Skip to main content

When You Want Your Husband to Initiate Sex

Photo by Edward Cisneros on Unsplash

It’s beneficial for wives to know that this is a pretty common issue. They are not alone. In my research, my understanding is that for 40% of couples, the wife has the higher sex drive. Of course, this dynamic changes even in an individual marriage over time. Men tend to reach their sexual peak in their early twenties. Women tend to reach their sexual peak in their later thirties or forties. And everyone has his/her own unique issues going on, as well. So most couples will rarely have identical sexual appetites. And, in my experience, if a wife tends to have a stronger personality and a husband tends to have a more passive personality, this issue may crop up even more often. So this topic is something we all can seek to learn to handle with grace.

Today, I am primarily talking to wives whose husbands are physically fairly healthy and who do not have medical issues causing low testosterone, ED, or low sex drive. I am also not talking about situations involving active infidelity or severe alcohol, drug, or porn addictions. I’m also assuming that your husband is home fairly often and not out of town for extended periods of time. Obviously, he can’t initiate sex if he isn’t there.

If you are feeling frustrated and hurt, I do understand that this is very painful. It hurts deeply to feel rejected sexually by your own spouse – whether he knows how much you are hurting or not, and whether he intends for you to hurt or not. There are so many emotions attached to this issue. It can be an extremely sensitive subject – for both spouses. If things are extremely painful, it may be helpful to meet with a godly, biblical counselor or trusted godly wife mentor.

Today I am talking about situations where the husband is willing to have sex, but maybe the wife usually tends to initiate intimacy most and the wife tends to desire sex more often than her husband seems to.

Just a head’s-up: What I am going to share is going to feel very counter-intuitive. It is going to seem like the opposite of what your feelings are clamoring for you to do. But I think this approach is going to be very much worth a try. <3

Things that won’t work:

  • Verbal pressure (Prov. 21:9):
    • Directives or demands.
      • You have to…
      • You should…
      • You better…
    • Insults:
      • If you were a real man you would…
      • You must be gay if you don’t want sex with me.
      • Something has to be wrong with you.
    • Threats:
      • If you don’t do this, I’ll…
    • Interrogation (questions with an angry, irritated, resentful tone):
      • You don’t love me anymore, do you?
      • How could you possibly not be attracted to me now?
    • Violence
      • Throwing things.
      • Hitting him, trying to physically hurt him.
  • Flirt with other men to try to make him jealous.
  • Complain to him or to others. (Phil. 2:14-16)
  • Argue with him. (Phil. 2:14-16)
  • Be needy and clingy. (1 Cor. 13:4-6)
  • Express lots of negative emotions/crying.(Prov. 25:28)
  • Give him icy silence, the “cold shoulder,” bitterness, and resentment. (Heb. 12:15)

Love does no harm to a neighbor. Rom. 13:10

Things that tend to help:

  • Refrain from talking about sex at all temporarily (at least for a month or two, possibly longer, as God leads).
  • Pray and invite God to bring healing into your sexual union with your husband for His glory.
  • Rest in God’s love for you, be content in Christ, focus on growing in your faith and finding your security in Christ.
  • Give your husband some time and space to feel his desire for you. If you initiate every day or every other day, he may feel like he doesn’t get the opportunity to initiate, himself.
  • Take your thoughts captive for Christ, don’t allow the enemy to direct your thoughts.
  • Face this trial with joy, allowing God to use it to help you grow spiritually.
  • Get rid of any negative approach, words, resentment, bitterness, or unforgiveness.
  • Focus on the good things (Phil. 4:8) about your husband/ marriage and on being thankful for the things he does.
  • Be friendly, positive, soft, warm, inviting, and welcoming.
  • Respond in the power of the fruit of the Holy Spirit with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Gal. 5:22-23)
  • Enjoy cuddling with your husband if he is open to that.
  • Be loyal, trustworthy, and completely dependable – only doing good to him, never harm. (Prov. 31:10-31)
  • Extend patience, understanding, and compassion to him when he is exhausted, sick, injured, grieving over a loss in his life, or overworked.
  • Respond with dignity, poise, self-respect, respect for your husband, and self-control when things don’t work out the way you had hoped. (Gal. 5:22-23)
  • Be available but waiting for him to initiate (this may take a few weeks, even a month or more, depending on the situation.)
  • Don’t measure his love for you or your security in the marriage by how many times per week you have sex or how many times per month he initiates. It is not an accurate measure, necessarily, and it probably makes you feel like you need to pressure him too much.
  • Enjoy whatever time, attention, and affection he gives you.
  • Respond positively when he flirts or is affectionate.
  • Let him know how much you love his attention and desire for you when he does shower you with these things.
  • Use the time you have for yourself to focus on spiritual oneness with the Lord and on growing in your faith.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 1 Cor. 13:4-7

NOTE:

Yes, the Lord calls us as spouses to be voluntarily willing and cooperative when our spouse desires sex. (1 Cor. 7:3-5) Each spouse is responsible for himself/herself to seek to be generous and available to his/her spouse. We are not given a command that we can force ourselves or take what we want from our spouse. (I have 2 video on this. Video 1, Video 2)

RELATED

Let’s Talk about Sex – This post has links to every post I have written on the subject of sex. There are many posts related to wives who desire sex more than their husbands, wives who don’t want sex as much as their husbands do, as well as numerous other issues.

When You Want a Baby but Your Husband Doesn’t

A Big Lightbulb about Contentment

What Do I Do with My Desire for Emotional/Verbal Connection?

Being Married to a Man Who Is Emotionally/Spiritually Shut Down

What If My Husband Doesn’t Care about My Happiness?

Laying Down Expectations

Bitterness of Soul – I Want to Be His FIRST Priority! – by A Fellow Wife

A Fellow Wife Thinks about Giving Space

What Is Attractive/Unattractive to Husbands?

SHARE

If God has shown you things about how to approach your husband wisely and in productive ways regarding this issue and you would like to share anonymously in a future (rated G) post, please send me a message on my Contact page.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I actually have a post with links to every article I have written related to sex here if you need some additional resources about a wide variety of issues.

He Would Like to Have Input, Too

Photo by Christelle BOURGEOIS on Unsplash

 

The wise woman builds her house,
    but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.

Prov. 14:1

Let’s imagine a fictional scenario together for a moment:

Maybe my kids and I have had a lot of head congestion in recent months. Lots of runny noses. Difficulty sleeping, coughing, etc… And maybe I decide that we must be allergic to dust. So I decide I want the wall-to-wall carpet completely torn out of the house and I want everything replaced with hardwoods. I truly believe that this is a critical health issue. Yes, it will cost a lot, and yes, my husband is working on a different expensive project right now, but it seems like it should be top priority to me. After all, it is our health, we are talking about. What could be more important than that?

I have been researching a lot. One night, as soon as my husband comes home from work, I say, “Honey, I think the kids and I are allergic to dust. That must be the reason why we are all sick so much. But I know exactly what will help! We just need to get rid of all of the carpet in the house by next week. Wall-to-wall carpet is the worst for people with dust allergies. I have picked out some hardwood floors for us, and I already got a quote from Lowe’s. Obviously, we will want to get the fossilized bamboo 5.5 inch solid hardwood for the downstairs. And Yukon gold hickory solid hardwoods for the upstairs. It will be $6,000 installed. They can come next Thursday. We’ll have to move the furniture ourselves into storage for a few days. That will be $300 plus the cost of a U-Haul. Or we could do a storage container in the driveway, whichever you prefer. And we’ll have to stay in a hotel for 3-4 nights. But I found a great hotel that would only be about $150 per night. You’re good with all that, right?”

Then, if my husband hesitates, wants to ask some questions, wants to put down his briefcase, wants to eat supper first, has other solutions, or other priorities, I get upset. “What? You obviously don’t care about our health or love your family at all if you aren’t on board with my plan right now!”

This was basically my approach earlier in our marriage. (It’s exaggerated slightly here, but not much!)

Yikes.

It is very tempting to look at a problem, do all of the research and thinking through things myself, and then suddenly present the entire issue and my solution all at once to my husband. I may think I am really helping him out so he doesn’t have to do any thinking or any research.

That actually doesn’t feel like “help” to him, turns out!

In fact, a husband may feel a bit “ambushed” by this approach.

Here are a few things I know now that husbands tend to appreciate:

  • He may like to have some time to think through an important issue himself, too. I may have been thinking about it all day, but he hasn’t.
  • He may have other ways of looking at things that shed a lot of light on the issue.
  • He may have wisdom to share that I need to hear.
  • He wants to have a voice, too.
  • He wants to have a chance to research things and share his concerns and ideas.
  • He wants to feel like we are a team.
  • He doesn’t want to be painted into a corner where he has to agree with my solution or he is the bad guy.
    • If you don’t agree to this right now, you don’t care about your family.
    • If you don’t agree to this right now, you don’t love us.
    • If you ask questions, you aren’t concerned about our health.
  • He may desire a chance to humbly, lovingly lead.

These days, instead of springing a crisis and solution on my husband all at once, I am much more likely to approach him (after supper) like this:

  • I’ve been thinking about X problem. I’m concerned it may be affecting our health. What are your thoughts?
  • Then, for my particular husband, I give him time to think about things. He may need days or weeks to mull over something. And, in a situation like this, that is okay. It is not an emergency. (Now, if the toilet is overflowing, that is an emergency. It needs to be dealt with right away. Thankfully, though, many things are not emergencies.)
  • I’ve been considering Y for a solution. What do you think about that?
  • Here is what concerns me…
  • What approach do you think would be best?

