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A Wife Decides to Meet Her Husband’s Greatest Masculine Needs

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An email from a wife who has been focusing on learning to be a godly, respectful wife who honors her husband’s leadership.  Thank you to this wife for allowing me to share her story!  I LOVE seeing the way God works in many different wives’ hearts and seeing all the lightbulb moments.  I pray that many other wives might be blessed!

April,

I just wanted to tell you this new revelation that you helped me to arrive at is STILL working! I no longer get upset at my husbands very predictable responses to situations that are stressful to him. I just completely ignore the fact that he is starting to raise his voice/stress out. I stay calm and he calms down, very quickly.

It seems God has been steering me towards this message repeatedly over the past few weeks. The last 4 Focus on the Family broadcasts were about accepting and understanding each other’s differences and loving others even when they are sometimes being hurtful – how this most often ends up with the best outcomes for both people. Not FIGHTING the male nature but embracing it. And then I came across a secular book  but it may as well have been written by a Christian because it definitely fits with all the principles of a biblical marriage – he is basically providing research and evidence from his professional practice to back up God’s universal marriage laws.

I did a quiz which helps identify your man’s greatest masculine needs and my husband’s top 4 were:

  • The need to be the leader
  • the need to protect one’s family
  • the need for action
  • the need for acknowledgement of efforts.

The author said, “Your man will probably not be able to verbalise his deepest needs but think back to the main threads in your arguments, most will be based on these needs.” And most definitely, our arguments have been around these 4 needs of his.

Before we married I ADMIRED his need and ability to be a strong man.  I saw these as desirable traits before we were married – but once we were married his need to lead irritated me. The book helped me understand WHY he feels this need – it is because he does not want to be shamed in front of others, especially those he loves.

He wants to feel and look like a hero.

Surely I can protect these feelings and honour them – even if at times he will go about trying to get this need met in the wrong way.


He always talks about how he likes to be active... when we first got married I tried to stop him from playing basketball…!!! (that sounds so terrible now) but he told me he felt God doesn’t want him to play anymore because he could better spend his time (when we were dating).  I was actually surprised at first but then thought well if that is what God wants then that is what he better do – so I tried to ENFORCE it myself !?!?!? (go figure)  I didnt physically STOP him from going but I was not supportive at all. I deeply regret this and am finally realizing I am NOT his Holy Spirit!!!  I think he was deeply wounded by me trying to exercise control in this area and is only NOW 8 years later losing weight and getting back into basketball – something I have finally realized he TRULY loved since he was a young child. 

Last night when my husband needed to work, I didn’t complain but offered to bring him a hot drink – he very much welcomed this.  Then I thought “I’ll test out this need for acknowledgement” and I said, “Thanks for working so hard, Honey” while I rubbed his back. He instantly got such a pleased, almost relieved, look on his face, I could tell he was delighted.

He has been acting so sweet towards me lately. 

Today he really wanted to play basketball and was getting stressed out because he needed to be at the store.  So I offered to come in for him. He was SO happy. I am finally starting to realize that his needs are just as important and LEGITIMATE (duh?!?!) and that I need to actively show him love in ways that mean a LOT to him… not in ways that would be meaningful to me.

Then I am in a MUCH better position to respectfully ask for the things I want also and trust in his goodness to meet whichever need he possibly can.

For our anniversary he really did buy me flowers and they were these big expensive ones … then we went out to dinner… when we got back he really wanted to go for a walk so that he didnt skip his new weight loss routine.  Before, I might have become sulky saying “Can’t we just spend one whole night together?”  But I thought he was so busy at work today and yet came home got dressed up and took me to dinner – surely I can give something too…so we both went on the walk.

I am doing better at keeping in the Word lately and usually on my Bible iPhone app the very verse for that day seems to be very useful to me… I then also read the rest of that chapter for the day.

Just wanted to let you know how it was going, I know I still have so much to learn but these new truths and approaches have amazed me so much.

 

FROM PEACEFULWIFE:

a list of My Favorite Marriage Books

Something that Christian Men Wish We Knew about Them

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This is a guest post from www.peacefulsinglegirl.wordpress.com (my other blog) this week for the SINGLE ladies.  It is a single Christian man’s response to a question I asked him after Tuesday’s post (Why Asking About His “Five Year Plan” Can Backfire).  I believe that the way we treat our men reflects the same level of respect that we give to Jesus.  When I was disrespectful and controlling with my husband, that is also how I treated God. (Of course, I didn’t realize I was being that way with either of them.)  And when a woman is respectful towards her husband and honors him – that is almost always a woman who also respects and honors Christ.

