all the seeds of Your Word You want to plant in us. Fruitful, beautiful things from You that need dead rotting things to be cast out.

Help us take up the weapons, tools and authority You have given us to take every thought captive for Christ. To reject all that is not of You. To receive everything that is of You, even if it is very different from how we are used to thinking. To the praise of Your glorious grace!

Amen.

You are loved!
Radiant

OTHER POSTS BY RADIANT

I Can’t Ask for Things. I Shouldn’t Have Needs Desires or Emotions

Being a Trophy Wife Is Not the Goal

Cinderella and the Gospel – about receiving the love and gift of Jesus for us with joy rather than rejecting Him with cynicism

Isn’t Loving or Respecting Myself Wrong and Selfish?

For a Wife with a Critical, Perfectionistic Husband

 

“Isn’t Loving or Respecting Myself Wrong and Selfish?” – by Radiant

I’m honored to welcome Radiant to share with us today. She has been married almost 23 years and has several children. The Lord has radically healed her from pretty severe spiritual oppression and even physical illness. This sweet sister in Christ has had a very different road from my own. She had the opposite personality and issues from mine. We had to work on becoming godly women/wives from opposite ends of the spectrum. But the end goal is the same. To be filled up with Jesus, healed by His power, yielded fully to His Lordship, overflowing with His love, truth, and grace, and ready to be the women the Lord calls us to be. I pray this may be a blessing for those who struggle in understanding your identity in Christ, your worth in Christ, and how to think of and treat yourself in God-honoring ways:

To the many, many others who struggle with this; grace and peace to you to be strengthened in your spirit to receive the truth from God in this crucial area today. If we can’t get this – we can’t grow, and we are going to stay imprisoned in darkness.

April and I come to issues like this from opposite extremes. When April used certain words – “love yourself” or “respect yourself,” for instance, – I automatically repelled from those ideas like the wrong end of a magnet. I could no longer hear what she was saying because my biggest fear was being a selfish, nagging, demanding pig of a wife. And my biggest pride though I couldn’t realize it – was not having needs, not asking for anything, and never being demanding like those other people.

I tried very hard to be completely self-sufficient. I thought that was a good thing.

But there is a way that seems wise to man that in the end leads to death. That is what my thinking was.

Self is a confusing idea for us in our Christian culture.

  1. We have an Old Self that we are to die to. It is also called “the flesh” or “our sin nature.” (Colossians 3  and Galatians 5 show the traits of our Old Self – it’s not pretty for any of us). The only thing it is good for is dying. We are to put it off completely – it is nasty. Like a totally filthy garment of rags. It is completely tainted with sin. It needs to die on the Cross with Jesus and be buried with Him in baptism. I think that is the self we think people are pointing to when they say “love or respect yourself.” We know our Old Self is disgusting, with nothing good in it – and we have tons of evidence listed in alphabetical categories since we were four years old to prove it. Any self-effort to improve or love God or be good on our own is tainted by this Old Self. But that is not all there is to us as new creations in Christ.
  2. We are all image bearers of God. There is dignity to all of our lives from conception to death, no matter the state of our physical/mental/spiritual well being (Ps. 139). We are broken image bearers – but still image bearers. And there is a sacredness and a dignity to human life, including YOU because of that.  You have worth because God created you just like a painting that was painted by Picasso has worth because He painted it. You count as one of the ones in the world that God so loved – for whom He sent His only Son to die  (John 3:16).
  3. If you are a believer in Christ – you have a New Self. If we could see spiritually what that New Self looks like – as C.S. Lewis says, we would be tempted to worship it. The demons can see the Holy Spirit in us. They see the Light of Jesus’ goodness flowing through us in beautiful glory, (IF we are walking in faith and our true identity in Christ and in His authority and dying to Self). And they are terrified.

Most of us in our Christian culture have received a gospel that is Non-Good News. We believe Jesus died for us (He probably hated it and felt like He had to), and that He saved us just enough to get us into heaven and dump us at the very outer rim, near the huge walled perimeter, while He moved on to “important people and things.” Now everything is up to us to make the Kingdom happen and to grow by ourselves (we have been trained to think – or we misinterpreted what was taught).

So we have the Seed of the Spirit in our hearts which wants to burst open with Life and Light. The Seed of Life. But we are refusing to breathe.

The Word is God-breathed – and we need to breathe in His Word for us personally every day and actually absorb it. Sometimes, we are not watering that Seed with Living water, but with the poison of evil lies we tell ourselves. We have hard, rocky, unbelieving hearts in a Church full of unbelief and worldliness. We have choked the seed with the cares of this world and with pseudo-science, culture, entertainment, and busyness. We have stayed in the rotting darkness rather than come out into the Light, thinking we have faith and are doing pretty well as Christians since most Christians we know are in about the same place or have an everything-is-fine facade.

Of course we are not growing. We are starving and rotting.