My husband may bring some new ideas to the table:

  • I think I want to try changing the air filters to start with. Let’s see if that helps.
  • What things lead you to believe it is allergies, not frequent colds and viruses making everyone sick?
  • Have you tried any allergy medicine for any of you? Does that help at all?
  • If the allergy medicine helps, maybe we can get some allergy testing done to see what the allergies actually are.
  • I noticed some black looking mold on the ceiling in the kids’ bathroom. I’m going to clean it and paint over it with Kilz.

Most husbands would like to try the least expensive, easiest remedies first. If a $10 treatment works, why spend $6000?

A husband is not being unloving by responding this way. A husband who wants some time to process things, ask questions, and do some research does care about his family and their health. He is trying to lead in a godly way and be a good steward of the limited financial resources the family has. He doesn’t want to jump to a wrong conclusion. He wants to be sure the root issue is really being addressed.

There are a lot of things that could potentially be going on here. It’s wise to slow down and examine things thoroughly. Yes, we may need hard floors, but let’s be sure that is truly what will help before we make a hasty decision.

Of course, it is totally fine for me to also have respectful questions, requests, input, and suggestions. That is part of how we make decisions together as a team. If we can’t come to an agreement in the end (and he is not asking me to clearly sin), then I can choose to honor my husband’s leadership and pray and invite God to work in the situation and give him wisdom.

Husbands tend to appreciate having some time and space to think, make suggestions, ask questions, propose possible solutions, and look at things from a variety of angles. They tend to like to be involved in the problem-solving – especially if they feel respected and valued.

What a blessing to be able to respectfully share my concerns with my husband but also to let him be part of figuring out the solution. God put us together because we can help to balance each other out with our different perspectives and approaches.

It’s also important to remember that so many times, the issue and eventual decision aren’t nearly as important in God’s eyes as how we treat each other along the way is.

Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Eph. 5:33

SHARE

We’d love to hear about ways God has shown you how to approach your husband respectfully about important decisions.

Husbands, any suggestions?

<3

(Note – If you need one-on-one counseling for a difficult situation, please check out Focus on the Family’s counseling service or Biblical Counseling. Thanks!)

My Commenting Policy

RELATED POSTS

17 Tips to Ask for What You Desire Respectfully

Supporting My Husband’s Leadership

My Husband Won’t Lead – Part 1

Ways Husbands Lead That Wives Often Don’t Notice

What Is Respect in Marriage?

Signs My Husband Feels Disrespected and Unloved

How Satan Would Love to Destroy Your Marriage Through Your Thought Life

RELATED BOOK

The Peaceful Wife – Living in Submission to Christ As Lord – there are several chapters on disrespect, respect, and how to honor our husband’s leadership in ways that honor the Lord.

 

 

 

 

 

Are Women Inferior to Men in God’s Eyes?

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Some women think terrible things about God and His relationship with women today. They’ll say things like:

  • God hates women.
  • The Bible is misogynistic.
  • God created women to be inferior to men.
  • Men are more important than women to God.

If that was the kind of God we had, I could understand why a lot of women wouldn’t be excited about loving Him wholeheartedly or yielding to His Lordship. That sounds horrible! Thankfully, this is NOT the message of the Bible.

Of course, many people go the opposite way today, saying that women are superior to men and all men are evil. We humans seem to be obsessed with trying to make one gender inherently more holy and one gender inherently more evil than the other.

How can we know what is really true?

Let’s do a brief overview of what the Bible actually has to say about our worth as women together, precious sisters.

The Bible is our source of absolute truth because it is the infallible Word of God. God’s Word must be the measure we use to determine what is right and what is wrong. If I trust any other source, I am trusting sinful, fallible people and I am not going to find the real truth. When I build my life on God’s Word, I build on Solid Rock rather than sinking sand.

OUR WORTH IN GOD’S EYES:

  • Men and women were both created in the image of God.
    • So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them. Gen. 1:27
  • God blessed both men and women.  
    • And God blessed them. Gen. 1:28
  • God pronounced that everything He made was very good after He created both man and woman.
    • And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. Gen. 1:31
  • God created man first, then He created woman with a very special purpose.
    • Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” Gen. 2:18
    • The word “helper” is the same word that is used about the Holy Spirit being our helper. It is not a derogatory term, but a powerful and good term.
    • God did create men and women to be different from each other. He created unique roles for each one.
    • In God’s economy, “different” doesn’t mean one is less valuable and having equal worth doesn’t mean we are identical.
  • God designed for women to be unconditionally loved, cherished, and honored in marriage to demonstrate the way Jesus loves, cherishes, and honors His Bride, the Church. God created marriage to be a permanent, life-long covenant between a husband and wife that is the primary example of His love for His people.
    • Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. Gen. 2:24
    • Marriage is to be a living picture of the beautiful relationship between Jesus and His church where the husband is to portray the selfless love, leadership, humility, and sacrifice of Jesus for the church and the wife is to portray the admiration, cooperative spirit, honor, and love of the church for Jesus – Ephesians 5:22-33
  • Men and women both sinned and are equally cursed because of sin and equally in need of a Savior. We are all in the same boat. There is no room for any of us to be prideful that we are “better” than anyone else. Only God is good. People have no goodness in ourselves because of sin. Some of the curse of sin impacts men and women differently, but we are all cursed because of sin and rebellion against God. And we are all subject to death because of our sin.
    • The curse for men, women, and the serpent – Genesis 3 
    • For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. Rom. 3:23-24
    • For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. 6:23
    • For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16
    • The gospel is for all people – men and women – and all have equal ability to become children of God through Jesus and the cross.
    • We all have equal access to God through Jesus.
    • All men and women are to submit absolutely to the Lordship of Christ.
  • In Christ, all people have equal worth/value and equal access to all that He has done for us.
    • There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Gal. 3:28
    • But because of his great love for us (all believers), God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. Eph. 2:4-7
  • Women are co-heirs with Jesus and with our husbands as children of God and are to be treated with dignity and honor. In God’s economy all people are to be treated with love, respect, dignity, and honor.
    • Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Rom. 8:17
    • Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Pet. 3:7

THE TWO GREATEST COMMANDS

There are two commands Jesus says are the greatest in all the world for all of us – men and women (Matt. 22:36-40):

  1. To love the Lord our God with all our hearts, minds, souls, and strength.
  2. To love others as we love ourselves. (This includes all people)

The Second Greatest Commandment means that all believers in Christ are to love all people with the very agape love of God found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8:

  • Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.

And all believers are to be Spirit-filled so that the fruit of all of our lives include the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control of God in the way we interact with all other people (Gal. 5:22-23).

When we are in right standing and relationship with God through Jesus, He completely transforms our ability – as men and women – to have healthy relationships with other people. We want to treat others well – with love, value, respect, and honor.

AUTHORITY DOES NOT EQUAL WORTH IN GOD’S KINGDOM

I believe some of the greatest misunderstandings people have about God, the Bible, and women come from the worldly expectation that “people who have positions of authority have greater worth.” The president of the company makes a lot more money, in our society, than the janitor, for example. That may be how things are for  the world, but in God’s economy, a person’s worth is a function of God’s love for him/her and that person being created by God in His image.

Our worth is not related to our function, talents, gifts, or roles in various areas of our lives in God’s eyes.

An unborn or newborn baby has great value and worth in God’s sight, but the baby has zero authority. Widows and orphans have great worth in God’s sight, but in many cultures throughout history and even today, they often have had no authority or standing in society and no ability to provide for themselves. That is why God has created positions of authority to protect these people He loves so dearly. God does not show favoritism.

Jesus is God, He is part of the Godhead. He submitted Himself humbly to the authority of the Father, and yet He was equal to the Father. His submission was out of love for God and out of reverence for God’s government. The example of authority/submission in the Godhead has nothing to do with worth – it is about love, provision, and order.

GOD’S AUTHORITY STRUCTURE

  • There are different positions of authority that are delegated by God to accomplish His will in our lives. He chooses to lead us through certain means. This is God’s system of spiritual government and order: government leaders, police/military, work leaders, church leaders, family leaders (husbands and parents). It is critical to understand that in God’s economy, positions of authority are not related to a person’s worth. In fact, God generally uses the stronger people to protect the more vulnerable, weak, and precious ones.
    • Spiritual Authority – This post contains most of the verses in Scripture about God’s design for His system of government and order in all areas of our lives.
    • People in positions of spiritual authority (both male and female) are to do God’s will and His work. They are not permitted to abuse or sin against anyone by God.
  • When God gives someone a position of authority, it is to protect, bless, shepherd, care for, nurture, and lead the ones in that person’s care into God’s will. It is never for the leader to be a selfish, abusive, unloving, prideful tyrant. The leader is to imitate the very love, humility, sacrifice, and selflessness of Jesus for His beloved Bride.
    • Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant. Matt. 20:25-26
  • All people in positions of God-given authority, all believers, and all unbelievers answer to Jesus in the end.
    • And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.” Matt. 28:18
    • Great White Throne Judgement

PRAYER

Lord,

Please heal the areas of our hearts, minds, and souls where we have misunderstood Your heart and Your love for men and women. Help us to see and reject the lies we have embraced that are so toxic. Help us to build our lives on Your Word, Your truth, Your love, and Your goodness. Help us to seek Your will above everything else. Help us to find all of our identity and security in Christ, not in anything the world may try to say. And help us to become the radiant, peaceful, joyful, Spirit-filled, holy women You call us to be. Use us to radically impact our families and this world for Your kingdom!