I asked him, “What can Christian single women do when they believe they are having to wait too long for the Christian man they are interested in to “move forward” in a romantic relationship?”  

His answer amazes me.  This may be a bit painful to hear – because it will force us to look into the mirror and we may be surprised about what we see there.  But his response has so much meat in it, that I want us all to hear what he has to say.  I’m an old married woman :), and I learned a LOT from his perspective that even applies in marriage.  Many of us made a lot of these exact mistakes when we were dating our husbands – and I believe we are sometimes suffering in our marriages today because of those mindsets that began early in our relationships.  I think this same mindset may also be how we sometimes approach God – and I believe it is time to take a look at our approach to our husbands and to Jesus. THANK YOU to this man for his willingness to share:

Every couple will have a different set of personalities and circumstances. I don’t think there is a one-size-fits-all answer to this other than to listen for the Holy Spirit’s voice, and have a heart that desires to obey God and honor your brother in Christ before yourself.

If your priority and focus is on yourself and your dreams and expectations and everything YOU want in the relationship or engagement/marriage, you will show him that not only is he less important to you than your list of desires/dreams/expectations, but that you only see him as the means by which you achieve those desires/dreams/expectations, ie: a convenient object to use.

Do we say to Jesus, “Hurry-up and jump on that cross, because I want to taste Paradise?!”  No! This was his choice and gift to us! Paradise/Heaven are gifts and blessings we are lucky to receive, not a “right” we deserve when we want it. But that is what dating Christian women feels like. They believe men are obligated by God to make all their desires, dreams, wishes, and expectations come true, and the sooner the better.

Your lists of desires and qualifications, and your urgent timetable do not change a man’s gift into your “right!”

We don’t owe you anything! (From Peacefulwife – please remember, this is a single man – not even in a dating relationship.  Two Christian women he was friends with, not even dating, at different times demanded to know his “5 year plan” and then never talked with him again after he tried to answer their surprise “pop quiz” as he described it.)

Our hearts, our thoughts, our time, our energy, our money, our commitments, and our lifetime of hard work and sacrifices are all our gifts to the women we choose to give them to, when we choose to give those things to them. When women DEMAND any of these, we don’t want to give them away.

Many  (single) Christian women place so much emphasis on marriage, children, and materialistic things they want NOW, that many men feel a lot of pressure to hear God correctly and honor their girlfriends, all while trying to slow down the process enough so we can feel comfortable about whether or not to move forward, having a plan, working hard, and investing ourselves into both the costs and benefits of the relationship. It is not as easy as simply saying, “Yes,” and women would not be satisfied with words alone. I believe men deserve the time they need to make such promises and commitments willingly.

If you want the gift, you have to wait until it is handed to you. You can’t just pry it out of his hands and act like you already deserve it, and that he owes it to you. It is not your gift to give!

The more women want to speed-up their relationships, the more men will resist.

I wonder, “What do women expect will happen when they do become married? Do women think they are right to drag their husbands around by the hand for the rest of their lives. I hope not!”

If you want a relationship with a man, you should learn to love and adapt to his timetable. If he loves you, he will learn gradually over time how to balance both, but if he feels rushed he will resist, and you will only be adding more time to your wait. If you feel a need to rush things, you will likely show him that his sense of time, perspective, and priorities are “wrong,” and that you are unwilling to value or respect and consider his thoughts and opinions, and may not ever be willing to follow his lead.

Speaking from experience, I’m so used to Christian women jumping insistently from the beginning to rush and force the issue, that I would feel much more honored by waiting. It shows me more respect for my thoughts and opinions, and allows me the flexibility and opportunity to practice leading, while giving her the same flexibility and opportunity to practice following. To me, it demonstrates the difference between actually following or merely talking about it.

I don’t want to be led around by the hand and told what a good little leader I am every time I do what she wants.

I guess the real question is, “Which is most important to you, the man you say you love or your need to live by your own rules and schedules?” Only one of those will have priority.

Again, I believe God will speak clearly how best each couple should proceed to avoid unnecessary troubles.

Also, when 66%-75% of all break-ups and divorces are initiated by women for selfish and “no fault” reasons, that statistic alone encourages me to wait longer to marry a woman that would be right for me. If women were truly concerned about not “wasting time”, they wouldn’t date people for fun or break-up because they’re bored. Their “Yes” would mean yes, and their “No” would mean no. If most women can’t keep their promises, I see no reason to rush into any committed relationship or marriage.

Men aren’t afraid of commitment! We’re afraid of what will happen to us after that commitment!

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