We have not taken every thought captive for Christ. We have allowed the Enemy to infiltrate every area of our thinking and feelings, and therefore every part of our mind, heart and body – but not our spirit – because that is the Lord’s once we are saved. Our spirit and His Spirit in us long for Him! There is a war within us that isn’t content until we have freedom, life, peace, joy and most of all Christ!

He desires Truth in our inmost being. Where are these thoughts coming from?

  • “No one could ever love me.”
  • “I am the most worthless person ever. I am Nobody.”
  • “Jesus could never love me. I am too far beyond His help.”
  • “God has abandoned me and left me to rot in a pit/dungeon/shelf.”
  • “Jesus would never want to set me free.”
  • “Jesus could never heal me/my situation.”

Are these the thoughts of God or of the Enemy?

If this is what God thinks of you – who is this God? Is God good? Is He love? Is He all powerful? Is this the God of the Bible? If these are lies – what are we doing letting them stay in our brains?

Somehow we believe that we can be saved – but still treat ourselves like absolute dirt and not believe anything God says about Himself or about us.

  • Like we can legitimately call God a Liar.
  • Like it is ok to treat the Bride of Christ that way.
  • Like it is ok to treat our Holy, Almighty, Good, Merciful Father that way.
  • Like we are more holy than God in our lack of forgiving ourselves or receiving good?

We have been deceived if we believe these things! We have been robbed of so much grace and blessing and truth!

Don’t let the Enemy keep gloating over you!

No, our Jesus is STILL anointed to set the captives free, to bring good news to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, and to open the prisons of those who are bound. (Isa 61) Where the Lord is there is freedom! If Jesus has set you free, you are free indeed!

But – you have to receive it by faith. True faith requires action. You have to walk out of that prison. You have to come into the light once those shackles are off. You have to breathe His healing Presence in. Breathe in His love and forgiveness and all He has done for you. Receive it.

  • Breathe out the lies and hurts and bitterness and unbelief and feeling abandoned and voicelessness and not counting as a real person and all of the vows you have made yourself to protect yourself since you were little.
  • You have to exchange the lie for the truth.
  • Confess your brokenness, pain, these lies you have been believing, how you have made Jesus small and you and your problems and limitations and weakness big.
  • Confess that you have thought of God as cruel – that He made you wrong and isn’t able to or won’t save you or set you free.
  • Confess that you felt abandoned by God at a crushing time in your life. That you thought God was mad at you, or that you may have been mad at God though you could never admit it. That when everything crumbled to pieces in your life, and God didn’t fix it, you tried to step in and save yourself and your marriage and your kids. You may need to write out a list of things to confess to God to get it unjumbled in your head. Your list may look different but we all have a list.
  • Get every negative thought and hurt and bitterness and unbelieving thought out into the Light. Reject it in the Name of Jesus.
  • Then – don’t leave yourself empty – receive the Truth about God and you. And know you are truly forgiven, white as snow. Not because you feel it – but because God promised it. “If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and to cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness” 1 John 1:9. He is Faithful and True. He does not lie.

So our first step is to receive total forgiveness – that there is nothing else we have to do and we do not need to hang on to our guilt or accusing ourselves anymore. The debt is paid. Where that old self was – we now have our New Self – which is Christ in us. His goodness, His perfection, His mind, His heart, His desires, His power. All Him. So we don’t feel it yet – but we receive it in faith. And we receive everything God says is true about His Bride. about His Church. His people. His love towards them – that is His love towards us.

It is Christ in us that gives us our new identity and all goodness.

Now – we have a reason to treat our “selves” well. Because it is Christ in us. We are absolutely one with Him. Nothing can separate us from His love. Not even our old self! That is the identity April is trying to get us to see. Our New Self that is glorious and one with Christ.

Then the next time the old accusation darts attack us – we have our armor on, ready for battle (Eph. 6:10-17). We have  on

  • The breastplate of His righteousness protecting our hearts.
  • The helmet of salvation (we KNOW we are saved).
  • The belt of truth (so we don’t trip up on all those lies).
  • The readiness of the gospel of peace on our feet.
  • The sword of the Word to fight off the enemy.
  • The shield of faith.

And we reject the lies and accusations in the Name of Jesus and replace them with the Truth. We have been drinking milk like baby Christians, but we start to get stronger and ready to move on to solid food because we can discern truth from lies by lots of practice and being washed in the Word (Heb 5).

Blessings!!!

SCRIPTURAL SUPPORT:

Loving ourselves appropriately is something God assumes we will do. Check out the second greatest commandment and God’s instructions to husbands in Ephesians 5:

  • “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” Matt. 22:36-40
  • In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. Eph. 6:28-30

Other verses about self-respect and thinking rightly about self:

  • Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Cor. 5:17
  • For you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body. 1 Cor. 6:20
  • For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. 1 John 5:4

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