Amen!

 

RELATED POSTS

How to Have a Relationship with Jesus

What Is the Gospel? – by www.gotquestions.org

Is There Such a Thing As Absolute Truth? – by www.gotquestions.org

Biblical Womanhood and the Problem of the Old Testament – Trillia Newbell, www.desiringgod.org

Articles about Biblical Manhood and Womanhood – from www.desiringgod.org

Is There Misogyny in the Bible? – by www.gotquestions.org

Does Deuteronomy 22:28-29 Command a Rape Victim to Marry Her Rapist? – by www.gotquestions.org

Is God/the Bible Sexist? – by www.gotquestions.org

What Does the Bible Say about Sexism? – by www.gotquestions.org

Is Feminist Theology Biblical? – by www.gotquestions.org

How Should a Christian View Misandry? – by www.gotquestions.org

What Does the Bible Say about Spousal/Marital Rape? – by www.gotquestions.org

Where Do Hatred, Rage, and Violence Fit into Our Lives as Believers?

 

BOOKS TO HELP US DISCERN BETWEEN WORLDLY THINKING AND BIBLICAL THINKING

Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood downloadable book edited by John Piper and Wayne Grudem

Radical Womanhood – Feminine Faith in a Feminist World by Carolyn McCulley

The Feminist Mistake – the Radical Impact of Feminism on the Church and Culture  by Mary Kassian

The Feminist Gospel – The Movement to Unite Feminism with the Church by Mary Kassian

 

VIDEOS

David Platt’s videos on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood

 

 

“Hey, Honey… I’m Stranded at Work!”

Photo by Gerrie van der Walt on Unsplash

 

As parents of a 16 year old, we are in the midst of driver’s training at our house. Our son is doing really well. We hope he will have his license in the next month or two. We have given him my husband, Greg’s, 1997 Honda to drive. So far this school year, I let him drive on the way to school so he can try to reach his mandatory 40 hours of supervised driver’s training. Then I drive home or to work from there.

Recently, I drove the Honda to work and everything was fine that morning. But when I was ready to leave the pharmacy at 6:00pm, the engine wouldn’t start.

Bummer!

That is life sometimes, isn’t it?

An unexpected trial comes out of nowhere. How will I handle it?

Seems like this has been a theme in our family this summer. And we continue to come back to this:

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4

So here is a new real-life example. God is so good to provide me with opportunities to grow in my faith and to live out the principles of His Word. Then I get to share them with y’all!

I texted Greg to let him know that I was stranded and that I thought maybe the battery could be dead. He was about 30 minutes away and had just dropped off our kids at church. But the second he found out that I was stuck, he was on his way to help. He had a battery charger and tried multiple times to jump the Honda’s battery.

No success.

So our night looked like this:

  • Greg then drove me to our house so I could eat a very quick supper.
  • He took some tools with him and went by the Advance Auto Parts store and got a new battery.
  • I picked up the kids from church in my car and took them by our house.
  • Greg replaced the battery on the Honda and still the car wouldn’t crank.
  • He found a YouTube video about what to do if the starter goes bad and he hit the starter with a hammer 3 times and got the engine running – and was surprised that actually worked.
  • He drove the Honda to our friend’s car shop.
  • I met him at the car shop and we drove to my work so Greg could get his car.
  • We both got home around 9:00pm.

Years ago, I would have had a pretty negative, complaining attitude about the whole ordeal. I would have lashed out at my husband – as if he were the problem. I probably would not have shown much gratitude. I would have been exasperated and felt like the night was completely ruined because things didn’t go as I had expected.

But these days, I have a different mindset – thanks to the changes God has been doing in my heart.

SOME THINGS I DON’T WANT TO DO ANYMORE

  • pressure, push, or try to control him.
  • freak out.
  • have a critical spirit.
  • argue.
  • lash out at him.
  • complain.
  • raise my voice.
  • have a negative attitude toward him or toward the situation.

SOME THINGS I WANT TO DO NOW

  • ask for things respectfully.
  • smile at him.
  • be flexible.
  • thank him with words and actions.
  • use a friendly tone of voice.
  • appreciate him in my heart and thoughts.
  • seek to be humble.
  • speak up respectfully if I think I may have important information to share.
  • pray and invite God to do something beautiful and powerful in the situation.
  • look for blessings and good things about which I can be thankful.
  • give him the time and space he needs to think and problem-solve.
  • seek to be cooperative.
  • maintain a positive spirit and attitude – by the power of the Holy Spirit.
  • sing songs of praise to God in my heart.
  • call Greg, “my hero!”

I respect Greg’s abilities and the gift of his time and that I can depend on him when I am in dire straits. He is glad to come help me. I make sure to tell him and show him how much I appreciate all of his help.

How blessed I am to have someone in my life who is willing and able to help me when I am in a bind.

These days, I have a different perspective on trials. I can, in the power of Christ, remain calm and completely peaceful. Cheerful and joyful even. I can graciously receive Greg’s help and appreciate the things he can do so well that I am not very good at. I can be patient. I can maintain my sense of humor and fun.

If the Holy Spirit is in control of my life, God promises to give me His power to respond with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23) even when things go wrong.

The night doesn’t have to be ruined!

We can enjoy being together and be thankful that we are a team and that we have each other to call on when something goes wrong. A night like this can be something that helps to strengthen our bond and bring us greater unity. It can be a beautiful, powerful example to our children of how parents can work together with respect and love. It is a chance to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to our children in a time that could have been stressful.

The way we choose to handle a trial like this could even become a wonderful memory for the whole family.

SHARE

If God has empowered you to respond with joy, peace, patience, and a good attitude during a trial in your life, we’d love to hear about it. I’m sure it would be such an encouragement to everyone.

NOTE

Please do keep in mind that you may have different things to be thankful for in your life. That is okay! All of our husbands don’t have the same talents, abilities, personalities, and gifts. All of our relationships are different – and that is good. We are at different points in our journey, too.

But we each have things for which we can be thankful. And God has good plans for us all – to make beautiful masterpieces of our lives. He is working in all of us, who belong to Him, to be conformed into the image of Jesus Christ!

Much love!

My Commenting Policy

My Mission and Vision

RESOURCES

 

How Can I Have Peace When the World Has Gone Mad?

Photo Credit Osman Rana on Unsplash

How can I find real peace in this crazy, violent, messed-up world today? Especially when the people I love most are living here in the midst of it and it is scary and dangerous?

We have spoken often about the foundation for our peace being in Jesus and in our personal relationship with Him as our Savior and Lord.

The Foundation of My Peace Is Jesus

The foundation of my peace as a woman, wife, and mom is that I know, love, and trust Jesus.

  1. Jesus, the Prince of Peace, is on the throne of my life without any rival affections. I have peace because He is the source of all peace. (John 14:27, John 16:33)
  2. I have peace as I live in total submission to His Lordship in my life. He is in charge, I am not. When I try to be in charge myself or I trust anything/anyone other than Christ, I will live in fear, anxiety, discouragement, oppression, and spiritual poverty.
  3. I also have peace as I abide in Christ (John 15:4-7). I live in continual total dependence on Him, His Word, His Spirit, prayer, and emotional/spiritual oneness with Him. I receive all of His truth. I allow His power to transform me daily.
  4. When His Spirit is reigning in my life, I experience the “fruit of His Spirit” – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23).

8 Powerful Keys to Peace

God’s Word, His Spirit, and Sound Doctrine Expand His Peace in My Heart and Life

The Bible is my lifeline to God. It is His love letter to me and to all who belong to Him. It is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword (Heb. 4:12). I need it all!

  • I need the scriptures that explain who God is and tell me of His character so I can know and trust Him and have a right view of Him.
  • I need the parts about the history of God’s people to have a concept of what God has done in the past and how He works in the lives of His people and in the world.
  • I need the passages about doctrine for a framework upon which to build my life.
  • I need the story of Jesus’ life and what He did for all of us on the cross and to know the Gospel.
  • I need to know how to have a relationship with Him that show me all that God has done to save me from hell.
  • I need the parts of the Bible that tell me how to live the Christian life in practical ways.
  • I also need the prophetic parts to thoroughly equip and prepare me for the present and the future.

…You have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. 1 Tim. 3:15-17

All of God’s Word is infallible and true. All of it is there to bless the body of Christ as a whole and as individuals, to transform us to make us more like Jesus.

Bible prophecy is often overlooked by many believers in Christ, today. Lots of people think it isn’t relevant to our lives, that God’s prophetic words are not true, or that those scriptures can’t be rightly understood. Of course, there are those who twist God’s Word to try to use it for their own misleading purposes. They are false teachers, and they are in abundance, even among churches who claim Jesus as Lord. We must be alert and careful about what teachers we listen to. But this subject is too important to ignore or dismiss.

If I do not know Bible prophecy about “the end times,” when I look at what is going on in this world, it seems completely terrifying and I will act in fear rather than faith.

When I act in fear, I make destructive choices as a wife, mom, and in my other relationships.

It is so critical for me to understand that God is in control, even now, and that God is moving the world toward a specific plan for His glory. People have free will. He gives people the ability to choose or reject Him every moment of our lives. He is not responsible for people’s sin. He is outside of time and space. And His sovereignty encompasses our free will and works with it to create a tapestry throughout all of human history for His glory. I won’t begin to understand how that is possible until heaven. But as I receive His Life-giving Word and trust God, I can live in His peace and have hope because I know what the outcome is ultimately going to be, even when I watch the news.

This impacts all of my relationships and life-decisions greatly!

When I Properly Understand Bible Prophecy, I Am a Different Woman, Wife, and Mom

If I truly know that Jesus is coming again for His church (including me), and I believe that the Great Tribulation is just around the corner and that time to share the Gospel and to love people is precious and limited, this knowledge transforms my life:

  1. I think, speak, pray, and act in faith in God rather than being overcome by fear.
  2. I embrace God’s spiritual pruning of my life to help me grow in my faith. Even if my husband isn’t changing first.
  3. I don’t want to waste any time in becoming the godly woman God calls me to be. I desperately desire God’s Spirit’s power to enable me to build up and bless my family and I want to stop tearing them down and using my influence and power to destroy them and others.
  4. I am familiar with the enemy’s schemes to distract, discourage, and paralyze me and to seduce me away from Jesus with lies. I know that he would love to get a foothold in my life so he could use my mouth and my actions to destroy my husband and children. He will do anything he can to get me to fall away from my faith in Jesus and to rebel against the Lord and destroy my witness for Christ. So I cling to Jesus all the more.
  5. I want to be found faithful and obedient to my Lord Jesus when He comes “in the twinkling of an eye(1 Cor. 15:51) which is the rapture – or when I meet him through death – whichever may come first.
  6. I share hope, wisdom, and faith with my husband, children, and everyone in my circle of influence.
  7. I know that my devotion, worship, obedience, trust, and labor in the Lord is not in vain (1 Cor. 15:58).
  8. I realize that time may be very short, so I want to be sure I am right with God and right with other people. I don’t have time to hold onto any sin, resentment, grudges, or unforgiveness.
  9. I have a lot more patience with people because I know what is truly important and I am seeing from an eternal perspective, not a temporal one.
  10. I want to share the gospel urgently, to be sure that everyone has a chance to choose to live for Jesus while there is still a small window of time left in this period of grace before the Great Tribulation begins when things will become much more difficult for those who decide to follow Jesus.
  11. My priorities shift dramatically. With this eternal perspective, I won’t care nearly as much about the small things – my husband forgot our anniversary, he left the toilet seat up again, my children didn’t appreciate me enough, we haven’t been on a date in months, etc… My eyes are set on Jesus and His kingdom’s work.
  12. I am not very phased by people’s pettiness or drama. Externals become less and less important. So do all of the things that seem so important to the world. I see way past those shallow things because much deeper spiritual things of God concern me.
  13. I am not caught up in gossip, materialism, idolatry, bitterness, pride, a critical spirit, self-righteousness, or greed.
  14. I don’t cling to the things of this world because they will soon disappear.
  15. I don’t have a spirit of offense when others are hurtful toward me, I don’t take what they do to me personally. I see they are wounded and hurting. I am able to see their spiritual condition and oppression and I pray for God to reach them, to heal them, to bless them, and to raise them to the new life (1 Cor. 4:12-13) God has given to me.
  16. I see God at work in the headlines. I see His prophecies unfolding before my eyes and I am assured that He has not abandoned His people, my family, or me as an individual. My faith increases as I see His Word is true and His prophecies are being fulfilled one by one.
  17. I am humbled before God, acknowledging that He is sovereign, not me. He is God, I am not. He has all wisdom, I do not. He holds the world and all of the nations in His hands, I don’t. He knows what He is doing. Even the Great Tribulation has a purpose – to draw Israel, finally, to her amazing Messiah, Jesus Christ.

Want Some Details?

In case this is all rather new to you, or you just need a quick summary of what has been going on, check out the following list and see how many of these points have happened or are happening now:

25 Signs We Are Near the Last Days – by Don Stewart (There are numerous sub-points, you may watch this video for a brief overview, or check out his book.) The bold words are Don Stewart’s words. The regular font words are my additional comments.

  1. The miracle of Israel’s survival.
  2. As their enemies have done to Israel, so God will do to them. He promised to weaken Egypt but to keep it around (Jer. 46) as a reminder to Israel. But He said they would never be a great power again. There are no longer any Moabites (Jer. 48), Philistines (Jer. 47), Babylonians (Jer. 50), and others today, just as God prophesied when He decreed destruction for those enemies of Israel.
  3. Israel will miraculously return to its ancient homeland in the last days. Israel became an official nation again, after being dissolved for almost 2000 years, on May 14, 1948. They celebrated their 70th anniversary of being a modern nation this spring.
  4. The nation will return in two stages. They will return to their homeland in unbelief in Jesus. They are spiritually dead (Ezekiel 37). This is what has happened, Israel has returned, but they still do not acknowledge Jesus. The second stage will occur at the end of the Great Tribulation (after Jesus defeats the Anti-Christ) when they acknowledge that Jesus is their Messiah and they repent and turn to Him in faith.
  5. Jerusalem will be united under Israeli rule. This happened after the 6 day war in 1967.
  6. Israel will be in the world’s spotlight. Just watch the news in almost any given week this year.
  7. There will be a continual search for peace in Israel. There are talks of an attempt to organize some kind of peace deal in Israel and the Middle East in the news this week.
  8. Preparations will be made to build the third temple. This has been underway for several yearsMany Jews believe that Trump’s declaration that Jerusalem is Israel’s capital means that rebuilding the temple is next. The “Temple Movement” is growing and ready as soon as the opportunity presents itself for the Jews to begin construction.
  9. In the last days, certain specified nations will invade Israel (Ezekiel 38-39). The Bible names the countries that are modern day Russia, Turkey, Iran, Libya, and Ethiopia as those who will come against Israel “like a cloud” during a time of prosperity and peace in Israel. Currently, Iran, Russia, and Turkey are working together in an alliance staging some of their military operations in Syria. Iran has been very clear that they plan to wipe Israel off the mapTurkey is hostile toward Israel. Russia is occupying Syria and supporting Syria, Turkey, and Iran.
  10. The nations missing from the Ezekiel 38,39 invasion. Equally interesting is that Saudia Arabia and some other nations are currently a bit more friendly, or, not as hostile, toward Israel, as they used to be. These nations are not listed as attackers in Ezekiel 38,39.
  11. No superpower will intervene on Israel’s behalf when they are invaded: something will happen to the United States. America will either not have the power or the will to help Israel – but this is God’s plan. God, Himself, will save Israel during the Ezekiel 38 war in a miraculous way.
  12. There will be a ten nation confederation in western Europe (The revival of the ancient Roman Empire). Possibly the EU in some form?
  13. There will be a one-world political and economic system (globalism). Although we have not yet achieved a one-world political and economic system, it is obvious in the news that globalism is the primary goal of many political leaders today.
  14. The world will desperately look for a leader. It turns out that the dynamic, charismatic man who will seem to have all of the answers to the natural disasters, famines, plagues, economic crisis, etc… and who seduces the entire world will be the Antichrist.
  15. There will be an exponential increase in technology. This continues to happen at an astounding rate, never seen before in history.
  16. Plagues and pestilence will trouble the world. Contagious diseases and pandemics can travel more quickly around the world today than ever. Here is why the risk continues to increase from a scientific perspective and why the end times will be so ripe for the greatest plagues and death tolls (due to disease) in history. During the Great Tribulation, 1/4 of the earth’s population will be killed by sword, famine, disease, or wild animals.
  17. The world will be characterized by lawlessness. Watch the local, national, or world news any time to see this.
  18. The world will be characterized by violence. Again, we can see it every day in the news. The level of blatant hatred and violence in our culture has been rising at truly alarming rates.
  19. The organized church will turn away from the faith (apostasy). This Great Apostasy is very evident in America, Europe, and many Western cultures and has been progressing over the past few generations. We see churches and whole denominations dying off as people reject the truth of God’s Word and surround themselves with false teaching and lies.
  20. There will be a rise in false prophets, false teachers, and false Christs. This is happening more and more as people do not want to hear sound doctrine. (How to recognize false teachers.)
  21. There will be a rise in anti-semitism. Almost every country in the world has already turned away from Israel. Check out the UN meetings this year. The UN voted overwhelmingly that Israel had no right to defend itself against attack. The UN voted overwhelmingly against recognizing Jerusalem as Israel’s capital, even though other countries are allowed to choose their own capital for their nations.
  22. Christians will continue to be persecuted. Christian persecution now is increasing and is worse than at any other time in history.
  23. Unbelievers will scoff at the idea of Christ’s return. 
  24. The wicked will not understand the signs of the times.
  25. Bible-believers will understand what is taking place.

There are other things going on right now, too, that point to the fact that the season of the rapture and Great Tribulation are close at hand. Jesus said, when He was on earth, “no man knows the day or the hour” (Matt. 24:36) and that not even He knew when the rapture would happen. So we are not at liberty to try to predict specific dates. In fact, we should be very alarmed at anyone who claims to know the exact date Jesus will return. That is a big flag that person is not speaking on God’s behalf.

But we are equipped by scripture to recognize the season (Matt. 24:32-33). We are to be ready every day. As we see more and more signs and prophecies being fulfilled, we are to lift up our heads because we know that “our redemption is drawing near” (Luke 21:28)

This is just a little taste of some of the prophecies that will be fulfilled or have been fulfilled already as we approach the last hour. May the Lord give us eyes to see and ears to hear all that He wants to share with us in this exciting time in history. And may we yield ourselves fully to be instruments in His hands for His kingdom as we have been placed here “for such a time as this” (Esther 4:14).

RESOURCES I TRUST

Of course, always weigh what any teacher says against scripture and test what they are saying with the Spirit!

Behold Israel – Amir Tsarfati (an Israeli believer who is part of the Israeli military and who does Christian tours of Israel who does updates on what is happening in the Middle East that relates to Bible prophecy)

Real Life with Jack Hibbs (a pastor in California who has prophecy updates relating to current events and who teaches on all kinds of biblical topics, including Bible prophecy)

JD Farag – (a pastor in Hawaii with a passion for Bible prophecy, the gospel, and seeing people come to know Jesus as Savior and Lord who also does Bible prophecy updates)

Hope for Our Times – Don Stewart and Tom Hughes address Bible prophecy and current events

RELATED ARTICLES

Signs of the End Times – www.gotquestions.org

Articles on the End Times – by John Piper and www.desiringgod.org

Systematic Theology podcasts by Wayne Grudem about the end times on iTunes (podcasts 112-113)

 

 

How Can I Seriously Count Painful Times As Joy?

I was planning to write this post a few hours before my father-in-law suddenly died August 4th. It is the sequel to my post from last week about Is Real Joy Possible for Me?  I am honored to share these precious spiritual treasures with you – as it so happens – from the midst of a significant trial in my own life.

We live in a fallen world and we all face many kinds of trials in our lives. None of us are exempt. I may not have much control over what trials come my way. But I do have control over my response and attitude.

I am so excited to share some amazing truths with you – truths that will radically change your life and perspective if you are willing to embrace them.

JOY IS MY CHOICE IN TIMES OF TRIAL

I can choose to depend on God’s wisdom, His strength, His sovereignty, His power, His goodness, His love, and His vision. I can choose to trust Him and His Word. I can willingly yield to His Lordship and let Him lead me.

This takes the power of the Holy Spirit. It takes close fellowship with God. It takes practice. It is a discipline we can learn as believers with God’s help. I can begin to see hard times as spiritual tests and opportunities for growth.

When I face difficulties, the Holy Spirit empowers me (if I belong to Christ) to choose to respond in:

  • Faith
    • I don’t know the answers, but I trust that God knows what to do and that He will lead me through this. (Isa. 30:21, Ps. 23)
    • I don’t have the wisdom to solve this dilemma, but I trust that God has wisdom and power in this situation. (Isa. 40:28)
    • I know God is sovereign, good, and loving even now and even over this. (Jer. 29:11-13)
  • Joy
    • I know that God promises to use this specific trial to help me grow in my faith and in spiritual maturity, and that brings me great joy. (James 1:2-4)
    • Jesus invites me to ask for things I genuinely need – according to His will – and to receive from God, that my joy might be full. (John 16:24)
    • A joyful heart is good medicine. (Prov. 17:22)
    • God calls me to rejoice in Him at all times. (Phil. 4:4)
    • I have so many reasons for joy in Christ, even in the midst of my trials (the following is excerpted from www.gotquestions.org).
      • The joy of my salvation.
      • The joy of anticipating God’s deliverance.
      • The joy of God’s presence.
      • The joy of spiritual maturity.
  • Anticipation
    • I can’t wait to see how God will use this awful situation to create something beautiful and good in my life and bring glory to Himself!
    • I want to go much deeper with the Lord! (Eph. 1:15-23)
    • God wants to use hardships to help conform me to the image of Christ Jesus. (Rom. 8:29)
  • An Open Heart
    • What does God want me to learn and how does He want to help me to grow in this painful trial?
  • Spiritual Treasure Seeking
    • It is only in the dark caves where people can find diamonds, rubies, emeralds, and gems physically, it is similar spiritually. The greatest treasures are found in the darkest times, if we are willing to look.
    • I don’t want to miss any of the gifts He has for me here.
  • Prayer
    • Lord, I give this situation to You. You see all that I am going through and my suffering. I trust You are with me. I trust You are sovereign and good.
    • I invite Your provision!
    • How should I pray about this situation?
    • Not my will but Yours be done! (Luke 22:42)
    • Is there anyone I should ask to pray with me/for me about this?
    • What step do you want me to take next?
    • I only want to see Your greatest glory!
    • I want Your perfect will.
    • What miracles do You want to do here?
  • Peace
    • In the world, I will have tribulation. But Jesus promises to give me His peace. (John 16:33)
    • God will keep me in His perfect peace when I trust Him and my mind is focused on Him. (Isaiah 26:3)
    • I can lay all of my concerns, worries, and fears before God because He cares for me. (Phil. 4:6)
  • Assurance 
    • He is going to make a way for me to make it through this. (Isa. 43:16-19)
    • He is with me and He will never leave or forsake me. (Deut. 31:8)
  • Rest
    • Jesus invites me to come to Him when I am weary and He will give me rest for my soul. (Matt. 11:28-30)
  • Strength 
    • His grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. (2 Cor. 12:9)
    • God promises I can do all that He calls me to do through the power of Christ in me. (Phil. 4:12-13)
    • The Lord is my strength and my song. (Ex. 15:2)
  • Thanksgiving
    • I can look for the blessings and provision of God in the midst of my trial. (1 Thess. 5:18)
    • I can give thanks to the Lord for He is good! (Ps. 107:1)
  • Focusing on Positive Things 
    • I can focus on the good things, the Philippians 4:8 things, because whatever I focus on tends to grow in my field of spiritual vision.
  • Receptivity to His promises
    • I learn about God’s promises theoretically as I read His Word. But it is during a crisis that I actually get to rest the weight of my life on God’s promises and experience them in reality.
    • I want to keep all of God’s promises in my heart and stand firmly on them and His Word.
  • Ministry
    • How does God want me to shine for Christ in the midst of this yucky situation? (Phil. 2:14-16, Matt. 5:13-16)
    • How might He want me to be an example, blessing, and witness to others? (1 Cor. 7:16, Acts 1:8)
    • How does God desire me to overcome evil with good here? (Rom. 12:17-21)
    • I can rest assured that God will use my pain – and the comfort He brings to me – to bring comfort, healing, salvation, and to strengthen the faith to others in the future when they hear about what He did for me and how I responded. (2 Cor. 1:6)

This doesn’t mean I won’t have feelings of sadness. I will! I am human, after all. I will have sadness and grief, at times. I will feel frustration and anger, at times. I will hurt. I will have emotions. It is important to feel my emotions and to identify them. But I don’t have to be a slave to my emotions. And I don’t have to be a slave to my circumstances.

Things may look hopeless from a human perspective…

Thankfully, I don’t have to see from a mere human perspective if I know Jesus!

THE BLESSINGS OF TRIALS

Scripture is full of encouragement about the spiritual benefits of our trials as followers of Christ. Here are a few of the blessings my trials can produce in my life as I trust God:

  • Lamentations 1
    • Suffering for sin may help me repent of sin and return to God if I have strayed.
    • God disciplines those who belong to Him for our good, so that we will turn from death and embrace His Life.
  • Matthew 5:10-11 and Acts 5:41
    • Suffering for my faith in Christ means I have been counted worthy to suffer in Jesus’ name.
    • I am blessed if I am insulted, punished, and/or persecuted for my faith in Jesus.
  • Romans 5:3-5
    • I can glory in my sufferings because of the good they will produce
      • perseverance
      • character
      • hope
  • James 1:2-4
    • As I trust God during suffering, He will use my trials to produce good things in me:
      • endurance
      • greater faith
      • greater spiritual maturity
      • spiritual completeness
      • I will lack nothing
  • Hebrews 12:4-12
    • I am to count hardships as discipline from God that will help me learn and grow. His discipline:
      • is verification of my adoption as a child of God
      • brings greater respect for God
      • yields peaceful fruit
      • brings about righteousness
      • is guaranteed to be for my benefit
      • allows me to share in God’s holiness

NOTE – “Counting trials as joy” does not mean that I need to try to create trials for myself, that I should be purposely combative or argumentative, or that I should try to prolong trials. It also doesn’t mean I must stay in a dangerous, abusive situation where I am being severely sinned against if I am able to get somewhere safe.  

SHARE

If you have experienced God’s supernatural joy and/or blessings in the midst of a difficult trial, or you have learned something helpful about how to “count it all joy when you face trials of many kinds,” we’d love to hear about it! I’m so thankful we can walk this road together and encourage one another.

RESOURCES

Verses about trials – Open Bible

Verses about God’s wisdom – Open Bible

A list of all of God’s promises – Bible Gateway

Verses about peace – Open Bible

Verses about suffering as a believer – Open Bible

Verses about being persecuted and hated for faith in Christ – Open Bible

Verses about God’s Sovereignty – Open Bible

Verses about finding God’s direction – Open Bible

Verses about strength – Open Bible

“The Peaceful Mom – Building a Healthy Foundation with Christ As Lord” has one chapter on counting trials as joy and one chapter on having an eternal perspective. Most of the chapters in the book would be a blessing to all women, not just moms.

Top 5 Pitfalls on This Journey

Photo by Raúl Nájera on Unsplash

On this lifelong journey as I seek to become the woman, wife, and mom God created me to be, there are some common snares. I have fallen into them myself, at times, and I have seen other women fall into them, too.

“Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.” Matt. 7:13-14

It is a very narrow, counter-cultural, politically incorrect, difficult path to follow Jesus – not just in the area of being a godly wife and mom, but in every area. His ways go completely against our old sinful nature and our human wisdom. It requires the power of the Holy Spirit every moment. But God’s path is more than worth it in light of eternity!

One of the most helpful things can sometimes simply be to know where some common pitfalls are. Here is my top 5 list.

  1. Having a Divided Heart 

I must seek the Lord first in my life. He must be my greatest desire, my greatest Treasure. If I put other things/people/desires above Christ in my heart, even good things like – a strong marriage, my husband, romance, feeling loved, my children, my happiness, or self – I am living in idolatry. Idolatry never satisfies. It leads to heartache, loneliness, frustration, disappointment, discontentment, depression, anxiety, and spiritual death. (Sometimes, idolatry even leads to suicidal thoughts or even death if we follow it long enough.)

The Prince of Peace, Jesus, must be firmly on the throne of my heart and He must have no rivals. It is very easy for me to slip into wrong motives and not even realize it. So if I notice that I am feeling stuck, frustrated, resentful, negative, or disappointed, the first thing I want to do is a throne check of my heart. I invite the Lord to shine His light into the darkest places of my heart and expose any toxic thinking.

I want to confirm to myself and to the Lord that He is my greatest priority, my greatest desire, and that He alone is worthy of all of my love, worship, adoration, reverence, trust, faith, and hope. I remind myself to seek my identity and security in Christ alone. When I am walking in right relationship with Jesus, He gives me His supernatural power to relate in godly ways to other people.

2. Starving Myself Spiritually

I can’t possibly be a godly woman, wife, or mom if I am not receiving proper spiritual nourishment. Just like I have no strength physically if I starve myself more than a day or so, the same thing is true spiritually. I must have serious time with the Lord on a daily basis as much as I need food to eat and water to drink every day.

This is more challenging in some seasons than in other seasons of life. But I can pray, “Lord, I want to make You my first priority. Show me where I can carve out the time I need so desperately with You. Help me to get rid of distractions and things that may be good, but that are keeping me from what is best.” I need to do anything it takes for me to be filled up with the Lord, myself. Then I will be overflowing with God’s power, love, and Life and can pour these blessings into my marriage and family.

Spiritual nourishment involves:

  • reading, studying, and meditating on the Bible with the desire to apply and obey God’s truth.
  • praying and being still before the Lord.
  • memorizing verses/passages of Scripture.
  • praising and thanking God.
  • repenting of sin ASAP.
  • replacing any lies and unbiblical thinking with God’s truth.
  • fasting of various types.
  • fellowship with other believers.
  • avoiding things that are spiritually toxic to me – things that distract me from God, things that encourage me to be afraid, things that entice me to sin. These may be books, movies, types of social media, the news, certain friendships, tempting situations/people, certain topics of conversation, a specific train of thought, etc…

I need some amount of space/time where I can completely focus on the Lord and be still and allow Him to speak to me and to transform me.

3. Attempting to Be Godly in My Own Strength

I need time with the Lord in prayer and in His Word, but I also need the power of the Holy Spirit. If I am trying to be a godly woman, wife, or mom in my own power, I will fail. Every time. I don’t have the ability to do this in my own strength. Some telltale signs that I am trying to do this whole thing without the power of the Spirit are things like:

  • exhaustion
  • frustration
  • legalism – trying to follow a long list of rules
  • lack of joy and peace
  • resentment toward my husband/children for not changing
  • resentment toward God for not doing what I want Him to do yet
  • coldness in my heart
  • irritability
  • self-righteousness/pride
  • worry/fear/anxiety
  • depression/discouragement
  • hatred of self or others
  • hopelessness

Here is a post about how to tell if I am trying to do this in my strength or in God’s strength.

4. Changing Myself Only If Other People Will Change, Too 

I am willing to change IF my changes will make other people change like I want them to. If they don’t change quickly enough, then I get upset that “this isn’t working!” I feel tempted to give up and go back to my old sinful ways. Ultimately, my obedience to God is all about getting what I really want from other people/relationships, not about being close to Him.

This is actually an attempt at manipulation and control on my part. When things don’t go my way, my real motives are exposed.

“I have been doing so much to try to change. My husband hasn’t changed at all. My children haven’t changed at all. This is NOT fair! I want them to work just as hard as I am working and I want them to change, too. Why should I try so hard when no one else is doing anything to try to bless and love me like they should? Following God isn’t worth it!”

Now, instead of getting frustrated when other people aren’t changing, I realize this is a spiritual test for me. I can ask myself:

  • Why am I doing this journey, really? Am I doing it to honor and love the Lord or to get what I want from other people?

If I am doing this for the Lord, then I will be committed to doing things His way and to continue on this narrow path no matter what anyone else decides to do. My goals are to honor, love, and reverence God and to bless others. Challenges will crop up that force me to have to re-examine my motives at times. That is actually a blessing. It is an opportunity to undergo the refining fire of God. In Jesus, there is contentment even in painful trials.

As I double down on my desire simply to obey and follow Christ, my faith will grow and God will bless me spiritually. Then I will have His power to pray His healing, blessing, and Life into my family in His way and in His timing. Not for my selfish desires but for His glory!

It is tempting to expect and to desire everyone else to change first. Here is a post about why I want to deal with my sin first and allow God to change me first.

5. Allowing My Feelings and Thoughts to Go Unchecked

Taking my thoughts captive for Christ is an essential daily discipline on this journey. I can’t allow just any old thoughts and feelings to run rampant in my heart and mind. That is a recipe for disaster. If I realize there are sinful thoughts – bitterness, fear, resentment, unforgiveness, pride, self-righteousness, discouragement, lies, etc.. in my thinking – I must do something about it. Otherwise, I give room to the enemy to take territory in my life. I am responsible for my own emotions and thoughts.

In Christ, my emotions and thoughts do not rule me, Jesus rules them.

God instructs me, as a believer in Christ, to reject any sinful or wrong thoughts and motives and to replace them with His truth from His Word. As I learn to immediately shoot down sinful thoughts and motives and replace them with God’s truth, I will be able to walk in greater fellowship with Him and experience so much more of His love and abundant spiritual life in my everyday challenges. Here is a video about how to take your thoughts captive for Christ.

PRAYER

Lord,

We choose to have You, and You alone on the throne of our hearts. We submit ourselves to Your Lordship. You are the only true God there is. You are the only one worthy of all of our love, adoration, reverence, respect, awe, and submission. Your love for us is beyond our ability to fathom as we look at the cross and all You have done for us. Please help us be wholeheartedly devoted to You. Help us have eyes to see these pitfalls and help us to turn to You for the power we need to walk in obedience and in right relationship with You. Jesus’ power is what we need every moment. Transform our hearts, minds, and lives for Your glory! Help us to walk in the reality that we are new creations in Christ and that we are dead to our old sinful selves and this world. We are alive to God through Jesus!

Amen!

RELATED VERSES

My Motives:

  • I am your shield, your very great reward. Gen. 15:1
  • “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.” Matt. 13:44
  • ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ Mark. 12:30 (The Greatest Commandment)
  • “If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters–yes, even his own life–he cannot be My disciple.” Luke 14:26 **

My Need for Time/Fellowship with God:

  • Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Ps. 119:105
  • But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matt. 4:4
  • “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.” Matt. 5:6
  • “My food,” said Jesus, “is to do the will of him who sent me and to finish his work.” John 4:34
  • Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.” John 6:35

Being Filled with the Spirit:

  • He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire. Matt. 3:11
  • It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. John 6:63
  • The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Rom. 8:6
  • Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. Gal. 5:16

Taking Responsibility for Myself:

  • Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy. Prov. 28:13
  • And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them. Luke 6:31
  • For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil. 2 Cor. 5:10
  • Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Gal. 5:19-21
  • Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. Gal. 6:6-18

Taking My Thoughts Captive for Christ:

  • We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor. 10:5
  • Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil. 4:8
  • For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Eph. 6:12

** Note on Luke 14:26 – The Second Greatest commandment is that we love other people as ourselves. So Jesus is not actually saying we are to hate our family members. The meaning of this verse is that our love for Jesus is so much greater than our love for our closest family members that our love for them looks like “hate” compared to our love for Him. Paradoxically, it is only when we truly love Jesus infinitely more than others that we truly can love other people in healthy, godly ways.

SHARE

What are some of the general areas that have been pitfalls for you on this journey? What godly wisdom have you learned that may be a blessing to other women?

My Commenting Policy

RESOURCES

How to Have a Saving Relationship with Christ

Are You Giving the Enemy Authority in Your Life?

Stages of This Journey – This is a lifelong process of growing and maturing in our faith in the Lord, not an instant thing.

The Peaceful Mom – Building a Healthy Foundation with Christ As Lord has much more info on:

  • how to do throne checks.
  • creative suggestions about how to get the time with God in that you need when you have young children at home or you are in a time crunch.
  • how to get rid of distractions so you have the time you need with God.
  • how to take our thoughts captive for Christ

NOTE – If you are experiencing severe problems in your marriage (uncontrolled mental illness, severe spiritual oppression, unrepentant immorality, addictions to drugs/alcohol/gambling, abuse, etc…) please seek appropriate, experienced help.  Contact a trusted godly counselor, a trusted pastor, the police, a doctor, or whoever would be able to get you the help you need right away.

The Cure for My Compulsion to Control – Part 2

We are continuing a series that started earlier this month:

Once I see that God is God and I am not and I begin to rebuild my thinking on His Word and truth alone, I am ready to begin the next phase of healing from my controlling ways.

GOD’S TRUTH WILL SET ME FREE IN EVERY AREA

I allow God’s Light and Truth into the the deepest foundations of my spiritual beliefs about every topic. I invite Him to help me completely tear out my old foundations and fixed beliefs that I have cherished for so long. Then I invite the Lord to help me begin to build on Jesus Christ and His Word alone.

  • Anything that is not from Him has no place in my life and has to be trashed. It is poison.
  • Anything that is from Him, I must embrace wholeheartedly even if I don’t understand it or like it at first.

I have to be ruthless about this. And yes, it is painful. But extremely necessary.

This is the path to peace and miraculous spiritual healing and deliverance. If I don’t do this, I will suffer a lot more pain in the long run. This is not a one-time-and-done thing – it is the path I will continue to take for the rest of my life. There are layers that God will reveal to me and I deal with each one as I see it. It is part of the refining and pruning process.

I have to be willing to question the things I have believed – maybe things I have thought were true since I was very young. I need to question the things I learned and absorbed growing up and even as an adult. Just because I have thought something was true for a long time, doesn’t mean it is true. Just because it feels familiar and feels safe, doesn’t mean I can keep it.

It is ALL about Him from now on and about what He says and how He sees me and everyone and everything.

I read my Bible with new eyes, inviting God to:

  • Teach me!
  • Change me!
  • Heal me!
  • Show me Your wisdom!
  • Empower me to obey whatever You ask of me!

I commit that I will obey God and do things His way from now on – with any passage I can clearly understand. And if I don’t understand something in scripture, I will seek to understand and obey. I commit to learning sound doctrine and to handle scripture rightly. Whatever God asks me to do, I know it will be the best thing for me, for my marriage, for my family, for the kingdom, and for His glory. Bringing Him glory is my highest purpose!

For me, the next step in healing was to see God’s design for authority for His people.

GOD DESIGNED A SPECIFIC AUTHORITY STRUCTURE FOR ALL BELIEVERS

Authority

When Christ is Lord, I also yield to His structure of authority in my life according to 1 Cor. 11:3, Rom. 13:1-3, and other scriptures. I don’t buy the world’s messages or trust my own human reasoning.

God chooses to lead me (and all believers) through His Spirit, His Word, prayer, circumstances, and also through people in places of designated authority in my life: church leaders, government leaders, police officers, managers at work, my husband at home, and parents for underaged children. He provides people in leadership positions to protect, provide for, bless, lead, and create order for His people.

Of great importance – in God’s design, positions of authority/roles have nothing to do with a person’s value. This is the opposite of the world’s system where greater authority = greater value.

Every person has equal value in His eyes. Each of us are made in His image (Gen. 1:27). Men, women, different races of people, older people, young people, and babies are all precious and dearly loved by the Lord. We are all co-heirs with Christ (Gal. 3:28). If anything, God has a special place in His heart for those with the least amount of authority – children, babies, the unborn, orphans, widows, refugees, migrants, and the poor. The purpose, in God’s kingdom, for this authority structure is that those who have the most strength and power are supposed to use their gifts to bless, provide for, nurture, and protect those under their care. And those who are in positions to lead are held to higher standards by the Lord.

For more on the concept of God’s structure for authority in every area of our lives, please check out these foundational posts:

I need to know who has the God-given proper authority in various areas of my life.

I know that God has ultimate authority and sovereignty over the universe. Then when I understand what humans are in places of God-given authority and what their responsibilities are vs. what my responsibilities are – I learn to stay within my healthy boundaries and I don’t try to take on authority/decisions that don’t belong to me. If I usurp someone else’s position of God-given authority and try to do someone else’s God-given job or if I disrespect those in positions of God-given authority, I will bring judgment on myself according to Romans 13:1-3.

When I honor God’s design in any area of my life, including this one, it leads to so much weight being taken off of my shoulders and leads to His peace as I trust Him, honor His will for me, and don’t try to control things that are not mine to control. Then I am cooperating with and submitting to God rather than fighting Him. I can’t please Him if I am opposing His methods.

God leads His people through human leaders to teach us to trust Him and to increase our faith. He did it with Moses. Some men rebelled against the authority of Moses during the exodus – and they paid a hefty price (Korah’s rebellion) because:

God counts rebellion against people in positions of God-given authority as rebellion against Himself.

God also led His people in the New Testament through the apostles and then through elders, deacons, pastors, prophets, and teachers. He accomplishes His will through kings, queens, presidents, and governors. He works through our managers and bosses at work. He works through our police officers and military leaders. He works through our husbands – even unbelieving ones – to lead us into His will. And He works through our parents and teachers when we are children.

God always has a clear authority structure for us to follow. It is His choice and part of His wisdom to lead us in this way “through cords of human kindness” (Hosea 11:4). If a person in a position of God-given authority abuses that position or asks us to defy God or His Word, then we must choose to obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29). We don’t blindly follow people. We must use discernment. We don’t follow people into sin or away from God. God is the only one we can trust absolutely.

God uses our willingness to honor human God-given authorities to help us learn humility – which is one of the most important virtues in His sight – and to grow spiritually. Until we learn to properly submit to a person in authority, we can’t act as a person in authority in godly ways.

Note – I don’t want to allow people to abuse authority in my life and I don’t want to allow other people to take over the decisions and responsibilities that belong to me. If someone in a position of God-given authority is abusing his/her position, there should be other authorities over that person to whom we can respectfully appeal.

BEING IN A POSITION OF GOD-GIVEN AUTHORITY

When I have a position of God-given authority – I am a boss, a government official, a police officer, a teacher, or a parent of underage children – I must humbly always keep in mind that the purpose of God giving me such a position is always to accomplish His will and His purposes. It is not about me. It is about taking proper care of His beloved people and about doing His will. It is about dying to self, not becoming a tyrant.

Jesus called them over and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those in high positions act as tyrants over them. It must not be like that among you. On the contrary, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Matt. 20:25-27

 

 

Note – I have a whole chapter in my new book, The Peaceful Mom, that is releasing March 27, 2018 that may be a blessing. It is all about how we develop skewed thinking and how to correct it. There is a very helpful chart with a large number of lies we may be tempted to believe, the truth of the Bible, and scripture references to support those truths.

RELATED

Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced

 

The Cure for My Compulsion to Control – Part 1

Photo by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash

Last week I shared about how we can develop a compulsion to control other people, situations, and the Lord in this post. I thought I “had to try to control” other people and situations. I truly believed it was my responsibility and that everything would be a disaster if I didn’t make sure it all worked out right.

When I try to be in charge of things that are out of my control, I am trying to carry a very heavy weight that I was not designed by God to carry. This leads to extreme stress, frustration, depression, discouragement, anxiety, and a feeling of being completely overwhelmed. It is not the path to peace.

THE CURE FOR MY COMPULSION TO CONTROL IS VERY SIMPLE

meinchargeI need to have proper thinking about God, events, other people, and myself. I need truth.

In my old way of looking at things – subconsciously – I saw myself as very big and God and other people as rather small and mostly within my sphere of control. I would never have articulated it like that – because it sounds audacious. But this is how I lived. You could see it in the fruit of my life.

I am not saying it is painless or necessarily “easy” to give up control – but it IS simple when I see the differences between:

  • God’s responsibilities
  • Other people’s responsibilities
  • My responsibilities

Here is reality:

Goddiagram

 

When I consider your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them? Ps. 8:3-4

When I understand who God is and the place of people in the universe, then I can begin to properly relate to God, people, and myself.

THE TRUTH

  • God alone is God, I am definitely not God. Not even close.
  • God sent Jesus, His Son, to be the only Savior people need. I am not a savior.
  • God’s Spirit is the only one who can open blind eyes and convict people of sin. Not me.
  • God sits on the throne in the highest heavens. Every knee will bow to Him alone.
  • God has put all authority under Jesus’ feet.
  • Angels bow down to God, even the demons believe and tremble.
  • God alone is worthy of worship. I am not.
  • God reigns over the universe. I do not.
  • God has all power and all wisdom. I do not.
  • God loves me, and all people, very dearly because He IS love.
  • I have value because God loves me and I am created in His image.
  • My purpose is to love and obey God and bring Him glory – and to love others with God’s love pouring through me.

I can influence God, people, and circumstances to a degree, for bad, or for good (if I allow God to work through me). But I can only control myself – my attitude, my motives, my sin, my responses to others, my words, and my actions. And even then, I can only control myself in a healthy way with the power of the Spirit.

Just to recap, my actual responsibilities are to:

  • Control myself with God’s power.
  • Love, obey, and worship God with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength – which brings glory to Him.
  • Love others with God’s love.

God3

 

I can be set free from my illusion of control. And that is definitely all it was – an illusion.

God’s truth truly does set me free! I can repent from my pride – my huge pride – thinking I was so big and important. And humbly receive God’s truth. What freedom!!!! I seek only to control the things that are truly mine and I trust God with circumstances and other people.

GOD’S SOVEREIGNTY AND WILL

Within God’s sovereignty is His permissive will and His perfect will. God’s permissive will is larger and accounts for people’s free will, their sin, the effects/consequences of sin, and Satan and his influence. But all of these things operate in the confines of God’s sovereignty and only what He allows can happen. And He uses all that does happen ultimately for His glory and for the ultimate good of those who love Him – to help conform us to the image of Christ.

He doesn’t make choices for us or violate our free-will. That is a good reminder for me that it is not my place to violate other people’s free-will either. God wants us, more than anything, to have the choice to voluntarily love Him or to reject Him. People need that choice in their relationships with me, too. The price of our free-will is very high. For us and for God. We experience earthly and eternal consequences of our choices. But we can never fall outside of His sovereignty and even Satan can never do anything without God’s permission. 

freewill3Godsperfectwill

This is how, in Christ, His yoke is easy and His burden is light. He does the heavy lifting. He takes responsibility for the big stuff.

THE FIRST STEP ON THE PATH TOWARD PEACE

I can step down off of the throne of my life and invite Jesus to reign as Lord over every part of my life.

This means total, humble, absolute surrender to Him, His will, and His control. I hold nothing back from Him.

This feels pretty terrifying at first because I have only really trusted myself before. But as I taste and see that God is good, I begin to realize He is much better at being deity than I ever could be and He is trustworthy. Infinitely more trustworthy than I am! He is the only one who is truly worthy of all of my faith, obedience, and submission. I also begin to realize that trusting Him is wise and safe and trusting myself is the most dangerous place to be.

NOTE – Don’t just take my word for anything. Dig into the Bible yourself. Find out what God’s Word has to say about these important issues and choose to build your life on Christ and the Solid Rock of His Word!

RELATED

How to Have a Relationship with Christ

The Spiritual Healing That Is Available to Each of Us in Christ – by Radiant

7 Keys to Finding Real Peace

Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced

The Pain That Pushes Us to Control

Surrendering the Burden of Controlling My Husband – by Shannon Popkin

 

RESOURCES ABOUT GOD, HIS CHARACTER, PEOPLE, AND FREE WILL

The Attributes of God – by www.gotquestions.org

“Who Is God?” – Secret Church series by David Platt

In the Image of God – by John Piper

A Beginner’s Guide to Free-Will – by John Piper

 

RELATING PROPERLY TO GOD

Humility – by Andrew Murray

Absolute Surrender – by Andrew Murray (free download or audio version)

 

The Pain That Pushes Us to Try to Control

Photo by Civalias Kune on Unsplash

In my experience with women who feel they have to be in control of situations and other people, there is usually some level of trauma or hurt in her past. The level of trauma can vary. But usually something happened that caused her, as a young girl, to develop the following kind of thinking:

  • The people who are supposed to be in charge are weak. (Maybe they are incapable, absent, traumatized, or addicts.)
    • My parents can’t even take proper care of themselves. I have to be the adult and take care of them.
      • I have to be the savior for my parents.
    • My parents can’t/won’t take care of the household. I have to take care of it.
    • They are not able or willing to take proper care of me. So I have to take care of myself or no one else will meet my legitimate needs.
      • I have to be the savior for myself.
    • I have to protect my  younger siblings or something awful will happen (maybe something awful did happen, and I felt I should have been able to prevent it but I failed).
      • Our parents have failed my siblings.
      • My brothers and sisters need me.
      • I am the only one who can help them.
      • I am responsible for their lives, safety, and wellbeing. I am the parent now.
      • I have to be the savior for my siblings.
  • I am responsible for other people.
    • I am responsible for my parents.
    • I am responsible for my siblings.
    • I am responsible for other people in the world.
  • I have to take some of God’s sovereignty on my shoulders because if I don’t, everything will fall apart.
    • People who are in positions of authority in my life have failed me.
    • They seem wimpy and weak.
    • Everything is up to me.
    • It is my duty and responsibility to be sure things go right.
    • It would be irresponsible of me not to take care of other people because I am the only one who can.
    • I can’t be irresponsible and cause other people to suffer like I suffered.
    • I can’t be irresponsible and cause myself to suffer again.
    • Yes, this weight of responsibility for everything and everyone is way too much, but if I set it down, it will result in catastrophe like I have experienced before.
    • Stress, worry, anxiety, and bitterness are just the price I have to pay for having to be in charge. There is no way around those things. This is what love is.
    • I can’t trust anyone else. They will fail me.
    • People in positions of authority represent God to me, and so I have to conclude that God must also be weak, incapable, or absent.
    • I can’t really trust God.
    • I can only trust myself.
    • I have the wisdom that people need. Only I can help everyone.
    • I have to be the savior for everyone.
  • I am not secure financially, emotionally, relationally, or physically. 

Some Things That May Have Been Triggers:

  • Someone got hurt and she took full responsibility and believes it was completely her fault (even if it really wasn’t). She can’t forgive herself. She feels compelled to prevent something like that from ever happening again. She feels overly responsible for other people because of this.
  • Perhaps her dad was very passive or absent and her mom was completely in charge and had a controlling personality and being a controlling woman/wife/mom just seems “normal.”
  • She may have been the oldest child and was given, or felt she had to take, extra responsibility for her siblings and felt she had to act like a parent more than a sibling.
  • Her pastor or parents may have taught, or she may have misunderstood, that people’s free will is huge and God’s sovereignty is very small.
  • She may have heard that she is responsible for making sure people go to heaven or it will be her fault they end up in hell.
  • She may have witnessed some horrific tragedy or accident at school or somewhere else and blamed herself for not being able to stop it or for not being able to save everyone.
  • She may have been taught that God does not exist and she can only depend on herself.
  • She may have personality traits tend to lean toward being a fixer, doer, and in charge.
  • Her sinful nature is happy to help promote control and pride.
  • She may have bought some of the messages of radical feminism, even if she didn’t study it, just by absorbing it from our culture.
    • Women should be in charge.
    • Men are evil.
    • Women are goddesses and are always good.
    • Men are idiots.
    • Women are very wise.
    • God either doesn’t exist or He is a woman.
    • You can’t depend on the God of the Bible.
    • The Bible has no authority over our lives as women.
    • The Bible is not true.
    • The church has no authority over our lives.
    • No God-given authority in scripture has any right to guide, lead, or direct women.
    • Everything rests on your shoulders as a woman to take care of yourself.

The bottom line is this:

  • She believes she must make sure everything turns out okay and that it is her responsibility to do so.
  • She has a small, wimpy, or non-existent picture of God and a picture of herself as big, strong, and powerful.
  • Self is on the throne of her life, not God.
  • She is ensnared by pride and unbelief.

She develops some skewed thinking about God, others, relationships, and herself. That skewed thinking becomes the foundation of her understanding for how to relate in marriage and family later.

When someone’s core beliefs about God, other people, relationships, and themselves get skewed (and all of us experience this to some degree) – the only way to heal is for that person to be willing to examine these core beliefs against real truth. We must learn to take our thoughts captive for Christ. That is a scary thing. A painful thing – at first. But it is a necessary pain that leads to healing. Kind of like the pain of having a wound full of gangrene debrided. It is necessary to get rid of the toxins and the lethal infection. As we tear out the faulty foundations in our thinking, we can invite God to help us build all of our fixed beliefs about important topics on His Word and truth alone.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matt. 7:24-27

 

We all tend to develop wrong thinking as children. Then we build our lives on those messed up beliefs. But when we build on anything other than the truth of God’s Word, we are building on sinking sand. Things begin to collapse the farther we go along in life because the foundation of our belief system is faulty.

It takes great courage to be willing to examine our fixed beliefs and to question them. And to allow the Lord to show us His infinitely higher way of thinking. We have to tear out the old foundation and rebuild a new foundation for our belief system on Jesus and His Word. It is hard. But it is worth it.

As we do this, we have the incredible blessing and gift from the Lord of finding spiritual, emotional, and relational healing in Christ.

Next week we will dig further into the cure for a compulsion to control.

SHARE:

If you struggle with control, is there a specific event or situation in your past that you can link to this struggle? You are welcome to share with us.

Much love!

RELATED:

Identifying the Lies We Have Embraced (My new book, The Peaceful Mom, will have a whole chapter on this issue with a chart of lies we tend to believe vs. the truth of God’s Word – the book releases March 27th, 2018).

Healthy VS Unhealthy Relationships

Fear Fuels Our Need to Control

The Spiritual Healing That Is Available to Each of Us in Christ – by Radiant

25 Ways to Be a Safe Place for Your Husband Emotionally

Taking Our Thoughts Captive for Christ – VIDEO

Facing Our Deepest Fears

Experiencing God’s Victory over Fear

But I’m Right! I’m the Better Leader. I Should Be in Charge.

Why Won’t My Husband Lead?

My Husband Is Not a Good Enough Spiritual Leader

Ways Husbands Lead That Wives Often Don’t Notice

%d bloggers like this: